Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

here is a letter i wrote after i posted that blog...

Dear Dark Angel

Ah... I'm back writing a letter to people I love... I've done this before. THe first time that I did this, I showed them the letter... you might get to see this sometime in your future... maybe when we're 30 if we're still together. I find it's impossible for me to tell you what I feel... because I know, well I think, that you... don't want affection? I don't know why... but I don't get the feeling you want me to hug you and kiss you and love you like I do. In my story (which you've probably read by now) I say that Mike is a man who likes to cuddle. Mike's me, in almost every way. I do like to cuddle. I like to hear the words I love you and little things like that. I like to hear your heart beat at night and I like knowing you love me. Believe me, after you kissed me, I was as joyous as I can be. Then... my doubts started. Why !!Why did you break up with me and say you thought you were on crack when you told me yes. Why did you do/say those things, then come back and tell me you love me! How can you do this! what is real! Is anything real!

I can't tell you how much I love you... how much I want you. It's impossible to describe, only another person who's been in love can know what I feel when I'm with you. My heart breaks everytime you say you want to die, because I know then that my love isn't enough to keep you in this world... or is it? Do you even know how much I love you? I thought I made it clear... but maybe I haven't. I do love you, in the deepest way a man can love a woman. But... I'm not good at showing it. A person needs my absolute trust before I can talk about these things, and... you don't have it. I don't know that you won't laugh at me! Hell, most people would! A 16yo guy who likes to cuddle and is deeply in love with a girl... many people our age wouldn't understand. I've met a few that do... scrabble and freya even dark nova and roots kid to a point. But you? I don't know if you can understand the way I see love... its not about sex. Alright, me and sex. To make it clear, for all time. I want sex... I have absolutely no problem with doing it, hell I want you to do it. I have my kinks, few people know about it, but I'm in to a lot of strange things. Well... not strange. I have few limits lets say, and I'm willing to try just about anything. But sex...even kinky sex... is hard for me to talk about because I don't want you to think I'm a pervert... I'm not, you have to believe that. Just because I want sex doesn't mean im obsessed with it, or that I'm going to make you (or even expect you) to want it too. You're 16... and I can understand not wanting it, to avoid pregnancy, or because of bad experiances with it in the past... whatever reason. All I want from you is love... and it doesnt even have to be bright... I want you to hold me and kiss me and hug me. I want, sometimes, the sappy words, like I know freya and angelis say to each other... I want that so badly, it hurts. I want to know you love me, like I love you. But... most of all... I want it all to be true. I don't want a lie! No lies... not even for my own good. If you think I might kill myself, you're wrong. I love life... I love talking with freya and scrabble about my life and i know that somewhere out there, there is a woman who can give me what I want... and who wants what i can give. I'm a hard person to love... I'm shy and i don't always say the right things... I want to do and say so many things, but I'm afraid of what you'll say... you need to be patient, build up to it, let me know you won't be mad that i kiss you, and kiss me just to help me with it. You need to be patient, sometimes I will push you away, when I really want it. ITs like when you wanted to read the first story I wrote... I told you no way and made up some excuse, but really I wanted you to read it more than anything in the world. Be patient and push me along. Drag me out of my shell, so that I can show you how much i love you. And if you want sex, then sure... but be patient. Start slowly. I'm new to it, because all my previous girlfriends never got that far... so sex is new for me. Be patient, thats all I ask, because I'm a hard person to love. And I do love you, even though I almost never show it. I pray that you know this, and want this. And I almost pray you read this.

Love
Dark Elf Poet

Not much else to say...

I'm just... I don't know. I don't know whether i should become violent or if i should cry or go hug a pillow. On monday I was cuddling with my pepsi bottle. Today, I started crying as I was singing... been a long time since singing made me cry. I want it so badly... and i want it from her... but i dont know if i can get it from her... i dont know if she wants to give it to me, or if she just wants... i dunno what she wants. What does she want, maybe I should ask her that. This is driving me crazy... I'm moody and i'm afraid I'll scream... I need to talk about it to her.. but more than that I want to be loved. Loved as only my girlfriend can... not like freya can ,even though i know she does, its not the same is it? The love of a girlfriend is so different from that of a friend...

I see the dark pit in front of me... i'm not going in... don't worry...

i really hope dark angel gets over her illness soon... we need to talk, hell i need to talk.. and i need to be with her. its killing me, not able to see her or touch her, or be touched by her.

And when i think i've figured that out... argh! stupid doubts! what if these feeligns aren't about her? what if they're about someone else? (no names, though i have a few ideas) what if... enough with the what ifs. I'm in such a pissed off mood I think I might show my angel my blog... even though shes in pain and doesn't need my concerns washing over her right now.

Freya... scrabble... I want you two to know that... well... i love talking to you two... and sometimes i really need to. I wish my angel and I could talk like we do, and i know we CAN if only she'd show it.

I'm so depressed...

Help...

I'm angry! omg i am so angry and then in an instant it turns to depression. I have a feeling I should be DOING SOMETHING not sitting here writing about it to people i've never met/people who its not about! I want to write her a letter... my angel that is... but I've written so many letters to women, and this time i think i need to do it in person. I need to be there and look into her eyes so that SHE KNOWS ITS TRUE.

Life... don't talk to me about life.

I'm not joking... its not even a hyper feeling its the feeling that no matter what i do, listen to music, edit my story, talk to scrabble or freya or roots kid or anyone on line really, that i should be somewhere else. that i want to be somewhere else, and its true. I want to be held... i'm not even going to say by my angel anymore... though i want her to so much. I want her to care about me and show me it! Why is life so... so... pissing me off. Why can't I be like angelis! (im not even going to go there... no use wishing for the impossible). I realize that... hell no i dont realize. I'm a confused person. I know who i want and i know what i want them to give me... but what if they cant? what if my angel cannot express love, or doesnt want to express love! what then! what will i do.

there aer... at least, that i have met... two people that i... want to be with almost as much as my angel. One's got a boyfriend... and her boyfriend is a great guy and really deserves her. The other claims there is no spark between us... and i dont know that there is, so i wont argue with her on that. But... hell... theres got to be someone out there who wants a guy who likes to cuddle and who we have a spark with and who has a brain and who shows she cares! Thats all I want... is it too much to ask? Life's cheated me, somehow, of the first two women i mentioned above... life may cheat me out of a third... and i am going to cry... i can feel it building up inside of me, just waiting for an outlet...

this is why i dont want to go into school... i've had "breakdowns" if you will at school before, and they aren't fun. I prefer to have them at home, where I can conceal
them.

Theres not much more I can say... I am hoping that my angel does read this and figures out what im trying to say... though i think its plain. The poetry I've written about her... the story I wrote about her... the fact that I've come back to her after she rejected me... and the fact that she is THE ONLY WOMAN who i have ever let hold me... not even my parents do that... none of my previous girlfriends have done that. I love her for it, and I really want to be with her more than anything in the world. I hope that she understands everything I've written here, and everything that I've ever said about her... and more importantly I hope she loves me enough to accept it and to show it, even if its just in private. I hope she lets me know how she really feels also... because i don't want a lie.

Never do I want someone to be with me because I want them to. I want them to want me... and if they don't, I can let go... it will take time, but you need to tell me "There is no way we are ever going to be together." Tell me that, and I will accept it. No little hints about maybe in the future, no not right nows. Say those only if you mean maybe in the future. If there is no chance, SAY IT. I need to know... or I will wait for you, and it will only hurt more when we actually breakup.

I want to keep writing, but i'm running out of things to say... so I'll tell a story...

its not even a story, its just a quote from a friend of mine...

"when he found an eyelash on my cheek he said "have you been making wishes?" and I said " I don't have to anymore.." and hugged him."

The person who told this to me... well I won't say who it is, she knows who she is...

But this story... this incident... this event lets say, was so... hell I know its sappy, but its what I want. Its a perfect example of the kind of relationship I want... and even need to a certain point. Scrabble says I connect well with women and that I have great chances of finding one if this falls through... but...

I don't want any woman... I want a smart woman, who cares... theres a song that has a line that goes "you dont seem to know, seem to care, what your heart is for." and i really dont want someone like that. (the song is Torn btw, ty Freya for sending me that :D). I live in constant fear that the song will come true... if you reverse the genders...

And, even if i connect well with women and even if i am a caring person (and im not saying that im not or that i dont) what do they see? Sure, you stay for the inside of a person, but whos going to look at the inside? They're gonna see the outside first... and im not much to look at... and im... anti-social if you will. its hard for me to let people in to see the real me. I hate going to parties, or bars or anything like that... what am i going to do, put out a personals ad? *srcasm* no... its going to be someone i've known for a very long time... its going to have to, because i have to trust them, not even trust, beyond trust. Curse this line of thought

Maybe I'll change as I grow older... but another rejection right now isn't going to help things... especially if the reason is some stupid fucked up reason like "you're not hot" there, that will piss me off. There are some things i can see... like "Theres no spark" or "theres someone i love more." but stuff like "my mom wont let me" well who cares what your mom thinks? We can go behind her back... i'vedone it before, hell I've suceeeded in fooling my own parents many times. They never know when i have a girlfriend or not... except when i brought her home once... sometimes its obvious, because my dad talks to people, but... i'm sure we could hide it from my angels mother.

Sorry.. i'm in a pessimistic mood today...

I love the person I am. I love the fact that I care and that I can write and that im smart. I don't particularly care that I'm not a hunk or a little bit of overweightness (im a lot right now... so that I have to fix). And its basically the same for my girlfriend... i dont care if you have emotional problems (okay... i do care that you have them... and ill listen to them, and help you through them... but its not something that will make me run away from you.) or mental problems (same thing). This should be clear to y'all know, i've only been goign on about it for weeks. And I know i'm being repetative, but... its all I think abuot... i'm going insane.

Love... hold me up through this.

I'm going to go cry now... I need to. Maybe I can be fit to go to school tomorrow if I do it now.