Monday, January 15, 2007
Thoughts
Have you ever... wanted somebody but you knew you couldn't, knew you shouldn't even ask to begin with. With friendship in between long lost love and possible new possibilities, I find myself knowing the right path and yet not wanting to walk it - not wanting to let go of hope again. I can bury it deep within my soul, as I've done before - but there will be a day again when it walks once more... or is it the possibility that there will never be such a day that scares me.
I look at my life and have few regrets - there is a lesson learned here, a path revealed there: myself revealed in new light. And yet this is one of them, among the few - the path that was never explored and now... maybe it never will be. Maybe its time has passed, and a new path lies before me.
Who is to tell of paths, truth and myself?
And there is more that I could say, of a green beast of evil that stalked me today, yesterday and days before that... and will in the days to come. Of the dreams... yes, the dreams.
What is a dream? Occasionally, I find them to predict... sometimes, I find them to be random thoughts collected together. And sometimes, they are the truest indicator of my innermost thoughts.
And I... I am confused. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to run away. I want, I desire, I need, I dream I dare, I seek and yet I fear, I hope, I weep. There is a sadness inside me, for the years gone by when I dreamed, for what could have been explored but never was - for the weaknesses within me that brought it all about. There is a desire, a burning desire, for reasons even I cannot say. And yet, HE gives me pause, he who brought me to where I am today. Without him, life would be nothing but an empty shell, a ghost of an existence. How could I betray him, how could I even think of betraying him?
And yet, he is the one who understands, who has let me pour forth my emotion when it seemed to swamp me. Where am I now, when he cannot know.
Alright, slight melodrama aside. Its still freakin' frustrating! I know that I said it was all in the past, that I was over her - apparently I'm not, apparently I just repressed it because its all still here, the same emotions, the same feelings, the same fears and doubts. The same problems, which is why I can't look at it and say I have even a snowball's chance in hell... and also why I don't want to look away.
Its not an obsessive thing, that I can't live without her - I know I can. Its not that I must be with her, its that I want to. It makes me curious - I want to experience what it would really be like, without the barriers of the past. I want to know who she really is, because she intrigues me. She is the person who intrigues me the most, which explains my attraction to her.
My mind is just lost in this sea of questions - I'm just out of one relationship, I should take some time before getting into another.
But one way or another... these questions need to be laid to rest I believe.
- Dep
I look at my life and have few regrets - there is a lesson learned here, a path revealed there: myself revealed in new light. And yet this is one of them, among the few - the path that was never explored and now... maybe it never will be. Maybe its time has passed, and a new path lies before me.
Who is to tell of paths, truth and myself?
And there is more that I could say, of a green beast of evil that stalked me today, yesterday and days before that... and will in the days to come. Of the dreams... yes, the dreams.
What is a dream? Occasionally, I find them to predict... sometimes, I find them to be random thoughts collected together. And sometimes, they are the truest indicator of my innermost thoughts.
And I... I am confused. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to run away. I want, I desire, I need, I dream I dare, I seek and yet I fear, I hope, I weep. There is a sadness inside me, for the years gone by when I dreamed, for what could have been explored but never was - for the weaknesses within me that brought it all about. There is a desire, a burning desire, for reasons even I cannot say. And yet, HE gives me pause, he who brought me to where I am today. Without him, life would be nothing but an empty shell, a ghost of an existence. How could I betray him, how could I even think of betraying him?
And yet, he is the one who understands, who has let me pour forth my emotion when it seemed to swamp me. Where am I now, when he cannot know.
Alright, slight melodrama aside. Its still freakin' frustrating! I know that I said it was all in the past, that I was over her - apparently I'm not, apparently I just repressed it because its all still here, the same emotions, the same feelings, the same fears and doubts. The same problems, which is why I can't look at it and say I have even a snowball's chance in hell... and also why I don't want to look away.
Its not an obsessive thing, that I can't live without her - I know I can. Its not that I must be with her, its that I want to. It makes me curious - I want to experience what it would really be like, without the barriers of the past. I want to know who she really is, because she intrigues me. She is the person who intrigues me the most, which explains my attraction to her.
My mind is just lost in this sea of questions - I'm just out of one relationship, I should take some time before getting into another.
But one way or another... these questions need to be laid to rest I believe.
- Dep
// posted by Dep @ 10:17:00 p.m.
