Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

Alright, Nicky, I'll hand it to you. Perfect words. You're right, I have been here before - but I didn't know then what I know now.

It was interesting though, because it came up in class today - what would you do if you were interested in your best friend's girlfriend? What's the morally correct choice? And oddly enough, one of the thoughts put forward by the class was the "well, give it up and move on" that I've gotten from one or two people - and the response was that "sometimes, you don't want to give up your thoughts". I don't know if I'm entirely ready to give up mine either.

But, lets apply new knowledge to it. Lesson #1 is that I can't sit around and do nothing, moping here on my journal. I had two days, I ranted it all out and really there's nothing left to say. The situation is what it is - lets do something. I think this, Nicky, is what you were getting at - but more importantly, its what I know is right.

So if we're not doing nothing, we're doing something. The options: moving on, telling her and letting her decide... probably a few others, but really those are the two up for consideration. If you have another, leave a comment.

Moving on presents a problem in my mind because I feel I can't get past this - it keeps coming back (this isn't the second time, its like the fifth). Therefore, burying it and moving on may just mean putting off making another decision like this down the road - until I don't put it off anymore. On the flip side, maybe the situation will change then. Maybe people will be different, relationships will be different - who knows. But keeping it on my mind until things do change is definately not a possibility.

On the flip side of that who situation is telling her, laying out all the facts/thoughts and letting her make her own opinions. At the very least, I intend to clear up a few matters that have been muddied in our past relationship - this, I feel, is very important to me, that I be well understood by those closest to me. The question is not about that, but more about the ongoing emotions/feelings that I've been trying to express and explore - do I tell her about those? The question can't be does it serve any purpose, because from all I can tell she loves my best friend - and her feelings towards me haven't really changed. Therefore I can't expect a yes, the only answer I can and should expect is a no. What will telling her serve? Again, we flip the side - telling her will possibly clear the slate for me and really allow me to move on to a new life.

There is another question that deserves to be addressed - what do I tell my best friend? How much of this does he need to know, how much will he want to know? How much is enough to break our friendship (which has survived many trials before this).

This one is going to require some thought, but at least I'm on the right path.

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Anyways - I have a whole horde of other thoughts on a variety of subjects, but for now I am for the sleep. Class at 8AM tomorrow and all (actually today now :P).

G'night
- Dep

Have you ever... wanted somebody but you knew you couldn't, knew you shouldn't even ask to begin with. With friendship in between long lost love and possible new possibilities, I find myself knowing the right path and yet not wanting to walk it - not wanting to let go of hope again. I can bury it deep within my soul, as I've done before - but there will be a day again when it walks once more... or is it the possibility that there will never be such a day that scares me.

I look at my life and have few regrets - there is a lesson learned here, a path revealed there: myself revealed in new light. And yet this is one of them, among the few - the path that was never explored and now... maybe it never will be. Maybe its time has passed, and a new path lies before me.

Who is to tell of paths, truth and myself?

And there is more that I could say, of a green beast of evil that stalked me today, yesterday and days before that... and will in the days to come. Of the dreams... yes, the dreams.

What is a dream? Occasionally, I find them to predict... sometimes, I find them to be random thoughts collected together. And sometimes, they are the truest indicator of my innermost thoughts.

And I... I am confused. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to run away. I want, I desire, I need, I dream I dare, I seek and yet I fear, I hope, I weep. There is a sadness inside me, for the years gone by when I dreamed, for what could have been explored but never was - for the weaknesses within me that brought it all about. There is a desire, a burning desire, for reasons even I cannot say. And yet, HE gives me pause, he who brought me to where I am today. Without him, life would be nothing but an empty shell, a ghost of an existence. How could I betray him, how could I even think of betraying him?

And yet, he is the one who understands, who has let me pour forth my emotion when it seemed to swamp me. Where am I now, when he cannot know.

Alright, slight melodrama aside. Its still freakin' frustrating! I know that I said it was all in the past, that I was over her - apparently I'm not, apparently I just repressed it because its all still here, the same emotions, the same feelings, the same fears and doubts. The same problems, which is why I can't look at it and say I have even a snowball's chance in hell... and also why I don't want to look away.

Its not an obsessive thing, that I can't live without her - I know I can. Its not that I must be with her, its that I want to. It makes me curious - I want to experience what it would really be like, without the barriers of the past. I want to know who she really is, because she intrigues me. She is the person who intrigues me the most, which explains my attraction to her.

My mind is just lost in this sea of questions - I'm just out of one relationship, I should take some time before getting into another.

But one way or another... these questions need to be laid to rest I believe.

- Dep

Alright, its been a busy few days - things have had time to sink in and I've decided I'm good with the breakup - in retrospect it definately is the right decision at this point in my life.

Really what I'd love to do right now is go to sleep... but my head is filled with thoughts (as well as possibilities) - crazy, crazy thoughts that were banished so long ago and yet... it seems more sane, less out of my control - not like it once was.

I can see those years of my life with her, laid out almost like an open book - the misunderstandings and misinterpretation, the lack of comprehension on both sides. I guess I shouldn't say that, I still don't understand exactly where all of these miscommunications were, but I know now that I was right - it was about miscommunication (as perhaps these things often are?).

And ever since then, we've been reacting towards each other based on these ill-perceived ideas we have of each other, almost illusions within our own minds... akin to the masks we wear. The clues were there all along, to point at the true nature of the situation, and I even followed them... but either I pressed too hard or not enough, because I couldn't break through.

I can't regret it... I've learned too much about myself from it to be able to wish it out of existence. But I do miss those days.

But out of it comes a myriad of thoughts - just how badly did we miscommunicate? What kind of person does she think I am? How much of what I guess is real, and how much is my own imagination?

I thought the whole thing past because I came to believe that the person I believed was underneath was a figment of my imagination - that it was never there or the mask had devoured it whole. Of course the question of "is it really past?" comes up when I realize that I wasn't imagining it. But there are new barriers in the way, barriers that not even I dare violate - out of respect at the very least.

Regardless of future possibilities (occasionally haunting), I have the occasional sense that people think of me as naught but a person with a bad sense of humour (which I can't disagree with except that some people do like it). But there is so much more... and I wonder why I don't show people that side of me more often. I know its there, its here when I'm writing.

Is it only in written word that I can find seriousness? What does that make me?

No its not - I've had perfectly long and serious conversations with a number of people. It seems that certain people bring out that side of me - the horrible puns, delibrate misunderstandings, overlooked metaphors and idioms, and the poking fun comments. And it comes out, oddly enough, among my closer friends more often - perhaps something to do with the level of comfort I have with them. In fact, I would say its harder for me to be serious about something than make one of those horrible jokes (even I accept that some are pretty bad).

Why do I turn everything into a joke? Well not everything, but the important things - is it a defensive reaction? A mask that I wear?

Who are we without masks?

I suppose I shall have to trust in the closer of my friends not to take it seriously and realize the other sides of my personality. But with this person, it seems she has not had exposure to this side of me, even though I would count her among the closest of my friends. Why?

Some people have almost an intimidating effect on me - usually women, but we won't exclude men. This woman, in particular, has a great intimidating effect on me... but intimidation isn't the right term (but its close). I feel... as though she'll laugh at me when I have serious conversations, as though she'll... reject me? Part of it, for sure, but even more than that is the idea that she might see it all as pointless, that she won't understand, that she'll call me a fool and destroy the house of cards I've built in my head. Foolish probably, all of it...

I have confidence in myself, in my beliefs and in my actions - except when it comes to her. With her, I lack that confidence. I worry about whether or not what I say will be the right thing, I worry about how she'll react... and not when I'm making a joke, only when I'm trying to be serious. I have this mental block of worry in my head that seems to prevent me from having serious communication with her - everytime I try, I run away or I mess it up horribly.

I still remember, after we first broke up (first of three times), how I sat at the phone and tried to find within me the courage to dial her number and talk to her. Three years and though I didn't sit by the phone any more, I still carried that fear with me when we returned to dating again. Our relationship never went anywhere, because I never could get past it - it showed, it showed everywhere and I can only imagine how it seemed from her side.

And when I mess it up, I really mess it up. One of my biggest flaws is that I am too quick to pick my words, I try to find the closest one and then work towards the idea that I'm searching for. I tried to explain this fear to her and couldn't - the words just weren't there. And she lept to the wrong conclusions about what I was trying to say again and again and eventually, I gave up trying to explain.

Even today, she does that with people around her, which I'm sure frustrates them.

And so I sit here with thoughts of days gone by, introspective thoughts of where my life goes from here and the (hopefully) fleeting hope that somehow we can find where we went wrong and work it - and not alienate every friend we have in the process.

My mind is exploding but I need sleep.

Goodnight world,

- Dep

Not entirely sure how I feel about it, so I'll leave commentary for the morning - just thought I'd let everyone know so there are no awkward moments.

- Rob

Well I too am a bit late with the greetings, but they are here.

I must apologize, my life has been filled with things to do as of late and other thoughts on my mind... my journal and my Runescape account have become a bit forgotten as a result ;) (I'll go pay attention to it later).

The main project that has occupied my time is my Magic:The Gathering game. In a fit of boredom, I started designing a computer version of the game that accurately simulates the game... to my knowledge, this has only been done in the ridiculously expensive Magic: Online. Of course, it probably violates all sorts of copyrights and I never intend to release it (open source or not). Its just a project to keep my mind busy and expand my skills with Java to new heights - already, I have learned much. Maybe I'll use it to playtest new ideas with Daren. Its quite a challenge though as the intricate rules and interactions of Magic are hard to simulate.

In fact, Magic has occupied more of my time lately... I've gone on somewhat of a deck building spree and found a few new cool concepts worth keeping. More tournement play is in my future.

Asides from that, video games are beginning to draw me back in and I've found myself looking at Final Fantasy games, not quite remembering how the plot went (and some abandoned half-way through lol). FF games and their close cousins, such as Legend of Dragoon, are my video addiction.

Ahh marks... the marks are well in the compsci classes as always. I also managed to pass philosophy by the skin of my nose and have a decent chance at English though it is the one course that I don't have a mark for yet.

HU also takes up some of my time, but not as much as we're gearing up for a semester of analysis and design.

Christmas was excellent with good food and some cool new toys - I am finally the proud owner of a cellphone (for emergencies only as its pay as you go :) - thats why not many people are getting the number). The list goes on of awesome gifts.

New Years was also fun - the only thing really special I did was have a rum & coke while watching Year of the Farce (Air Farce's new year's special). It was an extremely amusing hour counting down to midnight and afterwards... the Chicken Cannon. I was, perhaps, mildly disappointed as my own vote for Rona Ambrose only brought her to #2... but the beavers from the Bell commercials were just too annoying apparently lol.

On to the thoughts...
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I keep getting older and every year (usually around this time, prompted by the changing of my age and of the year) I have the temptation to look back and see how far I've come. I read the first entries of this journal and find myself amused and embarressed - how far I have come... and how far do I have to go? And it feels odd to look at the lives of other people and notice the similar patterns... and you know exactly where it is going, but also feel powerless to stop them.

Time seems to be our greatest friend and enemy - it is with time that we gain the objectivity to look back and realize our mistakes, it is time that numbs our pain so that we can begin again, to rebuild. Yet it is also time that destroys us most completely in the end.


You know, there are many who call me insane. Why? I'm sure they would point to a number of different things, but they have something in common - they aren't what people would consider "normal". I am not a person who feels bound by cultural or moral standards, prefering to rely on my own (which, occasionally, even fall in line with the common standards). And it brings an interesting question, one that has been brought to my mind before - what is insanity? What is proof of what is "real"? We, so often, define reality as mass agreement on a perception - and then we translate that into customs. We define what is "proper" by what most people do and it brings about phrases like "you just don't do something like that". Now, before you call me an anarchist, I will say that certain rules must be in effect, organized civilization couldn't continue without such rules. I speak more of the social nicieties, the "proper" behaviour expected of a person in a given situation, the rules of authority, etc. Why is it wrong, why does it make one insane, to depart from the commonly tread path (wrong follows from insane due to the negative connotations of that word as it is commonly used).

I'm not even sure I have a point, but I'm growing increasingly frustrated with people who try to apply their point of view to another person - and it seems to be something that a large number of people do (from my point of view :P). Each person is an exceedingly complex and unique person - perhaps sharing a small to large number of similar qualities and beliefs others, but always with a unique touch. Doesn't it therefore follow that each person also has a lifestyle that is correct for them? If a person is truly happy bouncing between relationships, never settling down, always on the lookout for something new and exciting, does that make them a bad person? If a person wants nothing to do with school, if it is simply not the path for them (beyond the basic requirements), is that a negative side of them? Who are we to say that their lifestyle is a negative one, they could easily say the same about ours. The key here, and it is the key to being a successful communicator, a successful interpersonal problem solver, to having a successful relationship, to successfully raising kids, the key is to remember that what is right for us is not right for everyone. Each and every person has their own choices in life and the only path to happiness that I know of is to make those choices as you believe is right for yourself.

And to make those decisions requires self-knowledge, which... is something that is never quite complete. No person (at least that I've met) knows everything about all the internal bits of their personality. There is always something new to be discovered, a new hidden talent or something waiting to be sparked to life by a new experience. And therefore, we make mistakes - we choose negative paths sometimes and fail. The most important part about those experiences is picking ourselves back up, looking at where we went wrong and learning the lesson from it.

The question "Who am I?" can probably never therefore be completely answered, for anyone. But everyone has a core... a central ideal that guides them. They have drives in small or great quantities as Freud might say. These will shape the course of a person's life and form the framework of their being and who they want to be.

The greatest person is one who knows who they want to be and can work towards it without regards for the pressures of peers or society, instead of mindlessly following the crowd. If there are three things I hate in the world, one of them is a person who mindlessly follows the latest fad/fashion/etc. Note the difference in that it is a mindless follower - one who has not looked at the new fad and decided if they truly want to follow it. A person who refuses to follow a fad, simply because it is a fad, is just as bad. A person who can justify why they do/do not follow it... now there's a person.

The second thing that I have begun to realize is one of my truly deepest peeves is passive people. And this, perhaps, is number one... because everything else that turns me away from a person can be traced back to a somewhat passive nature. A passive person, in my mind, can be the standard meaning of the word passive... a person who doesn't make decisions, doesn't take actions... who sits back and takes life as it comes rather than going out and taking life by the horns so to speak. Maybe its because I used to be pretty passive myself that I now can't stand to see it in other people... regardless of the cause, it just bugs me. One of the most annoying parts of a passive person is listening to a complaint and realizing that they have so many ways around it - so many actions available to them - but they just don't do it. They'd rather complain than do something. Getting them to make decisions, asking their opinion, etc - it frustrates me so. But there is the second kind of passive person, in regards to thinking (and this may be the root cause of the other kind of passive person). A person who doesn't apply rationality to their life - a person who doesn't think, they just accept. They don't ask "does this make sense to me?". They don't question. And its not to mean that their entire life needs to be based on rational thought - there are excellent causes for emotional, spiritual and sexual/appetite drives in life, among others. But a part of them has to be rational too - there are times when emotions need to take a backseat to something else, or we can't indulge in our sexual fantasies.

A passive person, in my own opinion, is the result of a lack of self-confidence sometimes. Without confidence in your beliefs, in yourself and in your opinions you will be nervous to let them be heard by others. But where does a lack of self-confidence come from? From my own experiences, I feel a lack of self-confidence comes from a lack of self-knowledge to start with and then a lack of self-worth. We cannot love who we are until we know who we are. We cannot hold our beliefs or opinions firm until we know what we believe.

We also cannot love another until we love ourselves... this is a common saying but I find some truth in it. What another person loves is what they see within (and without). But until we know who we are and are confident that that is the person we want to be, the image we give will change over time. Look at myself - in three years, I've gone from starry-eyed romantic to a far more complex person. I'm multifaceted and thats the way I like it ;). But if I had started a relationship three years ago and let it continue - I may not have learned some of the things I know, but it also would have been a bit of a shock for my partner. Too much of a shock? *shrugs* depends on the partner I guess. There are some people who are willing to help you learn and it may even work sometimes - but usually we must learn while single. Why? Because the influence of another person tends to pull us in one direction or another. We do things to make them happy, we do things to keep the relationship going. We are afraid to shift too far, lest we go to far and destroy the relationship. We are the subjects of guilt trips, long "discussions" and so on and so forth. But relationships have their place - I find that I grow in stages - the growth occuring after a relationship has ended. Why? Because I have learned something about myself - I learned from Courtney that I am an extremely emotionally dependant person. I learned from Sarah of my dark side that I need to keep under control... and also what true love is all about. New people I have met also inspire growth as do new experiences.

But yes - passive people are so frustrating. People who sit back and say "whatever you want", "I don't care", and so on and so forth. Can these people not give me a straight answer? Do they think I ask because I want permission to do what I want? People who can't do things for themselves, who rely on me to do all the work (some of you know frustrating that is I'm sure) - oh I understand being supportive but there is a line. People who can't get their lives in order, do the right thing when they know what it is, ignore good advice in favor of a simpler path... people who just don't give a about anything other than their own selfish desires. People who don't try new things, new activities, people who don't make suggestions, who don't take any initiative. People who expect the world to be handed to them on a silver platter with a freakin' silver spoon next to it.

*deep breath*

Alright, new topic.

I wrote once about three sides to my personality - it was long and in depth and probably skimmed over by most of you. The three parts... lust, romance and philosophical in a nutshell. The philosophical one is the one who enjoys writing for long hours and examining the details of all aspects of psychology, philosophy... why do I do things, who am I. The romantic is the part that longs for candle light, fireplaces, winter nights and warm snuggles under covers. The lustful part... well I'll leave that to your imagination ;) or your worst nightmares, depending on your opinion I guess lol. Suffice it to say it has a wild streak, a kinky streak, a few other streaks that don't require mentioning and an extremely high drive. My tastes are extremely odd in that they vary from the occasional romantic classical style of "making love" to my BDSM side where I enjoy losing control most of the time with an occasional switch to the top. We'll change topics now, though I might come back to it later... it requires more explaining I think to a few people who have misinterpreted it.

But recently I have discovered I have a few other sides... I think the above three are really the core of my personality, they are who I truly am underneath all the masks and layers. But I have forgotten the masks that we wear for people... and I have mine as do we all. A mask is constructed, I believe, as a defensive mechanism. They only come on as we are around people who make us feel a certain level of discomfort. I, for instance, am an extremely quiet person around anyone I don't know (even though, if you know me, you'll know I'm far from quiet). Occasionally this gets blown away very quickly... I think meeting Ashley or Nicky or Courtney for the first time would be a good example of this, some people just set me at ease - perhaps it is like calling to like. But most people take time and some people never really let me get past it, especially if I find them intimidating.

Once they're past that... there is another one. Its kindof halfway in between a mask and a part of who I really am. I do like making jokes, occasionally at the expense of other people. Sometimes I get on a roll and I find I can't stop lol. (Right now, if you've ever been offended by a joke of mine, my apologies). I don't mean it. When I make jokes at the expense of other people, I'm not honestly trying to offend them, I'm just pointing out something amusing that they do. And there seem to be two levels of a joking me... one is kindof a broad level where I feel comfortable making jokes in front of someone... not everyone appreciates my sense of humour. The other is when I am so completely comfortable with a person I really feel there are no limits on what I can poke fun at (again, with no offense). This has really only happened with three people in my entire life outside of my family and is therefore, perhaps, somewhat of an honor even if two of them took moderate offense (UQAH!). Alright, I've crossed the line, which probably traces back to my complete lack of social tact we were talking about earlier, but most of the time it isn't that bad... you'd laugh too if your girlfriend sprayed herself with the hose (that never happened). The other one is, of course, Daren who takes it and gives it right back lol.

Ahh, the sex thing. Children under 18 and people who fit into the nightmare catagory can skip this paragraph. I once said that I thought relationships should exclude physical stuff... well lets scrap that from my philosophy right here and now. To begin with, I have discovered that I like sex... a lot. But it isn't pure intercourse that I like, intercourse is anti-climatic compared to the rest of it. More than that, I have also discovered that my tastes are almost as varied as I imagined they would be when I was younger and had no knowledge of the subject. Finally, I have discovered that sex is linked with both the physical and the mental for me. I find that I can't be sexually attracted to a person without intelligence and without some measure of good looks (keeping in mind that these are according to my tastes, which are pretty wide open but still have some standards). Of the two, the mental is more of a requirement - the more intelligent a woman is, the less the looks truly matter. But they are a part of the equation in my head I suppose, built in by genetics. And because I like sex a lot... take that to mean once a day at least... sexual compatibility becomes a part of a successful relationship. Lets be honest, a person who is frustrated with his sex life will be tempted to cheat. A person who is repeatedly tempted to cheat is either miserable as hell or he will cheat. In either case, its bad for a serious monogamous relationship. My tastes are odd though - they change, in a manner similar to my hobbies. I find myself wanting to try a lot of different and new things - things that range from the simple vanilla (but never had the pleasure of) to the extreme taboo. There are a few consistant ideas... I like losing control more than I like taking control and I don't believe I could ever be satistifed in a sexual relationship where I had to be in control any more than half the time... and even thats pushing it. I don't mind taking control and find it enjoyable too, but there's just something about losing control that pulls me.

Anyways, welcome back to the people who skipped the paragraph and now I'm going to bed - I'm exhausted and have a few things to do tomorrow.

G'night all.

- Rob

// posted by Dep @ 12:18:00 a.m.  0 comments