Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

Alright, its been a busy few days - things have had time to sink in and I've decided I'm good with the breakup - in retrospect it definately is the right decision at this point in my life.

Really what I'd love to do right now is go to sleep... but my head is filled with thoughts (as well as possibilities) - crazy, crazy thoughts that were banished so long ago and yet... it seems more sane, less out of my control - not like it once was.

I can see those years of my life with her, laid out almost like an open book - the misunderstandings and misinterpretation, the lack of comprehension on both sides. I guess I shouldn't say that, I still don't understand exactly where all of these miscommunications were, but I know now that I was right - it was about miscommunication (as perhaps these things often are?).

And ever since then, we've been reacting towards each other based on these ill-perceived ideas we have of each other, almost illusions within our own minds... akin to the masks we wear. The clues were there all along, to point at the true nature of the situation, and I even followed them... but either I pressed too hard or not enough, because I couldn't break through.

I can't regret it... I've learned too much about myself from it to be able to wish it out of existence. But I do miss those days.

But out of it comes a myriad of thoughts - just how badly did we miscommunicate? What kind of person does she think I am? How much of what I guess is real, and how much is my own imagination?

I thought the whole thing past because I came to believe that the person I believed was underneath was a figment of my imagination - that it was never there or the mask had devoured it whole. Of course the question of "is it really past?" comes up when I realize that I wasn't imagining it. But there are new barriers in the way, barriers that not even I dare violate - out of respect at the very least.

Regardless of future possibilities (occasionally haunting), I have the occasional sense that people think of me as naught but a person with a bad sense of humour (which I can't disagree with except that some people do like it). But there is so much more... and I wonder why I don't show people that side of me more often. I know its there, its here when I'm writing.

Is it only in written word that I can find seriousness? What does that make me?

No its not - I've had perfectly long and serious conversations with a number of people. It seems that certain people bring out that side of me - the horrible puns, delibrate misunderstandings, overlooked metaphors and idioms, and the poking fun comments. And it comes out, oddly enough, among my closer friends more often - perhaps something to do with the level of comfort I have with them. In fact, I would say its harder for me to be serious about something than make one of those horrible jokes (even I accept that some are pretty bad).

Why do I turn everything into a joke? Well not everything, but the important things - is it a defensive reaction? A mask that I wear?

Who are we without masks?

I suppose I shall have to trust in the closer of my friends not to take it seriously and realize the other sides of my personality. But with this person, it seems she has not had exposure to this side of me, even though I would count her among the closest of my friends. Why?

Some people have almost an intimidating effect on me - usually women, but we won't exclude men. This woman, in particular, has a great intimidating effect on me... but intimidation isn't the right term (but its close). I feel... as though she'll laugh at me when I have serious conversations, as though she'll... reject me? Part of it, for sure, but even more than that is the idea that she might see it all as pointless, that she won't understand, that she'll call me a fool and destroy the house of cards I've built in my head. Foolish probably, all of it...

I have confidence in myself, in my beliefs and in my actions - except when it comes to her. With her, I lack that confidence. I worry about whether or not what I say will be the right thing, I worry about how she'll react... and not when I'm making a joke, only when I'm trying to be serious. I have this mental block of worry in my head that seems to prevent me from having serious communication with her - everytime I try, I run away or I mess it up horribly.

I still remember, after we first broke up (first of three times), how I sat at the phone and tried to find within me the courage to dial her number and talk to her. Three years and though I didn't sit by the phone any more, I still carried that fear with me when we returned to dating again. Our relationship never went anywhere, because I never could get past it - it showed, it showed everywhere and I can only imagine how it seemed from her side.

And when I mess it up, I really mess it up. One of my biggest flaws is that I am too quick to pick my words, I try to find the closest one and then work towards the idea that I'm searching for. I tried to explain this fear to her and couldn't - the words just weren't there. And she lept to the wrong conclusions about what I was trying to say again and again and eventually, I gave up trying to explain.

Even today, she does that with people around her, which I'm sure frustrates them.

And so I sit here with thoughts of days gone by, introspective thoughts of where my life goes from here and the (hopefully) fleeting hope that somehow we can find where we went wrong and work it - and not alienate every friend we have in the process.

My mind is exploding but I need sleep.

Goodnight world,

- Dep