Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

heh... well I disagree with the "sexy" part of this but here it is anyways... my personality based on my month of birth.

DECEMBER:
Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in
games and interactions.Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in
organizations. Fun to bewith. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves
attention. Loves to be loved.Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short
tempered. Changingpersonality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in
oneself. Hates restrictions.Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical

Actually I forgot a few things I wanted to mention as well. One is this, which I took from a friend but I find it really touching and completely true for me as well.
"I Love You Unconditionally"
I will love you no matter how you treat me.
I will love you and be here for you even if you think that you don't need me, or even that you can't trust me.
If you are down and think that no one else cares, remember that I hold a special place for you in my heart, and that I'm here, waiting to show you that you matter.
No matter where we go in life, whether we move to another city or country, I will do my best to make sure that you can know how to contact me, no matter where our friendship may lie, at any time that you need me.
I do not expect you to love me back, or even to like me back, though if you do, that would be dandy.
I love you because you are you, not because I expect you to pay me back somehow, throughout our friendship. All that I expect of you is that you be yourself.
I love you.

Just found that really touching

Alright, laterz

Current Music: The Reason Is You (Hoobastank)
Current Mood: Content :D

Let me start, as has become almost normal, with song lyrics. (go song lyrics!)

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over now
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over now
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over nowA
nd the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I'm now
And the reason is you
-The Reason Is You (Hoobastank)

So, lets get some mundane trivialities out of the way before I start on the heavier stuff.

College is awesome. No arguements tolerated, COLLEGE IS AWESOME! *loves college* and I love the people I've met there who are more mature, think deeper and I find are worth knowing more than those people who I knew back in high school (with a few exceptions... Freya and Andarta and Raven chiefly).
Courses are going fine... I found that a lot of them don't require much work, so I've ended up skipping a lot of them. Have a test on monday though so most of the weekend will be revision. (test in calculus)

I've finished Andarta's present (which I've been working on for two weeks now) and it looks awesome. I'm going to be mailing it to her, along with a very long letter, tomorrow after school.

Story... yes I know! But things have been kindof up in the air for the past few weeks... but most of them came down yesterday and so I am (after I finish the test on monday) now ready to begin writing. As I said, the first story is going to be called Dawn and it'll be done in... well I may just take a few long hours tomorrow and write the whole first draft. Maybe do some editing on the weekend, but I'll be posting the rough draft of at least the first chapter on my website sometime on the weekend. So watch for that (I'll post here too).
Pain in my leg is gone from my muscle cramp (or whatever that was) earlier in the week. Feels fine now.

I have taken a vow to stop drinking soft drinks. I find that caffeine tends to depress me and also that when I cut out soft drinks from my diet, my weight goes down a lot. So I am going to stop drinking them completely for a while (a month, two maybe even three) and then when I have reached my goal in weight, I will limit myself to one can a day. But usually, once I stop drinking soft drinks, I find it's hard to start again, because I hate the taste. I can't drink Pepsi anymore and I used to all the time. My goal in weight loss is about 180 lbs (slightly under 60lbs less than what I currently weigh) but honestly... I'll stop when I am truly happy with the way I look. I don't mind a little fat, but at the moment it's just too much for me to like the way I look. If this doesn't work, I plan a similar vow versus chocolate. (hopefully it won't go that far though)

Alright... the major issue: Andarta.

The title of this post is "The Blue Faerie" which I'm sure only Andarta will get. LOL.

Yesterday and today I had a lot of time to think about things in my life and what was important. I realized that yes I was missing some opportunities (Though no obvious ones that I've noted). But I figured something out. Between Andarta and anyone else I know... I would pick her all other things being equal. I think, in my mind, that she is the person who is most right for me. Also... for me, dating has always been the search for someone to spend your life with... that special person. I know some people get frightened if I start thinking very long term in relationships so I won't say that I picture Andarta and I getting married one day, as Dragon and Scorpie do. But I do think that, out of all the people I know, she has the highest chance (and that's a fairly high chance too) of being that special person. It feels right. And if she was here, I wouldn't think twice about dating her. So what does the distance change? Does it change my feelings for her? No. Does it change her personality or anything about her? No. Does it change the most important things in a relationship? No it doesn't. Relationships to me have always been about caring and loving the other person. The time spent together is something I really enjoy. But for the right person... I'm willing to endure a lot. And therefore... Andarta, in answer to your question Why? I will tell you this: "The Reason Is You". (hence why I picked the title). So... I suppose what I'm saying is... come and visit and lets see where this can go *hugs*.

I'm in a good mood now, having figured this out. I feel happy. Can't wait until your visit Andarta.

Alright... I'm done for now. Maybe another post tomorrow night.

*hugs to all and more hugs & kisses to Andarta*

Later

Last night I almost had myself talked into telling Andarta that we would just have to wait until we could be together more often. But... I then talked myself out of it. I, honestly, have no clue what's right and what is wrong where Andarta is concerned. Whether we're suppose to be together now, in the future or never is a mystery. But most things in life are a mystery, as they should be.

I'll freely admit... I don't like long distance relationships. They are painful, especially for insecure romantic cuddly people, like me. But... *sigh*.

Is Andarta special enough for me to endure all of that pain? I'm about five and a half weeks into my science program... it's looking pretty easy so far. (no major bumps in the academic program so far... high 80s in cal) so I think I have a pretty good shot at getting into CS at Waterloo. And even if I live in res (As has been suggested to me by everyone), I'm still really close (about 30minutes drive) to Andarta. Of course, there's always my "plan" (if one can call it a plan... more of a dream) that we live together in an apartment or something, get one with two rooms and rent the other one out, like Angelis and Freya do. It's a nice dream, I must admit... whether or not it's a reality, I suppose I just have to wait and see. I honestly don't know if Andarta is worth 11 months or 23 months of waiting here, with only the occasional visit from her, alone.

I've already said how painful it is and those of you like me probably know or can figure out just how painful it is. On the other side... I really like Andarta. I have this figured out now, I do like her. Just... I keep talking myself into telling Andarta that it's just not going to work... and then my heart revolts at the idea and I question what the hell I'm doing... and then something comes along to cheer me up and renew my faith. Next day: Repeat process. Have faith - lose faith - make plans to tell her its over - question plans - regain faith - have faith.

I think... I think what I should do is I should wait until Andarta visits here. To be honest... I don't think that the internet really can show how much feelings you have for a person... I think only meeting them in person can. So I think I should wait until she visits... and then just see what happens. To be honest, at this moment, I think when she visits, I'll find a lot of feelings for her... I think they are there and just the last few weeks have been really painful for me and the pain has buried the feelings. My heart still grows warm when I think of her too... it just did when I thought of her coming to visit and I thought of holding her. And... again, as I think I mentioned way earlier in the month, this might get easier over time (And hopefully will). We'll have to see where things go.

I am definately scratching the possibility that I tell her that it's going no place and it's over period. The feeligns are there I believe, I just have to find them again. So pretty much... it's going to be either we date over the net with a few visits whenever they can be arranged. (I'd visit her but her roommate said no male visitors, so I'd have to arrange for a hotel... which is expensive for three nights. (think like 250$ and up) and really... I can't afford that as I have to save for uni next year (hopefully). $100 for the ticket down was doable. However... I intend to take at least one tour of the campus before I apply to Waterloo and maybe another one afterwards. So I can visit her then, as I'll be getting my parents to drive me down and I'm sure they'd let me see her while there. My parents are actually more comfortable with the idea of me and Andarta dating... they may disapprove, but it's my life they say. That's one thing I love above my parents... They may disapprove and they'll make it known but they won't force their opinion on me.

So... yes... I think I'll be waiting, like Andarta is, to make a final decision on this matter when she visits. I'd like to spend some time with her anyways, even if we're not dating, because she is an awesome person and I'm sure, at the least, we'll be good friends. (though I think and hope and dream of so much more).

*hugs @ Andarta*

Hopefully that visit will come sooner than later. We were talking about the weekend before thanksgiving and the weekend after her midterms. No final dates yet though... hopefully some soon. I miss her and... to be honest, I'm getting a little impatient. Long distance relationships are easier, heck relationships in general are easier if one knows that it is going somewhere. (there's something to dream about and hold on to without worrying about it not happening. of course, it can end... but that's different.) But uni is really busy and I know Andarta will make the trip as soon as she can.

Alright... I'm finished.

Later all

(probably off to bed soon).

This weekend, I've tried to relax and not worry about life so much. It didn't work very well... I'm still worried about a lot of things. I'm glad I'm going back to school tomorrow, where I'll have the opportunity to distract myself with lots of friends and games and class.

As for Andarta... I've come to the conclusion that I'm leaving this in her hands. If she wants to come and visit and we'll see what goes on after that... then she's welcome here whenever she can get away. If she wants to tell me to forget the visit, then that's... well that's her choice. I'm honestly not sure about a lot of things that I was once sure of... but maybe her visit can reinstall some faith in me. Just want to finish with a quote from Moulin Rouge, if I may.. as I'm hitting the hay in about half an hour.

(from the song "El Tango de Roxanne")
You're free to leave me
but just don't decieve me
And please... believe me
When I say I love you

alright... maybe I'm a little paranoid, so I'm going to cut out bitching about this kindof stuff here... I doubt anyone really wants to read it anyways. Andarta... you know my true feelings and everything. *shrugs* what you decide is up to you... all I want it to be is the truth. Send me an e-mail tonight if you're not too tired when you get back and if you are, whenever you can. Thanks.

Later

Dep

It's really hard to have an on-line relationship, especially when you're not officially dating and you're not sure when you'll get to see each other again. I know this, the last few weeks have (my apparent mood at times to the contrary) pretty bad. It's not that I don't really like Andarta or that I like someone more or any of those things... it's that I'm a touchy-feely person (freely admit that and I'm proud of it) and any relationship in which I can't be with the person a lot is hard on me. I even had it suggested to me yesterday by a friend of mine that I tell Andarta that I just wanted to be friends and that if we had the chance in the future to see each other a lot more often (ie living near each other in uni or something) and we still wanted to go out with each other, then we could. The idea... I honestly considered it. I'm not sure what I want to do. I really really like Andarta but this is very very difficult. Freya believes in me, but sometimes having someone who believes in you isn't enough. *sigh*.

So... pretty much I'm going to let things go as they go. I'll see Andarta when I see her and until then I'm going to try not to worry about anything. What happens, happens.

I'm also getting a little paranoid... sometimes Andarta seems distant and, although there could be a perfectly logical explanation for this (and probably is), still sometimes it makes me think. Especially after I talked with Jaz about her and her boyfriend and how she just didn't like him anymore (they have a long-distance relationship, though not quite so bad) in that way but didn't want to tell him this because he claims to be in love with her and she knows how much she'd hurt him. I worry sometimes that this is the case with Andarta and I... but Andarta knows, and I've told her many times, that I want the truth from her. If she doesn't give it, there's really nothing I can do. As I said above, I'm letting things go as they go. What happens, will happen.

Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.

Later all.

*thirsty* I need water... grr!

Seriously, almost no one else but me blogs anymore. I haven't seen one from Andarta or Freya or Raven or Scrabble in a while. Only people who write in journals are my new friends from Heritage... but that's not blogging as they're on live journal (Traitorus people!). But I suppose with university for Andarta, work/Angelis for Freya, life for Raven (Whatever he's up to these days, haven't spoken to him in a while) and work/school/Aaron for Scrabble, life can get kind of full. I feel sortof guilty that I've got all this free time to post stuff and talk to anyone who comes on-line.

*sigh*

Alright, time for some music and some cleaning

*hugs* to all

Later

school's going awesome, lots of great people there, boring classes that I can skip and interesting classes that I go to.

I've posted a poem for anyone who's a real fan of my work. (all like 7 of you lol).

not much else to say. i've been going to bed early lately as I've been really tired. I had some problems with my leg on tuesday, it was in excruciating amounts of pain... felt like a vein was exploding. Luckily, it got better, but it still twinges if I stretch my leg the wrong way. Trying to up my calcium intake, my mom thinks it'll help. (this was so bad I woke my parents up in the middle of the night, I thought it was something really serious... and after I got up I was really dizzy and my ears were ringing.) but it got better and i'm better now except for that one thing about my leg twinging.

*hugs* @ andarta, as I haven't seen you in a bit.

Later all.

Alright... to this post, I want all of my friends to fill out the following and post it in the comments of this post. anyone who wants to is welcome to add this to their blog as well and I'll come fill it out for you! Just copy and paste it into your comment so you can fill it out. (The link to leave a comment is at the end of the post).

What Would You do if...
I cried:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got in a fight and you were there:
I got dumped:
I pissed you off:

What Do You Think Of My...
Personality:
Eyes:
Face:
Hair:
Clothes:
Voice:
Humor:
Choice of music:
Mannerisms:
Family:
Friends:
Decisions:

Would You...
Be my friend:
Tell me the truth no matter what:
Lie to make me feel better:
Spread rumors about me:
Keep a secret if I told you one:
Loan me some cash:
Hold my hand:
Take a bullet for me:
Keep in touch:
Try and solve my problems:
Love me:
Have sex with me:
Ditch me:
Use me:
Date me:
Rape me:
Beat me up:

Many thanks to Jaz, from who's journal I have stolen the above. As I said, fill it out in my comments. Use your net nickname if it makes you feel better. (and yeah it's a little bit... open, but it's all good!)

Alright, farewell for this evening. I'm spending the rest of the time working on something for Andarta, drawing my dream house (which I screwed up and now have to start again! grr!) and writing.

Later

I may end up reformating my drive again tonight... f*cking brother of mine, screws it up. I should make him reformat it. Either that or I'll leave it til the weekend. It's not like last time, when I couldn't open IE. Now I just can't open WMP. GRR!

sigh

Alright, frustration on that matter gone.

Later

but whatever, i'm here posting anyways.

I just would like to talk about a friend of mine (no names) who, at the moment, is having difficulties telling her current boyfriend that she's just not interested in him anymore. She's having problems because, like me, she's the really caring type who really doesn't like to hurt people. (and no I'm not implying anything here). It's really hard to do this sometimes, but in the end it's probably better if you just do it. The sooner you end it, the sooner the healing can begin. Yes, he's going to get hurt but he's going to be hurt anyways. (this guy, btw, claims to be in love with her). *hugs* to her

Freya dropped out of university today, she's going to spend the year working and then she's going to apply to Laurentian University next year. She's having some problems talking Angelis into going with her, but... well I think that if they love each other, they'll figure something out. People in love always do. *hugs* to her as well.

And *bear hug* to Andarta. I'm sorry we didn't get to talk earlier tonight, I suppose you were really busy.

so...yeah. I'm doing pretty good, life's going along, i've finished all my homework and now i'm going to go to bed and curse my 8AM gym class.

'night all.

my brother was on my computer today, after my parents kicked him off. I'm really upset because he fucked it up somehow! Windows Media Player won't open and I'm stuck here doing homework in silence *grr*

Alright... so yes I am doing homework and will be for the rest of the night. If you poke me on MSN, we can talk a bit, but my focus at this point must be on my homework.

Later

(I may post more after I'm done my homework)

I've got a pile of things to do, like putting away all these cards that are lying out and then a huge mound of homework. But I've got a song today for you all that I just heard on the radio. I think the song describes...well you'll see.

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that seperate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you still own my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rolling
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you still own my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you still own my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me
- "Here Without You" - Three Doors Down


I really like this song. I think you all can figure out who it's dedicated to *hugs Andarta* hope to see you later tonight, love, if we're both not too busy.

alright back to cleaning. grr!

later

Okay first, to Andarta. Sorry we didn't get to talk much... I had a friend over (And by friend I mean he invited himself over, even though I wasn't really in the mood to have him over and came upstairs to annoy me... he's left now) and... by what I said, I meant watch what you said, in case he catches a glimpse, not leave. But... it's all good now. I still miss you love, and I hope we get to talk later tonight, or barring that, tomorrow night (Though I may be doing homework most of the night... but I've got some stuff to do on the computer). After I finish my homework tomorrow, i'm not planning on writing any part of the story... but I'll be working on that at school probably, during my spares and such. I've got a host of ideas for it :D and for Andarta's trip too *suave smile*

As I said, it's an erotic love story of two teens trying to make a long-distance relationship work. It's got a few.... (well more than a few) steamy scenes, some really romantic bits and some really depressive bits. It's based a lot on Andarta and I, but most of the events are fictional (At least... now...).

Lots of things to do tomorrow... I've got an essay to write on the Purloined Letter, got a story to read, got two labs to work on and I've got a test on monday in chemistry. It's just one of those crunch times when everything seems to get really busy. Luckily, after tomorrow and monday, it'll be over for a while. I intend to spend a lot of this week, outside of class, writing the story. I'm trying to write a story with a happier ending than my last two this time and I hope that life has an equally happy ending as the story. I've also got a few friendship bracelets to weave for a few friends of mine. Buying the stuff for that tomorrow.

Alright, going to go settle something with my mom, then I'm c/p this to lj, then i'm going to bed.

Later.

*hugs, kisses & love for Andarta*

Dep

For everyone out there in cyberland who worries about me... have no more fears. I talked with Andarta tonight and everything's going fine. I have some songs to recommend for you all though! It's my current playlist (that I just remade). It's a lot of sappy love songs, but whatever. It's all good! Enjoy!

Where Ever You Will Go (The Calling)
Desperately Wanting (Better Than Ezra)
Your Song (Elton John)
When You're Gone (Matchbox 20)
Unwell (Matchbox 20 again)
American Pie (Don McLean)
New York Minute (The Eagles)
Suteki Da Ne (from FFX - Final Fantasy X)
Iris (The Goo Goo Dolls)
The Reason (Hoobastank)
She Will Be Loved (Maroon 5)
Come What May (Moulin Rouge)

and I'd also like to give some lyrics.

i dunno... i'm heavily into music at the moment and all I want to do is listen.

Lying here in the darkness
You hear the sirens wail
Somebody going to emergency
Somebody's going to jail
You find somebody to love in this world
You better hang on tooth and nail
The wolf is always at the door

'Cause in a new york minute
Everything can change
In a New York minute
Things can get a little strange
In a New York minute
Everything can change
In a New York minute

In these days
Darkness falls easily
And people rush home
To the one they love
You better take a fools advice
And take care of your own
'Cause one day they're here
Next day they're gone

In a New York minute
Everything can change
In a New York minute
Things can get a little strange
In a New York minute
Everything can change
In a New York minute

it's the song New York Minute (by the Eagles) and it is one of my favorite songs.

:D :D :D :D :D

So I've decided to continue work on my newest short story. It's an erotic story who's basic plot outline I have down now. (not that there's much of a plot... it's more for character). I'm goign to spend a lot of time writing it this week and hopefully I'll get it done for next weekend (or at least a rough draft.). Be looking for that sometime later this week.

Heck, if I'm bored and hyper enough, I might write part of it later tonight.

:D

Alright, I'll stop smiling now.

Later all.

Andarta came online tonight and I was really reminded just why I liked her so much. I'm in such an awesome mood now. She reassured me that my fears were groundless, she still liked me and she was still going to come see me and we kidded around more about what we were going to do. (I'm going to "torture" her. ;) ).

I've got a story to write now. It's entitled "Dawn" and it's really a story about Andarta and I, how we met and what we're going to be doing while she's here. It's kindof the "dawn" of a new relationship, something wonderful and good. It's also called that because Courtney really likes the name Dawn. I fully intend to write a sequel to this one, if it's good enough, which will be about a hypothetical wedding-honeymoon-trip across Canada/Europe. I don't know what that one's going to be called. A third one is also something I'd like to write someday... about the end of life for a married couple. (Again, hypothetically based on Andarta and I). This one I know what I'll call... it'll be called "Dusk" if I ever get to write it. I'd call the second one "Midday" but that doesn't fit. I need something... something poetic yet related to Dawn and Dusk, coming in between both. If anyone's got ideas, drop me a line.
So... no questions now... no doubts now. I'm good for at least a week and hopefully I'll get to see her more often now.
:D :D :D :D :D
Alright... I'm done posting for the day.
Hooray Hoory.
Laterz all.

Well... in a drastic but understandable change of tone from last night, here's another of my favorite songs

I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the music's bad
Why I feel so good but feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains

I'm only happy when it rains
Feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidently tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down on me

You can keep me company
As long as you don't care

I'm only happy when it rains
You'll only hear about my new obsession
I'm riding high upon a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains

*shrugs* I suppose I'm just in the mood for a sad song and this is one of my favorites. It's by Garbage, a british band. Haven't listened to it in almost a year.

I'm still waiting for an answer to my e-mail to Andarta... *sigh* maybe she'll come on-line tonight.

It's Friday and I'm not really happy about it... I actually look foward to school now, it's interesting, a lot more interesting than staying at home. Maybe I'll go out this weekend... not that there's anyone to go out with. grr.

And I've got a pile of homework to do this weekend... there goes my sunday.

Alright... that's about it.

Miss you Andarta.

Dep

I dunno... it seems like a date to remember. Perfect squares and all... not to mention I was born on the 16, 9 days before christmas (the 25th). Way too many squares in there... whatever.

*sigh* i hope Andarta comes online tonight. I'd like to talk to her... and if she doesn't, I may end up writing her a very long e-mail. In fact, I will if she doesn't show up by the time I'm exhausted.

I miss her.

So nothing really special going on... nothing blog-worthy.

Alright.. I'm going to write that long e-mail and if she's not on by the time I'm through, then... she'll have to live with an e-mail.

Laterz all

I found out today that Chapters is hiring here! So I went down to the mall (hence why i'm home at nine) and by mall I mean Rideau, and went to see what one had to do to apply. Turns out I need a resume and then they'll give me an availability sheet to fill out. So tonight I went and actually finally typed myresume. (Something I've been meaning to do for a while.) So tomorrow when I've got some time in between things going on, I'm going down to Rideau and doing what I must do to apply. (Probably in the morning... around 10AM. If I'm busy and don't feel like leaving (like if I have to do my math homework) then I'll do it on my way home I suppose.

Hopefully I'll get the job... it's like a dream come true, being able to work at Chapters!!!! (CHAPTERS!!!! ME THE BOOKWORM!)

Lol, alright, I'll stop.

I'm hoping Andarta will come on-line soon... *sigh* I really miss her. This is kindof frustrating, being apart from her. It would be easier if we were dating or if I knew when we were goign to meet again, but I suppose she's really busy with everything. (She's got a social life now and everything.) I suppose I'll wait til one or two and if she's not on, I'll drop her a line by e-mail.

So... yeah it's hard... but I still think I can make it. Freya believes in me and... well... if Freya believes in me, then I can do it. It'll be hard... and painful... and, to be honest, may not work out in the end, but i think it's possible at least.

Alright... I'm done for today. I'm going go read a book or something... maybe practice making friendship bracelets (yeah someone taught me how to do it today... guess what everyone's getting for xmas! lol, jk.)

Later all.

yeah, i'm getting tired and i've got a bloody class at 8 tomorrow...

i'm doing okay, schools going well... i'd like to thank Freya for her advice which consisted of "don't focus on how lonely you are, focus on when you'll see Andarta next" and it's advice i'm going to take. I'm going to try not to be so down that she's not here now and more happy that i'm going to see her soon (sometime within the next few weeks I hope... she still hasn't picked a new date, except that she's thinking about the end of september). Oh Andarta, if you're reading this... i'm still waiting for that blog *glare* lol just jk. But seriously, go blog! a long one! I want something to read at school. and i'm sry i'm not on tonight, i'm seriously about to conk out... but tomorrow night i'll be up til around 2 if you wanna chat. As for any other "possibilities" they're gone from my mind. Freya believes in me and my capability to see this through and that's enough for me... she's never been wrong yet. I'm really looking forward to her next visit... I've missed her a lot... well it has been what... almost four months? Four months to the day actually (in about four hours) since we've seen each other. Hopefully the day when we'll meet again will come sooner or later.

Alright, I think that's enough for now... Later all.

*hugs 4 andarta*

(k)

later

yeah I'm starting to get out of it.

Alright, so what's been happening?

Bowling was pretty much awful... I had awful scores. That's okay, it was my first time bowling in a few months so it's explainable.

I had a good friend of mine make a rainbow bracelet for me today. I've been wanting one for a while, but not a store-bought one. This is handmade and I really like it. Thanks!

Alright... that's about it for tonight. I'm really tired and I want to sleep. Later all.

*hugs to Andarta*

Greetings from Heritage College.

(sweet)

Alright, I'll be on later tonight to post more, at around 10-11 pm and I'm thinking of staying up late.

Later all.

i've got a few more things to do tonight but i'm thinking about dropping off to bed early tonight (around... 11pm-12am somewhere in there). sorry if anyone wanted to talk to me later than that... i'm exhausted and I do have school tomorrow.

so i'm definately doing better after last night... i'm sorry about that everyone. Sometimes things get me really down. I'm in a much better mood tonight.

Alright... as I said, I've got some things to do, then I'm going to clean off my bed and probably hit the hay unless Andarta or someone pops on between now and then. If I'm more awake when I get back I might stay on-line anyways, you never know. Sometimes I wake up and go on in the middle of the night.

Later everyone.

I can't make a long post I've got some things to do today and then I have bowling later tonight (first bowling night of the season which means from now on i'll be out from 6:45 til around 10 every sunday night.)

thanks Andarta for your blog... short as it may be it was what I needed to see. :D

As the title says, I think I'm alright now... some of these things you've just got to tough it out and as it goes, it gets easier.

Alright, I've got some things to print. I'll be hanging around with MSN open most of the day but I'll be doing other things so forgive me if I don't respond right away to anyone's comments.

Thanks again Andarta *hugs hard*

Later

well it looks like Andarta isn't coming online, therefore I will be off to bed soon.

I'd like to draw everyone's attention however, those of you with my private blog's address, to my lastest post there, a new musing.

enjoy.

later.

alright... it's time I told everyone, even Andarta (When she reads this) the truth. I'm done with bullshitting people and lying to everyone about how wonderful everything is and how happy I am. I am not happy. Everything is not wonderful. Food tastes like ashes and the world's returning to the bleak form that it once held. For the past week I've been trying to distract myself, cheer myself up and tell myself that everything's going to be alright. It hasn't worked... maybe it's because I'm paranoid. Everyone deserves an explanation for this and I'm hoping it'll make me feel a little better to have the truth out there.

I had an interesting thought just now and I've decided to take a minute to talk about it before I go into explanations. My depressions always seem to be accompanied by increased amounts of soft drinks in my diet. I'm wondering if my depression causes me to drink more soft drinks or if more soft drinks cause my depression. Maybe caffeine has this effect on me. I don't know, but it would be interesting. I think I'll attempt to cut soft drinks out of my diet again and we'll see if things get better. Back to what I'm feeling at the moment.

I really like Andarta. Andarta is an awesome person and I like knowing her and I'm willing to forgive her of a lot. She's already been forgiven of past transgressions and that is not part of the current problem. I want to make this clear to everyone, least you think I'm hinting at something which I'm not. The cause of our last breakup is not related at all to this. I honestly don't even think about it any more. I honestly really like her from what I know of her. But... I don't know if I like her enough to go through with a long-distance relationship. For love, I would and I might love Andarta... but love requires that two people spend time together. I've spent one night with her and honestly... that night might have been me being depressed and latching onto a person who I had feelings for (alcohol tends to amplify my feelings, therefore these could be feelings of any size). I don't know if it was or not, I'm just saying it's a possibility. I know I was incredibly happy for the next few days, which I take as a sign that it wasn't just the alcohol... so I consider the possibility that that night meant nothing to be an incredibly small one indeed. But... it still exists. Everything since then has shown me one thing... that we're incredibly similar people who want the same things out of a relationship. I think however, that just because we want the same things and like the same things, it doesn't mean that we'll work well together. That requires a feeling called love or really liking the other person. However... I do really like Andarta. I think that, were she here and not in Guelph, that we would be dating and I would be happy and not writing this. Long-distance relationships require something more though and that's what I'm not sure exists. Up until now I've been able to keep myself happy most of the time with the thought that Andarta was coming to visit and all the wonderful things she said and wrote about me and all the time we had together to talk. Sure maybe we wouldn't talk sometimes for two-three days, but that was understandable. But with her plans cancelled and pushed to an undetermined time, possibly later in the month... well... *sigh*

Last monday, when I found out she wasn't coming to visit, I felt.. .really awful. I tried to hide it from people but I don't think I suceeded. I was looking forward to seeing her so much and I had so many plans for what we'd do when she got here and then... everything came apart and it was really a downer. Now... now I must be honest, because I have sworn to do so here. I honestly don't know if Andarta even likes me that much anymore. She's in a new place and meeting new people and I know there is a chance that she'll meet someone that she likes more. University is filled with awesome people and I'm not all that awesome in comparison. This... this has been my main worry for the past day and it's the source of my MSN name "A single fear unleashes a torrent of nightmares" which comes from a magic card called "Echoing Decay". I also have "A single lie unleashes a tide of disbelief" but that's up there for different, unrelated reasons. (it's from a card called "Echoing Truth") *sigh* I suspect that maybe I'm just being paranoid... that Andarta will come on-line, read this and have a good laugh at my expense and tell me that I shouldn't worry that she still really likes me. I'm just... well I guess I'm just really insecure when it comes to relationships. If you look at my past, I think you can guess why... remember "Sam" anyone? There was Vicki which was really bad for me and Meagan who was even worse and an entire childhood and tweenhood full of rejection.

So let's put them together. While I'm not certain that I have the feelings for Andarta that will let a long-distance relationship last for a long time, I think that I have the feelings for her that make it a possibility and I think that when we meet... if we meet... that it'll show me whether or not I have the feelings for her to make it last for a long time. And I'm not certain if she has feelings for me anymore... but that may be paranoia. *sigh* I've got no clue anymore...

Long-distance relationships are hard. They're a great burden on people and most of them fail, for one reason or another. They're even harder for people like me, the touchy-feely people (yes I am one and to hell with anyone who will mock me for it... not that anyone who would should be on here) because ... well I'm the kindof person who likes physical contact with my girlfriend... stroking her hair or her skin, kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc, etc, etc. (anyone who knows me knows the full range of possibilites). Internet conversations... even with webcam/microphone just don't cut it somedays. There are days... well there are days and times when I wish that I was with someone here. I've actually met quite a few people in the past few weeks and some of them are really interesting people that, had I not met Andarta, I might consider dating. One's even a lot like her in a lot of ways (including the height, which is frightening and a few other things, also frightening). But... well for me, the thing is, I asked Andarta out and I really like her. Until I am certain that I like someone more than Andarta or until she tells me otherwise, I consider myself... promised to her as a boyfriend. I may joke around and I may flirt, but nothing more. I just think that somedays it would be easier for me to date someone here... and I think that I'd be happier in the short-term. But life is a long-term thing. Plus they say that if something is easy, it's probably not worth doing and I agree. Life refuses to make things easy for you. So... I really like Andarta and she is my choice. If I ever change my mind, I'll be sure to tell her at once, but for now and for the foreseeable future, she is my choice. I'm not certain if we can make it through the pain of a long-distance relationship and I'm not certain if we'll have a long happy relationship and I'm not even certain if we'll make it to a one-year anniversary. I'm not certain about anything regarding her and our future together, but nothing in life is certain is it. But I am certain about one thing... I'm willing to give it a chance and I'm willing to endure the pain. Pain's been a part of my life for a long time now... another year won't kill me. Forgive me if I'm depressed for parts of it and forgive me if I lash out and ignore people and write depressively. That's how I deal with lonliness. But the fact that I'll be lonely without her and that I'll miss her I think signifies something... I think it means that I do really like her and it's not just something I made up to make myself happy. Daren thinks so too. He said, back when we were dating, that I seemed truly happy for the first time ever, even more than when I was vicki, which I thought was "love". I also know another couple in love over a long-distance (I can't name names) and one of them has the same problem as me (maybe even both of them, but I haven't talked to the other one). I think I can make it. My only question now is whether or not Andarta is still interested in persuing a relationship with me...

I know I won't get an answer about whether or not we're dating until she visits and that's okay. I'm totally for that now, and I want to wait until she visits as well, just to make certain I really do have feelings for her and that they are strong and not alcohol-induced. But some little hint that yes she's still interested in me would be helpful. As I mentioned above, I'm insecure in relationships and I need... well not constant but occasional reminders that she still likes me. I try to give people these too... that's why I write long blogs about Andarta, to make sure she knows that I'm still interested. It's also why I write poetry and etc, etc, etc. (well one of the reasons... the other being to express myself and that's the more important one. But this is the reason that I show them my poetry.) Sometimes, just a hug is enough (even a virtual one) to help me. Today, and this past week, it hasn't been enough. I'm just so down this week that nothing seems to cheer me up. The news of Angelis's proposal cheered me up a bit, but even Freya noticed that something was wrong. I'm just glad she didn't make more inquiries into it over the phone (She'll have found out about it now... she reads this.) What I really want is just a few phrases from Andarta... a phone call, an e-mail, a blog entry whatever, saying she still really likes me and looks foward to seeing me. Hopefully she'll be on tonight... I think I'll be staying up until 1 or 2 tonight, just to wait for her. If not, maybe she'll send me an e-mail or something.

If things don't work out, if she's found someone else there, if she doesn't want the commitment and wants to explore other possibilties, whatever the reason... well I suppose that's her choice. I've always loved the quote about if you love someone, let them go and if they come back, they're yours forever, if they don't then they were never yours to begin with. I've never held a woman to me... if she wants to end it, all she had to do was tell me. I never argued (even when I should have) and I never took revenge. I suppose... on occasion I should have argued my cause. It's not that I don't care about the relationship... it's just that if you don't want to be with me, then I'm not going to make you be with me. i know I'm difficult to get along with sometimes, I can be stubborn, I can be stupid, I can be an utter jerk somedays, I can be thick-headed and I can be dull. I'm also very difficult to understand. I know that relationships don't work unless both people want to be together... therefore if you want to leave, I don't see the point in making you stay because it wouldn't work anyways. I think that people like Vicki never understood this about me. I think they took my lack of argument about us breaking up as a sign that I really didn't care whether or not we were together. Truth is I really did care, especially when I was with Vicki, and I was really broken up inside. I didn't argue with Andarta either when we broke up and I think maybe I should have knowing what I did at the time. Knowing what I know now, I don't think it would have mattered. But I think and hope that Andarta understands this about me. So... it's her choice whether or not to just say she's no longer interested. I'm hoping she doesn't... but I don't want her to take that in a manner such that she's inhibited to say that she does want to end it. Honestly it's not the end of the world for me though. If it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be and life goes on. Sure I'll be sad and depressed for awhile, but I'll get over that. And maybe I'll find someone else. I'd prefer to be with Andarta, but... well as I said, if it's not meant to be it's not meant to be. Que sera, sera. I know this though... whatever happens, I know that someone can like me a lot. I look back on Andarta's blog and I see all that she's written about me and I know that, for a time at the least (and hopefully still) someone really liked me. And the knowledge that someone didn't is a huge help... it gives me hope that if one person can, maybe others can too.

So... thank you for listening to me pouring my heart out. It actually didn't help much, so I'm just going to sit around and wait for Andarta to come on. Maybe call Vicki.

The future holds what the future will holds and the only way to know is to live.

sorry... I know I'm posting really sporadically today... ah well whatever.

I noticed something today and I find it funny. I find it funny how the chain of blog-writing has gone. I got it from Freya who I assume got it from Angelis (and also gave it to Raven) and from me, Scrabble started one who caused (in some order, I'm not certain) three-four other people to start one. It's really odd! And it's even odder reading about the lives of people I almost never talk to... I probably should talk to some of them more. Some of them are really interesting people from what I've read.

Lol, that's it for now.

Congrats again to Freya/Angelis.

Later

Well Angelis gave Freya a promise ring today. This is excellent news and all my best to the happy couple. (I am so going up there for the wedding).

I've heard a lot about Freya and Angelis over the year they've been together (today's their one year anniversary) and I must admit I'm a little envious of what they have. I wish that whatever relationship I end up in is one just like theirs.

Anyways, so I'm going to go eat now. Just thought I'd let everyone know the happy news.

Later all!

*sigh* i'm so down right now... I haven't talked to Andarta since monday night, four days ago and nor have I recieved any messages from her. She's probably just really busy today, with all the stuff surrounding her at university... yeah that's probably it.

(I am so f***ing paranoid)

So... I bet people want to know what's going on between the two of us. At the moment, I'm not sure. Last time we talked, she still wanted to wait until she sees me again, which is at an undefined point in the future. I'm going with that until she tells me otherwise...

*sigh*

I honestly think it's worth it... not completely sure that it's worth it but I think it is and my thoughts will be confirmed by her coming here and us spending more time together (or proven false but... whatever). I hope that that day comes as soon as possible...

To be honest, long-distance relationships are hard, I know that. But... what's worse is sitting in limbo. It's like this... I can't look for a girlfriend because I really like Andarta and therefore am willing to wait until she gives me an answer. But I still don't know what that answer is... she could meet someone else while she's at university, she could change her mind, a lot of things could happen. If we're dating, at least I have the knowledge that she wants to be with me and therefore the relationship, even the long-distance part of it, become easier to handle. Right now it's really difficult for me... we're not technically dating (Even though I act as though I am and sometimes accidently refer to her as my girlfriend but I don't know if she does that) so therefore I keep having visions of her finding someone else there and going with them instead of me. If this happens... well there's not much I can do about it is there? It's her life and her choices and I don't pretend that I can control any of them. It would be... very saddening. *sigh* I hope it doesn't happen... I'm probably just being paranoid.

Well enough of this. Hopefully Andarta will be on later tonight and we can talk some more or she'll reply to one of my e-mails. I'm going to go watch X-Men II at 9PM and i'll be back on at 11:30... tomorrow's not a school night so I've got a long time on the internet tonight. Until 9 I think I'll listen to some music and sing some... something sad and depressive... maybe evanescence, I'm in the mood for some of that.

Alright... later all

*hugs* to andarta and no matter what you decide you'll always be one of my friends.

Today is the one year anniversary of this blog. I'd like to take this opportunity to speak about the important people in my life and remenisce (and shuffle my graveyard into my library) about somethings. Mostly talk about the important people though.

Dragon is someone I don't talk about very much and when I do I usually just make fun of his hair, because he's so hairy. But really he's an awesome friend of mine who'd I'd always help if he was in need. We used to be very similar people but we've drifted apart in personalities over the years since we've met, but that's okay. Everyone changes.

It's odd though. Sometimes I think about what my life would be life if just one thing was different. Dragon is involved in one of these ideas... what if I had never met him...

Well if I never met Dragon or if we hadn't become really good friends, then I would have never met Freya, Raven or Andarta. Scorpie and Dragon would have probably never met as I'm fairly certain that I introduced them, but you never know, it might have happened anyways. I think my life would be completely different now without all these people in my life, and probably a worse one. Just for this alone, I'm happy that I met dragon though there are a lot of other reasons.

Raven, though we never talk anymore, is another one of my awesome friends. I can remember a lot of times that I've come to him for advice and he hasn't led me astray yet. He also tells me what I need to hear and what I should know and for that I thank him. Not to mention he's full of awesome ideas, like the danish one (yum yum lol). He's helped me through some difficult times (like New Years Eve 2003) and for that he has my thanks.

Freya has, in the past, always been there for me to lean on and I've been there for her. We've had our fights and misunderstanding and our disappointments, but in the end it all works out. She's an awesome person who reads me like a book... and then found a perfect person for me to share my life (maybe, hopefully) with. For this she has my deepest undying thanks and my friendship forever.

Heh, I still remember the first time the four of us had a net conversation together. Dragon stole Freya's name and font and Raven did it too so no one could tell who was who talking. It was hilarious. We should do that again if we could all get online... but things change.

I must, of course, mention one of the greatest influences (be it a negative or positive one I'm still not sure) on my life, who would be Vicki. She's probably had the greatest impact upon my life out of all the individuals. She's gotten me addicted to many new forms of music and she's taught me a lot about life. I must say at this point that I have no hopes and no desire of dating her again ever... I think it finally got through that we want different things out of a relationship and therefore it wouldn't work between us. (Of course things can change, but thats how it is at the moment). But she's still one of my good friends and I hope she will be for a long time to come. She's still an awesome person, whether or not she believes it, and I really like knowing her and having her around to talk to sometimes.

(By the way, don't let order fool you... I'm just talking about people at random. It doesn't mean that one person is more important to me than the others... almost all people are equally important to me if I like them).

Then there's of course Scorpie. She may act like a bitch at times but she doesn't fool me... I know she thinks of me as one of her good friends and I think of her in the same way. She's... well I think she described it best when she said she liked me like a brother. She's like a sister to me... a real sister, the sister I never had and never will have. She's someone I can go and talk to when I've got problems in life and really just want to talk about them. With other people... raven and dragon and even vicki, I just can't talk about some of my problems though with freya I can (but Freya's not around much anymore). Sometimes I don't want advice... I just want talk about my problems and I just want someone to listen and someone's shoulder I can cry on occasionally. I'm not stupid, I know what to do about my problems... I just find that it helps to talk about them sometimes.

Scrabble has to get a mention in here. She's given me some good advice and tried to pound some things into my head over the years (those of you who've read her story about me know this... the ideas behind that story are true and, although I never hit her, my reactions were pretty much as hardheaded) and I thank her for it. And she's been there for me a few times as well and I thank her for that as well.

Finally, and I do think I saved the best for last, Andarta. She's the person whom I think has the best understanding of what it's actually like to be me, which is a very hard concept for most people as I am a complete contradiction. But she's a lot like me and I think she understands what it's like and that's why we connect so well. We see a lot in each of the other. Andarta's a very important person to me and I really hope that our relationship goes beyond just friends into something deeper, and I know the feelings exist for this, I just don't know if they'll survive the distance factor. I think I can handle it... not completely sure, but I think that I can. I mean we will be able to talk over the phone, chat over the computer and I'm planning on buying a microphone/webcam soon, therefore we can have video conversations too. If she wants one, I can even get her a set too and we have have two-way voice/video conversations over the internet which is a damnsight cheaper than longdistance bills. Plus we will have time together. But Andarta and I... I think we can make it work. We've had one breakup, which I see as a bump in the road. After all, Freya and Angelis had a few of those, right? So if we make it through this and get back together, I think we've got a good chance of having a meaningful relationship that might go somewhere (lol I'm not going to say anything more about that, since I don'twant to think too far ahead.)

A lot has changed in the last year. I've met Andarta, Dragon and Scorpie got together, broke up and got back together (seriously) again, I got completely over Vicki, Scrabble and her boyfriend Aaron got together and I think I've changed one hell of a lot since then. I won't even try to say how, I'm just too different.

Happy one year anniversary of this blog everyone... and I hope it'll be another awesome year to come.

Until next time.

Dep

sorry I really am really tired as of late, so I think it'll be another early night for me... just going to do my homework, eat some food and read until maybe 10PM.

I finally got last night's blog up, sorry about that all... dunno what's with blogger. I even tried this morning and it wasn't working.

So I talked with my parents last night about a trip to Guelph sometime in the next few weeks and they're... okay with it. They aren't terribly enthustiastic but after I said i'd pay for all expenses and they'd have to do nothing, they told me I wouldn't be punished for my actions nor would they call the police. Therefore if Andarta will have me, I think I'll be going to visit her either in two weeks or three, as I need to work around a bio test I have coming up. It sucks because all my tests are on Fridays in bio/chem and I have math stuff due thursday.ah well. more on this after I talk to Andarta about it (which will be either tomorrow night which I do plan to stay up late or I'll post about it if she sends me an e-mail tonight.)

Freya's got her blog back up, which is awesome, even if it is on a limited basis. And Freya... yes I get the joke and I'm sure Raven and any other fan of monty python will. (and perhaps all british people too.. not sure if that's a british euphamism but I believe it is). hehe... and I won't mention who she's talking about... but I'll give you three hints... he's a he, he's sitting in my chair and his name is Robert. (and that would be a harry potter joke if anyone gets that)

Alright, off to food. I will maybe post afterwards if the book can't hold my attention. Later all.

PS: Go download the song Suteki da Ne, it's a beautiful song in Japanese. (thanks Scrabble) you can get the lyrics off of Scrabble's blog if you want them.

sorry all, but I am exhausted, frustrated with the world and I'm hoping a long bit of rest for me will do me some good.

Andarta's had to reschedule her plans to come visit here due to conflicts with her back to school stuff. That's... well it's disappointing to me (not disappointed in her but it's a let down just the same) because I was looking foward to seeing her so much. But hopefully we'll be able to find another weekend. Andarta if you're reading this before you check your e-mail, I sent you an idea, that I come and visit you sometime in the near future if you can't get away. Think about it.

grr lots of frustrating things, but they're all minor besides that one and they're all on the mend. I have some stuff to go print then I'm going to drink some water then I'm taking a short shower then I'm going to bed (I am exhausted).

Alright, later all.

PS: Lol, just an item of curiosity, I've noticed that there are a few people who read this with whom I rarely (if ever) speak with... *looking in rhonda and cindy's direction* well if the crazy notion ever gets in anyone's head to actually add me to their msn and that is most certainly a crazed notion as I'm crazy and it's my notion (or is it my motion? oh! lol i am so insane) then my e-mail is darkelfpoet@hotmail.com and you are welcome to, should you ever wish to actually talk to me rather than read about my boring boring life on here.

PPS: Cindy I love your website.

Alright, I posted the poem that was floating around in my head... while writing it I got the idea for another but I wanted to take advantage of the pause in my writing to post more about the party...

scrabble, her boyfriend Aaron, myself, Scorpie, her brother (Kingpin), and various relations of darens were at the party. the party consisted of loud blaring good music (They even had the time warp!), some pool, some darts, some loud off-key singing, some dancing, some swimming in the pool, eating various food (hotdogs and corn on the cob as I remember) and drinking various alcoholic beverages. Oh and a lot of talking. luckily the cops didn't make a stop by though they did almost catch one member of the party with a bottle of alcohol (no names). See Scrabble and her boyfriend left around midnight to go home (they live nearby) so we all went with them (By we I mean me scorpie, kingpin and dragon). unfortunately, one of us forgot that we were minors and not allowed to walk around with opened bottles of vodka cooler. and then the cops stopped to talk to us about two blocks from dragon's house. luckily this person wasn't caught, so it all ended well. but it could have been bad (well funny if you're not the person I suppose lol). said person was smart enough (And not intoxicated enough) to hide the bottle behind their leg. and then to ditch the bottle later.

on the whole, the party was enjoyable. As I'm certain I said before, dragon's mom really knows how to throw an awesome party. must remember to find an excuse to have her throw another one soon lol.

hmm... speaking of parties, my 18th is in a few months. *evil grin* i know what I'm doing. I'm inviting all my friends who can be here (I know Freya and Andarta probably won't be able to be here) and we're going to do the following (not neccesarily in this order). 1) Listen to loud music. 2) Go swimming. 3) Drink alcohol. 4) Talk. 5) Maybe play pool if i can clean off the pool table. I plan to have the party the weekend after my birthday, that way I can have the honor of walking down to the SAQ myself and purchasing alcohol. I don't really know for sure who's coming but definatly Dragon, Scorpie, Vicki and maybe a few others. (trying to keep this one small). I'd love it if Andarta and Freya could come, but probably not. That's okay though because I'm thinking about (and this is really advanced planning, but whatever) of going up there to visit after my birthday but before christmas. (obviously I'd like to be back here for christmas). Ahh... lots of things I have to do and lots of things that this depends on.

Hmm... must remember to call vicki tomorrow night. I was suppose to do it tonight but she's got school tomorrow so I'm not going to interrupt her sleep (or rather her reading/drawing until 4AM). I just wanted to see if her mom had let her go shopping next weekend with Andarta and I.

Alright, so party details revealed. I may post more later, but right now I want to go write that next poem!

Later all

currently I'm a little peeved. Some nice person infected our other computer with yet another virus and that computer is the only one with a working printer... therefore I have no printer. This is a bad thing as I just spent an hour and a half on a lab report due tomorrow... I suppose I could print it at school tomorrow but I've already got one lab report to type at school tomorrow and I've got a story to read for english lit. grrr. At least it's all due tomorrow and the rest of the week is pretty empty.

i miss andarta... i think i'll be posting another poem later tonight... but i haven't talked to her since saturday night... i'm almost sorry i went to that party last night. (almost but not quite... dragon having to sing and dance for his gifts was hilarious.) ah well... hopefully she'll be on later tonight and if not, then hopefully she'll be sending me an e-mail. I'm kindof curious whether or not she'll be coming for sure to Ottawa later this week.

alright... i'm in the mood to write, therefore I'm going to be writing at least one poem (I've already got about half of it in my mind) and maybe more and then maybe i'll work on the story (though I honestly suspect the story will have to wait til after Andarta's visit... you'll see why when I finish writing it).

later all.

dude, Dragon's mom sure knows how to throw a party... i just wish she had better taste in vodka cooler brands.

currently I have the remenants of a hangover, a cold, allergies, allergies to darens cat and severe exhaustion. my planned cure is 15 minutes of getting a lot of the crap left out in my room away, 15 minutes of eating pizza/hotdogs, 15 minutes of drinking water and then two hours of sleep.

No honestly, I've got some stuff left to put away and some things to do before Andarta gets here (three more days omg I'm so excited!) and I honestly need a hot bath and some water (bloody hangovers).

so i'm going off now. i'll be back on in a few hours (close to 9 probably until midnight or one as I have class tomorrow) at which point I may post more re: party and re: andarta (THREE MORE DAYS!)

later

dude, Dragon's mom sure knows how to throw a party... i just wish she had better taste in vodka cooler brands.

currently I have the remenants of a hangover, a cold, allergies, allergies to darens cat and severe exhaustion. my planned cure is 15 minutes of getting a lot of the crap left out in my room away, 15 minutes of eating pizza/hotdogs, 15 minutes of drinking water and then two hours of sleep.

No honestly, I've got some stuff left to put away and some things to do before Andarta gets here (three more days omg I'm so excited!) and I honestly need a hot bath and some water (bloody hangovers).

so i'm going off now. i'll be back on in a few hours (close to 9 probably until midnight or one as I have class tomorrow) at which point I may post more re: party and re: andarta (THREE MORE DAYS!)

later

nothing much really happened today... a fairly dull day.

tomorrow i've got to go into the school and pick up some stuff that i'd forgotten and then i'm going to a friend's b-day party, which is a sleepover, then i'll be back sometime monday which i'll probably spend doing the rest of my homework.

I'll try to get on monday night, but who knows... it depends on how much homework and how exhausted i am.

right now i think i'm going to play some music and start writing that story of mine. maybe even get it finished. i'll leave msn open until I go to bed in case anyone shows up on-line.

so... off to do that then. later all.

Dep

I forgot... usually I greet each new month! WELCOME TO SEPTEMBER (belatedly).

Well it has been almost a year (And in fact will be in a few days) since I started this blog. It's odd how much it's changed and I've changed in a year... I look back upon previous posts and I hardly recognize my own writing... and I suppose a year from now I'll look back and hardly recognize this post.

We're also down to (yes I'm keeping track) 5 days and 16.5 hours until (hopefully, barring anything going wrong) Andarta arrives here. Lots I'd like to say about this, but most I won't (I HAVE TACT GO ME! lol.) Yeah, that wasn't tactful. So sue me.

Some things I will say, I'm even more excited. Some of you know that I like to daydream a lot, and I find myself daydreaming a lot about her and I and what we'll do together. I suppose it's good to dream and have dreams, that way you have something to work towards. Yeah I know that maybe not all dreams come true, but I still think that dreams can come true and I'm hoping that some of mine will. I suppose it's obvious what I dream of, if you've read my poetry recently lol. (If you haven't, go read my poetry blog, the link's ---> that way.) There's a lot of things I want us to see and do while she's here and I don't know if four days is enough lol. Ah well, I suppose there will be more visits. I certainly hope that there will be more visits. I just hope she's able to come... she mentioned that it's possible that there may be more mandatory things that she has to go. I really hope not, as I'm really looking forward to seeing her again (After what... almost four months... omg). It honestly doesn't seem like four months.

The time has gone so quickly... it seems like only a few days ago I was really depressed and heading up to Freya's party in a van with the intentions of getting drunk. And then, after meeting Andarta, being so... so content on the van ride to sudbury, even though I had one of the worst hangovers that I've ever had. That whole trip seems like it only took place a few days ago... and yet it's been over four months since I've seen Andarta. I am really really excited that she's going to be coming here. It's just... undescribable. All the events of the past four months seems to be... just... compacted. This usually happens with me... time compresses my memories, eliminates the details and keeps only the broad strokes of each memory. Some memories are engraved however in my memory forever. One such memory is of kissing Andarta that night (or rather that morning). I've got a few from that night. Of holding her hand, of buying bawls at the depanneur... so many good memories from then. I hope to go back... I actually liked timmins and wish I could have seen more of it.

but it doesn't seem like four months.

it especially doesn't seem like over a month since Andarta and I made up... that seems like just two days ago... when really it was over a month ago that I was considering dating vicki again, then she came back into my life. I'm really glad I decided to reopen communications with her... I honestly think it's one of the best decisions of my life. I'm sure a few of you disagree but... blah. You go live your own lives.

I'm really happy she's going to be here. I have a lot more I'd like to talk about, but honestly some things one just doesn't tell most people.

(maybe in my private blog, later tonight or tomorrow)

So I'm still planning on writing another story. One or two of you might remember that about six months ago I tried writing a more... erotic story? Well I was thinking of trying my hand at it again. If you've got an opinion on this, leave a comment or something. Or send me an e-mail. I love getting mail.

Speaking of mail, I have a new e-mail address. It is the one I use at school and therefore, if you really want to contact me ASAP, send me it there as it's the only one I can check at school (I can't get into hotmail). The e-mail is rturnbull@cegep-heritage.qc.ca . Also use it for any official business you have with me, if you want to send me stuff about the alumni group or anything else, please send it there. Hotmail is for friends and friendly e-mails.

alright... I suppose that's enough for tonight here... I may add more onto my private blog later.

Later all.

I see it's been a few days since I posted, sorry about that. Last night I was so exhausted... and then it didn't help that I had to call vicki (or rather she called me) because it was her b-day monday and I didn't call (because I was exhausted) therefore I continued to be exhausted and will probably just go to bed sometime soon. (in fact, if andarta wasn't leaving tomorrow, i'd be in bed already, but i've decided to stay up and check my e-mail/chatterbox occasionally for any sign of her).

i'm not going to post a musing tonight, i'm just to exhausted to be really philosophical, but I do have a bone to pick.

lovely PWHS which we thought was so awesome and all has instituted a stupid stupid stupid stupid STUPID rule that I just found out today and that Daren found out the hard way about. Visitors to the school must check in, be approved by the principle and the viceprinciple and must be on official buisness. No social calls. No visiting friends. No visiting old teachers. Only buisness. (my god what is that school coming too).

alright i've picked my bone. i'm debating going into pwhs tomorrow to see if I can get past their watchful eyes. probably will, go with vani on the bus.

(i miss several people)

Andarta's leaving tomorrow for university. I'm going to miss her for the few days that she'll be without internet... there is one upside though. i'll finally be able to catch up on my sleep.

(8 more days to go!!!!!)

Oh, my mom and I have figured out sleeping arrangements today. *evil grin* this is good....

"You two will have seperate official sleeping locations while she stays under our roof."

and... well, from my mom's attitude and reactions to certain... provocative questions, she means this...

"You two are suppose to be sleeping seperatly but really you can sleep whereever you want as long as you don't tell me about it and you're not making it excessively obvious."

I know why she's doing it... but actually this topic is better left to my private blog. ah well, i might write more about it later.

(not tonight)

so tonight's plans, as I have no school tomorrow (i have one class, it's cal, I know what she's teaching, it's easy and I'm done the worksheet and handed it in already.) are to stay up for a while longer, listening to music and such, writing Andarta an e-mail and maybe even writing some poetry *shrugs*. I then intend to go to sleep around midnight, 1AM as I doubt Andarta will be on that late, if she's leaving tomorrow. (I am, of course, assuming they're making an early start... I could be wrong you know and she could be on later. If so, I'm sorry I missed you Andarta and send me an e-mail!)

alright, that's about it for now. laterz all and I will add to my private blog tomorrow night (hopefully i'll be better rested... in fact I may just blow off school altogether and just sleep until noon tomorrow... i think I need it.)

later