Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

well... i had a little bit of a problem... i hit delete... oh well...

the generasl gist of this is that scrabble and I had this huge conversation today... i told her of my life... she told me what she thinks of me (a lot like what you said Freya) anyways... it made me realize a few things...

basically i have to go to my angel and tell her i love her and all about my life... explain how much i care for her, how much i love her and what it means for me to love her...

what does it mean for me to love her? well... heres what i told scrabble today...

"you believe in the power and raw emotion, the caring and devotion, the utter and complete devotion? The sacrifice that is sometiems neccessary and the pain that follows after someone takes your heart and twists it into a thousand pieces? "

"love has the ability to conquer all fears... it has the power to change you and to make you a better person... it can also drive you to the depths of insanity... "

"love is to want a person beyond all imagination... to want them so much that you are willing to risk all to have them... and to give up all that you two have won if it will make them happy... to leave them if that is there wish... "

my problem with telling her this?? I'm afraid she won't understand... some people do not understand the concept of love at a young age such as mine... I do... freya does... scrabble does i think... but what about my angel?

and what about me... is what i feel obsession or love... or is love an obsession?

i dont know... and i dont care... im calling it love and im going on with it... because if we are ever to have a future together as i want and desire so very much, she must know this about me... and if she has a problem with it, then i will move on... in time.

Scrabble made me see that there is hope out there... as Freya did... both of them, I think, have the capacity to love me... just the spark isn't there...

But I will tell my angel... i will tell her i love her... that i care for her... i will tell her of my past completely and openly, with no secrets as i have done for no person before... and i will tell her what it means for me to love her... i will speak to her of how fast does she want this to do... and i will ask her if she loves me... or if she thinks she might love me... because this is the last time... no more me going back to her... if she wants this to be over, it is over unless she returns... and with that... i have finished my musings for today... perhaps i will post later tonight...

my illness is fading, so I'm back now... though by back still hurts for some reason.

As I said before, life goes on much as it has in the past few days... I have my doubts and my feelings. I'm fairly certain I'm in love... though you never know (goddamn it... no more pessimism) I AM IN LOVE.

as you can tell, im pissed at my own pessimism... I have to trust my angel to tell me the truth... after all she didn't have to admit she loved me. So... yeah..

its a short entry because i have a letter to write and chatting to do. Later.

hey all... i'm feeling really sick today... didn't even go into school, have to remember to get a note for that. Anyways... life goes on much as it has, so I won't post anything until I'm feeling better. later

Well I certainly managed to stick my foot in my mouth... whoops. Sometimes, when I'm in a bad mood, or not even bad, just worried, I say things I don't always mean... guess my angels right and I have to think before I speak... anyways, freya I'm sorry for what I said earlier today before I left... that came out wrong...

I came here because I have to say something and I don't know what it is or who I can talk to... no one is online that i trust except for my angel... and this is about her, and I don't know if I want her to know yet...

I need to talk to her... I know that... I have a sneaking suspicion we're very similar people in that neither one of us wants to take charge of our relationship...

Basically my point of view on this is that when she's ready, I'm ready... I really don't want to force her into doing something... or for her to feel pressured into doing something that she doesn't before. In our first relationship I did something I'm not proud of, and regret... I took advantage of her... made her give something and recieve nothing in return... fortunatly she does not remember it, because I am a different person now... that experiance helped me to change into who I am now and even though I regret it, I know it had one positive effect at least. I don't want to push her because I'm afraid I'll become like... steve (for freya and KoS steve is much like jay). I'm afraid of going too far because I might lose her... or I might turn into what I've always feared becoming... an asshole like steve. Its not that I don't want it... she's weird but in a way i'm okay with... its... yeah, you get the idea. Why can't I even say I love her... I think its because I'm afraid of rejection... as I've said before, it's happened before... but I doubt she will... not if she spoke the truth to me. Of course, she should do whats in her heart... a week ago, I questioned my power to let go... I know now I have it. "The best way to know if someone loves you is to let go. If they return, they are yours." I will let her go if she wishes it... I won't be happy with it... but she should be happy. Anyways, rejections a part of it... but theres also me questioning myself as to do I really love her... or am I merely desperate? Is it that I've been so unlucky in my love life that when my angel and I started being together as friends (I interpreted it as more than friends but...) that I have latched on to her just for the feeling it gives me? And is this feeling love? If it is, then I'm in love... if its only... I don't know, companionship or something... then am I really in love or do I merely think I am? I think I am... but... self-introspection is hard. When I was dating dorothy, I thought I was in love... a month after we started, I learned I was completely wrong. (In a New York Minute, eh Freya?). i'm fairly certain its love... but I never claimed to be perfect. The other problem is that I could be mistaking my feelings for someone else as feelings for her. It's a possibility, though I think its unlikly, as I have... well I described what we do together and how it makes me feel in a previous entry.

I'm going to have to leave sex up to her... I can't bring myself to ask her... I'm afraid I'll turn into steve... abandon my honor in other words... and I'm afraid she'll think I'm a perv... I'm not a perv, she has to believe that. Read my musing on sex (go to my website --> musings) and you might understand what sex is for me. I can understand her not wanting any... or wanting it all... or wanting... (hmm how do i describe this?)... I'm trying to avoid "rude words" but failing... wanting some i guess? (wanting a way to get the pleasure without the risk of pregnancy i guess... you figure it out now). I'm okay with anyof them... I'm not with her for the sex... I'm there for the feeling... and I'm there for her.

I can see the pain in her eyes... I really hope she can trust me one day enough to tell me it all... like I trust her now... there is nothing that if she asked I would not tell her the truth now. I love her... and I care for her... and I trust her.

Ah! The biting thing. Well... there are many theories on that going around among the three people I talked to about it (dark nova, freya and... well thats it i think... or did i talk about it with KoS?? i dont remember... anyways)... Dark Nova... being dark nova... thinks it means shes horney... hehe... hes such a sick minded person... but I can't disregard it... its actually a pretty good idea he had. Freya... i dunno... I don't remember what she told me... or what KoS told me... I have my own theories of course (like the good scientist I am)... one is dark novas... the others... its her way of showing she loves/cares... not too sure about that one... or its like love bites. Either way is great for me... I have no problem with biting. I have problems with very few things actually... anyways... on to a slightly different topic. I'll learn what it means one of these days... I hope sooner than later but... I know that trust will come slowly to her... like it does for me. There are 4 people in this world I'd tell everything to if they asked... (except maybe a few of the stupid foolish things I did as a kid... but most of those I would anyways) and you know who you are... Kos... freya... my angel... and Dark Nova... Scrabble gets some of it but... dont trust her with it all yet. It will come with time...

I find it odd that Freya and I talk about me and my feelings more than my angel and I do... I guess its because freya is an emotional person, willing to talk about anything... while my angel is more of a silent person... like i am i guess. And I don't really know that my angel won't mock me... even I have to admit that most 16 year olds aren't capable of UNDERSTANDING much less HAVING feelings of love like this... and so the ones that do have them are mocked by most if they talk about it. Freya won't mock me... I know this... I always have. My angel is a different story... she's not really a... person who shows a lot of emotion. She bottles it up and finds ways of expressing it... like through writing (Shes a great writer) or through biting perhaps? (bad joke, sorry)... anyways. I'm just afraid of what she'll say when I tell her I love her and how much I care for her.

Heh... funny story. Theres this utter dumbass in my english class... came up in the middle of discussion and gave, in not so many words, a minute long monologue about how guys dont need women (And basically have no feelings). Omg... I think I might have insulted him 100 times in my reply... I was pissed... if I were my angel, my eyes would have gone red. Guys have no feelings (hah!). I know perfectly well that some guys have feelings... look at me! Would I be here writing this all if it weren't true? Of course its all true... bloody stereotypes. It's guys like him who give the male gender a bad stereotype.

Ooo that pissed me off... but it was funny 2... i was angry and about to burst out in laughter... a most interesting combination. And then he calls our english teacher a pimp... omg omg omg... laughing my ass off. He's almost as bad as this guy from my science class last year... who kept making stupid dumbass remarks about horse fetishes... *shrugs*. The best part was when he fell asleep in class and the teacher whacked him with (depending on his mood) a rolled-up newspaper or a ruler...
hehe...

where was i?

oh yeah..

So... as soon as she recovers from pneumonia, I'm going to go over to her house and tell her all of this... and hopefully she'll understand. I really hope she does... and I think she will... I know that somewhere inside of her is a person who understands what I'm going through.

How do I get her to open up to me though? I don't want to be pushy... or order her around... I want us to be equal... but I want her to trust me. I want to help her out of this abyss shes about to fall into yet... I can't do anything. All I can do is show her and tell her I love her... and hopefully that will be enough. I will be there for her... to comfort her when she needs it... but only if she wants me to...

Anyways... thats enough for tonight... I have to sleep... much as I don't want to...

I will post again 2morrow I hope... later...

Last night... or I should say, this morning... I didn't get to sleep until about 2AM... I had too much going on in my head...

I'm worried about my angel... I'm worried that she secretly hates me... and I don't know if I'm right... if i'm taking a small incident and blowing it out of proportion... or if I'm just being paranoid...

Life, up to this point in time, has held much rejection for me by women. It was at the point I didn't think any woman could accept me... ty freya for changing me. But... the fear is still there... that she'll take my love and use it as a dagger to pierce me. Paranoia? perhaps. But paranoia or not, my fear is real.

Why do some people give such confusing, mind-bending, conflicting statements sometimes?? I don't know... all I know is that I love her... and I think and hope she loves me...

I'm questioning if life mocks me... to have given me what I've always wanted (her) yet with a twist... why can't I haev a sure thing for once in my life... always getting shafted, thats me...

I'm going to tell her that I love her... and we're going to talka bout somethings... my reason behind this came to me last night... if she responds positively then i've gained... if she responds negatively... (ie gets pissed at me, or mocks me for having such feelings...) then i'll know shes not the one... because I know that my one will never mock me for loving her so deeply it hurts...

Later all

Well... figured out why my angel hasn't been going to school... apparently i gave her a cold... which lead to her having pneumonia... i feel like such an ass. But... shit happens in life.

More importantly, I've figured out my feelings for her... love... is too weak a word... but certainly adequate for my purposes.

Anyways... I see my last post was last tuesday, so i will attempt to fill you in...

Yesterday, Dark Nova & I and two of our friends (kevin and vanessa, who are bro/sis) went over to kevs place... we watched movies, etc. Basically my whole week... the rest of it was all boring.

I realized that I have just discovered true love... in the past, what I felt was... a crush for what its worth... Actually thats not true... freya... I don't consider to be a crush, for the simple fact that I still love her... I've accepted that we're never going to be togther, but it is her choice and angelis sounds like a great guy. And I have my angel... But with my angel its different... I don't see her in the morning, I miss her... I don't want to spend time away from her... I know we can't spend every waking moment togteher, for one, we'd get sick of each other... but... its hard to describe... when im with her... head on her leg... her hands in my hair... my hand on hers... i feel so completly at peace with the world... so content.

About her problems? She... needs to deal with them in her own way. I'm their for her always, if she needs me, and if she wants to talk about her problems, she is welcome to... im always willing to listen... but if she doesnt want to talk about it, what can i do? Make her tlak? We all have our outlets... I have mine, freya has hers and my angel has hers.

I really really need to tell her I love her... I need to because its true... and she deserves to know how much I care for her... It's so deep I think its really love this time... but who knows...

Love conquers all... but can it conquer the pain and lonliness I see in her eyes... I love her so much and I know I can make the lonliness go away... but their comes a time when depression becomes the norm and happiness is something you cant deal with easily... I know, I've been there... I still can't deal with compliments well, or happiness, because I've been lonly for so long, I've forgotten how to be happy... but she needs to realize that there is some joy to be taken from life... and I really really really hope that I am one of those joys...

Now, I am off to chat... ttyl all

Yeah... title says a lot don't it?

Anyways... Through out the weekend, in which I reflected attempts to convert me to Catholisism, and laughed at numerous people who thought my angel and i were... hehe... brother and sister (omg that was funny), I began to question whether or not my angel and I were right for each other...

I had to ask myself could i deal with her mood swings... one second shes playful and caring (though she doenst show it) and the next, shes... violently angry, silent... completly not caring... almost like she wants me dead.

KoS says its all a phase some teenagers go through... I'm goingto have to assume he's right... to assume otherwise means that she wants me dead and that she really doesnt care for me like i do for her.

Other than my doubts...

boston is no longer in my hands...

t-shirts are coming along well...

band is going well....

my parents are being stubborn... as are some of my "friends"

back to vicki...

Sometimes I think we're really going well. She wants me to meet her grandparents... even though i know the fact that I'm not catholic might come up.. ( have to hide it as well as I can)... She has subtly hinted that marriage might be in our future... not that im going to even start to think about it... but the fact that she might want to get married to me even though shes said repeatedly she doesnt want to get married is pretty convincing...

And other times... well I can't post most of what she says on the internet. Most of it involves my death, and I am praying its all a joke or a phase shes going through. She claims to have gone past the point of inflicting pain upon herself and into a new stage of depression... simply not caring. She says she doubts she'll live until the age of 30... and I'm worried because i don't know if its a joke or if shes serious... i really could not stand to lose her in that manner... hell in any manner...

But... KoS has assured me its all a phase shes going through... and I must pray its true... to assume otherwise is to risk madness and loss of love forever... and I do love her... I love her in a good mood... her bad mood scares the shit outta me... but I can handle it... I think... I hope... anyways... thats all for now. later

shower completed... I have returned to write some more...

It's really weird, Vicki and I... she likes to bite... I don't mind lol. And we're like in each others heads... We say things at the same time... and it happens a lot... like 5 times today, and 10 at least yesterday... I now have a collection of 3 fingernail marks and 2 bite marks on my arms...

I have no regrets... and I don't think I will. Vicki is everything I want in a girlfriend... strong... caring (Even though she rarely talks about it)... and biting :D. But most of all... I love her. I don't think I've loved anyone else so much as I love her... well maybe Freya... Anyways...

I wish we could do what we did last night every night for the rest of our lives... We sat together, my head on her lap, or her head on my thigh or various other combinations (shaddup steve... i know what ur thinking and we didn't do anything) and we just held each other, or stroked the others hair, or arm through the night till we fell asleep. She tried to tickle me sometimes and others we just sat together... and I loved it all... I love her... I think of all that I've gone throguh for her... chruch (yes I really really REALLY hate church... almost as much as she does)... torment by several of my friends... hell most of my so-called "friends"... both our breakups... years apart (even though that was mine fault)... and I realize now that through all the years since we broke up, I have been looking for her... I believe her to be my one. If you look at every other girlfriend I've had (or had a serious interest in) you can see parts of her. Megan has her attitude and spirit... Jessica had her looks and voice (god thats freaky)... bryna... bryna had her heart... nicky is so similar to her its not funny... dorothy... blargh dorothy... i wish i had never done that. Very very bad chapter of my life.

Its the greatest feeling I've ever had, when I'm with her... and it's not something I can describe... You need to experiance for yourself. Life has dealt me my royal flush.... finally. I'm in love.. shes in love ( ithink)... and our parents are okay with it...

About sex though... I'm actually going to leave that up to her... its really not up to me because I don't particularly care one way or the other... or rather I do. I want it... but if she doesn't, then I'm okay with it. It's... yeah... alright.

Anyways... I'm leaving now... ttyl... hopefully later tonight, but if not, 2morrow perhaps. later

sunday alrdy?? wow... anyways... its been an... interesting weekend...

saturday, I promised to help vicki set up for an outdoor mass at her church (for those of you who know her religion... dont ask, long story.) Anyways.... so I got conned sortof into helping... it was worth it, because I got to spend the rest of the day with her after I finished (including the "night" part of the "day".) :D ... damn I love her. Anyways... today she went to mass against her will, and I helped direct traffic, like the good little atheist evolutionist I am... dont ask, another long story. I'm going back to her place in.... 30 minutes about, maybe less... probably should shower before then... smell like sweat...

Its... very hard for me to see her forced into doing something she doesn't want to do and not do anything about it on my part... but then again, I'm used to a lot more... choice in my activities and all. My parents were never that religious, for which I am thankful. Her mom on the other hand... goes every week and forces her to go until shes 18. And the rest of her family... wow. Completely anti-(anything other than practicing catholic.) I don't even know any practicing catholics... well except for the ones I met today doing the traffic, and construction yesterday. So... to avoid possible confrontations involving my death, I must learn to be catholic... wow... huge challenge, considering I'm against a lot of the things catholics are "for".

I am almost hoping she reads this, just so she finds out how much I love her... but I talk 2 much about that... its just that these feelings build up and up and up and eventually they have to c ome out... so they do so here... i really need to tell her but I'm scared she'll think i'm going to fast... anyways... I need a shower... tt2morrow.

Today... I was thinking... and i realized that eventually death will come for me... and for my angel... and that I really don't want it to. Life as an atheist sucks sometimes... but hey. Anyways... I realized it could happen tomorrow... or a year from now... and before one of us goes, I really want her to know how much I love her... so I'm telling her... sometime this weekend... I hope. Christ... I love her so much, I just have to talk about it... and so far I can only talk all about it here, without annoying people by going on for an hour about her....

I really am in love... its the greatest feeling I've ever had... sometimes I have to stop myself from kissing her in public... because... I dunno... I get the feeling she doesn't want me to. I'll ask her about it. The only way to know for sure, is to ask her.

I love her... I really love her... I want to be with her right now... not here writing about it... It seems odd for a teenager to feel this way, I know... but... meh... guess I'm the exception that proves the rule. No matter what rule you attempt to apply to human beings, there is always an exception. Don't know who said that... think it was my english teacher.

Damn my cynical/paranoid/not-trusting anyone side of me... it's a protective mechanism I wish I could turn off with her... I wish i didn't think "well... what if she's decieving me". I don't think she is... and I hope shes not. This feeling... its so good... especially when she kissed me... or when we're together... I feel... complete... If I believed in soul mates, I'd say I found mine... Thats howshe makes me feel.... and how much I hope this lasts forever... even though I know we both must die at some point.

I really don't care about her past... she's done some bad shit... and I don't care... I love her... love conquers all. It overcomes her smoking and the other things shes done... love is indeed a powerful force...

I'm babbling now... I really am in love... damn it.... I want to tell her... but i'm afraid of how she'd react... is it too soon to say i love you... but how will i know when the time comes... i think the time is this weekend... so i'm going to go... and im going to say it...

otherwise today was pretty boring... except for my new dagger... very cool... anyways, later.

to be. Very much, to be. You know how great it feels to be loved.... I'm still dark... but i'm... its hard to explain... I was always a dark person... but I feel... less alone. thats it, less alone.

I have... well... one doubt remaining. Why... if she feels this way... does she not want me going to a university near her college... if she goes away for college... oh well, i'll deal with it when it comes up... in three years at this rate.

So yeah... I'm in a general good mood now. still dark... but no longer alone. Thank you mysterious man who lives in the ceiling and mocks me... you know you're up there.

now i need to learn some catholic prayers.... kill me. no jk

anyways... so yeah... you know i really hope this lasts a long long while... despite her darkness and psychoticness, i love her... and i dont want to leave her... ever... i know a very small percentage of high school relationships last but... i dont want this to end... i love the feeling she gives me... i love her...

anyways... enough about love... ttyl

well... the 7AM visit didn't work too well... we got sidetracked and i got hit with the question "Explain". what does that mean anyways... explain what?? explain why i wrote the story, are the feelings i put in their true or not, what do i want, why do i want what i want... or does she just want tohear the words "I love you." I had 5 minutes to answer said question... so I let it go until we could meet again and I'd have more time... its going to take more than 5 minutes to tell her about this.

we have plans to meet after school thursday... expect my next post that night or the next day from school, whether its good or bad news.

Many people can't understand this... but I really loveher... eternity together? sure. its not even about sex... its really not... i swear it. all i want is her... and her love. My life has been upset for the past few days... 20hours of sleep in five days for example... i started drinking coffee again... my mood is really black, im pissing everyone off at school. My... how do I put this... sex drive has been non-existant. Things which use to cause a strong reaction in me, no longer do. I'm not eating very much... and the sleep that I do have is troubled... i have dreams I don't remember, or if I do they're about her... and her leaving me... and i wake up often. last night i got 6 hours of sleep... uninterrupted... thats a first... and i was still really tired today. She's having such a bad effect on me... I want this over with... not that its something trivial... its just the sooner it happens the better.

If... well I'm going to be honest. If I am not single (ie i have a girlfriend) by the end of the week, I will be shocked and joyous. Well not so much joyous as content. If there is a future between us as a couple at the end of the week, I will be less shocked and less joyous... but still both, nevertheless. I fully expect her to say "sorry robert... we work better as friends... and its always going to work that way." I can't blame her... I'm not much to look at, she's probably embarressed to have ever dated me (considering society bases everything on looks nowadays). But... I will be sadden. It's going to take a long time to get over her... if I ever do.

Lifes about to deal me another card... i need one more for a royal flush... lets hope for that Queen of Hearts. Bloody analogies... anyways... i really hope my angel says yes... and i have other people with me, hoping she does 2. Because, and now I believe this, I am a good person... not good as is goodytwoshoes who are catholics... but good as in a person someone would be proud to have as a boyfriend... I'm not really a... clean person... I have my dark side... hell i am the dark side... but i'm not some fucked up junkie or an alcoholic or a person who abuses women. Drinking? sureI will... smoking? I have no problem with it... I don't but... its like drugs... go ahead, fuck up your life. Sex? Practice it safely... or better yet, find other forms which do not have a risk of pregnancy (you know what i mean). Too many pregnant 16yos out there. I know some... anyways. My opinions are my own... I do not expect others to hit my bar. My point is... a woman could do worse. I won't beat the shit out of you... repress you or anything that I know some men would... I don't get drunk or stoned... well... actually I have gotten drunk, but it was new years. And I do not sleep around... definatly not me. Think of it as my personal code of honor.

Anyways... there are some good reasons, there are a few more, but i'm not quite ready to share them with the world (Even though you've already guessed... and some of you already know... like Freya, who convinced me it was true.)

Well... enough about my angel and my love... im back in the band, running the money, trip to boston, coughtshirtswithoutourbandteacherspermissioncough, and some other things... leaving the fundraising to someone else. Life... don't talk to me about life... anyways...

My life is going to change again come thursday... I'm nervous...but its got to happen sometime and I'd really like to start love now... rather than 7 years or more, as a friend of mine has. If my angel wants me to wait for a bit... sure. If she says no... I don't know what I'll do... I might stay in love with her... or I might not... it really depends... I love her a lot. Like... Love LOVE. Love as in love her so much, I'd do anything for her. Anyways... you know... I actually hope she reads this and sees my words... I've never told her how much she means to me... and I regret it. She has to know... she has to know what she does to me and my feelings towards her... because... yeah, she has a right to know. Anyways... I'm off to bed, though I won't sleep for another 2 hours or so... ttyl, on thursday... or tomorrow if something bad happens tomorrow (or something good... but that happens rarely). later all.

Wow... I seem to like doing these. Anyways, good morning all. I have... well I guess some news to report. First of all, my angel called me at 10:30 tonight, and we talked for an hour. Not about that but about random stuff, like we usually do. It gives me a little bit of hope... if only I was less cynical. I have a sneaking suspicion shes trying to soften me up for something... but that could be cynicism talking.I'm going to her house for 7AM 2morrow... maybe I won't go to bed tonight... or maybe I will... we'll see. I need more coffee if im not goingto bed tonight... plus I have school tomorrow. Oh well. Anyways... I have moderatly good vibes from this... and some bad ones also... not quite certain why bad ones.,.. could just be nervousness... in anycase... tomorrow, at school, i will be a radically different person... if all goes well... well... i guess she could say no, and technically all hasn't gone well, but you know. mon estie... I can't see my angel coming right out and saying "robert... i love you". I really can't. Or anything close to that. But... if she hated me so much... why spend nights together with me... even if we're close friends... its a little bit odd... but maybe its what she always does. Anyways... I love her... its not ending for me, at least not for a long long while. Bloody black heart upon my chest. Anyways... I'm getting a headache... time for more coffee... in a bit. Tomorrow, I'm probably going to get really pissed at dave... my band director. Hes not letting this good bass player, been with us for a year and a half, play the bass... instead he puts some new kid in her place. Comeon... thats pushing it. I dunno... dave seems to be getting more and more senile over the years. Hopefully he'll snap out of it one of these days. Oh... I might drop off the face of the earth, with no warning sometime... i can't say why, its a personal matter. Just thought y'all should be awares of my movements. I'm... not in such a good mood right now... life seems to be catching up to me... i finally picked up a job application form but... there are several things i couldnt do with a job and im waiting to see how those work out... for example, band... if im not in the band, that changes my times i can work... my angel could want me back, there goes the week end (its not a bad thing... i love her and id love to spend the whole weekend with her... even if its just delivering newspapers.) i have to disappear off the face of the earth sometime... definatly not applying until after that happens. Anyways... I'm sure you're tired of hearing me bitch and complain about the bad things in life, so on with the good.

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... im a good student... there. Apparently I'm a good writer and a good singer also. And I think i'm a fairly damn good bowler as well, but thats just me. See... I'm good at stuff, but I stilld on't have what i want... need... love... three out of three is way better than "aint bad" isnt it ?? :P @ dark nova, you know what im talking about. Except when she could be 2 out of three... oh well... life sucks need to learn how to make lemonade at one point. I'm just babbling away until my laundries done, then im going upstairs, maybe make some coffee, maybe go to bed AFTER setting my alarm clock. I am NOT missing tomorrow... despite that it might be bad, it might be good also... so

yeah

life goes on... or in the words of Dark Nova

Lifes a bitch, and then you die, so fuck it all, and lets get high

typical words... he follows them 2 much... thinks lifes a game... oh well, his problems not mine... my problems are quite enough... and even then, im helping a few people with theirs... but i really dont mind. i do it because i love them and i care enough about them to want to help them. Dark nova... hes pissing me off as of late. screw him... anyways, enough for now... ttylall

Wow... its been about 12hours since my last post, and I still haven't called her... well i'm doing that in less than an hour, so... yeah. I'm really nervous about what shes going to say and all. And daren... if you're reading this... blargh you. (dunno... that just came out). Um... yeah... so... wish me luck, cause I have a feeling today my life is going to change radically... and its up to her whether its for better or for worse. Probably be posting tomorrow, tell y'all how it went... not that anyone reads this, other than nicky. Later all.

sorry... its later at night... actually no, its early the next morning now. Good morning to y'all. Anyways.... I'm writing this one to bitch about things which piss me off.

Lets start with me... I have phonephobia. I'm scared of calling people on the phone. I don't even know why... it just happens. When I need to make a phone call, I get all nervous and wound up and find other things to do, so that other people will make the phone call. It's really weird.

Now you're wondering how all this came up. Well... If you read the previous blog, you'll know that I screwed things up with my angel (her nickname when i write about her without using her name... if you really want an explanation, go read the poem titled "Angel" on my website... the links to your right.) Anways... oh yeah... she calls while im out (and i dont even find out about it till midnight... and she wants me to call back... and i am now getting the telephone jitters mixed with a feeling of immense dread. I'm pretty certain what she'll say... the conversation goes a little bit like this...

Angel: Hey

Me: Hey

Angel: Dude... I understand you feel this way... but its just not the way I feel.

and the conversation proceeds from there. Now... I'm... how do I put this... not wanting to do this over the phone... I want to do it in person... and I want to see her eyes... I'm sortof mad at her, I can't stay mad at her but... im sortof mad

'Cause she's lied... well maybe. She's either lying about the whole crack thing and not loving me... or shes lying about caring for me and all the nice things shes said about me. Estie... lies eventually catch up to you, don't they. I'm in a little bit of a huff over that, but it will pass....

I don't know what to think anymore... I love her so much.... but can I let her go... I'm suppose to be able to, if I love her that much, but sometimes the lonliness is really bad and I just wish she was here, holding me. Somehow the world seems brighter when we're together. Its sad really... I'm in love with her, and don't know how she feels. Now... what would be funny... is if shes in love with me, but isnt telling cause she doesnt know how i feel. Bam... great idea for a soap opera. I hope I find it within me to call her... and to talk with her in person about this... because I really really want her back. Life is so... so... meaningless and empty without her to share it with. Sex... bah... sex is almost gone from my brain. It's not really important to me anymore. If sex happens, it happens. Sure, I'm sure its great fun, but its not as important as having someone you love. Love can conquer anything... I still believe that, despite what some people have gone through... Freya and Dark Nova jump to mind, though there are others that I could quote... me and... well... you know who i'm talking about, if you're a friend of mine. Person I dated from mid-March till... must have been mid-May or somewheres around there. Tragic... really tragic. Anyways... yeah... I've written enough... maybe I'll write some more tomorrow. Later people.

Blahargh... I hit the wrong button, estie. I spent an hour doing a blog today, and it got deleted... oh well... no more. In the past four days, in which I'm sure y'all have missed me terribly, life has taken... a turn for the worst I'd say, but c'est la vie.

Wendsday
Boring day... I helped my band director do his interviews with parents, played a bit of music and was, generally, in a good for me.

Thursday
I went over to my ex's. Now... its weird... because shes my ex, but I really really want her back. If you believe in love, you could say I love her. So I went to help her with her math homework, which im good with and shes.... good, but the questions can throw her off. Anyways... after her homework, I started doing other homework I had, Physics and my Math, then i started to edit my story. My story is about two people who are deeply in love... then she is violently murdered in his arms... and the story goes on from there (i won't ruin the ending for people who haven't read it). I... wrote it while I was in a depressed phase over summer vac depressed over her, to be more specific. She brings out the best in me... but also can bring out the worst. The woman in the story is based on her, and the guy is based on me (the murderer is based on no one). So... when she asked me to see it, I had to say no. Because... in her mind, its over between us, and yeah. I'm not the type to try and change a girls mind... especially after two failures. So I wouldn't let her say it... then i said it was because I didn't trust her... I have no clue why I said it, because its not true. I'd trust her with my life. Its just... I want to show her it, but I also don't want to, both sides have good reasons. She got pissed... like the pissed I have ever seen her. It was a silent angry thing, which, to me, is more frightnening than the really angry yelling. I had to leave... and had no chance to apologize. I probably should have called... but I wanted her to have some time to think

Friday was another boring day... nothing really big happened

Saturday rolls around (today) and I go to bowling, which I do with her, and she sortof gives me the cold shoulder sometimes, and, at others, laughs and talks to me. Then... she says, in reply to someone asking why she dated me "I dunno... maybe I was on crack. It was a mistake." And I was... heartbroken I guess is the right word. See.. I've been thinking for the last few days, from her actions, that she really likes me... and then she comes out with this... after telling me how much she cares about me, how much she likes being with me... how good a writer I am. So I... actually I was hoping I could go to her house and give her a proper apology and explanation, followed by me giving her the story... but no such luck. I quickly wrote a brief apology and told her to read the story, and she would understand my points of view hopefully. I tucked it into her jacket... and left. Go ahead, call me a chicken, but thats what I did, not wanting to cause a scene in front of her friends. And now... I wait. I wait until she calls or until next weekend. Then... we have to talk about it. Can't put it off forever, though I'd like to try. I'm really mad in case you can't tell. I mean, comeon. The girl you're madly in love with, ex-gf, says she thinks she was on crack when she said yes. You're going to be really pissed. But I... I'm not so pissed. I'm incapable of staying pissed at her... because I love her. It's like Freya... I can't stay mad at her either, for generally the same reason. Anyways... I stuck my foot in my mouth, and I can only hope shes not 2 pissed at me. Now... it's 11:24PM and im gonna read and write and then im off 2 bed. Hopefully I will get a phone call, accepting my apology tomorrow... and if not... well... shit happens.

While I am an expert HTMLer (to coin a term), I have found recently that I lack the time to update a website everyday with information about my day. So... let's get blogging.

Today... well... today was uneventful. I got my bus pass. Bus passes can be useful things. They let you go places. I sound like an utter dumbass saying that, but theres nothing else to say about bus passes.

Other than today... well I can't really say that much. I can try to, for those of you who don't know me well, describe me and my life, but we'd be here forever and you may not understand anyways... but I'll give it a shot.

From my point of view, my life is an endless series of misunderstandings, mistakes, me getting shafted and me getting my heart broken. Oh... there have been a few good things which happened in my life.... and I still take some joy in some things... like music... food... writing my poetry... talking with my friends... some sports (very few)... but my greatest joy that I have is with one of my friends. We lie on the couch in each others arms... saying nothing, doing nothing... just being together. I have to say that it's quite possibly one of the best experiances of my life... and I hope it is for her as well. Anyways... that shows me pretty well I think, but for those of you who are less well-versed in subtly, I'm a fairly... romantic person, except I don't seem like one. You look at me and some people see a goth (Which I don't claim to be... I just like wearing black... it fits my mood often... way too often) and others see a nerd or an overweight guy who looks sad and lonely, but also violent and not wanting to talk to you. Hey... I don't claim to be open... I'm a shy person. Go ahead and laugh, but it's true. Anyways... I'm a sad, lonely person, it's true. Anyone whos read my poetry knows its true. Oh... theres hope... but I'm still sad. The times with my friend who I mentioned above (I won't give out her name... I don't like doing that to people w/o their permisson) make me feel... wanted I guess. Usually I don't get that feeling... maybe I need to try harder. Anyways... I smell food, so I'm gonna go... later.