Saturday, December 24, 2005
Minor Obsessive-Compulsive
An old habit of mine that Sarah once remarked on (mostly because she does it too) is that when I'm nervous/anxious or a similar feeling, I tend to make lists of things, be they Excel spreadsheets, Notepad lists of things to do or lists in one of my journals. Not only in those situations (though those are the indentifiable ones) but in others as well. And the other, related thing I do is my MSN countdowns to various events I'm looking forward to. This is just for those of you who don't understand it.
*blinks* my head is continually filled with thoughts as of late - I feel as though I'm changing, taking back some old habits from an older me that I like and missed (one of which is serious, more indepth journal entries such as the past two and this one) while still avoiding the negative habits that brought me down last time. And one of the more controversial habits (whether its a good or bad habit depends on your perspective) is more indepth reflections of myself. As much as I like doing this, because I feel it lets me better know myself and explain myself to others when they require explanations, it can also lead to... overthinking. We shall try to avoid that.
It's all so... indescribable. And what I feel like doing is sitting down with somebody who understands and just try to get it all out. I don't think I can do it here - the Internet is too impersonal and there would be some fairly hurtful things to be said about some people whom read this journal. Beyond those reasons, which haven't stopped me in the past I know, it's just too long. There is too much. My mind is full of it all as the past that I have shut out for the past eight months comes flooding back and I begin to deal with it all.
... Has it been eight months? Eight months since it all ended... eight months since I massively screwed up... eight months that I've been hitting myself for being a moron...
It doesn't seem as long... and it seems longer at the same time. My bad memory puts things in the past more quickly than others I suppose but it also increases the gaps between memory. But it still doesn't seem like that long ago that I was happy.
A comment to my last journal entry got me thinking - would I be better or worse off without that experience? Which is more painful - to have never experienced those kinds of feelings and so have no terrible memories to bring back or to have experienced it all?
Not to have experienced it... takes away the terrible memories. Takes away my dreams of her and what could have been if only I had been smart enough to see what I must do.
Experiencing it... hurts a lot somedays. For the first months, I didn't know what to do and it was only through a combination of forced amnesia and insanity that I could truly go on with my life. School helped a lot. But with the experience comes the knowledge that I was once loved above all others... and with that comes the hope that it could happen again.
I don't know which one is more painful. Without is a general depression without a source, but also without a light. With is a specific depression with a very painful and sharp blade, but there is hope within.
Eight months.
Somedays I dream of having the chance to redo it all - oh the choices are clear to me now, as they always are months after I had to make them. I sometimes lose myself in the moment and give in to pressues that I shouldn't. It's not even a question of logic versus emotion - its a question of emotion versus emotion. And I hate making those kinds of decisions - where somebody must be hurt, but whom? Must I choose?
Somedays I dream of her forgiveness and having the chance to fix the wrongs that I have done. But I will never have that chance - that is the painful reality I must accept.
I can only move forward.
Is there even a future for me? I don't plan on burying this story in the past - I learned my lesson about this. But can any woman trust me let alone love me, knowing of what I've done? When you stack this up along with the rest of my flaws, even when weighed against all the good things about me, am I not found wanting? I find myself wanting. I find myself making stupid stupid mistakes that even a moron wouldn't make - so why do I make them?
It has been said by some that I could do anything I wanted in life (excluding working in a language other than English). I have the talent in the right places and the willingness to work to succeed in any field I wanted to enter into. So why can't I get this right?
Now I'm just whining. I have to stop that.
Somedays I think the best solution would be to move to another city where I can start new. The downsides are obviously that I would have to work to pay rent/groceries/etc, I would have to abandon my nearly-free college education and my half-price university and I would miss a few people here. The upsides... well, they're up. I often think about what it would be like to move to Sudbury - I know Freya/Angelis and now Eve from there whom are some of the closest friends I have.
I think one of the things I fear the most is being alone all through my life. As much as I'm hard to get along with and as much as I may push people away somedays - as much as I hurt some people - I do need someone. I need someone to share my life with. There isn't a point to walking my road, in my mind, if I don't have somebody there with me to share in each others challenges. My fear of death (which is extreme) builds on this as death could be final seperation between me and all other people.
Death... abstractly does not scare me. Horror movies are great, violent video games and what not are awesome. Where death gets me is in reality. When I think about the atheist version of death - nothingness - then I feel a deep overwhelming sense of depression. Life that just ends - that has no meaning. I look at my hands, will these be rotting in some box in the ground 100 years from now? Will I die in my sleep and never be aware of it, or will I die slowly, in torment? Is there an afterlife? Is there such a thing as a soul that can go on? As much as I shun organized religion, I still am a spiritual person and I hope that there is such a thing as a soul that can continue life in a higher plane. I don't know though - I can't say I really do believe it will happen. I fear that there is not. And I know that it is a one way trip - if it wasn't, we would hear about other people coming back from the dead all the time.
I like myself. I love the person I am. I want to be. I want to exist, I want to know, I want to go on. I don't want to die and become nothingness.
But death is inevitable. That just adds to the horror. A car crash is avoidable. Going bankrupt is avoidable. Losing your job, getting kicked out of school - all of these are avoidable AND you can fix them some how. Death is not. You can't avoid it. You can't fix it. Barring the invention of a cure for old age, I am going to die. And that is all the more horrifying.
Off of this topic before I really start thinking about it.
Originally tonight, I was going to share my thoughts on the universe. But I won't, as I don't have time before I go to bed. So I will leave that and another topic for another night.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
*hugs to you all* and I hope you all have an awesome weekend. I'll post again tomorrow, hopefully longer, but at least to wish everyone a merry christmas/happy holidays/whatnot.
Good night all.
- Dep
*blinks* my head is continually filled with thoughts as of late - I feel as though I'm changing, taking back some old habits from an older me that I like and missed (one of which is serious, more indepth journal entries such as the past two and this one) while still avoiding the negative habits that brought me down last time. And one of the more controversial habits (whether its a good or bad habit depends on your perspective) is more indepth reflections of myself. As much as I like doing this, because I feel it lets me better know myself and explain myself to others when they require explanations, it can also lead to... overthinking. We shall try to avoid that.
It's all so... indescribable. And what I feel like doing is sitting down with somebody who understands and just try to get it all out. I don't think I can do it here - the Internet is too impersonal and there would be some fairly hurtful things to be said about some people whom read this journal. Beyond those reasons, which haven't stopped me in the past I know, it's just too long. There is too much. My mind is full of it all as the past that I have shut out for the past eight months comes flooding back and I begin to deal with it all.
... Has it been eight months? Eight months since it all ended... eight months since I massively screwed up... eight months that I've been hitting myself for being a moron...
It doesn't seem as long... and it seems longer at the same time. My bad memory puts things in the past more quickly than others I suppose but it also increases the gaps between memory. But it still doesn't seem like that long ago that I was happy.
A comment to my last journal entry got me thinking - would I be better or worse off without that experience? Which is more painful - to have never experienced those kinds of feelings and so have no terrible memories to bring back or to have experienced it all?
Not to have experienced it... takes away the terrible memories. Takes away my dreams of her and what could have been if only I had been smart enough to see what I must do.
Experiencing it... hurts a lot somedays. For the first months, I didn't know what to do and it was only through a combination of forced amnesia and insanity that I could truly go on with my life. School helped a lot. But with the experience comes the knowledge that I was once loved above all others... and with that comes the hope that it could happen again.
I don't know which one is more painful. Without is a general depression without a source, but also without a light. With is a specific depression with a very painful and sharp blade, but there is hope within.
Eight months.
Somedays I dream of having the chance to redo it all - oh the choices are clear to me now, as they always are months after I had to make them. I sometimes lose myself in the moment and give in to pressues that I shouldn't. It's not even a question of logic versus emotion - its a question of emotion versus emotion. And I hate making those kinds of decisions - where somebody must be hurt, but whom? Must I choose?
Somedays I dream of her forgiveness and having the chance to fix the wrongs that I have done. But I will never have that chance - that is the painful reality I must accept.
I can only move forward.
Is there even a future for me? I don't plan on burying this story in the past - I learned my lesson about this. But can any woman trust me let alone love me, knowing of what I've done? When you stack this up along with the rest of my flaws, even when weighed against all the good things about me, am I not found wanting? I find myself wanting. I find myself making stupid stupid mistakes that even a moron wouldn't make - so why do I make them?
It has been said by some that I could do anything I wanted in life (excluding working in a language other than English). I have the talent in the right places and the willingness to work to succeed in any field I wanted to enter into. So why can't I get this right?
Now I'm just whining. I have to stop that.
Somedays I think the best solution would be to move to another city where I can start new. The downsides are obviously that I would have to work to pay rent/groceries/etc, I would have to abandon my nearly-free college education and my half-price university and I would miss a few people here. The upsides... well, they're up. I often think about what it would be like to move to Sudbury - I know Freya/Angelis and now Eve from there whom are some of the closest friends I have.
I think one of the things I fear the most is being alone all through my life. As much as I'm hard to get along with and as much as I may push people away somedays - as much as I hurt some people - I do need someone. I need someone to share my life with. There isn't a point to walking my road, in my mind, if I don't have somebody there with me to share in each others challenges. My fear of death (which is extreme) builds on this as death could be final seperation between me and all other people.
Death... abstractly does not scare me. Horror movies are great, violent video games and what not are awesome. Where death gets me is in reality. When I think about the atheist version of death - nothingness - then I feel a deep overwhelming sense of depression. Life that just ends - that has no meaning. I look at my hands, will these be rotting in some box in the ground 100 years from now? Will I die in my sleep and never be aware of it, or will I die slowly, in torment? Is there an afterlife? Is there such a thing as a soul that can go on? As much as I shun organized religion, I still am a spiritual person and I hope that there is such a thing as a soul that can continue life in a higher plane. I don't know though - I can't say I really do believe it will happen. I fear that there is not. And I know that it is a one way trip - if it wasn't, we would hear about other people coming back from the dead all the time.
I like myself. I love the person I am. I want to be. I want to exist, I want to know, I want to go on. I don't want to die and become nothingness.
But death is inevitable. That just adds to the horror. A car crash is avoidable. Going bankrupt is avoidable. Losing your job, getting kicked out of school - all of these are avoidable AND you can fix them some how. Death is not. You can't avoid it. You can't fix it. Barring the invention of a cure for old age, I am going to die. And that is all the more horrifying.
Off of this topic before I really start thinking about it.
Originally tonight, I was going to share my thoughts on the universe. But I won't, as I don't have time before I go to bed. So I will leave that and another topic for another night.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
*hugs to you all* and I hope you all have an awesome weekend. I'll post again tomorrow, hopefully longer, but at least to wish everyone a merry christmas/happy holidays/whatnot.
Good night all.
- Dep
// posted by Dep @ 1:16:00 a.m.
