Tuesday, January 20, 2004
no title
it's been almost a week since i blogged... yes yes, bitch away.
despite my witty entrance, i am not in the best of moods.
perhaps it's because of my current playlist... "Here Without You" (Three Doors Down), "Misery" (Moffats), "Jaded" (Mest) and "Wake Me Up Inside" (Evanescence).
not guarenteed to put me in the best of moods but meh.
ah reasons you want? then reasons you shall have.
i empathize too much with people sometimes. It's a curse or a gift... not sure which. So when one of my good friends goes through something bad it affects me too.
DDM and scrabble... ask me tomorrow if you're reading this and i'll tell you (I know moe reads this and other people so i will refrain from speaking of this.)
a friend of mine just broke up with her long-term boyfriend (not freya) and she's really upset. *sigh* want to help her, say something, anything to make it all better, but in the end there is no cure for it... except lots of time and help from your friends.
as you know i have exams this week... i get thursday and friday off... plus half of tomorrow but i'm going in because i have nothing else to do... gonna bring a CD player and a book and something to write on/with.
*sigh* alright i'll talk about vicki now since everybody knows that's my problem.
i don't know. sometimes i get the feeling she's avoiding the topic and avoiding us talking about it. When I asked her if she wanted to talking about it she said "Yes and no." I don't know what that means. I have ideas, but they're all equally possible. As for the insults... I have four possibilities.
One) She really does hate me. Unlikely as she spends time with me sometimes. She can't hate me that much can she if she voluntarily spends time with me. Unless it's all an act just so that I don't get hurt.
Two) She's trying to discourage me because she really doesn't have feelings for me, just want to stay friends.
Three) It's one of those things teenagers do... friendly insults between friends.
Four) She insults me because she's afraid of getting close to me because she can get hurt and she doesn't want to be hurt again, so she's avoiding all situations which lets somebody in close to them. This fits everything I know about her and is, in my opinion, the most likely.
*sigh*
I really don't want to move on. In my heart, I know I want to be with her. When I almost made the decision to give up earlier today, I felt so... so... empty that I decided it was the wrong choice.
Because... in the end, ddm and I have that much in common. We are both emotionally dependant and have to be with soembody... DDM has his girflriend... I have no one except vicki.
So... you know what...
In the end, it doesn't matter if she loves me or if she doesn't.
It doesn't matter if I come out of it hurt
It doesn't matter what people think of me
It matters that I love her.
And so... I must try. Whether the chances are nil or 99.999%.... whether the outcome is known or not... I must try.
Because only in trying can I finally experiance complete rejection from her. And only that can truely set me free. As you've seen above there are other explanations for her actions.
Personally, I hold little hope for it. But... it is enough for me to try.
I know there are people out there who are better for me... scrabble... roots kid... scorpi... freya...
but... what more needs to be said? through time, distance, other boyfriends and them just not liking me in that way, i'm down to one.
vicki.
Yes, I know there are other people in the world, whom I haven't met.
But... I dunno maybe scrabble's right and I just don't want to be alone.
I hate being alone.
However, I have no choice. It is be alone or try for vicki. And I've been alone for many years now. I'm tired of it... tired of waiting for my chance. I think this is my chance and I'm going to take it.
She's told me so many reasons when we've broken up.
We work better as friends... too awkwards dating somebody you've known for years... i made mistakes and couldn't fix them.
I'm only human... I make mistakes.
And I can't fix them unless you TELL me that I made them.
I've started to figure some of them out though... from little hints and just from thinking about it.
I should have told her. No letters, no stories, no poems. Face to face conversation. I love you.
I should have taken the initiative rather than sitting back and waiting for her to do things. I should have called, should have invited her out on dates, should have held her, kissed her, hugged her, held her hand.
I should have told her of my dark side a lot sooner.
The little mistakes... acting naive and stupid and such... those I can't fix. I've acted that way for so long, it's become engrained as part of my personality. It'll take a long time of understanding to fix it.
But speaking of mine... she made her own.
Loving me isn't easy. It takes a lot of patience and perseverance to get past my defensive barrier and into me. Few people have done it... scrabble, freya, KoS, DDM, roots kid, scorpi. you've got to be patient and understanding when i do stupid things... i regret those almost the minute after i've done it and it's only worse when you rub it in. And you have to understand.
You have understand me. That I love... forever I guess. I can be incredibly commited to a relationship. That I have a sense of honor, try to do the right thing according to what I think is right. That sometimes when I say "i don't want to talk about this" out of the blue it means i do want to talk about it. I'm such a confusing person.
That I never force people to do things they don't want to do. This leads to me being timid about asking people to do things, because i don't want them to feel pressured. I never ask my girlfriend what they think about sex for that reason. (hell, who'd want to have sex with me in the first place --- note, by sex i mean... not intercourse but everything related. intercourse i dont know about... it's really up to the other person, because it's their risk of getting pregnant and ... okay i'm off topic.)
i dont tihnk vicki ever understood me. I don't fit a common stereotype... modern stereotype. I don't think I even fit an old stereotype. I'm my own stereotype.
*sigh*
I'm going to ask her again if she wants me to talk to her tomorrow. I'm going to insist on an answer. not a yes or a no. If she says no, then so be it. If she says yes, I'm going to ask her to set a time and then stick to it.
The words are ready.
*sigh*
Anyways... I've got some stuff to do tonight
later all
despite my witty entrance, i am not in the best of moods.
perhaps it's because of my current playlist... "Here Without You" (Three Doors Down), "Misery" (Moffats), "Jaded" (Mest) and "Wake Me Up Inside" (Evanescence).
not guarenteed to put me in the best of moods but meh.
ah reasons you want? then reasons you shall have.
i empathize too much with people sometimes. It's a curse or a gift... not sure which. So when one of my good friends goes through something bad it affects me too.
DDM and scrabble... ask me tomorrow if you're reading this and i'll tell you (I know moe reads this and other people so i will refrain from speaking of this.)
a friend of mine just broke up with her long-term boyfriend (not freya) and she's really upset. *sigh* want to help her, say something, anything to make it all better, but in the end there is no cure for it... except lots of time and help from your friends.
as you know i have exams this week... i get thursday and friday off... plus half of tomorrow but i'm going in because i have nothing else to do... gonna bring a CD player and a book and something to write on/with.
*sigh* alright i'll talk about vicki now since everybody knows that's my problem.
i don't know. sometimes i get the feeling she's avoiding the topic and avoiding us talking about it. When I asked her if she wanted to talking about it she said "Yes and no." I don't know what that means. I have ideas, but they're all equally possible. As for the insults... I have four possibilities.
One) She really does hate me. Unlikely as she spends time with me sometimes. She can't hate me that much can she if she voluntarily spends time with me. Unless it's all an act just so that I don't get hurt.
Two) She's trying to discourage me because she really doesn't have feelings for me, just want to stay friends.
Three) It's one of those things teenagers do... friendly insults between friends.
Four) She insults me because she's afraid of getting close to me because she can get hurt and she doesn't want to be hurt again, so she's avoiding all situations which lets somebody in close to them. This fits everything I know about her and is, in my opinion, the most likely.
*sigh*
I really don't want to move on. In my heart, I know I want to be with her. When I almost made the decision to give up earlier today, I felt so... so... empty that I decided it was the wrong choice.
Because... in the end, ddm and I have that much in common. We are both emotionally dependant and have to be with soembody... DDM has his girflriend... I have no one except vicki.
So... you know what...
In the end, it doesn't matter if she loves me or if she doesn't.
It doesn't matter if I come out of it hurt
It doesn't matter what people think of me
It matters that I love her.
And so... I must try. Whether the chances are nil or 99.999%.... whether the outcome is known or not... I must try.
Because only in trying can I finally experiance complete rejection from her. And only that can truely set me free. As you've seen above there are other explanations for her actions.
Personally, I hold little hope for it. But... it is enough for me to try.
I know there are people out there who are better for me... scrabble... roots kid... scorpi... freya...
but... what more needs to be said? through time, distance, other boyfriends and them just not liking me in that way, i'm down to one.
vicki.
Yes, I know there are other people in the world, whom I haven't met.
But... I dunno maybe scrabble's right and I just don't want to be alone.
I hate being alone.
However, I have no choice. It is be alone or try for vicki. And I've been alone for many years now. I'm tired of it... tired of waiting for my chance. I think this is my chance and I'm going to take it.
She's told me so many reasons when we've broken up.
We work better as friends... too awkwards dating somebody you've known for years... i made mistakes and couldn't fix them.
I'm only human... I make mistakes.
And I can't fix them unless you TELL me that I made them.
I've started to figure some of them out though... from little hints and just from thinking about it.
I should have told her. No letters, no stories, no poems. Face to face conversation. I love you.
I should have taken the initiative rather than sitting back and waiting for her to do things. I should have called, should have invited her out on dates, should have held her, kissed her, hugged her, held her hand.
I should have told her of my dark side a lot sooner.
The little mistakes... acting naive and stupid and such... those I can't fix. I've acted that way for so long, it's become engrained as part of my personality. It'll take a long time of understanding to fix it.
But speaking of mine... she made her own.
Loving me isn't easy. It takes a lot of patience and perseverance to get past my defensive barrier and into me. Few people have done it... scrabble, freya, KoS, DDM, roots kid, scorpi. you've got to be patient and understanding when i do stupid things... i regret those almost the minute after i've done it and it's only worse when you rub it in. And you have to understand.
You have understand me. That I love... forever I guess. I can be incredibly commited to a relationship. That I have a sense of honor, try to do the right thing according to what I think is right. That sometimes when I say "i don't want to talk about this" out of the blue it means i do want to talk about it. I'm such a confusing person.
That I never force people to do things they don't want to do. This leads to me being timid about asking people to do things, because i don't want them to feel pressured. I never ask my girlfriend what they think about sex for that reason. (hell, who'd want to have sex with me in the first place --- note, by sex i mean... not intercourse but everything related. intercourse i dont know about... it's really up to the other person, because it's their risk of getting pregnant and ... okay i'm off topic.)
i dont tihnk vicki ever understood me. I don't fit a common stereotype... modern stereotype. I don't think I even fit an old stereotype. I'm my own stereotype.
*sigh*
I'm going to ask her again if she wants me to talk to her tomorrow. I'm going to insist on an answer. not a yes or a no. If she says no, then so be it. If she says yes, I'm going to ask her to set a time and then stick to it.
The words are ready.
*sigh*
Anyways... I've got some stuff to do tonight
later all
// posted by Dep @ 9:32:00 p.m.
