Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

i don't know where to begin with this. i have a sudden urge to be alone right now... to just take my CD player and go to a park or down by the river, just so I can be alone with a pad of paper and my pen. I'm tired of having to create an illusion of happiness about me, for that is what it is, an illusion, when my parents or even most of my friends are around. I want to cry... but I can't. I feel it inside me, a deep sadness and I know I need to rid myself of it... but I can't cry. It just won't come, no matter what music I play, no matter what thoughts I think. And I'm tired of being foiled at every turn by life... no matter what I do, life seems to come up with something to stop me. I find Dark Angel, then I lose her to my stupidity... I find her again and lose her to something that I'm not sure of... I find her yet again... only to lose her if she moves away. Can I handle a long distance relationship? The pain of not seeing each other for months on end, the joy of a week or two together, then months more of seperation? The waiting... sitting there, wanting to be with her, but knowing it's impossible? Wondering if she's okay... wondering if shes found someone to replace you, someone who can be there all the time? I don't think I can... but I will if she moves. Even now... Dark Angel and I talk about... twice a day, yes, but how many times are we together, just holding each other? the last time was sometime last month and... it's driving me insane. Our one month anniversary was yesterday. We didn't see each other, didn't do anything... but she was gone to her grandparents, so that is explainable. Our one month anniversary last time? Nothing... absolutely nothing. Kisses? After our three years apart... I can count them on the fingers of one hand. 2. Am I being naive, thinking anybody could love me like I can love them? Maybe I'm crazy and I should just give up after this... because I have a terrible dark feeling inside of me, and I'm not sure why. It started yesterday... which, I would guess, is when dark angel read my story. I don't know how she is going to react... all I can do is hope. If she breaks up with me... I'll deal with it... But right now, I just want to be alone... or with someone I love, which is impossible.

People seem to either hate me or love me. It's weird, it really is. Some people continully insult me or ignore me and never compliment me. Others tell me what a great person I am and how much I have to live for. I really can't believe either of them... I'm not a great person, I'm just a person. I have my problems in life and I have my weakness and my strengths and my faults. My problems seem to be bigger than most peoples, but maybe I just don't know how big peoples problems are sometimes. Maybe if I could just stop caring, life would look brighter... but if I stopped caring, I wouldn't be Dep anymore, would I?

I really hope that Dark Angel is reading this... she has the URL, though maybe she listened to me and deleted it. She deserves to know about everything I think of her and feel about her, even if I don't tell her most of the time. She deserves to know that she is a great person, with lots of potential, if only she'd realize it. I'm not saying she has to be a bright, cheerful person or anything near that, I'm saying she has to realize how smart she is and how much potential she has to become someone great. And how much I love her.

My pesky little brother has come down... I want my own computer... so I'm going to leave soon... go down to the park and enjoy this winters day.

Bye