Saturday, September 13, 2003
Blahargh... I hit the wrong button, estie. I spent an hour doing a blog today, and it got deleted... oh well... no more. In the past four days, in which I'm sure y'all have missed me terribly, life has taken... a turn for the worst I'd say, but c'est la vie.
Wendsday
Boring day... I helped my band director do his interviews with parents, played a bit of music and was, generally, in a good for me.
Thursday
I went over to my ex's. Now... its weird... because shes my ex, but I really really want her back. If you believe in love, you could say I love her. So I went to help her with her math homework, which im good with and shes.... good, but the questions can throw her off. Anyways... after her homework, I started doing other homework I had, Physics and my Math, then i started to edit my story. My story is about two people who are deeply in love... then she is violently murdered in his arms... and the story goes on from there (i won't ruin the ending for people who haven't read it). I... wrote it while I was in a depressed phase over summer vac depressed over her, to be more specific. She brings out the best in me... but also can bring out the worst. The woman in the story is based on her, and the guy is based on me (the murderer is based on no one). So... when she asked me to see it, I had to say no. Because... in her mind, its over between us, and yeah. I'm not the type to try and change a girls mind... especially after two failures. So I wouldn't let her say it... then i said it was because I didn't trust her... I have no clue why I said it, because its not true. I'd trust her with my life. Its just... I want to show her it, but I also don't want to, both sides have good reasons. She got pissed... like the pissed I have ever seen her. It was a silent angry thing, which, to me, is more frightnening than the really angry yelling. I had to leave... and had no chance to apologize. I probably should have called... but I wanted her to have some time to think
Friday was another boring day... nothing really big happened
Saturday rolls around (today) and I go to bowling, which I do with her, and she sortof gives me the cold shoulder sometimes, and, at others, laughs and talks to me. Then... she says, in reply to someone asking why she dated me "I dunno... maybe I was on crack. It was a mistake." And I was... heartbroken I guess is the right word. See.. I've been thinking for the last few days, from her actions, that she really likes me... and then she comes out with this... after telling me how much she cares about me, how much she likes being with me... how good a writer I am. So I... actually I was hoping I could go to her house and give her a proper apology and explanation, followed by me giving her the story... but no such luck. I quickly wrote a brief apology and told her to read the story, and she would understand my points of view hopefully. I tucked it into her jacket... and left. Go ahead, call me a chicken, but thats what I did, not wanting to cause a scene in front of her friends. And now... I wait. I wait until she calls or until next weekend. Then... we have to talk about it. Can't put it off forever, though I'd like to try. I'm really mad in case you can't tell. I mean, comeon. The girl you're madly in love with, ex-gf, says she thinks she was on crack when she said yes. You're going to be really pissed. But I... I'm not so pissed. I'm incapable of staying pissed at her... because I love her. It's like Freya... I can't stay mad at her either, for generally the same reason. Anyways... I stuck my foot in my mouth, and I can only hope shes not 2 pissed at me. Now... it's 11:24PM and im gonna read and write and then im off 2 bed. Hopefully I will get a phone call, accepting my apology tomorrow... and if not... well... shit happens.
Wendsday
Boring day... I helped my band director do his interviews with parents, played a bit of music and was, generally, in a good for me.
Thursday
I went over to my ex's. Now... its weird... because shes my ex, but I really really want her back. If you believe in love, you could say I love her. So I went to help her with her math homework, which im good with and shes.... good, but the questions can throw her off. Anyways... after her homework, I started doing other homework I had, Physics and my Math, then i started to edit my story. My story is about two people who are deeply in love... then she is violently murdered in his arms... and the story goes on from there (i won't ruin the ending for people who haven't read it). I... wrote it while I was in a depressed phase over summer vac depressed over her, to be more specific. She brings out the best in me... but also can bring out the worst. The woman in the story is based on her, and the guy is based on me (the murderer is based on no one). So... when she asked me to see it, I had to say no. Because... in her mind, its over between us, and yeah. I'm not the type to try and change a girls mind... especially after two failures. So I wouldn't let her say it... then i said it was because I didn't trust her... I have no clue why I said it, because its not true. I'd trust her with my life. Its just... I want to show her it, but I also don't want to, both sides have good reasons. She got pissed... like the pissed I have ever seen her. It was a silent angry thing, which, to me, is more frightnening than the really angry yelling. I had to leave... and had no chance to apologize. I probably should have called... but I wanted her to have some time to think
Friday was another boring day... nothing really big happened
Saturday rolls around (today) and I go to bowling, which I do with her, and she sortof gives me the cold shoulder sometimes, and, at others, laughs and talks to me. Then... she says, in reply to someone asking why she dated me "I dunno... maybe I was on crack. It was a mistake." And I was... heartbroken I guess is the right word. See.. I've been thinking for the last few days, from her actions, that she really likes me... and then she comes out with this... after telling me how much she cares about me, how much she likes being with me... how good a writer I am. So I... actually I was hoping I could go to her house and give her a proper apology and explanation, followed by me giving her the story... but no such luck. I quickly wrote a brief apology and told her to read the story, and she would understand my points of view hopefully. I tucked it into her jacket... and left. Go ahead, call me a chicken, but thats what I did, not wanting to cause a scene in front of her friends. And now... I wait. I wait until she calls or until next weekend. Then... we have to talk about it. Can't put it off forever, though I'd like to try. I'm really mad in case you can't tell. I mean, comeon. The girl you're madly in love with, ex-gf, says she thinks she was on crack when she said yes. You're going to be really pissed. But I... I'm not so pissed. I'm incapable of staying pissed at her... because I love her. It's like Freya... I can't stay mad at her either, for generally the same reason. Anyways... I stuck my foot in my mouth, and I can only hope shes not 2 pissed at me. Now... it's 11:24PM and im gonna read and write and then im off 2 bed. Hopefully I will get a phone call, accepting my apology tomorrow... and if not... well... shit happens.
// posted by Dep @ 11:32:00 p.m.
