Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Random Stuff
Blogging is a wonderful tool. So is the Internet. If you compare today's society with the society of the mid 50s - well, we have lost some things (at least in my own mind) but we're in an era where access to information isn't just limited to your local library - it's in your home and the resources at your fingertips are amazing. With projects like Wikipedia and help sites for just about every aspect of human knowledge, you can sit at home and learn everything. And you can meet people from near or far - talk with your friends all at once instead of one at a time over the phone, share documents and music, even play games.
I have one solid long-term goal in life and that is to know. I fear death for death is the unknown and carries with it the chance of losing all that I have gained in terms of knowledge - perhaps to start over, perhaps never to think again. A lot of people wish for immortality yet a lot of people don't realize just how long forever is. Yet I wish for it still, if only so that I could gather all the knowledge of all things to me. But there isn't time in life for such things. Knowledge is still my drug of choice and I am rarely happier than when I am learning something new. When the world is gone and there is no more knowledge, perhaps I would be ready then to die. But as long as there is one more subject to be studied, one more place to visit, one more story to hear, I do not believe I will be ready for death.
Knowledge is my drug, it is my sanity in a bottle. There are so many absurd/paradoxical things in the world that I sometimes lose my faith. Sometimes the fears and pains of the past are so strong in my memory that all I can do is bury myself in something. Sometimes I just don't want to face the world, I want to turn inward. And in those moments or days or years even, it has always been to knowledge that I have turned.
Music is the same way, though with a lesser effect. In both, I am capable of utterly losing myself and forgetting about everything else in the world. I am addicted, in a sense, to both - music draws my attention away from almost anything and random spurts of singing are hard to avoid. They give me a focus that I sometimes lack.
This is my path and my person. I tend to be a bit of a dualistic (perhaps trilistic might be a better word) person, in that I'm often conflicted between the 'safe' part of me which wants to shut out the world and the other part of me which wants to be immersed in it, a part of it. I believe there is a writing somewhere in one of my journals (possibly the first entry of my deviantART journal) that goes through this in a bit more detail. But I make it through the rough days and there are better days as well that are worth looking forward to.
The philosophical question, how do we live so that we can live a good life, is a question that, for me, has an infinite number of answers. For there is no one way to live life correctly. Every person must live life according to the principles they believe in, the inner feelings that guide them and the goals that drive them. But a part of that should always be a recognition that what you believe is right MAY NOT BE the correct path for other people and therefore you should not attempt to correct what you might see as 'flawed' behaviour. No one's going to force you to love them for whom they are or even be around them. But at least respect them enough to allow them to live their own lives. Not to say you shouldn't help people. People who ask for help should be helped and your opinions are always welcome. But if a person likes whom they are then quite simply, don't try and change them.
This has support in that, in my experience, trying to change people into somebody they're not and don't want to be ALWAYS fails. Look at Dragon and his girlfriend. She keeps trying to change him and it just pisses him off and they fight, so she tones it down, they stay together, and then she starts again. Clearly, he isn't going to change. As much as we, perhaps, disagree with the path he is taking, it is the one he believes in.
I gave up changing people once I realized this. Instead, I try to understand people. I may build models of their personality in their head, but that model is flexible. It is added to and subtracted from as new things come in - and maybe at the end of the day, I still don't understand them - I've never understood Vicki. But I still love her as one of my greatest friends (the more than that, we won't get into). Truly knowing a person can take a life time. I don't have full understanding of any of the complex people I know.
Am I a complex person?
The simple answer to that is yes. The longer complex answer... well you'd have to ask somebody else, because I don't know. I suspect there is something incredibly simple at the root of all my complexities - that once understanding of that has been achieved, everything else makes sense. Because to me, my life does make sense. It makes sense that I don't communicate well, except through the Internet. It makes sense that I'm a freak. It makes sense that my relationships remind some of soap operas and tend to have a bit of melodrama and up/down.
Heh - I suppose I can't blame most people for not wanting a relationship with me. The complexities combined with social awkwardness, some fear, lack of trust and such makes me an incredibly difficult person to get inside of, much less to love. And once inside... only one person has truly gotten inside and actually tried to build a relationship with me and she went away because she couldn't handle my personality.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that was an interesting rant wasn't it? I have to leave in an hour for my exam and I need to shower/eat first. Thank you Eve for the conversation/journal entries that were the inspiration of part of this.
*hugs*
Wish me luck.
- Dep
I have one solid long-term goal in life and that is to know. I fear death for death is the unknown and carries with it the chance of losing all that I have gained in terms of knowledge - perhaps to start over, perhaps never to think again. A lot of people wish for immortality yet a lot of people don't realize just how long forever is. Yet I wish for it still, if only so that I could gather all the knowledge of all things to me. But there isn't time in life for such things. Knowledge is still my drug of choice and I am rarely happier than when I am learning something new. When the world is gone and there is no more knowledge, perhaps I would be ready then to die. But as long as there is one more subject to be studied, one more place to visit, one more story to hear, I do not believe I will be ready for death.
Knowledge is my drug, it is my sanity in a bottle. There are so many absurd/paradoxical things in the world that I sometimes lose my faith. Sometimes the fears and pains of the past are so strong in my memory that all I can do is bury myself in something. Sometimes I just don't want to face the world, I want to turn inward. And in those moments or days or years even, it has always been to knowledge that I have turned.
Music is the same way, though with a lesser effect. In both, I am capable of utterly losing myself and forgetting about everything else in the world. I am addicted, in a sense, to both - music draws my attention away from almost anything and random spurts of singing are hard to avoid. They give me a focus that I sometimes lack.
This is my path and my person. I tend to be a bit of a dualistic (perhaps trilistic might be a better word) person, in that I'm often conflicted between the 'safe' part of me which wants to shut out the world and the other part of me which wants to be immersed in it, a part of it. I believe there is a writing somewhere in one of my journals (possibly the first entry of my deviantART journal) that goes through this in a bit more detail. But I make it through the rough days and there are better days as well that are worth looking forward to.
The philosophical question, how do we live so that we can live a good life, is a question that, for me, has an infinite number of answers. For there is no one way to live life correctly. Every person must live life according to the principles they believe in, the inner feelings that guide them and the goals that drive them. But a part of that should always be a recognition that what you believe is right MAY NOT BE the correct path for other people and therefore you should not attempt to correct what you might see as 'flawed' behaviour. No one's going to force you to love them for whom they are or even be around them. But at least respect them enough to allow them to live their own lives. Not to say you shouldn't help people. People who ask for help should be helped and your opinions are always welcome. But if a person likes whom they are then quite simply, don't try and change them.
This has support in that, in my experience, trying to change people into somebody they're not and don't want to be ALWAYS fails. Look at Dragon and his girlfriend. She keeps trying to change him and it just pisses him off and they fight, so she tones it down, they stay together, and then she starts again. Clearly, he isn't going to change. As much as we, perhaps, disagree with the path he is taking, it is the one he believes in.
I gave up changing people once I realized this. Instead, I try to understand people. I may build models of their personality in their head, but that model is flexible. It is added to and subtracted from as new things come in - and maybe at the end of the day, I still don't understand them - I've never understood Vicki. But I still love her as one of my greatest friends (the more than that, we won't get into). Truly knowing a person can take a life time. I don't have full understanding of any of the complex people I know.
Am I a complex person?
The simple answer to that is yes. The longer complex answer... well you'd have to ask somebody else, because I don't know. I suspect there is something incredibly simple at the root of all my complexities - that once understanding of that has been achieved, everything else makes sense. Because to me, my life does make sense. It makes sense that I don't communicate well, except through the Internet. It makes sense that I'm a freak. It makes sense that my relationships remind some of soap operas and tend to have a bit of melodrama and up/down.
Heh - I suppose I can't blame most people for not wanting a relationship with me. The complexities combined with social awkwardness, some fear, lack of trust and such makes me an incredibly difficult person to get inside of, much less to love. And once inside... only one person has truly gotten inside and actually tried to build a relationship with me and she went away because she couldn't handle my personality.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that was an interesting rant wasn't it? I have to leave in an hour for my exam and I need to shower/eat first. Thank you Eve for the conversation/journal entries that were the inspiration of part of this.
*hugs*
Wish me luck.
- Dep
// posted by Dep @ 11:27:00 a.m.
Comments:
*purrs* Always a pleasure to inspire and certainly more of pleasure to read what your mindflesh concocts.
<< Home
