Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

Earlier today, an old friend asked me why I complained to her about fighting with Sarah and Sarah not understanding me, yet here I am lamenting the good times. While I gave her a brief and correct answer, it deserves more thought on my part.

Every relationship is going to have bad moments. Its utterly inevitable and yet it seems to be one of the things most people my age don't get... probably why most relationships between people my age fail. When two people get close, you're going to have conflict - the differences of opinion, methodology or whatnot. A good deal of the things I spoke about in regards to fighting with Sarah were in regards to things like that. Most of those things we resolved or agreed to disagree on. There were, however, a few major things we never could come to terms on.

I am, when you get to know me, a very carefree person. I have little regard for the opinions of 'society' (as laughable as the notion is) or of the majority of individuals. The opinions of my friends are something I hold very high, but I do not completely rely on them. It is my personal view that people need the advice and objective perspective of others but they also need to be true to themselves and who they are. Even in the most serious of relationships, you must find the delicate balance between taking into consideration your partners needs versus your own needs. Beyond that, I tend to compare my accomplishments to how far I've come, not to how far others have gone. As an example, look at my skills of computer programming. I have far to go and do not know everything for sure. But I was at the time, completely self-taught and still am to a large degree today. For someone without formal training, I thought I had accomplished a lot. Another good example is my bedroom furniture (and my bedroom in general). Compared to the work of professional artists, its crap. I admit that. But I did it myself and I am proud of the work I have done. Its not hideous, its acceptable (you have to see my room to make your own judgments on just how good it is). But Sarah had, to the best of my understanding, the position that if you don't know how to do something, you should get somebody who does know how to do it. I've always been a do it myself kind of guy - maybe its because I love learning, maybe its because I can do it my way, who knows. I've dabbled in just about everything at one point or another in my life. And if its not perfect, then so what? I did it myself.

I personally think my biggest advantage over most people in the classroom is my willingness to struggle - and my teachers have told me this, so I suppose its true. Its my way of taking a problem and working it until I get it right. Example - coding. When I write a program and I get an error thats not instantly solvable, I take a look at the code and try various things to see what fixes it and keep trying until it works. Probably as a result of learning how to code all on my own - I didn't have anyone there to debug my program for me. If I didn't know exactly how to do something, I tried things I thought might work until something did. But the people in school, I find, tend to go to the teacher (or more often me) to ask how you do something or where the error is in their code. And I, as a general rule, tell them to find it themselves essentially... maybe lead them towards it a bit, but the discovery is their own. I hope they learn from their mistakes, as I did, so that they can more easily find them and fix them in the future. That is the advantage I see to doing it yourself and being willing to learn from your mistakes.

Of course there's a downside... some of what you do will suck horribly. When I painted my furniture (its paintable furniture from Ikea by the way), I did it in such a manner that my drawers on my nightstand are sealed shut and my keyboard tray on my desk is broken. Its far from perfect, but I can look at my furniture at night and think "I did this".

I suppose the major difference between Sarah and I, asides from the fatal one, is that she is a very polite and public-oriented person - she is an excellent sales person for the clothing store I would assume. I, on the other hand, have a tendancy to be uncouth and uncaring towards the public opinion - I suppose I'd make a horrible politician eh? But it is my nature I suppose.

The major difference? I think she didn't understand the more psychotic part of me and I think she was scared by it... in fact I know she was. What do I mean by psychotic. Its the part of me that can't handle conflict - that runs and hides in the face of it. Its the part of me which is dualistic and two-faced. I say what people want to hear over what I really believe when I'm not fully comfortable expressing my opinion to them... and there are very very very few people I am comfortable expressing that opinion to. Some it is a matter of not knowing them... some its a matter of being different. And some people, like Vicki, I just don't seem to be able to get that comfortable around, though in the right exhausted state I can speak openly with them. There is Daren, always Daren. Freya on most topics. And there was Sarah. Sarah was the first person I was truly honest about myself. I remember the moment well.

It was in winter, but not so cold that one could not be outside. I believe it was November. We had completed a walk around the market and had stopped to talk on the low walls of the park above the Rideau Centre (a mall in downtown Ottawa with a beautiful park on top for my audience who have not had the pleasure). It was there that I opened up and told her of the conflict within... how I bounced back and forth, believed one thing when I was with her but that came into doubt when I was away from her... how I wanted to be with her but wasn't sure I could make that decision. And how I thought there was something wrong with me... my fear of being open with other people and how I could usually only express myself through my journal.

There was much we talked about that night. These are things that, at the time, I had not shared with anyone, not even Daren or Vicki. I don't know if she ever actually understood that part of me - wanting to be with Courtney, yet hurting from all the things that had happened and here's Sarah for whom I had had all the feelings I had ever wanted to have, but still there was this urge to try and make things work with Courtney. I know how she must have felt... like the girl in the other room, all knowing and having to feel all the pain as I slowly tore her heart out piece by tiny piece.

In the end, regardless of the conflicts we had, I still feel she knew me better than anyone else I know. Daren is too chaotic to have a full understanding. Vicki is too hurt by her own emotional experiences to understand my own pain. Freya and Courtney are too far away to ever understand me... they have but brief glimpses. Sarah is the only person who cared enough to find out everything there is to know and the only person I was comfortable enough with to share it all.

Courtney... its not that I didn't have feelings for her. I know what I felt was real. The reason I think I made a mistake continuing things was that we looked at the world from two different perspectives... I take my relationships seriously and put a lot of effort into them... I have this need to see my significant other and would go through great lengths to do so. Money was never important to me and seeing her is more than worth the time it would take. But Courtney felt differently... for whatever reason, it was never that important to her that we see each other, or at least that is how I felt. She seemed content to speak to me online and devote her time to her friends who were there, of which she devoted a great deal. Which I understand - I like spending time with my friends too, something I don't get to do nearly enough nowadays - but there must be a line drawn somewhere. In addition, she avoided conflict more often than I did... I made efforts to bring up my concerns; she never did and made mine seem silly. In the end, I think it was just a bad match between two people who lived too far away and didn't have either the devotion or the lack of a need to see the other to make it through. I regret it ending... there were good times there and I think, in different circumstances, it might have gone differently... maybe. But that is past and long past at that. I have shed my tears over it and no longer drag it as a stone.

It is a similar story with Vicki, who has long been my personal 'obsession' if you will. I think, in the end, she is just not willing to try and overcome the obstacles between us - both of our fears and lack of excellent communication skills. Regardless of my own feelings and desire to try and overcome them, I need to learn to accept that... maybe I will one day.

As for Sarah... I must make efforts to rebury her in my past and move on with my life. This has been a fine expose of my feelings and past mistakes, but it merely serves to deepen the attraction and desire for the past.

If I could be cold like ice, I would... but I don't have it in me. As I told Kat in a discussion of ours long ago, my emotions are not a lightswitch like hers were - I cannot flip them on and off. There is a passion inside of me that refuses to let go; that keeps on fighting. It is a source of strength I am told, for it keeps me going. It is also the source of my kindness and romantic nature, which is probably one of the few assets I have in a relationship.

I don't know... from my perspective, old fashion romance is dead in today's society, at least in my generation. Relationships become about sex or social standing, not about love. Not to say they're completely gone, for I know several kindred spirits, but for the most part... we are a dying breed. Where are the candlelit dinners, the slow dances in the moonlight, the quiet moments alone with each other... all these things that are foremost in my thoughts of a relationship. All around me its "yeah man, I wanna tap her ass" or whatever they're saying nowadays. English has gone downhill as well. People can't even spell anymore.

I am thankful, I suppose, that I have collected the few kindred souls around me. We are not completely gone. And, as much as I no longer feel I belong among them for my previous sins, I hope to one day find somebody who will allow me to redeem myself.

I have prattled on quite long enough though. I bid thee good evening.

*hugs*

- Dep