Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

Well I've posted in my private blog and I've even thrown up some new poetry which will be going on the website as soon as I'm done writing this.

Just going to let myself randomly babble now.

Ever been torn between paths? I am right now. See I like Goldie. I really like her, we've known each other for years, I know a lot about her. We get along alright, though sometimes I have difficulties talking to her about emotional things. And we're both twisted in a lot of the same ways (though I have to say this, she is the queen of twistedness.) So maybe she's insane... so what? I'm a touch insane, I have to be. Probably most of you are a touch insane as well. We differ on a few things... the major things being how much affection is too much and stuff like that. It's all about emotions really, with me being the more emotional one and she being the less emotional one. I'm willing to lower it a little bit on my part. Dunno about her, it's one of the things we have to talk about but have difficulty talking about.

Cursed hypermyopia

So Goldie and I have our difficulties but sometimes the difficult path leads to the best reward right? So I was going to go talk to her about these things (Those of you who've read my private blog know what things) and hope that she'll change her mind about showing her feelings. Perhaps a fool's hope but it was the best I had at the time. Now here's the problem.

I came back here and I discovered I still liked someone. She'll remain nameless for now, but suffice to say she's someone I really really like. We've got our problems too... the distance factor has to be considered. Goldie and I can walk to each others houses, that isn't possible here. (Hell biking isn't even a possibility here.)

So I've got a touch of a dilemna. I'm 90% certain that Goldie likes me. I don't even know if the other one likes me still.

In a perfect world, where anything is possible... I'd go with the other one. But we don't live in a perfect world. Anything may be possible but there are some things that are improbable.

*sigh*

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk this over with Scorpie and Scrabble when I see them next and figure out what the hell I'm going to do. Maybe I should just pick no one and wait 'til University to find a steady girlfriend.

Anyways, that's it for now. My ramblings about sex and traveling can wait for another day.

Later

yes, I am back for good this time. Well at least until next summer. So I suppose you want to know where I went, what I did and who I did it with?

The answer to the last question is no one. (lol)

Well first we spent two days driving to Shediac, NB. We stopped over night near Edmunston and stopped for lunch at my grandmother's house in Newcastle. We spent a week in a cottage in Shediac, doing the normal things, going to the beach, checking out the town, a little shopping spree in Moncton and going to see a movie on the day it rained (we saw the Bourne Supremacy, it could have been better).

After that we drove back to my grandmother's house and spent a week visiting with her. We played cards a lot of the time and went down to a beach that's about an hour away and has an native american name that I cannot pronounce. We also visited my... well it's kind of complicated. He would have been my step-grandfather (paternal, number two) but he got sick before the wedding. So I guess he's my step-grandfather everyway but legally. Anyways, we went to visit him in the hospital. He's got cancer. Started off as lung cancer, but it spread all over. He's holding hope that he'll live but... I hear different. The fact that my grandmother has his funeral all planned (down to the hymns) is not so encouraging. Seeing him in the hospital bed changed a few things in my mind. Not really sure what they were. I need time to let them sink in more.

Alright, less morbid stuff now. Cegep starts in two weeks. I'm excited about going back because I get to see the people that I don't normally see, like Tilly. 'Course I also get to see all the people I hate again, but meh. I generally just ignore those people. And hopefully they went off to John Abbott. Or better yet, failed.

The alumni site is coming along fine. We're up to 44 members now and I'm still hoping for more.

About Goldie now... well I'll leave that to my private blog.

So hope yous all are having an awesome summer and hope to see you in a few weeks.

Later guys. (and gals as I have been informed there are actually women who read this. Shocking.)

Alright. For those of you who heard that I was writing a new story, well I did but I think it's crap and therefore I won't be posting it as I had intended to do.

My plans for the rest of the summer go like this. Vacation starting soon followed by a month and a half of trying to get into shape before school starts again. Lots of biking and a few changes in my diet.

I've discovered that I cannot stand drinking Pepsi or Sprite in any quantities larger than a can. It just tastes disgusting to me now. The only soft drink I can still drink is A&W Rootbeer, so I guess I'm going to have to work on that one as well.

Alright, later all.

well I guess it was too good to be true. Goldie came back earlier than I was expecting and we talked about it last night. She said that she can't believe what happened happened and has sworn off alcohol for awhile. So I guess I'm back where I started.

Right now, I'm just trying to make the best of things. I'm reminding myself daily that I'm going to CEGEP next year, where I'll meet new people and find new opportunities and then soon after that comes university with even more new people and more new opportunities. My life is far from over. Just have to remember what patience is.

Anyways, that's about it for now. I've recently become addicted to the D&D DOS-based games again, so you may not see me online for a while. I intend to beat the whole series and I found a site with walkthroughs for the parts I have no clue on how to beat.

Later all.

finally... internet almost back up and working though MSN is still down and i don't know how much longer the internet will remain working (stupid spyware)

anyways, no new news today. I will be posting the poetry finally because I'm at home. It'll be on both my blog and my website (though my website won't be updated til later today, simply because I have to go rewrite parts of it.

alright, that's it for now. later all.

alright, I'm at scorpie's house right now, typing with their crapass keyboard. (it is so annoying). anyways, some more news i thought:

my dad has fucked up both computers now, so I have nothing to go on-line with at my house at the moment. (hence why I am posting this from kevins). If you need to talk to me, you've got my phone number.

still no news from goldie. she's leaving soon, so i'm not really expecting to talk to her until she gets back. (and when i get back if I do go on vacation).

Finally I went out and bought myself a grad present: a leather trench coat *drool*

anyways, dont know how much i'll be online guys, so i'll see you when I see you. I have my new poetry typed too, just need to get the internet to post it now. and Raven, could you send me an e-mail with ur reactions to Goldie plz? I'm curious what you think and i haven't seen you online in ages.

later all

I suppose some of you have been waiting on the edge of your seat for some news out of my small corner of the world. Well... there is no news.

She hasn't called me of this and I can't raise her at home when I call. The one time I've gotten through, she's been asleep. Go figure. I'm trying hard not to be paranoid about this, but I have moments where I fail. See, here's the thing.

Despite what some people thought they had finally shown me, I still like Vicki. (or Goldie as I now call her as she doesn't like Dark Angel). I like her a lot and now that I know what mistakes I've made in the past, I'm trying to fix them. Like poetry about her. Perhaps I should have learned from all the lessons of the past, but it took Freya knocking it into my head that it's obsessive and it scares people. Same with the stories. So no more poems or stories from me, at least not about people in specific. I've got a few more philosophical poems for the posting one of these days, maybe tomorrow if I have time. And I've got some ideas for a story going in my head, just got to work those out and apply them to paper. I also think that Goldie misinterpreted a few of my comments to mean that I wanted her and I to get married one day. Therefore I am going to be extra careful and make sure not one of those comments gets repeated and that no similar ones are made by me. I can't help it though. I'm only human and human's screw up sometimes. I'm probably going to make all new mistakes this time around, but as I said, that can't be helped. But back to me being paranoid for a moment... I dunno. She told me she was going to be really busy this week. This is probably what a rational person would think of first and just write it off to that. But not a paranoid one. No, I've got to go inventing all kinds of crazed excuses why she doesn't like me anymore. I've got to blame everything I did that weekend. And you know what? In the end, the rational person is probably right. Or there's some other innocent excuse why she didn't call me. But we aren't at the end are we?

So why am I so eager for her to call me? Because I found out I'm on vacation starting the day before she returns from hers and I want to get this settled before we have to spend three weeks apart from each other. Maybe it's a little obsessive, but it's me...

I'm hoping the relationship is going to go better this time. I think we communicate better now and I think she's less afraid of telling me things. That's really what I want her to do... trust me enough that she can tell me she likes me. Really likes me. Whichever it may be.

As for people who think this is going to turn into another obsession... let me be clear. The moment she says no or it's over, i'm going to ask her if she's sure and then that'll be it. This will be the fourth time around for us, or the fifth. My memory is actually kindof hazy about the period of time where her mom says the third (in her sequence) took place, so I really don't remember.

Anyways... that's about it for my blog for now. Will blog again once I get an answer, which I hope will be sooner rather than the two weeks away I suspect it might be. Later.

It's... oh right, it's Saturday... no... no thats not quite right... it must be Sunday. I will therefore proceed on the assumption that this is indeed Sunday and not like Monday or something.

(Yes I'm tired. Go ahead, laugh!)

So I guess various people have been wondering where I have been for the past two whole days, considering I dropped off the face of the planet. (And Scrabble, sorry I missed chatting to you last night, something came up).

Yeah, I was at a friends house for two days. It was fun. Lots and lots of fun (with a few moments of pain for the various fights... but whatever it was fun anyways).

I'm not quite so angry anymore at Andarta. I still feel angry at her for not telling me herself, but the past is the past and I'm going to look towards the future. (And at the moment, the immediate future looks somewhat brighter than one might think... more on that later, if it happens although I might privilage a few of you with some info about Goldie and I later today (if any of you lazy bums actually show up).)

So what does the rest of my summer hold? I actually do not know. Ask me later. At the moment there's going to be some work in there (I have to write my CV later tonight (that's a resume for you fully English "I don't speak french" people) and then go apply for a job or two, though I suspect I have the qualifications for one and the other is at a fast food place.). Girlfriends I won't comment on at the moment. However...

I do fully intend on having a movie day sometime this summer. It will be a Matrix/LOTR/RHPS marathon. (Which means it's going to run... oh lets see, about what 8 hours for Matrix, 10 for LOTR and about 2 for RHPS so about 20 hours total. Hmm. Might want to cut that down into just a LOTR marathon, followed by a Matrix/RHPS marathon another night. Or maybe an entire weekend (see I don't have any plans yet).) Anyways, it's churning around in my mind to do something like that this summer.

That's about it for now. Later all. (And if anyone from PWHS's graduating class of 2004 has NOT applied to join the site, GO THERE NOW. PWHS ALUMNI 2004 MSN GROUP

I'm sorry, my dear readers. I didn't post about something when it happened which maybe I should of. I just didn't feel like ranting and raving and getting pissed off and perhaps saying some things I didn't mean. Now that I'm sure I do mean them... it's time to say them.

On Tuesday I believe it was, perhaps Monday, my memory is getting fuzzy, I found out from one of my friends that Andarta was cheating on me. Since the Monday before we broke up. When I first heard about it, I was... hmm. A strange mood, a combination of depressed, downcast, angry, violent, betrayed, wanting to lash out, sad, enraged against the world and anything and everything similar to these previous feelings. I doubt Andarta reads my blog anymore after this, so I will feel free to speak freely (and even if she did, I would anyways).

I don't get angry that often. Those of you who know me, know this. You know I don't lash out in anger until I am really driven to it. You know I forgive trespasses perhaps too easily sometimes and that I'm incapable of carrying a grudge. You're about to see something new from me then if you believed all that.

I hate her. Her, who seemed so magical to me that evening in May, her who cheered me and brought light back into my life, her whom I dreamed of and desired more than I have ever desired anyone. Her whom I loved. For her, I saved every penny for a month and a half almost, to visit her. Instead of purchasing items which caught my eye, instead of indulging my wish to obtain new books, new music, new clothing, I saved. I lived on what my parents offered for a month and a half. I bought her (and I can tell you now of it, for it will never be given to her) the most expensive jewelry I could afford and though it only cost $131.70, for me that is a lot. I bought her a lovely white gold pendant in the shape of a heart with a blue stone in it on a white gold chain. For her I did this and now... I see my repayment. Betrayal.

For that is what it is. Don't try and put fancy words on it, don't try and explain it with distance. She left for someone else. The distance was merely an excuse.

And so now I hate her. More than I hate anyone, I hate her. More than I hate Megan for the awful things she's put in my head, more than I hate Jayson for what he's done, perhaps even more than I hate Dark Angel's father for what he's done. Were I able to hit her and not bound by my moral code and by distance, I would.

I hate her.

For what she's done, there can be no forgiveness. Not from me. I cannot forgive a liar... a backstabber. Had she come to me, told me there was someone else, someone closer in town whom she had feelings for, then yes I could forgive her. But for going behind my back? Never. Not in a thousand years, should I live that long.

I don't wish I didn't know however. I always want to know of such things, for from them I can know who I can trust and who I cannot. I thank the person who told me, and though it may be obvious who it is, I will not speak their name.

So now I face the future with bright eyes. Yes, I've been hurt and betrayed, but the wound will heal in time and I may have learned my lessons from it. The rage and anger I feel will pass and I will find someone one day to share a long, happy, exciting life with. Someone who is creative, someone who is intelligent, someone I can discuss philosophy with, someone I can argue with, someone I can do nothing but listen to music deep into the night with, someone to take moonlite walks with and someone I can trust to the ends of the Earth with all of my deep secrets and my life. But Andarta as much as I wanted her to be and as well as she fits that description (with the obvious exception of the last one) will not be that person.

Now I will leave off of that subject for a moment, and speak of my dreams.

One summer I wish to take a journey. I want to take a very special person with me (my girlfriend, when I have one) and visit this land in which I live. I want to see the Pacific, want to see the Rockies, the Praries, the tundra, the Atlantic. Want to visit Vieux Montreal, Calgary, Vancouver, Halifax and everything in between. (This actually may take many summers, I realize that.) I want to travel, see new things and new places. And I want to share them all with the special person I described above.

Alright, so for some actual good news perhaps.

Happy Canada Day everyone. Even though it's raining here, I wish you a happy one anyways.

My life goes well. I'm really hoping I get more people for the Alumni site as we're only at about 24 people out of a graduating class of 205 (about, not sure of the exact number).

The date for my "interview" with the people at Heritage has been set for August 13th, a Friday. Were I a more superstitious person, I might think that's a bad thing, but whatever. It's only a number. (It's at 1PM too... 1300. Frightning, no?)

I have many delightful and evil ideas for my campaign. Evil evil evil. Hehehe. (I so enjoy torturing their fictional characters). And if you're reading this guys, next gaming session is Sunday at the usual place. I'll make sure I send around an e-mail.

Alright, the food is ready and I've written enough for today. Oh one more thing.

I am planning on beginning another story, but rather than writing the whole thing out, I am going to do it chapter by chapter and post them on my website. Watch for that.

I also have a backlog of about 10 poems which I need to post on the site, so watch for those over the next few days (hopefully tomorrow).

I now return to my bacon pizza and Anne Rice's "Blood Canticle"

Farewell, my readers.