Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

well... let's start with yesterday.

Yesterday Scorpi talked to dark angel about something. I don't know what they said, but scorpi later told me that something unexpected was going to happen and then said probably within a month.

After learning what I did on wensday night/thursday morning and having heard this from scorpi, i came to a conclusion. That long conversation was a very good sign, she doesn't hate me and indeed would have to like me to talk with me on the phone for that long. So... "something unexpected"? To be sure, I will have to wait and see BUT my guess is that her answer to my question is going to be yes. So... with this little bit of hope, I am now even more firmly devoted to my path. But the day wasn't over yet.

At lunch, I had a tarot card reading done by a friend of mine. If you believe in them (And I am starting to, because they've been right too often... it's freaky now.) then here's what they had to say about vicki. Past -> Confusion about an emotion of some sort (The Moon if anybody is well versed in them.). Present -> Something has recently changed. (Death). Future -> Getting what you deserve (Three of Pentacles).

So this is how I interpret these meanings. Past -> I was confused about my feelings for vicki and her feelings (if any for me). Present -> This refers to an event of which I know and of which I am not going to speak of. It's complex and may not be understood by everyone. But it's a change either of her seeing me as a better partner for her or of me changing my idea of what a relationship should be. Future -> Nobody can predict the future 100% of the time. I cannot say for sure what this means. But in the context there are two possible meanings. 1) dark angel and i will be dating again. 2) if you believe i deserve somebody better than her (like scrabble does) then this means i will find that other person.

but to be quite honest... i don't think it's a matter of deserving somebody... more of a matter of wanting somebody.

*shrugs* anyways, three good signs in less that three days. what more could I ask for, except a certainty (and we all know there are no certainties in life.)

so anyways... we will see what the future holds.

later all.

i called vicki last night, and talked to her the rest of the night and about 4 hours of the morning as well.

her mom was in a pissy mood apparently, so we're going to wait. i'm going to call her later tonight and ask her to make sure she's coming tomorrow morning and also to ask her if i can go over to her place on the PD day we have coming up (as that would be one of the best times in my opinion.)

anyways. last night i learned a lot of new things about her, it was all interesting and has helped me understand her better. Still a long way from understanding her as well as I'd like but a little bit is okay for now.

*shrugs*

nothing much new today that i can talk about now. After I talk with vicki and recieve an answer I'll be posting a big one but... until then, everything that could be said, has been said.

Btw, I posted a new letter for the three of you who have the addres. You know what i'm talking about.

And I may be posting more poetry later tonight on my other blog. The link is over there.

Thanks all for reading. Later.

i skipped band today, came home early. why? i wanted to talk with vicki, because we didnt get a chance to earlier in the day. I suspect now that we won't get a chance to on the bus, so i've asked her to ask her mom if i can go over to her place tomorrow after school. *crosses fingers*

this has been too long in the making.

i should know more by later tonight, so i'll post again later, a long one, with some of the details.

later.

tomorrow is the day. today there were some difficulties, but we're trying our best for tomorrow. i talked to vicki earlier today and asked her to try hard to be there today and apologized for missing the bus today.

i really don't know what more to say about this matter. it's gone on too long... i really want to get this over with, one day or another. So tomorrow it IS going to happen.

*sigh*

anyways... farewell for now. i have nothing more to say tonight... i will post tomorrow if i talk with her. if i dont, then i may not post unless something big happens tomorrow.

later.

you know... there are days i take things way too seriously.

i know i often... am overly dramatic about the effects that other people can have on my life. In the end, I always survive and move on. I just don't like being alone. I want somebody really special to me whom I can spend time with and explore things with. Many people don't understand this... they think it's an obsession... they think it's being emotionally dependant or needing somebody. I don't think of it as needing somebody to love. I think of it as loving somebody and then... needing to keep it going. I've seen what it's like and I don't like being without it. It's not going to kill me, but it won't do me any good.

So... I'm sorry if you people think it's an obsession. I just take my relationships really really seriously.

Recently I have begun to realize that maybe vicki and I wouldn't work. I still think it can, if we both work at it but... there are better people out there for me. And that's what this blog is about... one of those people who is very dear to me and I think she knows.

She's waiting while I write this for me to finish so that she can read this. Now you know who you are, but i'm not going to give her name.

We have similar ideas on a lot of things. Like sex. Recently we just had a conversation about it and our ideas turned out to be very similar. Now with some people I fake my ideas to be like theirs. But in this case, our opinions are the same... i'm not just sayhing it.

We want much the same thing out of a relationship from what I've seen. Some fooling around and some romantic things.

We are similar... maybe not exactly the same, but in the ways that count, we are similar.

So few people like me.

And to be honest... I do have feeligns for her. How deep they run I do not know... it takes time to find out that. But they could run quite deep.

The title of this is "Things which cannot be." well... this is apparently one of those things.

For her... I think right now I would tear off my necklace, forswear vicki forever and go be with her.

But that may be me needing somebody... see above if you forget that part.

In any case... I have her opinion on the subject. A firm no.

some things in life I can't change no matter how much i really really really really really really really really really really want to.

and i do... i wish she liked me in that way... i really do because then i'd finally have what i've always wanted in a relationship... but...

There are things in this world whichcannot be.

I'm sorry... I had to get that off my chest... and a few other things.

I'm still planning to talk to vicki tomorrow. I'm just... i guess i'm giving her one last time to change her mind, even though I know she's not going to (btw... if you haven't, can we just ignore I wrote this please?)

But it's all true. I don't lie in here.

Anyways... I'm going upstairs, read a book and listen to music.

g'night all.

dep

today i had a moment of weakness and considered dating somebody... i've now pretty much rejected that idea.

because honestly... it's like this.

there are a few aspects to my idea of a perfect relationship.

one is having intelligent conversation, philosophy perhaps or even just ideas about life. going out to movies, romantic dinners and all the other similar things...

then... the dirty side of me... hot kinky sex.

i've yet to find the perfect combination of the two.... but i must be patient

which is why i shouldn't date somebody just because they enjoy the same form of pleasure that i do.

and why i must keep trying for perfection... well not perfection, but something close.

*sigh*

tomorrow i am going to ask vicki what she wants me to do. it's been too long in the making, but i['ve made all the arrangements for partial privacy and the right people to be there. it is going to happen, i am going to ask. i'm not going to pressure her into giving me an answer... she can have all the time she wants. but this is the last time i'm going to ask her. if she says no, i will learn to live without her.

i'm starting to believe the people who say i'm not ugly... who say i'm sweet and kind.

heh... thats one side...

ah well

i'll find somebody one day. there has to be at least one woman in the world who likes a kinky romantic like me...

anyways...

farewell all.

As of today, I am no longer even thinking about updating my website. It's just too much of a hassle to read with the stupid banner ads. I want popups or no ads at all. But can't have everything. So as of today, you can read my latest poetry (and I've already added everything after I stopped updating my website) at Dep's Poems (A Blog).

The URL for that is http://depspoems.blogspot.com

As for news... I didn't get a chance to speak with vicki about a date yesterday, so I will be talking with her about it sunday night at bowling or, at the latest tuesday morning.

Exams went well this week. Passed all of them.

Applications for CEGEP are due before March 1st and I can send mine out February 2nd (after I get my report card.)

Nothing special happening really... except for the thing with vicki which I will wait till later to speak about.

Later all.

(GO READ THE POEMS LOL)

going upstairs to read in a little bit.

exams are going fine.

i've asked vicki to pick a date... going to bug her more about it tomorrow and try and get a definate answer.

anyways... later all

it's been almost a week since i blogged... yes yes, bitch away.

despite my witty entrance, i am not in the best of moods.

perhaps it's because of my current playlist... "Here Without You" (Three Doors Down), "Misery" (Moffats), "Jaded" (Mest) and "Wake Me Up Inside" (Evanescence).

not guarenteed to put me in the best of moods but meh.

ah reasons you want? then reasons you shall have.

i empathize too much with people sometimes. It's a curse or a gift... not sure which. So when one of my good friends goes through something bad it affects me too.

DDM and scrabble... ask me tomorrow if you're reading this and i'll tell you (I know moe reads this and other people so i will refrain from speaking of this.)

a friend of mine just broke up with her long-term boyfriend (not freya) and she's really upset. *sigh* want to help her, say something, anything to make it all better, but in the end there is no cure for it... except lots of time and help from your friends.

as you know i have exams this week... i get thursday and friday off... plus half of tomorrow but i'm going in because i have nothing else to do... gonna bring a CD player and a book and something to write on/with.

*sigh* alright i'll talk about vicki now since everybody knows that's my problem.

i don't know. sometimes i get the feeling she's avoiding the topic and avoiding us talking about it. When I asked her if she wanted to talking about it she said "Yes and no." I don't know what that means. I have ideas, but they're all equally possible. As for the insults... I have four possibilities.

One) She really does hate me. Unlikely as she spends time with me sometimes. She can't hate me that much can she if she voluntarily spends time with me. Unless it's all an act just so that I don't get hurt.

Two) She's trying to discourage me because she really doesn't have feelings for me, just want to stay friends.

Three) It's one of those things teenagers do... friendly insults between friends.

Four) She insults me because she's afraid of getting close to me because she can get hurt and she doesn't want to be hurt again, so she's avoiding all situations which lets somebody in close to them. This fits everything I know about her and is, in my opinion, the most likely.

*sigh*

I really don't want to move on. In my heart, I know I want to be with her. When I almost made the decision to give up earlier today, I felt so... so... empty that I decided it was the wrong choice.

Because... in the end, ddm and I have that much in common. We are both emotionally dependant and have to be with soembody... DDM has his girflriend... I have no one except vicki.

So... you know what...

In the end, it doesn't matter if she loves me or if she doesn't.

It doesn't matter if I come out of it hurt

It doesn't matter what people think of me

It matters that I love her.

And so... I must try. Whether the chances are nil or 99.999%.... whether the outcome is known or not... I must try.

Because only in trying can I finally experiance complete rejection from her. And only that can truely set me free. As you've seen above there are other explanations for her actions.

Personally, I hold little hope for it. But... it is enough for me to try.

I know there are people out there who are better for me... scrabble... roots kid... scorpi... freya...

but... what more needs to be said? through time, distance, other boyfriends and them just not liking me in that way, i'm down to one.

vicki.

Yes, I know there are other people in the world, whom I haven't met.

But... I dunno maybe scrabble's right and I just don't want to be alone.

I hate being alone.

However, I have no choice. It is be alone or try for vicki. And I've been alone for many years now. I'm tired of it... tired of waiting for my chance. I think this is my chance and I'm going to take it.

She's told me so many reasons when we've broken up.

We work better as friends... too awkwards dating somebody you've known for years... i made mistakes and couldn't fix them.

I'm only human... I make mistakes.

And I can't fix them unless you TELL me that I made them.

I've started to figure some of them out though... from little hints and just from thinking about it.

I should have told her. No letters, no stories, no poems. Face to face conversation. I love you.

I should have taken the initiative rather than sitting back and waiting for her to do things. I should have called, should have invited her out on dates, should have held her, kissed her, hugged her, held her hand.

I should have told her of my dark side a lot sooner.

The little mistakes... acting naive and stupid and such... those I can't fix. I've acted that way for so long, it's become engrained as part of my personality. It'll take a long time of understanding to fix it.

But speaking of mine... she made her own.

Loving me isn't easy. It takes a lot of patience and perseverance to get past my defensive barrier and into me. Few people have done it... scrabble, freya, KoS, DDM, roots kid, scorpi. you've got to be patient and understanding when i do stupid things... i regret those almost the minute after i've done it and it's only worse when you rub it in. And you have to understand.

You have understand me. That I love... forever I guess. I can be incredibly commited to a relationship. That I have a sense of honor, try to do the right thing according to what I think is right. That sometimes when I say "i don't want to talk about this" out of the blue it means i do want to talk about it. I'm such a confusing person.

That I never force people to do things they don't want to do. This leads to me being timid about asking people to do things, because i don't want them to feel pressured. I never ask my girlfriend what they think about sex for that reason. (hell, who'd want to have sex with me in the first place --- note, by sex i mean... not intercourse but everything related. intercourse i dont know about... it's really up to the other person, because it's their risk of getting pregnant and ... okay i'm off topic.)

i dont tihnk vicki ever understood me. I don't fit a common stereotype... modern stereotype. I don't think I even fit an old stereotype. I'm my own stereotype.

*sigh*

I'm going to ask her again if she wants me to talk to her tomorrow. I'm going to insist on an answer. not a yes or a no. If she says no, then so be it. If she says yes, I'm going to ask her to set a time and then stick to it.

The words are ready.

*sigh*

Anyways... I've got some stuff to do tonight

later all

i'm now set upon my path. firmly resolved. Sorry scrabble, you can't change my mind anymore.

There have been things I have kept secret from vicki for too long. Only in the telling of them can I find peace within myself and only in the telling of them can I hope to win vicki back. With slight modifications to the plan suggested to me by scorpi (it is a great plan, only one tihng i'm going to change) i'm going to try it... with luck, next week. No details... as there are no details. Ad lib is fun.

I hope you all support me no matter the outcome. If it goes well, I'm going to make a really devoted effort to keeping her this time so I might not be aroudn as much as usual. If it goes badly... hey.

Anyways... later all.

i recieved a complaint today from a friend of mine about my decision to tell vicki. *shrugs* unfortunatly, it's my life and i'm going to have to do what I feel is right. fuck what the rest of the world thinks of me.

other than that

i'm in pain... pulled something on sunday or monday. bad news because i have a tournement coming up this sunday. *sigh* hopefully i'll feel better by then.

i can't think of much else to say tonight. i'm trying my best to find a hole in both mine and vickis exam schedules (Which means wendsday morning or thursday (any time) or friday (Any time) so that we can talk finally.

i honestly am not expecting much. i have a feeling im going to be turned down, but... hey 1 in a million chance to get a 1 in a million girl.

i like those odds.

*sigh* i think i managed to piss just about everybody off today and yesterday.

What's worse is my parents are beginning to notice that something is wrong. Have to try harder to cover it up. Christ.

Anyways, later all.

Oh yeah... Scrabble... don't be angry at me for following my own path.

isn't life wonderful?

due to recent eventss and me bitch slapping myself I have decided to tell vicki. Here's my thinking.

If she's not in love with me as most of you seem to think, then she'll turn me down. If she is however....

You see what I mean? It's a win-win scenario. Well not exactly. I won't be stuck in between this time.

As for why... alright.

Recently I had entertained hopes about dating somebody else. These hopes have been.... dashed I guess is the best word. So now... I realize I must do what I have felt all along inside. Screw what the world thinks.

Onto other things.

Recently a friend of mine told me to act my age, like a 17yo. You know... christ. I really like her. I honestly do. She reminds me a lot of myself. Except for this one comment. It makes no sense! It's possible to act like somebody you're not, but if you do, I guarentee you won't be happy. I should know, I tried it for many years of my life and it didn't work. Conforming isn't the way to go. She then went on to say something I'm sure she didn't mean and we'll try and resolve that tomorrow.

(I was deeply and gravely insulted.)

Christ. Very few friends left with me at this moment. Roots Kid and I talk a lot now but I pissed Scrabble off a while ago (And no doubt just did again with my first statement) and I just pissed scorpi off. Freya's computers broken and I never see KoS. DDM is being his usual asshole self and pissing me off. (christ, will he ever learn?)

anyways, thats my bitching for today.

Be yourself.

later

this is the hardest decision i've had to make in my life.

but... it is made.

Love isn't about the moments... its about being with a person a lot of the time. And if I can only stand her some of the time, then... would I be happy with her?

Probably not.

Could I change her? Maybe... but I am tired. Tired of life and struggles and crisises. I just want a stable relationship right now... so I am taking the cowards way out.

While she will always be in my heart, I must move on from vicki to somebody else.

She will find out tomorrow night. Her reaction may change things, but I really doubt I am going to get that reaction. I am expecting joy or neutral. If she's really sad and asks if there's anything she can do to change it...

I will have my proof.

And if she asks that, then I will probably go out with her again. But...

I doubt I'll get it.

On other matters... scorpi... well...

I'll talk about her tomorrow after bowling more but here's a brief bit.

She's like me. A lot like me... not exactly, there are differences, but her mindset is similar to my own. She's beautiful and she's intelligent.

And... I think I'm in love.

Too soon to tell.

But... I think I am.

Where it will go, I don't know. She's currently in love with a friend of mine who is not in love with her. (God do I know that feeling.)

*shrugs*
Que sera sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see

she knows... well she knows somethings.

She doesn't know a lot of what i feel for her... love yes but she doesn't know some stuff about me, like what I liek to do with my girlfriends (no you sick perv, not that :P)

hey... we'll see where it goes.

(i hope it goes somewhere... i mean that.)

ahh.. i haven't mentioned scrabble. she's got a great boyfriend now and shes got a sexy prom dress picked out.

good for her.

remnids me, i have to find something to wear for prom, but that can wait.

i may be going out for a movie later today with scorpi. she's supposed to call sometime soon.

many things are changing now.... so i guess i'll ttyl.

and wish me luck.

Is it time to move on from vicki, without bothering to ask her? I am closer to saying yes today than ever before.

But I'm not quite there.

There is a little voice inside of me telling me to talk to her. Sometimes... rarely, but sometimes, she gives hints that she wants me to talk to her about this, rather than just write a poem.

More often, she gives hints for me to forget about it.

So... what am I to do?

It's simple.

Make her tell me what she wants. If she wants me to forget about it then... i don't know. If she wants me to talk to her, then lets set a date.

It's all I can do. If she really doesn't want to talk to me, but also doesn't want to tell me no, then i'm going to keep getting pushed furthur and furthur into the future.

But... I do know now what I feel for her.

I love her.

I am not confused about this. I want to be with her... the real her, not the her that society has forced her to become. Her her.

A man can dream, can't he.

And I'm going to try very hard to make mine a reality. My only obstacle is her not having similar feelings for me.

Guess we'll answer that one soon enough.

I realized this when... I pictured us not together. Earlier today, some things that some people told me were affecting me a lot and i didn't realize until now that NOBODY has seen the side of vicki I have. Is it an act? If it is, it's a very good one. If it's not... then I want to encourage her to show it more often.

I know why she does. The reasons are long and complicated, but they are sufficient. and I know I can help her.

I know.

I know because I've been there myself. I've been in a... less-extreme version of her situation and I understand a lot of what she goes through.

However, I could be wrong.

And if I am, then there is nothing I can do and it will never work between us.

I pray I am right.

My personal opinion is that because so many bad things have happened to her throughout her life, she closed herself off to the world, trying to hide from these feelings. And now... I only hope I can still reach her. Depression is a bad thing. My only cure for it that I can give her is my love. So... just another reason to try.

And if she rejects me and tells me to go away, then I will.

I'm not going to obsess over her anymore. This will be and is the last time.

No matter how many times I've said this before, I mean it.

If it ends in the right way this time, I am taking off my necklace with the heart and doing something with it. I will not wear it again.

So many people think it's going to fail.

I honestly don't know. I don't know what vicki feels for me, or if she can feel. I don't know if she's reachable. And I don't know if she wants the kind of relationship I want.

It could go either way. It depends on whats a lie/act and what isn't. It's that simple.

And I will find out... perhaps tomorrow. Perhaps after exams. But I will find out.

No holds barred this time. If she doesn't like me the way I am, too bad.

It's love, I can't fake a part of myself for that.

Change? yes... somethings. Annoying habits, and etc.

But personality? no way in hell.

I can't think of anything more to say.

I wish she read this, so that she'd know whats coming. So that I would have less to say, but as it is, I have a lot.

If we do end up going out again, I'm going to try very hard to talk to her like I talk to freya. The problem is... she's never seemed interested in that kind of stuff. Freya and I talk alot because she asks the right questions and tells me some stuff about her too. Vicki... doesn't ask the right questions and is very closed mouthed sometimes.

All I'm praying is that when she told me she's been wanting to kiss me for two years, that wasn't a lie.

And so I leave thee with an ancient rhyme that every schoolboy and schoolgirl knows...

Starlight, starbright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight

I wish for vicki to love me

i don't know anymore.

i really don't.

On one hand... I think I'm in love with vicki. I like spending time with her.

On the other... I could be just holding on to something that isn't there. I could be lying to myself, refusing to see the bad things and why it wouldn't work.

I can't be objective about this.

The reason I asked people what I should do was because I actually wanted them to answer a slightly different question. Am I lying to myself about vicki?

Nobody can answer that one can they.

I don't know... I'm going to be honest and delve deep into the past.

A friend of mine (no names) was dating somebody. He treated her badly... very badly, ignoring her and doing stupid shit. It endly badly and she was hurt physically by him. But... even though I and others pointed this out to her, she continued along this path (before it ended) because she claimed to be in love. I am worried that I am doing the same thing.... but I don't know for sure. I don't know anymore... I know vicki can be a great caring person at times... but... gods, it's so hard to know what to do.

For now, I'm going to ask to talk with her. This may just be my inherent ability to question everything I thing come back to me.

But... if you think I'm doing the wrong thing, please tell me. I will try and listen. I don't know if I can accept it yet. I'm... i'm hoping vicki will make my decision for me, if she says no, then thats that. If she says yes, then I will see how well our relationship goes and I may end up breaking it off myself. But... grrr....

It's hard to wait so many years for something and then start to question everything about it.

grrr

I want to be with the good side of her. I know that.

I love the good side of her. Parts of the bad side, I wish I could change.

Perhaps all it takes is love to bring out the good side. I certainly don't see it much any more.

You know what? I shouldn't talk with you people about this. I should talk with her.

roflmao

Why am I here, talking to all of you when none of you can answer my questions. I should be telling her this.

I will.

I must.

It'll kill me... literally... if i don't.

So I will... soon.

Farewell, my friends.

Luckily, vicki and i both have monday off. I am going to ask if I can go over to her place, or perhaps go somewhere together so that we can talk.

Scrabble. Don't think I haven't listened to you. I have considered everything you said and I must agree with all of it. Except for your conclusion. Some people have difficulty expressing certain emotions, and so do it in other ways completely different from the norm. I believe... I have to believe... that vicki is one of these people. I know there are people like this because I myself was once one and still am. I appreciate your concern for my emotional wellbeing but... okay look at it this way.

If I go away without talking to her, I will be alone. Because I am alone, I will be depressed. Its part of my personality... daern calls it "emotionally dependant" i dont have a word for it yet. Whats worse is I will have nobody in mind... everyone worth dating at our school has told me no in one way or another.

If I go to her and talk to her and get rejected, it will have the exact same effect. Perhaps a little worse, but not much more. But at least I won't have that tiny annoying voice in the back of my head saying "I should have done more. I should have told her the few things she doesn't know about me."

If I go to her and talk to her and I am accepted... I will be the happiest man on the planet.

Or will I?

That's always the question of course, is she what I think her to be. So many misconceptions that are possible here. But... I think I've found a way to deal with it. I will tell her everything about the real me. No holding back. Nothing hidden... about me that is. Of course there are things other people have sworn me to secrecy about which I cannot (and will not) reveal. But she will know me and what I want. If she doesn't want something similar... then she won't go out with me. Right?

I hope I'm right.

So many things to tell her... and I hope she believes me.

So many people think I'm doing the wrong thing... about half the people I call friends. (Of course, theres not that many, so half is onlya few people.) But... as I said before it has to be done. I am not going to go through another relationship like our previous ones... it's going to be... what i've always wanted, if it happens.

The most important thing I guess is that I want to be told of my mistakes. Can't fix them if I don't know I make them. This is, of course, the reason we broke up last time. 'Cept she wouldn't tell me of my mistakes. Well... it's kind of hard to fix what I don't know is broke.

Back to the question of is it what I really want.

I know what I want in a relationship. I know everything, from sex to cuddling by a fire to activities.

The only question is... can vicki give that to me? It's really a question of am I right when I see the capability to love in her.

She's shown it sometimes. When she's in a good mood she takes my head in her lap and scratches my head while i stroke her arm sometimes.

Parts of our relationship are perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. When we're alone, holding each other, that's perfect. The way we talk sometimes is perfect. In public... would it hurt her to hold hands or hug me once in a while. We never kissed... it's a total of 3 times in the past two years. (I think... maybe only two.) Sex... truth be told, I don't care. None, some, twice a day, kinky, not-kinky. Well... let's put it this way. I want it, but I don't need it and I'm not going to rush her.

i've always been... not afraid but... unwilling to discuss the matter. I'm afraid of being thought of as another sex-obsessed male (which i am not) if I even bring up the subject. You know, I bring up sex and she thinks "thats all he wants, just another guy."

*sigh*

Alright, I'll stop with the sex, I know I'm disgusting most of you.

But... deep inside I have an intense feeling she wants it, its just that she's repressing it all for some reason. I don't know why... I want her to tell me and we can work through it together. Yeah, she's a private person. So am I. I talk to my blog and about 4 people about my life. My parents get lies, my brothers get lies and most of the people who think they are my friends get lies too. She doesn't. Freya, Roots Kid, DDM, KoS, Scorpi and Scrabble dont. (well... sometimes, if its not really important)

well, i'm going to go now. I really honestly think she is someone different, but... if i'm wrong... well we'll see tomorrow hopefully

later

well ithank scrabble for not mentioning certain things in her blog about certain things i wrote to her.

the more i think about it, the more i am beginning to believe she is right. about somethings at least... most things even. more things than i am willing to admit are true. But about others, i don't know. So.

She believes that Vicki doesn't love me.

I can't argue... she may not. But the only way to find out for sure is to ask her.

And so... I will go to her and tell her of all my dreams, of all my feelings and of my heart and we will see what she says. I wil lhave the truth upon that day. And should the truth be rejection, then i will move on. And should the truth be that we are together, then i will rejoice.

Fear ye no evil.

merely because i have no time for anthing else.

tonight i am going to begin writing my next story. i have just finished reading "Blackwood Farm" by Anne Rice and it has... inspired me in a way. I know how to begin and that is the most important part.

How it will end, nobody knows, not even me.

My usual "fans" (all... what four of you?) will of course get a copy when the first draft is done and another after i edit it. as always, forgive my spelling mistakes.

not much else to say tonight... i'm saving all my random outpourings for the main character who is based on me yet again.

You could say i'm writing a series always based on two constant characters

except that in the first two stories, they both die.

Guess that wouldn't work then.

Alright, later all.

while i am still hurt... upset... angry... etc over what happened last night... i'm no longer thinking of giving up. Rather i've been thinking about giving up on vicki altogether. But it needs one last try. I must do this and I must do it soon and... if it goes badly... it will be the last time.

I can't handle it anymore... being in between. I want it over one way or the other. I'm in love... and i'm willing to wait, knowing she loves me. But not knowing one way or the other??

i can't take being alone.

there are so many other things i'd like to try. and so many people that need my help. If i let vicki get me down, then they'll all be lost. So... I can't let her get me that far down. But I must try again. One last time.

that's all for now. can't think of anything more.

I know what I said... no more posts.

But then... laura came online and we talked.

There are people who need me apparently... and so I cannot lose hope yet. I must be strong for these people. And that is a good as reason as any.

The stroke of new years was 5 minutes ago by my computer clock.

I spent it alone... So sad, I know. But... well... just couldn't happen.