Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

Sorry... just couldn't come up with one today...

Well... the question now is, am I deluding myself into thinking dark angel is something shes not... or is it just in public that she does this...

If I'm deluding myself, am I also deluding myself that I'm in love... and if its just in public, can she change...?

Too many questions, not enough answers...

I have to talk with her... this just gives me one more reason to do so.

If it goes well... she'll admit that shes wrong in what she's doing to me in public and she'll try to change... or she'll reveal her problem with public affection and we can work around it, or we can work together to try and fix it.

If it goes badly... she'll tell me to act like a man and that i should have a thicker skin and how its all my fault... well it is my fault, but not only my fault... i think we both have to do more... but everytime ive tried to do more i get knocked back down...

and if its a disaster, she'll breakup with me on the spot...

so much to gain, so much to lose...

My whole life, I've let people walk all over me... I never complain... I give what they want and hope they'll leave me alone..

And now, I've begun to develop my confidence... thanks to Freya... and I get back together with dark angel... whom I really do love, I think there is a great person in there and that everything she does is just... a defensive mechanism of a sort. She's afraid to take relationships seriously and afraid to show love in public... why? who knows... maybe she'll tell me one day. But... she starts to walk all over me, calls me only when everyone else is busy, makes rude comments in public about me, and treats me like im not even there sometimes... but... I do the same thing. I say hi... and I say bye. I don't start a conversation... why not? I find excuses... like this weekend it was, well she doesnt want to talk with me, she wants to be with her friends...

But aren't I one of her friends? Hell, she claimed to love me and our conversations...

I dunno... if this goes badly, I don't know how well I'm going to take it... or how long it will be until I try again...

Scrabble and I were talking about her and the possibilities of her... taking her own life, and I'm willing to do everything in my power to prevent her from doing that... but... if she doesn't have feligns for me (And from how she treats me in public, that is the feelign i get.) what can I do?

I really am in love with her... the person she can be in private, when we're alone...

But in public she's completely different... maybe she was just in a bad mood or something... but... well, we'll see what happens monday-friday this week...

I'm frustrated with her... she's... a frustrating person... and a confusing one. Perhaps that is her goal, but...

I really love her... and if she doesn't believe that when I tell her, I don't know how I can make her believe it... but I don't know how long I can take being treated like im not even there... or like we're aquantinces in public. Because most of our time together is in public...

As I asked KoS a while ago... Is it better to be alone than in an "abusive" relationship (i put quotation marks because this is not the usual form of an abusive relationship)... guess I have to ask myself that question...

And if she breaksup with me... or i break up with her... where do I go? back in to depression? good luck getting me back out. to another person? There are three people i know i would consider dating... two of htem are in longterm relationships and the other has no interest in me... so its alone for me and in my lonliness I, perhaps, will find a reason behind life and all my suffering...