Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

turns out dark angel had to work & do other things yesterday which prevented her from going to school... oh well.

i have a whole shit load of math stuff to copy because i lost my math binder... have to do that also sometime tonight, plus the rest of my homework.

hopefully dark angel and I can see each other (more than we usually do at bowling) this weekend... just have to hope nothing unexpected comes up.

later
Dep

i wandered through school half-asleep & depressed... half-asleeped because of last weekend and depressed because dark angel didn't show up today at school :( amazing what one day without her can do to me.

anyways... i have a project due tomorrow and other homework (grumble) have to do those sometime tonight

hoping to see dark angel this weekend... (i say that about every weekend but i mean it this time...)

later all

alright... recap

Yesterday, I went to bowling, intending to spend at least a few hours with dark angel.

unfortunatly this did not happen, as she has 4 projects due on monday. so I went off to LQ with dark nova... came home at 10:00, extremely tired, slept until 2pm and now here I am

so thats what happened this weekend... i have some things to do tonight, so i wont be on much. maybe dark angel and i can talk next weekend.

thanks Freya for everything

Dep

It's a great song... don't remember the title, have to find it

"Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life, it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
The man come and take you away"

anyways

I'm a paranoid person, though, with luck, I will turn that around.

anyways

Freyas blog was a light in the darkness. Yes I have considered it, but I was starting to think that it wasn't true. If Freya thinks it is so, then it probably is (she can be wrong, but not that often). And I'm not mad at her for talking with dark angel... in fact I was hoping she would. Freya helped me and I was hoping she could help Dark angel as well. Apparently, she succeeded, but I'll talk more about that after I talk with Freya... or rather chat with.

Bowling today soon... have to change the laundry over after I finish typing this.

Then I need a shower, then bowling... then sleep or drinking coffee while chatting online. I'm going to a lock-in... basically it's from 11pm to 6:30am of laser tag. Much fun :D. Dark Nova's going with me, and we're going to play as a tag team during the tag team games.

Tomorrow... well it starts with laser tag... then I'm sleeping. After that, I have a party at 8pm, which will involve the watching of Rocky Horror, in the company of many many addicts. (:D) more fun. Hopefully I will get to see Dark Angel, as, after reading Freyas blog, I'm curious as to the effect upon her. I'm a hard person to love, but if you keep digging, you can find me.

More later

Dep

it's friday and i should be happy right? wrong.

i don't know why i'm not... everything seems to be going right lately... except for Dark Angel, but at least she's not completely ignoring me. Maybe I just miss her a lot... guess that's it. Anyways, just wanted to let you all know i'm still alive and kicking after another day of school and that I may not be around much on the weekend. Hoping to spend time with Dark angel, considering we haven't since... oh its been about a month now. :(

plus dark nova and I are going to play laser tag saturday night and sunday night i'm having a wee party, so i'll be around during the day a lot.

*sigh*

more on the sigh later

later

i've tried three times today to write my blog and everytime i get sidetracked... oh well

Dark angel showed up wendsday at school, she was at her grandparents the whole weekend + monday, tuesday. i talked to a few people... can't mention their names, but you know who you are, about dark angel and everyone, without an exception, said i should talk to her. And my answer was always I'm too scared. Of what? Oh, just little things, like rejection, being alone, stuff like that. I was playing piano/singing while talking to one of these people and i was on the verge of tears, in school nevertheless.

But about my week now.

Tuesday was a shitty day. I woke up early to go to a 5 star hotel for a concert... only to find that the event (A teachers conferance) that we were suppose to play at had been moved into the casino! where we, all being under 18, obviously could not go. not a nice wake up call... and then after that I had to go back to school. With no books. With no equipement but a binder full of paper and a pen. I lived, but only with luck.

Dark angel hasn't read the story yet... i'm hoping she will at one point. some point soon. very soon. like tonight would be good. if not i hope someone will talk to her, because i dont think i'm capable.

anyways, more later, when im not in such a confuddled mood... maybe tomorrow night.

And I'm about to go to bed because I have another concert tomorrow. And then lots of homework to make up afterwards, I'm sure.

So why am I writing if I have all these things to do? Because I want to.

Well it has to be done. Dark Angel is going to have to make up her mind... I'm hoping she'll take the not-so-subtle hint in "Starlight, Starbright" but there's always the slim chance that she won't... and the larger, in my opinion, chance of her finding the hint and going "is that what he wants? well fuck him." so if she does find the hint, we'll talk about it, or she'll start showing a little bit more emotion. if she doesn't, i will have to be blunt. Scrabble and I were talking and I agree with her that this cannot go on like this forever.... it's destroying me. Being alone is better than this... at least when im alone, I can try and find someone else. But I would prefer that Dark Angel takes my advice and make a favorable decision. But if it is not to be, then it is not to be.

It's so frustrating, and I'm sure some of you know this feeling, when you want someone to do something but you're too scared to ask them to do it or even to do it before them out of a fear of rejection. But... would it really kill her to hug me in public? No one's going to laugh at her... we'll gang up and beat the shit out of anyone who does. Or is public opinion of me that low? It can't be. And if it is, I really couldn't care less, and I think she doesn't care either. She's told me multiple times that she doesn't care what her peers think of her. So what is it? The only thing I could think of is that she doesn't love me... or isn't the hugging type of person.

What then? Well the first one has an obvious answer... find someone else. The second one has a lot more possibilities and i guess i'll think about that if it comes to it. But Scrabble's right, we've got to settle this now and forever, not just let it drag on and on and on until it leads to an even more painful breakup.

I'm beginning to wish that someone would talk some sense into her, but thats not likely. I don't know if anyone can talk sense into her. I'm willing to live with a lot of things in a girlfriend... emotional problems, other problems... but not to be physically close to them? I don't know if I can handle that... guess we'll see won't we.

Anyways, i'm rambling

A long long time ago
I can still remember
How that music used
to make me smile

And I knew that
If I had my chance
That I could make
Those people dance
And maybe they'd
Be happy for a while

But February made me shiver
With every paper I delivered
Bad news on the doorstep
I couldn't take one more step

I can't remember
If I cried when I
Read about his
Widowed bride

But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died

I was listening to this song, which I hadn't listened to in a long while and I had a thought. If you use the word music to mean love then this song describes my life. But thats just a little side note

Today was , in general, good... well as good as my life gets. Not that good... I woke up at 3:30, thought about a lot of things.... death, what comes after the grave and all that (its scary, i dont recommend it) thought about dark angel.... then i had to go to school, where we went to the 5 star hotel to play at a confereance for the whole day... that was done... but I wanted Dark angel to be there. Life is terrible without her. Anyways... I will stop tormenting you with my grief and go find With or Without You by U2

i don't know where to begin with this. i have a sudden urge to be alone right now... to just take my CD player and go to a park or down by the river, just so I can be alone with a pad of paper and my pen. I'm tired of having to create an illusion of happiness about me, for that is what it is, an illusion, when my parents or even most of my friends are around. I want to cry... but I can't. I feel it inside me, a deep sadness and I know I need to rid myself of it... but I can't cry. It just won't come, no matter what music I play, no matter what thoughts I think. And I'm tired of being foiled at every turn by life... no matter what I do, life seems to come up with something to stop me. I find Dark Angel, then I lose her to my stupidity... I find her again and lose her to something that I'm not sure of... I find her yet again... only to lose her if she moves away. Can I handle a long distance relationship? The pain of not seeing each other for months on end, the joy of a week or two together, then months more of seperation? The waiting... sitting there, wanting to be with her, but knowing it's impossible? Wondering if she's okay... wondering if shes found someone to replace you, someone who can be there all the time? I don't think I can... but I will if she moves. Even now... Dark Angel and I talk about... twice a day, yes, but how many times are we together, just holding each other? the last time was sometime last month and... it's driving me insane. Our one month anniversary was yesterday. We didn't see each other, didn't do anything... but she was gone to her grandparents, so that is explainable. Our one month anniversary last time? Nothing... absolutely nothing. Kisses? After our three years apart... I can count them on the fingers of one hand. 2. Am I being naive, thinking anybody could love me like I can love them? Maybe I'm crazy and I should just give up after this... because I have a terrible dark feeling inside of me, and I'm not sure why. It started yesterday... which, I would guess, is when dark angel read my story. I don't know how she is going to react... all I can do is hope. If she breaks up with me... I'll deal with it... But right now, I just want to be alone... or with someone I love, which is impossible.

People seem to either hate me or love me. It's weird, it really is. Some people continully insult me or ignore me and never compliment me. Others tell me what a great person I am and how much I have to live for. I really can't believe either of them... I'm not a great person, I'm just a person. I have my problems in life and I have my weakness and my strengths and my faults. My problems seem to be bigger than most peoples, but maybe I just don't know how big peoples problems are sometimes. Maybe if I could just stop caring, life would look brighter... but if I stopped caring, I wouldn't be Dep anymore, would I?

I really hope that Dark Angel is reading this... she has the URL, though maybe she listened to me and deleted it. She deserves to know about everything I think of her and feel about her, even if I don't tell her most of the time. She deserves to know that she is a great person, with lots of potential, if only she'd realize it. I'm not saying she has to be a bright, cheerful person or anything near that, I'm saying she has to realize how smart she is and how much potential she has to become someone great. And how much I love her.

My pesky little brother has come down... I want my own computer... so I'm going to leave soon... go down to the park and enjoy this winters day.

Bye

i dont know... i dont have anything to write about. i'm hoping that Freya will come on... i'm curious if her and angelis got back together yesterday. i hope they did

dark angel is away this weekend... unfortuantly. you all know about that.

its so weird... the difference between the person i was dating between march and may this year (no names but you know who it was) and dark angel. Completely opposite people. Anyways... ttyl im going for b-fast for 5minutes

today, dark angel finally came back to school after three weeks with pneumonia... and I get some bad news. One she's gone this weekend to visit her grandparents... against her will but she has to go. Two, she's started smoking again. Three is the reason why she started smoking... she might (MIGHT) be moving to nova scotia (for those of you who do not live in canada... KoS this means you, Nova Scotia is... well KoS, you know where Freya lives? Nova Scotia is the same distance away... in the other direction. Its on our east coast, right on the coast line.) So you can imagine this is bad news for me and I can only pray that it does not come to pass. "pray"? no, not pray. hope.

I realized today that tomorrow is our one month anniversary... our third one month anniversary.

And it's almost like we're not dating. I just realized that the only difference between us dating and us as friends before is in what we call our relationship... and a few things we do in private. I am hoping, perhaps, we can change that, which is why I gave her the story. Can she be changed? I really don't want to change her... I want her to show the part of her inside that I believe exists... even if she doesn't want to admit it.

Maybe it comes down to wanting to appear strong. You want people to respect you and, having lived your whole life unloved and uncared for and shot down when you try to love, eventually you just bury it deep inside you and it takes a strong person who loves you a lot to get it back out and make you see that love is not a weakness. Whoever said caring people are wussys was a complete idiot.

Anyways... I have a concert tomorrow and bowling so I doubt that I will be on much... maybe in the morning, though I want to sleep in and dream pleasent thoughts about things that could be with Dark Angel.

Freya... I too wish she would make up her mind... but I think she already has and is just unwilling to show it... I don't want to ask you to help her, as you helped me... but... if she gives you the chance, please take it. I know you can help her, as you helped me, as you may have to help me again.

And, if anyone is interested, I have a new poem that I can send you... just talk to me on the internet, its gonna be a while until I start posting stuff on the website again... bloody brother.

Later
Dep

What can I say of my life...

pure hell.

ah... a coincidence... my brother is listening to "Highway to hell"

(the irony)

Anyways... I'm sure some of you have read freyas blog... (And you know im Dep right?) so... I need to respond.

Freya... (and I am goign to be honest) more than anything in the world I want you to be happy. KoS feels the same way... dark nova, I dunno. I know he's looking into other possibilities for a girlfriend, so I think he's on the road to recovery. But I myself cannot... will not... interefere in another persons relationship. When DN and you were together, when the person whos name I shall not speak were together and when you and Angelis were/are together... I stayed away cause I knew you had feelings for someone. (Angelis.) I wish for nothing but the best for you... my own feelings dont matter. I'm used to getting stepped on through life... happened so many times I'm used to it now. Go and be happy Freya... I understand everything you've said in your blog.

Dark angel... well... I gave her the second story today (I think everyone who reads this has also read the story.) I don't know what she will think about it but... I guess I'll find out tomorrow wont I. Or on the weekend. She knows who I base my characters on... so...

It really is a true story... except for the suicides of course... and all the other death that appears in the story. Everyone there is based on a real person and it is how I see those people. Maybe I'm deluding myself in seeing Dark Angel as Bridget... but it's how I want her to be.(oh... except Frank... Frank is not based on anyone that I know of)

But the experiances in 2003... up to the end of september in the story are true. Mike's personality is based on mine... no he is me, except, honestly, i cannot kill myself. I have not the will nor the courage to face whats beyond the grave... for I fear that there is nothing.

Anyways... I have a sudden urge to cry and listen to sad music in the dark... so im gonna turn off the lights and continue rebuilding my files... later

well, as most of you know, i wont be around much on the weekend or friday... i have concerts straight through and bowling and a few other things that i must take care of. So dont expect to see me at all this weekend... maybe monday. (And probably not much tomorroweither, unless thigns go well.)

Need to answer some tough questions in my life, but I'm sure that I can.

Later all.

(and if i have a mistake in my title, sorry :P i never claimed to be able to write french)

well... what can i say about my day.

i got up at about 9 to start typing my story... finished around 5. I sent it off to people then and got started on my homework, which I've just about finished, except for my french introductions. have to write three of them *shudder*

anyways... now that I'm in a slightly calmer mood, I feel a little bit better. Yesterday and saturday after bowling I was in an extremely volitile mood... anything could have set me off. I was slamming doors and almost breaking spoons... the 20 minutes of conversation with my grandparents took all of my energy. But I survived it without making a complete ass of myself, and so here I am... still angry but less violent.

i dunno.. i just dont know about anything in life anymore. A month ago, everything was going right. Freya had Angelis, Dark Nova had a chance with a girl... and I had Dark Angel. School was looking good for me, I was beginning to develop some more friendships with people i actually consider to be friends... and I was losing weight (lol).

Now... its all turned around. But... i'm becoming jaded about life. What happens, will happen. Dark Angel will love me or she will not and if she does not, then I will figure out what to do... probably cry a lot... mope... be anti-social.

Hopefully things will turn around.

I remember my words from one of my poems... they seem to fit what has just happened...

"What was once unbreakable
Is now broken
What was once fire
Is now ice

What was once forever
Is now never
What was once found
Is now lost

What was once treasured
Is now forgotten"

I wrote them about Freya and Dark Nova at their breakup... because I saw through darens eyes and knew he would never breakup with her... but then it happened.

Now? Freya and Angelis... whos love runs deeper than anything I have ever seen before in my life and whom I envy because I do not have such a love... have broken up... and the words are all the more true. I never saw this... not even in my worst nightmares. Oh... I've heard his reasons and.. well, to be honest, I completely disagree with them. He wants to enjoy the single life... well I suppose he has something to enjoy in the single life. I don't see anything in the single life except lonliness... we differ. Oh well... but Freya needs him.. its obvious from all she says. And I don't know what she's goign to do without him. I guess she can lean on me if she needs to... hell I want her to. But its just so... so... dumb a reason! I've heard it from lots of people. Dark Angel told me it's why she didn't find a new boyfriend... Scrabble told me it and thats she enjoys casual sex over pure relationships... and now Angelis. I guess I'm just really different from all these people... being single is the worst experiance of my life... all my worst moments have involved me becoming single.

And speaking of Dark Angel, I sent her an email asking her if we could talk sometime next weekend... hopefully she'll say yes.

I need to know one way or the other... it just can't keep going on like this...

Anyways... my problems.

I really hope freya survives this until angelis decides that he's had enough of the single life... but i've heard some people use that excuse just to soften the blow... and they never come back. But Angelis is indeed new in town and needs time to settle in to a new job and everything... so I doubt that he will delude her. I sent her an email in which I spoke nothing but the truth... (I rarely lie to my friends but... once in a while a tiny white lie escapes my lips.) I hope she knows its all true and that i mean everything in that letter.

I am... doubting whether or not I'm going to be together at the end of this month. I want to be with Dark Angel so much... I love her... but I don't know how this is going to go over with her... I love her enough that I'm willing to let her go her own way if that is what she wants.

Oh I won't be happy... but I will let her go.

Freya... I wish you nothing but the best and I hope Angelis has enough of the single life real fast... and if he never comes back, I hope you find someone you love almost as much.

and Dark Angel... I wish you to please make up your mind if you love me or not. None of this I only love you in private crap... Love me and be proud to show the world that you are strong enough to love someone with all your heart... or tell me you don't and end it. Don't leave me hanging

Sorry... just couldn't come up with one today...

Well... the question now is, am I deluding myself into thinking dark angel is something shes not... or is it just in public that she does this...

If I'm deluding myself, am I also deluding myself that I'm in love... and if its just in public, can she change...?

Too many questions, not enough answers...

I have to talk with her... this just gives me one more reason to do so.

If it goes well... she'll admit that shes wrong in what she's doing to me in public and she'll try to change... or she'll reveal her problem with public affection and we can work around it, or we can work together to try and fix it.

If it goes badly... she'll tell me to act like a man and that i should have a thicker skin and how its all my fault... well it is my fault, but not only my fault... i think we both have to do more... but everytime ive tried to do more i get knocked back down...

and if its a disaster, she'll breakup with me on the spot...

so much to gain, so much to lose...

My whole life, I've let people walk all over me... I never complain... I give what they want and hope they'll leave me alone..

And now, I've begun to develop my confidence... thanks to Freya... and I get back together with dark angel... whom I really do love, I think there is a great person in there and that everything she does is just... a defensive mechanism of a sort. She's afraid to take relationships seriously and afraid to show love in public... why? who knows... maybe she'll tell me one day. But... she starts to walk all over me, calls me only when everyone else is busy, makes rude comments in public about me, and treats me like im not even there sometimes... but... I do the same thing. I say hi... and I say bye. I don't start a conversation... why not? I find excuses... like this weekend it was, well she doesnt want to talk with me, she wants to be with her friends...

But aren't I one of her friends? Hell, she claimed to love me and our conversations...

I dunno... if this goes badly, I don't know how well I'm going to take it... or how long it will be until I try again...

Scrabble and I were talking about her and the possibilities of her... taking her own life, and I'm willing to do everything in my power to prevent her from doing that... but... if she doesn't have feligns for me (And from how she treats me in public, that is the feelign i get.) what can I do?

I really am in love with her... the person she can be in private, when we're alone...

But in public she's completely different... maybe she was just in a bad mood or something... but... well, we'll see what happens monday-friday this week...

I'm frustrated with her... she's... a frustrating person... and a confusing one. Perhaps that is her goal, but...

I really love her... and if she doesn't believe that when I tell her, I don't know how I can make her believe it... but I don't know how long I can take being treated like im not even there... or like we're aquantinces in public. Because most of our time together is in public...

As I asked KoS a while ago... Is it better to be alone than in an "abusive" relationship (i put quotation marks because this is not the usual form of an abusive relationship)... guess I have to ask myself that question...

And if she breaksup with me... or i break up with her... where do I go? back in to depression? good luck getting me back out. to another person? There are three people i know i would consider dating... two of htem are in longterm relationships and the other has no interest in me... so its alone for me and in my lonliness I, perhaps, will find a reason behind life and all my suffering...

Now Playing: We Didn't Start the Fire (or as our band teacher spells it We Dident Start the Fire)

Don't ask, he can't spell

Today went bad

I went to bowling expecting... I dunno. I was expecting something.

I get in and I'm ignored by Dark Angel. I startled one of her friends and nearly sat on another, but she ignored me, until I started bowling where she started going "Gaterade" like in the Waterboy.

So, as you can guess, she was bowling with... oh about 4 of her friends. And apparently they'd had this big party the night before, in which they got no s leep and they were making mroe plans for tonight...

None of which involved me.

I bowled my nine games and I was in incredible pain, but I survived. (f I had to do 12, I might haev killed myself)

They left... not a goodbye, not a kiss or a hug, nothing... not even later or ciao.

Now... am I being paranoid? who knows... certainly not I...

But... I'm her boyfriend. The least she could do is say goodbye and hello!

Is it because her friends were there? Ah, I'm back into maybe she's embarressed about having me as a boyfriend... or maybe having a boyfriend at all...

This is beginning to piss me off...

So, obviously, we did not get to talk as her friends took up all her time...

But... I feel so left out. I mean, who wouldn't. She has this group of friends and doesn't invite me over when I'm done bowling... and she never invites me over when she has a large group of friends over... like last night...

I dunno... I'm in a shitty depressed mood, mixed with anger over that stupid stupid stunt somebody did with my files... I'm not even done replacing my poems.

I just... I dunno if she's right for me... I know I have feelings for her but can I live with someone whos embaressed to be my girlfriend?? And whos afraid to show emotion in public?? Maybe she just needs time to get used to the idea... or maybe she can't...

What should I do?

I have no answers anymore... all my theories are contradicted by something she did... nothing seems to fit except she doesnt want people to know im her boyfriend... or she hates me and is just trying to make me feel better... but even THAT doesnt fit... and the first one doesnt fit her personality...

I'm going crazy... I want to tell her all about this but I'm scared she'll think I'm... going too far too fast...

But I'm still not going to breakup with her... I'm hoping she'll change... maybe I'm being naive, but... meh, I'll be naive this once.

yeah thats right, very very addictive. I find myself posting 2, 3 or even 4 times a day... now thats addicting.

So,w hat shall I do this morning? Well, I'm about to go eat food... yes its 10:30 but its a saturday and my custom is to lie in bed until... whenever. I tihnk it was about 10 this morning.

Then I have bowling at one... yay. Have to bowl 9 games, my arm is gonna hurt. And maybe twelve... oh well.

Heh... And Freya's blushing about what I wrote... sorry... but it's the truth! (I have no regretts)

Anyways, I'll be on later today around... oh say about 9pm EST. later all

*grumble* years of work down the drain.

Some "smart" person today went and deleted all my files on this computer... and I have no backups. Gargh! (oo new word invented.) All my music, my website, mine, freyas and somebody elses poetry gone, all my band stuff, my D&D campaigns, everything gone. *pissed* death is too good for the person who did this... its gonna take MONTHS to find all my music and rebuild my website, during which time I cannot update anything! grr!

On the plus side, I will be seeing dark angel tomorrow... well its almost today isn't it? Perhaps we'll get to talk... or perhaps not. Life will bring what it brings.

And talk about what... well I decided not to bring up sex... its not even been a month, so I'll hold back on that and go with a general thing about myself, and hopefully i'll get out of her something about herself in return...

bloody curiosity

Anyways... I'm gonna start replacing my files now... grumble grumble

later

Yep, you guessed it, I have today off school. (go P.D. Days!)

Anyways... todays plans are... non-existant. I'm playing it by ear. I'm really hoping Dark Angel will come on line and I can ask her if I can go over to her house... haven't seen her in a while, and I miss her.

If she doesn't, I'm gonna go to the Dungeon, play some Magic or something, because I don't want to spend all day behind my walls.

I have a new theme for poetry... I'm going to write more tonight and then post them tomorrow.

Editting my story is going well... im just about to start writing "Freya the Character"s point of view.

So I'll be back later tonight, around 8 i'd say (and thats 2000 for those of you on military time :P and EST for everyone not where I live.)

Later all

never could quite get the hang of thursdays...

anyways

Today was a long and boring day... first period was physics... forgot my homework (oh well, -1% on my term mark) in which we did something almost interesting... hookes law... (yay *sarcasm*). Then came french, which was more boring, if thats possible. Basically we corrected homework for the whole class. (and 75 minutes of correction can get pretty boring.) English was sortof boring, but I got to listen to my music while writing my critical response in a hurry, since it was due at the end of the period. I didn't get it finished, but I was close (but I was also 150 words over the maximum... oh well.) Last period was math. Now... I'm in advanced advanced math, plus im in my last year of high school... so im in the most advanced math class. (we call it 536.) And we had a substitute today, in place of our wonderful teacher who reminds me so much of myself. He goes so quickly with everything, its at a pace which is actually challenging. This teacher teaches grade 10 normally... and she goes slow... and she actually asked us "Do you all know what an absolute value function is?" Well if we don't, there is something seriously wrong here. Anyways, that was the fun class because I was laughing at how she made us do things. She made us find the absolute value of -12.... and gave us 5 minutes to do it... lmao...

But my day was pretty boring, i'm out of the chess tournement we were having, cause i lost todays series of games 2-1. (I screwed up totally in my last game and lost in like 15 moves... I missed his Queen and my queen being opposite each other and I moved my king away so BAM check and I can't kill it... oh well, shit happens. I'll have to watch for that in the future.)

I'm still in pain, but its getting better. Hoepfully it will be gone by this weekend because I have 9 games of bowling, and im probably going to prebowl for the week after that also... have to call my band director see if i can get times for our concert...

and my angel? I bet you've all been wondering, since I haven't talked about her since monday. Well... you know, I just don't know. Well I do know I'm in love... its fairly hard to miss that feeling... but her feelings? I have one person telling me she loves me and another telling me she is incapable of showing it... its not very helpful... but who said life is fair?

I'm not breaking up with her... but if she does with me, this is the last time, I swear. I'm not playing the game where we're on and off and on and off... that pisses me off. (lol) so its gonna stay off if she does that...

But I really hope we do stay together... I see a lot of promise and potential in her... and I love her. I know she could be so much more than she is...

And I hope she'll talk to me about her problems... she's alluded to many of them, and I find that talking about them, not with a shrink but with someone you love, can often help. So many of the things I worry about seem stupid and pointless when I talk to Freya of them... though I try not to do that because I don't want to drag her down. Plus she's got her own problems without worrying about mine.

I think my angel has the ability inside to love and care... and I'm going to try to bring that out in her, even if it takes years.

I love her...

and I miss her... haven't seen her in 2 weeks... or talked to her since last weekend. We're gonna see each other on saturday... and perhaps tomorrow if she comes online and I ask if i can go over to her place... but we'll see.

later all

*sarcasm*

oww, everything hurts. I have a terrible neck pain from some unknown source. I'm thinking about going to bed now... after I do my estieing math homework.

(and thanks again for inspiring my title! lol)

I know I just posted a blog... about 10 minutes ago, but I had another fit of inspiration.

For many a month now, I've had the pleasure (and it has been a pleasure, and an honor in fact, though sometimes she doesnt think so) of knowing, and conversing with Freya. (And if you need any of those words explained, go find a dictionary now - if you dont know what a dictionary is well... i cant help you.) And I really don't think she knows how great a person she is, so I will sacrifce my beauty sleep to writing about her...

Freya, you truely are a great person. Greater than I, and you better believe it. (No I'm not talking adown about myself.) You've helped me out of many many MANY difficult situations in my life, even though you don't know it sometimes, just by being there, and giving me a laugh when I needed it. Without you... who knows where I would be. Before you, I was alone in this world... I didn't talk to anyone about my problems. I felt alone, everyday of my life, and everynight. And then... you came in and, although I'm still in hte dark, I can at least see the light. Will I ever be in it? Probably not... but at least its there. You're a compassionate person and I really think what happened (and whats happening) between you and Angelis is the greatest thing that could happen to you, for you, out of all the people I know, including myself, deserve to be loved the most. And, because you have been there for me in the past, I know I will be there whenever you need me. So you do NOT owe me one... rather I owe you many, for all the things you've done in the past and haven't noticed and have noticed. I hope you've figured out by now that I care about you... (and Angelis, if you're reading this, I'm not planning on making a move, so... don't get angry. I have who I want.) and that life will never seperate us as friends. (And I am so coming to your wedding... don't forget to send me an invitation!) lol. And if I ever, EVER hear you knock your looks ever again, I will bitch at you, like you will bitch at me if i ever, EVER say I doubt my angels feelings for me. Accept your looks freya ;) they're good to have. Anyways... I've made you blush enough for one night...

Tomorrow.... Poetry about how Freya has the looks of her namesake ;) just joking...

Later all

I'm too tired to pick a title for this... it was a long day.

I woke up late, had to pray I'd make my bus transfer...which I did with time to spare. The bus is always like 10minutes late... but I can't count on that, can I? The bus ride was uneventful... boring as usual. My day was boring... started a response in english... had music... economics (reminds me, I still need to buy my text book for that) and finally chemistry. Had a test today in chem that required us to use systems of equations... that was a little bit confusing until I realized it. Hopefully I scored a perfect... I tried my best. And hopefully the lab I handed in also wasn't too badly done... I just scribbled half of it during lunch. Too many things to catch up on. Band was fun... have some entertainment coupon books to sell now. Roots kid and I and her bf and a pile of other people had great fun on the bus ride home... and we (RK and I) got to talk about interesting things, like my story.

And then I got home, and life was boring once more... I ate, I read a little bit of "Blood and Gold" (on my second time through now) and then I came down here to do math homework & chat to people. Muchos fun, non? Anyways... I'm gonna go read Freyas blog... then I dunno... probably should go to bed soon, considering I have school tomorow... and gym class :D. Later all

Just gonna post this, then im going upstairs to listen to music and edit my story.

Well, thanks to Freya, I have... proof? no, but I am now confident that my angel does have feelings for me. It's a great feeling... but I don't know how to deal with it. Freya wouldn't lie to me, I know that much, and she's really good at feeling these things out about people, but I've never been loved and been in love at the same time. There's always some conflict for me to feed upon, and now, faced with the girl of my dreams wanting me and me wanting her... theres no tragic, romantic conflict for me to write about. I'm scared to be happy... it happens. I will get over it, it will just take some getting used to.

Anyways... just wanted to talk about that a bit. now im for bed. later

I hope y'all like the new look of my blog... I was bored so I went and messed with the HTML code. If you can't read it... send me an email or something.

And I'm bored so I'm gonna go around doing random things now... later

well almost... it will be by the time i finish writing this...

So what did I do all morning you're asking. Well... I edited my story. Thats about it, I'm only just finished page 14 when I needed a break so I came down here, hoping to find someone to talk to... with no luck, until KoS appears. Oh well... my parents are leaving in about an hour and a half and hopefully I can kick my brother out of the house so I can put the music on "Loud" (and Loud for me is LOUD) and just write in the basement, instead of my room.

Not that I don't love my room, but it gets cramped after 6 hours of writing in a chair... plus here I have more music selection.

Read Freya's blog this morning also... and I'll try to give you more stories by me lol... but for me to write well I need "divine inspiration" or something like that. My next idea is what I tried to write over the summer but I really didn't like my first draft... a story about my angel and I... well thats gonna be long. And I'm not sure how to end it... but I'll think of something... maybe it will just be a "to be continued" but i will think of something. Thats gonna be after I finish this one though... unless I get really bored. I'm also thinking about changing "My Dark Angel" though all the changes are in the end half of it, where I dropped the ball on descriptions.

And, perhaps sometime today, out of sheer boredom, I might choose a new URL for my website... maybe dep.tripod.com, its a lot shorter, but i dunno.

Back to school again tomorrow... I really have to do some laundry and find some of the binders I lost in the week I was sick... and find my bloody bus pass, have to get that recharged...

Anyways... I'm off to review some poems and such (its what i do when I'm bored) later all...

why not do another one?

I'm going upstairs soon... right after I finish this, unless Freya appears, though I doubt she will...

I really do love talking with her... she understands me so well...

And Freya, if you are reading this, the answer to the question you asked me this morning that I evaded is in my lettres... you have the URL.

(the rest of you, dont ask)

I dunno... Life is beginning to really REALLY get me down sometimes...

I just really want to see vicki... two weeks without her is killing me, what will three or four or four years (god forbid) be like?

I love her.. this has to be love, it cant be anything else

And if any of you out there laugh at me, fuck you all.

i need to go cry or im going to kill someone, and then im going to cuddle with my pillow until midnight, at which poitn i will attempt to fall asleep...

If you're laughing, its not funny

In case you cant tell... i'm in depression... wyh? who knwos. could be my concerns, could be that i havent seen vicki, could be love for her trying to escape...

anyways

ngiht all

oh yeah, i posted new poems for anyone who wants to read them... the link is on your right.

are all pointless.

I am going to attempt to forget about my concerns with my angel... mostly because she should be telling me the truth... and i think she is. I don't think she'd stay with me for any reason other than that she wants to... so... yeah.

Though I still have other problems on my mind, at least I can live with them.

alright... after that long analysis of my own writing...

my life hasnt changed much in the day since yesterday... I fell asleep as I always do... and I woke up and just sat in bed and thought...

what did i think about?

well I thought about my angel... and of the conversation i should have with her... i keep imagining what im going to say, how im going to say it... lifes giving me too much time to prepare... its gonna sound canned lol... nah i'll improv it as always...

i thought about freya... as i do every morning...

and i thoguht about things which have happened to me... its like that... i think about one thing and then i go off into a tangent while thinking... then i have to drag myself back...

I don't remember any of my dreams... which is a good thing. Usually, I've noticed that my dreams seem to predict bad things... like the tornado... and my angels and Is second breakup... stuff like that.

I do remember a funny incident that happened a few days ago. I was reading a book I had just bought, never read before, and behold, in the last paragraph the main character refers to the love of his life as "my dark angel." Coincidence or what, especially since MY dark angel is the one who got me hooked on that series... wonderr what she thinks of my use of it, considering shes also read this book that i just did.

Lifes funny likethat... anyways...

im hoping to write a good poem today... a really good one... i had an inspiration and i wrote it down, now i just need to write it... ill do that later today when i find some time...

but anyways... ttyl... i have chatting to do :D

Utter utter chaos... sounds like fun, no?

Anyways...

Today I had a sudden urge to go to a park and eat baguettes. For those of you who live where I live, its the Aydelu park... if you dont know where that is, then oh well. Its a park, with a baseball field, and late at night, its so quiet and peaceful.

Almost like going camping...

anyways

I really should start working on my story. I have a pile of improvements in mind...

One... Start part III from the beginning

Two... add a new part, describing Freyas relationship with Mike from the beginning of the story.

So, in esscense, develop the characters of Freya and Julianna more, by showing their reactions to what Mike tells them. Those are what I'm sure of doing

Three... Change the scene describing mike and juliannas "relationship" (if you can call it that) to something more... well less... dirty. I think that part came off wrong.

Four... more character feelings at the end of Bridgets part (ie at her death) for mike and for her, draw the part out more, add detail.

Five... lengthen the interlude in between 2003 and 2006 (in all 4 parts)

Six... describe the after effects of Bridgets death on mike in more detail (before he meets julianna.)

Basically these improve the details which are presented, to give a deeper view of the characters feelings/emotions/actions/reasons behind their actions

And of course, a lot of word/sentance structure changes, trying to be more accurate with words. The way I do this is by letting it sit for a week, forgetting about it. Then come back and read and try to think about how im describing the event, not how it actually happened (since of course, half of the events in the story come true.) and then compare what the story gives me to what I remember, and add detail based on that. (Or subtract inaccuracies that I didn't intentionally leave in.)

The only character, btw, whos actions;/feelings/thoughts I'm 100% sure on are mikes (since he is, of course, based on me.) The rest... who knows. Its mostly fiction on Bridgets part, though its how i'd like to picture the character shes based on. Freya... well most of that is how I picture her also (or wil lbe once I write it) and julianna is mostly made up also.

Freya's "boyfriend" in the book (who is NOT based on her current boyfriend) isnt based on anyone in particular now... but i'm thinking about developing his character more, mostly through freyas eyes in the story. And I have the perfect asshole to base it on...

Anyways... we'll see how it all turns out. This is just an outline really, with two peoples points of views completed, which tell one story. I'm thinking about adding another... though I'm not sure. If I don't like it, I'll scrap that part of it.

And some people (on line) are asking what my meaning is... well here it is

Life is chaos. For example, Mike gets what hes always wanted (Bridget) and then loses her through a stupid stupid misunderstanding. It's no ones fault really, but they should have talked about it. Freya sees it as her fault (and Mike also does, thats one of the revisions im making) and she is unable to live with what she has done to her love. Because, really, Freya loves Mike, as Mike loves Freya... in an intimate friends sortof way thats difficult to explain. So... she takes her own life, hoping to find forgiveness. And then... Julianna, whos also in love with Mike (man this guy has lots of people in love with him) trys to comfort her... but her experiances with past boyfriends has led her to believe that ALL men want comfort in the form of sex... so she gives him that. And mike goes along with it... until he sees what he has become. He sees that he is using her body just to give himself comfort... and runs away. He hates the kind of person he has become. So he kills himself, without takling to julianna about what her real feeligns are. oops. Julianna, who it turns out, is in love with him, runs away from all the memories of the three that are left behind... and in the end, kills herself, because she has known true love and probably never will again. So... thats the whole plot. The meaning is basically... well...

When I wrote it I wanted to show someone (the person who Bridget is based on) how much I love her. The rest is all icing at that moment. Then, other people read it and saw hidden messages in it that I myself did not see at first...

The first, which I put in there myself, is how teenagers (because everyone in this story is between the ages of 15 and 19) can feel love, and can express it. It frustrates me sometimes to hear, or read of adults saying "you're only 16... you dont know what love is. That pisses me off and I wanted to show teens which can know what love is.

The second, which I did not, but later found common to all the subplots, is that misunderstandings are the cause of a lot of problems. Look at Bridget and Mike. Huge misunderstandings, each of them thinking the other will see them as weak if they say that they love the other, and then, in the end, with freya in the hospital and all. And then, between Freya and Mike, with her thinking its her fault... thats a misunderstanding. And freyas bf leaving her because he thinks shes mad at him... thats a misunderstanding. And Mike thinking julianna doesnt love him and just wants sex... thats a misunderstanding. Its all misunderstandings that cause the majority of the problems in the lives of my characters (And in my life, come to think of it)

there are a few more in there, but those are the ones i think its important to find and understand.

I went in today, and I could swear it was monday...

Anyways...

It was a cold day. Very cold, so cold I was wearing a jacket (and I don't wear my jacket very often). I managed to avoid killing people today, or bitching at them... but i'm trying not to overtax my system.

Life just keeps pissing me off... but you don't really want to hear about my problems, at least not most of you (Freya, you do i know that). But I've heard that certain people find my problems ENTERTAINING! (glaring... you know who you are.) So... no more problems here... you want to learn about that, you talk to me in person.

Band projects going slowly... but surely..

anyways, later alls

oo... anyone have ideas? i've tried meditation, i've tried bitching on my blog, i've tried writing a letter, i've tried chatting to scrabble... NOTHING WORKS! and i'm afraid if i go in tomorrow i'm going to breakdown again... but maybe its not sucha bad thing... i am going in tomorrow, so... on with the show.

hope to talk to you all later tonight

here is a letter i wrote after i posted that blog...

Dear Dark Angel

Ah... I'm back writing a letter to people I love... I've done this before. THe first time that I did this, I showed them the letter... you might get to see this sometime in your future... maybe when we're 30 if we're still together. I find it's impossible for me to tell you what I feel... because I know, well I think, that you... don't want affection? I don't know why... but I don't get the feeling you want me to hug you and kiss you and love you like I do. In my story (which you've probably read by now) I say that Mike is a man who likes to cuddle. Mike's me, in almost every way. I do like to cuddle. I like to hear the words I love you and little things like that. I like to hear your heart beat at night and I like knowing you love me. Believe me, after you kissed me, I was as joyous as I can be. Then... my doubts started. Why !!Why did you break up with me and say you thought you were on crack when you told me yes. Why did you do/say those things, then come back and tell me you love me! How can you do this! what is real! Is anything real!

I can't tell you how much I love you... how much I want you. It's impossible to describe, only another person who's been in love can know what I feel when I'm with you. My heart breaks everytime you say you want to die, because I know then that my love isn't enough to keep you in this world... or is it? Do you even know how much I love you? I thought I made it clear... but maybe I haven't. I do love you, in the deepest way a man can love a woman. But... I'm not good at showing it. A person needs my absolute trust before I can talk about these things, and... you don't have it. I don't know that you won't laugh at me! Hell, most people would! A 16yo guy who likes to cuddle and is deeply in love with a girl... many people our age wouldn't understand. I've met a few that do... scrabble and freya even dark nova and roots kid to a point. But you? I don't know if you can understand the way I see love... its not about sex. Alright, me and sex. To make it clear, for all time. I want sex... I have absolutely no problem with doing it, hell I want you to do it. I have my kinks, few people know about it, but I'm in to a lot of strange things. Well... not strange. I have few limits lets say, and I'm willing to try just about anything. But sex...even kinky sex... is hard for me to talk about because I don't want you to think I'm a pervert... I'm not, you have to believe that. Just because I want sex doesn't mean im obsessed with it, or that I'm going to make you (or even expect you) to want it too. You're 16... and I can understand not wanting it, to avoid pregnancy, or because of bad experiances with it in the past... whatever reason. All I want from you is love... and it doesnt even have to be bright... I want you to hold me and kiss me and hug me. I want, sometimes, the sappy words, like I know freya and angelis say to each other... I want that so badly, it hurts. I want to know you love me, like I love you. But... most of all... I want it all to be true. I don't want a lie! No lies... not even for my own good. If you think I might kill myself, you're wrong. I love life... I love talking with freya and scrabble about my life and i know that somewhere out there, there is a woman who can give me what I want... and who wants what i can give. I'm a hard person to love... I'm shy and i don't always say the right things... I want to do and say so many things, but I'm afraid of what you'll say... you need to be patient, build up to it, let me know you won't be mad that i kiss you, and kiss me just to help me with it. You need to be patient, sometimes I will push you away, when I really want it. ITs like when you wanted to read the first story I wrote... I told you no way and made up some excuse, but really I wanted you to read it more than anything in the world. Be patient and push me along. Drag me out of my shell, so that I can show you how much i love you. And if you want sex, then sure... but be patient. Start slowly. I'm new to it, because all my previous girlfriends never got that far... so sex is new for me. Be patient, thats all I ask, because I'm a hard person to love. And I do love you, even though I almost never show it. I pray that you know this, and want this. And I almost pray you read this.

Love
Dark Elf Poet

Not much else to say...

I'm just... I don't know. I don't know whether i should become violent or if i should cry or go hug a pillow. On monday I was cuddling with my pepsi bottle. Today, I started crying as I was singing... been a long time since singing made me cry. I want it so badly... and i want it from her... but i dont know if i can get it from her... i dont know if she wants to give it to me, or if she just wants... i dunno what she wants. What does she want, maybe I should ask her that. This is driving me crazy... I'm moody and i'm afraid I'll scream... I need to talk about it to her.. but more than that I want to be loved. Loved as only my girlfriend can... not like freya can ,even though i know she does, its not the same is it? The love of a girlfriend is so different from that of a friend...

I see the dark pit in front of me... i'm not going in... don't worry...

i really hope dark angel gets over her illness soon... we need to talk, hell i need to talk.. and i need to be with her. its killing me, not able to see her or touch her, or be touched by her.

And when i think i've figured that out... argh! stupid doubts! what if these feeligns aren't about her? what if they're about someone else? (no names, though i have a few ideas) what if... enough with the what ifs. I'm in such a pissed off mood I think I might show my angel my blog... even though shes in pain and doesn't need my concerns washing over her right now.

Freya... scrabble... I want you two to know that... well... i love talking to you two... and sometimes i really need to. I wish my angel and I could talk like we do, and i know we CAN if only she'd show it.

I'm so depressed...

Help...

I'm angry! omg i am so angry and then in an instant it turns to depression. I have a feeling I should be DOING SOMETHING not sitting here writing about it to people i've never met/people who its not about! I want to write her a letter... my angel that is... but I've written so many letters to women, and this time i think i need to do it in person. I need to be there and look into her eyes so that SHE KNOWS ITS TRUE.

Life... don't talk to me about life.

I'm not joking... its not even a hyper feeling its the feeling that no matter what i do, listen to music, edit my story, talk to scrabble or freya or roots kid or anyone on line really, that i should be somewhere else. that i want to be somewhere else, and its true. I want to be held... i'm not even going to say by my angel anymore... though i want her to so much. I want her to care about me and show me it! Why is life so... so... pissing me off. Why can't I be like angelis! (im not even going to go there... no use wishing for the impossible). I realize that... hell no i dont realize. I'm a confused person. I know who i want and i know what i want them to give me... but what if they cant? what if my angel cannot express love, or doesnt want to express love! what then! what will i do.

there aer... at least, that i have met... two people that i... want to be with almost as much as my angel. One's got a boyfriend... and her boyfriend is a great guy and really deserves her. The other claims there is no spark between us... and i dont know that there is, so i wont argue with her on that. But... hell... theres got to be someone out there who wants a guy who likes to cuddle and who we have a spark with and who has a brain and who shows she cares! Thats all I want... is it too much to ask? Life's cheated me, somehow, of the first two women i mentioned above... life may cheat me out of a third... and i am going to cry... i can feel it building up inside of me, just waiting for an outlet...

this is why i dont want to go into school... i've had "breakdowns" if you will at school before, and they aren't fun. I prefer to have them at home, where I can conceal
them.

Theres not much more I can say... I am hoping that my angel does read this and figures out what im trying to say... though i think its plain. The poetry I've written about her... the story I wrote about her... the fact that I've come back to her after she rejected me... and the fact that she is THE ONLY WOMAN who i have ever let hold me... not even my parents do that... none of my previous girlfriends have done that. I love her for it, and I really want to be with her more than anything in the world. I hope that she understands everything I've written here, and everything that I've ever said about her... and more importantly I hope she loves me enough to accept it and to show it, even if its just in private. I hope she lets me know how she really feels also... because i don't want a lie.

Never do I want someone to be with me because I want them to. I want them to want me... and if they don't, I can let go... it will take time, but you need to tell me "There is no way we are ever going to be together." Tell me that, and I will accept it. No little hints about maybe in the future, no not right nows. Say those only if you mean maybe in the future. If there is no chance, SAY IT. I need to know... or I will wait for you, and it will only hurt more when we actually breakup.

I want to keep writing, but i'm running out of things to say... so I'll tell a story...

its not even a story, its just a quote from a friend of mine...

"when he found an eyelash on my cheek he said "have you been making wishes?" and I said " I don't have to anymore.." and hugged him."

The person who told this to me... well I won't say who it is, she knows who she is...

But this story... this incident... this event lets say, was so... hell I know its sappy, but its what I want. Its a perfect example of the kind of relationship I want... and even need to a certain point. Scrabble says I connect well with women and that I have great chances of finding one if this falls through... but...

I don't want any woman... I want a smart woman, who cares... theres a song that has a line that goes "you dont seem to know, seem to care, what your heart is for." and i really dont want someone like that. (the song is Torn btw, ty Freya for sending me that :D). I live in constant fear that the song will come true... if you reverse the genders...

And, even if i connect well with women and even if i am a caring person (and im not saying that im not or that i dont) what do they see? Sure, you stay for the inside of a person, but whos going to look at the inside? They're gonna see the outside first... and im not much to look at... and im... anti-social if you will. its hard for me to let people in to see the real me. I hate going to parties, or bars or anything like that... what am i going to do, put out a personals ad? *srcasm* no... its going to be someone i've known for a very long time... its going to have to, because i have to trust them, not even trust, beyond trust. Curse this line of thought

Maybe I'll change as I grow older... but another rejection right now isn't going to help things... especially if the reason is some stupid fucked up reason like "you're not hot" there, that will piss me off. There are some things i can see... like "Theres no spark" or "theres someone i love more." but stuff like "my mom wont let me" well who cares what your mom thinks? We can go behind her back... i'vedone it before, hell I've suceeeded in fooling my own parents many times. They never know when i have a girlfriend or not... except when i brought her home once... sometimes its obvious, because my dad talks to people, but... i'm sure we could hide it from my angels mother.

Sorry.. i'm in a pessimistic mood today...

I love the person I am. I love the fact that I care and that I can write and that im smart. I don't particularly care that I'm not a hunk or a little bit of overweightness (im a lot right now... so that I have to fix). And its basically the same for my girlfriend... i dont care if you have emotional problems (okay... i do care that you have them... and ill listen to them, and help you through them... but its not something that will make me run away from you.) or mental problems (same thing). This should be clear to y'all know, i've only been goign on about it for weeks. And I know i'm being repetative, but... its all I think abuot... i'm going insane.

Love... hold me up through this.

I'm going to go cry now... I need to. Maybe I can be fit to go to school tomorrow if I do it now.

Well... today, while thinking about something, I've figured out what I want...

I miss my angel so much... we've been apart for a week and a half now, and it looks like its going to end up being about a month... :(

I love her so much... yet... thinking about it, sometimes I think she's not right for me... why?

I want her... i know that... I want her to just hold me and for me to hold her, and to cuddle and to know that she loves me. None of this "death is bette rthan life crap." It's such bull. I have half a mind to get her to talk with KoS... or get KoS to do something... but just... its pissing me off. Death is not better than life... Death is the end of existance, there is nothing beyond the grave. No thought, no desire, no love... the end of even knowing you're alive. You can't say "Oh, so this is death!" Your conciousness dies... and thats it. Life is infinatly better than that, because you can feel, and take some joy out of life! Life is shit for me... but I'm still here. I have some joy, and I know theres always something in the future for me. I have my angel... I love her more than anything, and when we're together it feels so good, just to hold her or to be held, or to cuddle and watch a movie. Sex? Forget sex! This is so much better. (honestly, I have no problem with sex... but its not what i need). And even then, if I didn't have her, I have my writing, I have Freya and Scrabble to talk to, and the knowledge that ONE DAY i will find someone. I have the knowledge that... I'm a desirable person, if I dare say that. And I always, always have poutine. Food by itself can be a reason for life. But there are so many reasons Dark Angel has to live... she has me. I love her... and I'm willing to show it, if shes willing to accept it. She has her brain... shes smarter than I am! She has a career which looks possible, as a marine biologist, and even as a writer or an artist or even a singer! She has a life, friends, and a loving boyfriend... I hope she knows that. I tried to make it clear without being clear, but maybe I failed. I will tell her... just I can't really come into contact with her right now... But to wish for death? When you have all these things? I can see some hobo, with nothing perhaps, but she has me. She has a future, and a much better one than I forsee for many people around me. She has a heart, if only she'd show it, and she has a brain! No, there must be something deeper that causes her to think this... perhaps... i don't know if i can speak of it without her permission. But I wish she would talk to me... No one can be strong all the time, not even her. Sometimes she needs to open up and just tell me everything thats bothering her, even if I can't solve it, at least I can be there for her. But how can I help her if she wont let me! Frustration is beginning to kill me. All I want is for her to open up her heart to me, tell me what happened in those 3 years that went by without us speaking, and tell me what drives her almost over the edge... for if she falls, then I am lost without her. Oh, I have enough to keep me in this world... but what will I become?

its wendsday isnt it? alright.

Today I spent most of the day writing my second story... not sure how good it is, scrabble said its great, but i dunno. I've sent it to all of you who read this blog and I think should have it... and i'm going to show it to Dark Angel in person when I see her next... or maybe the time after that... I dunno. Depends when I finish editing it. I've completed the first draft though.

Still planning on having a talk with my angel... dammit, I don't want to repeat myself, but thats all I've been thinking about lately.

later