Thursday, December 29, 2005
Post while on vacation
I think, for the first time, I can actually post while on vacation.
The main things that have been on my mind... I won't post about here. Mayhaps I shall visit LiveJournal later today.
Lots of good day dreaming here though - I slept until noon, drifting in and out with various random thoughts in between. Occasionally thats a bad thing, because I keep daydreaming of improbable things that would let me down if I actually thought of going through with them.
*shrugs*
My mood has been less than stable while here. Some things bring me down, but some things bring me up.
I had a good long conversation with Eve last night (actually this morning). It helped a lot.
Anyways, not much else to say here. Mayhaps over to LiveJournal now.
*hugs*
- Dep
The main things that have been on my mind... I won't post about here. Mayhaps I shall visit LiveJournal later today.
Lots of good day dreaming here though - I slept until noon, drifting in and out with various random thoughts in between. Occasionally thats a bad thing, because I keep daydreaming of improbable things that would let me down if I actually thought of going through with them.
*shrugs*
My mood has been less than stable while here. Some things bring me down, but some things bring me up.
I had a good long conversation with Eve last night (actually this morning). It helped a lot.
Anyways, not much else to say here. Mayhaps over to LiveJournal now.
*hugs*
- Dep
Monday, December 26, 2005
Off
Last post was my 444th post - half way on each digit between my house number 222 and 666.
Alright, I'm off for Sudbury. Nicky I shall see thee at roughly 6AM tomorrow morning - and if I don't arrive at the right bus stop, I'm probably at the other one and you'll be getting a call lol.
*hugs to y'all* see you in a week
- Dep
Alright, I'm off for Sudbury. Nicky I shall see thee at roughly 6AM tomorrow morning - and if I don't arrive at the right bus stop, I'm probably at the other one and you'll be getting a call lol.
*hugs to y'all* see you in a week
- Dep
Gone
As of tonight, I'll be leaving for Sudbury - I probably won't have time to do very much between when I return from Cornwall (7-ish) and when I leave (10-ish), so this is my goodbye and my wishes for a safe holiday break for all.
See you in a week
- Dep
See you in a week
- Dep
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Christmas Schedule
Just thought I'd let everyone know the vague outline of my Christmas schedule for those of you who want to do stuff.
Today: Packing, cleaning, doing laundry and generally getting everything in order for the rest of Christmas. Also a trip to Vicki's to feed her cats/fish and to install her new harddrive.
Tomorrow: Christmas! Present opening goodness followed by another brief trip to Vicki's. Dinner with my mother's side of the family here in the afternoon.
Monday: Boxing Day. Vicki's in the morning, then off to my father's parent's place in Cornwall for an early Christmas meal. Returning around 7-8 after which will be the final packing.
Tuesday: Leaving at 12:01AM (technically it is still Tuesday) for Sudbury and arriving around 6AM. A contact number will be left with my parents for those of you who don't know Nicky and need to contact me - but it better be an emergency.
Wednesday-Sunday: In Sudbury, doing stuff as planned by Freya/Angelis/Eve. Notable events so far include: the celebration of my 19th birthday by dragging me out to a bar; movies galore; grocery shopping (?).
Monday: Returning from Timmins sometime - probably later in the day.
Tuesday: Work (9-5)
Wednesday: PTY (7PM-9PM)
----------------------------------
After that, I don't really know - I have at least two more days of work before I start school again on the 16th. I'll have my winter schedule the 9th so I'll know if I can keep working after that then.
More to follow later today, for now I have much cleaning and packing to do.
*hugs*
Later
- Dep -
Today: Packing, cleaning, doing laundry and generally getting everything in order for the rest of Christmas. Also a trip to Vicki's to feed her cats/fish and to install her new harddrive.
Tomorrow: Christmas! Present opening goodness followed by another brief trip to Vicki's. Dinner with my mother's side of the family here in the afternoon.
Monday: Boxing Day. Vicki's in the morning, then off to my father's parent's place in Cornwall for an early Christmas meal. Returning around 7-8 after which will be the final packing.
Tuesday: Leaving at 12:01AM (technically it is still Tuesday) for Sudbury and arriving around 6AM. A contact number will be left with my parents for those of you who don't know Nicky and need to contact me - but it better be an emergency.
Wednesday-Sunday: In Sudbury, doing stuff as planned by Freya/Angelis/Eve. Notable events so far include: the celebration of my 19th birthday by dragging me out to a bar; movies galore; grocery shopping (?).
Monday: Returning from Timmins sometime - probably later in the day.
Tuesday: Work (9-5)
Wednesday: PTY (7PM-9PM)
----------------------------------
After that, I don't really know - I have at least two more days of work before I start school again on the 16th. I'll have my winter schedule the 9th so I'll know if I can keep working after that then.
More to follow later today, for now I have much cleaning and packing to do.
*hugs*
Later
- Dep -
Minor Obsessive-Compulsive
An old habit of mine that Sarah once remarked on (mostly because she does it too) is that when I'm nervous/anxious or a similar feeling, I tend to make lists of things, be they Excel spreadsheets, Notepad lists of things to do or lists in one of my journals. Not only in those situations (though those are the indentifiable ones) but in others as well. And the other, related thing I do is my MSN countdowns to various events I'm looking forward to. This is just for those of you who don't understand it.
*blinks* my head is continually filled with thoughts as of late - I feel as though I'm changing, taking back some old habits from an older me that I like and missed (one of which is serious, more indepth journal entries such as the past two and this one) while still avoiding the negative habits that brought me down last time. And one of the more controversial habits (whether its a good or bad habit depends on your perspective) is more indepth reflections of myself. As much as I like doing this, because I feel it lets me better know myself and explain myself to others when they require explanations, it can also lead to... overthinking. We shall try to avoid that.
It's all so... indescribable. And what I feel like doing is sitting down with somebody who understands and just try to get it all out. I don't think I can do it here - the Internet is too impersonal and there would be some fairly hurtful things to be said about some people whom read this journal. Beyond those reasons, which haven't stopped me in the past I know, it's just too long. There is too much. My mind is full of it all as the past that I have shut out for the past eight months comes flooding back and I begin to deal with it all.
... Has it been eight months? Eight months since it all ended... eight months since I massively screwed up... eight months that I've been hitting myself for being a moron...
It doesn't seem as long... and it seems longer at the same time. My bad memory puts things in the past more quickly than others I suppose but it also increases the gaps between memory. But it still doesn't seem like that long ago that I was happy.
A comment to my last journal entry got me thinking - would I be better or worse off without that experience? Which is more painful - to have never experienced those kinds of feelings and so have no terrible memories to bring back or to have experienced it all?
Not to have experienced it... takes away the terrible memories. Takes away my dreams of her and what could have been if only I had been smart enough to see what I must do.
Experiencing it... hurts a lot somedays. For the first months, I didn't know what to do and it was only through a combination of forced amnesia and insanity that I could truly go on with my life. School helped a lot. But with the experience comes the knowledge that I was once loved above all others... and with that comes the hope that it could happen again.
I don't know which one is more painful. Without is a general depression without a source, but also without a light. With is a specific depression with a very painful and sharp blade, but there is hope within.
Eight months.
Somedays I dream of having the chance to redo it all - oh the choices are clear to me now, as they always are months after I had to make them. I sometimes lose myself in the moment and give in to pressues that I shouldn't. It's not even a question of logic versus emotion - its a question of emotion versus emotion. And I hate making those kinds of decisions - where somebody must be hurt, but whom? Must I choose?
Somedays I dream of her forgiveness and having the chance to fix the wrongs that I have done. But I will never have that chance - that is the painful reality I must accept.
I can only move forward.
Is there even a future for me? I don't plan on burying this story in the past - I learned my lesson about this. But can any woman trust me let alone love me, knowing of what I've done? When you stack this up along with the rest of my flaws, even when weighed against all the good things about me, am I not found wanting? I find myself wanting. I find myself making stupid stupid mistakes that even a moron wouldn't make - so why do I make them?
It has been said by some that I could do anything I wanted in life (excluding working in a language other than English). I have the talent in the right places and the willingness to work to succeed in any field I wanted to enter into. So why can't I get this right?
Now I'm just whining. I have to stop that.
Somedays I think the best solution would be to move to another city where I can start new. The downsides are obviously that I would have to work to pay rent/groceries/etc, I would have to abandon my nearly-free college education and my half-price university and I would miss a few people here. The upsides... well, they're up. I often think about what it would be like to move to Sudbury - I know Freya/Angelis and now Eve from there whom are some of the closest friends I have.
I think one of the things I fear the most is being alone all through my life. As much as I'm hard to get along with and as much as I may push people away somedays - as much as I hurt some people - I do need someone. I need someone to share my life with. There isn't a point to walking my road, in my mind, if I don't have somebody there with me to share in each others challenges. My fear of death (which is extreme) builds on this as death could be final seperation between me and all other people.
Death... abstractly does not scare me. Horror movies are great, violent video games and what not are awesome. Where death gets me is in reality. When I think about the atheist version of death - nothingness - then I feel a deep overwhelming sense of depression. Life that just ends - that has no meaning. I look at my hands, will these be rotting in some box in the ground 100 years from now? Will I die in my sleep and never be aware of it, or will I die slowly, in torment? Is there an afterlife? Is there such a thing as a soul that can go on? As much as I shun organized religion, I still am a spiritual person and I hope that there is such a thing as a soul that can continue life in a higher plane. I don't know though - I can't say I really do believe it will happen. I fear that there is not. And I know that it is a one way trip - if it wasn't, we would hear about other people coming back from the dead all the time.
I like myself. I love the person I am. I want to be. I want to exist, I want to know, I want to go on. I don't want to die and become nothingness.
But death is inevitable. That just adds to the horror. A car crash is avoidable. Going bankrupt is avoidable. Losing your job, getting kicked out of school - all of these are avoidable AND you can fix them some how. Death is not. You can't avoid it. You can't fix it. Barring the invention of a cure for old age, I am going to die. And that is all the more horrifying.
Off of this topic before I really start thinking about it.
Originally tonight, I was going to share my thoughts on the universe. But I won't, as I don't have time before I go to bed. So I will leave that and another topic for another night.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
*hugs to you all* and I hope you all have an awesome weekend. I'll post again tomorrow, hopefully longer, but at least to wish everyone a merry christmas/happy holidays/whatnot.
Good night all.
- Dep
*blinks* my head is continually filled with thoughts as of late - I feel as though I'm changing, taking back some old habits from an older me that I like and missed (one of which is serious, more indepth journal entries such as the past two and this one) while still avoiding the negative habits that brought me down last time. And one of the more controversial habits (whether its a good or bad habit depends on your perspective) is more indepth reflections of myself. As much as I like doing this, because I feel it lets me better know myself and explain myself to others when they require explanations, it can also lead to... overthinking. We shall try to avoid that.
It's all so... indescribable. And what I feel like doing is sitting down with somebody who understands and just try to get it all out. I don't think I can do it here - the Internet is too impersonal and there would be some fairly hurtful things to be said about some people whom read this journal. Beyond those reasons, which haven't stopped me in the past I know, it's just too long. There is too much. My mind is full of it all as the past that I have shut out for the past eight months comes flooding back and I begin to deal with it all.
... Has it been eight months? Eight months since it all ended... eight months since I massively screwed up... eight months that I've been hitting myself for being a moron...
It doesn't seem as long... and it seems longer at the same time. My bad memory puts things in the past more quickly than others I suppose but it also increases the gaps between memory. But it still doesn't seem like that long ago that I was happy.
A comment to my last journal entry got me thinking - would I be better or worse off without that experience? Which is more painful - to have never experienced those kinds of feelings and so have no terrible memories to bring back or to have experienced it all?
Not to have experienced it... takes away the terrible memories. Takes away my dreams of her and what could have been if only I had been smart enough to see what I must do.
Experiencing it... hurts a lot somedays. For the first months, I didn't know what to do and it was only through a combination of forced amnesia and insanity that I could truly go on with my life. School helped a lot. But with the experience comes the knowledge that I was once loved above all others... and with that comes the hope that it could happen again.
I don't know which one is more painful. Without is a general depression without a source, but also without a light. With is a specific depression with a very painful and sharp blade, but there is hope within.
Eight months.
Somedays I dream of having the chance to redo it all - oh the choices are clear to me now, as they always are months after I had to make them. I sometimes lose myself in the moment and give in to pressues that I shouldn't. It's not even a question of logic versus emotion - its a question of emotion versus emotion. And I hate making those kinds of decisions - where somebody must be hurt, but whom? Must I choose?
Somedays I dream of her forgiveness and having the chance to fix the wrongs that I have done. But I will never have that chance - that is the painful reality I must accept.
I can only move forward.
Is there even a future for me? I don't plan on burying this story in the past - I learned my lesson about this. But can any woman trust me let alone love me, knowing of what I've done? When you stack this up along with the rest of my flaws, even when weighed against all the good things about me, am I not found wanting? I find myself wanting. I find myself making stupid stupid mistakes that even a moron wouldn't make - so why do I make them?
It has been said by some that I could do anything I wanted in life (excluding working in a language other than English). I have the talent in the right places and the willingness to work to succeed in any field I wanted to enter into. So why can't I get this right?
Now I'm just whining. I have to stop that.
Somedays I think the best solution would be to move to another city where I can start new. The downsides are obviously that I would have to work to pay rent/groceries/etc, I would have to abandon my nearly-free college education and my half-price university and I would miss a few people here. The upsides... well, they're up. I often think about what it would be like to move to Sudbury - I know Freya/Angelis and now Eve from there whom are some of the closest friends I have.
I think one of the things I fear the most is being alone all through my life. As much as I'm hard to get along with and as much as I may push people away somedays - as much as I hurt some people - I do need someone. I need someone to share my life with. There isn't a point to walking my road, in my mind, if I don't have somebody there with me to share in each others challenges. My fear of death (which is extreme) builds on this as death could be final seperation between me and all other people.
Death... abstractly does not scare me. Horror movies are great, violent video games and what not are awesome. Where death gets me is in reality. When I think about the atheist version of death - nothingness - then I feel a deep overwhelming sense of depression. Life that just ends - that has no meaning. I look at my hands, will these be rotting in some box in the ground 100 years from now? Will I die in my sleep and never be aware of it, or will I die slowly, in torment? Is there an afterlife? Is there such a thing as a soul that can go on? As much as I shun organized religion, I still am a spiritual person and I hope that there is such a thing as a soul that can continue life in a higher plane. I don't know though - I can't say I really do believe it will happen. I fear that there is not. And I know that it is a one way trip - if it wasn't, we would hear about other people coming back from the dead all the time.
I like myself. I love the person I am. I want to be. I want to exist, I want to know, I want to go on. I don't want to die and become nothingness.
But death is inevitable. That just adds to the horror. A car crash is avoidable. Going bankrupt is avoidable. Losing your job, getting kicked out of school - all of these are avoidable AND you can fix them some how. Death is not. You can't avoid it. You can't fix it. Barring the invention of a cure for old age, I am going to die. And that is all the more horrifying.
Off of this topic before I really start thinking about it.
Originally tonight, I was going to share my thoughts on the universe. But I won't, as I don't have time before I go to bed. So I will leave that and another topic for another night.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
*hugs to you all* and I hope you all have an awesome weekend. I'll post again tomorrow, hopefully longer, but at least to wish everyone a merry christmas/happy holidays/whatnot.
Good night all.
- Dep
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Perspective Shifts
It is an interesting mood/perspective. One of reflection and an easy addiction to music where music can bring out the reflection.
I don't know if I can explain myself to people. When I think about it, in my head, it all makes sense. But as soon as I even start to type it here or anywhere... it just starts sounding stupid. Perhaps my personality is inherently a... contradictory one. The insane position of wanting so much but so afraid to and the continuing pushing of people away because of that fear - the fear of involvement, of rejection, of the crushing pain that somehow I keep walking into.
Can people really understand what this is like - to have this duality of wanting and wanting and wanting... and then whenever you get close you either blow it all through a stupid decision, back out because the fear is just too much or find out they were fucking with your head (yes this has happened - I forgave them for it but it took a lot).
Somedays, it is just so exhausting and frustrating that I want to give up. I want to say to hell with it all and just bury myself in something else. All it takes is one dream about someone, one resurfacing memory of my time with Sarah or one view of another couple and it all comes back.
Seeing other couples... can drive me nuts. It really depends on the mood I'm in. Occasionally, it doesn't bother me because I'm focused on something else interally or I just haven't throught about relationships in the past couple of hours. But sometimes, especially when I'm in a bit of a reflective mood such as today, I can't stand it. I'm envious. I'm flooded with memories of a time when I was happy - and the nostalgia is overwhelming. I want those days back so badly... not for the sex or anything like that... but to have one person to hold, one person to whom I could tell anything, one person to spend huge amounts of time with and not annoy the fuck out of them, one person... one person to be with. And then it hits me that I can't and probably won't have that for a while as it takes a while to build a relationship and I haven't even started one. And then the pain and regret all come flooding back.
I have had three girlfriends whom I considered as being serious (despite what others may say about them) - these being Vicki, Courtney and Sarah. Out of all of these, the only one with whom I really really got involved with was Sarah. I didn't with the other two because... well Vicki and I have huge differences and despite the feelings I had (and still have) for her, it just wasn't going to go anywhere. She has her own battles to fight before we could fight one together. And Courtney lived a thousand miles away and had no time to see me, so it was kindof impossible to build a relationship on that. That was kind of sad as we tried it for a year and it just... it all fell apart. But Sarah... Sarah lived about an hour and a half by city bus away from my house, so it was never a terribly long trip to see her. We went to the same school and had similarly permissive parents so we got to spend vast amounts of time together. We had a large number of happy moments to enjoy. We had our fights, yes - but we worked through them in a way Courtney and I couldn't (and Vicki never even talked about her problems) and they, for the most part got solved. We had one we couldn't, but that was my fault for being an idiot and making a horrible choice. But it is always these memories of Sarah that come flooding back - just holding her on the bus. Sitting together in the tv room last year - going to Concordia together, being at my place or her place. Truly awesome memories that shouldn't be sad memories yet they are.
When it ended, last april, I went into a terrible funk that I don't think I've ever recovered from. For a month, I was in denial, with the back and forth mood swings of "maybe we can salvage this" versus "its over". And then it hit me that it really was over.
I cannot remember ever being that depressed. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Sarah and I fell apart because I dealt with it by lashing out.
Shockingly enough, I felt more comfortable with Sarah than with anyone else. Sarah and I had, I suppose, the time to get to know each other and become comfortable with each other in each others person. Complete comfort... is something I doubt I can have with people. When it comes to hurting people, I still had a hard time. Telling her harsh things, things I knew would make her be sad and depressed were things I avoided telling her however I could. Not always the wisest of decisions.
But instead of burying all the feelings I felt, like I did with Courtney, I let them out through email - to the point we stopped talking and only started again recently.
After that, it was just neutral. Going to Timmins for a month was one of the hardest months of my life - I buried myself in the work Chris and I did with Xirian and in a crush on Lisa.
------------------------------
... that went on long. too long. forgive the rant - there is a lot in my brain and I wanted to get as much out before I lay down to sleep as I know its just going to continue to haunt me until I finally sleep.
More tomorrow if the mood continues - I suspect some people actually like it when I rant... (if you do, leave a message and I'll definately post next time instead of writing it out on paper).
And a final thanks to anyone who's ever listened to a rant or been there for me in a time of trouble, notably: Jaz, Freya, Andi, Sarah, Dragon, Raven, Lisa/Mira and Eve.
TRIP UPDATE: I have a meeting on Tuesday the 3rd, so I will be returning on Monday sometime. Plans are on for the original leaving date, which means I'll be seeing you (With presents for some - surprises for some people and not for others) guys bright and early Tuesday morning.
UNDERGROUND UPDATE: Design on the database begins tomorrow. Final plans for the new site will be done sometime once I return from Sudbury.
PTS WEBSITE UPDATE: My design has been submitted to the PTS Board for review, with further refinements/comments expected when I return from Sudbury.
STATCAN UPDATE: Exhausting day of testing, making my email work and creating a macro for Excel. Next day of work is the 3rd where I may finally be entered into the payroll system.
CHRISTMAS UPDATE: Sunday is the dinner here with my mothers parents. Monday afternoon is dinner in Cornwall with my fathers parents before I hop on the bus.
*hugs to y'all*
g'night and happy holidays
- Dep (Robert)
I don't know if I can explain myself to people. When I think about it, in my head, it all makes sense. But as soon as I even start to type it here or anywhere... it just starts sounding stupid. Perhaps my personality is inherently a... contradictory one. The insane position of wanting so much but so afraid to and the continuing pushing of people away because of that fear - the fear of involvement, of rejection, of the crushing pain that somehow I keep walking into.
Can people really understand what this is like - to have this duality of wanting and wanting and wanting... and then whenever you get close you either blow it all through a stupid decision, back out because the fear is just too much or find out they were fucking with your head (yes this has happened - I forgave them for it but it took a lot).
Somedays, it is just so exhausting and frustrating that I want to give up. I want to say to hell with it all and just bury myself in something else. All it takes is one dream about someone, one resurfacing memory of my time with Sarah or one view of another couple and it all comes back.
Seeing other couples... can drive me nuts. It really depends on the mood I'm in. Occasionally, it doesn't bother me because I'm focused on something else interally or I just haven't throught about relationships in the past couple of hours. But sometimes, especially when I'm in a bit of a reflective mood such as today, I can't stand it. I'm envious. I'm flooded with memories of a time when I was happy - and the nostalgia is overwhelming. I want those days back so badly... not for the sex or anything like that... but to have one person to hold, one person to whom I could tell anything, one person to spend huge amounts of time with and not annoy the fuck out of them, one person... one person to be with. And then it hits me that I can't and probably won't have that for a while as it takes a while to build a relationship and I haven't even started one. And then the pain and regret all come flooding back.
I have had three girlfriends whom I considered as being serious (despite what others may say about them) - these being Vicki, Courtney and Sarah. Out of all of these, the only one with whom I really really got involved with was Sarah. I didn't with the other two because... well Vicki and I have huge differences and despite the feelings I had (and still have) for her, it just wasn't going to go anywhere. She has her own battles to fight before we could fight one together. And Courtney lived a thousand miles away and had no time to see me, so it was kindof impossible to build a relationship on that. That was kind of sad as we tried it for a year and it just... it all fell apart. But Sarah... Sarah lived about an hour and a half by city bus away from my house, so it was never a terribly long trip to see her. We went to the same school and had similarly permissive parents so we got to spend vast amounts of time together. We had a large number of happy moments to enjoy. We had our fights, yes - but we worked through them in a way Courtney and I couldn't (and Vicki never even talked about her problems) and they, for the most part got solved. We had one we couldn't, but that was my fault for being an idiot and making a horrible choice. But it is always these memories of Sarah that come flooding back - just holding her on the bus. Sitting together in the tv room last year - going to Concordia together, being at my place or her place. Truly awesome memories that shouldn't be sad memories yet they are.
When it ended, last april, I went into a terrible funk that I don't think I've ever recovered from. For a month, I was in denial, with the back and forth mood swings of "maybe we can salvage this" versus "its over". And then it hit me that it really was over.
I cannot remember ever being that depressed. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Sarah and I fell apart because I dealt with it by lashing out.
Shockingly enough, I felt more comfortable with Sarah than with anyone else. Sarah and I had, I suppose, the time to get to know each other and become comfortable with each other in each others person. Complete comfort... is something I doubt I can have with people. When it comes to hurting people, I still had a hard time. Telling her harsh things, things I knew would make her be sad and depressed were things I avoided telling her however I could. Not always the wisest of decisions.
But instead of burying all the feelings I felt, like I did with Courtney, I let them out through email - to the point we stopped talking and only started again recently.
After that, it was just neutral. Going to Timmins for a month was one of the hardest months of my life - I buried myself in the work Chris and I did with Xirian and in a crush on Lisa.
------------------------------
... that went on long. too long. forgive the rant - there is a lot in my brain and I wanted to get as much out before I lay down to sleep as I know its just going to continue to haunt me until I finally sleep.
More tomorrow if the mood continues - I suspect some people actually like it when I rant... (if you do, leave a message and I'll definately post next time instead of writing it out on paper).
And a final thanks to anyone who's ever listened to a rant or been there for me in a time of trouble, notably: Jaz, Freya, Andi, Sarah, Dragon, Raven, Lisa/Mira and Eve.
TRIP UPDATE: I have a meeting on Tuesday the 3rd, so I will be returning on Monday sometime. Plans are on for the original leaving date, which means I'll be seeing you (With presents for some - surprises for some people and not for others) guys bright and early Tuesday morning.
UNDERGROUND UPDATE: Design on the database begins tomorrow. Final plans for the new site will be done sometime once I return from Sudbury.
PTS WEBSITE UPDATE: My design has been submitted to the PTS Board for review, with further refinements/comments expected when I return from Sudbury.
STATCAN UPDATE: Exhausting day of testing, making my email work and creating a macro for Excel. Next day of work is the 3rd where I may finally be entered into the payroll system.
CHRISTMAS UPDATE: Sunday is the dinner here with my mothers parents. Monday afternoon is dinner in Cornwall with my fathers parents before I hop on the bus.
*hugs to y'all*
g'night and happy holidays
- Dep (Robert)
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
First Day
*whump*
I have...
- an access pass
- an email (not for public distribution)
- a phone # (not to be constantly used)
- a headset for answering calls with (it is blue and metallic and truly awesome)
- a computer (not for hacking, I promised)
- a user account
The job... is... awesome.
Let me update for you...
- 7.5 hours per week (one day) taken at a time that is convienent for me. Extra time is possible if needed and I want it. Flexible enough to fit into my school hours next semester.
- $12.47 per hour which tallies to just under $100/day.
- Awesome people and environment - plenty of fun-loving, joke telling people. Truly awesome people, I love them already.
- Facilities: weight room, exercise room, quiet room (for meditating!), two cafeterias, a tiny depanneur (thats convienence store for the non-french speakers). Plus a variety of restaurents nearby.
- all for me helping people out on testing, answering tech support calls (in english/french) and answering tech support emails. Between noon and 5, they had about 10 callers - 8 english and two french. And my boss speaks French at about the same degree I do, so it should all be good.
For all my anxiety over it, this isn't so bad - it's going to be really good. It's an incredibly relaxed and stress-free environment. I have to go in again tomorrow for 9-5 and then I'm buying my bus tickets to Sudbury!!! yay!
Yes, Freya - the plans are on as informed. I may even be able to stay an extra day and leave Tuesday morning (as I only need 7.5 hours every 7 day pay period which is a Thursday-Wednesday (inclusive) period).
Other good news... more exam marks!!!
And I apologize to people, I am really hyper, nothing bad happened today - even the PTY party went well (when we were sure it wasn't going to). Just a massive release of tension.
But yes, lets take a look at the finals
French: who knows.
Knowledge: not out yet
Operating Systems: 87% (I choked, alright? It's still a great mark, especially considering the average of 75%)
Web Programming I: 99%
Programming I: 98%
Which gives the final marks of...
French: who knows.
Knowledge: 90% + the exam
OS: 92%
Web: 95%
Prog: a whopping 100%
:)
-------------------------------------------------
In other news...
there is no other news. the news is good. PTY is done for a week, but we'll be back in two weeks.
blah, I have no clue what to write about. I'm off to bed, the better to wake up for work tomorrow (I was so out of it until about 11AM)
*hugs to all*
- Dep
I have...
- an access pass
- an email (not for public distribution)
- a phone # (not to be constantly used)
- a headset for answering calls with (it is blue and metallic and truly awesome)
- a computer (not for hacking, I promised)
- a user account
The job... is... awesome.
Let me update for you...
- 7.5 hours per week (one day) taken at a time that is convienent for me. Extra time is possible if needed and I want it. Flexible enough to fit into my school hours next semester.
- $12.47 per hour which tallies to just under $100/day.
- Awesome people and environment - plenty of fun-loving, joke telling people. Truly awesome people, I love them already.
- Facilities: weight room, exercise room, quiet room (for meditating!), two cafeterias, a tiny depanneur (thats convienence store for the non-french speakers). Plus a variety of restaurents nearby.
- all for me helping people out on testing, answering tech support calls (in english/french) and answering tech support emails. Between noon and 5, they had about 10 callers - 8 english and two french. And my boss speaks French at about the same degree I do, so it should all be good.
For all my anxiety over it, this isn't so bad - it's going to be really good. It's an incredibly relaxed and stress-free environment. I have to go in again tomorrow for 9-5 and then I'm buying my bus tickets to Sudbury!!! yay!
Yes, Freya - the plans are on as informed. I may even be able to stay an extra day and leave Tuesday morning (as I only need 7.5 hours every 7 day pay period which is a Thursday-Wednesday (inclusive) period).
Other good news... more exam marks!!!
And I apologize to people, I am really hyper, nothing bad happened today - even the PTY party went well (when we were sure it wasn't going to). Just a massive release of tension.
But yes, lets take a look at the finals
French: who knows.
Knowledge: not out yet
Operating Systems: 87% (I choked, alright? It's still a great mark, especially considering the average of 75%)
Web Programming I: 99%
Programming I: 98%
Which gives the final marks of...
French: who knows.
Knowledge: 90% + the exam
OS: 92%
Web: 95%
Prog: a whopping 100%
:)
-------------------------------------------------
In other news...
there is no other news. the news is good. PTY is done for a week, but we'll be back in two weeks.
blah, I have no clue what to write about. I'm off to bed, the better to wake up for work tomorrow (I was so out of it until about 11AM)
*hugs to all*
- Dep
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Random Stuff
Blogging is a wonderful tool. So is the Internet. If you compare today's society with the society of the mid 50s - well, we have lost some things (at least in my own mind) but we're in an era where access to information isn't just limited to your local library - it's in your home and the resources at your fingertips are amazing. With projects like Wikipedia and help sites for just about every aspect of human knowledge, you can sit at home and learn everything. And you can meet people from near or far - talk with your friends all at once instead of one at a time over the phone, share documents and music, even play games.
I have one solid long-term goal in life and that is to know. I fear death for death is the unknown and carries with it the chance of losing all that I have gained in terms of knowledge - perhaps to start over, perhaps never to think again. A lot of people wish for immortality yet a lot of people don't realize just how long forever is. Yet I wish for it still, if only so that I could gather all the knowledge of all things to me. But there isn't time in life for such things. Knowledge is still my drug of choice and I am rarely happier than when I am learning something new. When the world is gone and there is no more knowledge, perhaps I would be ready then to die. But as long as there is one more subject to be studied, one more place to visit, one more story to hear, I do not believe I will be ready for death.
Knowledge is my drug, it is my sanity in a bottle. There are so many absurd/paradoxical things in the world that I sometimes lose my faith. Sometimes the fears and pains of the past are so strong in my memory that all I can do is bury myself in something. Sometimes I just don't want to face the world, I want to turn inward. And in those moments or days or years even, it has always been to knowledge that I have turned.
Music is the same way, though with a lesser effect. In both, I am capable of utterly losing myself and forgetting about everything else in the world. I am addicted, in a sense, to both - music draws my attention away from almost anything and random spurts of singing are hard to avoid. They give me a focus that I sometimes lack.
This is my path and my person. I tend to be a bit of a dualistic (perhaps trilistic might be a better word) person, in that I'm often conflicted between the 'safe' part of me which wants to shut out the world and the other part of me which wants to be immersed in it, a part of it. I believe there is a writing somewhere in one of my journals (possibly the first entry of my deviantART journal) that goes through this in a bit more detail. But I make it through the rough days and there are better days as well that are worth looking forward to.
The philosophical question, how do we live so that we can live a good life, is a question that, for me, has an infinite number of answers. For there is no one way to live life correctly. Every person must live life according to the principles they believe in, the inner feelings that guide them and the goals that drive them. But a part of that should always be a recognition that what you believe is right MAY NOT BE the correct path for other people and therefore you should not attempt to correct what you might see as 'flawed' behaviour. No one's going to force you to love them for whom they are or even be around them. But at least respect them enough to allow them to live their own lives. Not to say you shouldn't help people. People who ask for help should be helped and your opinions are always welcome. But if a person likes whom they are then quite simply, don't try and change them.
This has support in that, in my experience, trying to change people into somebody they're not and don't want to be ALWAYS fails. Look at Dragon and his girlfriend. She keeps trying to change him and it just pisses him off and they fight, so she tones it down, they stay together, and then she starts again. Clearly, he isn't going to change. As much as we, perhaps, disagree with the path he is taking, it is the one he believes in.
I gave up changing people once I realized this. Instead, I try to understand people. I may build models of their personality in their head, but that model is flexible. It is added to and subtracted from as new things come in - and maybe at the end of the day, I still don't understand them - I've never understood Vicki. But I still love her as one of my greatest friends (the more than that, we won't get into). Truly knowing a person can take a life time. I don't have full understanding of any of the complex people I know.
Am I a complex person?
The simple answer to that is yes. The longer complex answer... well you'd have to ask somebody else, because I don't know. I suspect there is something incredibly simple at the root of all my complexities - that once understanding of that has been achieved, everything else makes sense. Because to me, my life does make sense. It makes sense that I don't communicate well, except through the Internet. It makes sense that I'm a freak. It makes sense that my relationships remind some of soap operas and tend to have a bit of melodrama and up/down.
Heh - I suppose I can't blame most people for not wanting a relationship with me. The complexities combined with social awkwardness, some fear, lack of trust and such makes me an incredibly difficult person to get inside of, much less to love. And once inside... only one person has truly gotten inside and actually tried to build a relationship with me and she went away because she couldn't handle my personality.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that was an interesting rant wasn't it? I have to leave in an hour for my exam and I need to shower/eat first. Thank you Eve for the conversation/journal entries that were the inspiration of part of this.
*hugs*
Wish me luck.
- Dep
I have one solid long-term goal in life and that is to know. I fear death for death is the unknown and carries with it the chance of losing all that I have gained in terms of knowledge - perhaps to start over, perhaps never to think again. A lot of people wish for immortality yet a lot of people don't realize just how long forever is. Yet I wish for it still, if only so that I could gather all the knowledge of all things to me. But there isn't time in life for such things. Knowledge is still my drug of choice and I am rarely happier than when I am learning something new. When the world is gone and there is no more knowledge, perhaps I would be ready then to die. But as long as there is one more subject to be studied, one more place to visit, one more story to hear, I do not believe I will be ready for death.
Knowledge is my drug, it is my sanity in a bottle. There are so many absurd/paradoxical things in the world that I sometimes lose my faith. Sometimes the fears and pains of the past are so strong in my memory that all I can do is bury myself in something. Sometimes I just don't want to face the world, I want to turn inward. And in those moments or days or years even, it has always been to knowledge that I have turned.
Music is the same way, though with a lesser effect. In both, I am capable of utterly losing myself and forgetting about everything else in the world. I am addicted, in a sense, to both - music draws my attention away from almost anything and random spurts of singing are hard to avoid. They give me a focus that I sometimes lack.
This is my path and my person. I tend to be a bit of a dualistic (perhaps trilistic might be a better word) person, in that I'm often conflicted between the 'safe' part of me which wants to shut out the world and the other part of me which wants to be immersed in it, a part of it. I believe there is a writing somewhere in one of my journals (possibly the first entry of my deviantART journal) that goes through this in a bit more detail. But I make it through the rough days and there are better days as well that are worth looking forward to.
The philosophical question, how do we live so that we can live a good life, is a question that, for me, has an infinite number of answers. For there is no one way to live life correctly. Every person must live life according to the principles they believe in, the inner feelings that guide them and the goals that drive them. But a part of that should always be a recognition that what you believe is right MAY NOT BE the correct path for other people and therefore you should not attempt to correct what you might see as 'flawed' behaviour. No one's going to force you to love them for whom they are or even be around them. But at least respect them enough to allow them to live their own lives. Not to say you shouldn't help people. People who ask for help should be helped and your opinions are always welcome. But if a person likes whom they are then quite simply, don't try and change them.
This has support in that, in my experience, trying to change people into somebody they're not and don't want to be ALWAYS fails. Look at Dragon and his girlfriend. She keeps trying to change him and it just pisses him off and they fight, so she tones it down, they stay together, and then she starts again. Clearly, he isn't going to change. As much as we, perhaps, disagree with the path he is taking, it is the one he believes in.
I gave up changing people once I realized this. Instead, I try to understand people. I may build models of their personality in their head, but that model is flexible. It is added to and subtracted from as new things come in - and maybe at the end of the day, I still don't understand them - I've never understood Vicki. But I still love her as one of my greatest friends (the more than that, we won't get into). Truly knowing a person can take a life time. I don't have full understanding of any of the complex people I know.
Am I a complex person?
The simple answer to that is yes. The longer complex answer... well you'd have to ask somebody else, because I don't know. I suspect there is something incredibly simple at the root of all my complexities - that once understanding of that has been achieved, everything else makes sense. Because to me, my life does make sense. It makes sense that I don't communicate well, except through the Internet. It makes sense that I'm a freak. It makes sense that my relationships remind some of soap operas and tend to have a bit of melodrama and up/down.
Heh - I suppose I can't blame most people for not wanting a relationship with me. The complexities combined with social awkwardness, some fear, lack of trust and such makes me an incredibly difficult person to get inside of, much less to love. And once inside... only one person has truly gotten inside and actually tried to build a relationship with me and she went away because she couldn't handle my personality.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that was an interesting rant wasn't it? I have to leave in an hour for my exam and I need to shower/eat first. Thank you Eve for the conversation/journal entries that were the inspiration of part of this.
*hugs*
Wish me luck.
- Dep
Monday, December 19, 2005
Yay usual idiocy
*hits head on wall* and as usual, I'm an idiot.
In other news.
I have some work to do tonight so I don't know how much I'll be around. My true work starts Wednesday (ugh - it approaches).
I'm going to probably go downtown in about 10 minutes and just walk around enjoying it. It's been too long since I got out. Who knows, maybe it will be productive.
Thats about it. I suppose I'll try to post again later.
- Dep
In other news.
I have some work to do tonight so I don't know how much I'll be around. My true work starts Wednesday (ugh - it approaches).
I'm going to probably go downtown in about 10 minutes and just walk around enjoying it. It's been too long since I got out. Who knows, maybe it will be productive.
Thats about it. I suppose I'll try to post again later.
- Dep
Sunday, December 18, 2005
(?)
There is no more point in denying anything. I... no, it's impossible. As much as I may want something to happen; as much as I tell myself that maybe this time, things will go differently - that she is not the other who could not maintain the connection. As much as I may seemingly delude myself, the odds are against it. The connection too long to be maintained, the uncertainty too great to fight against. But there is still no more point in denying it. Whatever she may feel - there is something warm inside me that grows, that causes me to think of things farfetched and improbable. I don't know what I am to do - patience is required, understanding and trust building is required. The time is not ready for me to put a name to these thoughts beyond the name that exists only in my own head. Will the time ever be ripe? We must wait and see.
There is always hope in the world for everyone that one day, dawn may grace their skies again and darkness may move to twilight. That the world need not seem so horrible - for everyone, there is the hope that someone will love them.
*hugs to everyone*
More posts tonight when I return.
- Dep
There is always hope in the world for everyone that one day, dawn may grace their skies again and darkness may move to twilight. That the world need not seem so horrible - for everyone, there is the hope that someone will love them.
*hugs to everyone*
More posts tonight when I return.
- Dep
Saturday, December 17, 2005
The 19ness
My first full day of being 19.
My programming exam went well - top marks most likely with some creative solutions.
Christmas shopping went... less well. I have boughten only one present today - I need to make a list and go again tomorrow - I also need to conspire with certain people (Daren, Freya).
Dinner out with the family tomorrow evening.
The trip... is on. I will have full confirmation of the dates by Wednesday night for all. For those of you left out of the planning of this trip, I shall be visiting the lovely Freya, her dashing boyfriend Angelis and the deadly Eve (among others) in the freezing city of Sudbury this month for a week of relaxation on my part (stress levels... are high).
I start Wednesday with my first official job ever.
Two exams left - monday and tuesday (math and web programming).
*is out of things to say* there's more to say, but I'm gonna leave that for later tonight.
*hugs*
Later
- Dep
My programming exam went well - top marks most likely with some creative solutions.
Christmas shopping went... less well. I have boughten only one present today - I need to make a list and go again tomorrow - I also need to conspire with certain people (Daren, Freya).
Dinner out with the family tomorrow evening.
The trip... is on. I will have full confirmation of the dates by Wednesday night for all. For those of you left out of the planning of this trip, I shall be visiting the lovely Freya, her dashing boyfriend Angelis and the deadly Eve (among others) in the freezing city of Sudbury this month for a week of relaxation on my part (stress levels... are high).
I start Wednesday with my first official job ever.
Two exams left - monday and tuesday (math and web programming).
*is out of things to say* there's more to say, but I'm gonna leave that for later tonight.
*hugs*
Later
- Dep
You shall unite, or you shall fall.
Today, on Footsteps (not to sound like a TV program), we're going to do one of my favorite things (have a philosophical discussion) and look at...
THE 'FANTASTIC' FOUR.
AKA - The major political parties of Canada.
Now the first question is... why. Why look at the parties? Sure, you can say they're all corrupt. But I think corruption has always been a part of politics and no political party can say they're not corrupt. The Liberals (not under Paul Martin note, but under Jean Chretian) had Adscam. There were a lot of suggestions that Brian Mulrouny did similar things under the Conservative party leadership awhile ago. Those are the two major parties in Canada and they both have examples of corruption in their history. Furthermore, no political party can deliver on all of its promises. The BQ hasn't delivered seperation. The NDP has stood with the Liberals on a lot of issues and then claim the Liberals were slowing things down. Corruption and lies are a part of politics because we the public demand the lies. I'll get to that in a moment, right now I want to outline the major parties platforms. Again why? Because its important to vote in our society. We are a democracy and if we're not voting, we're not helping the democracy to function. But a lot of you are too lazy perhaps to do the research and find out which party is better for you. This is a simple, short guide that deals with the major issues (I just watched both debates - english and french) facing Canada today.
Bloc Quebecois - Gilles Duceppe(sp?)
(Socialist Seperatists)
- Believes Canada and Quebec should be two seperate countries.
- Is for gay marriage and gay rights
- Is for social programs such as healthcare, daycare, education, etc and puts heavy focus on putting money into these progrrams.
- Is for taking a moderately hardline with the United States (ie redrafting NAFTA)
- Is for a cut in taxes (whether GST or personal income, I can't remember)
The New Democratic Party (NDP) - Jack Layton
(Socialist Federalists)
- Believes in the unity of Canada
- Is for gay marriage/rights
- Is for social programs and puts heavy focus on putting money into these programs.
- Is against cutting corporate taxes
- Is for a cut in taxes (both the GST and personal income)
- Moderate stance against the US, open to the possibility of redrafting NAFTA
The Liberal Party of Canada - Paul Martin
(Moderate Federalists)
- Believes in the unity of Canada, is very passionate about it.
- Is for gay marriages/rights
- Is for social programs, with a moderate-heavy focus on putting money into these programs.
- Is for cutting corporate taxes
- Is for a cut in taxes (personal income primarily, though the GST was mentioned as well)
- Takes a very strong stance against the US and wants to redraft NAFTA
The Conservative Party of Canada - Stephen Harper
(Conservative Federalists)
- Believes in the unity of Canada, though would be willing to let Quebec seperate if the process was fair.
- Is for gay rights but against gay marriage (note this is a recent change in their position which was originally against both)
- Is for cutting taxes in general (GST heavily mentioned)
- Is for social programs, with a light-moderate focus on putting money into these programs.
- Takes a softer stance against the US and doesn't want to change NAFTA.
- Increased military spending and increased participation in the war in Iraq as well as increased cooperation with the US.
That is, in a nutshell, the four main political parties of Canada (note that since I am Quebecois, I've included the Bloc). So who should you vote for? I leave that completly up to you. What follows is my own opinion.
CANADA FOR ME
Canada, for me, is about a number of things.
(1) It's about acceptance. As a bisexual man living in this country, I am very thankful we don't have some of the issues that there are in the states. While we may not be perfect yet, we are at least progessing towards it.
(2) It's about unity. I live in Quebec and I'm actually proud of living here - we have some awesome things (not the least of which is cheap education). But I also love being a part of Canada and I just don't think things would be same if Quebec was not. It's true Quebec and Canada have fundamental differences but perhaps they should try to find compromises instead of just splitting up.
(3) It's about socialism. Yeah, alright, paying taxes is a bitch and some of that is squandered. But a large amount of it goes into helping people. If education was privatized, I don't think I would be able to afford it (look at the States where it's hard to go to college - I get it for free in Quebec and the rest of Canada is still far cheaper). Look at healthcare and the rest - you may not need it now, but IT IS THERE when you need it. Sure the system doesn't work and needs to be cleaned up - but the concept is still good. I would not have the education I have today if it wasn't for social programs and therefore, since I benefited from it, why shouldn't others?
(4) It's about patriotism. We are, contrary to popular belief, not the United States doorstep. We are not their lapdog, nor are we the 51st state. We are a seperate country with different ideas on things. And I congradulate Paul Martin on his responses to the United States on the issue of softwood and the other various issues. I think we haven't taken all the steps we need to take, but we are moving in the right direction.
Therefore, for all these reasons, I come down to the Liberals or the NDP. I don't know which way I'm going to vote but I like Paul Martin's passion. He's a very passionate man and you can tell he really gets into the issues and into politics. The other leaders seem reserved somewhat. I'm sure they love Canada as much as Mr. Martin, but Paul Martin puts passion into his statements, in the same way that Gilles Duceppe(sp) talks about Quebec. I believe he is a man who truly loves his country and I think he has what it takes to lead this country into this new century. Thus I will probably be voting Liberal, but my mind is open to the NDP as well until the last moment.
And that is politics. I hope you've learned something and I hope you'll all vote on the 23rd of January.
*hugs*
laterz
- Dep
THE 'FANTASTIC' FOUR.
AKA - The major political parties of Canada.
Now the first question is... why. Why look at the parties? Sure, you can say they're all corrupt. But I think corruption has always been a part of politics and no political party can say they're not corrupt. The Liberals (not under Paul Martin note, but under Jean Chretian) had Adscam. There were a lot of suggestions that Brian Mulrouny did similar things under the Conservative party leadership awhile ago. Those are the two major parties in Canada and they both have examples of corruption in their history. Furthermore, no political party can deliver on all of its promises. The BQ hasn't delivered seperation. The NDP has stood with the Liberals on a lot of issues and then claim the Liberals were slowing things down. Corruption and lies are a part of politics because we the public demand the lies. I'll get to that in a moment, right now I want to outline the major parties platforms. Again why? Because its important to vote in our society. We are a democracy and if we're not voting, we're not helping the democracy to function. But a lot of you are too lazy perhaps to do the research and find out which party is better for you. This is a simple, short guide that deals with the major issues (I just watched both debates - english and french) facing Canada today.
Bloc Quebecois - Gilles Duceppe(sp?)
(Socialist Seperatists)
- Believes Canada and Quebec should be two seperate countries.
- Is for gay marriage and gay rights
- Is for social programs such as healthcare, daycare, education, etc and puts heavy focus on putting money into these progrrams.
- Is for taking a moderately hardline with the United States (ie redrafting NAFTA)
- Is for a cut in taxes (whether GST or personal income, I can't remember)
The New Democratic Party (NDP) - Jack Layton
(Socialist Federalists)
- Believes in the unity of Canada
- Is for gay marriage/rights
- Is for social programs and puts heavy focus on putting money into these programs.
- Is against cutting corporate taxes
- Is for a cut in taxes (both the GST and personal income)
- Moderate stance against the US, open to the possibility of redrafting NAFTA
The Liberal Party of Canada - Paul Martin
(Moderate Federalists)
- Believes in the unity of Canada, is very passionate about it.
- Is for gay marriages/rights
- Is for social programs, with a moderate-heavy focus on putting money into these programs.
- Is for cutting corporate taxes
- Is for a cut in taxes (personal income primarily, though the GST was mentioned as well)
- Takes a very strong stance against the US and wants to redraft NAFTA
The Conservative Party of Canada - Stephen Harper
(Conservative Federalists)
- Believes in the unity of Canada, though would be willing to let Quebec seperate if the process was fair.
- Is for gay rights but against gay marriage (note this is a recent change in their position which was originally against both)
- Is for cutting taxes in general (GST heavily mentioned)
- Is for social programs, with a light-moderate focus on putting money into these programs.
- Takes a softer stance against the US and doesn't want to change NAFTA.
- Increased military spending and increased participation in the war in Iraq as well as increased cooperation with the US.
That is, in a nutshell, the four main political parties of Canada (note that since I am Quebecois, I've included the Bloc). So who should you vote for? I leave that completly up to you. What follows is my own opinion.
CANADA FOR ME
Canada, for me, is about a number of things.
(1) It's about acceptance. As a bisexual man living in this country, I am very thankful we don't have some of the issues that there are in the states. While we may not be perfect yet, we are at least progessing towards it.
(2) It's about unity. I live in Quebec and I'm actually proud of living here - we have some awesome things (not the least of which is cheap education). But I also love being a part of Canada and I just don't think things would be same if Quebec was not. It's true Quebec and Canada have fundamental differences but perhaps they should try to find compromises instead of just splitting up.
(3) It's about socialism. Yeah, alright, paying taxes is a bitch and some of that is squandered. But a large amount of it goes into helping people. If education was privatized, I don't think I would be able to afford it (look at the States where it's hard to go to college - I get it for free in Quebec and the rest of Canada is still far cheaper). Look at healthcare and the rest - you may not need it now, but IT IS THERE when you need it. Sure the system doesn't work and needs to be cleaned up - but the concept is still good. I would not have the education I have today if it wasn't for social programs and therefore, since I benefited from it, why shouldn't others?
(4) It's about patriotism. We are, contrary to popular belief, not the United States doorstep. We are not their lapdog, nor are we the 51st state. We are a seperate country with different ideas on things. And I congradulate Paul Martin on his responses to the United States on the issue of softwood and the other various issues. I think we haven't taken all the steps we need to take, but we are moving in the right direction.
Therefore, for all these reasons, I come down to the Liberals or the NDP. I don't know which way I'm going to vote but I like Paul Martin's passion. He's a very passionate man and you can tell he really gets into the issues and into politics. The other leaders seem reserved somewhat. I'm sure they love Canada as much as Mr. Martin, but Paul Martin puts passion into his statements, in the same way that Gilles Duceppe(sp) talks about Quebec. I believe he is a man who truly loves his country and I think he has what it takes to lead this country into this new century. Thus I will probably be voting Liberal, but my mind is open to the NDP as well until the last moment.
And that is politics. I hope you've learned something and I hope you'll all vote on the 23rd of January.
*hugs*
laterz
- Dep
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Crazy? Maybe
Alright - the official debate on whether or not I have a mental disorder of some kind/degree or another opens officially :S. My parents today, after I expressed a brief concern about my new job and me being anxious over doing technical support in French, decided to sit down with me and have a nice long chat *sarcasm* about my issues. Which they have, before now, kept their nose out of - being more concerned with my brother. I, being really exhausted, have just realized that I told them all - and my parents recommendation, to me, was that I go see a 'specialist' to help me with my issues.
This is over the fact that I have difficulty talking to people I don't know really well about the simplest of things and I have difficulty talking to even people I know about some of the deepest of things. I mean like directly talking to - I have no issues writing about them, possibly why I love the Internet so much. I mean - the only times I have ever experienced real, true panic attacks are before french oral exams and when I need to have a serious talk about a relationship with someone. Other than that, I feel a bit of anxiety and discomfort during public speaking and such, but probably no more than most people.
The whole topic came up when I told them I was having second thoughts about taking this job I was offered. Why? Last night, I had a combination panic attack/3 hours sleepless night - I kept focusing on my french oral of today and my job that I should be starting next week. I know I'm going to freak out. I know I'm probably going to drag myself in to the office and that it's going to be stressful. I told my mom this and of course we got into the why. So I told her the why (which is something she didn't know about) and then the long conversation got started.
So... do I have issues? No one is going to deny that I don't. But I believe I've improved over the last few years and perhaps improvement is enough. I certainly don't think I need meds... even therapy is stretching it (plus my natural hatred of psychologists). I don't really like having panic attacks but I've gotten used to them sortof.
Bleh. Leave your opinions.
The exams all went well - I passed the oral, did well on Knowledge and aced Operating Systems. PTY went good - I was coordinator for the evening and people ditched on my part. I was a bit hurt but it's all good. I'll hunt them down next week.
Lots of things to learn and such. I'm really tired. Like exhausted to the point that I TOLD MY PARENTS ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH ME! WTF AM I THINKING
I need sleep.
*hugs*
- Dep -
This is over the fact that I have difficulty talking to people I don't know really well about the simplest of things and I have difficulty talking to even people I know about some of the deepest of things. I mean like directly talking to - I have no issues writing about them, possibly why I love the Internet so much. I mean - the only times I have ever experienced real, true panic attacks are before french oral exams and when I need to have a serious talk about a relationship with someone. Other than that, I feel a bit of anxiety and discomfort during public speaking and such, but probably no more than most people.
The whole topic came up when I told them I was having second thoughts about taking this job I was offered. Why? Last night, I had a combination panic attack/3 hours sleepless night - I kept focusing on my french oral of today and my job that I should be starting next week. I know I'm going to freak out. I know I'm probably going to drag myself in to the office and that it's going to be stressful. I told my mom this and of course we got into the why. So I told her the why (which is something she didn't know about) and then the long conversation got started.
So... do I have issues? No one is going to deny that I don't. But I believe I've improved over the last few years and perhaps improvement is enough. I certainly don't think I need meds... even therapy is stretching it (plus my natural hatred of psychologists). I don't really like having panic attacks but I've gotten used to them sortof.
Bleh. Leave your opinions.
The exams all went well - I passed the oral, did well on Knowledge and aced Operating Systems. PTY went good - I was coordinator for the evening and people ditched on my part. I was a bit hurt but it's all good. I'll hunt them down next week.
Lots of things to learn and such. I'm really tired. Like exhausted to the point that I TOLD MY PARENTS ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH ME! WTF AM I THINKING
I need sleep.
*hugs*
- Dep -
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
COLOURS!
Yes, there are indeed colours. I spent the last hour redoing the layout (with mild changes) and colour scheme (bit more changes) of this - why? Because I was getting eye strain trying to read. Hopefully you all find the new scheme a bit easier on your eyes. When I have a lot more time on my hands (and not just an hour to kill), then I shall rebuild the entire page and make it look pretty.
And I forgot one thing - I will possibly be visiting the city of Sudbury during the Christmas break, probably on or around New Years - Nicky's already planned to take me to a gay bar and I'm insisting she take me to a straight bar as well (I am turning 19 after all - gotta celebrate).
I'm out for now - I require sleep before the exam.
Laterz
*hugs*
- Dep
And I forgot one thing - I will possibly be visiting the city of Sudbury during the Christmas break, probably on or around New Years - Nicky's already planned to take me to a gay bar and I'm insisting she take me to a straight bar as well (I am turning 19 after all - gotta celebrate).
I'm out for now - I require sleep before the exam.
Laterz
*hugs*
- Dep
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Finals Approach
Alright - I am in a pissed mood. Mildly, for mild reasons. I finally got to the end of Legend of Dragoon - last boss of the game, down below 50% health. The fate of the world hangs in balance... and hangs... and hangs. It was then that I realized that the PS2 locked up. So the world will be saved tomorrow.
In other good news...
My finals start tomorrow with the busiest day - three finals! The operating systems exam, Knowledge and my french oral. After that I have one exam on each of Friday, Saturday, Monday and Tuesday before I'm finally finished. But I don't care about most of them - the only ones that truly matter are the two french exams (tomorrow and friday) and the knowledge exam. Why? Because I am guarenteed at least a 60 in every other course - the exam is just to vastly improve my mark (and I know what I'm doing so top marks are almost guarenteed... unless I don't show up for the exam or suddenly forget all knowledge of computers). Knowledge I need 7.2/30 (24%) to pass the semester - which I am guarenteed pretty much - logic isn't that tough. Its really only French I'm worried about. I hate French with firey passions. I hate oral exams with firey passions. Thus I hate French orals with firey passions squared.
Exam schedule is something like this
WEDNESDAY
11:30-13:00 Knowledge
13:00-13:10 French Oral
14:30-16:30 Operating Systems
FRIDAY
8:30-10:30 French Written/Reading
SATURDAY
11:30-13:30 Programming
MONDAY
8:30-10:30 Math
TUESDAY
14:30-16:30 Web Programming
alright, on to other news...
I start work next Wednesday (The 21st). Woohoo. I get a job where I must speak french... over the phone... to help n00bs... who can't make their damn computers work. God... why did I take this job. I know I'm going to hate it and plot to kill the people who call in terribly ironic manners, possibly involving their ethernet cards.
I turn 19 this Friday (the 16th). Woohoo. I get to drink in Ontario legally. :P I expect you to take me to a bar again Freya :P.
And I realize that that last post must have been... a bit confusing for some. Therefore I will enlighten you. Eve is somebody I met recently (through Freya) and she is a very interesting person.
Anyways... I've a ton of laundry to do and then it's most likely off to bed with me so I can be up at 7 to get into school for 9 to spend 2.5 hours studying for my first two exams tomorrow (and maybe a bit for the other one).
*hugs to y'all*
Laterz
- Dep
In other good news...
My finals start tomorrow with the busiest day - three finals! The operating systems exam, Knowledge and my french oral. After that I have one exam on each of Friday, Saturday, Monday and Tuesday before I'm finally finished. But I don't care about most of them - the only ones that truly matter are the two french exams (tomorrow and friday) and the knowledge exam. Why? Because I am guarenteed at least a 60 in every other course - the exam is just to vastly improve my mark (and I know what I'm doing so top marks are almost guarenteed... unless I don't show up for the exam or suddenly forget all knowledge of computers). Knowledge I need 7.2/30 (24%) to pass the semester - which I am guarenteed pretty much - logic isn't that tough. Its really only French I'm worried about. I hate French with firey passions. I hate oral exams with firey passions. Thus I hate French orals with firey passions squared.
Exam schedule is something like this
WEDNESDAY
11:30-13:00 Knowledge
13:00-13:10 French Oral
14:30-16:30 Operating Systems
FRIDAY
8:30-10:30 French Written/Reading
SATURDAY
11:30-13:30 Programming
MONDAY
8:30-10:30 Math
TUESDAY
14:30-16:30 Web Programming
alright, on to other news...
I start work next Wednesday (The 21st). Woohoo. I get a job where I must speak french... over the phone... to help n00bs... who can't make their damn computers work. God... why did I take this job. I know I'm going to hate it and plot to kill the people who call in terribly ironic manners, possibly involving their ethernet cards.
I turn 19 this Friday (the 16th). Woohoo. I get to drink in Ontario legally. :P I expect you to take me to a bar again Freya :P.
And I realize that that last post must have been... a bit confusing for some. Therefore I will enlighten you. Eve is somebody I met recently (through Freya) and she is a very interesting person.
Anyways... I've a ton of laundry to do and then it's most likely off to bed with me so I can be up at 7 to get into school for 9 to spend 2.5 hours studying for my first two exams tomorrow (and maybe a bit for the other one).
*hugs to y'all*
Laterz
- Dep
Mostly for Eve
This entry is mostly for Eve, though I suppose for others it would be useful as well.
It's been said that getting to know me is difficult. I tend not to talk a lot and, when I do, I'm generally very uncomfortable around people I don't know well. Freya, I'm sure you remember this when I first met Mira - how reticient I seemed around her when I was so open with you.
It takes awhile... think of Mira - even though I saw her regularly for a month, it took the first couple of weeks before I got over my uncomfortableness (Mira called it shyness which is not exact but close enough to the truth - even I can't fully explain it well enough to tell the difference) with her. Freya... lord, that was so long ago that I met you - I can't remember how long it took. Long enough.
I suppose my general point is that it takes awhile for me to let people inside and up until I do, I have heard it said that I come across as either arrogant or a person with no personality. (Whether or not I'm arrogant is another matter) but I certainly have a personality. Just give it time and it will come across once I've gotten comfortable with you.
:P And if you're really that curious about me, read the archives. Gotta love my archives - they tell the entire tale of the past few years of my life which are the most important. Between that and my poetry, you can put together a pretty accurate picture of myself.
Yeah - I'm just a tad worried that Eve will think badly of me for my awkwardness. Probably I'm being crazy as usual, but here's my post anyways.
Anyways - I require sleep. Majorly.
*hugs to all*
- Dep
It's been said that getting to know me is difficult. I tend not to talk a lot and, when I do, I'm generally very uncomfortable around people I don't know well. Freya, I'm sure you remember this when I first met Mira - how reticient I seemed around her when I was so open with you.
It takes awhile... think of Mira - even though I saw her regularly for a month, it took the first couple of weeks before I got over my uncomfortableness (Mira called it shyness which is not exact but close enough to the truth - even I can't fully explain it well enough to tell the difference) with her. Freya... lord, that was so long ago that I met you - I can't remember how long it took. Long enough.
I suppose my general point is that it takes awhile for me to let people inside and up until I do, I have heard it said that I come across as either arrogant or a person with no personality. (Whether or not I'm arrogant is another matter) but I certainly have a personality. Just give it time and it will come across once I've gotten comfortable with you.
:P And if you're really that curious about me, read the archives. Gotta love my archives - they tell the entire tale of the past few years of my life which are the most important. Between that and my poetry, you can put together a pretty accurate picture of myself.
Yeah - I'm just a tad worried that Eve will think badly of me for my awkwardness. Probably I'm being crazy as usual, but here's my post anyways.
Anyways - I require sleep. Majorly.
*hugs to all*
- Dep
Saturday, December 10, 2005
... CURSE YOU AGAIN FREYA....
I spent the last... four hours... watching various cartoons involving foamy the squirrel. The addiction has commenced. I have only ended this evenings viewings because if I watch any more, I will fall into a depths of insanity never displayed by me ever. And probably wind up killing somebody. With bread.
Yes, they are that awesome.
Not much has been going on as of late. The work for my website just keeps piling up - I believe a to do list is in order.
As for my own personal website... if anyone is actually interested in going to such a site... well, it's on the back burner. Only so many hours in a day I suppose.
Anyways, I'm out for now.
later
*hugs*
- Dep
Yes, they are that awesome.
Not much has been going on as of late. The work for my website just keeps piling up - I believe a to do list is in order.
As for my own personal website... if anyone is actually interested in going to such a site... well, it's on the back burner. Only so many hours in a day I suppose.
Anyways, I'm out for now.
later
*hugs*
- Dep
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
- Feels Like Home (Chantal Kreviazuk)
Sorry, I'm watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and I think I'm about to cry.
Yeah - I got a lot to say but I have no clue how to say it. I'll post again tomorrow - later - like tomorrow.
Laterz
*hugs*
- Rob
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
- Feels Like Home (Chantal Kreviazuk)
Sorry, I'm watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and I think I'm about to cry.
Yeah - I got a lot to say but I have no clue how to say it. I'll post again tomorrow - later - like tomorrow.
Laterz
*hugs*
- Rob
Friday, December 02, 2005
Project E-Notes and other things
So, a lot of my time recently has been going into Project E-Notes, which is a project conceived by Jake (a friend of mine) and has undergone a lot of additions and modifications due to the contributions of a lot of people, one of whom has been myself. The beta version of our phase I website is up and running at http://www.heritageunderground.com.
for those of you who know me in RL, my b-day party is tomorrow - if I didn't send you an invite and you want to come, drop me a line on my MSN and I'll get you one hopefully).
Long list of crap to do and right now I really don't feel like getting into all of that.
I still feel as though there is something missing in my life and I think I know what that is. I just don't know what the heck I can do about it. As much as I tell myself to be patient, it is rather hard somedays not to have somebody to care about and talk with everyday. It was usually a good source of stress release to have somebody to come home and talk to, or see everyday at school. Suppose thats a price I'm paying, but hey. Something will come up, right?
Well, I'll shaddup now and go to bed, or perhaps play some game.
*hugs to y'all*
- Rob
for those of you who know me in RL, my b-day party is tomorrow - if I didn't send you an invite and you want to come, drop me a line on my MSN and I'll get you one hopefully).
Long list of crap to do and right now I really don't feel like getting into all of that.
I still feel as though there is something missing in my life and I think I know what that is. I just don't know what the heck I can do about it. As much as I tell myself to be patient, it is rather hard somedays not to have somebody to care about and talk with everyday. It was usually a good source of stress release to have somebody to come home and talk to, or see everyday at school. Suppose thats a price I'm paying, but hey. Something will come up, right?
Well, I'll shaddup now and go to bed, or perhaps play some game.
*hugs to y'all*
- Rob
