Sunday, January 04, 2004
For the love of...
Luckily, vicki and i both have monday off. I am going to ask if I can go over to her place, or perhaps go somewhere together so that we can talk.
Scrabble. Don't think I haven't listened to you. I have considered everything you said and I must agree with all of it. Except for your conclusion. Some people have difficulty expressing certain emotions, and so do it in other ways completely different from the norm. I believe... I have to believe... that vicki is one of these people. I know there are people like this because I myself was once one and still am. I appreciate your concern for my emotional wellbeing but... okay look at it this way.
If I go away without talking to her, I will be alone. Because I am alone, I will be depressed. Its part of my personality... daern calls it "emotionally dependant" i dont have a word for it yet. Whats worse is I will have nobody in mind... everyone worth dating at our school has told me no in one way or another.
If I go to her and talk to her and get rejected, it will have the exact same effect. Perhaps a little worse, but not much more. But at least I won't have that tiny annoying voice in the back of my head saying "I should have done more. I should have told her the few things she doesn't know about me."
If I go to her and talk to her and I am accepted... I will be the happiest man on the planet.
Or will I?
That's always the question of course, is she what I think her to be. So many misconceptions that are possible here. But... I think I've found a way to deal with it. I will tell her everything about the real me. No holding back. Nothing hidden... about me that is. Of course there are things other people have sworn me to secrecy about which I cannot (and will not) reveal. But she will know me and what I want. If she doesn't want something similar... then she won't go out with me. Right?
I hope I'm right.
So many things to tell her... and I hope she believes me.
So many people think I'm doing the wrong thing... about half the people I call friends. (Of course, theres not that many, so half is onlya few people.) But... as I said before it has to be done. I am not going to go through another relationship like our previous ones... it's going to be... what i've always wanted, if it happens.
The most important thing I guess is that I want to be told of my mistakes. Can't fix them if I don't know I make them. This is, of course, the reason we broke up last time. 'Cept she wouldn't tell me of my mistakes. Well... it's kind of hard to fix what I don't know is broke.
Back to the question of is it what I really want.
I know what I want in a relationship. I know everything, from sex to cuddling by a fire to activities.
The only question is... can vicki give that to me? It's really a question of am I right when I see the capability to love in her.
She's shown it sometimes. When she's in a good mood she takes my head in her lap and scratches my head while i stroke her arm sometimes.
Parts of our relationship are perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. When we're alone, holding each other, that's perfect. The way we talk sometimes is perfect. In public... would it hurt her to hold hands or hug me once in a while. We never kissed... it's a total of 3 times in the past two years. (I think... maybe only two.) Sex... truth be told, I don't care. None, some, twice a day, kinky, not-kinky. Well... let's put it this way. I want it, but I don't need it and I'm not going to rush her.
i've always been... not afraid but... unwilling to discuss the matter. I'm afraid of being thought of as another sex-obsessed male (which i am not) if I even bring up the subject. You know, I bring up sex and she thinks "thats all he wants, just another guy."
*sigh*
Alright, I'll stop with the sex, I know I'm disgusting most of you.
But... deep inside I have an intense feeling she wants it, its just that she's repressing it all for some reason. I don't know why... I want her to tell me and we can work through it together. Yeah, she's a private person. So am I. I talk to my blog and about 4 people about my life. My parents get lies, my brothers get lies and most of the people who think they are my friends get lies too. She doesn't. Freya, Roots Kid, DDM, KoS, Scorpi and Scrabble dont. (well... sometimes, if its not really important)
well, i'm going to go now. I really honestly think she is someone different, but... if i'm wrong... well we'll see tomorrow hopefully
later
Scrabble. Don't think I haven't listened to you. I have considered everything you said and I must agree with all of it. Except for your conclusion. Some people have difficulty expressing certain emotions, and so do it in other ways completely different from the norm. I believe... I have to believe... that vicki is one of these people. I know there are people like this because I myself was once one and still am. I appreciate your concern for my emotional wellbeing but... okay look at it this way.
If I go away without talking to her, I will be alone. Because I am alone, I will be depressed. Its part of my personality... daern calls it "emotionally dependant" i dont have a word for it yet. Whats worse is I will have nobody in mind... everyone worth dating at our school has told me no in one way or another.
If I go to her and talk to her and get rejected, it will have the exact same effect. Perhaps a little worse, but not much more. But at least I won't have that tiny annoying voice in the back of my head saying "I should have done more. I should have told her the few things she doesn't know about me."
If I go to her and talk to her and I am accepted... I will be the happiest man on the planet.
Or will I?
That's always the question of course, is she what I think her to be. So many misconceptions that are possible here. But... I think I've found a way to deal with it. I will tell her everything about the real me. No holding back. Nothing hidden... about me that is. Of course there are things other people have sworn me to secrecy about which I cannot (and will not) reveal. But she will know me and what I want. If she doesn't want something similar... then she won't go out with me. Right?
I hope I'm right.
So many things to tell her... and I hope she believes me.
So many people think I'm doing the wrong thing... about half the people I call friends. (Of course, theres not that many, so half is onlya few people.) But... as I said before it has to be done. I am not going to go through another relationship like our previous ones... it's going to be... what i've always wanted, if it happens.
The most important thing I guess is that I want to be told of my mistakes. Can't fix them if I don't know I make them. This is, of course, the reason we broke up last time. 'Cept she wouldn't tell me of my mistakes. Well... it's kind of hard to fix what I don't know is broke.
Back to the question of is it what I really want.
I know what I want in a relationship. I know everything, from sex to cuddling by a fire to activities.
The only question is... can vicki give that to me? It's really a question of am I right when I see the capability to love in her.
She's shown it sometimes. When she's in a good mood she takes my head in her lap and scratches my head while i stroke her arm sometimes.
Parts of our relationship are perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. When we're alone, holding each other, that's perfect. The way we talk sometimes is perfect. In public... would it hurt her to hold hands or hug me once in a while. We never kissed... it's a total of 3 times in the past two years. (I think... maybe only two.) Sex... truth be told, I don't care. None, some, twice a day, kinky, not-kinky. Well... let's put it this way. I want it, but I don't need it and I'm not going to rush her.
i've always been... not afraid but... unwilling to discuss the matter. I'm afraid of being thought of as another sex-obsessed male (which i am not) if I even bring up the subject. You know, I bring up sex and she thinks "thats all he wants, just another guy."
*sigh*
Alright, I'll stop with the sex, I know I'm disgusting most of you.
But... deep inside I have an intense feeling she wants it, its just that she's repressing it all for some reason. I don't know why... I want her to tell me and we can work through it together. Yeah, she's a private person. So am I. I talk to my blog and about 4 people about my life. My parents get lies, my brothers get lies and most of the people who think they are my friends get lies too. She doesn't. Freya, Roots Kid, DDM, KoS, Scorpi and Scrabble dont. (well... sometimes, if its not really important)
well, i'm going to go now. I really honestly think she is someone different, but... if i'm wrong... well we'll see tomorrow hopefully
later
// posted by Dep @ 10:21:00 p.m.
