Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

Its interesting how much talking to oneself can help to order your thoughts, if not answer your questions. In fact, anytime I answered a question it was only with another question. There were a number of topics in my head from relationships to my past to other people.

Many questions and options were eliminated in my mind, on the question of relationships. I wish, some days, that there was a much clearer approach to relationships. Its all a jumble of questions in my mind... what does she think, is she willing to take the risk considering the obstacles, am I ready for the risk considering said obstacles, second-guessing myself and my feelings. Wondering if its the right time, if I've abandoned something else that was worth persuing in order to persue this. If perhaps, the one other person I would consider persuing things with is even interested, or if this is the best way for the both of us - being friends - considering our problems. And, as always, wondering whether or not I'm crazy.

But you know... Eve was right - if its hard to do, its probably worth the effort. I will think on this further and probably delay a bit longer, knowing myself and my cowardice, but... I don't think the right course is to just let this pass by without saying anything. And then the question is how to say something.

I think its the earliest part of relationships that are the problem for me - two parts in particular. Telling somebody you like them is the hardest, because I'm a coward. The people I'm interested in usually don't even know... perfect example right here. Perfect example in some other people whom I have an interest in but I don't think its going to go anywhere for some reason or another. So the first hard part is working my courage up. And the next hard part is establishing what the other person is comfortable with and what they aren't. Often I'm terrified of fucking up that I just stop doing anything. But once that level of comfort is establish... it becomes a bit easier in my opinion. Perhaps this is a shared experience, I am unsure. It just feels like a bit of the anxiety about fucking up drops up because you know you're not going to piss them off. I don't know.

Life changing experiences... I think the greatest one in my life was meeting Daren. Before Daren, the greatest joy in my life was Math class. Daren opened a new side of me, a more... romantic and a more social side. Before, I was the loner kid who was a bit annoying but he could do Math. And not to mention the people Daren introduced me too (even by proxy). Nicky, James, Eve, Andarta, Tiffany, Lisa, Chris (Lisa's Chris) and I'm sure there are others I'm forgetting. And some of the really cool experiences came out of it like staying for a month in another city, visiting Toronto, Timmins, Sudbury, Sault Ste Marie. I don't know... it just came to me, the thought of what my life would be like now if I hadn't met him and if we hadn't plotted how to rob an armored car in History class. Sure, its brought me some pain but its brought a lot of good things too.

The person I was before... its a bit of a shock to think back to what I was like before grade 10, just because I was so different. Naive, quiet, shy, anti-social. Horribly dressed lol. My two greatest loves were reading and doing math (Yeah, I still love Math... got a problem?). Definately the reject of my class, not that I cared very much. Getting beat up... alright, this trip down memory lane ends now.

I think the only three people who know the entire history of my childhood are Chrissie, Daren and Vicki. Its not that I mind talking about it, its just that there isn't much to say. Sometimes its nice to rant... actually, Chrissie did a good thing that night, listening to me just talk about my childhood and other things. It was helpful.

I find it odd how some of the scum we have at our school have girlfriends and yet I am single. Especially since so many women complain about how their boyfriends are assholes. If you ever wanted proof that our society is hedonistic, there it is. Not that that applies to everyone - I know some of you exist outside this realm. Its really telling how many people are completely focused on the physical, date guys because of it and then "he's such an ass but man does he look good in a speedo". Fuck the speedo. My only consolation somedays is that if females want to be so physically-obsessed, they're probably not worth dating. And you think I'm being cyncial. I base this on the conversations I hear on the bus every day... every day, at least one on a rant about something along those lines. Its a cryin' shame, I tells ya.

Ottawa is beautiful at night. For those of you that know the area, the Alexandria bridge has several lookouts on the Ottawa side that, once the sun goes down, are really quite beautiful with the calm, black water. If you have the ability to go at around 1AM, its even better because the cars will have stopped and you can have the quiet. There is also a really nice area next to the art gallery up on the cliff, where you can look out over the Ottawa river.

And I had the thought that I wanted somebody to be there with me, so they could look upon the same beauty I did and we could share that moment, with no words only understanding. No names drifted into my head even... just somebody who could understand this powerful moment. I think anybody who ends up dating me is going to be taken to these spots... they just... bring out so much and I want to share that... I can only hope they appreciate it nearly as much as I do, if not more.

And that was pretty much the loop of my thoughts. There were no conclusions (especially since I got stuck on the other person I mentioned for a little bit).

As for the actual events of the evening, I went downtown, walked through the market and began to walk across the bridge into Hull (the Alexandria bridge) where the water entranced me twice before I made it across. I had a bit to eat and then went to wait for my bus... which took an hour, which I spent profitably by talking to myself about the romantic entanglements, giving myself a mental wake up that I can't be stupid and say nothing and running through various thoughts out loud. It really helps, as I said. Bus ride was good, nearly fell asleep (both ways actually). And now... to bed, for the preparing of the 8AM going to school for possible quiz purposes.

*hugs* good night all, and sorry for the long mental purge - walking at night is thought-provoking.

- Dep