Thursday, August 25, 2005
*idiot*
You know, I have been a bit of an idiot lately. I remember saying at least two or three times "if you don't talk to me, I have to take that as a no." And she didn't talk to me except when I forced the issue. I've been an idiot since day one. I should have realized that her not talking about it was her avoiding the conflict of telling me "no" and taking the out that I gave her.
God I'm a moron.
Needless to say, with this in mind, I feel... a lot less guilty for trying to move on with my life. I know it's what she's wants for us now.
Ummm... my own little rant?
There are a lot of things in my head. Things that don't really matter now, but somehow I still think about them on occasion (or even frequently). I know that the conclusion I should come to is it doesn't matter so why waste my time thinking about it, but... I dunno. I just... find myself thinking "yeah this was one of the problems, this is how it affected me and how it could have been better" or "this is where I went wrong, this is how I could have been better". Overanalytical is what I'm being, Daren had it right and perhaps overly introspective. No matter how over the relationship is, I still find myself thinking about it and how we could have made it a better relationship in - one I would have been happier in. Not that I wasn't happy sometimes... but too often I felt lonely or leftout and I hate that feeling... I've had it all my life when rejected from groups or team events and in relationships it's just... just so negative, especially coming from somebody who loves you... and you know they do love you and you know that you want to be with them that you love them too... but it feels like they never have time for you or don't make the time for you. It's really about making the time... we only have so many hours in the day, in a week, in a month, in a year. You can't just take the time where it comes in the kind of relationship we had... you gotta make the time, even if it means pushing other things around; hurrying up on your schoolwork or not seeing your friends one weekend. I think I speak for most people when they say when they're dating somebody they want to be accepted by their family - for me being accepted by them is important because I know that, if things do go furthur, things go far smoother if the family likes you. Not only that, but it makes it easier to see the person you're dating because the family can make allowences and can plan. You don't have to hide things from them, which increases your options. Ditto your friends. And you know what? Lol, I want to be bragged about, like I brag about my girlfriend (and I do... anyone who remembers me back last Fall it was "Courtney this" and "Courtney that" constantly). And I mean brag as in... being proud you're dating - it's not something you hide, it's something a bit more open. Go on, shout it to the world. I want to get to know her close friends and to be accepted by them so we can do stuff together, in groups, instead of having seperate encounters.
I really don't want to get into specifics... not all of these apply, it's just my general sortof rant about stuff from all my past relationships. The specifics, as I said, don't matter as it's over!
-------
In completely other news, Pride is on Sunday and I am going! Woohoo! Waving flags and carrying the PTY banner in the parade - perhaps watch for me on TV.
What should I wear? I toyed with the idea of going in drag but I doubt I'd look good. Interesting idea though, perhaps next year once I've worked on it a bit more.
In any case, that's about it, I'm done for tongiht.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings thoughts and no offense was intended to anyone... it is, as I said, the random outpouring of thoughts from my brain.
more tomorrow.
*hugs to all*
~~ Dep ~~
God I'm a moron.
Needless to say, with this in mind, I feel... a lot less guilty for trying to move on with my life. I know it's what she's wants for us now.
Ummm... my own little rant?
There are a lot of things in my head. Things that don't really matter now, but somehow I still think about them on occasion (or even frequently). I know that the conclusion I should come to is it doesn't matter so why waste my time thinking about it, but... I dunno. I just... find myself thinking "yeah this was one of the problems, this is how it affected me and how it could have been better" or "this is where I went wrong, this is how I could have been better". Overanalytical is what I'm being, Daren had it right and perhaps overly introspective. No matter how over the relationship is, I still find myself thinking about it and how we could have made it a better relationship in - one I would have been happier in. Not that I wasn't happy sometimes... but too often I felt lonely or leftout and I hate that feeling... I've had it all my life when rejected from groups or team events and in relationships it's just... just so negative, especially coming from somebody who loves you... and you know they do love you and you know that you want to be with them that you love them too... but it feels like they never have time for you or don't make the time for you. It's really about making the time... we only have so many hours in the day, in a week, in a month, in a year. You can't just take the time where it comes in the kind of relationship we had... you gotta make the time, even if it means pushing other things around; hurrying up on your schoolwork or not seeing your friends one weekend. I think I speak for most people when they say when they're dating somebody they want to be accepted by their family - for me being accepted by them is important because I know that, if things do go furthur, things go far smoother if the family likes you. Not only that, but it makes it easier to see the person you're dating because the family can make allowences and can plan. You don't have to hide things from them, which increases your options. Ditto your friends. And you know what? Lol, I want to be bragged about, like I brag about my girlfriend (and I do... anyone who remembers me back last Fall it was "Courtney this" and "Courtney that" constantly). And I mean brag as in... being proud you're dating - it's not something you hide, it's something a bit more open. Go on, shout it to the world. I want to get to know her close friends and to be accepted by them so we can do stuff together, in groups, instead of having seperate encounters.
I really don't want to get into specifics... not all of these apply, it's just my general sortof rant about stuff from all my past relationships. The specifics, as I said, don't matter as it's over!
-------
In completely other news, Pride is on Sunday and I am going! Woohoo! Waving flags and carrying the PTY banner in the parade - perhaps watch for me on TV.
What should I wear? I toyed with the idea of going in drag but I doubt I'd look good. Interesting idea though, perhaps next year once I've worked on it a bit more.
In any case, that's about it, I'm done for tongiht.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings thoughts and no offense was intended to anyone... it is, as I said, the random outpouring of thoughts from my brain.
more tomorrow.
*hugs to all*
~~ Dep ~~
Monday, August 22, 2005
B2S
was supposed to be today, but due to a teacher's strike it wasn't. w00t.
but I am back tomorrow (and am going to bed in 13 minutes so that I have plenty of time to get my 8 hours and still make my ******** 8AM class).
I wanted to share my good mood today - I spent a long time at Vanessa's place with her, her brother and Daren... we played magic, listened to some guns & roses, played some video games and hung out. it was fun. my back hurts... for some reason that happens everytime I visit them. they must have ergonomically incorrect couches.
I just lit some incense, going to let it burn before I hit the hay.
Umm... so yeah, everything is in readiness - I have a lunch packed (lol, Sarah introduced me to a type of lunch I love and so I probably won't be sinking cash into food at school this semester), my books are packed, clothes are layed out, all jewelry/wallet/other items are right in front of me including my brand new Verbatim usb transporter (no more emailing myself shit!). The only problem with it is it doesn't fit into the USB slot on my computer because the slot next to it has something in it... my mouse. And I only have two USB slots. Sooo... I'm screwed for the time being but my Dad and I are going to try and find a solution - in the meantime, I'm going to send stuff downstairs on the LAN and move it to the usb storage using another computer - perhaps when I get one of them, I'll be set.
Not much else to say except I have no clue how much I'll be around this semester - a lot of work has to go into my school and I may miss updates.
Oh - I'm really looking forward to a repeat of last Wednesday this Wednesday. I'm going to try and talk some people from school into going (it's only $2 cover). So, for those of you who live in the Ottawa area, if you're looking for something to do on Wednesday nights, come down to the Edge (corner of Bank and Sparks) at 9PM for the all ages night (no drinking without ID) - I should be there sometime around 9PM and I have $1 off cover coupons (note: cover is normally $3, it's $2 with this coupon). A furthur note to that: if you're homophobic, I wouldn't go. While straight people are welcome, the bar caters to gay people. So come one come all... just don't bring homophobia with you. And an even furthur note to that: There are drag shows. They are really really good.
Chrissie, if you and Aaron can go that would be awesome... Adam I'm hoping you can make it this time... Daren if you're not working, you and Vanessa are welcome. Other people are welcome to - drop me a line on MSN for more information, or send me an email.
Now I believe that is truly all I have to say.
Wish me luck!
Signing off with hugs to all
~~ Dep / Robert ~~
but I am back tomorrow (and am going to bed in 13 minutes so that I have plenty of time to get my 8 hours and still make my ******** 8AM class).
I wanted to share my good mood today - I spent a long time at Vanessa's place with her, her brother and Daren... we played magic, listened to some guns & roses, played some video games and hung out. it was fun. my back hurts... for some reason that happens everytime I visit them. they must have ergonomically incorrect couches.
I just lit some incense, going to let it burn before I hit the hay.
Umm... so yeah, everything is in readiness - I have a lunch packed (lol, Sarah introduced me to a type of lunch I love and so I probably won't be sinking cash into food at school this semester), my books are packed, clothes are layed out, all jewelry/wallet/other items are right in front of me including my brand new Verbatim usb transporter (no more emailing myself shit!). The only problem with it is it doesn't fit into the USB slot on my computer because the slot next to it has something in it... my mouse. And I only have two USB slots. Sooo... I'm screwed for the time being but my Dad and I are going to try and find a solution - in the meantime, I'm going to send stuff downstairs on the LAN and move it to the usb storage using another computer - perhaps when I get one of them, I'll be set.
Not much else to say except I have no clue how much I'll be around this semester - a lot of work has to go into my school and I may miss updates.
Oh - I'm really looking forward to a repeat of last Wednesday this Wednesday. I'm going to try and talk some people from school into going (it's only $2 cover). So, for those of you who live in the Ottawa area, if you're looking for something to do on Wednesday nights, come down to the Edge (corner of Bank and Sparks) at 9PM for the all ages night (no drinking without ID) - I should be there sometime around 9PM and I have $1 off cover coupons (note: cover is normally $3, it's $2 with this coupon). A furthur note to that: if you're homophobic, I wouldn't go. While straight people are welcome, the bar caters to gay people. So come one come all... just don't bring homophobia with you. And an even furthur note to that: There are drag shows. They are really really good.
Chrissie, if you and Aaron can go that would be awesome... Adam I'm hoping you can make it this time... Daren if you're not working, you and Vanessa are welcome. Other people are welcome to - drop me a line on MSN for more information, or send me an email.
Now I believe that is truly all I have to say.
Wish me luck!
Signing off with hugs to all
~~ Dep / Robert ~~
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Back to school in two days!
Alright, alright, alright.
I'll update. Fine. Be that way.
School begins in about 33 hours. My first class is at 8 (horrid hour) am on Tuesday.
I'm going to go back in time, it's just easier that way.
Important events now...
Dude I'm getting a flash drive... this is so sweet. Goodbye emailing myself stuff...USB storage, here I come!
I have more anime to watch... a lot more. Inuyasha calls... along with Escaflowne. DAMN YOU VICKI FOR THIS ADDICTION! I'd damn you to hell, but you're already here. God I love fox demons... I love their ears... they are so cute...
Dancing on Wednesday will become a weekly event as long as Adam/Shannon/Tina are going or people I know from school... somehow I didn't feel comfortable dancing when no one I knew was there with me (they occasionally went off to sit down and do stuff).
Before that, big party... sad as one of the long time coordinators of PTY is leaving... it won't be the same without her. On the plus side we have Kyle as a coordinator, who's absolutely hilarious.
Poetry... is nonexistant as of late. Forgive me, my friends, but the mood has not been there to commit what I feel to words. Probably because I feel neutral a lot of the time, or even slightly happy. I'm looking forward to going back to school. Occasional down periods but they're happening less and less often now.
Tomorrow I'm going to Vanessas to meet up with Daren... he's going to help me with some stuff and we're going to play some Magic.
My dreams have been fucked up lately. I remember them and I remember people who were in them, the events and everything. It is vaguely disturbing as normally I remember nothing from my dreams except a general emotion of some sort. Having details means something is up. There's always a reason I remember things that reveals itself in time. Just have to wait.
Religion... goes well... nothing big happening in my spiritual life... I have not sensed the prescence of a spirit as strong as the one I felt in Timmins. I have noticed it happens a bit more often now... perhaps now that I actually have an explanation for it, I'm recognizing it more often. But I have also managed to disprove that it is a fear of the dark, which is what I was thinking for awhile. I have walked along the road up to my house (Goes past a cemetary) three times at about 1AM... all three times I thought seriously of White Noise the movie and other things... only one time did I feel an irrational sense of panic and fear in me. Since, in Timmins, I ventured forth plenty of times in the night without feeling anything near as strong, I can only assume it was actually a spirit.
Either that or I'm crazy.
Lol... if you want me to speak of my love life, then you're crazy. I don't know what's going on at the moment. I'm in a transition phase where I know I can't stay attached to Courtney and have interest in other people... but I have a sense of guilt for that as well, like I'm betraying her and proving her right about me. I know that I can't stay attached though because... well it's kindof obvious she doesn't want me back lol. She would have said something by now. Having nothing to suggest she wants me back... I won't make the mistake I made with Vicki and keep trying. She knows (at least I hope she knows by now) how I feel about her... but I also know that I screwed up bigtime and somethings cannot be forgiven no matter how much you want to make things right. On with life...
Vicki and I have improved our friendship greatly. I doubt we'll ever date because Vicki just... I dunno. It's not mine to speak of anyways and I wish I could help her but... I think, like Daren, she's happy how she is (or at least, comfortable) and who am I to force her to change just because I want her to? If she wants help, she knows I'm here. But it is good to have a best friend with whom I can spend time - for too long my closest friends have been too far away for me to have social contact with... that is highly frustrating I'll have you know.
Normalness. A word I don't like to use often because it implies conformity. I'll use it now though. What I want next in a relationship is something closer to normal. What I mean is that my entire life I've had relationships with either people who are dysfunctional, people with their own problems or people who live... nine to twelve hours away. As much as I like them, these relationships take a bit of a toll on me and I suppose I've reached my limit. What I really want to do now is have a relationship which is a bit more normal. James hit the nail on the head as always... there is nothing that can replace having somebody you can hold in your arms, talk to in person each day and snuggle with. A little normal in my life would be nice at the moment... I've had a long history of relationships which are just... they aren't bad. I don't mean to say they didn't have good things or that I didn't like/love the person I was with. It's just... I'm really tired of, say, the entire relationship taking place over MSN or being made to feel that I'm a horrible person or having to tiptoe around because I don't want to push her too fast. Normal is to be desired at this point in my life I feel... lol.
Well.. I can't think of much else to say, so I'm done for tonight. Perhaps more tomorrow while I wait for my mom to drive me to Kev/Vanessas so Daren and I can do stuff
*hugs to y'all*
~~ Dep ~~
I'll update. Fine. Be that way.
School begins in about 33 hours. My first class is at 8 (horrid hour) am on Tuesday.
I'm going to go back in time, it's just easier that way.
Important events now...
Dude I'm getting a flash drive... this is so sweet. Goodbye emailing myself stuff...USB storage, here I come!
I have more anime to watch... a lot more. Inuyasha calls... along with Escaflowne. DAMN YOU VICKI FOR THIS ADDICTION! I'd damn you to hell, but you're already here. God I love fox demons... I love their ears... they are so cute...
Dancing on Wednesday will become a weekly event as long as Adam/Shannon/Tina are going or people I know from school... somehow I didn't feel comfortable dancing when no one I knew was there with me (they occasionally went off to sit down and do stuff).
Before that, big party... sad as one of the long time coordinators of PTY is leaving... it won't be the same without her. On the plus side we have Kyle as a coordinator, who's absolutely hilarious.
Poetry... is nonexistant as of late. Forgive me, my friends, but the mood has not been there to commit what I feel to words. Probably because I feel neutral a lot of the time, or even slightly happy. I'm looking forward to going back to school. Occasional down periods but they're happening less and less often now.
Tomorrow I'm going to Vanessas to meet up with Daren... he's going to help me with some stuff and we're going to play some Magic.
My dreams have been fucked up lately. I remember them and I remember people who were in them, the events and everything. It is vaguely disturbing as normally I remember nothing from my dreams except a general emotion of some sort. Having details means something is up. There's always a reason I remember things that reveals itself in time. Just have to wait.
Religion... goes well... nothing big happening in my spiritual life... I have not sensed the prescence of a spirit as strong as the one I felt in Timmins. I have noticed it happens a bit more often now... perhaps now that I actually have an explanation for it, I'm recognizing it more often. But I have also managed to disprove that it is a fear of the dark, which is what I was thinking for awhile. I have walked along the road up to my house (Goes past a cemetary) three times at about 1AM... all three times I thought seriously of White Noise the movie and other things... only one time did I feel an irrational sense of panic and fear in me. Since, in Timmins, I ventured forth plenty of times in the night without feeling anything near as strong, I can only assume it was actually a spirit.
Either that or I'm crazy.
Lol... if you want me to speak of my love life, then you're crazy. I don't know what's going on at the moment. I'm in a transition phase where I know I can't stay attached to Courtney and have interest in other people... but I have a sense of guilt for that as well, like I'm betraying her and proving her right about me. I know that I can't stay attached though because... well it's kindof obvious she doesn't want me back lol. She would have said something by now. Having nothing to suggest she wants me back... I won't make the mistake I made with Vicki and keep trying. She knows (at least I hope she knows by now) how I feel about her... but I also know that I screwed up bigtime and somethings cannot be forgiven no matter how much you want to make things right. On with life...
Vicki and I have improved our friendship greatly. I doubt we'll ever date because Vicki just... I dunno. It's not mine to speak of anyways and I wish I could help her but... I think, like Daren, she's happy how she is (or at least, comfortable) and who am I to force her to change just because I want her to? If she wants help, she knows I'm here. But it is good to have a best friend with whom I can spend time - for too long my closest friends have been too far away for me to have social contact with... that is highly frustrating I'll have you know.
Normalness. A word I don't like to use often because it implies conformity. I'll use it now though. What I want next in a relationship is something closer to normal. What I mean is that my entire life I've had relationships with either people who are dysfunctional, people with their own problems or people who live... nine to twelve hours away. As much as I like them, these relationships take a bit of a toll on me and I suppose I've reached my limit. What I really want to do now is have a relationship which is a bit more normal. James hit the nail on the head as always... there is nothing that can replace having somebody you can hold in your arms, talk to in person each day and snuggle with. A little normal in my life would be nice at the moment... I've had a long history of relationships which are just... they aren't bad. I don't mean to say they didn't have good things or that I didn't like/love the person I was with. It's just... I'm really tired of, say, the entire relationship taking place over MSN or being made to feel that I'm a horrible person or having to tiptoe around because I don't want to push her too fast. Normal is to be desired at this point in my life I feel... lol.
Well.. I can't think of much else to say, so I'm done for tonight. Perhaps more tomorrow while I wait for my mom to drive me to Kev/Vanessas so Daren and I can do stuff
*hugs to y'all*
~~ Dep ~~
Saturday, August 20, 2005
I suppose this makes it official now....
Out of all the people I know, the ones who know me best (in order) are Vicki who's known me for nine years (very near ten now); Daren who's been my best friend since... since... well since grade 10 lol. and Nicky who somehow understands me even though she doesn't live near here.
Nicky first pointed this out (what is to follow). Daren's been saying it for years and Vicki agreed when I told her and that I've been like this for a while. It's come from other people as well... but finally this makes it truly official.
My mother came to me on her own and told me this in her own words.
*sighs*
I will now layout the way she put it... probably the nicest especially compared to how I put it lol.
"You try too hard to please others and don't try to please yourself... you think too much of others happiness (especially your girlfriend) and not enough of your own and it's not healthy."
my way - "so you're saying I need to be more selfish, in a good way"
She tried very hard to avoid references to Courtney and Vicki but she couldn't help herself. I won't lie here... she thinks I went "overboard" in those relationships, especially the trips to Timmins - she thought T.O. was good though.
I personally think she's wrong a bit... I like going overboard a bit and sometimes you have to go overboard. But she's right in that I don't think of myself... and I need to. Lol, I hate to sound selfish but she's right. I have ignored too many things that made me feel bad, I have ignored the signs that people weren't willing to put in the effort needed to make these relationships work (I speak in general) and I ignored the negative feelings they cause within. I need to work on that. I think I'm getting better... lol hopefully I am.
But she's right. You're all right about me... I need to seriously think about my own happiness more and less about what would make other people happy - in the words of my mother, find a balance between the two.
God I'm an idiot.
I will defiantely consider seeing a counselor on this if I feel like I can't fix it on my own.
That's a wrap for revelations tonight people.
Drop me a line... I art bored.
~~ Rob ~~
Nicky first pointed this out (what is to follow). Daren's been saying it for years and Vicki agreed when I told her and that I've been like this for a while. It's come from other people as well... but finally this makes it truly official.
My mother came to me on her own and told me this in her own words.
*sighs*
I will now layout the way she put it... probably the nicest especially compared to how I put it lol.
"You try too hard to please others and don't try to please yourself... you think too much of others happiness (especially your girlfriend) and not enough of your own and it's not healthy."
my way - "so you're saying I need to be more selfish, in a good way"
She tried very hard to avoid references to Courtney and Vicki but she couldn't help herself. I won't lie here... she thinks I went "overboard" in those relationships, especially the trips to Timmins - she thought T.O. was good though.
I personally think she's wrong a bit... I like going overboard a bit and sometimes you have to go overboard. But she's right in that I don't think of myself... and I need to. Lol, I hate to sound selfish but she's right. I have ignored too many things that made me feel bad, I have ignored the signs that people weren't willing to put in the effort needed to make these relationships work (I speak in general) and I ignored the negative feelings they cause within. I need to work on that. I think I'm getting better... lol hopefully I am.
But she's right. You're all right about me... I need to seriously think about my own happiness more and less about what would make other people happy - in the words of my mother, find a balance between the two.
God I'm an idiot.
I will defiantely consider seeing a counselor on this if I feel like I can't fix it on my own.
That's a wrap for revelations tonight people.
Drop me a line... I art bored.
~~ Rob ~~
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Fall 2005
Cancel Red Alert - my big mess worked itself out. And I hate the college even more.
Here is my schedule for this semester (pretty sweet).
MONDAY
0900-0950 French (213)
1300-1350 Knowledge (265)
1400-1550 Mathematics for Computer Science (201)
TUESDAY
0800-0950 Programming I (265)
1000-1150 Programming I Lab (221)
1300-1450 Knowledge (213)
1500-1550 Mathematics (264)
1600-1650 Operating Systems (212)
WEDNESDAY
1000-1050 Web Programming I (266)
1100-1150 Programming I (265)
1300-1450 Operating Systems Lab (221)
1600-1650 French (163)
THURSDAY
1000-1050 Knowledge (246)
1100-1150 French (265)
1300-1550 Web Programming I Lab Class (221)
1600-1650 Mathematics (201)
FRIDAY
1000-1050 Mathematics (264)
1100-1150 Operating Systems (212)
1300-1350 Programming I (266)
1400-1450 Web Programming I (266)
I, once again, despise Tuesdays and love Mondays and Fridays. Wednesdays and Thursdays aren't so bad and I think I got a great schedule.
I still have preperations to make for tonight but I'll once again be leaving around 5-5:20PM instead of the noon I was thinking of leaving at.
*hugs to all*
Laterz
Here is my schedule for this semester (pretty sweet).
MONDAY
0900-0950 French (213)
1300-1350 Knowledge (265)
1400-1550 Mathematics for Computer Science (201)
TUESDAY
0800-0950 Programming I (265)
1000-1150 Programming I Lab (221)
1300-1450 Knowledge (213)
1500-1550 Mathematics (264)
1600-1650 Operating Systems (212)
WEDNESDAY
1000-1050 Web Programming I (266)
1100-1150 Programming I (265)
1300-1450 Operating Systems Lab (221)
1600-1650 French (163)
THURSDAY
1000-1050 Knowledge (246)
1100-1150 French (265)
1300-1550 Web Programming I Lab Class (221)
1600-1650 Mathematics (201)
FRIDAY
1000-1050 Mathematics (264)
1100-1150 Operating Systems (212)
1300-1350 Programming I (266)
1400-1450 Web Programming I (266)
I, once again, despise Tuesdays and love Mondays and Fridays. Wednesdays and Thursdays aren't so bad and I think I got a great schedule.
I still have preperations to make for tonight but I'll once again be leaving around 5-5:20PM instead of the noon I was thinking of leaving at.
*hugs to all*
Laterz
*massive headache*
and a massive screwup as only I can do things.
but we will pray I can resolve it all today... the consequences are too great for me not to resolve it.
other than that, my mood has been erratic as of late; I get periods of almost giddyness which can easily be turned into near-depression and it all depends on little things that happen in the world. I am, as usual, dealing with it as best I can.
Tonight should help, I'm going out to a club with a bunch of friends after PTY (and we will probably be making this a weekly thing as long as it doesn't interfere with my school).
So clear skies to y'all - I gotta get ready to go fix my mess.
- Dep
but we will pray I can resolve it all today... the consequences are too great for me not to resolve it.
other than that, my mood has been erratic as of late; I get periods of almost giddyness which can easily be turned into near-depression and it all depends on little things that happen in the world. I am, as usual, dealing with it as best I can.
Tonight should help, I'm going out to a club with a bunch of friends after PTY (and we will probably be making this a weekly thing as long as it doesn't interfere with my school).
So clear skies to y'all - I gotta get ready to go fix my mess.
- Dep
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Odd Dream
I am trying to pull details out of my mind because it was so vivid.
I've been having these dreams recently where six or eight tornados completely wipe out a town - sometimes I recognize it as Ottawa, sometimes it seems to be Timmins, sometimes it's a city completely foreign to me. This one began that way... with people I know dying but never me. Then it switched to me at some formal function in a hotel with some friends of mine. I remember something about thinking how I had screwed up my life and then looking out the window only to see a tornado form in front of me. Somehow I was knocked unconcious and I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine who I don't remember but I knew he was not who he appeared to be. This friend told me I could go back if I wanted to, with the knowledge and experiences I had now and fix the mistakes I had made. I must have accepted, because the next thing I remember is waking up at the age of 12, somewhere while in a hotel. I was on a school trip and we were taking the train out of there that morning... and this had happened in my past with no relation to my present. I remembered I had overslept and missed the train that morning as well... because everyone forgot about me there at the hotel. My parents had come and picked me up and that is exactly what they did here. I remember walking down the street of a city that I know was european and telling my dad "thanks for coming to pick me up again, dad" and when he gave me this odd look, I told him how this was the second time I was experiencing this and how I had all of my memories... or maybe I just thought that. Somehow from there I ended up in an airport or bus depot with my mother who knew everything, I was going somewhere and I had a very vivid image of a short, thin,black haired which was very fine (so fine she couldn't do anything with it), woman who looked exactly like Kat, except a younger Kat. (Note: The actual Kat is about 24-25 I believe making this Kat, in my dream if it really is her, about 18-19I would say). I remember telling my mom she must have been on her way to Quebec City... and I was somewhere else. I was at a party and I can't remember much of what went on there except I was spanking somebody and there was lots of drinking. Then I was at a large formal party. I saw, from another persons perspective, Jaz (who looked nothing like the real Jaz, she was a bit taller, face was completely different and I don't remember exactly what she looked like only that she didn't look like Jaz) talking with another person somewhere and then he went into the ballroom and Jaz went into the lounge. I came in and started talking to a friend at the door to the ballroom when Jaz came out and we sat and talked. And all I remember from that conversation is "you know someone will come grab you for a dance right?" which I thought to be incredibly odd. But then somebody did come and ask me to dance, the friend I had been talking with earlier gave me a nudge (as Jaz and I were sitting in front of the door and he had remained there) and said "Rob, somebody's asking for you" and I got up and saw a short beautiful woman with fine glasses wearing a green (light shade but not too light) dress who asked me to dance. She smiled at me all through out this and will continue smiling at me throughout the next while. I walked over to her (I knew her obviously), hugged her while putting our heads together, looking into her eyes; then we started to dancewalk over to the ballroom floor - the beat was something in six (you know, one two three four fix six, except it was slightly off... more like... six one two three four five; six one two three four five - you know with the emphasize on the sixth beat) it was waltzy and somehow I managed to dance quite well in my dream (especially for somebody who gets very little practice) and I remember thinking I never wanted this to stop - some guy behind me said "you know Rob you can enjoy yourself too" and I thought that incredibly odd as I was enjoying myself. Next thought, we're sitting behind a table, clapping and she's bending over to fix her shoe and comes up with this huge smile on her face... and then... I wake up with the tune of "You raise me up" playing in my head and it won't get out!
I, personally, remember very few of my dreams - and the few I do are very odd. This one has to take the prize of oddest dreams of all time however. And I fear I have done it injustice, because I know I have forgotten some parts... this however all seemed to flow together. There are other parts... I really can't remember them. I have a feeling they were important, but I can't remember... the feeling I got from them was like the feeling when I was 'unconcious' and talking with that friend of mine who was not what he seemed... something I remember very little about except I know something happened.
In any case... you have my dream.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Greetings
I've posted a poem... two actually since the last time I mentioned it on here. Take a look if you'd like.
I must however be off to preparing for my meeting tonight, ensure the laundry is done and such.
Mayhaps a furthur posting later tonight.
*hugs to everyone*
Laterz
Rob
I must however be off to preparing for my meeting tonight, ensure the laundry is done and such.
Mayhaps a furthur posting later tonight.
*hugs to everyone*
Laterz
Rob
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Wedding type dealy
First of all, a furthur congrats to Scott and Joanne who were happily married today at the Stonebridge Golf and Country Club. Scott, as some of you know, is my uncle, being my dad's half-brother (my dad's side is confusing on occasion).
There are photos - many photos. Hopefully none of me dancing as they did talk me into getting up onto the dance floor (And it takes a large amount of peer pressure to do that lol). But I have photos and will be posting them on my MSN space ASAP (as soon as I find the USB cable for the camera).
A furthur congrats to James and Tina (yes James aka 'Wind Raven' aka 'Knight of Swords' aka 'Chaos Childe') who are soon to be engaged and already have their first child together on the way. It is a high possibility that I may actually go to England for their wedding, time and money permitting.
I had a scary thought with my mom today. With Scott married and Jill married, I am the oldest single person in our family, with the exception of my mother's divorced brother Jim. Therefore the next wedding in the Turnbull family will be... mine!
Scary thought people. Good thing its at least a few years in the future lol.
So, as I said, I have many pictures of my entire family including me, the bride and groom and our extended family on my fathers side which will be uploaded to my MSN space. In addition to this, I have photos of my graduation that I just just found that will also be uploaded, along with possibly some shots from our vacation in Sandbanks, Ontario. Furthur shots from the wedding will be uploaded when we get a copy - I'll pick out the ones people might like to see.
But as, at the moment, my feet are in a lot of pain from a few hours of dancing (including a lot of Great Big Sea) I plan to rest for a bit, maybe drop in on Vicki for an hour or two, then go straight to bed. I'm still full of caffeine though!
The ceremony was touching - I liked it. It was a civil ceremony, outside in a gazebo next to a water trap - very beautiful. Brief - twenty minutes for the ceremony - and then we had an awesome party, awesome food and awesome music.
Lol - poor Ryan and Chris, they seemed so bored whilst sitting there with nothing to do.
The odd thing about our family is that my dad is about 15 years older than Scott so our whole family is offset a bit - it's because my parents were concieved at an early age and so were we, therefore my entire family is a decent 10-15 years off from my dad's family. My only cousin on my dads side was just born a year or two ago lol and my aunt and uncle are closer to my age than my dads. Leads to us, perhaps, having less people our age to talk to in their family, but we got along well enough.
In any case, I'll quit boring you with this and leave you to your thoughts.
Signing off
Dep
There are photos - many photos. Hopefully none of me dancing as they did talk me into getting up onto the dance floor (And it takes a large amount of peer pressure to do that lol). But I have photos and will be posting them on my MSN space ASAP (as soon as I find the USB cable for the camera).
A furthur congrats to James and Tina (yes James aka 'Wind Raven' aka 'Knight of Swords' aka 'Chaos Childe') who are soon to be engaged and already have their first child together on the way. It is a high possibility that I may actually go to England for their wedding, time and money permitting.
I had a scary thought with my mom today. With Scott married and Jill married, I am the oldest single person in our family, with the exception of my mother's divorced brother Jim. Therefore the next wedding in the Turnbull family will be... mine!
Scary thought people. Good thing its at least a few years in the future lol.
So, as I said, I have many pictures of my entire family including me, the bride and groom and our extended family on my fathers side which will be uploaded to my MSN space. In addition to this, I have photos of my graduation that I just just found that will also be uploaded, along with possibly some shots from our vacation in Sandbanks, Ontario. Furthur shots from the wedding will be uploaded when we get a copy - I'll pick out the ones people might like to see.
But as, at the moment, my feet are in a lot of pain from a few hours of dancing (including a lot of Great Big Sea) I plan to rest for a bit, maybe drop in on Vicki for an hour or two, then go straight to bed. I'm still full of caffeine though!
The ceremony was touching - I liked it. It was a civil ceremony, outside in a gazebo next to a water trap - very beautiful. Brief - twenty minutes for the ceremony - and then we had an awesome party, awesome food and awesome music.
Lol - poor Ryan and Chris, they seemed so bored whilst sitting there with nothing to do.
The odd thing about our family is that my dad is about 15 years older than Scott so our whole family is offset a bit - it's because my parents were concieved at an early age and so were we, therefore my entire family is a decent 10-15 years off from my dad's family. My only cousin on my dads side was just born a year or two ago lol and my aunt and uncle are closer to my age than my dads. Leads to us, perhaps, having less people our age to talk to in their family, but we got along well enough.
In any case, I'll quit boring you with this and leave you to your thoughts.
Signing off
Dep
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Old Poetry of mine
I was reading and I found one that hits my mood as of late exactly... it's almost like foreshadowing. I don't remember who I wrote this about, I believe it was one of my friends, but now I am talking to and about myself.
Fade Away
(October 2nd 2004)
Ever believe in a wisp of smoke
And the powers it can have
Only to have them snatched away
Or run through your fingers
Like sand in your hand
Impossible to hold
And no matter how hard you try
No matter what you try to believe
It's impossible to hold onto
Your wisp of smoke
Your fading dream
The sand
Running through your fingers
Slowly fading away
Help me, help me, I've lost it all
And the world's just going to fast
And nothing seems right anymore
Help me, I've forgotten how to love
They say that if you're in love
You can forgive anything
You'll sacrifice and give it your all
Never questioning why
So when questions run through your head
And everyone says you're wrong
What do you believe
What do you believe
Can you tell me now
Do you still believe
In your wisp of smoke
In your fading dream
When you can't hold on
And it's all fading away
Help me, help me, I've lost it all
And the world's just going to fast
And nothing seems right anymore
Help me, I've forgotten how to love
And there's nothing you can do
Nothing to hold on to anymore
It's all gone, taken by your despair
And there's nothing, only nothing
Nothing and nothing and nothing
Maybe then you'll realize
Just how much you had
And just how much you miss it all
The laughs, the love, the feelings
All gone now, like dust in the wind
And you're running on empty
On empty
Nothing's left
'Cause it's all faded away
Help me, help me, I've lost it all
And the world's just going to fast
And nothing seems right anymore
Help me, I've forgotten how to love
Maybe someday
You'll learn to love again
Learn to believe in these feelings
That are gone inside
Maybe someday
You'll feel joy again
And remember what a blue sky is
That you've never seen before
Maybe someday
You'll sing in happiness
Love and be loved
Smile for no other reason than her
Maybe someday, but until then
It all fades away
Help me, help me, I've lost it all
And the world's just going to fast
And nothing seems right anymore
Help me, I've forgotten how to love
Fade Away
(October 2nd 2004)
Ever believe in a wisp of smoke
And the powers it can have
Only to have them snatched away
Or run through your fingers
Like sand in your hand
Impossible to hold
And no matter how hard you try
No matter what you try to believe
It's impossible to hold onto
Your wisp of smoke
Your fading dream
The sand
Running through your fingers
Slowly fading away
Help me, help me, I've lost it all
And the world's just going to fast
And nothing seems right anymore
Help me, I've forgotten how to love
They say that if you're in love
You can forgive anything
You'll sacrifice and give it your all
Never questioning why
So when questions run through your head
And everyone says you're wrong
What do you believe
What do you believe
Can you tell me now
Do you still believe
In your wisp of smoke
In your fading dream
When you can't hold on
And it's all fading away
Help me, help me, I've lost it all
And the world's just going to fast
And nothing seems right anymore
Help me, I've forgotten how to love
And there's nothing you can do
Nothing to hold on to anymore
It's all gone, taken by your despair
And there's nothing, only nothing
Nothing and nothing and nothing
Maybe then you'll realize
Just how much you had
And just how much you miss it all
The laughs, the love, the feelings
All gone now, like dust in the wind
And you're running on empty
On empty
Nothing's left
'Cause it's all faded away
Help me, help me, I've lost it all
And the world's just going to fast
And nothing seems right anymore
Help me, I've forgotten how to love
Maybe someday
You'll learn to love again
Learn to believe in these feelings
That are gone inside
Maybe someday
You'll feel joy again
And remember what a blue sky is
That you've never seen before
Maybe someday
You'll sing in happiness
Love and be loved
Smile for no other reason than her
Maybe someday, but until then
It all fades away
Help me, help me, I've lost it all
And the world's just going to fast
And nothing seems right anymore
Help me, I've forgotten how to love
Reflections
If you've read a decent portion of what I've written, you'll know that I can write happy and sad. There are things like Pun Hell and the beginnings of Dawn which seem, to me, full of happy thoughts, of insane joyousness and my usual random bubbly personality when I'm hyper-happy. Then there are things like Dark Angel which reflect on the darkness and capability for misunderstanding that is a part of the human soul. And there are other things which are just pure sorrow. There are, in the end, an infinite number of moods in which I write, to match the infinite moods of human beings.
What, perhaps, some fail to understand is why. Why write about sadness, about sorrow? Why not write of the happy, joyous things in life all the time, giving myself the happy boost I need somedays? The bulk of my work is indeed sorrowful, though most have hopeful notes to them (not always the case). Why is this?
Pun Hell and Dawn were written during a very happy time of my life. They were projects built off of my mood and in doing so, they have taken on the characteristics of my mood then. Dark Angel and Starlight, Starbright were written during a very cynical time for me, when I truly believed there were no or at least very very few good people in the world. My work takes on the characteristics of the mood I am feeling at the time. In the case of poetry, this is easy to reconcil, there are (as you have no doubt noticed) some happy poems buried among the rest. Take 'Andarta' for instance, an insanely happy poem. Poems are short, it is what I like about them - it is easy to get my thoughts out, my feelings out and write something that expresses it all. Stories are longer. The reason I stop working on them is because the mood that is required for the story is no longer there. I stopped writting Pun Hell and Dawn twice for those reasons, though I have begun Pun Hell again (and work on it occasionally as my mood is very bipolar as of late). Dark Angel I wrote in a day, and I wrote Starlight, Starbright over the course of a weekend, thus this was less of a problem. This however is why most of my projects die - the mood that spawned them is gone or the feelings that created the ideas behind the story are gone. Dawn will never be finished by the way. The first chapter remains as it was first released, with some minor editting and I believe the second chapter is done as well. But I doubt it will go furthur.
But to return to the question - why write of sorrow and of sadness.
It is human nature to feel sorrow and sadness, along with joy. There is cause for both in many things, always a silver lining or a bright side to life. Some revel in the suffering, some revel in the joy. I revel in both, as they come and go depending on which one is stronger. I believe that to truly be human, we must accept the bad as well as the good - a life full of joy would have no reference to know what joy is. I write of sorrow and of sadness to express it, as a means of handling it. And I allow this to be seen because it too is a part of the human experience. There is no shame in feeling sad or crying. There is no shame in feeling a sense of loss or in missing someone you loved dearly. Let it flow, my friends, let it flow.
- Dep
