Tuesday, September 28, 2004
has the world gone crazy or is it just me?
Last night I almost had myself talked into telling Andarta that we would just have to wait until we could be together more often. But... I then talked myself out of it. I, honestly, have no clue what's right and what is wrong where Andarta is concerned. Whether we're suppose to be together now, in the future or never is a mystery. But most things in life are a mystery, as they should be.
I'll freely admit... I don't like long distance relationships. They are painful, especially for insecure romantic cuddly people, like me. But... *sigh*.
Is Andarta special enough for me to endure all of that pain? I'm about five and a half weeks into my science program... it's looking pretty easy so far. (no major bumps in the academic program so far... high 80s in cal) so I think I have a pretty good shot at getting into CS at Waterloo. And even if I live in res (As has been suggested to me by everyone), I'm still really close (about 30minutes drive) to Andarta. Of course, there's always my "plan" (if one can call it a plan... more of a dream) that we live together in an apartment or something, get one with two rooms and rent the other one out, like Angelis and Freya do. It's a nice dream, I must admit... whether or not it's a reality, I suppose I just have to wait and see. I honestly don't know if Andarta is worth 11 months or 23 months of waiting here, with only the occasional visit from her, alone.
I've already said how painful it is and those of you like me probably know or can figure out just how painful it is. On the other side... I really like Andarta. I have this figured out now, I do like her. Just... I keep talking myself into telling Andarta that it's just not going to work... and then my heart revolts at the idea and I question what the hell I'm doing... and then something comes along to cheer me up and renew my faith. Next day: Repeat process. Have faith - lose faith - make plans to tell her its over - question plans - regain faith - have faith.
I think... I think what I should do is I should wait until Andarta visits here. To be honest... I don't think that the internet really can show how much feelings you have for a person... I think only meeting them in person can. So I think I should wait until she visits... and then just see what happens. To be honest, at this moment, I think when she visits, I'll find a lot of feelings for her... I think they are there and just the last few weeks have been really painful for me and the pain has buried the feelings. My heart still grows warm when I think of her too... it just did when I thought of her coming to visit and I thought of holding her. And... again, as I think I mentioned way earlier in the month, this might get easier over time (And hopefully will). We'll have to see where things go.
I am definately scratching the possibility that I tell her that it's going no place and it's over period. The feeligns are there I believe, I just have to find them again. So pretty much... it's going to be either we date over the net with a few visits whenever they can be arranged. (I'd visit her but her roommate said no male visitors, so I'd have to arrange for a hotel... which is expensive for three nights. (think like 250$ and up) and really... I can't afford that as I have to save for uni next year (hopefully). $100 for the ticket down was doable. However... I intend to take at least one tour of the campus before I apply to Waterloo and maybe another one afterwards. So I can visit her then, as I'll be getting my parents to drive me down and I'm sure they'd let me see her while there. My parents are actually more comfortable with the idea of me and Andarta dating... they may disapprove, but it's my life they say. That's one thing I love above my parents... They may disapprove and they'll make it known but they won't force their opinion on me.
So... yes... I think I'll be waiting, like Andarta is, to make a final decision on this matter when she visits. I'd like to spend some time with her anyways, even if we're not dating, because she is an awesome person and I'm sure, at the least, we'll be good friends. (though I think and hope and dream of so much more).
*hugs @ Andarta*
Hopefully that visit will come sooner than later. We were talking about the weekend before thanksgiving and the weekend after her midterms. No final dates yet though... hopefully some soon. I miss her and... to be honest, I'm getting a little impatient. Long distance relationships are easier, heck relationships in general are easier if one knows that it is going somewhere. (there's something to dream about and hold on to without worrying about it not happening. of course, it can end... but that's different.) But uni is really busy and I know Andarta will make the trip as soon as she can.
Alright... I'm finished.
Later all
(probably off to bed soon).
I'll freely admit... I don't like long distance relationships. They are painful, especially for insecure romantic cuddly people, like me. But... *sigh*.
Is Andarta special enough for me to endure all of that pain? I'm about five and a half weeks into my science program... it's looking pretty easy so far. (no major bumps in the academic program so far... high 80s in cal) so I think I have a pretty good shot at getting into CS at Waterloo. And even if I live in res (As has been suggested to me by everyone), I'm still really close (about 30minutes drive) to Andarta. Of course, there's always my "plan" (if one can call it a plan... more of a dream) that we live together in an apartment or something, get one with two rooms and rent the other one out, like Angelis and Freya do. It's a nice dream, I must admit... whether or not it's a reality, I suppose I just have to wait and see. I honestly don't know if Andarta is worth 11 months or 23 months of waiting here, with only the occasional visit from her, alone.
I've already said how painful it is and those of you like me probably know or can figure out just how painful it is. On the other side... I really like Andarta. I have this figured out now, I do like her. Just... I keep talking myself into telling Andarta that it's just not going to work... and then my heart revolts at the idea and I question what the hell I'm doing... and then something comes along to cheer me up and renew my faith. Next day: Repeat process. Have faith - lose faith - make plans to tell her its over - question plans - regain faith - have faith.
I think... I think what I should do is I should wait until Andarta visits here. To be honest... I don't think that the internet really can show how much feelings you have for a person... I think only meeting them in person can. So I think I should wait until she visits... and then just see what happens. To be honest, at this moment, I think when she visits, I'll find a lot of feelings for her... I think they are there and just the last few weeks have been really painful for me and the pain has buried the feelings. My heart still grows warm when I think of her too... it just did when I thought of her coming to visit and I thought of holding her. And... again, as I think I mentioned way earlier in the month, this might get easier over time (And hopefully will). We'll have to see where things go.
I am definately scratching the possibility that I tell her that it's going no place and it's over period. The feeligns are there I believe, I just have to find them again. So pretty much... it's going to be either we date over the net with a few visits whenever they can be arranged. (I'd visit her but her roommate said no male visitors, so I'd have to arrange for a hotel... which is expensive for three nights. (think like 250$ and up) and really... I can't afford that as I have to save for uni next year (hopefully). $100 for the ticket down was doable. However... I intend to take at least one tour of the campus before I apply to Waterloo and maybe another one afterwards. So I can visit her then, as I'll be getting my parents to drive me down and I'm sure they'd let me see her while there. My parents are actually more comfortable with the idea of me and Andarta dating... they may disapprove, but it's my life they say. That's one thing I love above my parents... They may disapprove and they'll make it known but they won't force their opinion on me.
So... yes... I think I'll be waiting, like Andarta is, to make a final decision on this matter when she visits. I'd like to spend some time with her anyways, even if we're not dating, because she is an awesome person and I'm sure, at the least, we'll be good friends. (though I think and hope and dream of so much more).
*hugs @ Andarta*
Hopefully that visit will come sooner than later. We were talking about the weekend before thanksgiving and the weekend after her midterms. No final dates yet though... hopefully some soon. I miss her and... to be honest, I'm getting a little impatient. Long distance relationships are easier, heck relationships in general are easier if one knows that it is going somewhere. (there's something to dream about and hold on to without worrying about it not happening. of course, it can end... but that's different.) But uni is really busy and I know Andarta will make the trip as soon as she can.
Alright... I'm finished.
Later all
(probably off to bed soon).
// posted by Dep @ 11:33:00 p.m.
