Friday, March 31, 2006
Safe Return
I have returned safely from the visitation and the adventures. While I am still in dire need of a shave, all is well. As for my last post, it was the random outpourings of what my mind was thinking about. It probably didn't make sense to anyone, but it was good for me.
The vacation was good for me, I really needed the time off. Now I just need to get back into the swing of things and then see if I cannot rid myself of these thoughts.
Anyways, I'm out for now.
*hugs* Good night one and all.
- Dep
The vacation was good for me, I really needed the time off. Now I just need to get back into the swing of things and then see if I cannot rid myself of these thoughts.
Anyways, I'm out for now.
*hugs* Good night one and all.
- Dep
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Gaining On Me
I feel a darkness... not a painful darkness, but a calm and deep darkness, gaining upon my soul. With every song, every thought it builds in silent fury...
And now... the piano...
Despite having seen only nineteen winters pass, I feel as though it has been so many more. The lines on my hands that I did not notice before... a calmer acceptance of things.
And the old pictures on the shelves and in my brain are haunting... oh so haunting. This is the moment, that clear moment where I can see the mistakes... the flaws... the stupidity. The pain that has burned the souls of others away. Writing only takes it away and so while the explanations may begin, you may find that they have no end as the clearness fades.
Perhaps this is why human beings must die.
And I came to meet you, to tell you I'm sorry. To take this all back to the start. There was so much in between, too many secrets, too many questions... and then we let it fade so far away... and I can't believe it... that all this is over... can't we go back to the start... mind going in circles, trying to find the way out... but only spiraling down and out.
Left in the room next door... not believing, nor should you. And now the memories are haunting, the mental pictures and reminders overwhelming. I'm a liar and what's worse, there's no forgiveness for myself... my own Judas.
Back to the start....
You can't force love, no matter what you feel. Feelings overwhelming, losing that bit of truth. And where our understanding fails, the paranoia begins. Never to revert, this is the new beginning...
I see your head beside the pillow. Sunlight streams through the open window. It touches your skin... so light, so delicate. The perfect moment in time, wish it could be frozen forever. Spring calls through that open window... fingers running down your smooth face. Never tell me of another perfection, I've found it all in here. Warmth beside mine, entangled and enraptured. No, speak not of another perfection.
Spaghetti dinner...
Arctic sonnets...
Long walks into the setting sun...
And, in the endings, all there is is overwhelming and you seek the darkness of time. For nothing fades in the human heart and all that remains is sorrow in this modern Judas.
Perhaps this is why human beings must die.
Take it back to the start... begin again...
And all that remains inside is tears for the love let go, the love betrayed and the lives in the balance...
And now... the piano...
Despite having seen only nineteen winters pass, I feel as though it has been so many more. The lines on my hands that I did not notice before... a calmer acceptance of things.
And the old pictures on the shelves and in my brain are haunting... oh so haunting. This is the moment, that clear moment where I can see the mistakes... the flaws... the stupidity. The pain that has burned the souls of others away. Writing only takes it away and so while the explanations may begin, you may find that they have no end as the clearness fades.
Perhaps this is why human beings must die.
And I came to meet you, to tell you I'm sorry. To take this all back to the start. There was so much in between, too many secrets, too many questions... and then we let it fade so far away... and I can't believe it... that all this is over... can't we go back to the start... mind going in circles, trying to find the way out... but only spiraling down and out.
Left in the room next door... not believing, nor should you. And now the memories are haunting, the mental pictures and reminders overwhelming. I'm a liar and what's worse, there's no forgiveness for myself... my own Judas.
Back to the start....
You can't force love, no matter what you feel. Feelings overwhelming, losing that bit of truth. And where our understanding fails, the paranoia begins. Never to revert, this is the new beginning...
I see your head beside the pillow. Sunlight streams through the open window. It touches your skin... so light, so delicate. The perfect moment in time, wish it could be frozen forever. Spring calls through that open window... fingers running down your smooth face. Never tell me of another perfection, I've found it all in here. Warmth beside mine, entangled and enraptured. No, speak not of another perfection.
Spaghetti dinner...
Arctic sonnets...
Long walks into the setting sun...
And, in the endings, all there is is overwhelming and you seek the darkness of time. For nothing fades in the human heart and all that remains is sorrow in this modern Judas.
Perhaps this is why human beings must die.
Take it back to the start... begin again...
And all that remains inside is tears for the love let go, the love betrayed and the lives in the balance...
Monday, March 27, 2006
V... FOR VENDETTA
Yes... I saw it at the urging of Ashley and Lisa... and it was awesome. I wish to see it again... and I wish to own it.
You must see it, if you haven't already. And even if you have already... see it again.
It just says so much about government, society, control... everything. It's beautifully done, beautiful... I won't say anything more because I don't want to ruin it, but go see it. Really. It might change your life.
------------------------------
You know, I say this a lot... that there's a lot on my mind. And there is - there's romantic items about people (dreams... thoughts... impossibilities), there's thoughts about the whole thing with Nicky (who is no longer deserving of the nickname 'Freya' in my opinion - 'Freya' is dead), there's the movie and the thoughts of society/oppression, thoughts of school, thoughts of people, thoughts about life in general... I'd need days and days to just exhaust myself of all of these thoughts, probably because some have been building up for so long without release... and that always leads to this feeling. But no... while ranting about Freya is good and the thoughts on all the other things are good... the thoughts on romance (which are probably the ones most forward on my mind at the moment) are not getting out of my brain, 'lest they return to the people in question and it ruins friendships or makes things awkward or something.
I was thinking earlier today about how friendship, in my opinion, is an important step on the road to entering into a relationship... part of the getting to know you stage. And then I realized how much harder that makes it to tell people you like them, because you want to remain friends anyways, even if it doesn't work out, and you're so worried that it could fuck things up, that they're not interested, that it'll make things awkward. Its bad enough just fearing that they'll say no, worrying about losing the friendship just adds to that.
Yeah... too much romance on my mind...
Damnable likable people who live too far away *shakes fist in their general direction*
I miss people back home too.
So yes... the movie.
Government has a purpose. I'm not a complete anarchist. Its purpose is to guide, to defend the safety/rights of people and to represent the people. America, as it was originally founded, was a good idea. 'Those who have the ability to take action have the responsibility to take action'. But over time, that vision has been lost. America has failed, if you wish - they have become as repressive as the British of the time. The so-called 'freedom' and 'rights' they defend are the freedom and right to discriminate and hate. Freedom has a line in society. While you may be free, as a person, in your head to dislike people based on race, color, sexual identity or whatever else, a society cannot be discriminatory. Which is where government comes in. The government should ensure that discrimination doesn't exist beyond the very small degree of personal preference (dating, close friends, etc). I actually like paying taxes, or at least the idea of paying taxes, since the government does a lot of things for me (especially as a resident of Quebec). My education fees are far lower than the rest of Canada, which are far lower than the States. Health care, check (waiting times aside). The government looks after the people who can't, it ensures that people's basic needs are met. But the government needs to have limits. V for Vendetta, 1984 and Brave New World are all perfect examples of government taken a step (if not many steps) too far. 'Absolute power corrupts absolutely'. And this extends far beyond dictatorships and corrupted communism. Even democracy can make horrible choices. Take the United States. Because the majority of people voted against gay marriage; because the majority of the people are against homosexuality... does that make them right? Some famous examples are in order.
Once upon a time...
The majority of people believed that four basic elements (Earth, Water, Wind and Fire) constituted all matter.
The majority of people believed the world is flat.
The majority of people believed that black people were meant to be slaves.
The majority of people believed that the sound barrier could not be broken.
So... government does good things, but there is a great potential for evil too, when you give control to people. It is... a balance. And I've been saying that way too often... but its true, everything is a balance in life.
Back to relationships, having just read Eve's journal while in the midst of writing my own.
I really like how she puts it, that most people 'put the act before the person' which, in my own mind, is... fubar. But I'm me. In Daren's words, I am old fashion... from another time were the words he used I believed. And you know what... I love being that way. I really do, with the smiling and the people and the romance. I really love romance. There was another person who was once a friend of mine who described it perfectly. 'Cuddling on a couch in front of a fire is more of a turn-on than anything sexual you could do to me'. Not that the sex isn't fun, but... I don't know. Sex for the sake of sex made no sense to me. And I'm really glad that my first time was with somebody special... somebody I cared and still do care for - even if it might never go into a relationship again. People like Steve used to say 'Man, you should get laid... that girl is cute.' And sure, maybe she's attractive in a plastic, Barbie doll manner. But I'll leave the Barbie Doll's to Steve (he's an ass anyways). Not only is plastic ugly as sin to me, there are no brains behind the Botox.
I suppose the two most attractive things for me, in a woman, is intelligence and romance. Nice eyes and hair are good and an interesting personality is a must (but what an interesting personality is so wide and varied, its indescribable and therefore I can only think about it on a case by case basis). Its a wide variety of people... from artists to goths to even some more preppy people (as long as the pink doesn't overboard). One of the keys is that they are who they are and not trying to be anything else. And if you fit a stereotype perfectly... if thats who you really are... then go with it. I mean, some people have to fit the stereotype in reality lol. But, take me as a good example. I'm a bit goth, a bit punk, a bit nerd, a bit prep, a bit emo, a bit... I'm just me. Its so much simpler that way.... I am nearly everything. People who describe themselves as "I'm me" are the best kind of people. *high fives Ashley, Lisa and a few others*.
Alrighty... I think thats long enough for the evening. I'm gone, for a bit RuneScape and then the sleeping.
*hugs*
- Dep
You must see it, if you haven't already. And even if you have already... see it again.
It just says so much about government, society, control... everything. It's beautifully done, beautiful... I won't say anything more because I don't want to ruin it, but go see it. Really. It might change your life.
------------------------------
You know, I say this a lot... that there's a lot on my mind. And there is - there's romantic items about people (dreams... thoughts... impossibilities), there's thoughts about the whole thing with Nicky (who is no longer deserving of the nickname 'Freya' in my opinion - 'Freya' is dead), there's the movie and the thoughts of society/oppression, thoughts of school, thoughts of people, thoughts about life in general... I'd need days and days to just exhaust myself of all of these thoughts, probably because some have been building up for so long without release... and that always leads to this feeling. But no... while ranting about Freya is good and the thoughts on all the other things are good... the thoughts on romance (which are probably the ones most forward on my mind at the moment) are not getting out of my brain, 'lest they return to the people in question and it ruins friendships or makes things awkward or something.
I was thinking earlier today about how friendship, in my opinion, is an important step on the road to entering into a relationship... part of the getting to know you stage. And then I realized how much harder that makes it to tell people you like them, because you want to remain friends anyways, even if it doesn't work out, and you're so worried that it could fuck things up, that they're not interested, that it'll make things awkward. Its bad enough just fearing that they'll say no, worrying about losing the friendship just adds to that.
Yeah... too much romance on my mind...
Damnable likable people who live too far away *shakes fist in their general direction*
I miss people back home too.
So yes... the movie.
Government has a purpose. I'm not a complete anarchist. Its purpose is to guide, to defend the safety/rights of people and to represent the people. America, as it was originally founded, was a good idea. 'Those who have the ability to take action have the responsibility to take action'. But over time, that vision has been lost. America has failed, if you wish - they have become as repressive as the British of the time. The so-called 'freedom' and 'rights' they defend are the freedom and right to discriminate and hate. Freedom has a line in society. While you may be free, as a person, in your head to dislike people based on race, color, sexual identity or whatever else, a society cannot be discriminatory. Which is where government comes in. The government should ensure that discrimination doesn't exist beyond the very small degree of personal preference (dating, close friends, etc). I actually like paying taxes, or at least the idea of paying taxes, since the government does a lot of things for me (especially as a resident of Quebec). My education fees are far lower than the rest of Canada, which are far lower than the States. Health care, check (waiting times aside). The government looks after the people who can't, it ensures that people's basic needs are met. But the government needs to have limits. V for Vendetta, 1984 and Brave New World are all perfect examples of government taken a step (if not many steps) too far. 'Absolute power corrupts absolutely'. And this extends far beyond dictatorships and corrupted communism. Even democracy can make horrible choices. Take the United States. Because the majority of people voted against gay marriage; because the majority of the people are against homosexuality... does that make them right? Some famous examples are in order.
Once upon a time...
The majority of people believed that four basic elements (Earth, Water, Wind and Fire) constituted all matter.
The majority of people believed the world is flat.
The majority of people believed that black people were meant to be slaves.
The majority of people believed that the sound barrier could not be broken.
So... government does good things, but there is a great potential for evil too, when you give control to people. It is... a balance. And I've been saying that way too often... but its true, everything is a balance in life.
Back to relationships, having just read Eve's journal while in the midst of writing my own.
I really like how she puts it, that most people 'put the act before the person' which, in my own mind, is... fubar. But I'm me. In Daren's words, I am old fashion... from another time were the words he used I believed. And you know what... I love being that way. I really do, with the smiling and the people and the romance. I really love romance. There was another person who was once a friend of mine who described it perfectly. 'Cuddling on a couch in front of a fire is more of a turn-on than anything sexual you could do to me'. Not that the sex isn't fun, but... I don't know. Sex for the sake of sex made no sense to me. And I'm really glad that my first time was with somebody special... somebody I cared and still do care for - even if it might never go into a relationship again. People like Steve used to say 'Man, you should get laid... that girl is cute.' And sure, maybe she's attractive in a plastic, Barbie doll manner. But I'll leave the Barbie Doll's to Steve (he's an ass anyways). Not only is plastic ugly as sin to me, there are no brains behind the Botox.
I suppose the two most attractive things for me, in a woman, is intelligence and romance. Nice eyes and hair are good and an interesting personality is a must (but what an interesting personality is so wide and varied, its indescribable and therefore I can only think about it on a case by case basis). Its a wide variety of people... from artists to goths to even some more preppy people (as long as the pink doesn't overboard). One of the keys is that they are who they are and not trying to be anything else. And if you fit a stereotype perfectly... if thats who you really are... then go with it. I mean, some people have to fit the stereotype in reality lol. But, take me as a good example. I'm a bit goth, a bit punk, a bit nerd, a bit prep, a bit emo, a bit... I'm just me. Its so much simpler that way.... I am nearly everything. People who describe themselves as "I'm me" are the best kind of people. *high fives Ashley, Lisa and a few others*.
Alrighty... I think thats long enough for the evening. I'm gone, for a bit RuneScape and then the sleeping.
*hugs*
- Dep
Sault Ste Marie
So I'm here in the Sault with the Lisa and the Chris. This is actually pretty cool, since I'm staying in res with them - sortof a sneak peak at what residence is like perhaps. And... there is pool. Not the swimming kindof pool, but the table kind of pool with the balls and the wings and the free-ness :D.
Thoughts... are looking up. I feel good about my actions, partly as a result of conversation with good friends and partly because of the justifications running through my head. I'm sure certain people think I'm an ass for saying some of the things I've said. I have no regrets, except perhaps that I was a bit too harsh towards Courtney in a previous journal entry... I was really angry at the time. But *shrugs* I mean, its entirely probable that its not something she can control and me being angry isn't going to help that. I just wish she would talk about it, so I could understand... I know she has a fear of confrontation but this isn't really a confrontation - I'm not even angry any more... I was really on edge because of the tension. It's all good now.
I'm enjoying myself here. The bus ride was great... it's always fun to have somebody to talk to on your bus ride. And Lisa's boyfriend Chris is really nice...
I suppose that would be my only negative (though its not really a bad thing, it shouldn't bother me... its just a bit of a negative thought) is being here with a couple and, essentially, living with them for four days. He even came to meet her at the bus depot... alright *stops before the crying*.
But yes, great time and great plans.
Anyways, I gotta go.
Later
Thoughts... are looking up. I feel good about my actions, partly as a result of conversation with good friends and partly because of the justifications running through my head. I'm sure certain people think I'm an ass for saying some of the things I've said. I have no regrets, except perhaps that I was a bit too harsh towards Courtney in a previous journal entry... I was really angry at the time. But *shrugs* I mean, its entirely probable that its not something she can control and me being angry isn't going to help that. I just wish she would talk about it, so I could understand... I know she has a fear of confrontation but this isn't really a confrontation - I'm not even angry any more... I was really on edge because of the tension. It's all good now.
I'm enjoying myself here. The bus ride was great... it's always fun to have somebody to talk to on your bus ride. And Lisa's boyfriend Chris is really nice...
I suppose that would be my only negative (though its not really a bad thing, it shouldn't bother me... its just a bit of a negative thought) is being here with a couple and, essentially, living with them for four days. He even came to meet her at the bus depot... alright *stops before the crying*.
But yes, great time and great plans.
Anyways, I gotta go.
Later
Sunday, March 26, 2006
My Insanity...
The question, to me, seems to have an obvious answer. If you think something is wrong, do you try to do something about it? Obviously, yes. Too many problems in this world are caused by people who sit back and do nothing. For me its simple.
If my friend is, in my opinion, doing something stupid or at risk, the question that gets me is 'If I did nothing, could I live with myself if something did happen?'. And that question generally has the answer of 'No, I couldn't'. And I am by no means all knowing plus I know I have a tendancy to personalize things too much and be a bit too paranoid.
So you know... I feel justified talking to a specialist about a friend's problem if I have concerns about their relationship and wondering what I'm supposed to do. I hope people would do the same for me.... in fact I believe some have.
... some people give the greatest relationship advice... in that its hilarious to listen to. Mary (vicki's mom) is one of those people... some of the things that just come out of her mouth are like 'wtf... no wonder you're fourty, divorced and single...'. With the hurting.
Sorry, random comment.
Some people would say I have no right. In my mind, I do... as your friend, if I have concerns, I need to talk to somebody about them... definately you and if I'm not sure, then somebody who understands such things. And discussing it with other people can be good, since it can sometimes make you see that there is nothing to worry about... and sometimes it just makes you worry more.
And its not, say, somebody who's a bit insane. Insanity is a good thing. I'm talking (from my perspective again), incredibly fucked up with life-altering consequences. If a friend was seriously talking about suicide say or was in a continually abusive relationship (mental/emotional/physical/whatever). In my mind, its part of the duty of being a good friend to look out for each other and make sure they aren't hurting themselves and offering the outside viewpoint, since we all know that sometimes a more objective viewpoint can be better.
Its funny how many stereotypes some people have and how quick they are to leap to conclusions. I mean, come on... stereotypes. Nothing in life is certain and every person reacts differently. Sure, maybe you can make an occasional generalization, but you can't make assumptions based on it. But you know... fuck 'em. I don't need their shit and if they want to take it extremely personally beyond all reason, then really. I just had a conversation that was vaguely reminiscent of arguing with Sarah... it would be that we would have a discussion, she would say something, I would explain something, she would change topics onto something else, I would explain it... and it would keep going in circles, with her making points until I make a point that is good then she would change topics to another thing... and it would go in circles. And she would assume things from my comments, take them so much furthur. Like "I find this style of argument highly annoying and pointless" and she'd say "So now you think I'm stupid." ARGH. WTF. NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT. With the urge to slap. Really. Its stubborn and pointless and just... just so very very very immature. *sigh* people will grow up one day.
Lisa comes today. Yay! I am excited.
People need to learn how to speak better English and to not be so paranoid and read into things too much. I mean, I do it too, but I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong. This is ridiculous. And quit applying your views on the world to everyone else... holy shit. Different lives.
Alright, my mind and blood pressure needs a break from that.
I'm done. Over and out. Ash, I'd love to talk to you later, I've a number of things on my mind.
Later
*hugs*
- Dep
If my friend is, in my opinion, doing something stupid or at risk, the question that gets me is 'If I did nothing, could I live with myself if something did happen?'. And that question generally has the answer of 'No, I couldn't'. And I am by no means all knowing plus I know I have a tendancy to personalize things too much and be a bit too paranoid.
So you know... I feel justified talking to a specialist about a friend's problem if I have concerns about their relationship and wondering what I'm supposed to do. I hope people would do the same for me.... in fact I believe some have.
... some people give the greatest relationship advice... in that its hilarious to listen to. Mary (vicki's mom) is one of those people... some of the things that just come out of her mouth are like 'wtf... no wonder you're fourty, divorced and single...'. With the hurting.
Sorry, random comment.
Some people would say I have no right. In my mind, I do... as your friend, if I have concerns, I need to talk to somebody about them... definately you and if I'm not sure, then somebody who understands such things. And discussing it with other people can be good, since it can sometimes make you see that there is nothing to worry about... and sometimes it just makes you worry more.
And its not, say, somebody who's a bit insane. Insanity is a good thing. I'm talking (from my perspective again), incredibly fucked up with life-altering consequences. If a friend was seriously talking about suicide say or was in a continually abusive relationship (mental/emotional/physical/whatever). In my mind, its part of the duty of being a good friend to look out for each other and make sure they aren't hurting themselves and offering the outside viewpoint, since we all know that sometimes a more objective viewpoint can be better.
Its funny how many stereotypes some people have and how quick they are to leap to conclusions. I mean, come on... stereotypes. Nothing in life is certain and every person reacts differently. Sure, maybe you can make an occasional generalization, but you can't make assumptions based on it. But you know... fuck 'em. I don't need their shit and if they want to take it extremely personally beyond all reason, then really. I just had a conversation that was vaguely reminiscent of arguing with Sarah... it would be that we would have a discussion, she would say something, I would explain something, she would change topics onto something else, I would explain it... and it would keep going in circles, with her making points until I make a point that is good then she would change topics to another thing... and it would go in circles. And she would assume things from my comments, take them so much furthur. Like "I find this style of argument highly annoying and pointless" and she'd say "So now you think I'm stupid." ARGH. WTF. NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT. With the urge to slap. Really. Its stubborn and pointless and just... just so very very very immature. *sigh* people will grow up one day.
Lisa comes today. Yay! I am excited.
People need to learn how to speak better English and to not be so paranoid and read into things too much. I mean, I do it too, but I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong. This is ridiculous. And quit applying your views on the world to everyone else... holy shit. Different lives.
Alright, my mind and blood pressure needs a break from that.
I'm done. Over and out. Ash, I'd love to talk to you later, I've a number of things on my mind.
Later
*hugs*
- Dep
The Censored Report
Well originally, I had this long journal entry written down in an RTF file (its still undergoing modifications as more thoughts come to mind... eventually I should start a new one eh?) but I've decided to censor a bit of it, in case ********** castrates me for my rants about ********** being a fucking ********* with the IQ of a ***.
[RANT]************* and then the ****** with the ****** [/RANT]
You get the idea, I'm sure.
On with the actual entry!
I... had an awesome time last night with Ash and two people I have never before encountered... Tiff and Jo. It began as a harmless excusion to East Side's, where I encountered the full force of Tiff's random bouncyness. It was amusing. East Side's was good... Eve is right, we did have a cute waiter... and he did walk in on some of the most amusing comments about rape and sexual perversion... but he just walked away quickly and was polishing a rifle in the background. And I made sexual advances towards Jo but they were turned down *cries* just kidding... I was kidding. Sort of. :P (Nah, I was kidding)
After this, it was to see Martin/Rachel (Martin I had met over Christmas), with the dropping off of a TV and the crazed antics of the 3 year old... who thinks a rodent is a lobster and took great amusement out of passing a ball back and forth. It was interesting. Ash and I tortured Tiff with the biting of knees and wrists :D.
Then... to Bell Park, which was beautiful (my first time there) where we saw first a creepy star that MOVED IN CIRCLES AND GLOWED. WTF. Probably a UFO... or a satellite. Anyways, we also saw a shooting star which is the first time my life I've actually really seen a shooting star (outside of my own fiction).... and yes I made a wish... all I'll say is I am a really really corney person. The park was entertaining with Jo trying to catch Eve while she ran off the stage... and he succeeded... and then fell with her as he was trying to put her back on.
The evening ended... too soon in my opinion, but it was getting late. I came back here to find Nicky had a few friends over (so much for worrying about being out late - they were still here when I passed out). I wrote, I thought and I passed out... only to wake up with my usual caffeine headache...
They're the oddest things... when I drink, I don't get a hangover (probably because I drink so much water when I drink). But when I drink caffeine, I get massive hangovers. Can caffeine dehydrate you? Or maybe it just gives me headaches... I should try stopping again one of these days. The problem is I stop, and its good... until something really stressful comes up again (like a massive massive project or my damn personal life) and then its.... 'I need one... just one...' and then BANG I'm back where I usually am.
Last night was excellent yes, in both the fun sense but also in a number of other ways. I'd hate to sound melodramatic, but it was another step on the path of reevaluating my friendships and keeping only the good ones. Even though I was a stranger to these people, I really felt at home with them. I didn't feel the need to censor myself and I could just relax... thats unusual for me. And so many people I've counted as close friends don't bring that feeling in me... and treat me far worse. Especially *********, who was really ******** last night. I think ****** is pissed off because of my ******** last night with *********. **** just takes things so freaking ************ that its very aggravating. Usually this is good for me, because I've had a lot on my mind with various feelings for people, the whole thing with Courtney and a couple of other issues and I can just let them go... but I can't talk to ******* anymore about personal things. Our viewpoints are too different and ******* has a fairly cold attitude towards me... we barely speak, even though we're ********************. (I just like censoring things... I'm so going to be a governement employee one of these days - the guy with the black marker who censors documents for the media). Seriously... what kind of friendship is it if you feel closer to people you've known a few hours.
I definately want to come back to Sudbury and see Ash/Tiff/Jo again... it was great. And I think they have plots to either kidnap me or come visit me which would be great.
Anyways... m'yeah. Other topics before I go... *ponders*.
I hear you Eve about relationships... its odd, because its like listening to the thoughts in my head. Really scarey somedays. My thoughts are just a blur on the matter at the moment, so...yeah. lol
And I retroactively add being stabbed with an ex-canary to my list of tortures for people who can't deal with my openness on my journal... that actually would explain ******'s attitude... pissed off at my last journal entry no doubt.
And perhaps a bit envious/pissed off that I'm not taking her side in the thing between the two. But fuck her. And not liteally.
Sometimes, people need to learn a lesson the harsh way. The upside of that is, the harsh way sticks so much better than listening to your friends. But the harsh way is also harsh.... hence why it is called the 'harsh' way. (crazy illiterations about harping harsh hash come to mind). *shrugs* some people can't learn any other way.
*lifts mug of caffeinated beverage* to friendship, to love and to the good times
*drinks*
*hugs*
- Dep
[RANT]************* and then the ****** with the ****** [/RANT]
You get the idea, I'm sure.
On with the actual entry!
I... had an awesome time last night with Ash and two people I have never before encountered... Tiff and Jo. It began as a harmless excusion to East Side's, where I encountered the full force of Tiff's random bouncyness. It was amusing. East Side's was good... Eve is right, we did have a cute waiter... and he did walk in on some of the most amusing comments about rape and sexual perversion... but he just walked away quickly and was polishing a rifle in the background. And I made sexual advances towards Jo but they were turned down *cries* just kidding... I was kidding. Sort of. :P (Nah, I was kidding)
After this, it was to see Martin/Rachel (Martin I had met over Christmas), with the dropping off of a TV and the crazed antics of the 3 year old... who thinks a rodent is a lobster and took great amusement out of passing a ball back and forth. It was interesting. Ash and I tortured Tiff with the biting of knees and wrists :D.
Then... to Bell Park, which was beautiful (my first time there) where we saw first a creepy star that MOVED IN CIRCLES AND GLOWED. WTF. Probably a UFO... or a satellite. Anyways, we also saw a shooting star which is the first time my life I've actually really seen a shooting star (outside of my own fiction).... and yes I made a wish... all I'll say is I am a really really corney person. The park was entertaining with Jo trying to catch Eve while she ran off the stage... and he succeeded... and then fell with her as he was trying to put her back on.
The evening ended... too soon in my opinion, but it was getting late. I came back here to find Nicky had a few friends over (so much for worrying about being out late - they were still here when I passed out). I wrote, I thought and I passed out... only to wake up with my usual caffeine headache...
They're the oddest things... when I drink, I don't get a hangover (probably because I drink so much water when I drink). But when I drink caffeine, I get massive hangovers. Can caffeine dehydrate you? Or maybe it just gives me headaches... I should try stopping again one of these days. The problem is I stop, and its good... until something really stressful comes up again (like a massive massive project or my damn personal life) and then its.... 'I need one... just one...' and then BANG I'm back where I usually am.
Last night was excellent yes, in both the fun sense but also in a number of other ways. I'd hate to sound melodramatic, but it was another step on the path of reevaluating my friendships and keeping only the good ones. Even though I was a stranger to these people, I really felt at home with them. I didn't feel the need to censor myself and I could just relax... thats unusual for me. And so many people I've counted as close friends don't bring that feeling in me... and treat me far worse. Especially *********, who was really ******** last night. I think ****** is pissed off because of my ******** last night with *********. **** just takes things so freaking ************ that its very aggravating. Usually this is good for me, because I've had a lot on my mind with various feelings for people, the whole thing with Courtney and a couple of other issues and I can just let them go... but I can't talk to ******* anymore about personal things. Our viewpoints are too different and ******* has a fairly cold attitude towards me... we barely speak, even though we're ********************. (I just like censoring things... I'm so going to be a governement employee one of these days - the guy with the black marker who censors documents for the media). Seriously... what kind of friendship is it if you feel closer to people you've known a few hours.
I definately want to come back to Sudbury and see Ash/Tiff/Jo again... it was great. And I think they have plots to either kidnap me or come visit me which would be great.
Anyways... m'yeah. Other topics before I go... *ponders*.
I hear you Eve about relationships... its odd, because its like listening to the thoughts in my head. Really scarey somedays. My thoughts are just a blur on the matter at the moment, so...yeah. lol
And I retroactively add being stabbed with an ex-canary to my list of tortures for people who can't deal with my openness on my journal... that actually would explain ******'s attitude... pissed off at my last journal entry no doubt.
And perhaps a bit envious/pissed off that I'm not taking her side in the thing between the two. But fuck her. And not liteally.
Sometimes, people need to learn a lesson the harsh way. The upside of that is, the harsh way sticks so much better than listening to your friends. But the harsh way is also harsh.... hence why it is called the 'harsh' way. (crazy illiterations about harping harsh hash come to mind). *shrugs* some people can't learn any other way.
*lifts mug of caffeinated beverage* to friendship, to love and to the good times
*drinks*
*hugs*
- Dep
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Update #... something
So, its been a bit, I know, because I have a lot of things on my mind, especially after yesterday... which is what I'll start with.
Before I do that... Yahoo Messenger's little ringing bells when you get a new message has to be the most annoying sound ever to come out of a computer since dialup modems.
So yes... yesterday.
I got an e-mail from a guy claiming to be Courtney's boyfriend, saying something about how he hasn't seen Courtney in so long and would like to talk to me about it and what's going on. *shrugs* Now I've been the victim of spam and joke e-mails before, so I do some research... its amazing what you can find on the Internet. The address isn't listed anywhere as a spam e-mail address... the letter seems to fit the facts and the email address has a profile attached to it. So I add him to MSN and have a bit of a chat with him... during this chat, Courtney messages me and tells me not to talk to a guy named (this guys name) because he's a crazy stalker who's been messaging her other friends and she has no clue who this guy is. Odd, because this e-mail was sent to me nearly two weeks ago... in fact its been in darkelfpoet's junk mail since forever (I don't check it that often and have been ignoring what was in it). *shrugs* she asks me not to talk with the guy, but I do anyways... just to see whether or not he's a stalker. He didn't come across that way... maybe a little obsessive - young teenager in love kindof obsessive, but not stalking serious. Now, oddly enough, during the conversation, I learn many things... such that he knows that I write poetry, my email address, that I write stories (mentioned one by name even), knows several key events in Courtney's life and about her herself. Then, after he leaves... I find this guys journal on Google. Very interesting... it included at the time, the history of their relationship back to September including key events that almost nobody would know about except Courtney's closest of friends (Courtney: the bar... it was in there). In addition, the time line fits with her internet problems, the removal of her appendix and her not going to class... and it mentions her by name and them doing various things that include watching her favorite movie. I'm sorry, there is NO way somebody could know that much about another person and yet the other person has no clue who it is. I don't believe it. I refuse to believe it... its bullshit.
Yet Courtney said it was all a lie and that the guy was making up his own fantasy world. Which means there are two possibilities.
A) He's a delusion guy with access to the most intimate details of somebody's life and access to some details of mine and he needs to be in a mental hospital NOW because that is not healthy in the least.
B) Courtney's lying.
All I have to say is Occam's Razor: The simplist solution is usually the correct one. Not only that, but... it just doesn't fit. He wouldn't know some of these things unless he's best friends with one of Courtney's best friends or he knows Courtney intimately. And I find it highly unlikely if not impossible that that would be the case. And for those of you who are going to ask about his journal, he deleted the entries a few hours after I read them... which would fit the pattern of a guy in love who's just had his heart torn out (I remember doing that once) - in fact, its shocking how his relationship followed the pattern that mine did.
Which means I'm starting to wonder if Daren's right about Courtney being a pathological liar... it would explain a great deal of things and I don't see a loose thread anywhere.
*shrugs* I'm not horribly surprised to tell the truth. I'd hoped we were past the lies after I came clean... but apparently we aren't. And I really can't swallow this one this time... I've stretched what I've been willing to believe in the past, but this... there is no way she doesn't know this guy.
And so you're asking 'So what?'. And its not that I care that she's dating some guy or that she dated him I suppose I should say... I'm just fed up with being lied to. Really fed up and really pissed at myself that I've been willing to believe her up til now.
Because obviously, if she's lying about this, then I have to go back and reevaluate all the other times I've had trouble believing something from her.
And its not like I'd be horribly mad if she would just come out and say 'Look... I lied to you, this is the truth and I'm going to do my best in the future not to lie to you'. I know how sometimes you can lie and your lies just build and build and built... but at some point you just have to suck it up and come clean... especially if you're ever interested in trying to rebuild the relationship one day, which she's obviously not. In fact, I would say she's not into the serious relationships, not like I am, judging by how she's handled our relationship and the relationship with this other guy.
*shrugs* I was really pissed yesteday, but I'm better now... the caffeine is helping lol.
Spending the evening with Ashley and a few friends of her... it should be really cool.
Nicky's getting on my nerves a bit... she gets that look if I even mention that I'm talking to Ashley and is really on edge and a bit... snarky I believe is the word. *shrugs*
Leaving tomorrow at 7 for the Sault with Lisa... that should be fun.
One of the things I'm really for is freedom of speech. I believe that any person should be able to voice their opinion on a subject - in fact that's why I have a journal, is so I can have my own voice... and journals are great for that. If you think about it, before the Internet (and blogs in particular), to get your opinion heard, you had to publish something which was hard as hell. Now anyone can just go and start speaking. Now that isn't to say that everyone's opinion is right, especially from a society point of view - society needs to respect the rights of everyone, which is why we're lucky to have human rights here in Canada (unlike those damn Americans). Where's my point... right. People who tell me to keep my opinions to myself (to shut up) can honestly go to hell. You don't like them, don't read my journal. And yes, that is directed at somebody who recently told me to shut up with my opinions and discussing them in a public forum. Beyond the fact that its my right, I also need the feel to rant and get the thoughts out on occasion. And in discussing something, I also find new insights to it and hope to inspire insights in others... isn't that the point of having a blog. We can learn from the mistakes of others or those mistakes can help others to recognize the same flaws and correct them.
So *shrugs* no more moderation. If you've a problem, I'll take a page from Eve's book and have you raped with a steel pipe wrapped in barbwire.
Which also gets me into my newest journal... I know it might be hard for people to check two journals, but for a bit at least, I'm going to start seperating my thoughts for those people who are too 'sensitive' for my thoughts... until the steel pipe people can make enough steel pipes and distribute them at least. I may move completely to another journal one day, though this one I will keep for old time's sake. But some people I feel are no longer close enough to me for me to be as open as I would like to be.
So... that leaves me... with Eve coming soon, an evening of good times in mind and such. I'm gone.
Later
*hugs*
- Dep
Before I do that... Yahoo Messenger's little ringing bells when you get a new message has to be the most annoying sound ever to come out of a computer since dialup modems.
So yes... yesterday.
I got an e-mail from a guy claiming to be Courtney's boyfriend, saying something about how he hasn't seen Courtney in so long and would like to talk to me about it and what's going on. *shrugs* Now I've been the victim of spam and joke e-mails before, so I do some research... its amazing what you can find on the Internet. The address isn't listed anywhere as a spam e-mail address... the letter seems to fit the facts and the email address has a profile attached to it. So I add him to MSN and have a bit of a chat with him... during this chat, Courtney messages me and tells me not to talk to a guy named (this guys name) because he's a crazy stalker who's been messaging her other friends and she has no clue who this guy is. Odd, because this e-mail was sent to me nearly two weeks ago... in fact its been in darkelfpoet's junk mail since forever (I don't check it that often and have been ignoring what was in it). *shrugs* she asks me not to talk with the guy, but I do anyways... just to see whether or not he's a stalker. He didn't come across that way... maybe a little obsessive - young teenager in love kindof obsessive, but not stalking serious. Now, oddly enough, during the conversation, I learn many things... such that he knows that I write poetry, my email address, that I write stories (mentioned one by name even), knows several key events in Courtney's life and about her herself. Then, after he leaves... I find this guys journal on Google. Very interesting... it included at the time, the history of their relationship back to September including key events that almost nobody would know about except Courtney's closest of friends (Courtney: the bar... it was in there). In addition, the time line fits with her internet problems, the removal of her appendix and her not going to class... and it mentions her by name and them doing various things that include watching her favorite movie. I'm sorry, there is NO way somebody could know that much about another person and yet the other person has no clue who it is. I don't believe it. I refuse to believe it... its bullshit.
Yet Courtney said it was all a lie and that the guy was making up his own fantasy world. Which means there are two possibilities.
A) He's a delusion guy with access to the most intimate details of somebody's life and access to some details of mine and he needs to be in a mental hospital NOW because that is not healthy in the least.
B) Courtney's lying.
All I have to say is Occam's Razor: The simplist solution is usually the correct one. Not only that, but... it just doesn't fit. He wouldn't know some of these things unless he's best friends with one of Courtney's best friends or he knows Courtney intimately. And I find it highly unlikely if not impossible that that would be the case. And for those of you who are going to ask about his journal, he deleted the entries a few hours after I read them... which would fit the pattern of a guy in love who's just had his heart torn out (I remember doing that once) - in fact, its shocking how his relationship followed the pattern that mine did.
Which means I'm starting to wonder if Daren's right about Courtney being a pathological liar... it would explain a great deal of things and I don't see a loose thread anywhere.
*shrugs* I'm not horribly surprised to tell the truth. I'd hoped we were past the lies after I came clean... but apparently we aren't. And I really can't swallow this one this time... I've stretched what I've been willing to believe in the past, but this... there is no way she doesn't know this guy.
And so you're asking 'So what?'. And its not that I care that she's dating some guy or that she dated him I suppose I should say... I'm just fed up with being lied to. Really fed up and really pissed at myself that I've been willing to believe her up til now.
Because obviously, if she's lying about this, then I have to go back and reevaluate all the other times I've had trouble believing something from her.
And its not like I'd be horribly mad if she would just come out and say 'Look... I lied to you, this is the truth and I'm going to do my best in the future not to lie to you'. I know how sometimes you can lie and your lies just build and build and built... but at some point you just have to suck it up and come clean... especially if you're ever interested in trying to rebuild the relationship one day, which she's obviously not. In fact, I would say she's not into the serious relationships, not like I am, judging by how she's handled our relationship and the relationship with this other guy.
*shrugs* I was really pissed yesteday, but I'm better now... the caffeine is helping lol.
Spending the evening with Ashley and a few friends of her... it should be really cool.
Nicky's getting on my nerves a bit... she gets that look if I even mention that I'm talking to Ashley and is really on edge and a bit... snarky I believe is the word. *shrugs*
Leaving tomorrow at 7 for the Sault with Lisa... that should be fun.
One of the things I'm really for is freedom of speech. I believe that any person should be able to voice their opinion on a subject - in fact that's why I have a journal, is so I can have my own voice... and journals are great for that. If you think about it, before the Internet (and blogs in particular), to get your opinion heard, you had to publish something which was hard as hell. Now anyone can just go and start speaking. Now that isn't to say that everyone's opinion is right, especially from a society point of view - society needs to respect the rights of everyone, which is why we're lucky to have human rights here in Canada (unlike those damn Americans). Where's my point... right. People who tell me to keep my opinions to myself (to shut up) can honestly go to hell. You don't like them, don't read my journal. And yes, that is directed at somebody who recently told me to shut up with my opinions and discussing them in a public forum. Beyond the fact that its my right, I also need the feel to rant and get the thoughts out on occasion. And in discussing something, I also find new insights to it and hope to inspire insights in others... isn't that the point of having a blog. We can learn from the mistakes of others or those mistakes can help others to recognize the same flaws and correct them.
So *shrugs* no more moderation. If you've a problem, I'll take a page from Eve's book and have you raped with a steel pipe wrapped in barbwire.
Which also gets me into my newest journal... I know it might be hard for people to check two journals, but for a bit at least, I'm going to start seperating my thoughts for those people who are too 'sensitive' for my thoughts... until the steel pipe people can make enough steel pipes and distribute them at least. I may move completely to another journal one day, though this one I will keep for old time's sake. But some people I feel are no longer close enough to me for me to be as open as I would like to be.
So... that leaves me... with Eve coming soon, an evening of good times in mind and such. I'm gone.
Later
*hugs*
- Dep
Friday, March 24, 2006
Arrival
I am alive and well in Sudbury.
It was a good trip up, went quickly and I had an excellent book to read - 'salem's Lot (Stephen King). Very thought provoking actually, maybe more on that later once I've had the chance to assimilate it.
I'm beginning to feel that I have to moderate my thoughts on this blog, which means it may be time for a new private one where I can rant. I like ranting, but I don't like people who get offended at my ranting... after all, they're my thoughts aren't they? What do you care.
Becoming re-addicted to Sonata Arctica really quickly with the mad drumming and the blowing of my eardrums.
Needless to say, a lot on my mind and few opportunities to get it out. I wrote a new poem about one of those things - its posted on my deviantART for any who want to read... more metaphorical, which is good because I like metaphors. They're thought provoking.
And thank you Eve for your comments/blogs... sometimes the thoughts of others help me organize my own and you've been a big help :). And its always nice to get comments. I like comments.
Anyways, an idea of my schedule
Today: Slacking, maybe a movie
Tomorrow: Seeing Eve
Sunday: Not sure, seeing Lisa when she comes in
Monday-whoknowswhen: With Lisa
After that its kindof up in the air at the moment.
So yeah... I'll let you get on with your day and I'll start thinking about the name of a new journal which will be by invite only!
Laterz
- Dep
It was a good trip up, went quickly and I had an excellent book to read - 'salem's Lot (Stephen King). Very thought provoking actually, maybe more on that later once I've had the chance to assimilate it.
I'm beginning to feel that I have to moderate my thoughts on this blog, which means it may be time for a new private one where I can rant. I like ranting, but I don't like people who get offended at my ranting... after all, they're my thoughts aren't they? What do you care.
Becoming re-addicted to Sonata Arctica really quickly with the mad drumming and the blowing of my eardrums.
Needless to say, a lot on my mind and few opportunities to get it out. I wrote a new poem about one of those things - its posted on my deviantART for any who want to read... more metaphorical, which is good because I like metaphors. They're thought provoking.
And thank you Eve for your comments/blogs... sometimes the thoughts of others help me organize my own and you've been a big help :). And its always nice to get comments. I like comments.
Anyways, an idea of my schedule
Today: Slacking, maybe a movie
Tomorrow: Seeing Eve
Sunday: Not sure, seeing Lisa when she comes in
Monday-whoknowswhen: With Lisa
After that its kindof up in the air at the moment.
So yeah... I'll let you get on with your day and I'll start thinking about the name of a new journal which will be by invite only!
Laterz
- Dep
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Blah Thoughts
I feel so incoherent tonight.
My apologies Eve... I fear I was the worst with you. I think I know why but *shrugs* isn't important. I'm really tired and I'm up for at least another hour.
On other topics...
My singleness is really depressing at the moment. It always kind of is, it just gets more amplified at times. Thoughts of past relationships haunt me. It seems as if I just can't get it right... either I screw something up, or they live too far away, or they have their own issues or they're seeing someone else. I'm really tired of being single.
Thats all I can think about. I'm so incoherent and messed up, it isn't funny. I'm just going to play solitaire until my laundry finishes and I can finish my packing.
- Rob
My apologies Eve... I fear I was the worst with you. I think I know why but *shrugs* isn't important. I'm really tired and I'm up for at least another hour.
On other topics...
My singleness is really depressing at the moment. It always kind of is, it just gets more amplified at times. Thoughts of past relationships haunt me. It seems as if I just can't get it right... either I screw something up, or they live too far away, or they have their own issues or they're seeing someone else. I'm really tired of being single.
Thats all I can think about. I'm so incoherent and messed up, it isn't funny. I'm just going to play solitaire until my laundry finishes and I can finish my packing.
- Rob
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Ha!
So I've been sitting here... waiting for somebody to show, because I wish to talk to them.... and waiting... and waiting... been here since 6 btw, and its nearly 10 now. And then it hit me that she has class late tonight... til 9 I believe *smacks*
So much for that theory. Maybe I should do laundry now lol before I try something else.
Ahh *ponders*. There is much on my mind (isn't there always?) but a part of that must go to the private journal/rants.
But part... can go here! Why? Why, is because I'm semi-hyper and in deep thought. Never a good combination, with many pages to go and at least an hour before I must sleep.
So what can we talk about.
Relationships are always a good topic.
Its odd, my hate/love affair with relationships. I mean, they have plenty of upsides which make them worthwhile. But the downside is how vulnerable one is left in them, how much one can be hurt in it. This, for most people, I don't think is much of a problem... they can shake it off after a bit. But I truly understand those who fear this vulnerability, because its something I feel too and its a part of relationships I have trouble with on occasion. Getting better and for me, improvement is all I can ask for from myself. I suppose another downside, and the part I really hate the most, is knowing whether or not a person is interested. Don't get me wrong - boring relationships are... well boring. Predictibility and rigidness in a relationship can be bad (some is good, too much is bad). But on one thing, I think there should be certainty in the relationship... that the two people have a lot of feelings for each other. And knowing when somebody has those feelings is very difficult, at least for me (possibly because other people have similar problems and because I don't get subtle remarks lol). Perhaps it isn't so odd, but it certainly is confusing at times to have feelings for somebody and think "do they like me" and get the answer of "maybe". Risks are good but... actually that goes back to feeling vulnerable doesn't it...
Alright, enough random thoughts on that.
Some interesting things from life:
Gay Rights Presentation: Yes I finally got to finish it... yesterday in fact. It went great, the homophobe was stunned and asked stupid questions like "If there's no medical reason for somebody to have a sex change, do you think they should be able to have one if they want one" (this was after me discussing transsexual rights). Isn't my answer obvious? He asked another one "Do you think gay people should be allowed to marry" (and this guy has almost a George W. accent, so please think of his questions in that accent). My answer was... "Yes... duuuuh". Well it was close. With the slapping and all. But the rest of my class was great, I got good reviews and good questions. My teacher loved it and good marks for all.
Mid-Terms: Woot! The midterms come out. Lowest mark was a 76 in English, a 77 in French and I didn't look after that, but 80s and 90s for the rest.
Trip: Trip is on. Very on, and I'm leaving Thursday at midnight. I'll be staying in Sudbury with Freya (and visiting Eve) on Fri-Sun, then with Lisa in Sault Ste Marie for a large portion of a week before coming back to see Freya/Eve again on my way back. I return on a Monday. If you need help with anything school-related... you're on your own.
Fetishes: PTY discussion last week was on fetishes and we're doing more on them this week, which should be interesting. They make a good point, I think, that fetishes are overly taboo (heck, even I have problems talking about some of mine to some people), and that we really need to be more open about them - especially the less common ones. While I won't post a list of them here, feel free to engage me in conversation about this, I'd love to help the trend lol.
Love Life: Still single. I've been thinking a lot about the past lately and various relationships I've had... its kindof interesting. Sarah is still in there somewhere, though considering how little we've talked (ie never since my birthday), I think that's really in the past - which is understandable, but the memories... the memories are killer. Vicki was just a mistake, I think I spoke about that. Courtney's persuing her own dreams, though perhaps willing to give it a try in the future (wait and see what happens *shrugs*), and I've got a grand total of two people I think it would be interesting to try a relationship with... I don't know either of them well enough, but I hope to have plenty of opportunities in the future. As for their feelings... see my entry above about knowing other peoples feelings (man I wish I was telepathic). *shrugs* just have to wait and see where life takes us.
Work On The Go: Eve, I know I still owe you a torture thing. Don't worry, its in the back of my mind lol. I'm still contemplating what is the worst torture for me. I think I don't have anything else I promised to do for people... do I? If I do, remind me. Oh right, the Sailor Moon for Andarta... that's on my mind too (though you'll probably have to wait til we see each other next to pick it up :P consider it an incentive to see me).
I don't see my old friends as much as I'd like to. When I get back, I need to arrange to see all of you... Chrissie and Daren especially.
Anyways... she's still not back, so I'm going to hit the hay with the sleeping.
Good night to everyone and pleasent dreams
*hugs*
- Dep
So much for that theory. Maybe I should do laundry now lol before I try something else.
Ahh *ponders*. There is much on my mind (isn't there always?) but a part of that must go to the private journal/rants.
But part... can go here! Why? Why, is because I'm semi-hyper and in deep thought. Never a good combination, with many pages to go and at least an hour before I must sleep.
So what can we talk about.
Relationships are always a good topic.
Its odd, my hate/love affair with relationships. I mean, they have plenty of upsides which make them worthwhile. But the downside is how vulnerable one is left in them, how much one can be hurt in it. This, for most people, I don't think is much of a problem... they can shake it off after a bit. But I truly understand those who fear this vulnerability, because its something I feel too and its a part of relationships I have trouble with on occasion. Getting better and for me, improvement is all I can ask for from myself. I suppose another downside, and the part I really hate the most, is knowing whether or not a person is interested. Don't get me wrong - boring relationships are... well boring. Predictibility and rigidness in a relationship can be bad (some is good, too much is bad). But on one thing, I think there should be certainty in the relationship... that the two people have a lot of feelings for each other. And knowing when somebody has those feelings is very difficult, at least for me (possibly because other people have similar problems and because I don't get subtle remarks lol). Perhaps it isn't so odd, but it certainly is confusing at times to have feelings for somebody and think "do they like me" and get the answer of "maybe". Risks are good but... actually that goes back to feeling vulnerable doesn't it...
Alright, enough random thoughts on that.
Some interesting things from life:
Gay Rights Presentation: Yes I finally got to finish it... yesterday in fact. It went great, the homophobe was stunned and asked stupid questions like "If there's no medical reason for somebody to have a sex change, do you think they should be able to have one if they want one" (this was after me discussing transsexual rights). Isn't my answer obvious? He asked another one "Do you think gay people should be allowed to marry" (and this guy has almost a George W. accent, so please think of his questions in that accent). My answer was... "Yes... duuuuh". Well it was close. With the slapping and all. But the rest of my class was great, I got good reviews and good questions. My teacher loved it and good marks for all.
Mid-Terms: Woot! The midterms come out. Lowest mark was a 76 in English, a 77 in French and I didn't look after that, but 80s and 90s for the rest.
Trip: Trip is on. Very on, and I'm leaving Thursday at midnight. I'll be staying in Sudbury with Freya (and visiting Eve) on Fri-Sun, then with Lisa in Sault Ste Marie for a large portion of a week before coming back to see Freya/Eve again on my way back. I return on a Monday. If you need help with anything school-related... you're on your own.
Fetishes: PTY discussion last week was on fetishes and we're doing more on them this week, which should be interesting. They make a good point, I think, that fetishes are overly taboo (heck, even I have problems talking about some of mine to some people), and that we really need to be more open about them - especially the less common ones. While I won't post a list of them here, feel free to engage me in conversation about this, I'd love to help the trend lol.
Love Life: Still single. I've been thinking a lot about the past lately and various relationships I've had... its kindof interesting. Sarah is still in there somewhere, though considering how little we've talked (ie never since my birthday), I think that's really in the past - which is understandable, but the memories... the memories are killer. Vicki was just a mistake, I think I spoke about that. Courtney's persuing her own dreams, though perhaps willing to give it a try in the future (wait and see what happens *shrugs*), and I've got a grand total of two people I think it would be interesting to try a relationship with... I don't know either of them well enough, but I hope to have plenty of opportunities in the future. As for their feelings... see my entry above about knowing other peoples feelings (man I wish I was telepathic). *shrugs* just have to wait and see where life takes us.
Work On The Go: Eve, I know I still owe you a torture thing. Don't worry, its in the back of my mind lol. I'm still contemplating what is the worst torture for me. I think I don't have anything else I promised to do for people... do I? If I do, remind me. Oh right, the Sailor Moon for Andarta... that's on my mind too (though you'll probably have to wait til we see each other next to pick it up :P consider it an incentive to see me).
I don't see my old friends as much as I'd like to. When I get back, I need to arrange to see all of you... Chrissie and Daren especially.
Anyways... she's still not back, so I'm going to hit the hay with the sleeping.
Good night to everyone and pleasent dreams
*hugs*
- Dep
Monday, March 20, 2006
'What If'
Nothing is as tormenting as the question of 'what if'.
I just thought I'd give you that thought before I ran off to class.
But before I go to French for the sleeping, I just thought I'd also mentioned how frustrating other peoples problems can be. But the one thing I've learned from both recent conversation with people as well as from past experiences (kindof the coming together of many things), its that I can't really alter people - if they want to be on a self-destructive path (yes I quote - one of you knows what I'm talking about), then so be it and I can't be there to clean up the pieces either usually. *shrugs* Having had my say, the paths are your for the choosing... and sometimes making mistakes is good, since usually you learn far better from your own mistakes than those of others.
Anyways, french calls me...
And thank you Eve for your e-mail... it brought a smile to the beginning of a day I thought was going to badly. I really appreciated it, even though I had to read through the lines a bit.
*hugs*
- Dep
I just thought I'd give you that thought before I ran off to class.
But before I go to French for the sleeping, I just thought I'd also mentioned how frustrating other peoples problems can be. But the one thing I've learned from both recent conversation with people as well as from past experiences (kindof the coming together of many things), its that I can't really alter people - if they want to be on a self-destructive path (yes I quote - one of you knows what I'm talking about), then so be it and I can't be there to clean up the pieces either usually. *shrugs* Having had my say, the paths are your for the choosing... and sometimes making mistakes is good, since usually you learn far better from your own mistakes than those of others.
Anyways, french calls me...
And thank you Eve for your e-mail... it brought a smile to the beginning of a day I thought was going to badly. I really appreciated it, even though I had to read through the lines a bit.
*hugs*
- Dep
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Neutrality
My feelings as of late have been neutral. There have been some ups and there have been some downs. I won't get into them, they aren't important.
I don't have that much to say. Thoughts on what some people think of me... I spent time with Vicki a couple of nights ago - which was fun, we played some NES for the night. The problem is I just never felt comfortable around her... even though I've known her since the fourth grade. I think a part of it is my attraction towards her (which is something that I know is going nowhere, but its still there) and another part of it is the links to the rest of my life, when I was really insecure about myself. I've gotten past that for the most part, with the help of friends, but she brings all that old insecurity back and she keeps putting me down about things that are really no longer true... and a third part is that she's a bit intimidating. In the psychological sense, probably for all the reasons above as well as some other parts of our history. I don't really know how to change her mind - she doesn't give me the opportunity to prove different. Its one of the reasons we haven't seen each other in awhile (since I'm starting to dislike spending time around people who put me down... I know now that I don't need them). But the other reason is that she never seems to want to spend time around me, only when its convienent for her (Which is never) and I insist or when she wants something. That... well its not very pleasing, as you can imagine. And for some reason, I'm still attracted to her... don't ask me why, I really can't explain it.
Enough on that, I don't want to think about it more.
PTY was interesting this week. I saw K, which was good, and we talked about fetishes - why they're so tabboo and how we could make them less tabboo. Interesting discussion ensued.
I'm leaving this week, on Thursday, for an extended stay in Sudbury/Sault Ste Marie... which means I get to see Lisa, Eve and Freya, which I am quite excited about - its been too long since I've had real company and I miss them all - especially Lisa, whom I haven't seen since the summer. I forsee many interesting conversations, walks and movies.
Anyways, the hundreds of thoughts floating in my brain cannot be expressed here. I'm going to go grab Notepad and write.
And Eve... don't worry, I still have your question and personification in mind. Don't let me forget. Its been really busy and may continue to be so.
*hugs to y'all*
Laterz
- Rob
I don't have that much to say. Thoughts on what some people think of me... I spent time with Vicki a couple of nights ago - which was fun, we played some NES for the night. The problem is I just never felt comfortable around her... even though I've known her since the fourth grade. I think a part of it is my attraction towards her (which is something that I know is going nowhere, but its still there) and another part of it is the links to the rest of my life, when I was really insecure about myself. I've gotten past that for the most part, with the help of friends, but she brings all that old insecurity back and she keeps putting me down about things that are really no longer true... and a third part is that she's a bit intimidating. In the psychological sense, probably for all the reasons above as well as some other parts of our history. I don't really know how to change her mind - she doesn't give me the opportunity to prove different. Its one of the reasons we haven't seen each other in awhile (since I'm starting to dislike spending time around people who put me down... I know now that I don't need them). But the other reason is that she never seems to want to spend time around me, only when its convienent for her (Which is never) and I insist or when she wants something. That... well its not very pleasing, as you can imagine. And for some reason, I'm still attracted to her... don't ask me why, I really can't explain it.
Enough on that, I don't want to think about it more.
PTY was interesting this week. I saw K, which was good, and we talked about fetishes - why they're so tabboo and how we could make them less tabboo. Interesting discussion ensued.
I'm leaving this week, on Thursday, for an extended stay in Sudbury/Sault Ste Marie... which means I get to see Lisa, Eve and Freya, which I am quite excited about - its been too long since I've had real company and I miss them all - especially Lisa, whom I haven't seen since the summer. I forsee many interesting conversations, walks and movies.
Anyways, the hundreds of thoughts floating in my brain cannot be expressed here. I'm going to go grab Notepad and write.
And Eve... don't worry, I still have your question and personification in mind. Don't let me forget. Its been really busy and may continue to be so.
*hugs to y'all*
Laterz
- Rob
Monday, March 13, 2006
So Very Cold
I just love walking through freezing rain.
I've been reading through my post last night and realized that it doesn't make a lot of sense, heh. I'm not sure if I had much of a point. I have a lot of time to think today, since I don't have class until 1...
I suppose I feel a bit odd because my views are so different from most of my classmates. They seem quite focused on getting laid - probably a College thing - and here I am, thinking about relationships and romance. My dreams aren't of hardcore sex, they're of cuddling. That's not to say that I don't like sex... au contraire completement. I couldn't live a life of celibacy. But its never been the focus of a relationship for me... its not the driving reason. And if it takes time and a lot of trust to get to the point where somebody is comfortable, then I don't see the problem with that - some people have difficulties because of their life or for whatever reason... and it's hard to put yourself there. For somebody I had feelings for, I know I would be willing to help them and be understanding of their situation because I understand. I was like that once. When I was younger, I was very afraid of just taking off my clothes, especially around my girlfriend at the time (whom, for three years, could only get my top off), because I felt too vunerable. Even now, I need to be comfortable with somebody before just taking things off - one of the reasons I don't think I could ever get into the swinger/bachelor lifestyle that people like Daren enjoy. And there are reasons behind why I don't, but we won't get into those. Ask, if you're horribly curious, but I don't feel like revealing all of my past here. And so I've been different... and I enjoy being different, quite frankly.
*shakes head* but with my horrible luck with recent relationships, it seems impossible. I am a bit picky in what I like, but really its simple. A person who can accept me for me, a romantic and at least a moderate level of intelligence/understanding. Beyond that... well personality plays a part, but if you have those three things, personality shouldn't be a terrible problem. And when I say intelligence/understanding, I don't mean you're a genius at such and such. I mean you're one of those insane people who goes beyond society, who isn't afraid to be themselves.
Anyways, I need food and to do work. Perhaps I'll be more clear once I eat.
- Rob
I've been reading through my post last night and realized that it doesn't make a lot of sense, heh. I'm not sure if I had much of a point. I have a lot of time to think today, since I don't have class until 1...
I suppose I feel a bit odd because my views are so different from most of my classmates. They seem quite focused on getting laid - probably a College thing - and here I am, thinking about relationships and romance. My dreams aren't of hardcore sex, they're of cuddling. That's not to say that I don't like sex... au contraire completement. I couldn't live a life of celibacy. But its never been the focus of a relationship for me... its not the driving reason. And if it takes time and a lot of trust to get to the point where somebody is comfortable, then I don't see the problem with that - some people have difficulties because of their life or for whatever reason... and it's hard to put yourself there. For somebody I had feelings for, I know I would be willing to help them and be understanding of their situation because I understand. I was like that once. When I was younger, I was very afraid of just taking off my clothes, especially around my girlfriend at the time (whom, for three years, could only get my top off), because I felt too vunerable. Even now, I need to be comfortable with somebody before just taking things off - one of the reasons I don't think I could ever get into the swinger/bachelor lifestyle that people like Daren enjoy. And there are reasons behind why I don't, but we won't get into those. Ask, if you're horribly curious, but I don't feel like revealing all of my past here. And so I've been different... and I enjoy being different, quite frankly.
*shakes head* but with my horrible luck with recent relationships, it seems impossible. I am a bit picky in what I like, but really its simple. A person who can accept me for me, a romantic and at least a moderate level of intelligence/understanding. Beyond that... well personality plays a part, but if you have those three things, personality shouldn't be a terrible problem. And when I say intelligence/understanding, I don't mean you're a genius at such and such. I mean you're one of those insane people who goes beyond society, who isn't afraid to be themselves.
Anyways, I need food and to do work. Perhaps I'll be more clear once I eat.
- Rob
Random Midnight Thoughts
I can't sleep. My mind is too full of thoughts of all things.
Thoughts of relationships mostly. I know I'm a confusing person at times. And its going to take an insane person to even think about having a relationship with me... mostly because I wouldn't have it any other way. Insane people are the best kind of people, in my opinion.
Talking with people makes me realize how obsessed some people are with sex. I mean a lot of guys would pass up a relationship with somebody just because they wouldn't be getting any easily. *shakes head* I mean, it just makes no sense. So much for commitment to a person instead of to sex. To me, relationships are about being with somebody, sharing your experiences and your life and spending time together. Yeah, I'm a romantic, so shoot me. *shakes head* people are going downhill these days.
Of course, women are no better. Finding a romantic these days is difficult, which is rather sad.
It's a shame that the few people I know whom I really find attractive are either very taken or live so far away. And attractive for me goes beyond physical attraction... its so much more about personality... perhaps thats why I find I can develop feelings for people over the Internet (Though it going anywhere is a different story).
It's also I'm shame that some of those very few people don't know about my feelings and just how attracted I am to some of them. *shakes head* It's really confusing somedays. I'm sure of one person, and she knows how I feel, but the odds of that going anywhere in the near future are slim... she just doesn't seem interested. There are problems with these other people too. I suppose we'll just have to see where things go.
If anyone is curious, I'm sure I have answers for you somewhere in my head. Just ask.
Anyways... I'm going to try to sleep again.
*hugs* g'night
- Rob
Thoughts of relationships mostly. I know I'm a confusing person at times. And its going to take an insane person to even think about having a relationship with me... mostly because I wouldn't have it any other way. Insane people are the best kind of people, in my opinion.
Talking with people makes me realize how obsessed some people are with sex. I mean a lot of guys would pass up a relationship with somebody just because they wouldn't be getting any easily. *shakes head* I mean, it just makes no sense. So much for commitment to a person instead of to sex. To me, relationships are about being with somebody, sharing your experiences and your life and spending time together. Yeah, I'm a romantic, so shoot me. *shakes head* people are going downhill these days.
Of course, women are no better. Finding a romantic these days is difficult, which is rather sad.
It's a shame that the few people I know whom I really find attractive are either very taken or live so far away. And attractive for me goes beyond physical attraction... its so much more about personality... perhaps thats why I find I can develop feelings for people over the Internet (Though it going anywhere is a different story).
It's also I'm shame that some of those very few people don't know about my feelings and just how attracted I am to some of them. *shakes head* It's really confusing somedays. I'm sure of one person, and she knows how I feel, but the odds of that going anywhere in the near future are slim... she just doesn't seem interested. There are problems with these other people too. I suppose we'll just have to see where things go.
If anyone is curious, I'm sure I have answers for you somewhere in my head. Just ask.
Anyways... I'm going to try to sleep again.
*hugs* g'night
- Rob
Friday, March 10, 2006
Unknown
Watching random anime shows and have had this screen open for an hour thinking of what to write.
There is simply too much in my brain and yet not enough... too much data, not enough... organization. And the number of thoughts is overwhelming at times. Only by not thinking... which I can only do when I have something else to focus on (school is always good) can I seem coherant at all. Otherwise I'm just a random person searching for answers I don't have and probably don't exist.
At least I'm not the only person with such questions. I used to think I was, seeing all these stable people around me who don't have the questions, who don't look for answers and who don't think about things to the point I do. Recent conversations with Eve have shown me that this isn't so... not a great help but a bit of one.
I was hoping to get one thing off my mind tonight, with a conversation with Andarta, but that is apparently not to be taking place... perhaps tomorrow. *shrugs*
Somedays I hate myself and the coward I can be, especially when faced with very personal conversations... it's not that I fear them, its that I fear the reaction... the pain that it could cause... ruining a friendship in pursuit of something greater.
And I know... I know only too well that if you don't say something, then you have no chances what so ever and all those things I fear could come to pass anyways.
Its so frustrating to have all these dreams... dare I say hopes? I really know what you mean Eve, when you speak of not daring to hope, only to dream. I have the dreams and the secret hope. But its so frustrating to dream and secretly hope... and yet always have this fear of opening up to somebody... of being rejected... again.
So what am I to do?
Keep on trying to think of other things in the hopes of distracting myself and hope that someday, I find somebody I can really open up to and not have these fears about... which has happened... twice... well maybe.
Anyways, enough of my random thoughts. I'm going to meditate and calm my mind before I sleep.
*hugs*
G'night
- Dep
There is simply too much in my brain and yet not enough... too much data, not enough... organization. And the number of thoughts is overwhelming at times. Only by not thinking... which I can only do when I have something else to focus on (school is always good) can I seem coherant at all. Otherwise I'm just a random person searching for answers I don't have and probably don't exist.
At least I'm not the only person with such questions. I used to think I was, seeing all these stable people around me who don't have the questions, who don't look for answers and who don't think about things to the point I do. Recent conversations with Eve have shown me that this isn't so... not a great help but a bit of one.
I was hoping to get one thing off my mind tonight, with a conversation with Andarta, but that is apparently not to be taking place... perhaps tomorrow. *shrugs*
Somedays I hate myself and the coward I can be, especially when faced with very personal conversations... it's not that I fear them, its that I fear the reaction... the pain that it could cause... ruining a friendship in pursuit of something greater.
And I know... I know only too well that if you don't say something, then you have no chances what so ever and all those things I fear could come to pass anyways.
Its so frustrating to have all these dreams... dare I say hopes? I really know what you mean Eve, when you speak of not daring to hope, only to dream. I have the dreams and the secret hope. But its so frustrating to dream and secretly hope... and yet always have this fear of opening up to somebody... of being rejected... again.
So what am I to do?
Keep on trying to think of other things in the hopes of distracting myself and hope that someday, I find somebody I can really open up to and not have these fears about... which has happened... twice... well maybe.
Anyways, enough of my random thoughts. I'm going to meditate and calm my mind before I sleep.
*hugs*
G'night
- Dep
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Random Stuff
Hey guys,
I know I've been rather cryptic in my comments as of late. As usual, there's a reason... I fear that they might be taken the wrong way, that they might be asking too much, too soon. When combined with recent poems, the person in question (who does read) knows who she is. On the advice of a friend, I'm going to drop the topic in my head, since I know it can't go anywhere in the near future... the situation just isn't right and that is something I've realized in my thoughts... there needs to be time, time to build the relationship, the trust and the friendship back up - time in person especially - before we can really begin to rebuild the actual relationship. And *shrugs* that is her wish apparently as well. I can't deny the feelings though... I hope she knows that and how much I care.
Yeah, I'm a wuss for not coming out and talking about it, but *shrugs* I'm open to talking about it if she wants, she knows this and knows the next move is hers, if there is to be a next move.
Alright, on to other things.
Mild infection with the wisdoms, its a bit painful especially with the stress of going to school on it, but its manageable with the painkillers.
Back to PTY tomorrow, mildly excited since its been two weeks.
Yada, yada, yada
Anyways, I've class at 8, so I'm gone
*hugs to y'all*
Later
- Rob
I know I've been rather cryptic in my comments as of late. As usual, there's a reason... I fear that they might be taken the wrong way, that they might be asking too much, too soon. When combined with recent poems, the person in question (who does read) knows who she is. On the advice of a friend, I'm going to drop the topic in my head, since I know it can't go anywhere in the near future... the situation just isn't right and that is something I've realized in my thoughts... there needs to be time, time to build the relationship, the trust and the friendship back up - time in person especially - before we can really begin to rebuild the actual relationship. And *shrugs* that is her wish apparently as well. I can't deny the feelings though... I hope she knows that and how much I care.
Yeah, I'm a wuss for not coming out and talking about it, but *shrugs* I'm open to talking about it if she wants, she knows this and knows the next move is hers, if there is to be a next move.
Alright, on to other things.
Mild infection with the wisdoms, its a bit painful especially with the stress of going to school on it, but its manageable with the painkillers.
Back to PTY tomorrow, mildly excited since its been two weeks.
Yada, yada, yada
Anyways, I've class at 8, so I'm gone
*hugs to y'all*
Later
- Rob
Sunday, March 05, 2006
W00t! Hell, here I come!
Hey Ashley! I'm in the level just above you! Feel free to come visit, perhaps we can have a party!
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Very High |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | Very High |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | High |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | Extreme |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Extreme |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Extreme |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | Very High |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Very High |
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
More Interesting Inner Turmoil
I've come to realize, through the years and many conversations with James, that I always possess the right answers... or rather that there aren't any right answers persay. Rather that there exist many choices, each with its pros and its cons. And that I know, deep inside, what I want out of life, where I want to be and what makes me happy.
Perhaps his statement that 'happiness is a choice' makes more sense now. I so often choose the path of pain and misery... well because I...
Vicki and I once had a conversation about why she chooses a darker path... and I think I came to the conclusion based on her rather cryptic statements (those of you who know her know she's never really open about things like that) that its a matter of comfort, which is something I've come to understand. You're not happy, you're comfortable.
And so I was once comfortable alone but always wanting. And I realized that that was one of the problems in my relationship with Courtney. I was used to a life of being alone but always having a person to think about and try for, until they rejected me (which was inevitable at the time) and I switched people. And of course, always in the back of my mind were the few people who burrowed into my brain and stuck there - namely Vicki.
But Courtney came along and everything changed. The immediate joy was undescribable... I mean you have to understand my position. The first real love in my life was Vicki, when we were kids... she's been in my heart ever since. But after that ended on confused terms (even I don't remember what happened), my life has just been failing after failing... and sure you can try and justify it with my academic success, top in my class with Math award after Math award and the honor roll... I graduated with an 89% overall, having been on the honor roll 19/20 terms of my 5 year high school career (the one I missed, I got a 79 needing an 80). Sure I was the heart of the band, a whiz with computers... thats never been what my life was about. Its what I'm good at and perhaps that makes me take my skills for granted... but always the focus of my life has been the search for love. I'm really a romantic inside... I have a tough shell, I know... I'm distant from people I don't like or don't know, I tend to be really nervous and flakey around people who I find intimidating or people I like but don't feel close enough. Even around my closest friends, I'm a bit closed... but inside there's just so many things, so many feelings, and I'm sure some of you... especially Courtney and Sarah and perhaps even Vicki (and you Freya) know of that side of me. But yes, up to that point, it had been failing after failing, mostly because I just didn't know how to behave in society... I'd been a reject all my life and was a reject right up until this year, though I gained some social acceptance a few years ago (the group of rejects... yeah, that's my group, we're the greatest lol). I honestly believe the people society rejects are among the worst and best people. Society gets rid of the extremes - either they're the people too fucked up to belong in society (like murderers, child molesters, etc) or they're the people who are beyond society. But yes... failing after failing and in a state of extreme depression because just nothing worked. And then I met Courtney and we had a wonderful night together and things exploded and sparked (feel free to read my journal entries from May 2004).
And after that settled down, after the initial up feeling of finding somebody, I was left in a limbo. Obviously I had no more cause to continue searching or being alone. But neither did I have soemthing to replace that with, because Courtney and I lived so far away. And so I was left a bit confused, because I didn't think I should be feeling sad, but yet... she just wasn't here and thats a really saddening thought for me.
And as I worked through the confused mess of feelings, I went through all sorts of highs and lows... I had thoughts about breaking it off. The turning point was Daren's birthday party... I'm sure he remembers, especially me hitting on his cousin (Casey isn't it?) while mildly drunk.
It was a matter of comfort. I was comfortable in my old way of life. I was in a situation which demanded a new way of life but also demanded a lot of... I don't know, work? Its not quite the word... it needed effort to maintain this new way of life since we lived in different cities, different provinces (thousand miles away) and so I had nothing to fall back on when I was feeling lonely but my own thoughts and MSN Messenger (And the occasion phone conversation). And MSN Messenger is no substitute for a human being. So I walked that line and occasionally fell back into my old way of thinking, which led to Sarah and I. I don't think anybody except Daren knows how big of a dilemna it was to me - he was the only one I talked to about the whole thing and all my fears and concerns. Being unfaithful left such an awful taste in my mouth and its something I know I will never repeat. Plus Sarah and I had problems understanding each other, since we were from two mildly different social worlds/schools of thought (Which had its advantages). But Sarah... Sarah was here. And this proves my comfortable theory because with Sarah I was able to remove myself from my old way of thinking (alone and searching) and put myself into a new one. And I don't think it was because Sarah is better than Courtney or the feelings I had were that much different... its just that Sarah had the opportunity to help me when I was down, to spend the time together and actually change the way I did things in my day to day life... she was fully a part of my life. And there were feelings for her... I will never deny that, nor that given different circumstances, I think it could have gone further. But I had feelings for Courtney and I won't deny that either.
The comfort shock, to coin a term, came again once it all ended. I was used to being in a relationship, a serious one at that, and after it all came apart... I was lost. I didn't know what to do with my time, since I had spent so much with her. I didn't know what to do with my thoughts or my feelings. And it all came out wrong and I made things worse probably. It took some getting used to.
What a ramble. This was supposed to be short.
I don't even think I have a point. I have so many choices now, and I don't even know what options are open to me. There are a number of people I like, a few that I would seriously consider a serious relationship with (a couple of those live too far away to seriously consider one... as much as I'd love to, I really don't want a repeat of Courtney and it would take a lot to talk me into believing that it wouldn't happen again) and a few I'd just like to rape (To steal your word Eve :P), perhaps on a regular basis even ;).
I feel overloaded with choices and possibilities. I also have some severe reservations about some things... for instance, as much as Courtney would be welcome back in my life, I wonder if we actually can bond with a long distance relationship, if she has the time to see me even a couple of times a year and if we can solve the problems we faced in the past especially the one where I lose hope and cheat on her - all those would need to be talked about. I wonder about Vicki and if we could ever beat the problems between us... the fact that we're so different yet so alike in some ways, our problems communicating... I wonder about all the people who don't know or the people whom I've told in the past and just been silent about it... I wonder what they would say if I asked, if I actually made it clear I was interested.... Karen, Jaz, Robyn among others (some of whom read this and so will be left off the list :P I'm sure you know whom you are). I wonder if anything long distance is ever possible, given no previous time with the person and I really doubt it.
And then I wonder if my answer is still out there, an unknown person walking the Earth whom I won't find til later.
How do we know what is the right path?
And of course the answer, which brings this whole journal entry in a loop, is that there is none. That there are only choices.
Some of the lessons I've learned are that we need to make choices... we can't waver very long or we risk losing it all. We can't hide our fears, our feelings, our doubt nor our love. We need to show it, we need to talk about it, we need to express it and deal with it if need be. Otherwise... it could just all go away and you will never know whether or not something was possible.
There continues to be much on my brain, especially given recent conversations with friends.
Thank you again, Eve, for asking - I know a lot of what I said is mildly confusing since you weren't a part of my life while a lot of this was going on... and I know I haven't really explained it either lol, since it gets really old in my head with it constantly turning over. Perhaps one day, we can just sit and talk of all things that we have made cryptic references to.
And thank you to my other friends whom have been there in the past - I know you get tired of reading long entries, but I thank you for all you have done.
I sleep now.
*hugs*
- Dep
Perhaps his statement that 'happiness is a choice' makes more sense now. I so often choose the path of pain and misery... well because I...
Vicki and I once had a conversation about why she chooses a darker path... and I think I came to the conclusion based on her rather cryptic statements (those of you who know her know she's never really open about things like that) that its a matter of comfort, which is something I've come to understand. You're not happy, you're comfortable.
And so I was once comfortable alone but always wanting. And I realized that that was one of the problems in my relationship with Courtney. I was used to a life of being alone but always having a person to think about and try for, until they rejected me (which was inevitable at the time) and I switched people. And of course, always in the back of my mind were the few people who burrowed into my brain and stuck there - namely Vicki.
But Courtney came along and everything changed. The immediate joy was undescribable... I mean you have to understand my position. The first real love in my life was Vicki, when we were kids... she's been in my heart ever since. But after that ended on confused terms (even I don't remember what happened), my life has just been failing after failing... and sure you can try and justify it with my academic success, top in my class with Math award after Math award and the honor roll... I graduated with an 89% overall, having been on the honor roll 19/20 terms of my 5 year high school career (the one I missed, I got a 79 needing an 80). Sure I was the heart of the band, a whiz with computers... thats never been what my life was about. Its what I'm good at and perhaps that makes me take my skills for granted... but always the focus of my life has been the search for love. I'm really a romantic inside... I have a tough shell, I know... I'm distant from people I don't like or don't know, I tend to be really nervous and flakey around people who I find intimidating or people I like but don't feel close enough. Even around my closest friends, I'm a bit closed... but inside there's just so many things, so many feelings, and I'm sure some of you... especially Courtney and Sarah and perhaps even Vicki (and you Freya) know of that side of me. But yes, up to that point, it had been failing after failing, mostly because I just didn't know how to behave in society... I'd been a reject all my life and was a reject right up until this year, though I gained some social acceptance a few years ago (the group of rejects... yeah, that's my group, we're the greatest lol). I honestly believe the people society rejects are among the worst and best people. Society gets rid of the extremes - either they're the people too fucked up to belong in society (like murderers, child molesters, etc) or they're the people who are beyond society. But yes... failing after failing and in a state of extreme depression because just nothing worked. And then I met Courtney and we had a wonderful night together and things exploded and sparked (feel free to read my journal entries from May 2004).
And after that settled down, after the initial up feeling of finding somebody, I was left in a limbo. Obviously I had no more cause to continue searching or being alone. But neither did I have soemthing to replace that with, because Courtney and I lived so far away. And so I was left a bit confused, because I didn't think I should be feeling sad, but yet... she just wasn't here and thats a really saddening thought for me.
And as I worked through the confused mess of feelings, I went through all sorts of highs and lows... I had thoughts about breaking it off. The turning point was Daren's birthday party... I'm sure he remembers, especially me hitting on his cousin (Casey isn't it?) while mildly drunk.
It was a matter of comfort. I was comfortable in my old way of life. I was in a situation which demanded a new way of life but also demanded a lot of... I don't know, work? Its not quite the word... it needed effort to maintain this new way of life since we lived in different cities, different provinces (thousand miles away) and so I had nothing to fall back on when I was feeling lonely but my own thoughts and MSN Messenger (And the occasion phone conversation). And MSN Messenger is no substitute for a human being. So I walked that line and occasionally fell back into my old way of thinking, which led to Sarah and I. I don't think anybody except Daren knows how big of a dilemna it was to me - he was the only one I talked to about the whole thing and all my fears and concerns. Being unfaithful left such an awful taste in my mouth and its something I know I will never repeat. Plus Sarah and I had problems understanding each other, since we were from two mildly different social worlds/schools of thought (Which had its advantages). But Sarah... Sarah was here. And this proves my comfortable theory because with Sarah I was able to remove myself from my old way of thinking (alone and searching) and put myself into a new one. And I don't think it was because Sarah is better than Courtney or the feelings I had were that much different... its just that Sarah had the opportunity to help me when I was down, to spend the time together and actually change the way I did things in my day to day life... she was fully a part of my life. And there were feelings for her... I will never deny that, nor that given different circumstances, I think it could have gone further. But I had feelings for Courtney and I won't deny that either.
The comfort shock, to coin a term, came again once it all ended. I was used to being in a relationship, a serious one at that, and after it all came apart... I was lost. I didn't know what to do with my time, since I had spent so much with her. I didn't know what to do with my thoughts or my feelings. And it all came out wrong and I made things worse probably. It took some getting used to.
What a ramble. This was supposed to be short.
I don't even think I have a point. I have so many choices now, and I don't even know what options are open to me. There are a number of people I like, a few that I would seriously consider a serious relationship with (a couple of those live too far away to seriously consider one... as much as I'd love to, I really don't want a repeat of Courtney and it would take a lot to talk me into believing that it wouldn't happen again) and a few I'd just like to rape (To steal your word Eve :P), perhaps on a regular basis even ;).
I feel overloaded with choices and possibilities. I also have some severe reservations about some things... for instance, as much as Courtney would be welcome back in my life, I wonder if we actually can bond with a long distance relationship, if she has the time to see me even a couple of times a year and if we can solve the problems we faced in the past especially the one where I lose hope and cheat on her - all those would need to be talked about. I wonder about Vicki and if we could ever beat the problems between us... the fact that we're so different yet so alike in some ways, our problems communicating... I wonder about all the people who don't know or the people whom I've told in the past and just been silent about it... I wonder what they would say if I asked, if I actually made it clear I was interested.... Karen, Jaz, Robyn among others (some of whom read this and so will be left off the list :P I'm sure you know whom you are). I wonder if anything long distance is ever possible, given no previous time with the person and I really doubt it.
And then I wonder if my answer is still out there, an unknown person walking the Earth whom I won't find til later.
How do we know what is the right path?
And of course the answer, which brings this whole journal entry in a loop, is that there is none. That there are only choices.
Some of the lessons I've learned are that we need to make choices... we can't waver very long or we risk losing it all. We can't hide our fears, our feelings, our doubt nor our love. We need to show it, we need to talk about it, we need to express it and deal with it if need be. Otherwise... it could just all go away and you will never know whether or not something was possible.
There continues to be much on my brain, especially given recent conversations with friends.
Thank you again, Eve, for asking - I know a lot of what I said is mildly confusing since you weren't a part of my life while a lot of this was going on... and I know I haven't really explained it either lol, since it gets really old in my head with it constantly turning over. Perhaps one day, we can just sit and talk of all things that we have made cryptic references to.
And thank you to my other friends whom have been there in the past - I know you get tired of reading long entries, but I thank you for all you have done.
I sleep now.
*hugs*
- Dep
Friday, March 03, 2006
Blinded by the fire and the sorrow of the day
Current Music: Land Of The Miracle (Edguy)
Current Mood: Wtf, mate
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I risk sounding repetative if I talk about whats on my mind, especially as it would be a bit hypocritical...
Perhaps once I return to school, I can speak to somebody there... if anyone is left whom understands. So many have left.
So I won't.
Instead, my apologies to many people. Eve I haven't forgotten my personification nor your worst torture question - they've just been on the back of my mind instead of the front as of late. Sometime this weekend. I hope.
I'm sure I'm forgetting other things.
I want to write poetry so badly, but nothings coming to me. It's all been said before, and I'm just rehashing this, trying to find another way to say whats instead... trying to express that darkness, that hope, those feelings, the controlled insanity.
I sleep now... or maybe to write I hope.
Goodnight all
Current Mood: Wtf, mate
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I risk sounding repetative if I talk about whats on my mind, especially as it would be a bit hypocritical...
Perhaps once I return to school, I can speak to somebody there... if anyone is left whom understands. So many have left.
So I won't.
Instead, my apologies to many people. Eve I haven't forgotten my personification nor your worst torture question - they've just been on the back of my mind instead of the front as of late. Sometime this weekend. I hope.
I'm sure I'm forgetting other things.
I want to write poetry so badly, but nothings coming to me. It's all been said before, and I'm just rehashing this, trying to find another way to say whats instead... trying to express that darkness, that hope, those feelings, the controlled insanity.
I sleep now... or maybe to write I hope.
Goodnight all
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Brain Torturing Thoughts
Definately time to write poetry.
My mind won't shut up. It was silent for so many months and now its all come back, the what ifs, the feelings, the emotions, the evil plots... its that damn song.
But what if there are such things as miracles, second chances to those who deserve none (such as I) and love really can make us fly?
Definatel time to write some poetry.
My mind won't shut up. It was silent for so many months and now its all come back, the what ifs, the feelings, the emotions, the evil plots... its that damn song.
But what if there are such things as miracles, second chances to those who deserve none (such as I) and love really can make us fly?
Definatel time to write some poetry.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
More Random Junk
Wisdom teeth came out today. Operation went fine, no complications. It's hard to talk or eat and impossible to open my mouth beyond a little bit. Thank god for the internet where I can still express myself - how crazy people must have gone before computers. My whole head hurts still and I'm trying to take it easy.
Needless to say, I had a lot of time to think today and definitately realized the renewal of something I long thought dead within myself. Perhaps enough time has gone by, the pain been healed and our lessons learned to consider that path again... but things must go slowly.
I need time to think, there has been much going on as of late. I may post about it soon.
*hugs*
- Dep
Needless to say, I had a lot of time to think today and definitately realized the renewal of something I long thought dead within myself. Perhaps enough time has gone by, the pain been healed and our lessons learned to consider that path again... but things must go slowly.
I need time to think, there has been much going on as of late. I may post about it soon.
*hugs*
- Dep
