Wednesday, December 17, 2003
amazing what one day can do...
before i begin... i do love scorpi... i have real feelings for her...
but... at the same time... well, those of you who know me, know that im emotionally dependant, as our good friend DDM would say. I need to be loved and held. And... I dunno... scorpi doesn't seem to want to do that.
its so frustrating to love her, to want to be with herbut also to want her to want to be with me... and she doesnt show it...
an example of what i was like as a child... stubborn, not wanting to show weakness, love is aweakness, dont want to rely on anybody type of thing...
and she'll grow out of it... in time...
i'm going to try and accelerate the process... because this isnt the kind of relationship I want... and if i can make her see that love isnt a weakness and that sometimes you have to rely on somebody, then perhaps we can make it the kind of relationship i want it to be. I know we can... the question is, will it happen?
if it doesn't happen...
i'll probably slip back into depression... perhaps further than i was before... perhaps i'll try again with vicki... pick up where i left off...
i still love vicki but... it's just too drastic a change for her to make, i dont think she can even if she wanted to
the other problem is that... i cant see anybody loving me. i'm paranoid... i cannot see somebody wanting me the way i want scorpi... but i guess anything is possible...
i cried today for the first time in a long time.
and i will again tomorrow probably...
all i want out of life is somebody who loves me as much as i love them... somebody i love as much as i love scorpi and who loves me just as much, and who is willing to show it. None of this "independance" crap... no one can be completely independant... i know, i tried to be and it made me a fucked up, fat, depressed person, who has no social skills...
im losing weight though! or at least, losing fat.
i dunno... i want to change scorpi quickly... bring her into maturity more quickly... but that would probably require changing who she is... do i have a right to change a person, even if it's for the better in my opinion?
yes... so i will try... and we will see just how mature vanessa can be...
farewell for now, my readers
before i begin... i do love scorpi... i have real feelings for her...
but... at the same time... well, those of you who know me, know that im emotionally dependant, as our good friend DDM would say. I need to be loved and held. And... I dunno... scorpi doesn't seem to want to do that.
its so frustrating to love her, to want to be with herbut also to want her to want to be with me... and she doesnt show it...
an example of what i was like as a child... stubborn, not wanting to show weakness, love is aweakness, dont want to rely on anybody type of thing...
and she'll grow out of it... in time...
i'm going to try and accelerate the process... because this isnt the kind of relationship I want... and if i can make her see that love isnt a weakness and that sometimes you have to rely on somebody, then perhaps we can make it the kind of relationship i want it to be. I know we can... the question is, will it happen?
if it doesn't happen...
i'll probably slip back into depression... perhaps further than i was before... perhaps i'll try again with vicki... pick up where i left off...
i still love vicki but... it's just too drastic a change for her to make, i dont think she can even if she wanted to
the other problem is that... i cant see anybody loving me. i'm paranoid... i cannot see somebody wanting me the way i want scorpi... but i guess anything is possible...
i cried today for the first time in a long time.
and i will again tomorrow probably...
all i want out of life is somebody who loves me as much as i love them... somebody i love as much as i love scorpi and who loves me just as much, and who is willing to show it. None of this "independance" crap... no one can be completely independant... i know, i tried to be and it made me a fucked up, fat, depressed person, who has no social skills...
im losing weight though! or at least, losing fat.
i dunno... i want to change scorpi quickly... bring her into maturity more quickly... but that would probably require changing who she is... do i have a right to change a person, even if it's for the better in my opinion?
yes... so i will try... and we will see just how mature vanessa can be...
farewell for now, my readers
// posted by Dep @ 10:13:00 p.m.
