Sunday, August 21, 2005
Back to school in two days!
Alright, alright, alright.
I'll update. Fine. Be that way.
School begins in about 33 hours. My first class is at 8 (horrid hour) am on Tuesday.
I'm going to go back in time, it's just easier that way.
Important events now...
Dude I'm getting a flash drive... this is so sweet. Goodbye emailing myself stuff...USB storage, here I come!
I have more anime to watch... a lot more. Inuyasha calls... along with Escaflowne. DAMN YOU VICKI FOR THIS ADDICTION! I'd damn you to hell, but you're already here. God I love fox demons... I love their ears... they are so cute...
Dancing on Wednesday will become a weekly event as long as Adam/Shannon/Tina are going or people I know from school... somehow I didn't feel comfortable dancing when no one I knew was there with me (they occasionally went off to sit down and do stuff).
Before that, big party... sad as one of the long time coordinators of PTY is leaving... it won't be the same without her. On the plus side we have Kyle as a coordinator, who's absolutely hilarious.
Poetry... is nonexistant as of late. Forgive me, my friends, but the mood has not been there to commit what I feel to words. Probably because I feel neutral a lot of the time, or even slightly happy. I'm looking forward to going back to school. Occasional down periods but they're happening less and less often now.
Tomorrow I'm going to Vanessas to meet up with Daren... he's going to help me with some stuff and we're going to play some Magic.
My dreams have been fucked up lately. I remember them and I remember people who were in them, the events and everything. It is vaguely disturbing as normally I remember nothing from my dreams except a general emotion of some sort. Having details means something is up. There's always a reason I remember things that reveals itself in time. Just have to wait.
Religion... goes well... nothing big happening in my spiritual life... I have not sensed the prescence of a spirit as strong as the one I felt in Timmins. I have noticed it happens a bit more often now... perhaps now that I actually have an explanation for it, I'm recognizing it more often. But I have also managed to disprove that it is a fear of the dark, which is what I was thinking for awhile. I have walked along the road up to my house (Goes past a cemetary) three times at about 1AM... all three times I thought seriously of White Noise the movie and other things... only one time did I feel an irrational sense of panic and fear in me. Since, in Timmins, I ventured forth plenty of times in the night without feeling anything near as strong, I can only assume it was actually a spirit.
Either that or I'm crazy.
Lol... if you want me to speak of my love life, then you're crazy. I don't know what's going on at the moment. I'm in a transition phase where I know I can't stay attached to Courtney and have interest in other people... but I have a sense of guilt for that as well, like I'm betraying her and proving her right about me. I know that I can't stay attached though because... well it's kindof obvious she doesn't want me back lol. She would have said something by now. Having nothing to suggest she wants me back... I won't make the mistake I made with Vicki and keep trying. She knows (at least I hope she knows by now) how I feel about her... but I also know that I screwed up bigtime and somethings cannot be forgiven no matter how much you want to make things right. On with life...
Vicki and I have improved our friendship greatly. I doubt we'll ever date because Vicki just... I dunno. It's not mine to speak of anyways and I wish I could help her but... I think, like Daren, she's happy how she is (or at least, comfortable) and who am I to force her to change just because I want her to? If she wants help, she knows I'm here. But it is good to have a best friend with whom I can spend time - for too long my closest friends have been too far away for me to have social contact with... that is highly frustrating I'll have you know.
Normalness. A word I don't like to use often because it implies conformity. I'll use it now though. What I want next in a relationship is something closer to normal. What I mean is that my entire life I've had relationships with either people who are dysfunctional, people with their own problems or people who live... nine to twelve hours away. As much as I like them, these relationships take a bit of a toll on me and I suppose I've reached my limit. What I really want to do now is have a relationship which is a bit more normal. James hit the nail on the head as always... there is nothing that can replace having somebody you can hold in your arms, talk to in person each day and snuggle with. A little normal in my life would be nice at the moment... I've had a long history of relationships which are just... they aren't bad. I don't mean to say they didn't have good things or that I didn't like/love the person I was with. It's just... I'm really tired of, say, the entire relationship taking place over MSN or being made to feel that I'm a horrible person or having to tiptoe around because I don't want to push her too fast. Normal is to be desired at this point in my life I feel... lol.
Well.. I can't think of much else to say, so I'm done for tonight. Perhaps more tomorrow while I wait for my mom to drive me to Kev/Vanessas so Daren and I can do stuff
*hugs to y'all*
~~ Dep ~~
I'll update. Fine. Be that way.
School begins in about 33 hours. My first class is at 8 (horrid hour) am on Tuesday.
I'm going to go back in time, it's just easier that way.
Important events now...
Dude I'm getting a flash drive... this is so sweet. Goodbye emailing myself stuff...USB storage, here I come!
I have more anime to watch... a lot more. Inuyasha calls... along with Escaflowne. DAMN YOU VICKI FOR THIS ADDICTION! I'd damn you to hell, but you're already here. God I love fox demons... I love their ears... they are so cute...
Dancing on Wednesday will become a weekly event as long as Adam/Shannon/Tina are going or people I know from school... somehow I didn't feel comfortable dancing when no one I knew was there with me (they occasionally went off to sit down and do stuff).
Before that, big party... sad as one of the long time coordinators of PTY is leaving... it won't be the same without her. On the plus side we have Kyle as a coordinator, who's absolutely hilarious.
Poetry... is nonexistant as of late. Forgive me, my friends, but the mood has not been there to commit what I feel to words. Probably because I feel neutral a lot of the time, or even slightly happy. I'm looking forward to going back to school. Occasional down periods but they're happening less and less often now.
Tomorrow I'm going to Vanessas to meet up with Daren... he's going to help me with some stuff and we're going to play some Magic.
My dreams have been fucked up lately. I remember them and I remember people who were in them, the events and everything. It is vaguely disturbing as normally I remember nothing from my dreams except a general emotion of some sort. Having details means something is up. There's always a reason I remember things that reveals itself in time. Just have to wait.
Religion... goes well... nothing big happening in my spiritual life... I have not sensed the prescence of a spirit as strong as the one I felt in Timmins. I have noticed it happens a bit more often now... perhaps now that I actually have an explanation for it, I'm recognizing it more often. But I have also managed to disprove that it is a fear of the dark, which is what I was thinking for awhile. I have walked along the road up to my house (Goes past a cemetary) three times at about 1AM... all three times I thought seriously of White Noise the movie and other things... only one time did I feel an irrational sense of panic and fear in me. Since, in Timmins, I ventured forth plenty of times in the night without feeling anything near as strong, I can only assume it was actually a spirit.
Either that or I'm crazy.
Lol... if you want me to speak of my love life, then you're crazy. I don't know what's going on at the moment. I'm in a transition phase where I know I can't stay attached to Courtney and have interest in other people... but I have a sense of guilt for that as well, like I'm betraying her and proving her right about me. I know that I can't stay attached though because... well it's kindof obvious she doesn't want me back lol. She would have said something by now. Having nothing to suggest she wants me back... I won't make the mistake I made with Vicki and keep trying. She knows (at least I hope she knows by now) how I feel about her... but I also know that I screwed up bigtime and somethings cannot be forgiven no matter how much you want to make things right. On with life...
Vicki and I have improved our friendship greatly. I doubt we'll ever date because Vicki just... I dunno. It's not mine to speak of anyways and I wish I could help her but... I think, like Daren, she's happy how she is (or at least, comfortable) and who am I to force her to change just because I want her to? If she wants help, she knows I'm here. But it is good to have a best friend with whom I can spend time - for too long my closest friends have been too far away for me to have social contact with... that is highly frustrating I'll have you know.
Normalness. A word I don't like to use often because it implies conformity. I'll use it now though. What I want next in a relationship is something closer to normal. What I mean is that my entire life I've had relationships with either people who are dysfunctional, people with their own problems or people who live... nine to twelve hours away. As much as I like them, these relationships take a bit of a toll on me and I suppose I've reached my limit. What I really want to do now is have a relationship which is a bit more normal. James hit the nail on the head as always... there is nothing that can replace having somebody you can hold in your arms, talk to in person each day and snuggle with. A little normal in my life would be nice at the moment... I've had a long history of relationships which are just... they aren't bad. I don't mean to say they didn't have good things or that I didn't like/love the person I was with. It's just... I'm really tired of, say, the entire relationship taking place over MSN or being made to feel that I'm a horrible person or having to tiptoe around because I don't want to push her too fast. Normal is to be desired at this point in my life I feel... lol.
Well.. I can't think of much else to say, so I'm done for tonight. Perhaps more tomorrow while I wait for my mom to drive me to Kev/Vanessas so Daren and I can do stuff
*hugs to y'all*
~~ Dep ~~
// posted by Dep @ 11:00:00 p.m.
