Thursday, December 22, 2005
Perspective Shifts
It is an interesting mood/perspective. One of reflection and an easy addiction to music where music can bring out the reflection.
I don't know if I can explain myself to people. When I think about it, in my head, it all makes sense. But as soon as I even start to type it here or anywhere... it just starts sounding stupid. Perhaps my personality is inherently a... contradictory one. The insane position of wanting so much but so afraid to and the continuing pushing of people away because of that fear - the fear of involvement, of rejection, of the crushing pain that somehow I keep walking into.
Can people really understand what this is like - to have this duality of wanting and wanting and wanting... and then whenever you get close you either blow it all through a stupid decision, back out because the fear is just too much or find out they were fucking with your head (yes this has happened - I forgave them for it but it took a lot).
Somedays, it is just so exhausting and frustrating that I want to give up. I want to say to hell with it all and just bury myself in something else. All it takes is one dream about someone, one resurfacing memory of my time with Sarah or one view of another couple and it all comes back.
Seeing other couples... can drive me nuts. It really depends on the mood I'm in. Occasionally, it doesn't bother me because I'm focused on something else interally or I just haven't throught about relationships in the past couple of hours. But sometimes, especially when I'm in a bit of a reflective mood such as today, I can't stand it. I'm envious. I'm flooded with memories of a time when I was happy - and the nostalgia is overwhelming. I want those days back so badly... not for the sex or anything like that... but to have one person to hold, one person to whom I could tell anything, one person to spend huge amounts of time with and not annoy the fuck out of them, one person... one person to be with. And then it hits me that I can't and probably won't have that for a while as it takes a while to build a relationship and I haven't even started one. And then the pain and regret all come flooding back.
I have had three girlfriends whom I considered as being serious (despite what others may say about them) - these being Vicki, Courtney and Sarah. Out of all of these, the only one with whom I really really got involved with was Sarah. I didn't with the other two because... well Vicki and I have huge differences and despite the feelings I had (and still have) for her, it just wasn't going to go anywhere. She has her own battles to fight before we could fight one together. And Courtney lived a thousand miles away and had no time to see me, so it was kindof impossible to build a relationship on that. That was kind of sad as we tried it for a year and it just... it all fell apart. But Sarah... Sarah lived about an hour and a half by city bus away from my house, so it was never a terribly long trip to see her. We went to the same school and had similarly permissive parents so we got to spend vast amounts of time together. We had a large number of happy moments to enjoy. We had our fights, yes - but we worked through them in a way Courtney and I couldn't (and Vicki never even talked about her problems) and they, for the most part got solved. We had one we couldn't, but that was my fault for being an idiot and making a horrible choice. But it is always these memories of Sarah that come flooding back - just holding her on the bus. Sitting together in the tv room last year - going to Concordia together, being at my place or her place. Truly awesome memories that shouldn't be sad memories yet they are.
When it ended, last april, I went into a terrible funk that I don't think I've ever recovered from. For a month, I was in denial, with the back and forth mood swings of "maybe we can salvage this" versus "its over". And then it hit me that it really was over.
I cannot remember ever being that depressed. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Sarah and I fell apart because I dealt with it by lashing out.
Shockingly enough, I felt more comfortable with Sarah than with anyone else. Sarah and I had, I suppose, the time to get to know each other and become comfortable with each other in each others person. Complete comfort... is something I doubt I can have with people. When it comes to hurting people, I still had a hard time. Telling her harsh things, things I knew would make her be sad and depressed were things I avoided telling her however I could. Not always the wisest of decisions.
But instead of burying all the feelings I felt, like I did with Courtney, I let them out through email - to the point we stopped talking and only started again recently.
After that, it was just neutral. Going to Timmins for a month was one of the hardest months of my life - I buried myself in the work Chris and I did with Xirian and in a crush on Lisa.
------------------------------
... that went on long. too long. forgive the rant - there is a lot in my brain and I wanted to get as much out before I lay down to sleep as I know its just going to continue to haunt me until I finally sleep.
More tomorrow if the mood continues - I suspect some people actually like it when I rant... (if you do, leave a message and I'll definately post next time instead of writing it out on paper).
And a final thanks to anyone who's ever listened to a rant or been there for me in a time of trouble, notably: Jaz, Freya, Andi, Sarah, Dragon, Raven, Lisa/Mira and Eve.
TRIP UPDATE: I have a meeting on Tuesday the 3rd, so I will be returning on Monday sometime. Plans are on for the original leaving date, which means I'll be seeing you (With presents for some - surprises for some people and not for others) guys bright and early Tuesday morning.
UNDERGROUND UPDATE: Design on the database begins tomorrow. Final plans for the new site will be done sometime once I return from Sudbury.
PTS WEBSITE UPDATE: My design has been submitted to the PTS Board for review, with further refinements/comments expected when I return from Sudbury.
STATCAN UPDATE: Exhausting day of testing, making my email work and creating a macro for Excel. Next day of work is the 3rd where I may finally be entered into the payroll system.
CHRISTMAS UPDATE: Sunday is the dinner here with my mothers parents. Monday afternoon is dinner in Cornwall with my fathers parents before I hop on the bus.
*hugs to y'all*
g'night and happy holidays
- Dep (Robert)
I don't know if I can explain myself to people. When I think about it, in my head, it all makes sense. But as soon as I even start to type it here or anywhere... it just starts sounding stupid. Perhaps my personality is inherently a... contradictory one. The insane position of wanting so much but so afraid to and the continuing pushing of people away because of that fear - the fear of involvement, of rejection, of the crushing pain that somehow I keep walking into.
Can people really understand what this is like - to have this duality of wanting and wanting and wanting... and then whenever you get close you either blow it all through a stupid decision, back out because the fear is just too much or find out they were fucking with your head (yes this has happened - I forgave them for it but it took a lot).
Somedays, it is just so exhausting and frustrating that I want to give up. I want to say to hell with it all and just bury myself in something else. All it takes is one dream about someone, one resurfacing memory of my time with Sarah or one view of another couple and it all comes back.
Seeing other couples... can drive me nuts. It really depends on the mood I'm in. Occasionally, it doesn't bother me because I'm focused on something else interally or I just haven't throught about relationships in the past couple of hours. But sometimes, especially when I'm in a bit of a reflective mood such as today, I can't stand it. I'm envious. I'm flooded with memories of a time when I was happy - and the nostalgia is overwhelming. I want those days back so badly... not for the sex or anything like that... but to have one person to hold, one person to whom I could tell anything, one person to spend huge amounts of time with and not annoy the fuck out of them, one person... one person to be with. And then it hits me that I can't and probably won't have that for a while as it takes a while to build a relationship and I haven't even started one. And then the pain and regret all come flooding back.
I have had three girlfriends whom I considered as being serious (despite what others may say about them) - these being Vicki, Courtney and Sarah. Out of all of these, the only one with whom I really really got involved with was Sarah. I didn't with the other two because... well Vicki and I have huge differences and despite the feelings I had (and still have) for her, it just wasn't going to go anywhere. She has her own battles to fight before we could fight one together. And Courtney lived a thousand miles away and had no time to see me, so it was kindof impossible to build a relationship on that. That was kind of sad as we tried it for a year and it just... it all fell apart. But Sarah... Sarah lived about an hour and a half by city bus away from my house, so it was never a terribly long trip to see her. We went to the same school and had similarly permissive parents so we got to spend vast amounts of time together. We had a large number of happy moments to enjoy. We had our fights, yes - but we worked through them in a way Courtney and I couldn't (and Vicki never even talked about her problems) and they, for the most part got solved. We had one we couldn't, but that was my fault for being an idiot and making a horrible choice. But it is always these memories of Sarah that come flooding back - just holding her on the bus. Sitting together in the tv room last year - going to Concordia together, being at my place or her place. Truly awesome memories that shouldn't be sad memories yet they are.
When it ended, last april, I went into a terrible funk that I don't think I've ever recovered from. For a month, I was in denial, with the back and forth mood swings of "maybe we can salvage this" versus "its over". And then it hit me that it really was over.
I cannot remember ever being that depressed. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Sarah and I fell apart because I dealt with it by lashing out.
Shockingly enough, I felt more comfortable with Sarah than with anyone else. Sarah and I had, I suppose, the time to get to know each other and become comfortable with each other in each others person. Complete comfort... is something I doubt I can have with people. When it comes to hurting people, I still had a hard time. Telling her harsh things, things I knew would make her be sad and depressed were things I avoided telling her however I could. Not always the wisest of decisions.
But instead of burying all the feelings I felt, like I did with Courtney, I let them out through email - to the point we stopped talking and only started again recently.
After that, it was just neutral. Going to Timmins for a month was one of the hardest months of my life - I buried myself in the work Chris and I did with Xirian and in a crush on Lisa.
------------------------------
... that went on long. too long. forgive the rant - there is a lot in my brain and I wanted to get as much out before I lay down to sleep as I know its just going to continue to haunt me until I finally sleep.
More tomorrow if the mood continues - I suspect some people actually like it when I rant... (if you do, leave a message and I'll definately post next time instead of writing it out on paper).
And a final thanks to anyone who's ever listened to a rant or been there for me in a time of trouble, notably: Jaz, Freya, Andi, Sarah, Dragon, Raven, Lisa/Mira and Eve.
TRIP UPDATE: I have a meeting on Tuesday the 3rd, so I will be returning on Monday sometime. Plans are on for the original leaving date, which means I'll be seeing you (With presents for some - surprises for some people and not for others) guys bright and early Tuesday morning.
UNDERGROUND UPDATE: Design on the database begins tomorrow. Final plans for the new site will be done sometime once I return from Sudbury.
PTS WEBSITE UPDATE: My design has been submitted to the PTS Board for review, with further refinements/comments expected when I return from Sudbury.
STATCAN UPDATE: Exhausting day of testing, making my email work and creating a macro for Excel. Next day of work is the 3rd where I may finally be entered into the payroll system.
CHRISTMAS UPDATE: Sunday is the dinner here with my mothers parents. Monday afternoon is dinner in Cornwall with my fathers parents before I hop on the bus.
*hugs to y'all*
g'night and happy holidays
- Dep (Robert)
// posted by Dep @ 11:03:00 p.m.
Comments:
Wow... I know of a similar feeling... and it always chews at me unless I'm totally focused on something else.
Although, I don't have good memories to haunt me... only fleeting feelings and dreams. Which is worse?
*pokes your nose* Jah... I like the rants. *nod nod*
Although, I don't have good memories to haunt me... only fleeting feelings and dreams. Which is worse?
*pokes your nose* Jah... I like the rants. *nod nod*
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