Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

Well I certainly managed to stick my foot in my mouth... whoops. Sometimes, when I'm in a bad mood, or not even bad, just worried, I say things I don't always mean... guess my angels right and I have to think before I speak... anyways, freya I'm sorry for what I said earlier today before I left... that came out wrong...

I came here because I have to say something and I don't know what it is or who I can talk to... no one is online that i trust except for my angel... and this is about her, and I don't know if I want her to know yet...

I need to talk to her... I know that... I have a sneaking suspicion we're very similar people in that neither one of us wants to take charge of our relationship...

Basically my point of view on this is that when she's ready, I'm ready... I really don't want to force her into doing something... or for her to feel pressured into doing something that she doesn't before. In our first relationship I did something I'm not proud of, and regret... I took advantage of her... made her give something and recieve nothing in return... fortunatly she does not remember it, because I am a different person now... that experiance helped me to change into who I am now and even though I regret it, I know it had one positive effect at least. I don't want to push her because I'm afraid I'll become like... steve (for freya and KoS steve is much like jay). I'm afraid of going too far because I might lose her... or I might turn into what I've always feared becoming... an asshole like steve. Its not that I don't want it... she's weird but in a way i'm okay with... its... yeah, you get the idea. Why can't I even say I love her... I think its because I'm afraid of rejection... as I've said before, it's happened before... but I doubt she will... not if she spoke the truth to me. Of course, she should do whats in her heart... a week ago, I questioned my power to let go... I know now I have it. "The best way to know if someone loves you is to let go. If they return, they are yours." I will let her go if she wishes it... I won't be happy with it... but she should be happy. Anyways, rejections a part of it... but theres also me questioning myself as to do I really love her... or am I merely desperate? Is it that I've been so unlucky in my love life that when my angel and I started being together as friends (I interpreted it as more than friends but...) that I have latched on to her just for the feeling it gives me? And is this feeling love? If it is, then I'm in love... if its only... I don't know, companionship or something... then am I really in love or do I merely think I am? I think I am... but... self-introspection is hard. When I was dating dorothy, I thought I was in love... a month after we started, I learned I was completely wrong. (In a New York Minute, eh Freya?). i'm fairly certain its love... but I never claimed to be perfect. The other problem is that I could be mistaking my feelings for someone else as feelings for her. It's a possibility, though I think its unlikly, as I have... well I described what we do together and how it makes me feel in a previous entry.

I'm going to have to leave sex up to her... I can't bring myself to ask her... I'm afraid I'll turn into steve... abandon my honor in other words... and I'm afraid she'll think I'm a perv... I'm not a perv, she has to believe that. Read my musing on sex (go to my website --> musings) and you might understand what sex is for me. I can understand her not wanting any... or wanting it all... or wanting... (hmm how do i describe this?)... I'm trying to avoid "rude words" but failing... wanting some i guess? (wanting a way to get the pleasure without the risk of pregnancy i guess... you figure it out now). I'm okay with anyof them... I'm not with her for the sex... I'm there for the feeling... and I'm there for her.

I can see the pain in her eyes... I really hope she can trust me one day enough to tell me it all... like I trust her now... there is nothing that if she asked I would not tell her the truth now. I love her... and I care for her... and I trust her.

Ah! The biting thing. Well... there are many theories on that going around among the three people I talked to about it (dark nova, freya and... well thats it i think... or did i talk about it with KoS?? i dont remember... anyways)... Dark Nova... being dark nova... thinks it means shes horney... hehe... hes such a sick minded person... but I can't disregard it... its actually a pretty good idea he had. Freya... i dunno... I don't remember what she told me... or what KoS told me... I have my own theories of course (like the good scientist I am)... one is dark novas... the others... its her way of showing she loves/cares... not too sure about that one... or its like love bites. Either way is great for me... I have no problem with biting. I have problems with very few things actually... anyways... on to a slightly different topic. I'll learn what it means one of these days... I hope sooner than later but... I know that trust will come slowly to her... like it does for me. There are 4 people in this world I'd tell everything to if they asked... (except maybe a few of the stupid foolish things I did as a kid... but most of those I would anyways) and you know who you are... Kos... freya... my angel... and Dark Nova... Scrabble gets some of it but... dont trust her with it all yet. It will come with time...

I find it odd that Freya and I talk about me and my feelings more than my angel and I do... I guess its because freya is an emotional person, willing to talk about anything... while my angel is more of a silent person... like i am i guess. And I don't really know that my angel won't mock me... even I have to admit that most 16 year olds aren't capable of UNDERSTANDING much less HAVING feelings of love like this... and so the ones that do have them are mocked by most if they talk about it. Freya won't mock me... I know this... I always have. My angel is a different story... she's not really a... person who shows a lot of emotion. She bottles it up and finds ways of expressing it... like through writing (Shes a great writer) or through biting perhaps? (bad joke, sorry)... anyways. I'm just afraid of what she'll say when I tell her I love her and how much I care for her.

Heh... funny story. Theres this utter dumbass in my english class... came up in the middle of discussion and gave, in not so many words, a minute long monologue about how guys dont need women (And basically have no feelings). Omg... I think I might have insulted him 100 times in my reply... I was pissed... if I were my angel, my eyes would have gone red. Guys have no feelings (hah!). I know perfectly well that some guys have feelings... look at me! Would I be here writing this all if it weren't true? Of course its all true... bloody stereotypes. It's guys like him who give the male gender a bad stereotype.

Ooo that pissed me off... but it was funny 2... i was angry and about to burst out in laughter... a most interesting combination. And then he calls our english teacher a pimp... omg omg omg... laughing my ass off. He's almost as bad as this guy from my science class last year... who kept making stupid dumbass remarks about horse fetishes... *shrugs*. The best part was when he fell asleep in class and the teacher whacked him with (depending on his mood) a rolled-up newspaper or a ruler...
hehe...

where was i?

oh yeah..

So... as soon as she recovers from pneumonia, I'm going to go over to her house and tell her all of this... and hopefully she'll understand. I really hope she does... and I think she will... I know that somewhere inside of her is a person who understands what I'm going through.

How do I get her to open up to me though? I don't want to be pushy... or order her around... I want us to be equal... but I want her to trust me. I want to help her out of this abyss shes about to fall into yet... I can't do anything. All I can do is show her and tell her I love her... and hopefully that will be enough. I will be there for her... to comfort her when she needs it... but only if she wants me to...

Anyways... thats enough for tonight... I have to sleep... much as I don't want to...

I will post again 2morrow I hope... later...