Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

Is it time to move on from vicki, without bothering to ask her? I am closer to saying yes today than ever before.

But I'm not quite there.

There is a little voice inside of me telling me to talk to her. Sometimes... rarely, but sometimes, she gives hints that she wants me to talk to her about this, rather than just write a poem.

More often, she gives hints for me to forget about it.

So... what am I to do?

It's simple.

Make her tell me what she wants. If she wants me to forget about it then... i don't know. If she wants me to talk to her, then lets set a date.

It's all I can do. If she really doesn't want to talk to me, but also doesn't want to tell me no, then i'm going to keep getting pushed furthur and furthur into the future.

But... I do know now what I feel for her.

I love her.

I am not confused about this. I want to be with her... the real her, not the her that society has forced her to become. Her her.

A man can dream, can't he.

And I'm going to try very hard to make mine a reality. My only obstacle is her not having similar feelings for me.

Guess we'll answer that one soon enough.

I realized this when... I pictured us not together. Earlier today, some things that some people told me were affecting me a lot and i didn't realize until now that NOBODY has seen the side of vicki I have. Is it an act? If it is, it's a very good one. If it's not... then I want to encourage her to show it more often.

I know why she does. The reasons are long and complicated, but they are sufficient. and I know I can help her.

I know.

I know because I've been there myself. I've been in a... less-extreme version of her situation and I understand a lot of what she goes through.

However, I could be wrong.

And if I am, then there is nothing I can do and it will never work between us.

I pray I am right.

My personal opinion is that because so many bad things have happened to her throughout her life, she closed herself off to the world, trying to hide from these feelings. And now... I only hope I can still reach her. Depression is a bad thing. My only cure for it that I can give her is my love. So... just another reason to try.

And if she rejects me and tells me to go away, then I will.

I'm not going to obsess over her anymore. This will be and is the last time.

No matter how many times I've said this before, I mean it.

If it ends in the right way this time, I am taking off my necklace with the heart and doing something with it. I will not wear it again.

So many people think it's going to fail.

I honestly don't know. I don't know what vicki feels for me, or if she can feel. I don't know if she's reachable. And I don't know if she wants the kind of relationship I want.

It could go either way. It depends on whats a lie/act and what isn't. It's that simple.

And I will find out... perhaps tomorrow. Perhaps after exams. But I will find out.

No holds barred this time. If she doesn't like me the way I am, too bad.

It's love, I can't fake a part of myself for that.

Change? yes... somethings. Annoying habits, and etc.

But personality? no way in hell.

I can't think of anything more to say.

I wish she read this, so that she'd know whats coming. So that I would have less to say, but as it is, I have a lot.

If we do end up going out again, I'm going to try very hard to talk to her like I talk to freya. The problem is... she's never seemed interested in that kind of stuff. Freya and I talk alot because she asks the right questions and tells me some stuff about her too. Vicki... doesn't ask the right questions and is very closed mouthed sometimes.

All I'm praying is that when she told me she's been wanting to kiss me for two years, that wasn't a lie.

And so I leave thee with an ancient rhyme that every schoolboy and schoolgirl knows...

Starlight, starbright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight

I wish for vicki to love me