Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

You know, I have been a bit of an idiot lately. I remember saying at least two or three times "if you don't talk to me, I have to take that as a no." And she didn't talk to me except when I forced the issue. I've been an idiot since day one. I should have realized that her not talking about it was her avoiding the conflict of telling me "no" and taking the out that I gave her.

God I'm a moron.

Needless to say, with this in mind, I feel... a lot less guilty for trying to move on with my life. I know it's what she's wants for us now.

Ummm... my own little rant?

There are a lot of things in my head. Things that don't really matter now, but somehow I still think about them on occasion (or even frequently). I know that the conclusion I should come to is it doesn't matter so why waste my time thinking about it, but... I dunno. I just... find myself thinking "yeah this was one of the problems, this is how it affected me and how it could have been better" or "this is where I went wrong, this is how I could have been better". Overanalytical is what I'm being, Daren had it right and perhaps overly introspective. No matter how over the relationship is, I still find myself thinking about it and how we could have made it a better relationship in - one I would have been happier in. Not that I wasn't happy sometimes... but too often I felt lonely or leftout and I hate that feeling... I've had it all my life when rejected from groups or team events and in relationships it's just... just so negative, especially coming from somebody who loves you... and you know they do love you and you know that you want to be with them that you love them too... but it feels like they never have time for you or don't make the time for you. It's really about making the time... we only have so many hours in the day, in a week, in a month, in a year. You can't just take the time where it comes in the kind of relationship we had... you gotta make the time, even if it means pushing other things around; hurrying up on your schoolwork or not seeing your friends one weekend. I think I speak for most people when they say when they're dating somebody they want to be accepted by their family - for me being accepted by them is important because I know that, if things do go furthur, things go far smoother if the family likes you. Not only that, but it makes it easier to see the person you're dating because the family can make allowences and can plan. You don't have to hide things from them, which increases your options. Ditto your friends. And you know what? Lol, I want to be bragged about, like I brag about my girlfriend (and I do... anyone who remembers me back last Fall it was "Courtney this" and "Courtney that" constantly). And I mean brag as in... being proud you're dating - it's not something you hide, it's something a bit more open. Go on, shout it to the world. I want to get to know her close friends and to be accepted by them so we can do stuff together, in groups, instead of having seperate encounters.

I really don't want to get into specifics... not all of these apply, it's just my general sortof rant about stuff from all my past relationships. The specifics, as I said, don't matter as it's over!

-------

In completely other news, Pride is on Sunday and I am going! Woohoo! Waving flags and carrying the PTY banner in the parade - perhaps watch for me on TV.

What should I wear? I toyed with the idea of going in drag but I doubt I'd look good. Interesting idea though, perhaps next year once I've worked on it a bit more.

In any case, that's about it, I'm done for tongiht.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings thoughts and no offense was intended to anyone... it is, as I said, the random outpouring of thoughts from my brain.

more tomorrow.

*hugs to all*

~~ Dep ~~