Sunday, September 14, 2003
Darkness... we are way beyond darkness
sorry... its later at night... actually no, its early the next morning now. Good morning to y'all. Anyways.... I'm writing this one to bitch about things which piss me off.
Lets start with me... I have phonephobia. I'm scared of calling people on the phone. I don't even know why... it just happens. When I need to make a phone call, I get all nervous and wound up and find other things to do, so that other people will make the phone call. It's really weird.
Now you're wondering how all this came up. Well... If you read the previous blog, you'll know that I screwed things up with my angel (her nickname when i write about her without using her name... if you really want an explanation, go read the poem titled "Angel" on my website... the links to your right.) Anways... oh yeah... she calls while im out (and i dont even find out about it till midnight... and she wants me to call back... and i am now getting the telephone jitters mixed with a feeling of immense dread. I'm pretty certain what she'll say... the conversation goes a little bit like this...
Angel: Hey
Me: Hey
Angel: Dude... I understand you feel this way... but its just not the way I feel.
and the conversation proceeds from there. Now... I'm... how do I put this... not wanting to do this over the phone... I want to do it in person... and I want to see her eyes... I'm sortof mad at her, I can't stay mad at her but... im sortof mad
'Cause she's lied... well maybe. She's either lying about the whole crack thing and not loving me... or shes lying about caring for me and all the nice things shes said about me. Estie... lies eventually catch up to you, don't they. I'm in a little bit of a huff over that, but it will pass....
I don't know what to think anymore... I love her so much.... but can I let her go... I'm suppose to be able to, if I love her that much, but sometimes the lonliness is really bad and I just wish she was here, holding me. Somehow the world seems brighter when we're together. Its sad really... I'm in love with her, and don't know how she feels. Now... what would be funny... is if shes in love with me, but isnt telling cause she doesnt know how i feel. Bam... great idea for a soap opera. I hope I find it within me to call her... and to talk with her in person about this... because I really really want her back. Life is so... so... meaningless and empty without her to share it with. Sex... bah... sex is almost gone from my brain. It's not really important to me anymore. If sex happens, it happens. Sure, I'm sure its great fun, but its not as important as having someone you love. Love can conquer anything... I still believe that, despite what some people have gone through... Freya and Dark Nova jump to mind, though there are others that I could quote... me and... well... you know who i'm talking about, if you're a friend of mine. Person I dated from mid-March till... must have been mid-May or somewheres around there. Tragic... really tragic. Anyways... yeah... I've written enough... maybe I'll write some more tomorrow. Later people.
Lets start with me... I have phonephobia. I'm scared of calling people on the phone. I don't even know why... it just happens. When I need to make a phone call, I get all nervous and wound up and find other things to do, so that other people will make the phone call. It's really weird.
Now you're wondering how all this came up. Well... If you read the previous blog, you'll know that I screwed things up with my angel (her nickname when i write about her without using her name... if you really want an explanation, go read the poem titled "Angel" on my website... the links to your right.) Anways... oh yeah... she calls while im out (and i dont even find out about it till midnight... and she wants me to call back... and i am now getting the telephone jitters mixed with a feeling of immense dread. I'm pretty certain what she'll say... the conversation goes a little bit like this...
Angel: Hey
Me: Hey
Angel: Dude... I understand you feel this way... but its just not the way I feel.
and the conversation proceeds from there. Now... I'm... how do I put this... not wanting to do this over the phone... I want to do it in person... and I want to see her eyes... I'm sortof mad at her, I can't stay mad at her but... im sortof mad
'Cause she's lied... well maybe. She's either lying about the whole crack thing and not loving me... or shes lying about caring for me and all the nice things shes said about me. Estie... lies eventually catch up to you, don't they. I'm in a little bit of a huff over that, but it will pass....
I don't know what to think anymore... I love her so much.... but can I let her go... I'm suppose to be able to, if I love her that much, but sometimes the lonliness is really bad and I just wish she was here, holding me. Somehow the world seems brighter when we're together. Its sad really... I'm in love with her, and don't know how she feels. Now... what would be funny... is if shes in love with me, but isnt telling cause she doesnt know how i feel. Bam... great idea for a soap opera. I hope I find it within me to call her... and to talk with her in person about this... because I really really want her back. Life is so... so... meaningless and empty without her to share it with. Sex... bah... sex is almost gone from my brain. It's not really important to me anymore. If sex happens, it happens. Sure, I'm sure its great fun, but its not as important as having someone you love. Love can conquer anything... I still believe that, despite what some people have gone through... Freya and Dark Nova jump to mind, though there are others that I could quote... me and... well... you know who i'm talking about, if you're a friend of mine. Person I dated from mid-March till... must have been mid-May or somewheres around there. Tragic... really tragic. Anyways... yeah... I've written enough... maybe I'll write some more tomorrow. Later people.
// posted by Dep @ 12:42:00 a.m.
