Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Thoughts
I feel the need to warn people in advanced. The following is a huge outpouring. I don't know whats going to come out of it and theres no intended point. Its just everything and anything thats been on my mind lately/currently.
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A friend of mine got his girlfriend pregnant... he's 17, she's 16. The condom broke. I had this flood of memories... of Jenn and Eric. Probably a lot of you don't know who they are... they were a couple I know from last year when I was in Science... she got pregnant over the summer and didn't find out til November... the baby was born in March, they were engaged and it was really happy. And then... the baby died of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). It was horrible... I remember going to the funeral, with Sarah, John (Sarah's father) and Daren. I remember how I cried after the ceremony and had both Daren and Sarah there for support, how thankful I was for that. I remember what got to me the most... it wasn't Jenn crying, though that was heartrending... it was Eric. It was how Eric thanked me in a quiet voice and you could tell he was holding it all back, that he was trying to be strong. And it broke me, because I knew what was inside... and I walked outside supported by Daren and Sarah.
I'm not a person who cries very much... I did a lot of it as a child when I was... well we'll leave my childhood out of this for the time being. I suppose I'm out of tears now, or at least so desensitized to it that it takes a lot. I know what I've gone through pales in comparison to a lot of people... but it wasn't a walk in the park. I believe the last time I truly cried was in Timmins with Nicky as we went over the whole thing with Courtney and Sarah... and she played that song.
Daren and Sarah... we were the three companions last year. We went a lot of places together, occasionally joined by Daren's girlfriend or my best friend Vicki. Daren was my best friend... he kept me going when things were down and was generally the light of my life. Sarah was the love of my life and we spent nearly every waking moment together - I don't know if you have experienced this or not and its hard to describe if you haven't. I won't try even... words can't do it justice. Together we went shopping, skipped class, played games. We got Sarah hooked on Magic and D&D. Sarah gave me one of her body pillows which I still treasure. Daren... I don't think Daren ever liked Sarah that much and I know he didn't in the final months. One of those conflicts of personality. Sarah was a very opinionated and strong person, one of the things I liked about her. More than that, she was interesting and interested in a lot of the same things I am. She loved to sit in a Tim Hortons or the more comfortable Second Cup and talk/drink... we spent hours wandering the mall and the market. We saw movies and generally agreed on them - I remember one movie, Bride and Prejudice or something of that sort, an absolutely horrible movie we agreed on in the first thirty minutes and spent the rest of the time... ahh, getting to know each other in the back of the theatre.
It wasn't only the emotions I believe... it was that she was the first person who showed interest in doing the kinds of things which I had an interest in doing. Going to sit in Second Cup and drink/talk for instance... nobody else I know likes to do that (well Jaz does from time to time... and I know you do Ashley, but in a sense you don't count because you're not here). Watching and kibitzing movies, splitting a pizza with conversation. She is the only straight person out of the few I have invited to come to PTY with me whom actually went. Sure there were arguments. I'm rather an expert of making an ass out of myself and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, which was a big issue that we never really resolved (I don't do it on purpose, it just... things come out wrong with me sometimes and I really don't mean offense... if I mean offense, you'll know it).
She was good for me too. I had better sleeping habits, lost weight, ate less junk food and more healthy stuff (though mostly it was force fed, I was rather resistant to eating health food). My mental health was at its peak when I was with her.
And... to this day I have not found a greater feeling than waking up to a warm person next to you, the winter sun shining in through the window and you can think of nothing wrong in the world.
...... until it all comes crashing down on you because of your own stupidity.
*sigh* I suppose I should let you in on my horrible secret, those of you who don't already know.
In a nutshull: I cheated. I dated Sarah and Courtney at the same time because I thought the relationship with Courtney was over but it kept dragging on and on until Sarah got fed up and left, I realized my mistake and dumped Courtney but it was too late. That is the reason I think I am an asshole, or at least can be. You're welcome to make up your own minds, but if you want to pass judgment, I would ask that you come and ask me first for the whole tale before making up your mind. I was a horrible boyfriend to Courtney in not telling her my concerns and finding a permanent solution, one way or another to this and I was a horrible boyfriend (it was never official, but it was, for all intents and purposes, a relationship) to Sarah for not ending one relationship before beginning another. I know what I should have done now but hindsight is 20/20... I should have chosen Sarah and I will regret not making the right decision for a very long time, if not the rest of my life. I am not proud of my actions and will work to redeem myself.
Daren and Sarah... yes... two of the small group of people who 'understand'. Its probably one of my more infamous theories, that there are a small group of people on this planet who truly understand things - not everything or even most things, but they have a way of looking at it that is more open, more broad than that of the majority. They are those who 'understand'. (Its infamous, by the way, because its elitist, but... in the words of my grade 11 teacher, there are just those who get it and those who don't (she included me in those who get it)). But beyond that, they also understood me to the point that I was comfortable enough sharing my innermost thoughts with them... and thats pretty rare for me to speak of verbally. Writing is more common, but even so... Sarah knows me better than anyone, or at least she has the opportunity to... I was more open with her about myself than I was with anyone... she got the truth where others got sugarcoating. I don't know if she knows this, because she thought I was lying. *sighs*
I don't know what people see in me. Twice this week people have come up to me and told me that I have something to offer women... TJ just told me it tonight that I'm "smart and kind". Another person told me earlier this week that I could "do so much better than [her]", refering to somebody. I really don't know what they see... alright smart? I'm not bragging, but I have it together and could probably do almost anything I wanted to and I'm doing what passions me. Alright, there is that. But nice?
I try. I'm not abusive on purpose, I don't beat women or rape them or what not. But I am a fucked up person. I have more emotional problems than are apparent, because I'm damn good at covering things up. I have problems with trust, with confidence, with being open about my feelings and thoughts, with making hard choices, with hurting people. I have so much baggage from my past because I can't throw some of these people away. I'm a bit of a freak sexually, which we won't get into here (you don't want the mental images I assume)... I mean I don't go for animals like Daren but I'm up there on the freak scale... and thats freaky as in tastes, not as in deformity. I have contradictory parts, like how I'm such a hopeless romantic but love, in the words of Vicki, "kinky monkey sex".... how I'm ridiculously free about somethings sometimes but am so closed up with others. And all of this kindof makes it hard for people to accept me and those who do run the risk of my stupidity... I just fuck up, handle something badly, don't talk about it and it blows out of proportion.
You people who talk about talking positively about myself... fuck off. I know there are positives... I try my best not to hurt people I like, I'm a romantic person, I'm not a prude, etc, etc. But the fact remains that I'm fucked up and that scares a lot of people once they get inside of me. And most people just look at me and... don't laugh, I had it happen. A girl said she was interested in dating me but she thought her friends would laugh at her, so she didn't. I immediately lost all interest, because people who think like that annoy me, and I know it would get to me in the future, but still... its kindof harsh. I always say its not what your friends or parents think really, its what you think. You have to live with him, not them.
But I miss my friends who understand, with whom I could talk. I have none of them at school this year... Daren and Vanessa are coming back next year, which should mke things more interesting and there's always people online, but people online... you can't take them to a coffee shop or to a park with an awesome view... it isn't the same.
I remember one time Sarah and I went downtown (and I know I'm talking about Sarah a lot, but shes been on my mind a lot and I gotta get this off) and we spent our entire night walking around. I think it was the time I lost my bag and we spent a week or two trying to find it heh (We did, which is good as I had many textbooks in there). I remember lying underneath the stars, looking up at them and the art gallery behind us and just thinking...
I love downtown Ottawa, in the market. I think its the most romantic place you can be in the city (maybe the Gatineau park beats it but not by much). Especially in summer/fall... the stars overhead, the moon reflecting on the river. Water and stars have always enchanted me, especially at night... I love the night and could spend hours outside at night with somebody like her, just wandering here and there and talking about everything.
I remember when I met her, back last October, when a mutual friend introduced us. I remember having this feeling, of comfort and of kinship... I've never had that with anyone while sober. Ever. There's always this underlying discomfort and a need to know them better... but things just clicked with Sarah.
There are so many memories I wish to share... because Courtney read all my journals, I never could post really about Sarah and the things we did together... I made some occasional posts, mostly on LiveJournal where I could hide them but... I never gave them the attention they deserved or spoke of the feelings that they envoked in me.
I must leave you however... it is midnight and I must rise at 6AM for class. I will continue this tomorrow night.
*hugs* thank you for reading this far and I'm sorry to anyone who I have offended or stressed out or caused negative feelings in... it was not my intention, I merely need to get all of this off my chest.
good night
---------------------------
A friend of mine got his girlfriend pregnant... he's 17, she's 16. The condom broke. I had this flood of memories... of Jenn and Eric. Probably a lot of you don't know who they are... they were a couple I know from last year when I was in Science... she got pregnant over the summer and didn't find out til November... the baby was born in March, they were engaged and it was really happy. And then... the baby died of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). It was horrible... I remember going to the funeral, with Sarah, John (Sarah's father) and Daren. I remember how I cried after the ceremony and had both Daren and Sarah there for support, how thankful I was for that. I remember what got to me the most... it wasn't Jenn crying, though that was heartrending... it was Eric. It was how Eric thanked me in a quiet voice and you could tell he was holding it all back, that he was trying to be strong. And it broke me, because I knew what was inside... and I walked outside supported by Daren and Sarah.
I'm not a person who cries very much... I did a lot of it as a child when I was... well we'll leave my childhood out of this for the time being. I suppose I'm out of tears now, or at least so desensitized to it that it takes a lot. I know what I've gone through pales in comparison to a lot of people... but it wasn't a walk in the park. I believe the last time I truly cried was in Timmins with Nicky as we went over the whole thing with Courtney and Sarah... and she played that song.
Daren and Sarah... we were the three companions last year. We went a lot of places together, occasionally joined by Daren's girlfriend or my best friend Vicki. Daren was my best friend... he kept me going when things were down and was generally the light of my life. Sarah was the love of my life and we spent nearly every waking moment together - I don't know if you have experienced this or not and its hard to describe if you haven't. I won't try even... words can't do it justice. Together we went shopping, skipped class, played games. We got Sarah hooked on Magic and D&D. Sarah gave me one of her body pillows which I still treasure. Daren... I don't think Daren ever liked Sarah that much and I know he didn't in the final months. One of those conflicts of personality. Sarah was a very opinionated and strong person, one of the things I liked about her. More than that, she was interesting and interested in a lot of the same things I am. She loved to sit in a Tim Hortons or the more comfortable Second Cup and talk/drink... we spent hours wandering the mall and the market. We saw movies and generally agreed on them - I remember one movie, Bride and Prejudice or something of that sort, an absolutely horrible movie we agreed on in the first thirty minutes and spent the rest of the time... ahh, getting to know each other in the back of the theatre.
It wasn't only the emotions I believe... it was that she was the first person who showed interest in doing the kinds of things which I had an interest in doing. Going to sit in Second Cup and drink/talk for instance... nobody else I know likes to do that (well Jaz does from time to time... and I know you do Ashley, but in a sense you don't count because you're not here). Watching and kibitzing movies, splitting a pizza with conversation. She is the only straight person out of the few I have invited to come to PTY with me whom actually went. Sure there were arguments. I'm rather an expert of making an ass out of myself and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, which was a big issue that we never really resolved (I don't do it on purpose, it just... things come out wrong with me sometimes and I really don't mean offense... if I mean offense, you'll know it).
She was good for me too. I had better sleeping habits, lost weight, ate less junk food and more healthy stuff (though mostly it was force fed, I was rather resistant to eating health food). My mental health was at its peak when I was with her.
And... to this day I have not found a greater feeling than waking up to a warm person next to you, the winter sun shining in through the window and you can think of nothing wrong in the world.
...... until it all comes crashing down on you because of your own stupidity.
*sigh* I suppose I should let you in on my horrible secret, those of you who don't already know.
In a nutshull: I cheated. I dated Sarah and Courtney at the same time because I thought the relationship with Courtney was over but it kept dragging on and on until Sarah got fed up and left, I realized my mistake and dumped Courtney but it was too late. That is the reason I think I am an asshole, or at least can be. You're welcome to make up your own minds, but if you want to pass judgment, I would ask that you come and ask me first for the whole tale before making up your mind. I was a horrible boyfriend to Courtney in not telling her my concerns and finding a permanent solution, one way or another to this and I was a horrible boyfriend (it was never official, but it was, for all intents and purposes, a relationship) to Sarah for not ending one relationship before beginning another. I know what I should have done now but hindsight is 20/20... I should have chosen Sarah and I will regret not making the right decision for a very long time, if not the rest of my life. I am not proud of my actions and will work to redeem myself.
Daren and Sarah... yes... two of the small group of people who 'understand'. Its probably one of my more infamous theories, that there are a small group of people on this planet who truly understand things - not everything or even most things, but they have a way of looking at it that is more open, more broad than that of the majority. They are those who 'understand'. (Its infamous, by the way, because its elitist, but... in the words of my grade 11 teacher, there are just those who get it and those who don't (she included me in those who get it)). But beyond that, they also understood me to the point that I was comfortable enough sharing my innermost thoughts with them... and thats pretty rare for me to speak of verbally. Writing is more common, but even so... Sarah knows me better than anyone, or at least she has the opportunity to... I was more open with her about myself than I was with anyone... she got the truth where others got sugarcoating. I don't know if she knows this, because she thought I was lying. *sighs*
I don't know what people see in me. Twice this week people have come up to me and told me that I have something to offer women... TJ just told me it tonight that I'm "smart and kind". Another person told me earlier this week that I could "do so much better than [her]", refering to somebody. I really don't know what they see... alright smart? I'm not bragging, but I have it together and could probably do almost anything I wanted to and I'm doing what passions me. Alright, there is that. But nice?
I try. I'm not abusive on purpose, I don't beat women or rape them or what not. But I am a fucked up person. I have more emotional problems than are apparent, because I'm damn good at covering things up. I have problems with trust, with confidence, with being open about my feelings and thoughts, with making hard choices, with hurting people. I have so much baggage from my past because I can't throw some of these people away. I'm a bit of a freak sexually, which we won't get into here (you don't want the mental images I assume)... I mean I don't go for animals like Daren but I'm up there on the freak scale... and thats freaky as in tastes, not as in deformity. I have contradictory parts, like how I'm such a hopeless romantic but love, in the words of Vicki, "kinky monkey sex".... how I'm ridiculously free about somethings sometimes but am so closed up with others. And all of this kindof makes it hard for people to accept me and those who do run the risk of my stupidity... I just fuck up, handle something badly, don't talk about it and it blows out of proportion.
You people who talk about talking positively about myself... fuck off. I know there are positives... I try my best not to hurt people I like, I'm a romantic person, I'm not a prude, etc, etc. But the fact remains that I'm fucked up and that scares a lot of people once they get inside of me. And most people just look at me and... don't laugh, I had it happen. A girl said she was interested in dating me but she thought her friends would laugh at her, so she didn't. I immediately lost all interest, because people who think like that annoy me, and I know it would get to me in the future, but still... its kindof harsh. I always say its not what your friends or parents think really, its what you think. You have to live with him, not them.
But I miss my friends who understand, with whom I could talk. I have none of them at school this year... Daren and Vanessa are coming back next year, which should mke things more interesting and there's always people online, but people online... you can't take them to a coffee shop or to a park with an awesome view... it isn't the same.
I remember one time Sarah and I went downtown (and I know I'm talking about Sarah a lot, but shes been on my mind a lot and I gotta get this off) and we spent our entire night walking around. I think it was the time I lost my bag and we spent a week or two trying to find it heh (We did, which is good as I had many textbooks in there). I remember lying underneath the stars, looking up at them and the art gallery behind us and just thinking...
I love downtown Ottawa, in the market. I think its the most romantic place you can be in the city (maybe the Gatineau park beats it but not by much). Especially in summer/fall... the stars overhead, the moon reflecting on the river. Water and stars have always enchanted me, especially at night... I love the night and could spend hours outside at night with somebody like her, just wandering here and there and talking about everything.
I remember when I met her, back last October, when a mutual friend introduced us. I remember having this feeling, of comfort and of kinship... I've never had that with anyone while sober. Ever. There's always this underlying discomfort and a need to know them better... but things just clicked with Sarah.
There are so many memories I wish to share... because Courtney read all my journals, I never could post really about Sarah and the things we did together... I made some occasional posts, mostly on LiveJournal where I could hide them but... I never gave them the attention they deserved or spoke of the feelings that they envoked in me.
I must leave you however... it is midnight and I must rise at 6AM for class. I will continue this tomorrow night.
*hugs* thank you for reading this far and I'm sorry to anyone who I have offended or stressed out or caused negative feelings in... it was not my intention, I merely need to get all of this off my chest.
good night
// posted by Dep @ 10:26:00 p.m.
