Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

well... the 7AM visit didn't work too well... we got sidetracked and i got hit with the question "Explain". what does that mean anyways... explain what?? explain why i wrote the story, are the feelings i put in their true or not, what do i want, why do i want what i want... or does she just want tohear the words "I love you." I had 5 minutes to answer said question... so I let it go until we could meet again and I'd have more time... its going to take more than 5 minutes to tell her about this.

we have plans to meet after school thursday... expect my next post that night or the next day from school, whether its good or bad news.

Many people can't understand this... but I really loveher... eternity together? sure. its not even about sex... its really not... i swear it. all i want is her... and her love. My life has been upset for the past few days... 20hours of sleep in five days for example... i started drinking coffee again... my mood is really black, im pissing everyone off at school. My... how do I put this... sex drive has been non-existant. Things which use to cause a strong reaction in me, no longer do. I'm not eating very much... and the sleep that I do have is troubled... i have dreams I don't remember, or if I do they're about her... and her leaving me... and i wake up often. last night i got 6 hours of sleep... uninterrupted... thats a first... and i was still really tired today. She's having such a bad effect on me... I want this over with... not that its something trivial... its just the sooner it happens the better.

If... well I'm going to be honest. If I am not single (ie i have a girlfriend) by the end of the week, I will be shocked and joyous. Well not so much joyous as content. If there is a future between us as a couple at the end of the week, I will be less shocked and less joyous... but still both, nevertheless. I fully expect her to say "sorry robert... we work better as friends... and its always going to work that way." I can't blame her... I'm not much to look at, she's probably embarressed to have ever dated me (considering society bases everything on looks nowadays). But... I will be sadden. It's going to take a long time to get over her... if I ever do.

Lifes about to deal me another card... i need one more for a royal flush... lets hope for that Queen of Hearts. Bloody analogies... anyways... i really hope my angel says yes... and i have other people with me, hoping she does 2. Because, and now I believe this, I am a good person... not good as is goodytwoshoes who are catholics... but good as in a person someone would be proud to have as a boyfriend... I'm not really a... clean person... I have my dark side... hell i am the dark side... but i'm not some fucked up junkie or an alcoholic or a person who abuses women. Drinking? sureI will... smoking? I have no problem with it... I don't but... its like drugs... go ahead, fuck up your life. Sex? Practice it safely... or better yet, find other forms which do not have a risk of pregnancy (you know what i mean). Too many pregnant 16yos out there. I know some... anyways. My opinions are my own... I do not expect others to hit my bar. My point is... a woman could do worse. I won't beat the shit out of you... repress you or anything that I know some men would... I don't get drunk or stoned... well... actually I have gotten drunk, but it was new years. And I do not sleep around... definatly not me. Think of it as my personal code of honor.

Anyways... there are some good reasons, there are a few more, but i'm not quite ready to share them with the world (Even though you've already guessed... and some of you already know... like Freya, who convinced me it was true.)

Well... enough about my angel and my love... im back in the band, running the money, trip to boston, coughtshirtswithoutourbandteacherspermissioncough, and some other things... leaving the fundraising to someone else. Life... don't talk to me about life... anyways...

My life is going to change again come thursday... I'm nervous...but its got to happen sometime and I'd really like to start love now... rather than 7 years or more, as a friend of mine has. If my angel wants me to wait for a bit... sure. If she says no... I don't know what I'll do... I might stay in love with her... or I might not... it really depends... I love her a lot. Like... Love LOVE. Love as in love her so much, I'd do anything for her. Anyways... you know... I actually hope she reads this and sees my words... I've never told her how much she means to me... and I regret it. She has to know... she has to know what she does to me and my feelings towards her... because... yeah, she has a right to know. Anyways... I'm off to bed, though I won't sleep for another 2 hours or so... ttyl, on thursday... or tomorrow if something bad happens tomorrow (or something good... but that happens rarely). later all.