Thursday, January 19, 2006
Postage
Forgive me, my audience, for my recent absence. The week has been long and it is not over yet sadly. An update for my readers who are aware of the Underground project - it is proceeding well. The website will be completed by Wednesday next week (hence my high stress levels and lack of time to post). Between that and classes, I have had little spare time and I expect none tomorrow or on the weekend. Hopefully in a week or two things will calm down a bit.
In the meantime, I promised Freya a post, so I will give thee one - there's been enough on my mind to justify one.
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Life... *shrugs*. Most people would say I have nothing to complain about. I have my health (somewhat heh), my work, my friends and my school.
Butyou know... its not what I care about. Everyone has different expectations in life I suppose and mine have never been about success in business or school (I suppose last year proves that). Instead, they're in regards to finding somebody to share it with... something I fail constantly and consistantly at. If somebody manages to break past my initial shyness and the outer hard shell and likes what they see inside, eventually I screw up and push them out of my life... and they run for the hills. Deep inside, a part of me fears that connection - that if I let somebody that deep into my life, that they're going to rip out my heart and run. But I want it... more than anything else. Its a contradiction, I know.
Oddly enough, I got some support today at school from an unexpected source. A person I know who was never really friendly with me (nor was he really rude - more kindof distant) came up to me and engaged me in a serious conversation about a girl I... like but don't like (I'll explain that in a minute) and it was, at first, suprising because... well this is unusual. The majority of people don't talk to me and I have, after all these years of being pushed away and ignored by most people, have stopped caring. If you want to be my friend and I can stand talking to you, you're welcome. People have found this out this year since I joined a year where nobody knows me really well and therefore I have found friends. Odd perhaps that I have found friends among strangers rather than among those who know me, but perhaps not surprising. But it was odd. And about the girl... she reminds me of somebody I know. And some people have told me not to even think about it because she's a bit overweight (then again, you look at me and who am I to talk lol). I tell them to fuck off. Seriously - get past the looks and if you can't, then shut up you shallow asswipe. But she's... an airhead. Or at least talks like one. High pitched voice with "like" thrown in every third word and little comprehension (from what I have seen) of deeper issues. Then again, the person she reminds me of was the same when I first met her... and heck, even I have my goofy moments. I have no clue... but she came up to me and asked me to call her after we haven't spoken in two months. I'm sure this means something but I'm so clueless when it comes to women. Vicki can attest for this - I hate subtlety. I don't understand it, I don't use it very well and I dislike people who continually try to get their point accross subtlety. Alright, that's not entirely true. Occasionally, when I am... anxious about saying something, I try to be subtle about it... and usually fail miserably (right Freya?) but hey. It's me. Its just... I like to know where people stand and not have to assume that "oh they mean this because of that" or something like that. Somewhere in my head is the eternally doubting part that questions everything. This part has served me well - my ability to question everything is possibly one of the reasons I can go so far so quickly in computers and other fields (especially philosophy). I've been told my poetry is very straight-forward... which is good because its usually intended as a message to somebody but hey.
I suppose what weighs the most on me is still the Courtney/Sarah thing. I know its, what, 8-9 months in the past? Its still there and the feelings just won't die, especially for Sarah. Its easier to put Courtney in the past because I don't speak to her very much anymore and we never had the time together in person that Sarah and I had (memories of MSN conversations don't haunt me... only my dreams of dreams). But Sarah...
Some people just become a part of you. And when they're taken from your life, its like ripping a piece out. Even now... its like a knife to think of her and the good times we shared. Sarah is a part of me in a way that Courtney never was and never could be for the simple reason of the distance that lay between us. Sarah was more a part of my life than anyone ever has been. She cared about me more than anyone else had. She trusted me. And I don't know if I can forgive myself for betraying her. Life goes on... because it must... because I must turn off those memories and think of the future if I am not to spend my life here, wasting away.
... I still love her...
Alright, my life isn't as bad as other peoples. I'm not starving, I have a future, blah, blah, etc. I don't want you to think that I'm horribly melodramatic. But don't think that this is a little thing that I can just shrug off, as some of you seem to think. For me, the search for a companion has been the prime focus of my life... and my honor is important to me. This is an inexcusable betrayal of both her, myself and what I claim to stand for. I don't expect everyone to understand, since not everyone believes what I do... but at least have respect for it... and I hope some of you understand what it means to have betrayed the person you love and yourself.
In any case, it is time for sleep before the 8AM class. Goodnight *hugs*
- Dep
In the meantime, I promised Freya a post, so I will give thee one - there's been enough on my mind to justify one.
-----------------------------------------
Life... *shrugs*. Most people would say I have nothing to complain about. I have my health (somewhat heh), my work, my friends and my school.
Butyou know... its not what I care about. Everyone has different expectations in life I suppose and mine have never been about success in business or school (I suppose last year proves that). Instead, they're in regards to finding somebody to share it with... something I fail constantly and consistantly at. If somebody manages to break past my initial shyness and the outer hard shell and likes what they see inside, eventually I screw up and push them out of my life... and they run for the hills. Deep inside, a part of me fears that connection - that if I let somebody that deep into my life, that they're going to rip out my heart and run. But I want it... more than anything else. Its a contradiction, I know.
Oddly enough, I got some support today at school from an unexpected source. A person I know who was never really friendly with me (nor was he really rude - more kindof distant) came up to me and engaged me in a serious conversation about a girl I... like but don't like (I'll explain that in a minute) and it was, at first, suprising because... well this is unusual. The majority of people don't talk to me and I have, after all these years of being pushed away and ignored by most people, have stopped caring. If you want to be my friend and I can stand talking to you, you're welcome. People have found this out this year since I joined a year where nobody knows me really well and therefore I have found friends. Odd perhaps that I have found friends among strangers rather than among those who know me, but perhaps not surprising. But it was odd. And about the girl... she reminds me of somebody I know. And some people have told me not to even think about it because she's a bit overweight (then again, you look at me and who am I to talk lol). I tell them to fuck off. Seriously - get past the looks and if you can't, then shut up you shallow asswipe. But she's... an airhead. Or at least talks like one. High pitched voice with "like" thrown in every third word and little comprehension (from what I have seen) of deeper issues. Then again, the person she reminds me of was the same when I first met her... and heck, even I have my goofy moments. I have no clue... but she came up to me and asked me to call her after we haven't spoken in two months. I'm sure this means something but I'm so clueless when it comes to women. Vicki can attest for this - I hate subtlety. I don't understand it, I don't use it very well and I dislike people who continually try to get their point accross subtlety. Alright, that's not entirely true. Occasionally, when I am... anxious about saying something, I try to be subtle about it... and usually fail miserably (right Freya?) but hey. It's me. Its just... I like to know where people stand and not have to assume that "oh they mean this because of that" or something like that. Somewhere in my head is the eternally doubting part that questions everything. This part has served me well - my ability to question everything is possibly one of the reasons I can go so far so quickly in computers and other fields (especially philosophy). I've been told my poetry is very straight-forward... which is good because its usually intended as a message to somebody but hey.
I suppose what weighs the most on me is still the Courtney/Sarah thing. I know its, what, 8-9 months in the past? Its still there and the feelings just won't die, especially for Sarah. Its easier to put Courtney in the past because I don't speak to her very much anymore and we never had the time together in person that Sarah and I had (memories of MSN conversations don't haunt me... only my dreams of dreams). But Sarah...
Some people just become a part of you. And when they're taken from your life, its like ripping a piece out. Even now... its like a knife to think of her and the good times we shared. Sarah is a part of me in a way that Courtney never was and never could be for the simple reason of the distance that lay between us. Sarah was more a part of my life than anyone ever has been. She cared about me more than anyone else had. She trusted me. And I don't know if I can forgive myself for betraying her. Life goes on... because it must... because I must turn off those memories and think of the future if I am not to spend my life here, wasting away.
... I still love her...
Alright, my life isn't as bad as other peoples. I'm not starving, I have a future, blah, blah, etc. I don't want you to think that I'm horribly melodramatic. But don't think that this is a little thing that I can just shrug off, as some of you seem to think. For me, the search for a companion has been the prime focus of my life... and my honor is important to me. This is an inexcusable betrayal of both her, myself and what I claim to stand for. I don't expect everyone to understand, since not everyone believes what I do... but at least have respect for it... and I hope some of you understand what it means to have betrayed the person you love and yourself.
In any case, it is time for sleep before the 8AM class. Goodnight *hugs*
- Dep
// posted by Dep @ 10:08:00 p.m.
