Friday, March 10, 2006
Unknown
Watching random anime shows and have had this screen open for an hour thinking of what to write.
There is simply too much in my brain and yet not enough... too much data, not enough... organization. And the number of thoughts is overwhelming at times. Only by not thinking... which I can only do when I have something else to focus on (school is always good) can I seem coherant at all. Otherwise I'm just a random person searching for answers I don't have and probably don't exist.
At least I'm not the only person with such questions. I used to think I was, seeing all these stable people around me who don't have the questions, who don't look for answers and who don't think about things to the point I do. Recent conversations with Eve have shown me that this isn't so... not a great help but a bit of one.
I was hoping to get one thing off my mind tonight, with a conversation with Andarta, but that is apparently not to be taking place... perhaps tomorrow. *shrugs*
Somedays I hate myself and the coward I can be, especially when faced with very personal conversations... it's not that I fear them, its that I fear the reaction... the pain that it could cause... ruining a friendship in pursuit of something greater.
And I know... I know only too well that if you don't say something, then you have no chances what so ever and all those things I fear could come to pass anyways.
Its so frustrating to have all these dreams... dare I say hopes? I really know what you mean Eve, when you speak of not daring to hope, only to dream. I have the dreams and the secret hope. But its so frustrating to dream and secretly hope... and yet always have this fear of opening up to somebody... of being rejected... again.
So what am I to do?
Keep on trying to think of other things in the hopes of distracting myself and hope that someday, I find somebody I can really open up to and not have these fears about... which has happened... twice... well maybe.
Anyways, enough of my random thoughts. I'm going to meditate and calm my mind before I sleep.
*hugs*
G'night
- Dep
There is simply too much in my brain and yet not enough... too much data, not enough... organization. And the number of thoughts is overwhelming at times. Only by not thinking... which I can only do when I have something else to focus on (school is always good) can I seem coherant at all. Otherwise I'm just a random person searching for answers I don't have and probably don't exist.
At least I'm not the only person with such questions. I used to think I was, seeing all these stable people around me who don't have the questions, who don't look for answers and who don't think about things to the point I do. Recent conversations with Eve have shown me that this isn't so... not a great help but a bit of one.
I was hoping to get one thing off my mind tonight, with a conversation with Andarta, but that is apparently not to be taking place... perhaps tomorrow. *shrugs*
Somedays I hate myself and the coward I can be, especially when faced with very personal conversations... it's not that I fear them, its that I fear the reaction... the pain that it could cause... ruining a friendship in pursuit of something greater.
And I know... I know only too well that if you don't say something, then you have no chances what so ever and all those things I fear could come to pass anyways.
Its so frustrating to have all these dreams... dare I say hopes? I really know what you mean Eve, when you speak of not daring to hope, only to dream. I have the dreams and the secret hope. But its so frustrating to dream and secretly hope... and yet always have this fear of opening up to somebody... of being rejected... again.
So what am I to do?
Keep on trying to think of other things in the hopes of distracting myself and hope that someday, I find somebody I can really open up to and not have these fears about... which has happened... twice... well maybe.
Anyways, enough of my random thoughts. I'm going to meditate and calm my mind before I sleep.
*hugs*
G'night
- Dep
// posted by Dep @ 9:32:00 p.m.
