Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

Tonight, is not a good night. I find myself unable to write or think. Even the simplest of games have no hold on me tonight. The relentless and uncontrollable thoughts within have hold on me and all I can do is to tell you of them. Then perhaps, I shall be free for awhile longer before they return. Until then, this horrid apathy consumes all else and I am powerless.

I have deceived myself in oh so many ways. I thought myself to have friends - and I do not. At least not the friends I thought I had. There are those whom would call me friend, whom would speak of mindless day to day nonsense and perhaps occasionally spend the spare moment with me. But the friends of old are gone. There are none with whom I may share my deepest thoughts - even the Freya I once knew is gone in spirit. After all these years of internal and external discovery, of trials by fire and blood - in the end, it all meant nothing, for I am still here with my thoughts... perhaps a little wiser and a little more cautious, but there remain none whom walk the darkness with me. In the mindless moments of waking, I have no care. The mindless befriend the mindless and all is well. It is only in the moments of quiet contemplation that my thoughts turn inward to that which is missing and I realize the truth - there is no one. The great evils I have brought upon those I have and do love weigh heavily upon me, for it is not the fault of others that there is no one. I have betrayed and I have destroyed as I swore I never would. And deep inside, there is a part of me that longs for conflict, for pain and for destruction. For chaos. And I do mean a part, for it is not all of me that longs for the pain of others. There is a part of me which truly searches for love in this bleak world... but can love exist for a betrayer such as myself? Worse, it is not merely another I have betrayed... it is my own self, the principles I wish to adhere to. What great evils might I bring upon those in my future... one can only pray for none, but none can say for certain... not even myself. Can anyone truly understand the madness within - the conflict between the forces of love and the forces of chaos. Perhaps not... perhaps it is impossible for me to have the companion I desire - a being who comprehends the balance and conflict within me. Add to this a lifetime of paranoia and cynicism and you can see the true conflict - between the love... the chaos... and the desire to run and hide. And yet, the eternally approaching darkness is terrifying for despite the conflict, the pain which I have caused and the great evil I am capable of... I am in love with myself. I want to exist. I want to know and I want to feel. I am a contradiction, of this I am aware - I barely comprehend myself somedays. The contradiction exists twice - both in the inherent conflict between love and chaos as well as the external conflict between the mindless and the mindful.

There is no cure for this darkness... this madness; other than to slip back into the mindless day to day dream of life. Only there may I find the ability to function, if not sanity.

In the final shadow of the moonlight
Let the final walls of stone crumble
And the darkness break through
The steeds shall shake the hearts
In the final hour of light
Now let the beast awaken.

~ Dep ~