Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

For reasons I'm not entirely certain off (its been a long day that I spent immersed in thought), I find myself in one of those snappy moods where people who piss me off get their heads snapped. I'm hoping its just exhaustion and that tomorrow will be better.

I hope.

Good night world.

- Robert

Has it really been 4 days? I believe it has. Thus, there shall be posting.

Life has been fairly quiet this past week. Did some work, thought a lot and watched some hockey. Lets start there.

I like hockey, make no mistake. But people who are into it hardcore piss me off. Tonight is a perfect example. I like watching hockey, even if I don't know the teams, and I have my favorite teams... Ottawa being my personal favorite with the rest of the Canadian teams somewhere up there (except Toronto lol). And I don't think its horrible if you don't follow hockey or something. What I think is horrible is people who are obsessed with hockey and/or their one team. Tonight I had a conversation after the Montreal-Carolina game (Montreal lost 3-2) with one of these fans from Montreal. He went on and on about the horrible calls by the refrees, how Montreal isn't doing too well because of the injuries and how cheap the other team is - essentially how much of a tragedy this is. And I'm listening to this thinking "You are a [insert curse word of choice] moron". One, its only a game. Relax, get over it. If Montreal is out of the playoffs, so what? There will be other years. Two, don't bitch about the refs - you aren't on the ice. What we see from the TV may be biased or it may not be what the ref saw and they have to call them as they see them. The breaks go both ways, just like the luck and the injuries. Three, part of the game is doing what you can and hoping something lucky happens. Sometimes that takes the form of flukey goals like you had tonight and the Carolina player who scored that goal was honest about it "I threw the puck at the net, there were better things I could have done but I got lucky and it went in". Four, if your team can't handle injuries, then it isn't a team. Five, see number one. Its a game. Get over it, move on, go watch some golf or something.

The main stress point of my week is one of my friends was let go from a volunteer position (her and I volunteer at the same place) for incomprehensible reasons that mainly involve personal dislike. This was another in a long line of similar actions by this person in charge of coordinating. It was kindof good because we left along with some other friends and went to a coffee shop where we did nothing but talk and laugh for an hour and a half. It was most amusing and good for my friend, because I think she was a bit stressed out. There will be words between myself and the coordinator of volunteers next week about this and, if it is not resolved to our satisfaction, they will have one less volunteer.

School is good - my marks are decent if not at my usual standards (probably because of my vacation, a few cases of being sick/overworked and missing a lot of AM classes). It is getting better and hopefully I will be prepared for the finals and able to keep the marks from getting this low next semester (nothing horribly dangerous lol).

I think I'm going to make a note - in the future, don't help people. It seems like you help them once and they expect you to always help them with everything. Which I can't always do since its a lot of my time (*glares at volunteer work*) and they seem to rely on me for making sure something is right before they even try it. I see proof that this is actually negative for them in the only student who is beating my marks on average - one of our chinese students who, while lacking in experience, makes up for it in hard work and doing it herself. That will make you a better programmer than coming to me with any and every question you have. And I tell them this but nobody listens. Cursed lazy people.

We're down to seven actual school days left prior to the exams. I am moderately excited, though it also means the final french oral examination I'll ever do also draws near. I really really dislike speaking french for marks.

I think the state I hate most being trapped in is that of Limbo - caught in between one reality and another, not sure in which I belong yet and not sure when that will change. Its like that with my love life now - not sure where its going, having an idea of where I'd like it to go, but not sure if thats possible/desired and yet not sure if I should be moving on or still trying. Everything is up in the air and I don't even know when it will come back down. I suppose its because I'm the type of person who likes things very clear where I stand with other people. Ambiguity and assumptions are not exactly my cup of tea in relationships. I find it a lot of fun to be vague and mysterious - teasingly, of course. But I feel there is a strong need for a sense of clarity, lest somebody get confused and get hurt. And I have kind of a desire to lay it all out - yeah, it would be hard, yeah its too soon and we need to see each other again, yeah there are all these problems standing in our way... but I like you and I think we should look at this at least. Then I get the thought that I'm being too forward, pressing too soon and even just being too... structured. Sometimes you have to just let things flow and come... but I'm an impatient person by nature and I tend to push for things to happen sooner, that if something needs to be done, I find a way of doing it. And there is just so much on this topic waiting to come out, since I keep thinking about it and whether I should wait and see what she says (whether or not she's interested in exploring this path) or assume that, since she hasn't brought it up, it means that I should move on. But I find I don't want to talk about it - my friends don't understand (well the ones here), most other people don't want to hear about it, Ashley is probably sick to death of hearing about it and even here on my journal I think I'm going on too long. Which is why I'll stop. Now.

Definately time to bed - still not sleeping particularly well, but getting much better. Its these damn people keeping me up all night :P.

Anyways, I'm off

*hugs to y'all*

Later

- Dep

We have two days of catching up to do!

Yesterday, I saw Silent Hill. It was a good movie - I can't speak for any similarities/dissimilarities from the video game but this had gore, suspense and was generally good. Hopefully most of you will enjoy it as I did. I still have to see if I can find time/cash to see V for Vendetta again.

Too much physical activity for me lately - I think I pulled something in my shoulder, its been painfully sore for most of today.

Test tomorrow, thus I'm not staying around late.

I finally found the courage to say something to Tiffany... not sure if its going to go anywhere considering all things, but you never know. We must wait and see what comes of it.

My mind is overfull with thoughts, questions and random ponderations. So to writing it is - I feel creative tonight.

Good night all.

- Rob

So those of you around yesterday were probably wondering about me dropping off the face of the planet and not returning when I said I would. My apologies to all - my cable (Internet and TV) cut out completely and we just got it fixed earlier today (something with the line in the yard). Ah well - the person I wanted to talk to was busy studying anyways and its probably good I wasn't around to annoy her lol.

Tonight holds LaserQuest for myself and family, along with doing some items (Yes I got your letter Eve, I'm thinking on it lol).

Weekend Work
- Personification for Eve
- Poetry (I can only hope)
- Website work (resume, HU and personal)
- French homework (rewrite of an assignment and doing my composition)

And, of course, the usual answering of stupid questions every half an hour for classmates who don't know what they're doing. Prior programming experience, my arse.

I've also been having some recent computer bugs. MSN doesn't like me anymore, so I'll probably be doing some repair work tomorrow at some point, along with a few other items (setting up my calendar and contacts).

Other questions. Gah! I haven't had the opportuity. Too much studying and other things going on. I promise I'm not going to stretch this out much longer. Just waiting until we both aren't focusing on other things.

*twiddles thumbs* it seems like since December my brain has been exploding with thoughts racing in new directions, yet I still feel utterly incapable of getting enough of them out.

Yesterday I spent downtown with Jaz, doing little but walking around and catching up since its been so long since we last saw each other.

Not much else has been happening, thus I suppose I'll leave you to your own devices now, lol.

Later

- Dep

Alright, lets get the good stuff out of the way.

- I've been offered a job with Statistics Canada again, doing tech support and testing. It was good work, good money and I'm going to call them back tomorrow. I'm hoping its not full time over the summer, but we'll have to see. I may be able to arrange some time off to go up north again.

- PTY was good tonight, we listened to some old folks talk about their experiences in the 60s, 70s and 80s. Good lessons in there. Also had the chance to see some people who hadn't been there in awhile.

- Afternoon class was cancelled, so I got to go play pool with the guys down at Anik. It was fun.

- My head is still full of thoughts and I think I just have to come right out and say it this time - see where it goes and go from there. Next time I see her online.

- I have a problem with my English teacher who failed me on the oral. As a result, he can forget about seeing me in class. I'll go write the final, but apart from that... alright the story?

I haven't been sleeping well lately. I've stayed up late, talking with people, which is different from my normal pattern. The truth is, an aunt I was close to died of cancer very recently (a couple of weeks ago) and the thoughts are... sometimes difficult, especially late at night. Thus, its been hard for me to get to my early morning classes. I explained this to my teacher and he still failed me (all of our english classes are in the morning). But, as long as I don't need it (some items, if you don't do it, you fail the course) then I can still pass - which is good. I just need a decent mark on my already-handed in essay and my final. *crosses fingers*. The other downside is all my other marks have slipped 10%, since I haven't been going to classes. I need to get back in the saddle, which is why I'm making the effort to go to bed early (I've gone offline already as of now before I write this just so I can write it and get to bed).

Anyways, enough of that.

Yeah, I've decided to take some decisive action on my singleness. I think its time I did something, took some initiative. Lets see what happens. Cross your fingers with me people.

I hate homophobic people. I know if you read this and know me at all (considering my orientation) you're not, so my rant is maldirected, since you most likely agree with me. But really, sometimes people take things too far. Like the guy handing out bullshit hate propaganda on the streets of Ottawa. *shakes head* somethings I will never understand.

Anyways... to bed with me before the thoughts get to me. Wish me luck.

- Rob

Congrats to Eve... she knows for what :P

Speaking of, Eve - I haven't forgotten that I want to talk with you.

I've been having problems with the wireless this morning and after I got it fixed, MSN worked briefly before I started burning DVDs (which requires me to close everything and just let the computer work) after which MSN did not work. Hopefully its just Microsoft dropping the ball again and I'll be back soon.

blah blah blah, usual stuff.

Anyways, I'm going to take a much needed break and read.

- Dep

Somehow I managed to get into 'the zone' and code for five hours straight without noticing. On the positive side, I'm a good deal closer to having an assignment complete (one screen out of four and most of the behind the scenes stuff).

But now it must be to bed with me, for tomorrow is easter and I have many visits to make to relatives.

Eve and I joked about me moving to Sudbury (well I'm going to assume it was a joke lol) but the ideas in my head and it has some merit for reasons I remember going over so long ago, plus a couple of new ones. Something to keep in mind for the future I suppose lol.

Alrighty, off to the bed!

*hugs goodnight to everyone I missed tonight*

- Dep

It's too late for me to be updating. Why? Because exhaustion brings to mind too many thoughts. And, if that wasn't bad enough, exhaustion makes me the most honest person ever. Not that I tell outright lies on any kind of a regular basis, but the amount of questions I dodge and the specifics I give you increase as my caffeine levels/energy levels decrease. Right now you could ask me almost anything and get a completely straight answer, even about T.... :P just teasing you Eve.

See? I don't do things like that when completely awake. Perhaps its that a part of me wants so much to talk about it... and the part that restrains myself from talking about it goes away with exhaustion. Perhaps a bit like being drunk, a lack of inhibitions? I have the oddest conversations when exhausted.

And as much as I'd love to go on a rant... not tonight, not here in public. To notepad it is!

Good night all.

- Dep

Alright, I agree... I've been silent too long here. Why? Because my mind is stuck in a loop and I can't make it break.

I've written two poems - both are going on my deviantART ASAP, but one is going right here, right now because it has special significance for somebody who may or may not read this.

-----
The Knife (April 14th 2006)


(Copyright 2006 Robert Turnbull)

-----

This topic isn't what on my mind, which is why I was glad I could write about it - it was a bit distracting (and I think far too much for my own good). I have no regrets in my actions and I think I've acted correctly at nearly every turn. My anger, while mildly regrettable, I don't regret anymore either because I've put up with far too much bullshit from people like her in my life. *shrugs* the next move is hers, as it always has been - let no one say I did nothing for our friendship, for I have. And while it is regrettable that four years of friendship would end like this, that is again her choice, not mine. It is very telling of exactly how close our friendship is if she's willing to toss it all out the window over nothing (yeah I'm talking about Nicky by the way for those of you who don't know). I suppose people change over time - then again, maybe not. I recall the first time I disagreed with her over a similar (if more bluntly obvious) matter and the scathing letter I got back.

I've already gone over what I think a good friendship should be, so I won't repeat myself. If she wants to explode this all out of proportion and be a drama queen, fine. Besides the fact she's proving me right, she's also making herself out to be a hypocrite considering how much she bitches about other people being melodramatic... and also considering how much SHE messes in other people's lives.

But you know what... it's done. Just like Kat last year, I need to accept this and be done with it. And I have really. She made it easy with all her attacks and snide comments. And now that she's removed me from her MSN and blocked me, I suppose I have her answer on how much it all meant to her.

I hope she learns the hard way. The extremely hard way. Maybe it will stick.

Anyways, enough on that.

[stops self from going back into loop]

I'm contemplating my PEA (Program Exit Assessment). In it we have to build a website that demonstrates everything we have learned in our program, showing various abilities we have. To prepare for that, I'm thinking of rebuilding my website... the right way. The problem is that I would have to host it here and run it off my server any time anyone wants to see it, but I suppose that is a small price to pay - not like anyone visits the current site. I've already started in a sense with my poetry site (seen only by Tiff so far)... I'll just have to expand that into a site that would serve as my expanded resume, personal website and such.

Anyways, I have little else to say tonight lol. Back into the silent loop my thoughts go.

- Dep

Up til 2:30AM again... bad bad Robert. I must really learn some decent hours one of these days, if only for the sake of my marks.

Tomorrow is going to be an extremely busy day. I must attend English at either 8 or 9 so I can receive my presentation assignment. Then I have three hours to piece together my assignment for web programming followed by five hours of class. If I'm not done, its staying late (or skipping some classes) to finish the assignment before going home where I must begin planning a few items on projects and such (no rest for the wicked).

On the positive side, I'm not going to talk about relationships today lol.

Alright, I'm out of thoughts. My brain needs recharging, thus it is to bed with me.

G'night all *hugs*.

- Dep

Yes, welcome to the 500th post EVER in my journal.

Today I slacked off and skipped the first two hours of class... which were also my only two hours of class today. My thought is that people shouldn't put class at 8AM and expect college students to be there regularly.

Today was a bit of a rollercoaster on the emotional side. I just can't think of a way to come out and say what's on my mind to her without it seeming awkward or too soon or even a bit stalkerish. And then the rollercoaster starts on whether or not she's even interested. And I think about this way too much for my own good.

And enough with the vagueness - I'm leaving out names but those people who read this should know who they are. I need to get all my thoughts on the table and I'm sorry if this is moving too quickly or a bit creepy - I'm just trying to get the thoughts out.

I suppose a part of it is the past long distance relationships in which I have failed. A part of me fears making the same mistakes and tearing another person to shreds (metaphorically speaking of course). A part of me knows the pain that is involved in such a relationship and is constantly telling me to punch myself in the face. Hard. Yet a part fights on for it. Finally there is the part that considers other options. One of the harder parts I find is knowing what path is right and making that choice. Because it is, of course, impossible to know which path is right. But you have to make a choice anyways. It makes it harder when there is no obvious path - both are new people in my life, both live a goodly distance away, both's thoughts on this matter are unknown to me. Both I find interesting in their own way. I keep forcing myself to focus on one because I know that putting the other through a long distance relationship would be... very hard for her, harder than for a lot of people, plus I believe she sees me as a friend and not with any other intent in mind, at least that is the impression I get. The possibility gets in my mind from time to time, because, at least on my part, the attraction is there and I think I have what she's looking for. But that isn't all there is to building a relationship, the attraction has to be there for them as well, the "je ne sais quoi". And so, I focus on the other one - I just felt that it should be said, at least one more time. If she feels at all the same way, I'm sure she'll bring it up - she wouldn't keep it quiet.

And then the question comes, can I ask anybody into a long distance relationship? To begin with, we don't really know each other and so, to begin with, its probably best if we at least saw each other again (this goes for both people), spent some more time together. But even after that - its asking a lot of a person to get into a long distance relationship and that just kindof... its hard enough for me to ask somebody if they like me, just because of all the things I've gone over before. But this adds another layer to that, its adds the feeling of... of imposing on somebody, of asking them to do something thats hard for me. I don't think I can ask that of people, it seems... presumptuous. I hope somebody understands what I mean, because I barely do lol. Its different if they want to make the sacrifice - I suppose I want them to do what makes them happy and not do it because it makes me happy. This works against me, because there have been times when I should have stood up for myself and said "This needs to happen", but hey - that's the past, and its a really fine line anyways.

Alright, I'm into rambling.

I suppose... I just want things very clear whether or not things might be going anywhere. I've always liked clarity in my relationships, even if I don't elsewhere lol.

Anyways, I'm rambling. I need sleep.

*Hugs to y'all* thanks for reading. g'night

- Dep

Today:

was moderately good. School was worth sleeping through and I got to play a bit of badminton in there. Tomorrow is a Friday schedule, which means class 8-10 then I get to leave! I have much work to do though, considering the three labs I still need to make up and the assignment due on Thursday... not to mention some English stuff coming up, some French stuff coming up... I think that's it.

I'm getting tired of chewing the same bone over and over again. I'm not going to let myself write anything beyond that I just I knew if there was a chance. Conversations with mutual friends lead me down the path that there might be one, but whether that is anything substantive is an open question. End rant here. Perhaps I'll pick it up later.

One more song and I'm going to go to bed.

Yeah I can't think of anything. There are thoughts buried in my head, but either I'm too tired or too unfocused to verbalize then. I've been unfocused for awhile and its not one thing... just a lot of stress, bad sleep, staying up late and too many thoughts crowding my head. A few days and it should be back to normal lol.

Alright, I'm gone.

*hugs to y'all*

g'night

- Dep

Its interesting how much talking to oneself can help to order your thoughts, if not answer your questions. In fact, anytime I answered a question it was only with another question. There were a number of topics in my head from relationships to my past to other people.

Many questions and options were eliminated in my mind, on the question of relationships. I wish, some days, that there was a much clearer approach to relationships. Its all a jumble of questions in my mind... what does she think, is she willing to take the risk considering the obstacles, am I ready for the risk considering said obstacles, second-guessing myself and my feelings. Wondering if its the right time, if I've abandoned something else that was worth persuing in order to persue this. If perhaps, the one other person I would consider persuing things with is even interested, or if this is the best way for the both of us - being friends - considering our problems. And, as always, wondering whether or not I'm crazy.

But you know... Eve was right - if its hard to do, its probably worth the effort. I will think on this further and probably delay a bit longer, knowing myself and my cowardice, but... I don't think the right course is to just let this pass by without saying anything. And then the question is how to say something.

I think its the earliest part of relationships that are the problem for me - two parts in particular. Telling somebody you like them is the hardest, because I'm a coward. The people I'm interested in usually don't even know... perfect example right here. Perfect example in some other people whom I have an interest in but I don't think its going to go anywhere for some reason or another. So the first hard part is working my courage up. And the next hard part is establishing what the other person is comfortable with and what they aren't. Often I'm terrified of fucking up that I just stop doing anything. But once that level of comfort is establish... it becomes a bit easier in my opinion. Perhaps this is a shared experience, I am unsure. It just feels like a bit of the anxiety about fucking up drops up because you know you're not going to piss them off. I don't know.

Life changing experiences... I think the greatest one in my life was meeting Daren. Before Daren, the greatest joy in my life was Math class. Daren opened a new side of me, a more... romantic and a more social side. Before, I was the loner kid who was a bit annoying but he could do Math. And not to mention the people Daren introduced me too (even by proxy). Nicky, James, Eve, Andarta, Tiffany, Lisa, Chris (Lisa's Chris) and I'm sure there are others I'm forgetting. And some of the really cool experiences came out of it like staying for a month in another city, visiting Toronto, Timmins, Sudbury, Sault Ste Marie. I don't know... it just came to me, the thought of what my life would be like now if I hadn't met him and if we hadn't plotted how to rob an armored car in History class. Sure, its brought me some pain but its brought a lot of good things too.

The person I was before... its a bit of a shock to think back to what I was like before grade 10, just because I was so different. Naive, quiet, shy, anti-social. Horribly dressed lol. My two greatest loves were reading and doing math (Yeah, I still love Math... got a problem?). Definately the reject of my class, not that I cared very much. Getting beat up... alright, this trip down memory lane ends now.

I think the only three people who know the entire history of my childhood are Chrissie, Daren and Vicki. Its not that I mind talking about it, its just that there isn't much to say. Sometimes its nice to rant... actually, Chrissie did a good thing that night, listening to me just talk about my childhood and other things. It was helpful.

I find it odd how some of the scum we have at our school have girlfriends and yet I am single. Especially since so many women complain about how their boyfriends are assholes. If you ever wanted proof that our society is hedonistic, there it is. Not that that applies to everyone - I know some of you exist outside this realm. Its really telling how many people are completely focused on the physical, date guys because of it and then "he's such an ass but man does he look good in a speedo". Fuck the speedo. My only consolation somedays is that if females want to be so physically-obsessed, they're probably not worth dating. And you think I'm being cyncial. I base this on the conversations I hear on the bus every day... every day, at least one on a rant about something along those lines. Its a cryin' shame, I tells ya.

Ottawa is beautiful at night. For those of you that know the area, the Alexandria bridge has several lookouts on the Ottawa side that, once the sun goes down, are really quite beautiful with the calm, black water. If you have the ability to go at around 1AM, its even better because the cars will have stopped and you can have the quiet. There is also a really nice area next to the art gallery up on the cliff, where you can look out over the Ottawa river.

And I had the thought that I wanted somebody to be there with me, so they could look upon the same beauty I did and we could share that moment, with no words only understanding. No names drifted into my head even... just somebody who could understand this powerful moment. I think anybody who ends up dating me is going to be taken to these spots... they just... bring out so much and I want to share that... I can only hope they appreciate it nearly as much as I do, if not more.

And that was pretty much the loop of my thoughts. There were no conclusions (especially since I got stuck on the other person I mentioned for a little bit).

As for the actual events of the evening, I went downtown, walked through the market and began to walk across the bridge into Hull (the Alexandria bridge) where the water entranced me twice before I made it across. I had a bit to eat and then went to wait for my bus... which took an hour, which I spent profitably by talking to myself about the romantic entanglements, giving myself a mental wake up that I can't be stupid and say nothing and running through various thoughts out loud. It really helps, as I said. Bus ride was good, nearly fell asleep (both ways actually). And now... to bed, for the preparing of the 8AM going to school for possible quiz purposes.

*hugs* good night all, and sorry for the long mental purge - walking at night is thought-provoking.

- Dep

I don't know what it is with me.

Today began with my brother's birthday party - many annoying young children... and I found as many excuses to get out of there as possible since not only were there too many people, my brother's friends are... not my kind of people.

So I accepted a friend's invitation to come play poker with the guys from my program and thats what I've been doing for the past seven hours... a pointless evening.

And its not that they aren't... well at least people I sit in the corner and hide from, I just need some alone time. And so I come here to MSN and to my journal.

Not that there isn't anything to talk about here that hasn't been talked about before. I suppose I could take another stab at the inner workings of my mind, because even I don't fully understand them.

(Eve: Warning, approaching evilness)

There is... feeling there. It is too soon to give it a name or say where it will go - that, only time will tell. But it is enough for me to dream a bit. But I remember the past... the pain and the hurt that came with. And I wonder if its worth trying again, or if I would be better off sitting in solitude and giving some real focus to my work. But the only thing I've ever given a damn about in my life is my relationships. In everything else, I just... can't motivate myself to care very much. Getting low marks is a bit disappointing, but in the end... finding a relationship is the focus. Perhaps thats sad from your perspective, but *shrugs* its how my priorities are I suppose. And I know what difficulties would lie in front of us... the number is large. In the end, I just have to go with it and see where it leads... but I just feel like I need to get it out, that the interest is there. And at the same time, I wonder if the interest is at all returned... if there is any point.

My mind hurts. I am not in a good mood for these kinds of thoughts, this endless repetative cycle of 'I want to say something' but 'I don't want to say something' but 'I should say something' yet 'Its too soon' but (and repeat).

So yeah... I'm going to go for a bit, but I may be back. I will return later perhaps.

- Dep

I cannot believe I stayed at school til 9:30pm working on one project since 10:30AM. Eleven hours. But it is done.

The interesting conversation (sparked by the moderately repetative conversation) was of the predicaments we get ourselves into in the romantic entanglements.

Speaking of romantic entanglements...

Vagueness aside, I realize that I was jumping the gun. It is too soon... and thats always my problem, saying something too soon. It was one awesome night, I know I shouldn't base anything on that. There are other things to keep in mind - my promises to myself and the things that are. I know I probably sounded a little obsessed these past few days... its just all that I wanted to write about (my mind is largely filled with code at the moment and I won't bore you with that). I just wish that I knew whether or not I am crazy to think something like this is even possible (one of you knows of what I speak, even if they did not ask the specific question) or desirable.

And that is the stable side of my head. The other side is full of... numerous interesting possibilities.

And there ends the journal entry for today. I hope it was vague enough for you, but remember... vague questions deserve vague answers.

;)

'night

- Dep

Alright, time to take a step out of the mentally abstract world the last few posts have been in and give you... my real life.

...

...

Yeah.

Not much has been going on here lately. My marks are dropping by about 10% from being on vacation and all, I still have little to no social life and yeah.

Small wonder we live in my mentally abstract world here on my journal.

The only thing of great interest is my new websites... Heritage Underground was released a number of weeks ago and is occupying great amounts of my time with revisions, bug fixes and etc. And I've started a new website for myself (an archive of my poetry, though I have plans to expand it) which I host here and run whenever somebody wants to see it.

That's about it... the thoughts of last night are not worth expanding upon from a more logical point of view. And you're right Eve, I am evil ;). But I don't consider it prying, our conversation last night - its just I'm generally vague unless asked a specific question for reasons I'm sure you understand.

Anyways, I've an hour more of class and then I've got a large pile of catchup work to finish today (it being Friday my slack day).

- Dep

The thoughts in my head are... difficult to express to anyone at the best of time, most of all, the person I refered to as \she\ in the past journal entry (thank you Eve for your compliments). It is a combination of many things. Promises I once made to myself that I now contemplate breaking. Worries that I'm not giving myself enough time, worries that it's too soon to even think about speaking. And the usually worries of rejection, ruination of friendships and such.

This is sometimes a good thing, I'm sure... it prevents me from leaping into anything too quickly.

Just wish I could turn off the thoughts in my head, the 'what if's... and I wish there was a really easy way to know if somebody likes you.

But this is the price we pay and when things come together well, it can be spectacular. One must cling to the hope and the hope that there is hope.

On a completely related and different topic, I have become the master of the non-answer... the answer that gives you no direct confirmations of your suspicions, yet doesn't eliminate them altogether either. I feel evil. Muwhahahaha.

Alright, I'm going to bed

G'night all!

- Dep

Tantalizing thoughts and dreams before me, that poke and twist at my very being. Is it not horrid to watch, wishing to know, to know the truth if /she/ dreams as well, or if your fantasy holds no reality. And while many would seek to answer that question, to settle it one way or another, I sit alone in high castle and watch the world turn beneath me - without word and without deed to give light to unspoken thought. Where do your thoughts lie tonight, I wonder, person with her claws in me...

And why these thoughts, when the words I once spoke were 'never again', why these feelings that I KNOW must inevitably die, for there can be no love and there can be no reality for these thoughts, while what is remains as it is. You are a fool, face in my mirror, for perhaps daring even to dream once and giving rise to such thoughts.

Those of you who read, might guess at my hidden meanings. But know that many will be wrong, many will stumble in their own light. Still one may guess, guess at the true meaning behind the words and unspoken thoughts... one, in the end, who would be right. But as the monkey sees, the monkey must do and thus I return the favor unto you. Silence I will keep, in my forgotten night, until either thoughts dissipation, thoughts revelation or thy incessent prodding reveals forbidden light.

There lies no hope for what I know, my only hope lies in the unknown. Now I go to my nightly rest where I hope to find peace at last... but know that in the dark, the dreams will come and the torment... the tantalization... will never rest.

And if my meaning has not been made clear, come and find me - the lost soul on night's plutonian shore. And I may speak of the names, you may be sure, unless in knowing, you may seek to reveal... and thou who would seek to reveal surely thee can guess at true meaning behind words, if my intention and confusion has not befuddled thy tired soul.

Now let me take my dreams and confusion sore, and plant them deep within this shore. Now I go to my final nightly rest, only to rise with the same question, the same repeating question, the same damnable repeating question...

Does /she/ dream as well?

Alright, I've said it before and now I'll say it again. The school system sucks.

I've had few teachers I consider to be truly good teachers and even fewer who I know are going to stick in my head for a long time. In fact, they number two... Brian Smeltzer (quite possibly my favorite teacher... and he taught Math) and Elizabeth Shales. Shales (even I can't get used to calling her Liz... high school and all) was my favorite teacher because she understood. She was the kind of teacher I enjoyed talking with after class about all manner of things from the symbolism and meanings in Lord of the Flies to human thought patterns. And one of the greatest lessons she had to offer us as a class was the need to encourage creativity in students, which the school board didn't do. How does one mark a piece of writing? Up until her class, I considered myself a mediocre writer at best, considering my lack of English for two years (from the enriched class and then the beginning of French immersion). But in her class, I was able to boost my marks from the mid 70s to the mid-high 80s and, more importantly, realize that there was some talent for writing within me. It was an odd talent, something that few would appreciate, but whatever it was, Shales saw it, encouraged it and gave me the marks for it. But the lesson applies to every subject. Smeltzer was the same way in Math. As long as you could show proof for your theory or why your answer is right, then he marked it right regardless of whether or not you used the method he taught you (barring him specifically saying otherwise of course). But Shales really stood out, since English is the subject where this applies the most, along with all the other art subjects. Creativity is a dying thing in schools, with the need for students to conform to standardized testing and teachers to give concrete marks. The square pegs are shaped into the round holes and you're lucky if you can survive being even a bit square.

So why bring this up now.

Programming is something most people think of a science. I disagree... its an art as much as it is a science. Its about bringing together pieces to create something and code has its own beauty. It isn't like Math with right and wrong answers (though its similar to mathematical proofs). Its something not many can understand, even programmers - they see it as logical A + B makes C. Which makes them, in my opinion, poor programmers because they will never understand the beauty and also... so many solutions require creative solutions, not just A + B = C. A + B = D is where the creativity comes into play.

I suppose that's why I like it so much. I'm a very logical person, but I'm also a very creative person. Programming lets me be creative within a logical structure and I like that.

So yeah... I'm pissed because Greg (programming prof) docked me 15% because I didn't follow his class diagrams (generally how to name things and roughly how things are supposed to flow). Mine does the exact same thing, a little bit faster even. In my mind, taking off marks because I didn't name things the same name he did is pure bull. With the slapping.

Speaking of Math, I often wonder why some people have a problem with higher level Math. I'm not making fun of you, don't worry. You probably speak French better than me.

But it came to me, the reason, while taking my shower. The way most people learn math at a young age is with simple examples based in the real world. Two apples plus three apples makes five apples. Six apples divided among two people is three apples each. All well and good. But Math becomes abstract. Decimals are the beginning, with parts of an object (though that still has real world equivalents... half a cookie plus half a cookie makes a whole cookie... through magic). Irrational numbers... pi, e, the square root of 2, 3, 5. Functions, calculus, complex (aka imaginary) numbers. Even in geometry, eventually you get into four dimensional geometry and then your brain goes out the window... heck, some people have a hard time with three dimensional geometry. Shockingly enough, geometry is the one part of Math I never liked very much.

So, the logical conclusion is that... people learn Math concretely which works for the simple examples but eventually they need to switch into the abstract world for the higher concepts... and that can be harder, since you have to either integrate the two worlds of concepts or convert everything you learned concretely into abstract (since the converse is quite difficult).

Why don't some people have that problem. For myself, I've always liked dealing with abstract concepts - Plato's Forms were a great discovery for me - and I learned Math abstractly. I have trouble counting things and with geometry, because they aren't abstract at all and dealing with them in the concrete world is something I don't usually do... I usually convert them to abstract problems and then it becomes easier.

The other problem with most people I know who struggle with Math or Programming or some similar subject is that they don't struggle. They look at the problem and they don't know where to start... and they give up right there. It seems massive, especially the word problems. They don't use what we call 'Divide and Conquer'... divide a big problem into smaller problems. And they aren't willing to just write down a solution, try something and see if it gives you an answer that makes sense. I've blanked on tests and forgotten equations... so I wrote a list of the information I had and tried various things until I found what worked. Writing a program is the same way. Its like people are so afraid of making a mistake at all... and they forget that pencils come with erasers and keyboards come with a backspace button among other ways of erasing mistakes.

Alright, change in topic... to....

I had something else in mind. Things come to me in the shower.

GARGH!

Don't be a square peg, don't be a round peg... just be a peg. Or, if you don't want to be a peg, be whatever you want, it's all good.

The emotional exhaustion is catching up to me, so I think its off to bed... soon.

The flashes of the past have begun to exhausted themselves (possibly because I've spent the last two days coding nearly constantly and coding is always good for clearing the mind).

Its odd, sometimes, how you can be thinking of something and you're unsure of how to say it... and then a friend writes the same thought perfectly in their journal. Eve makes an excellent point about human beings (though I believe in such a thing as a necessary evil... making that call though is something I hope never to be put in charge of). And Andi just wrote about half of my recent thoughts (some not voiced) in her LJ.

I think I need some stargazing and thinking time before sleeping, so I'm out.

*hugs to all* sorry for the rant on education lol.

- Dep

I went and ranted a bit in my LiveJournal... well not ranted, more like talked about whatever came into my mind over the past two and and a half hours. Just letting my LJ readers know (if you'd like to be a LJ reader, just add me - darkelfpoet).

- Dep