Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

welcome to my misery.

today for the most part, went wonderfully. we went into hull, bought some stuff for the party, then wentand had lunch then went back to her place where we played cards and watched movies.

this hurts... but i will go on...

apparently i was being completely obnoxious... though i honestly do not know why. i made one comment which could be interpreted as rude... and it was accidental. i had no clue it was even about that until after i left and my parents told me

i am in a shitty mood right now. i have to spend new years eve alone... so i will

i'ev given up hope. people are too stupid. those of you whom i trust have, by now, recieved a copy of my two latest poems.

this is my last blog... and i will do the final closing of my website later tonight.

there will be no more.

For those of you who worry about me... dont...i am not going to the next world, i am staying in this one. But I have lost hope in mankind... in love... in everything really, and i see no point in continuing this blog... or my website.

no... there is no hope.

you are welcome to try and talk me out of it... make me believe.

i desperatly want to... but i can't anymore.

it's not because vicki said no... she didn't say no, and indeed may say yes if i ever ask her.

it's because i'm tired of being me... so... screw it

can't handle the depression, the being alone. i've stopped caring now about being alone.

indeed i believe i have even come to enjoy it.

please... those of you who believe in me... make me believe in myself again...

make me see there is hope...

and vicki... if you are reading this... then... talk to me... tell me what you feel, if it is love... and even if it's not, tell me anyways... for i can do no more...

we shall talk of this, vicki... just... later...

farewell all.

don't ask how Dark Alliance went...

(i've unlocked Extreme mode :P)

anyways

don't know when i'm going to her place... have to call her later today...

going shopping soon for the rest of her present.

not much else to say... later all

jumpy... excited... whatever you want to call it.

it's only two more days (whole days) until i get to see vicki again and we get to talk. i'm so excited... nervous... etc.

either that or maybe its just that it's been so long since i've gone outside... guess i'll go for a walk later, work off some of my excess energy... after my CD is done burning.

*siigh*

alright... walk... soon... later all

the addiction to Dark Alliance continues still...

(i'm in Act III go me)

anyways

nothing new really... going to burn a new CD today...

i'm not sure if i'm going to post for a while... looks like a lot of work to do... and i dont even know if i'll be home between tuesday and thursday.

so...

alright... im going to go download some music, then burn a new CD.

later all

i am now addicted to Dark Alliance.

may God have mercy upon us all.

It comes as no surprise as it is a D&D roleplaying game for PSII. But an addiction is an addiction.

For those of you who play the game, i'm on Act II, having lit the signal fire and am now in the process of cleaning out the mines (in about 6 hours of playing.)

okay...

today, once i leave you, i am going to continue working on my poetry CD, which i have been working on for quite some time. Doing the inserts and labels tonight and possibly some more proof reading

plans... well...

the weekend is empty pretty much... possibility of brunch with paternal extended family on sunday... plus bowling sunday night.

monday i think i'm going to scrabble's place to watch the GodFather. have to see if that's still on.

(scrabble i'll tell you how to add a link next time i see you online.)

tuesday dark angel returns from her grandparents and i'm probably going over to spend the night.

(note the word probably)

I have the courage now to tell her that for which i have lacked the courage for so long... (i love you if you're wondering.) I just hate the waiting. It's hard to be ready to do something and then have to wait. It gives me time to think about possible consequences... what if she says no? (not thinking of that... it doesn't matter.) It'll either happen or it won't happen. Nevermind the fact that it could be a huge change in my life... one way or the other. A stable relationship? My dreams come true? or... rejection by the one i love? It is either meant to be, or not meant to be and I will find out next tuesday (or possibly wendsday morning around 1am lol.)

for those of you who don't know, i turned 17 ten days ago. Not sure if I blogged about it.

just looked, no i didn't. Thank you to everyone who thought Happy Birthday.

alrighty... tuesday...

my plan involves movies at her place, coffee (or actually french vanilla cappachino), something sweet for desert, little bit of play-fighting and then quiet holding each other in silence for a bit. (it's only a general outline)

wendsday, i don't know what's going on...

it's the 31st, so i may either stay at vickis or go home for a bit... then im going back for her new years party (Again, staying the night). Thursday im spending part of with her. After that, I have no plans.

except of course, going back to school the tuesday after.

at some point i've got to work on my one piece of homework... make my math binder picture-perfect.

i'll probably do that this weekend, unless something else comes up.

i've been asked by KoS not to slip into depression again if things go badly with vicki. Don't know if i can honor that request, but i can try.

so nice to know so many people worry about me.

*sarcasm*

anyways...

i think im going to mess with the fonts and such on this page now, make it easier to read, then go work on the CD. later

for those of you who've noticed, there is a new link over there --->> it's scrabble's blog and although she has the strangest names for me ("that kid with the glasses"??) it may turn into good reading one day (jk, jk, it's good scrabble :P)

behold, tis boxing day.

suppose i should be thankful thats scrabble didn't post a link to my blog on her blog, even though she tells her readers to come read mine. heh. (no i won't tell you how to do that chrissie.)

anyways... moving right alone.

Christmas.

As suspected, my parents bought a PS2 for christmas (for the non-computer-game-addicts that is a PlayStation II.) along with several games. Including Dark Alliance, which i am now addicted to. I am attempting to fight this addiction but if no one comes on, i will have to return and slaughter more green blobs. (slime thingys)

clothing... mints... nuts... dvds...

oh... a beautiful chain from my parents... y'all get to see it when i return to school...

that's about if for x-mas

as christmas is a joyous time, i will not post anything more. I'm all out of joy, so i'm going to go kill slime thingys. Later all.

No it's not my two front teeth, already have those :P

i wish for vicki and i to be together.

best x-mas present i could get... now we'll have to see if it happens.

anyways...

other than that

nothing recent has gone on in my life that is important... vicki and her mom left today for her grandparents place.

i was reading through my old poems, just for the memories, and i was shocked at how different i was back then. So much more naive... so much more innocent. An odd sensation of nostalgia filled me, remembering past people i claimed to have loved and now i realize it wasnt love.

So... I wrote this.

SO THIS IS LOVE
Long cold winter nights
With only one thing to warm me
The body of my love
As we lie in the arms of each other

Love fills the air
As good silence reigns supreme
I look upon your sleeping face
And see the dream I dreamed

I remember past words
Past conceptions, past ideas
Some lost to me now
Yet some now gained

No longer must it be
That love is not lust
No, to love is to lust
But so much more as well

To love is to lust
Is to desire, is to want
To love is to care
To need, to feel, to dream

Love is all these things
And so much more

I dreamed a dream
And in it I saw
You and me together
As two in love should be

Endless nights together
Drinking coffee and talking
Or just sit, stare into your eyes
Holding each other tight

Joyful nights of pleasure
That seem to never end
No regrets or retribution
Completly right in our minds

Time apart when needed
Loving support whenever
Open communication
Say I love you for evermore

Quiet dinner movie dates
Or coffee in seclusion
Parties on New Years Eve
Or just time together at home

I dreamed you loved me
As I love you
You are all I want
You are all I need

You know all about me
From my darkest secrets to my heart
You understand why I am
The person that I am

I love you
I want you
I need you
So I dreamed a dream

Help me make it real
Help me combine love and lust
For I know I feel both
For you, my love

So this is love
As it nears Christmas Eve
I realize right now
Just what love is

For you I feel it
And so, I will tell
You're perfect as you are
Never change for me

Hold me, kiss me
Love me if you do
We can make it work
My angel of the dark

im going to go now... work on vickis other christmas present.

later

vanessa beat me to it... she broke up with me, claimed she just didn't feel love for me.

I am now left with but one path... while this would seem to be a good thing, I still feel as if I've lost a part of myself... perhaps it is the lack of a "safety net" if you will. If things with vicki should not work out... there will be nothing to hold on to. But such are the risks we take in life.

I went to vicki's house last night. we watched pirates of the carribean and then had a little play-fight on her couch.

I realized that this is what i love... being with her. And so... I am not as devestated as one might think after vanessa breaking up with me.

vicki and i are planning to get together in about a week... next tuesday hopefully. it is then that i will tell her of my feelings and get them all out in the open. and if the worst should happen, i guess i can't prevent it.

in other news

going to a new years party on the 31st... wont be around... staying the night, so wont be around much on the 1st either

i've got a few days now where vicki is away at her grandparents (that's why we're waiting until next week.) not sure what i'm going to do, but i'm thinking about starting another story. i've been toying with an idea for a little bit, and i think it'll work.

you'll find out more about the plot when i write it.

school's going well...

i don't have any more news, so i'll go back to vicki.

8 years. 96 months. Too many days to count. It's a long time to have known somebody.

I remember, after we broke up the first time, how badly i wanted to be with her again. I used to sit and stare at the phone. I remember picking it up and staring at it. Sometimes I even pushed the first few buttons... but always I found a reason to hang up.

i remember the depression. It's the reason i'm overweight now... when i'm depressed, i eat. anything to distract me.

i remember wanting her so badly. i dreamed a lot about her, and daydreamed too. I remember one.... I woke up in early morning and beside me was her. I gazed into her face, so peaceful while sleeping.

I remember the things we used to do... and wish for those days back again.

Many adults say that we, as teenagers, do not know what love is. Well, for the most part, I'd have to agree. A lot of teens do not know what love is. But... it is not true for all teenagers. I know what it is, as do a few other people I know. It is insulting to here somebody say "you don't know what love is... you're too young."

*sigh*

such is the world.

i really hope it works out this time between vicki and i. If it doesn't... i don't know what i'm going to do... probably just fall farther into depression.

anyways... thats about all i can think of tonight...

perhaps i'll go think about that story i'm going to write... or maybe wrap presents... or go poke nicky...

later all.

okay....

i woke up 1/2 hour ago.

why you ask?

well... here it goes

friday night i forgot (i have a terrible memory) to call my parents and tell them where i was going (i went to scorpi's house). When I finally remembered to call (which was when I was supposed to go home at about 11pm) they were quite upset. But as I don't do this very often, I figure that the most likely reaction is a "yeah... try not to do it again"

but yesterday morning, my father tells me im not allowed to go to see vicki that night and sleep over. Now as I have been planning this for at least a month, I feel this is totally unfair. But I figure he'll soften up after a little bit, so I go out bowling for a bit, then go help vicki deliver newspapers.

Him and I bowl on the same nights now. When I explained part of the situation to him (the bit about it being a month and etc) he still refused. Now... maybe it's me, but it seems a little unfair for a person who's forgotten about twice, including this time, in the past year.

So I go home, very very pissed off (and it takes a lot to piss me off). I get home and I get a lecture about calling home every time. And then they tell me im not supposed to be perfect. hypocrites. in any case, i stormed out of the house and went for a very long walk. the walk ended at a convience store near vickis house, where i called her and asked her if i could drop by for a bit. This was around... midnight. She said yes, so I went over and stayed until around 1:30. We talked about a lot of stuff... but there is more to come. that will come tonight as I am going over to her place around 7 (possibly earlier). I left and I returned home at about 2:30, wide awake. I tried calling vicki again, but she didn't answer, maybe she had gone to sleep or something. So I tried to go to sleep and eventually did around 3:00. So... yeah i've had 9 hours of sleep, but I was walking for about 7 hours yesterday in the cold... not to mention 6 games of bowling.

For those of you who are wondering, I have made my choice. Between vanessa and vicki... i'm sorry but i don't know about my feelings for vanessa. perhaps it's just a crush. but vicki... they've lasted for 8 years. It's not a crush. Not possible. I'm going to ask vicki out again tonight. If she says no, I will explore the depths of a relationship with vanessa. If she says yes, I will find a way to break the news to vanessa. (who's reaction will tell me a great deal about her character... much more than simpe observation. You can fake day-to-day actions. You cannot fake a reaction to something like this.)

Scrabble brought up a point. She thinks that i'm just so tired of being alone that i'll invent feelings for a woman just so i can avoid being alone. But... while it's true i am very tired of being alone and while is possibly true that i merely invented feelings for vanessa to avoid being alone.... with vicki, it is very improbable. If I was trying to avoid being alone, why would I even be considering going out again with vicki? why would i be willing to live with her mood swings and her smoking and not-knowing what she thinks about me? Wouldn't it be more likely for me to choose vanessa then, because I know what she thinks of me? See... this is why I believe it is love, because i've had people in love with me before... dorothy comes to mind... and i dumped her because the feeling just wasn't there. So... i'm sorry scrabble, but i think you are wrong. I believe it is love, and I will continue to believe so.

it's time to be selfish. I will tell vicki tomorrow all the things i've wanted to tell her for years now. And hopefully it will go well.

bye 4 now

ohhh shit...

hmm... well...

i'm not quite sure what to do now...

vicki has invited me over to her house this weekend... supposedly to talk about what we've been suppose to talk about for so many weeks now. (I hate it when these things drag on and on and on).

So... I guess I haev a question to answer....

Scorpi or Dark Angel?

In my heart, I know I want Dark Angel... but Scorpi needs me more... (even though I know she won't admit it, show it or anything else...)

So... selfish or selflessness time?

Anybody with an answer please, please email me because I'm going crazy... I can't choose between the two i love.... even though i'm going to have to...

*grumble*

What i'm probably going to do is wait until sunday night and see how things work out.... who knows, perhaps vickis answer will be no and i wont have a choice to make. But perhaps it will be yes... at which point I will have a choice to make...

And whomever I don't pick is going to crucify me

i must choose wisely... but.... i dont know which one is wiser... i love them both...

i must think...

Freya... we'll talk sometime tomorrow morning I hope (dont know if i'll be on for the rest of today) and if you have something to tell me, just send me an email. thanks.

i actually ate breakfast... amazing, usually i dont do that...

so... what have i figured out today?

"Lead by example"

The only way to encourage vany to show her emotions is to show them myself and hope she catches on. Because really... no human being can be completely independant...

I used to think I could be... but I was wrong. I know now that I need people... more than ever, almost as if it's compensating for my years apart from the rest of humanity.

so... i've decided im going to help her through this difficult phase in her life, with the knowledge that afterwards, she will be like me... i see so much of it in her, and i want so badly to bring it out, make her the great person i know she can be. But it will take time... and I'm willing to invest that time.

Till later

amazing what one day can do...

before i begin... i do love scorpi... i have real feelings for her...

but... at the same time... well, those of you who know me, know that im emotionally dependant, as our good friend DDM would say. I need to be loved and held. And... I dunno... scorpi doesn't seem to want to do that.

its so frustrating to love her, to want to be with herbut also to want her to want to be with me... and she doesnt show it...

an example of what i was like as a child... stubborn, not wanting to show weakness, love is aweakness, dont want to rely on anybody type of thing...

and she'll grow out of it... in time...

i'm going to try and accelerate the process... because this isnt the kind of relationship I want... and if i can make her see that love isnt a weakness and that sometimes you have to rely on somebody, then perhaps we can make it the kind of relationship i want it to be. I know we can... the question is, will it happen?

if it doesn't happen...

i'll probably slip back into depression... perhaps further than i was before... perhaps i'll try again with vicki... pick up where i left off...

i still love vicki but... it's just too drastic a change for her to make, i dont think she can even if she wanted to

the other problem is that... i cant see anybody loving me. i'm paranoid... i cannot see somebody wanting me the way i want scorpi... but i guess anything is possible...

i cried today for the first time in a long time.

and i will again tomorrow probably...

all i want out of life is somebody who loves me as much as i love them... somebody i love as much as i love scorpi and who loves me just as much, and who is willing to show it. None of this "independance" crap... no one can be completely independant... i know, i tried to be and it made me a fucked up, fat, depressed person, who has no social skills...

im losing weight though! or at least, losing fat.

i dunno... i want to change scorpi quickly... bring her into maturity more quickly... but that would probably require changing who she is... do i have a right to change a person, even if it's for the better in my opinion?

yes... so i will try... and we will see just how mature vanessa can be...

farewell for now, my readers

well... for those of you who don't know...

i'm no longer single

and her name is not dark angel...

i've realized over the weekend (a revelation if you wish) that she cannot give me what i need out of a relationship... and a person i have feelings for asked me out (sortof) on Monday... so I said yes.

Last night, Freya and I had a talk in which I told her of a thing which has been bugging me for the past few days... basically "what is love. am I doing this because i dont want to be alone, or because i love her"

and then, this morning, i woke up and my first thought was how much i wanted to see her face, first thing in the morning...

so...

i'm going to quit being paranoid, and call it love.

today should present some interesting events... i have a test 1st period...

plus im gonna talk with my new girlfriend (no names...) about some stuff

why no names? because her parents, and my parents are against us dating... romeo and juliet almost, except that instead of social classes, we're different ages...

parents are overly protective sometimes... Im not going to do anything like the stuff they worry about (well... not yet)

anyways... later all

(for lack of a better title)

hey! guess who got sick from me again??!!

... vicki

(no points for those of you who guessed it)

I'm starting to hate this... i always get her sick whenever i go over to her place... but... well, hopefully that won't happen

me going over is an iffy thing... if she feels better, i might, if she doesn't, i won't... but i'll see her sunday (when i get one of my b-day gifts from her)

yeah...

so.. hope things go well this weekend... im calling her back in about an hour fifteen... probably going to play ST:EF until then

later all

well... interesting...

vicki invited me to her house next weekend, so...

i'm getting more good feelings from this whole thing... scorpi thought it would turn out a mess, but its looking up...

in any case... saturday next weekend is going to be a big day... and could possibly change the rest of my life... anyways

later

better mood now

I spent the majority of the day so far with vicki. had a bowling tournement this morning, lost but who cares.

last night, from about 9:30PM SAT till around 5:30AM SUN (Whoa... 8 hours...) i was talking on the phone with vicki. we discussed many many different topics and i... well freya and i spoke last night in the one break in the conversation.

in any case

i've told her... through poetry...

if i see her late rtoday, we will probably discuss it furthur and if i do not, we will discuss it one of these days.

i told her, if you are itnerested, that i love her, care for her, want her and need her, but in the end it's her choice what to do. i know that i want to be with her, but she should follow her own dreams, whatever they may be...

and i mean it

anyways... we were interrupted at that moment... soemthing about her mother, which some of you know about and most of you dont (i'll tell you, freya, what happened sometime in the future, when i see you next)

we will discuss it tonight and i will tell her, face to face, not through a poem, those words i've been wanting to say for so goddamn long. and if vicki doesnt share those feeligns, then... i don't know... i guess i'll move on after a while, but the pain will be much.

i dont know what she is going to do.

i know what i want her to do... i want us to start dating again, and really dating, trying to fix the problems that arise rather than just giving up on it all. i want her to hold me and love me. i want to share all the experiances in my life with her. i'm almost comfortable with her... i've told her everything except of my love for her... and she knows of this. (yes freya... EVERYTHING... including that... yes you know, that thing that not many people know of me. Scrabble knows of it and Kos and ddm and now vicki. you know damn well what im talking about... or at least you should. if you dont, ill tell you later)

my life is going to change again in the next few days. i can see it upon the horizon.... there are two paths and i am not the one with the rudder. but... whatever will be, will be .

Que sera, sera

i promise

scorpi talked to vicki sometime either thursday night or friday morning and vicki told her that she "likes robert as a friend only".

oh.

how did i know that was coming.

i don't know what im going to do now.. im going to go think, then i am going to come back and hopefully find freya online so we can talk about this. anyways... later

i have no clue.. sorry..
i'm going to tell vicki on the weekend... consequences be damned... im nervous, but who wouldn't be?

if she says yes... and it works this time... i will be shocked. i am expecting a "no" and maybe a slap. at the very best a cold shoulder or a "as a friend" thing. but more than that, i dont expect. i doubt we'll be together on monday.. but there is always a slim chance it might happen, so i will take that chance and go through with it...

blog some more later... night all

robert

i forgot to welcome you all to december last night... welcome to december (to all my 2 devoted readers... KoS and Freya)

well... it's been suggested again by Scorpi that i attempt to get published. This time i'm going through with it. (with scorpi's help of course and that of freya and a few other people... maybe roots kid if i can talk her into it)

life goes on much as it has these past few days. i'm going to tell vicki (waiting for the weekend so we're not so focused on homework) and i'm exploring other possibilties shall we say, with roots kid (though i know thats not going to work... but if her and her boyfriend ever break up or if scorpi ever changes her mind.... and if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon.) in any case, i'm a little bit happier since i had my fortune told that i would find love one day.

with who is not for me to know, until it is meant for me to know.

(dont ask)

anyways... life goes on, i still write (if you want them, you can ask for them) and i still plot against roots kid and freya (though freya doesnt know what im plotting about this time... hehehe)

as of late i have been questioning my belief in love. and i have now refound it again, stronger than ever, because i look at freya and angelis and know that sometimes love can work out. So I will take faith in the cards and hope it works out for me as well as it did for freya.

but, and i hope you all know this already, i dont force people into doing things they dont want to do. so mutual love is a must.

and love for me doesnt mean i wanna fuck your brains out. i had roots kid asking me if the only reason i liked her was because i wanted to have sex with her. she said some person told her this (no names). And this is complete bullshit. It's me! *sigh*
love is about feelings and emotions and caring and being together and, yeah sure you can have sex, but its not the main focus... its not the reason why you are there.
at least, thats what it is to me. loves funny, because lots of people have different interpretations of what it is.

anyways, im going to bed soon.

interior debates continue, but if things keep going the way they are ... hell i'm losing weight. how can that be bad? i can see the change in my figure when i look in the mirror. i've come to terms with the person i am. i have my education planned out in something i'm going to like doing. Now... if I had a steady girlfriend, life would be perfect. sure theres the day to day little things that piss you off, but if i was in love with someone in love with me and we were together, it would be the best thing that could happen. the little stuff wouldnt matter anymore. yeah, so im not that great a french student, so what? i'm an 80% student about, no better than english (thats only because we dont do pure short stories or poetry or reading w/o responding... grrr...)

getting published would be a pretty good thing also...

anyways... i'm going to bed now. and i hope things work out for me, and for all of you whom i care about. you all deserve to be happy, freya, kos, dark nova, scorpi, even ddms current girlfriend, roots kid.

off to bed... goodnight

5 days or so... i'm sorry all. i've abandoned you... but i'm back now.

sunday was sortof fun. i enjoy playing at concerts.

my love life is up in the air and i don't know where it will come down. I have to figure out who i want... well i know who i want... unfortunatly its many people. anyways...

i'm just torn between a lovely girl who reminds me of nicky and dark angel...

but, in the end it will all work out.

i've decided that vicki has to hear it from me... about my feelings about her. but when i tell her, i also will tel lher that if she thinks we're better of as friends... well i can live with that... in hopes of finding someone new.

I don't think this other girl will work out. I think she's just afraid to tell me that she doesn't have similar feelings for me... but i could be wrong.

And if vicki and i get back together... all the better.

i miss our nights together

anyways... i need sleep tonight... not like last night.

i really cant say more except that the next few days will be fairly important... the next week actually if i get together with vicki sometime this weekend.

well... later all.