Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

I've come to realize, through the years and many conversations with James, that I always possess the right answers... or rather that there aren't any right answers persay. Rather that there exist many choices, each with its pros and its cons. And that I know, deep inside, what I want out of life, where I want to be and what makes me happy.

Perhaps his statement that 'happiness is a choice' makes more sense now. I so often choose the path of pain and misery... well because I...

Vicki and I once had a conversation about why she chooses a darker path... and I think I came to the conclusion based on her rather cryptic statements (those of you who know her know she's never really open about things like that) that its a matter of comfort, which is something I've come to understand. You're not happy, you're comfortable.

And so I was once comfortable alone but always wanting. And I realized that that was one of the problems in my relationship with Courtney. I was used to a life of being alone but always having a person to think about and try for, until they rejected me (which was inevitable at the time) and I switched people. And of course, always in the back of my mind were the few people who burrowed into my brain and stuck there - namely Vicki.

But Courtney came along and everything changed. The immediate joy was undescribable... I mean you have to understand my position. The first real love in my life was Vicki, when we were kids... she's been in my heart ever since. But after that ended on confused terms (even I don't remember what happened), my life has just been failing after failing... and sure you can try and justify it with my academic success, top in my class with Math award after Math award and the honor roll... I graduated with an 89% overall, having been on the honor roll 19/20 terms of my 5 year high school career (the one I missed, I got a 79 needing an 80). Sure I was the heart of the band, a whiz with computers... thats never been what my life was about. Its what I'm good at and perhaps that makes me take my skills for granted... but always the focus of my life has been the search for love. I'm really a romantic inside... I have a tough shell, I know... I'm distant from people I don't like or don't know, I tend to be really nervous and flakey around people who I find intimidating or people I like but don't feel close enough. Even around my closest friends, I'm a bit closed... but inside there's just so many things, so many feelings, and I'm sure some of you... especially Courtney and Sarah and perhaps even Vicki (and you Freya) know of that side of me. But yes, up to that point, it had been failing after failing, mostly because I just didn't know how to behave in society... I'd been a reject all my life and was a reject right up until this year, though I gained some social acceptance a few years ago (the group of rejects... yeah, that's my group, we're the greatest lol). I honestly believe the people society rejects are among the worst and best people. Society gets rid of the extremes - either they're the people too fucked up to belong in society (like murderers, child molesters, etc) or they're the people who are beyond society. But yes... failing after failing and in a state of extreme depression because just nothing worked. And then I met Courtney and we had a wonderful night together and things exploded and sparked (feel free to read my journal entries from May 2004).

And after that settled down, after the initial up feeling of finding somebody, I was left in a limbo. Obviously I had no more cause to continue searching or being alone. But neither did I have soemthing to replace that with, because Courtney and I lived so far away. And so I was left a bit confused, because I didn't think I should be feeling sad, but yet... she just wasn't here and thats a really saddening thought for me.

And as I worked through the confused mess of feelings, I went through all sorts of highs and lows... I had thoughts about breaking it off. The turning point was Daren's birthday party... I'm sure he remembers, especially me hitting on his cousin (Casey isn't it?) while mildly drunk.

It was a matter of comfort. I was comfortable in my old way of life. I was in a situation which demanded a new way of life but also demanded a lot of... I don't know, work? Its not quite the word... it needed effort to maintain this new way of life since we lived in different cities, different provinces (thousand miles away) and so I had nothing to fall back on when I was feeling lonely but my own thoughts and MSN Messenger (And the occasion phone conversation). And MSN Messenger is no substitute for a human being. So I walked that line and occasionally fell back into my old way of thinking, which led to Sarah and I. I don't think anybody except Daren knows how big of a dilemna it was to me - he was the only one I talked to about the whole thing and all my fears and concerns. Being unfaithful left such an awful taste in my mouth and its something I know I will never repeat. Plus Sarah and I had problems understanding each other, since we were from two mildly different social worlds/schools of thought (Which had its advantages). But Sarah... Sarah was here. And this proves my comfortable theory because with Sarah I was able to remove myself from my old way of thinking (alone and searching) and put myself into a new one. And I don't think it was because Sarah is better than Courtney or the feelings I had were that much different... its just that Sarah had the opportunity to help me when I was down, to spend the time together and actually change the way I did things in my day to day life... she was fully a part of my life. And there were feelings for her... I will never deny that, nor that given different circumstances, I think it could have gone further. But I had feelings for Courtney and I won't deny that either.

The comfort shock, to coin a term, came again once it all ended. I was used to being in a relationship, a serious one at that, and after it all came apart... I was lost. I didn't know what to do with my time, since I had spent so much with her. I didn't know what to do with my thoughts or my feelings. And it all came out wrong and I made things worse probably. It took some getting used to.

What a ramble. This was supposed to be short.

I don't even think I have a point. I have so many choices now, and I don't even know what options are open to me. There are a number of people I like, a few that I would seriously consider a serious relationship with (a couple of those live too far away to seriously consider one... as much as I'd love to, I really don't want a repeat of Courtney and it would take a lot to talk me into believing that it wouldn't happen again) and a few I'd just like to rape (To steal your word Eve :P), perhaps on a regular basis even ;).

I feel overloaded with choices and possibilities. I also have some severe reservations about some things... for instance, as much as Courtney would be welcome back in my life, I wonder if we actually can bond with a long distance relationship, if she has the time to see me even a couple of times a year and if we can solve the problems we faced in the past especially the one where I lose hope and cheat on her - all those would need to be talked about. I wonder about Vicki and if we could ever beat the problems between us... the fact that we're so different yet so alike in some ways, our problems communicating... I wonder about all the people who don't know or the people whom I've told in the past and just been silent about it... I wonder what they would say if I asked, if I actually made it clear I was interested.... Karen, Jaz, Robyn among others (some of whom read this and so will be left off the list :P I'm sure you know whom you are). I wonder if anything long distance is ever possible, given no previous time with the person and I really doubt it.

And then I wonder if my answer is still out there, an unknown person walking the Earth whom I won't find til later.

How do we know what is the right path?

And of course the answer, which brings this whole journal entry in a loop, is that there is none. That there are only choices.

Some of the lessons I've learned are that we need to make choices... we can't waver very long or we risk losing it all. We can't hide our fears, our feelings, our doubt nor our love. We need to show it, we need to talk about it, we need to express it and deal with it if need be. Otherwise... it could just all go away and you will never know whether or not something was possible.

There continues to be much on my brain, especially given recent conversations with friends.

Thank you again, Eve, for asking - I know a lot of what I said is mildly confusing since you weren't a part of my life while a lot of this was going on... and I know I haven't really explained it either lol, since it gets really old in my head with it constantly turning over. Perhaps one day, we can just sit and talk of all things that we have made cryptic references to.

And thank you to my other friends whom have been there in the past - I know you get tired of reading long entries, but I thank you for all you have done.

I sleep now.

*hugs*

- Dep