Wednesday, April 12, 2006
The 500th Post
Yes, welcome to the 500th post EVER in my journal.
Today I slacked off and skipped the first two hours of class... which were also my only two hours of class today. My thought is that people shouldn't put class at 8AM and expect college students to be there regularly.
Today was a bit of a rollercoaster on the emotional side. I just can't think of a way to come out and say what's on my mind to her without it seeming awkward or too soon or even a bit stalkerish. And then the rollercoaster starts on whether or not she's even interested. And I think about this way too much for my own good.
And enough with the vagueness - I'm leaving out names but those people who read this should know who they are. I need to get all my thoughts on the table and I'm sorry if this is moving too quickly or a bit creepy - I'm just trying to get the thoughts out.
I suppose a part of it is the past long distance relationships in which I have failed. A part of me fears making the same mistakes and tearing another person to shreds (metaphorically speaking of course). A part of me knows the pain that is involved in such a relationship and is constantly telling me to punch myself in the face. Hard. Yet a part fights on for it. Finally there is the part that considers other options. One of the harder parts I find is knowing what path is right and making that choice. Because it is, of course, impossible to know which path is right. But you have to make a choice anyways. It makes it harder when there is no obvious path - both are new people in my life, both live a goodly distance away, both's thoughts on this matter are unknown to me. Both I find interesting in their own way. I keep forcing myself to focus on one because I know that putting the other through a long distance relationship would be... very hard for her, harder than for a lot of people, plus I believe she sees me as a friend and not with any other intent in mind, at least that is the impression I get. The possibility gets in my mind from time to time, because, at least on my part, the attraction is there and I think I have what she's looking for. But that isn't all there is to building a relationship, the attraction has to be there for them as well, the "je ne sais quoi". And so, I focus on the other one - I just felt that it should be said, at least one more time. If she feels at all the same way, I'm sure she'll bring it up - she wouldn't keep it quiet.
And then the question comes, can I ask anybody into a long distance relationship? To begin with, we don't really know each other and so, to begin with, its probably best if we at least saw each other again (this goes for both people), spent some more time together. But even after that - its asking a lot of a person to get into a long distance relationship and that just kindof... its hard enough for me to ask somebody if they like me, just because of all the things I've gone over before. But this adds another layer to that, its adds the feeling of... of imposing on somebody, of asking them to do something thats hard for me. I don't think I can ask that of people, it seems... presumptuous. I hope somebody understands what I mean, because I barely do lol. Its different if they want to make the sacrifice - I suppose I want them to do what makes them happy and not do it because it makes me happy. This works against me, because there have been times when I should have stood up for myself and said "This needs to happen", but hey - that's the past, and its a really fine line anyways.
Alright, I'm into rambling.
I suppose... I just want things very clear whether or not things might be going anywhere. I've always liked clarity in my relationships, even if I don't elsewhere lol.
Anyways, I'm rambling. I need sleep.
*Hugs to y'all* thanks for reading. g'night
- Dep
Today I slacked off and skipped the first two hours of class... which were also my only two hours of class today. My thought is that people shouldn't put class at 8AM and expect college students to be there regularly.
Today was a bit of a rollercoaster on the emotional side. I just can't think of a way to come out and say what's on my mind to her without it seeming awkward or too soon or even a bit stalkerish. And then the rollercoaster starts on whether or not she's even interested. And I think about this way too much for my own good.
And enough with the vagueness - I'm leaving out names but those people who read this should know who they are. I need to get all my thoughts on the table and I'm sorry if this is moving too quickly or a bit creepy - I'm just trying to get the thoughts out.
I suppose a part of it is the past long distance relationships in which I have failed. A part of me fears making the same mistakes and tearing another person to shreds (metaphorically speaking of course). A part of me knows the pain that is involved in such a relationship and is constantly telling me to punch myself in the face. Hard. Yet a part fights on for it. Finally there is the part that considers other options. One of the harder parts I find is knowing what path is right and making that choice. Because it is, of course, impossible to know which path is right. But you have to make a choice anyways. It makes it harder when there is no obvious path - both are new people in my life, both live a goodly distance away, both's thoughts on this matter are unknown to me. Both I find interesting in their own way. I keep forcing myself to focus on one because I know that putting the other through a long distance relationship would be... very hard for her, harder than for a lot of people, plus I believe she sees me as a friend and not with any other intent in mind, at least that is the impression I get. The possibility gets in my mind from time to time, because, at least on my part, the attraction is there and I think I have what she's looking for. But that isn't all there is to building a relationship, the attraction has to be there for them as well, the "je ne sais quoi". And so, I focus on the other one - I just felt that it should be said, at least one more time. If she feels at all the same way, I'm sure she'll bring it up - she wouldn't keep it quiet.
And then the question comes, can I ask anybody into a long distance relationship? To begin with, we don't really know each other and so, to begin with, its probably best if we at least saw each other again (this goes for both people), spent some more time together. But even after that - its asking a lot of a person to get into a long distance relationship and that just kindof... its hard enough for me to ask somebody if they like me, just because of all the things I've gone over before. But this adds another layer to that, its adds the feeling of... of imposing on somebody, of asking them to do something thats hard for me. I don't think I can ask that of people, it seems... presumptuous. I hope somebody understands what I mean, because I barely do lol. Its different if they want to make the sacrifice - I suppose I want them to do what makes them happy and not do it because it makes me happy. This works against me, because there have been times when I should have stood up for myself and said "This needs to happen", but hey - that's the past, and its a really fine line anyways.
Alright, I'm into rambling.
I suppose... I just want things very clear whether or not things might be going anywhere. I've always liked clarity in my relationships, even if I don't elsewhere lol.
Anyways, I'm rambling. I need sleep.
*Hugs to y'all* thanks for reading. g'night
- Dep
// posted by Dep @ 12:01:00 a.m.
