Friday, January 27, 2006
A Return to Previous Topics
Earlier today, an old friend asked me why I complained to her about fighting with Sarah and Sarah not understanding me, yet here I am lamenting the good times. While I gave her a brief and correct answer, it deserves more thought on my part.
Every relationship is going to have bad moments. Its utterly inevitable and yet it seems to be one of the things most people my age don't get... probably why most relationships between people my age fail. When two people get close, you're going to have conflict - the differences of opinion, methodology or whatnot. A good deal of the things I spoke about in regards to fighting with Sarah were in regards to things like that. Most of those things we resolved or agreed to disagree on. There were, however, a few major things we never could come to terms on.
I am, when you get to know me, a very carefree person. I have little regard for the opinions of 'society' (as laughable as the notion is) or of the majority of individuals. The opinions of my friends are something I hold very high, but I do not completely rely on them. It is my personal view that people need the advice and objective perspective of others but they also need to be true to themselves and who they are. Even in the most serious of relationships, you must find the delicate balance between taking into consideration your partners needs versus your own needs. Beyond that, I tend to compare my accomplishments to how far I've come, not to how far others have gone. As an example, look at my skills of computer programming. I have far to go and do not know everything for sure. But I was at the time, completely self-taught and still am to a large degree today. For someone without formal training, I thought I had accomplished a lot. Another good example is my bedroom furniture (and my bedroom in general). Compared to the work of professional artists, its crap. I admit that. But I did it myself and I am proud of the work I have done. Its not hideous, its acceptable (you have to see my room to make your own judgments on just how good it is). But Sarah had, to the best of my understanding, the position that if you don't know how to do something, you should get somebody who does know how to do it. I've always been a do it myself kind of guy - maybe its because I love learning, maybe its because I can do it my way, who knows. I've dabbled in just about everything at one point or another in my life. And if its not perfect, then so what? I did it myself.
I personally think my biggest advantage over most people in the classroom is my willingness to struggle - and my teachers have told me this, so I suppose its true. Its my way of taking a problem and working it until I get it right. Example - coding. When I write a program and I get an error thats not instantly solvable, I take a look at the code and try various things to see what fixes it and keep trying until it works. Probably as a result of learning how to code all on my own - I didn't have anyone there to debug my program for me. If I didn't know exactly how to do something, I tried things I thought might work until something did. But the people in school, I find, tend to go to the teacher (or more often me) to ask how you do something or where the error is in their code. And I, as a general rule, tell them to find it themselves essentially... maybe lead them towards it a bit, but the discovery is their own. I hope they learn from their mistakes, as I did, so that they can more easily find them and fix them in the future. That is the advantage I see to doing it yourself and being willing to learn from your mistakes.
Of course there's a downside... some of what you do will suck horribly. When I painted my furniture (its paintable furniture from Ikea by the way), I did it in such a manner that my drawers on my nightstand are sealed shut and my keyboard tray on my desk is broken. Its far from perfect, but I can look at my furniture at night and think "I did this".
I suppose the major difference between Sarah and I, asides from the fatal one, is that she is a very polite and public-oriented person - she is an excellent sales person for the clothing store I would assume. I, on the other hand, have a tendancy to be uncouth and uncaring towards the public opinion - I suppose I'd make a horrible politician eh? But it is my nature I suppose.
The major difference? I think she didn't understand the more psychotic part of me and I think she was scared by it... in fact I know she was. What do I mean by psychotic. Its the part of me that can't handle conflict - that runs and hides in the face of it. Its the part of me which is dualistic and two-faced. I say what people want to hear over what I really believe when I'm not fully comfortable expressing my opinion to them... and there are very very very few people I am comfortable expressing that opinion to. Some it is a matter of not knowing them... some its a matter of being different. And some people, like Vicki, I just don't seem to be able to get that comfortable around, though in the right exhausted state I can speak openly with them. There is Daren, always Daren. Freya on most topics. And there was Sarah. Sarah was the first person I was truly honest about myself. I remember the moment well.
It was in winter, but not so cold that one could not be outside. I believe it was November. We had completed a walk around the market and had stopped to talk on the low walls of the park above the Rideau Centre (a mall in downtown Ottawa with a beautiful park on top for my audience who have not had the pleasure). It was there that I opened up and told her of the conflict within... how I bounced back and forth, believed one thing when I was with her but that came into doubt when I was away from her... how I wanted to be with her but wasn't sure I could make that decision. And how I thought there was something wrong with me... my fear of being open with other people and how I could usually only express myself through my journal.
There was much we talked about that night. These are things that, at the time, I had not shared with anyone, not even Daren or Vicki. I don't know if she ever actually understood that part of me - wanting to be with Courtney, yet hurting from all the things that had happened and here's Sarah for whom I had had all the feelings I had ever wanted to have, but still there was this urge to try and make things work with Courtney. I know how she must have felt... like the girl in the other room, all knowing and having to feel all the pain as I slowly tore her heart out piece by tiny piece.
In the end, regardless of the conflicts we had, I still feel she knew me better than anyone else I know. Daren is too chaotic to have a full understanding. Vicki is too hurt by her own emotional experiences to understand my own pain. Freya and Courtney are too far away to ever understand me... they have but brief glimpses. Sarah is the only person who cared enough to find out everything there is to know and the only person I was comfortable enough with to share it all.
Courtney... its not that I didn't have feelings for her. I know what I felt was real. The reason I think I made a mistake continuing things was that we looked at the world from two different perspectives... I take my relationships seriously and put a lot of effort into them... I have this need to see my significant other and would go through great lengths to do so. Money was never important to me and seeing her is more than worth the time it would take. But Courtney felt differently... for whatever reason, it was never that important to her that we see each other, or at least that is how I felt. She seemed content to speak to me online and devote her time to her friends who were there, of which she devoted a great deal. Which I understand - I like spending time with my friends too, something I don't get to do nearly enough nowadays - but there must be a line drawn somewhere. In addition, she avoided conflict more often than I did... I made efforts to bring up my concerns; she never did and made mine seem silly. In the end, I think it was just a bad match between two people who lived too far away and didn't have either the devotion or the lack of a need to see the other to make it through. I regret it ending... there were good times there and I think, in different circumstances, it might have gone differently... maybe. But that is past and long past at that. I have shed my tears over it and no longer drag it as a stone.
It is a similar story with Vicki, who has long been my personal 'obsession' if you will. I think, in the end, she is just not willing to try and overcome the obstacles between us - both of our fears and lack of excellent communication skills. Regardless of my own feelings and desire to try and overcome them, I need to learn to accept that... maybe I will one day.
As for Sarah... I must make efforts to rebury her in my past and move on with my life. This has been a fine expose of my feelings and past mistakes, but it merely serves to deepen the attraction and desire for the past.
If I could be cold like ice, I would... but I don't have it in me. As I told Kat in a discussion of ours long ago, my emotions are not a lightswitch like hers were - I cannot flip them on and off. There is a passion inside of me that refuses to let go; that keeps on fighting. It is a source of strength I am told, for it keeps me going. It is also the source of my kindness and romantic nature, which is probably one of the few assets I have in a relationship.
I don't know... from my perspective, old fashion romance is dead in today's society, at least in my generation. Relationships become about sex or social standing, not about love. Not to say they're completely gone, for I know several kindred spirits, but for the most part... we are a dying breed. Where are the candlelit dinners, the slow dances in the moonlight, the quiet moments alone with each other... all these things that are foremost in my thoughts of a relationship. All around me its "yeah man, I wanna tap her ass" or whatever they're saying nowadays. English has gone downhill as well. People can't even spell anymore.
I am thankful, I suppose, that I have collected the few kindred souls around me. We are not completely gone. And, as much as I no longer feel I belong among them for my previous sins, I hope to one day find somebody who will allow me to redeem myself.
I have prattled on quite long enough though. I bid thee good evening.
*hugs*
- Dep
Every relationship is going to have bad moments. Its utterly inevitable and yet it seems to be one of the things most people my age don't get... probably why most relationships between people my age fail. When two people get close, you're going to have conflict - the differences of opinion, methodology or whatnot. A good deal of the things I spoke about in regards to fighting with Sarah were in regards to things like that. Most of those things we resolved or agreed to disagree on. There were, however, a few major things we never could come to terms on.
I am, when you get to know me, a very carefree person. I have little regard for the opinions of 'society' (as laughable as the notion is) or of the majority of individuals. The opinions of my friends are something I hold very high, but I do not completely rely on them. It is my personal view that people need the advice and objective perspective of others but they also need to be true to themselves and who they are. Even in the most serious of relationships, you must find the delicate balance between taking into consideration your partners needs versus your own needs. Beyond that, I tend to compare my accomplishments to how far I've come, not to how far others have gone. As an example, look at my skills of computer programming. I have far to go and do not know everything for sure. But I was at the time, completely self-taught and still am to a large degree today. For someone without formal training, I thought I had accomplished a lot. Another good example is my bedroom furniture (and my bedroom in general). Compared to the work of professional artists, its crap. I admit that. But I did it myself and I am proud of the work I have done. Its not hideous, its acceptable (you have to see my room to make your own judgments on just how good it is). But Sarah had, to the best of my understanding, the position that if you don't know how to do something, you should get somebody who does know how to do it. I've always been a do it myself kind of guy - maybe its because I love learning, maybe its because I can do it my way, who knows. I've dabbled in just about everything at one point or another in my life. And if its not perfect, then so what? I did it myself.
I personally think my biggest advantage over most people in the classroom is my willingness to struggle - and my teachers have told me this, so I suppose its true. Its my way of taking a problem and working it until I get it right. Example - coding. When I write a program and I get an error thats not instantly solvable, I take a look at the code and try various things to see what fixes it and keep trying until it works. Probably as a result of learning how to code all on my own - I didn't have anyone there to debug my program for me. If I didn't know exactly how to do something, I tried things I thought might work until something did. But the people in school, I find, tend to go to the teacher (or more often me) to ask how you do something or where the error is in their code. And I, as a general rule, tell them to find it themselves essentially... maybe lead them towards it a bit, but the discovery is their own. I hope they learn from their mistakes, as I did, so that they can more easily find them and fix them in the future. That is the advantage I see to doing it yourself and being willing to learn from your mistakes.
Of course there's a downside... some of what you do will suck horribly. When I painted my furniture (its paintable furniture from Ikea by the way), I did it in such a manner that my drawers on my nightstand are sealed shut and my keyboard tray on my desk is broken. Its far from perfect, but I can look at my furniture at night and think "I did this".
I suppose the major difference between Sarah and I, asides from the fatal one, is that she is a very polite and public-oriented person - she is an excellent sales person for the clothing store I would assume. I, on the other hand, have a tendancy to be uncouth and uncaring towards the public opinion - I suppose I'd make a horrible politician eh? But it is my nature I suppose.
The major difference? I think she didn't understand the more psychotic part of me and I think she was scared by it... in fact I know she was. What do I mean by psychotic. Its the part of me that can't handle conflict - that runs and hides in the face of it. Its the part of me which is dualistic and two-faced. I say what people want to hear over what I really believe when I'm not fully comfortable expressing my opinion to them... and there are very very very few people I am comfortable expressing that opinion to. Some it is a matter of not knowing them... some its a matter of being different. And some people, like Vicki, I just don't seem to be able to get that comfortable around, though in the right exhausted state I can speak openly with them. There is Daren, always Daren. Freya on most topics. And there was Sarah. Sarah was the first person I was truly honest about myself. I remember the moment well.
It was in winter, but not so cold that one could not be outside. I believe it was November. We had completed a walk around the market and had stopped to talk on the low walls of the park above the Rideau Centre (a mall in downtown Ottawa with a beautiful park on top for my audience who have not had the pleasure). It was there that I opened up and told her of the conflict within... how I bounced back and forth, believed one thing when I was with her but that came into doubt when I was away from her... how I wanted to be with her but wasn't sure I could make that decision. And how I thought there was something wrong with me... my fear of being open with other people and how I could usually only express myself through my journal.
There was much we talked about that night. These are things that, at the time, I had not shared with anyone, not even Daren or Vicki. I don't know if she ever actually understood that part of me - wanting to be with Courtney, yet hurting from all the things that had happened and here's Sarah for whom I had had all the feelings I had ever wanted to have, but still there was this urge to try and make things work with Courtney. I know how she must have felt... like the girl in the other room, all knowing and having to feel all the pain as I slowly tore her heart out piece by tiny piece.
In the end, regardless of the conflicts we had, I still feel she knew me better than anyone else I know. Daren is too chaotic to have a full understanding. Vicki is too hurt by her own emotional experiences to understand my own pain. Freya and Courtney are too far away to ever understand me... they have but brief glimpses. Sarah is the only person who cared enough to find out everything there is to know and the only person I was comfortable enough with to share it all.
Courtney... its not that I didn't have feelings for her. I know what I felt was real. The reason I think I made a mistake continuing things was that we looked at the world from two different perspectives... I take my relationships seriously and put a lot of effort into them... I have this need to see my significant other and would go through great lengths to do so. Money was never important to me and seeing her is more than worth the time it would take. But Courtney felt differently... for whatever reason, it was never that important to her that we see each other, or at least that is how I felt. She seemed content to speak to me online and devote her time to her friends who were there, of which she devoted a great deal. Which I understand - I like spending time with my friends too, something I don't get to do nearly enough nowadays - but there must be a line drawn somewhere. In addition, she avoided conflict more often than I did... I made efforts to bring up my concerns; she never did and made mine seem silly. In the end, I think it was just a bad match between two people who lived too far away and didn't have either the devotion or the lack of a need to see the other to make it through. I regret it ending... there were good times there and I think, in different circumstances, it might have gone differently... maybe. But that is past and long past at that. I have shed my tears over it and no longer drag it as a stone.
It is a similar story with Vicki, who has long been my personal 'obsession' if you will. I think, in the end, she is just not willing to try and overcome the obstacles between us - both of our fears and lack of excellent communication skills. Regardless of my own feelings and desire to try and overcome them, I need to learn to accept that... maybe I will one day.
As for Sarah... I must make efforts to rebury her in my past and move on with my life. This has been a fine expose of my feelings and past mistakes, but it merely serves to deepen the attraction and desire for the past.
If I could be cold like ice, I would... but I don't have it in me. As I told Kat in a discussion of ours long ago, my emotions are not a lightswitch like hers were - I cannot flip them on and off. There is a passion inside of me that refuses to let go; that keeps on fighting. It is a source of strength I am told, for it keeps me going. It is also the source of my kindness and romantic nature, which is probably one of the few assets I have in a relationship.
I don't know... from my perspective, old fashion romance is dead in today's society, at least in my generation. Relationships become about sex or social standing, not about love. Not to say they're completely gone, for I know several kindred spirits, but for the most part... we are a dying breed. Where are the candlelit dinners, the slow dances in the moonlight, the quiet moments alone with each other... all these things that are foremost in my thoughts of a relationship. All around me its "yeah man, I wanna tap her ass" or whatever they're saying nowadays. English has gone downhill as well. People can't even spell anymore.
I am thankful, I suppose, that I have collected the few kindred souls around me. We are not completely gone. And, as much as I no longer feel I belong among them for my previous sins, I hope to one day find somebody who will allow me to redeem myself.
I have prattled on quite long enough though. I bid thee good evening.
*hugs*
- Dep
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Update
Illness strikes. Its pretty bad - I actually passed out in the middle of the day, which is something I don't do, and I'm about to go back to bed as I'm just that exhausted. Tomorrow... we will have to see how it is in the morning.
Again, I shall delay the continuation on the things of which I was speaking of before again.
Good night all.
*hugs*
- Dep
Again, I shall delay the continuation on the things of which I was speaking of before again.
Good night all.
*hugs*
- Dep
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Post #456
In contrast to last tonight, tonights post will be brief and fairly grounded in reality instead of the world inside my head where things don't have to make sense to make sense.
I am sick. I hate being sick. I feel tired and weak and theres this really annoying tickle at the back of my throat. Its been getting worse all day and I don't know if I'm going in tomorrow - I feel that out of it.
I know some of you probably skip a lot of class (or at least a moderate amount) and... I've been there and done that and I can still pass in moderate amounts, but I can't keep it to a moderate amount. So I've been forcing myself to class even when I have moderately good reasons.
Today was good. I spent the morning in class, being bored. Lunch was the Underground meeting (now every Wednesday at lunch) where we decided some things - hopefully we'll get cool t-shirts. Actually we did more than that and if I take tomorrow off (as I should) I will probably spend a lot of my time putting stuff together for that.
After lunch was my afternoon of Hardware/Software installation, which was fun - nothing I like more than messing with computers for hours... I, at the end, had three computers set up around me, with the monitors pointed towards me, and I was wiping them clean and installing Win 98SE. I had another one going in the background too. One had a dead floppy drive so I was trying to fix it, before realizing it was dead.
PTY was... well it was cool seeing the people I get to see once a week again. Nothing really interesting, it was more of a work thing... we went over our stuff about confidentiality, etc. Boring, but essential.
And it became official that I will make my reapperance into the limelight with a jazz band playing at a queer youth event for valentines day. That should put some light in my life as Valentine's day is... its not that I dislike it, its that I have no one to give stuff to and thats a downer... especially after last year's valentine's day.
In reference to all of the things in my head that I spoke of last night... I dunno. There's more but I don't want to talk right now about it... I know I need to but I just want to be silent and let my dreams dream... I love whats in them too much to let them go, even though I should. Yeah I'm an idiot. What else is new?
Alright, I'm going to go check email and do stuff
*hugs* g'night
- Dep
I am sick. I hate being sick. I feel tired and weak and theres this really annoying tickle at the back of my throat. Its been getting worse all day and I don't know if I'm going in tomorrow - I feel that out of it.
I know some of you probably skip a lot of class (or at least a moderate amount) and... I've been there and done that and I can still pass in moderate amounts, but I can't keep it to a moderate amount. So I've been forcing myself to class even when I have moderately good reasons.
Today was good. I spent the morning in class, being bored. Lunch was the Underground meeting (now every Wednesday at lunch) where we decided some things - hopefully we'll get cool t-shirts. Actually we did more than that and if I take tomorrow off (as I should) I will probably spend a lot of my time putting stuff together for that.
After lunch was my afternoon of Hardware/Software installation, which was fun - nothing I like more than messing with computers for hours... I, at the end, had three computers set up around me, with the monitors pointed towards me, and I was wiping them clean and installing Win 98SE. I had another one going in the background too. One had a dead floppy drive so I was trying to fix it, before realizing it was dead.
PTY was... well it was cool seeing the people I get to see once a week again. Nothing really interesting, it was more of a work thing... we went over our stuff about confidentiality, etc. Boring, but essential.
And it became official that I will make my reapperance into the limelight with a jazz band playing at a queer youth event for valentines day. That should put some light in my life as Valentine's day is... its not that I dislike it, its that I have no one to give stuff to and thats a downer... especially after last year's valentine's day.
In reference to all of the things in my head that I spoke of last night... I dunno. There's more but I don't want to talk right now about it... I know I need to but I just want to be silent and let my dreams dream... I love whats in them too much to let them go, even though I should. Yeah I'm an idiot. What else is new?
Alright, I'm going to go check email and do stuff
*hugs* g'night
- Dep
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Thoughts
I feel the need to warn people in advanced. The following is a huge outpouring. I don't know whats going to come out of it and theres no intended point. Its just everything and anything thats been on my mind lately/currently.
---------------------------
A friend of mine got his girlfriend pregnant... he's 17, she's 16. The condom broke. I had this flood of memories... of Jenn and Eric. Probably a lot of you don't know who they are... they were a couple I know from last year when I was in Science... she got pregnant over the summer and didn't find out til November... the baby was born in March, they were engaged and it was really happy. And then... the baby died of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). It was horrible... I remember going to the funeral, with Sarah, John (Sarah's father) and Daren. I remember how I cried after the ceremony and had both Daren and Sarah there for support, how thankful I was for that. I remember what got to me the most... it wasn't Jenn crying, though that was heartrending... it was Eric. It was how Eric thanked me in a quiet voice and you could tell he was holding it all back, that he was trying to be strong. And it broke me, because I knew what was inside... and I walked outside supported by Daren and Sarah.
I'm not a person who cries very much... I did a lot of it as a child when I was... well we'll leave my childhood out of this for the time being. I suppose I'm out of tears now, or at least so desensitized to it that it takes a lot. I know what I've gone through pales in comparison to a lot of people... but it wasn't a walk in the park. I believe the last time I truly cried was in Timmins with Nicky as we went over the whole thing with Courtney and Sarah... and she played that song.
Daren and Sarah... we were the three companions last year. We went a lot of places together, occasionally joined by Daren's girlfriend or my best friend Vicki. Daren was my best friend... he kept me going when things were down and was generally the light of my life. Sarah was the love of my life and we spent nearly every waking moment together - I don't know if you have experienced this or not and its hard to describe if you haven't. I won't try even... words can't do it justice. Together we went shopping, skipped class, played games. We got Sarah hooked on Magic and D&D. Sarah gave me one of her body pillows which I still treasure. Daren... I don't think Daren ever liked Sarah that much and I know he didn't in the final months. One of those conflicts of personality. Sarah was a very opinionated and strong person, one of the things I liked about her. More than that, she was interesting and interested in a lot of the same things I am. She loved to sit in a Tim Hortons or the more comfortable Second Cup and talk/drink... we spent hours wandering the mall and the market. We saw movies and generally agreed on them - I remember one movie, Bride and Prejudice or something of that sort, an absolutely horrible movie we agreed on in the first thirty minutes and spent the rest of the time... ahh, getting to know each other in the back of the theatre.
It wasn't only the emotions I believe... it was that she was the first person who showed interest in doing the kinds of things which I had an interest in doing. Going to sit in Second Cup and drink/talk for instance... nobody else I know likes to do that (well Jaz does from time to time... and I know you do Ashley, but in a sense you don't count because you're not here). Watching and kibitzing movies, splitting a pizza with conversation. She is the only straight person out of the few I have invited to come to PTY with me whom actually went. Sure there were arguments. I'm rather an expert of making an ass out of myself and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, which was a big issue that we never really resolved (I don't do it on purpose, it just... things come out wrong with me sometimes and I really don't mean offense... if I mean offense, you'll know it).
She was good for me too. I had better sleeping habits, lost weight, ate less junk food and more healthy stuff (though mostly it was force fed, I was rather resistant to eating health food). My mental health was at its peak when I was with her.
And... to this day I have not found a greater feeling than waking up to a warm person next to you, the winter sun shining in through the window and you can think of nothing wrong in the world.
...... until it all comes crashing down on you because of your own stupidity.
*sigh* I suppose I should let you in on my horrible secret, those of you who don't already know.
In a nutshull: I cheated. I dated Sarah and Courtney at the same time because I thought the relationship with Courtney was over but it kept dragging on and on until Sarah got fed up and left, I realized my mistake and dumped Courtney but it was too late. That is the reason I think I am an asshole, or at least can be. You're welcome to make up your own minds, but if you want to pass judgment, I would ask that you come and ask me first for the whole tale before making up your mind. I was a horrible boyfriend to Courtney in not telling her my concerns and finding a permanent solution, one way or another to this and I was a horrible boyfriend (it was never official, but it was, for all intents and purposes, a relationship) to Sarah for not ending one relationship before beginning another. I know what I should have done now but hindsight is 20/20... I should have chosen Sarah and I will regret not making the right decision for a very long time, if not the rest of my life. I am not proud of my actions and will work to redeem myself.
Daren and Sarah... yes... two of the small group of people who 'understand'. Its probably one of my more infamous theories, that there are a small group of people on this planet who truly understand things - not everything or even most things, but they have a way of looking at it that is more open, more broad than that of the majority. They are those who 'understand'. (Its infamous, by the way, because its elitist, but... in the words of my grade 11 teacher, there are just those who get it and those who don't (she included me in those who get it)). But beyond that, they also understood me to the point that I was comfortable enough sharing my innermost thoughts with them... and thats pretty rare for me to speak of verbally. Writing is more common, but even so... Sarah knows me better than anyone, or at least she has the opportunity to... I was more open with her about myself than I was with anyone... she got the truth where others got sugarcoating. I don't know if she knows this, because she thought I was lying. *sighs*
I don't know what people see in me. Twice this week people have come up to me and told me that I have something to offer women... TJ just told me it tonight that I'm "smart and kind". Another person told me earlier this week that I could "do so much better than [her]", refering to somebody. I really don't know what they see... alright smart? I'm not bragging, but I have it together and could probably do almost anything I wanted to and I'm doing what passions me. Alright, there is that. But nice?
I try. I'm not abusive on purpose, I don't beat women or rape them or what not. But I am a fucked up person. I have more emotional problems than are apparent, because I'm damn good at covering things up. I have problems with trust, with confidence, with being open about my feelings and thoughts, with making hard choices, with hurting people. I have so much baggage from my past because I can't throw some of these people away. I'm a bit of a freak sexually, which we won't get into here (you don't want the mental images I assume)... I mean I don't go for animals like Daren but I'm up there on the freak scale... and thats freaky as in tastes, not as in deformity. I have contradictory parts, like how I'm such a hopeless romantic but love, in the words of Vicki, "kinky monkey sex".... how I'm ridiculously free about somethings sometimes but am so closed up with others. And all of this kindof makes it hard for people to accept me and those who do run the risk of my stupidity... I just fuck up, handle something badly, don't talk about it and it blows out of proportion.
You people who talk about talking positively about myself... fuck off. I know there are positives... I try my best not to hurt people I like, I'm a romantic person, I'm not a prude, etc, etc. But the fact remains that I'm fucked up and that scares a lot of people once they get inside of me. And most people just look at me and... don't laugh, I had it happen. A girl said she was interested in dating me but she thought her friends would laugh at her, so she didn't. I immediately lost all interest, because people who think like that annoy me, and I know it would get to me in the future, but still... its kindof harsh. I always say its not what your friends or parents think really, its what you think. You have to live with him, not them.
But I miss my friends who understand, with whom I could talk. I have none of them at school this year... Daren and Vanessa are coming back next year, which should mke things more interesting and there's always people online, but people online... you can't take them to a coffee shop or to a park with an awesome view... it isn't the same.
I remember one time Sarah and I went downtown (and I know I'm talking about Sarah a lot, but shes been on my mind a lot and I gotta get this off) and we spent our entire night walking around. I think it was the time I lost my bag and we spent a week or two trying to find it heh (We did, which is good as I had many textbooks in there). I remember lying underneath the stars, looking up at them and the art gallery behind us and just thinking...
I love downtown Ottawa, in the market. I think its the most romantic place you can be in the city (maybe the Gatineau park beats it but not by much). Especially in summer/fall... the stars overhead, the moon reflecting on the river. Water and stars have always enchanted me, especially at night... I love the night and could spend hours outside at night with somebody like her, just wandering here and there and talking about everything.
I remember when I met her, back last October, when a mutual friend introduced us. I remember having this feeling, of comfort and of kinship... I've never had that with anyone while sober. Ever. There's always this underlying discomfort and a need to know them better... but things just clicked with Sarah.
There are so many memories I wish to share... because Courtney read all my journals, I never could post really about Sarah and the things we did together... I made some occasional posts, mostly on LiveJournal where I could hide them but... I never gave them the attention they deserved or spoke of the feelings that they envoked in me.
I must leave you however... it is midnight and I must rise at 6AM for class. I will continue this tomorrow night.
*hugs* thank you for reading this far and I'm sorry to anyone who I have offended or stressed out or caused negative feelings in... it was not my intention, I merely need to get all of this off my chest.
good night
---------------------------
A friend of mine got his girlfriend pregnant... he's 17, she's 16. The condom broke. I had this flood of memories... of Jenn and Eric. Probably a lot of you don't know who they are... they were a couple I know from last year when I was in Science... she got pregnant over the summer and didn't find out til November... the baby was born in March, they were engaged and it was really happy. And then... the baby died of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). It was horrible... I remember going to the funeral, with Sarah, John (Sarah's father) and Daren. I remember how I cried after the ceremony and had both Daren and Sarah there for support, how thankful I was for that. I remember what got to me the most... it wasn't Jenn crying, though that was heartrending... it was Eric. It was how Eric thanked me in a quiet voice and you could tell he was holding it all back, that he was trying to be strong. And it broke me, because I knew what was inside... and I walked outside supported by Daren and Sarah.
I'm not a person who cries very much... I did a lot of it as a child when I was... well we'll leave my childhood out of this for the time being. I suppose I'm out of tears now, or at least so desensitized to it that it takes a lot. I know what I've gone through pales in comparison to a lot of people... but it wasn't a walk in the park. I believe the last time I truly cried was in Timmins with Nicky as we went over the whole thing with Courtney and Sarah... and she played that song.
Daren and Sarah... we were the three companions last year. We went a lot of places together, occasionally joined by Daren's girlfriend or my best friend Vicki. Daren was my best friend... he kept me going when things were down and was generally the light of my life. Sarah was the love of my life and we spent nearly every waking moment together - I don't know if you have experienced this or not and its hard to describe if you haven't. I won't try even... words can't do it justice. Together we went shopping, skipped class, played games. We got Sarah hooked on Magic and D&D. Sarah gave me one of her body pillows which I still treasure. Daren... I don't think Daren ever liked Sarah that much and I know he didn't in the final months. One of those conflicts of personality. Sarah was a very opinionated and strong person, one of the things I liked about her. More than that, she was interesting and interested in a lot of the same things I am. She loved to sit in a Tim Hortons or the more comfortable Second Cup and talk/drink... we spent hours wandering the mall and the market. We saw movies and generally agreed on them - I remember one movie, Bride and Prejudice or something of that sort, an absolutely horrible movie we agreed on in the first thirty minutes and spent the rest of the time... ahh, getting to know each other in the back of the theatre.
It wasn't only the emotions I believe... it was that she was the first person who showed interest in doing the kinds of things which I had an interest in doing. Going to sit in Second Cup and drink/talk for instance... nobody else I know likes to do that (well Jaz does from time to time... and I know you do Ashley, but in a sense you don't count because you're not here). Watching and kibitzing movies, splitting a pizza with conversation. She is the only straight person out of the few I have invited to come to PTY with me whom actually went. Sure there were arguments. I'm rather an expert of making an ass out of myself and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, which was a big issue that we never really resolved (I don't do it on purpose, it just... things come out wrong with me sometimes and I really don't mean offense... if I mean offense, you'll know it).
She was good for me too. I had better sleeping habits, lost weight, ate less junk food and more healthy stuff (though mostly it was force fed, I was rather resistant to eating health food). My mental health was at its peak when I was with her.
And... to this day I have not found a greater feeling than waking up to a warm person next to you, the winter sun shining in through the window and you can think of nothing wrong in the world.
...... until it all comes crashing down on you because of your own stupidity.
*sigh* I suppose I should let you in on my horrible secret, those of you who don't already know.
In a nutshull: I cheated. I dated Sarah and Courtney at the same time because I thought the relationship with Courtney was over but it kept dragging on and on until Sarah got fed up and left, I realized my mistake and dumped Courtney but it was too late. That is the reason I think I am an asshole, or at least can be. You're welcome to make up your own minds, but if you want to pass judgment, I would ask that you come and ask me first for the whole tale before making up your mind. I was a horrible boyfriend to Courtney in not telling her my concerns and finding a permanent solution, one way or another to this and I was a horrible boyfriend (it was never official, but it was, for all intents and purposes, a relationship) to Sarah for not ending one relationship before beginning another. I know what I should have done now but hindsight is 20/20... I should have chosen Sarah and I will regret not making the right decision for a very long time, if not the rest of my life. I am not proud of my actions and will work to redeem myself.
Daren and Sarah... yes... two of the small group of people who 'understand'. Its probably one of my more infamous theories, that there are a small group of people on this planet who truly understand things - not everything or even most things, but they have a way of looking at it that is more open, more broad than that of the majority. They are those who 'understand'. (Its infamous, by the way, because its elitist, but... in the words of my grade 11 teacher, there are just those who get it and those who don't (she included me in those who get it)). But beyond that, they also understood me to the point that I was comfortable enough sharing my innermost thoughts with them... and thats pretty rare for me to speak of verbally. Writing is more common, but even so... Sarah knows me better than anyone, or at least she has the opportunity to... I was more open with her about myself than I was with anyone... she got the truth where others got sugarcoating. I don't know if she knows this, because she thought I was lying. *sighs*
I don't know what people see in me. Twice this week people have come up to me and told me that I have something to offer women... TJ just told me it tonight that I'm "smart and kind". Another person told me earlier this week that I could "do so much better than [her]", refering to somebody. I really don't know what they see... alright smart? I'm not bragging, but I have it together and could probably do almost anything I wanted to and I'm doing what passions me. Alright, there is that. But nice?
I try. I'm not abusive on purpose, I don't beat women or rape them or what not. But I am a fucked up person. I have more emotional problems than are apparent, because I'm damn good at covering things up. I have problems with trust, with confidence, with being open about my feelings and thoughts, with making hard choices, with hurting people. I have so much baggage from my past because I can't throw some of these people away. I'm a bit of a freak sexually, which we won't get into here (you don't want the mental images I assume)... I mean I don't go for animals like Daren but I'm up there on the freak scale... and thats freaky as in tastes, not as in deformity. I have contradictory parts, like how I'm such a hopeless romantic but love, in the words of Vicki, "kinky monkey sex".... how I'm ridiculously free about somethings sometimes but am so closed up with others. And all of this kindof makes it hard for people to accept me and those who do run the risk of my stupidity... I just fuck up, handle something badly, don't talk about it and it blows out of proportion.
You people who talk about talking positively about myself... fuck off. I know there are positives... I try my best not to hurt people I like, I'm a romantic person, I'm not a prude, etc, etc. But the fact remains that I'm fucked up and that scares a lot of people once they get inside of me. And most people just look at me and... don't laugh, I had it happen. A girl said she was interested in dating me but she thought her friends would laugh at her, so she didn't. I immediately lost all interest, because people who think like that annoy me, and I know it would get to me in the future, but still... its kindof harsh. I always say its not what your friends or parents think really, its what you think. You have to live with him, not them.
But I miss my friends who understand, with whom I could talk. I have none of them at school this year... Daren and Vanessa are coming back next year, which should mke things more interesting and there's always people online, but people online... you can't take them to a coffee shop or to a park with an awesome view... it isn't the same.
I remember one time Sarah and I went downtown (and I know I'm talking about Sarah a lot, but shes been on my mind a lot and I gotta get this off) and we spent our entire night walking around. I think it was the time I lost my bag and we spent a week or two trying to find it heh (We did, which is good as I had many textbooks in there). I remember lying underneath the stars, looking up at them and the art gallery behind us and just thinking...
I love downtown Ottawa, in the market. I think its the most romantic place you can be in the city (maybe the Gatineau park beats it but not by much). Especially in summer/fall... the stars overhead, the moon reflecting on the river. Water and stars have always enchanted me, especially at night... I love the night and could spend hours outside at night with somebody like her, just wandering here and there and talking about everything.
I remember when I met her, back last October, when a mutual friend introduced us. I remember having this feeling, of comfort and of kinship... I've never had that with anyone while sober. Ever. There's always this underlying discomfort and a need to know them better... but things just clicked with Sarah.
There are so many memories I wish to share... because Courtney read all my journals, I never could post really about Sarah and the things we did together... I made some occasional posts, mostly on LiveJournal where I could hide them but... I never gave them the attention they deserved or spoke of the feelings that they envoked in me.
I must leave you however... it is midnight and I must rise at 6AM for class. I will continue this tomorrow night.
*hugs* thank you for reading this far and I'm sorry to anyone who I have offended or stressed out or caused negative feelings in... it was not my intention, I merely need to get all of this off my chest.
good night
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Stuff
There's a new poem on my deviantART profile - the link is to your right (or at least it should be). Same username as always.
I have still not been able to get thoughts of Sarah out of my head. Its... theres no point in writing about it. I'm a lonely freak who loves to dream of what once was but can never be... and I'm a fool to think its anything more than that. There is no love there anymore... no desire to be even a friend with me.
I hate that thought. I refused to accept it for the longest time... I buried it.
This is starting to remind me of Vicki all over again. I doubt that's a good thing from your perspective. The logical part of me says I'm a fool. The emotional...
I fear this is going to continue until I find another companion. I fear my slide into what I used to be will continue... and I fear I'm going to enjoy this in some sick and twisted way. In a way, this is what has stood between me and my poetry - my happiness... in the darkness, mayhaps I can find my pen again. In a way, I miss my old self.
But a part of me... a part of me misses being in a relationship a great deal. I know a lot of people think that would be for the sex... but its not...
Its for waking up next to somebody... its for having somebody to hug and hold... its for being a part of somebodies life. Sarah and I went shopping together because we needed to, I stayed at her place alone while she was at work... it just... its having somebody there who... not belongs to, because it isn't about ownership... but it is. Its about being "the one" as Sarah put it. Its about that simple feeling when they walk into the room and every particle of you wants to leap for joy. James... you will remember how I described it... you were right and I was a fool.
I can never undo what is done. But I can tell the truth now that Sarah was my "one". And I don't know if anybody can ever take her place.
Sex, in the end, means very little. Sure its great and all. But you can't build a relationship on it. You build one on time together, on honesty and on trust. You build it on so many of the little things, things that Courtney and I just couldn't have. I don't blame her... I realize I was as much as fault as her... we just were in a situation where it couldn't work between us and so it failed.
My meandering thoughts need to be put to bed me thinks.
Goodnight all.
- Dep
I have still not been able to get thoughts of Sarah out of my head. Its... theres no point in writing about it. I'm a lonely freak who loves to dream of what once was but can never be... and I'm a fool to think its anything more than that. There is no love there anymore... no desire to be even a friend with me.
I hate that thought. I refused to accept it for the longest time... I buried it.
This is starting to remind me of Vicki all over again. I doubt that's a good thing from your perspective. The logical part of me says I'm a fool. The emotional...
I fear this is going to continue until I find another companion. I fear my slide into what I used to be will continue... and I fear I'm going to enjoy this in some sick and twisted way. In a way, this is what has stood between me and my poetry - my happiness... in the darkness, mayhaps I can find my pen again. In a way, I miss my old self.
But a part of me... a part of me misses being in a relationship a great deal. I know a lot of people think that would be for the sex... but its not...
Its for waking up next to somebody... its for having somebody to hug and hold... its for being a part of somebodies life. Sarah and I went shopping together because we needed to, I stayed at her place alone while she was at work... it just... its having somebody there who... not belongs to, because it isn't about ownership... but it is. Its about being "the one" as Sarah put it. Its about that simple feeling when they walk into the room and every particle of you wants to leap for joy. James... you will remember how I described it... you were right and I was a fool.
I can never undo what is done. But I can tell the truth now that Sarah was my "one". And I don't know if anybody can ever take her place.
Sex, in the end, means very little. Sure its great and all. But you can't build a relationship on it. You build one on time together, on honesty and on trust. You build it on so many of the little things, things that Courtney and I just couldn't have. I don't blame her... I realize I was as much as fault as her... we just were in a situation where it couldn't work between us and so it failed.
My meandering thoughts need to be put to bed me thinks.
Goodnight all.
- Dep
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Postage
Forgive me, my audience, for my recent absence. The week has been long and it is not over yet sadly. An update for my readers who are aware of the Underground project - it is proceeding well. The website will be completed by Wednesday next week (hence my high stress levels and lack of time to post). Between that and classes, I have had little spare time and I expect none tomorrow or on the weekend. Hopefully in a week or two things will calm down a bit.
In the meantime, I promised Freya a post, so I will give thee one - there's been enough on my mind to justify one.
-----------------------------------------
Life... *shrugs*. Most people would say I have nothing to complain about. I have my health (somewhat heh), my work, my friends and my school.
Butyou know... its not what I care about. Everyone has different expectations in life I suppose and mine have never been about success in business or school (I suppose last year proves that). Instead, they're in regards to finding somebody to share it with... something I fail constantly and consistantly at. If somebody manages to break past my initial shyness and the outer hard shell and likes what they see inside, eventually I screw up and push them out of my life... and they run for the hills. Deep inside, a part of me fears that connection - that if I let somebody that deep into my life, that they're going to rip out my heart and run. But I want it... more than anything else. Its a contradiction, I know.
Oddly enough, I got some support today at school from an unexpected source. A person I know who was never really friendly with me (nor was he really rude - more kindof distant) came up to me and engaged me in a serious conversation about a girl I... like but don't like (I'll explain that in a minute) and it was, at first, suprising because... well this is unusual. The majority of people don't talk to me and I have, after all these years of being pushed away and ignored by most people, have stopped caring. If you want to be my friend and I can stand talking to you, you're welcome. People have found this out this year since I joined a year where nobody knows me really well and therefore I have found friends. Odd perhaps that I have found friends among strangers rather than among those who know me, but perhaps not surprising. But it was odd. And about the girl... she reminds me of somebody I know. And some people have told me not to even think about it because she's a bit overweight (then again, you look at me and who am I to talk lol). I tell them to fuck off. Seriously - get past the looks and if you can't, then shut up you shallow asswipe. But she's... an airhead. Or at least talks like one. High pitched voice with "like" thrown in every third word and little comprehension (from what I have seen) of deeper issues. Then again, the person she reminds me of was the same when I first met her... and heck, even I have my goofy moments. I have no clue... but she came up to me and asked me to call her after we haven't spoken in two months. I'm sure this means something but I'm so clueless when it comes to women. Vicki can attest for this - I hate subtlety. I don't understand it, I don't use it very well and I dislike people who continually try to get their point accross subtlety. Alright, that's not entirely true. Occasionally, when I am... anxious about saying something, I try to be subtle about it... and usually fail miserably (right Freya?) but hey. It's me. Its just... I like to know where people stand and not have to assume that "oh they mean this because of that" or something like that. Somewhere in my head is the eternally doubting part that questions everything. This part has served me well - my ability to question everything is possibly one of the reasons I can go so far so quickly in computers and other fields (especially philosophy). I've been told my poetry is very straight-forward... which is good because its usually intended as a message to somebody but hey.
I suppose what weighs the most on me is still the Courtney/Sarah thing. I know its, what, 8-9 months in the past? Its still there and the feelings just won't die, especially for Sarah. Its easier to put Courtney in the past because I don't speak to her very much anymore and we never had the time together in person that Sarah and I had (memories of MSN conversations don't haunt me... only my dreams of dreams). But Sarah...
Some people just become a part of you. And when they're taken from your life, its like ripping a piece out. Even now... its like a knife to think of her and the good times we shared. Sarah is a part of me in a way that Courtney never was and never could be for the simple reason of the distance that lay between us. Sarah was more a part of my life than anyone ever has been. She cared about me more than anyone else had. She trusted me. And I don't know if I can forgive myself for betraying her. Life goes on... because it must... because I must turn off those memories and think of the future if I am not to spend my life here, wasting away.
... I still love her...
Alright, my life isn't as bad as other peoples. I'm not starving, I have a future, blah, blah, etc. I don't want you to think that I'm horribly melodramatic. But don't think that this is a little thing that I can just shrug off, as some of you seem to think. For me, the search for a companion has been the prime focus of my life... and my honor is important to me. This is an inexcusable betrayal of both her, myself and what I claim to stand for. I don't expect everyone to understand, since not everyone believes what I do... but at least have respect for it... and I hope some of you understand what it means to have betrayed the person you love and yourself.
In any case, it is time for sleep before the 8AM class. Goodnight *hugs*
- Dep
In the meantime, I promised Freya a post, so I will give thee one - there's been enough on my mind to justify one.
-----------------------------------------
Life... *shrugs*. Most people would say I have nothing to complain about. I have my health (somewhat heh), my work, my friends and my school.
Butyou know... its not what I care about. Everyone has different expectations in life I suppose and mine have never been about success in business or school (I suppose last year proves that). Instead, they're in regards to finding somebody to share it with... something I fail constantly and consistantly at. If somebody manages to break past my initial shyness and the outer hard shell and likes what they see inside, eventually I screw up and push them out of my life... and they run for the hills. Deep inside, a part of me fears that connection - that if I let somebody that deep into my life, that they're going to rip out my heart and run. But I want it... more than anything else. Its a contradiction, I know.
Oddly enough, I got some support today at school from an unexpected source. A person I know who was never really friendly with me (nor was he really rude - more kindof distant) came up to me and engaged me in a serious conversation about a girl I... like but don't like (I'll explain that in a minute) and it was, at first, suprising because... well this is unusual. The majority of people don't talk to me and I have, after all these years of being pushed away and ignored by most people, have stopped caring. If you want to be my friend and I can stand talking to you, you're welcome. People have found this out this year since I joined a year where nobody knows me really well and therefore I have found friends. Odd perhaps that I have found friends among strangers rather than among those who know me, but perhaps not surprising. But it was odd. And about the girl... she reminds me of somebody I know. And some people have told me not to even think about it because she's a bit overweight (then again, you look at me and who am I to talk lol). I tell them to fuck off. Seriously - get past the looks and if you can't, then shut up you shallow asswipe. But she's... an airhead. Or at least talks like one. High pitched voice with "like" thrown in every third word and little comprehension (from what I have seen) of deeper issues. Then again, the person she reminds me of was the same when I first met her... and heck, even I have my goofy moments. I have no clue... but she came up to me and asked me to call her after we haven't spoken in two months. I'm sure this means something but I'm so clueless when it comes to women. Vicki can attest for this - I hate subtlety. I don't understand it, I don't use it very well and I dislike people who continually try to get their point accross subtlety. Alright, that's not entirely true. Occasionally, when I am... anxious about saying something, I try to be subtle about it... and usually fail miserably (right Freya?) but hey. It's me. Its just... I like to know where people stand and not have to assume that "oh they mean this because of that" or something like that. Somewhere in my head is the eternally doubting part that questions everything. This part has served me well - my ability to question everything is possibly one of the reasons I can go so far so quickly in computers and other fields (especially philosophy). I've been told my poetry is very straight-forward... which is good because its usually intended as a message to somebody but hey.
I suppose what weighs the most on me is still the Courtney/Sarah thing. I know its, what, 8-9 months in the past? Its still there and the feelings just won't die, especially for Sarah. Its easier to put Courtney in the past because I don't speak to her very much anymore and we never had the time together in person that Sarah and I had (memories of MSN conversations don't haunt me... only my dreams of dreams). But Sarah...
Some people just become a part of you. And when they're taken from your life, its like ripping a piece out. Even now... its like a knife to think of her and the good times we shared. Sarah is a part of me in a way that Courtney never was and never could be for the simple reason of the distance that lay between us. Sarah was more a part of my life than anyone ever has been. She cared about me more than anyone else had. She trusted me. And I don't know if I can forgive myself for betraying her. Life goes on... because it must... because I must turn off those memories and think of the future if I am not to spend my life here, wasting away.
... I still love her...
Alright, my life isn't as bad as other peoples. I'm not starving, I have a future, blah, blah, etc. I don't want you to think that I'm horribly melodramatic. But don't think that this is a little thing that I can just shrug off, as some of you seem to think. For me, the search for a companion has been the prime focus of my life... and my honor is important to me. This is an inexcusable betrayal of both her, myself and what I claim to stand for. I don't expect everyone to understand, since not everyone believes what I do... but at least have respect for it... and I hope some of you understand what it means to have betrayed the person you love and yourself.
In any case, it is time for sleep before the 8AM class. Goodnight *hugs*
- Dep
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Abandonment
I feel as though I've abandoned my readers as I haven't posted lately. Fear not, for I shall post soon. But at the moment, my wireless card and network are on the fritz and its late and I have 8AM classes tomorow. So I shall bid thee goodnight and I will update tomorrow on my spare.
- Dep
- Dep
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Minor Incoherance
You must forgive my minor incoherance, it is late and I've lost just a bit of blood.
My father and I were moving a couch upstairs today and managed to drop it on my hand as well as slam it into a keyboard tray. Neither was very enjoyable and both hurt rather a lot with the blood and all. Both are well now, though my left hand is stiff and is affecting my typing a bit.
Since then, for whatever reasons, I have been a bit out of it which wasn't good as I'm fairly certain I made a complete ass of myself at Vicki's where I installed and set up her new hard drive (her hard drive is now better than mine). In the process I realized what a fool I was for keeping hope for this long and managed to give her hope when I told her that I thought that the guy she likes liked her. Not my most joyous moment, but probably one of hers.
In truth, I am exhausted, mildly depressed and completely out of it. I require liquid and sleep, preferably in that order (I get so dehydrated when I sleep, thus much liquid is required) and perhaps I'll be awake in the morning. My apologies to anyone with whom I was supposed to speak to this evening, I am merely so exhausted that I must sleep.
Later
*hugs*
~ Dep ~
My father and I were moving a couch upstairs today and managed to drop it on my hand as well as slam it into a keyboard tray. Neither was very enjoyable and both hurt rather a lot with the blood and all. Both are well now, though my left hand is stiff and is affecting my typing a bit.
Since then, for whatever reasons, I have been a bit out of it which wasn't good as I'm fairly certain I made a complete ass of myself at Vicki's where I installed and set up her new hard drive (her hard drive is now better than mine). In the process I realized what a fool I was for keeping hope for this long and managed to give her hope when I told her that I thought that the guy she likes liked her. Not my most joyous moment, but probably one of hers.
In truth, I am exhausted, mildly depressed and completely out of it. I require liquid and sleep, preferably in that order (I get so dehydrated when I sleep, thus much liquid is required) and perhaps I'll be awake in the morning. My apologies to anyone with whom I was supposed to speak to this evening, I am merely so exhausted that I must sleep.
Later
*hugs*
~ Dep ~
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Stargazing
I suppose one of the most enjoyable activities for me is stargazing, especially in summer when its warm enough to sit outside for hours on end and just... look up into infinity. There is beauty, there is mystery in the stars, I find.
I realize some of my recent entries have made no sense, for you do not know the past which others do. Some stories are for my head alone... but if you desire to know of something, ask. I have little in the way of secrets and those I have are for good reasons... but you must ask before I tell the story.
In the end though, I know what I must do. Keep moving along my path and make the best of what it brings... and pray for a companion whom understands.
~ Dep ~
I realize some of my recent entries have made no sense, for you do not know the past which others do. Some stories are for my head alone... but if you desire to know of something, ask. I have little in the way of secrets and those I have are for good reasons... but you must ask before I tell the story.
In the end though, I know what I must do. Keep moving along my path and make the best of what it brings... and pray for a companion whom understands.
~ Dep ~
My Immortal (Evanescence)
I'm so tired of being here...
Supressed by all my childish fears...
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your prescence still lingers here
And it wont leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have... all of me
You used to captivate me
With your resonating light
But now I'm bound by
The life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasent dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have... all of me
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along...
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your years
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have... all of me.
Supressed by all my childish fears...
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your prescence still lingers here
And it wont leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have... all of me
You used to captivate me
With your resonating light
But now I'm bound by
The life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasent dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have... all of me
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along...
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your years
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have... all of me.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Let the walls crumble...
Tonight, is not a good night. I find myself unable to write or think. Even the simplest of games have no hold on me tonight. The relentless and uncontrollable thoughts within have hold on me and all I can do is to tell you of them. Then perhaps, I shall be free for awhile longer before they return. Until then, this horrid apathy consumes all else and I am powerless.
I have deceived myself in oh so many ways. I thought myself to have friends - and I do not. At least not the friends I thought I had. There are those whom would call me friend, whom would speak of mindless day to day nonsense and perhaps occasionally spend the spare moment with me. But the friends of old are gone. There are none with whom I may share my deepest thoughts - even the Freya I once knew is gone in spirit. After all these years of internal and external discovery, of trials by fire and blood - in the end, it all meant nothing, for I am still here with my thoughts... perhaps a little wiser and a little more cautious, but there remain none whom walk the darkness with me. In the mindless moments of waking, I have no care. The mindless befriend the mindless and all is well. It is only in the moments of quiet contemplation that my thoughts turn inward to that which is missing and I realize the truth - there is no one. The great evils I have brought upon those I have and do love weigh heavily upon me, for it is not the fault of others that there is no one. I have betrayed and I have destroyed as I swore I never would. And deep inside, there is a part of me that longs for conflict, for pain and for destruction. For chaos. And I do mean a part, for it is not all of me that longs for the pain of others. There is a part of me which truly searches for love in this bleak world... but can love exist for a betrayer such as myself? Worse, it is not merely another I have betrayed... it is my own self, the principles I wish to adhere to. What great evils might I bring upon those in my future... one can only pray for none, but none can say for certain... not even myself. Can anyone truly understand the madness within - the conflict between the forces of love and the forces of chaos. Perhaps not... perhaps it is impossible for me to have the companion I desire - a being who comprehends the balance and conflict within me. Add to this a lifetime of paranoia and cynicism and you can see the true conflict - between the love... the chaos... and the desire to run and hide. And yet, the eternally approaching darkness is terrifying for despite the conflict, the pain which I have caused and the great evil I am capable of... I am in love with myself. I want to exist. I want to know and I want to feel. I am a contradiction, of this I am aware - I barely comprehend myself somedays. The contradiction exists twice - both in the inherent conflict between love and chaos as well as the external conflict between the mindless and the mindful.
There is no cure for this darkness... this madness; other than to slip back into the mindless day to day dream of life. Only there may I find the ability to function, if not sanity.
In the final shadow of the moonlight
Let the final walls of stone crumble
And the darkness break through
The steeds shall shake the hearts
In the final hour of light
Now let the beast awaken.
~ Dep ~
I have deceived myself in oh so many ways. I thought myself to have friends - and I do not. At least not the friends I thought I had. There are those whom would call me friend, whom would speak of mindless day to day nonsense and perhaps occasionally spend the spare moment with me. But the friends of old are gone. There are none with whom I may share my deepest thoughts - even the Freya I once knew is gone in spirit. After all these years of internal and external discovery, of trials by fire and blood - in the end, it all meant nothing, for I am still here with my thoughts... perhaps a little wiser and a little more cautious, but there remain none whom walk the darkness with me. In the mindless moments of waking, I have no care. The mindless befriend the mindless and all is well. It is only in the moments of quiet contemplation that my thoughts turn inward to that which is missing and I realize the truth - there is no one. The great evils I have brought upon those I have and do love weigh heavily upon me, for it is not the fault of others that there is no one. I have betrayed and I have destroyed as I swore I never would. And deep inside, there is a part of me that longs for conflict, for pain and for destruction. For chaos. And I do mean a part, for it is not all of me that longs for the pain of others. There is a part of me which truly searches for love in this bleak world... but can love exist for a betrayer such as myself? Worse, it is not merely another I have betrayed... it is my own self, the principles I wish to adhere to. What great evils might I bring upon those in my future... one can only pray for none, but none can say for certain... not even myself. Can anyone truly understand the madness within - the conflict between the forces of love and the forces of chaos. Perhaps not... perhaps it is impossible for me to have the companion I desire - a being who comprehends the balance and conflict within me. Add to this a lifetime of paranoia and cynicism and you can see the true conflict - between the love... the chaos... and the desire to run and hide. And yet, the eternally approaching darkness is terrifying for despite the conflict, the pain which I have caused and the great evil I am capable of... I am in love with myself. I want to exist. I want to know and I want to feel. I am a contradiction, of this I am aware - I barely comprehend myself somedays. The contradiction exists twice - both in the inherent conflict between love and chaos as well as the external conflict between the mindless and the mindful.
There is no cure for this darkness... this madness; other than to slip back into the mindless day to day dream of life. Only there may I find the ability to function, if not sanity.
In the final shadow of the moonlight
Let the final walls of stone crumble
And the darkness break through
The steeds shall shake the hearts
In the final hour of light
Now let the beast awaken.
~ Dep ~
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Years
It's new years day, its 2006, hooray. I haven't slept yet because I spent all night either doing stuff for the party or once everyone else went to bed, talking with Eve until 6:30AM (which was, I must admit, an excellent conversation - I get so little good conversation, this was good. I want to *squee* but am afraid it will look stupid).
Thankfully I didn't get shitfaced. Freya wanted me to and Angelis did (he got shitfaced on the equivalent of four vodka coolers of Vex) - which was moderately entertaining. All in all, I would say it was a pretty good evening. I didn't make too big of an ass out of myself.
And so here I am, 7AM, can't sleep with thoughts running through my head and am drinking a Coke for some strange reason and I know I'm going to go play Runescape or something now until Chris/Nicky wake up and then they're going to bitch me out, but the truth is this (quite simply).
If I go to bed now, I sleep for eight hours guarenteed. That puts me at 3PM (not that anyone would let me sleep that long but trust me - you wake me up in the middle of a sleep cycle, you're either my parents, I love you or you're about to become food for the fishes). Considering I have to be up tomorrow at 8AM to take the bus back to Ottawa, the choices are I go to bed now, sleep, wake up, do stuff til I have to leave for my bus (8:30AM roughly) and then sleep on the bus/when I get home (which puts me a bit off for work) or I wait for awhile before falling asleep later in the day, wake up sometime later in the night/early in the morning and then take the bus back and force myself back onto a regular schedule just in time for work on Tuesday (cursed 9-5 shifts, they're against my natural clock).
*thinks* ahhh... yeah, I'm done now. Happy New Years and I'll see everyone soon.
*hugs*
- Dep
Thankfully I didn't get shitfaced. Freya wanted me to and Angelis did (he got shitfaced on the equivalent of four vodka coolers of Vex) - which was moderately entertaining. All in all, I would say it was a pretty good evening. I didn't make too big of an ass out of myself.
And so here I am, 7AM, can't sleep with thoughts running through my head and am drinking a Coke for some strange reason and I know I'm going to go play Runescape or something now until Chris/Nicky wake up and then they're going to bitch me out, but the truth is this (quite simply).
If I go to bed now, I sleep for eight hours guarenteed. That puts me at 3PM (not that anyone would let me sleep that long but trust me - you wake me up in the middle of a sleep cycle, you're either my parents, I love you or you're about to become food for the fishes). Considering I have to be up tomorrow at 8AM to take the bus back to Ottawa, the choices are I go to bed now, sleep, wake up, do stuff til I have to leave for my bus (8:30AM roughly) and then sleep on the bus/when I get home (which puts me a bit off for work) or I wait for awhile before falling asleep later in the day, wake up sometime later in the night/early in the morning and then take the bus back and force myself back onto a regular schedule just in time for work on Tuesday (cursed 9-5 shifts, they're against my natural clock).
*thinks* ahhh... yeah, I'm done now. Happy New Years and I'll see everyone soon.
*hugs*
- Dep
