Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

alright... it's time I told everyone, even Andarta (When she reads this) the truth. I'm done with bullshitting people and lying to everyone about how wonderful everything is and how happy I am. I am not happy. Everything is not wonderful. Food tastes like ashes and the world's returning to the bleak form that it once held. For the past week I've been trying to distract myself, cheer myself up and tell myself that everything's going to be alright. It hasn't worked... maybe it's because I'm paranoid. Everyone deserves an explanation for this and I'm hoping it'll make me feel a little better to have the truth out there.

I had an interesting thought just now and I've decided to take a minute to talk about it before I go into explanations. My depressions always seem to be accompanied by increased amounts of soft drinks in my diet. I'm wondering if my depression causes me to drink more soft drinks or if more soft drinks cause my depression. Maybe caffeine has this effect on me. I don't know, but it would be interesting. I think I'll attempt to cut soft drinks out of my diet again and we'll see if things get better. Back to what I'm feeling at the moment.

I really like Andarta. Andarta is an awesome person and I like knowing her and I'm willing to forgive her of a lot. She's already been forgiven of past transgressions and that is not part of the current problem. I want to make this clear to everyone, least you think I'm hinting at something which I'm not. The cause of our last breakup is not related at all to this. I honestly don't even think about it any more. I honestly really like her from what I know of her. But... I don't know if I like her enough to go through with a long-distance relationship. For love, I would and I might love Andarta... but love requires that two people spend time together. I've spent one night with her and honestly... that night might have been me being depressed and latching onto a person who I had feelings for (alcohol tends to amplify my feelings, therefore these could be feelings of any size). I don't know if it was or not, I'm just saying it's a possibility. I know I was incredibly happy for the next few days, which I take as a sign that it wasn't just the alcohol... so I consider the possibility that that night meant nothing to be an incredibly small one indeed. But... it still exists. Everything since then has shown me one thing... that we're incredibly similar people who want the same things out of a relationship. I think however, that just because we want the same things and like the same things, it doesn't mean that we'll work well together. That requires a feeling called love or really liking the other person. However... I do really like Andarta. I think that, were she here and not in Guelph, that we would be dating and I would be happy and not writing this. Long-distance relationships require something more though and that's what I'm not sure exists. Up until now I've been able to keep myself happy most of the time with the thought that Andarta was coming to visit and all the wonderful things she said and wrote about me and all the time we had together to talk. Sure maybe we wouldn't talk sometimes for two-three days, but that was understandable. But with her plans cancelled and pushed to an undetermined time, possibly later in the month... well... *sigh*

Last monday, when I found out she wasn't coming to visit, I felt.. .really awful. I tried to hide it from people but I don't think I suceeded. I was looking forward to seeing her so much and I had so many plans for what we'd do when she got here and then... everything came apart and it was really a downer. Now... now I must be honest, because I have sworn to do so here. I honestly don't know if Andarta even likes me that much anymore. She's in a new place and meeting new people and I know there is a chance that she'll meet someone that she likes more. University is filled with awesome people and I'm not all that awesome in comparison. This... this has been my main worry for the past day and it's the source of my MSN name "A single fear unleashes a torrent of nightmares" which comes from a magic card called "Echoing Decay". I also have "A single lie unleashes a tide of disbelief" but that's up there for different, unrelated reasons. (it's from a card called "Echoing Truth") *sigh* I suspect that maybe I'm just being paranoid... that Andarta will come on-line, read this and have a good laugh at my expense and tell me that I shouldn't worry that she still really likes me. I'm just... well I guess I'm just really insecure when it comes to relationships. If you look at my past, I think you can guess why... remember "Sam" anyone? There was Vicki which was really bad for me and Meagan who was even worse and an entire childhood and tweenhood full of rejection.

So let's put them together. While I'm not certain that I have the feelings for Andarta that will let a long-distance relationship last for a long time, I think that I have the feelings for her that make it a possibility and I think that when we meet... if we meet... that it'll show me whether or not I have the feelings for her to make it last for a long time. And I'm not certain if she has feelings for me anymore... but that may be paranoia. *sigh* I've got no clue anymore...

Long-distance relationships are hard. They're a great burden on people and most of them fail, for one reason or another. They're even harder for people like me, the touchy-feely people (yes I am one and to hell with anyone who will mock me for it... not that anyone who would should be on here) because ... well I'm the kindof person who likes physical contact with my girlfriend... stroking her hair or her skin, kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc, etc, etc. (anyone who knows me knows the full range of possibilites). Internet conversations... even with webcam/microphone just don't cut it somedays. There are days... well there are days and times when I wish that I was with someone here. I've actually met quite a few people in the past few weeks and some of them are really interesting people that, had I not met Andarta, I might consider dating. One's even a lot like her in a lot of ways (including the height, which is frightening and a few other things, also frightening). But... well for me, the thing is, I asked Andarta out and I really like her. Until I am certain that I like someone more than Andarta or until she tells me otherwise, I consider myself... promised to her as a boyfriend. I may joke around and I may flirt, but nothing more. I just think that somedays it would be easier for me to date someone here... and I think that I'd be happier in the short-term. But life is a long-term thing. Plus they say that if something is easy, it's probably not worth doing and I agree. Life refuses to make things easy for you. So... I really like Andarta and she is my choice. If I ever change my mind, I'll be sure to tell her at once, but for now and for the foreseeable future, she is my choice. I'm not certain if we can make it through the pain of a long-distance relationship and I'm not certain if we'll have a long happy relationship and I'm not even certain if we'll make it to a one-year anniversary. I'm not certain about anything regarding her and our future together, but nothing in life is certain is it. But I am certain about one thing... I'm willing to give it a chance and I'm willing to endure the pain. Pain's been a part of my life for a long time now... another year won't kill me. Forgive me if I'm depressed for parts of it and forgive me if I lash out and ignore people and write depressively. That's how I deal with lonliness. But the fact that I'll be lonely without her and that I'll miss her I think signifies something... I think it means that I do really like her and it's not just something I made up to make myself happy. Daren thinks so too. He said, back when we were dating, that I seemed truly happy for the first time ever, even more than when I was vicki, which I thought was "love". I also know another couple in love over a long-distance (I can't name names) and one of them has the same problem as me (maybe even both of them, but I haven't talked to the other one). I think I can make it. My only question now is whether or not Andarta is still interested in persuing a relationship with me...

I know I won't get an answer about whether or not we're dating until she visits and that's okay. I'm totally for that now, and I want to wait until she visits as well, just to make certain I really do have feelings for her and that they are strong and not alcohol-induced. But some little hint that yes she's still interested in me would be helpful. As I mentioned above, I'm insecure in relationships and I need... well not constant but occasional reminders that she still likes me. I try to give people these too... that's why I write long blogs about Andarta, to make sure she knows that I'm still interested. It's also why I write poetry and etc, etc, etc. (well one of the reasons... the other being to express myself and that's the more important one. But this is the reason that I show them my poetry.) Sometimes, just a hug is enough (even a virtual one) to help me. Today, and this past week, it hasn't been enough. I'm just so down this week that nothing seems to cheer me up. The news of Angelis's proposal cheered me up a bit, but even Freya noticed that something was wrong. I'm just glad she didn't make more inquiries into it over the phone (She'll have found out about it now... she reads this.) What I really want is just a few phrases from Andarta... a phone call, an e-mail, a blog entry whatever, saying she still really likes me and looks foward to seeing me. Hopefully she'll be on tonight... I think I'll be staying up until 1 or 2 tonight, just to wait for her. If not, maybe she'll send me an e-mail or something.

If things don't work out, if she's found someone else there, if she doesn't want the commitment and wants to explore other possibilties, whatever the reason... well I suppose that's her choice. I've always loved the quote about if you love someone, let them go and if they come back, they're yours forever, if they don't then they were never yours to begin with. I've never held a woman to me... if she wants to end it, all she had to do was tell me. I never argued (even when I should have) and I never took revenge. I suppose... on occasion I should have argued my cause. It's not that I don't care about the relationship... it's just that if you don't want to be with me, then I'm not going to make you be with me. i know I'm difficult to get along with sometimes, I can be stubborn, I can be stupid, I can be an utter jerk somedays, I can be thick-headed and I can be dull. I'm also very difficult to understand. I know that relationships don't work unless both people want to be together... therefore if you want to leave, I don't see the point in making you stay because it wouldn't work anyways. I think that people like Vicki never understood this about me. I think they took my lack of argument about us breaking up as a sign that I really didn't care whether or not we were together. Truth is I really did care, especially when I was with Vicki, and I was really broken up inside. I didn't argue with Andarta either when we broke up and I think maybe I should have knowing what I did at the time. Knowing what I know now, I don't think it would have mattered. But I think and hope that Andarta understands this about me. So... it's her choice whether or not to just say she's no longer interested. I'm hoping she doesn't... but I don't want her to take that in a manner such that she's inhibited to say that she does want to end it. Honestly it's not the end of the world for me though. If it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be and life goes on. Sure I'll be sad and depressed for awhile, but I'll get over that. And maybe I'll find someone else. I'd prefer to be with Andarta, but... well as I said, if it's not meant to be it's not meant to be. Que sera, sera. I know this though... whatever happens, I know that someone can like me a lot. I look back on Andarta's blog and I see all that she's written about me and I know that, for a time at the least (and hopefully still) someone really liked me. And the knowledge that someone didn't is a huge help... it gives me hope that if one person can, maybe others can too.

So... thank you for listening to me pouring my heart out. It actually didn't help much, so I'm just going to sit around and wait for Andarta to come on. Maybe call Vicki.

The future holds what the future will holds and the only way to know is to live.