Thursday, October 02, 2003
Little bit of self-inspection
Well... today, while thinking about something, I've figured out what I want...
I miss my angel so much... we've been apart for a week and a half now, and it looks like its going to end up being about a month... :(
I love her so much... yet... thinking about it, sometimes I think she's not right for me... why?
I want her... i know that... I want her to just hold me and for me to hold her, and to cuddle and to know that she loves me. None of this "death is bette rthan life crap." It's such bull. I have half a mind to get her to talk with KoS... or get KoS to do something... but just... its pissing me off. Death is not better than life... Death is the end of existance, there is nothing beyond the grave. No thought, no desire, no love... the end of even knowing you're alive. You can't say "Oh, so this is death!" Your conciousness dies... and thats it. Life is infinatly better than that, because you can feel, and take some joy out of life! Life is shit for me... but I'm still here. I have some joy, and I know theres always something in the future for me. I have my angel... I love her more than anything, and when we're together it feels so good, just to hold her or to be held, or to cuddle and watch a movie. Sex? Forget sex! This is so much better. (honestly, I have no problem with sex... but its not what i need). And even then, if I didn't have her, I have my writing, I have Freya and Scrabble to talk to, and the knowledge that ONE DAY i will find someone. I have the knowledge that... I'm a desirable person, if I dare say that. And I always, always have poutine. Food by itself can be a reason for life. But there are so many reasons Dark Angel has to live... she has me. I love her... and I'm willing to show it, if shes willing to accept it. She has her brain... shes smarter than I am! She has a career which looks possible, as a marine biologist, and even as a writer or an artist or even a singer! She has a life, friends, and a loving boyfriend... I hope she knows that. I tried to make it clear without being clear, but maybe I failed. I will tell her... just I can't really come into contact with her right now... But to wish for death? When you have all these things? I can see some hobo, with nothing perhaps, but she has me. She has a future, and a much better one than I forsee for many people around me. She has a heart, if only she'd show it, and she has a brain! No, there must be something deeper that causes her to think this... perhaps... i don't know if i can speak of it without her permission. But I wish she would talk to me... No one can be strong all the time, not even her. Sometimes she needs to open up and just tell me everything thats bothering her, even if I can't solve it, at least I can be there for her. But how can I help her if she wont let me! Frustration is beginning to kill me. All I want is for her to open up her heart to me, tell me what happened in those 3 years that went by without us speaking, and tell me what drives her almost over the edge... for if she falls, then I am lost without her. Oh, I have enough to keep me in this world... but what will I become?
I miss my angel so much... we've been apart for a week and a half now, and it looks like its going to end up being about a month... :(
I love her so much... yet... thinking about it, sometimes I think she's not right for me... why?
I want her... i know that... I want her to just hold me and for me to hold her, and to cuddle and to know that she loves me. None of this "death is bette rthan life crap." It's such bull. I have half a mind to get her to talk with KoS... or get KoS to do something... but just... its pissing me off. Death is not better than life... Death is the end of existance, there is nothing beyond the grave. No thought, no desire, no love... the end of even knowing you're alive. You can't say "Oh, so this is death!" Your conciousness dies... and thats it. Life is infinatly better than that, because you can feel, and take some joy out of life! Life is shit for me... but I'm still here. I have some joy, and I know theres always something in the future for me. I have my angel... I love her more than anything, and when we're together it feels so good, just to hold her or to be held, or to cuddle and watch a movie. Sex? Forget sex! This is so much better. (honestly, I have no problem with sex... but its not what i need). And even then, if I didn't have her, I have my writing, I have Freya and Scrabble to talk to, and the knowledge that ONE DAY i will find someone. I have the knowledge that... I'm a desirable person, if I dare say that. And I always, always have poutine. Food by itself can be a reason for life. But there are so many reasons Dark Angel has to live... she has me. I love her... and I'm willing to show it, if shes willing to accept it. She has her brain... shes smarter than I am! She has a career which looks possible, as a marine biologist, and even as a writer or an artist or even a singer! She has a life, friends, and a loving boyfriend... I hope she knows that. I tried to make it clear without being clear, but maybe I failed. I will tell her... just I can't really come into contact with her right now... But to wish for death? When you have all these things? I can see some hobo, with nothing perhaps, but she has me. She has a future, and a much better one than I forsee for many people around me. She has a heart, if only she'd show it, and she has a brain! No, there must be something deeper that causes her to think this... perhaps... i don't know if i can speak of it without her permission. But I wish she would talk to me... No one can be strong all the time, not even her. Sometimes she needs to open up and just tell me everything thats bothering her, even if I can't solve it, at least I can be there for her. But how can I help her if she wont let me! Frustration is beginning to kill me. All I want is for her to open up her heart to me, tell me what happened in those 3 years that went by without us speaking, and tell me what drives her almost over the edge... for if she falls, then I am lost without her. Oh, I have enough to keep me in this world... but what will I become?
// posted by Dep @ 11:27:00 a.m.
