Thursday, November 27, 2003
tis thursday
i've been tearing myself apart today... not sure why. At some point later tonight I may type up my poems, but I've stopped posting them on the internet, just because tripod is really pissing me off. If you want them, just ask and I'll send them your way...
everybody, with the sole exception of dark nova, thinks i should talk to dark angel... so i am going to. Right moment, right place kind of thing...
I find myself thinking a lot about the times dark angel and I spent together... the good ones, where we'd lie with each other, holding each other tightly, watching a movie... doesn't matter which. Those moments... in the dark, with her warm body under me, or head on my shoulder or my head on her shoulder... those moments are what i want... with her again, now. I find myself looking at anything, little things, tiny things and they remind me of her... the smell of incense... my blue jean jacket... and her. "The worst way to love somebody is to sit next to them and know you cannot have them." My MSN names are, for the most part, true. I long to have those days back again, with her by my side. The world seemed a good place, there was nothing I couldn't do. Nothing seemed to matter anymore either. And then... in a flash, it was gone.And I found myself, alone, in the dark without my love. Where was my love...
Gone
And you wonder why I'm depressed
I was talking to myself today... not a good sign
anyways
What will happen when dark angel hears what i have to say, i do not know... I can only hope it is something good... for if it is not, i may lose her forever...
anyways, im done for now... there is so much more i want to say, but i dont know how, so i might be back later
everybody, with the sole exception of dark nova, thinks i should talk to dark angel... so i am going to. Right moment, right place kind of thing...
I find myself thinking a lot about the times dark angel and I spent together... the good ones, where we'd lie with each other, holding each other tightly, watching a movie... doesn't matter which. Those moments... in the dark, with her warm body under me, or head on my shoulder or my head on her shoulder... those moments are what i want... with her again, now. I find myself looking at anything, little things, tiny things and they remind me of her... the smell of incense... my blue jean jacket... and her. "The worst way to love somebody is to sit next to them and know you cannot have them." My MSN names are, for the most part, true. I long to have those days back again, with her by my side. The world seemed a good place, there was nothing I couldn't do. Nothing seemed to matter anymore either. And then... in a flash, it was gone.And I found myself, alone, in the dark without my love. Where was my love...
Gone
And you wonder why I'm depressed
I was talking to myself today... not a good sign
anyways
What will happen when dark angel hears what i have to say, i do not know... I can only hope it is something good... for if it is not, i may lose her forever...
anyways, im done for now... there is so much more i want to say, but i dont know how, so i might be back later
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
again, no title, it's 10:30 and im not thinking of one now
I've had time to think over the past few days... i'm not through yet but...
Well let's start with Dark Angel. Many people believe that her and I are a bad couple. The jokes and insults I get over that are becoming annoying, but I expect it. Hell, I get laughed at because I write this. They don't even have much of a reason and, having known her for a long time, I can't see a reason. Sure, she's dark, depressive and can kick everyones ass but who cares? She's intelligent and (don't tell her I called her this) goodlooking and mature... what more could I ask for?
People are stupid... they have just proven this yet again.
I have few problems with her... my main one is she keeps insulting me, but only because I act like a moron all the time... but thats just because... i dunno... i can act pretty stupid, just to get a laugh or to make people think im dumb, but really, i'm quite smart once you get me to stop doing that... anyways
could we work as a couple? I think so. I can't find a reason that would prevent me, at least, from dating her. And I have so many that encourage me. I have KoS and Freya telling me she probably still has feelings for me. I have myself thinking the same thing. And her and I are almost to the point I'd tell her anything... I need to be sure of one more thing.
That's the way it goes... yes I really don't open up to many people. I need to be sure about a lot of things, because so much about me is not-normal.
What is normal anyways? Normal is what the majority of the people on this planet are.
For example... Freya. Freya is one of my great friends. I have no qualms talking to her about my relationships, my feelings, my thoughts and my desires. I know Freya won't mock me, won't ignore me, won't laugh and dismiss my concerns. It's not trust it's knowing a person well enough to know you can tell them anything. But Dark Angel...? Who knows. I think she can handle it, but I do not know for sure. The test will come soon.
Scorpi can't handle it. I know she never reads this, so I feel safe mentioning it here. But Scorpi... can handle talking about my relationships with other people but not about my relationship (or the possibility of one) with her. *shrugs* some people are like that.
It's odd... isn't it? A pattern seems to be forming...
After Dark Angel and I broke up the first time, we waited a bit and then, completely naturally, we started doing stuff like holding hands while watching a movie, lying on each other and etc. Then we got together and the relationship was shit... barely saw her. Then we breakup and we're back to before, how I spent Saturday night... and I wanted to tell her then, but I didn't. *sigh* It will have to wait until next time. I had the urge to hug her and whisper in her ear "I love you".
I know why I didn't. You all know why. I'm afraid... yes afraid... I'm afraid of what she will say, for I know not. Yes I think she can handle it, Freya thinks she can handle it, KoS and Scorpi think she can handle it... but can she? To know is a difficult thing when speaking of a person. And the results, if it goes badly, could be disasterous... on the other hand, the results, if it goes well, could be enormous...
A big decision for me to make... and I've already made it. I will tell her.... that is certain. When and where and how are different questions. What comes afterwards is up to her, be it good or bad. And if it is bad, I will know she is not the one... and if it is good, I will know that she may be the one.
But before I set it in stone, I will speak with several people I know in furthur detail about this matter... Scorpi, perhaps Jess... Freya when I see her. KoS I already have.
My vision is doing that weird far away thing it does when i'm depressed...
If Dark Angel says the words "as a friend" I don't know what I'll do. Probably I'll keep on trying to fake that we're only friends... close intimate friends.
I love her.
I am going to now write a poem, then finish some work then off to bed
later.
I've had time to think over the past few days... i'm not through yet but...
Well let's start with Dark Angel. Many people believe that her and I are a bad couple. The jokes and insults I get over that are becoming annoying, but I expect it. Hell, I get laughed at because I write this. They don't even have much of a reason and, having known her for a long time, I can't see a reason. Sure, she's dark, depressive and can kick everyones ass but who cares? She's intelligent and (don't tell her I called her this) goodlooking and mature... what more could I ask for?
People are stupid... they have just proven this yet again.
I have few problems with her... my main one is she keeps insulting me, but only because I act like a moron all the time... but thats just because... i dunno... i can act pretty stupid, just to get a laugh or to make people think im dumb, but really, i'm quite smart once you get me to stop doing that... anyways
could we work as a couple? I think so. I can't find a reason that would prevent me, at least, from dating her. And I have so many that encourage me. I have KoS and Freya telling me she probably still has feelings for me. I have myself thinking the same thing. And her and I are almost to the point I'd tell her anything... I need to be sure of one more thing.
That's the way it goes... yes I really don't open up to many people. I need to be sure about a lot of things, because so much about me is not-normal.
What is normal anyways? Normal is what the majority of the people on this planet are.
For example... Freya. Freya is one of my great friends. I have no qualms talking to her about my relationships, my feelings, my thoughts and my desires. I know Freya won't mock me, won't ignore me, won't laugh and dismiss my concerns. It's not trust it's knowing a person well enough to know you can tell them anything. But Dark Angel...? Who knows. I think she can handle it, but I do not know for sure. The test will come soon.
Scorpi can't handle it. I know she never reads this, so I feel safe mentioning it here. But Scorpi... can handle talking about my relationships with other people but not about my relationship (or the possibility of one) with her. *shrugs* some people are like that.
It's odd... isn't it? A pattern seems to be forming...
After Dark Angel and I broke up the first time, we waited a bit and then, completely naturally, we started doing stuff like holding hands while watching a movie, lying on each other and etc. Then we got together and the relationship was shit... barely saw her. Then we breakup and we're back to before, how I spent Saturday night... and I wanted to tell her then, but I didn't. *sigh* It will have to wait until next time. I had the urge to hug her and whisper in her ear "I love you".
I know why I didn't. You all know why. I'm afraid... yes afraid... I'm afraid of what she will say, for I know not. Yes I think she can handle it, Freya thinks she can handle it, KoS and Scorpi think she can handle it... but can she? To know is a difficult thing when speaking of a person. And the results, if it goes badly, could be disasterous... on the other hand, the results, if it goes well, could be enormous...
A big decision for me to make... and I've already made it. I will tell her.... that is certain. When and where and how are different questions. What comes afterwards is up to her, be it good or bad. And if it is bad, I will know she is not the one... and if it is good, I will know that she may be the one.
But before I set it in stone, I will speak with several people I know in furthur detail about this matter... Scorpi, perhaps Jess... Freya when I see her. KoS I already have.
My vision is doing that weird far away thing it does when i'm depressed...
If Dark Angel says the words "as a friend" I don't know what I'll do. Probably I'll keep on trying to fake that we're only friends... close intimate friends.
I love her.
I am going to now write a poem, then finish some work then off to bed
later.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
title
no i'm not thinking of a title right now...
Scrabble and I had a conversation today and... well...
She thinks I should try very hard to move on from Dark Angel (No I haven't and it's been three weeks). She goes on about what a bitch she is and etc. And you know what? Sometimes, Dark Angel is a bitch. We all are at times, you can't help it. In Dark Angels case, I think she has the same character flaw that I do (not our only one but) that we tend to run and hide from problems in our personal life, rather than dealing with them. This is only a theory of mine, but I like it, it makes sense, it fits everything, there are no loose ends. And it's possible because it is exactly what I do, except I know that I do it. Why? Because thats the way I am. Maybe one of these days I'll change and who knows what I'll be, but for now, that is simply the way I am.
I honestly think that Dark Angel and I would make a great couple... but if she doesn't want to, then it won't work well will it?RElationships are never easy, you need to work at them to make them work, but the rewards are enourmous.
I regret never telling her I love her
She deserves to know right?
I realized it last night, it truely hit me...
"I am in love with her... no matter how badly she treats me sometimes, no matter how much she wants to be "just friends" and no matter what she thinks of me I am in love with her and there is no way I can stop."
No wonder I'm depressed tonight... I'm impossibly in love...
Scrabble thinks I should move on with my life and maybe she's right... but it's strange how it keeps coming back to Dark Angel after all these years. Incredibly odd.
I want her... she's intelligent and she's like me... in many ways. The similarities are really apparent now that I've had a few pointed out to me (thank you KoS).
But we cannot always be with the one we love can we? For whatever reason...
Unfortunatly this is true
Vicki... if you are reading this, and it is possible that you might, and if you aren't, perhaps someone will tell you about it, or perhaps I'll tell you one of these days... I love you. I wish I had said it last december, last september and last night, for it is the reason I become depressed for apparently no reason. It doesn't matter that Scrabble thinks i'm crazy for doing it, or what Steve thinks... all that matters is what I think about myself and I know it is right to love someone.
I know.
I know I wanted last night to last forever, as I have wanted all the ones similar to last forever. I know I never want to let go, even though I know I must. And I know that I will never find another person like you. And I know that I should be telling you this to your face instead of to a computer where only Freya and perhaps KoS will read it without laughing.
I know I love you
Love defies reason. I know sometimes you can be insenstive, I know you can be hard to love and I know I am the same way sometimes, most of the time even. Exterior apperences, created to cover the person inside. They worked too well and it's hard for me to turn them off.
Scrabble asked me earlier tonight what I wanted from you. You've asked me the same question and I'll give you an answer.
What I want... is simple. I don't want sex (though I'm not opposed to it) like most men do.I want love, at my young age. Yes, perhaps most people are too young to know what love is at my age,but I know there are a few and I'm fairly certain that you are one of them. MAybe I'm wrong... I can be. I want to be held and I want to kiss and I want to be close and I want you to understand that people make mistakes, and that will never change. I'm not a perdfect person, I make mistakes. The best we can do is tell the person that they've made a mistake and let them know how they can fix it. I want you to be more open and tell me about your life and the little things in it that you tell no one, and I will do the same. I want you to find a reason to live in me.
That's what I want... what do I expect? I expect nothing. I'm weird, I can want everything, a perfect relationship but I don't expect I'll get it. Life would never give me what I've always wanted. I'm willing to work for it, but I need to see a return on the work I put in.
I expect we'll remain friends for a bit, then drift apart eventually.
Not what I want
What I'll probably get
And now... you know why I'm depressed. Bloody me always being right about these things.
Scrabble and I had a conversation today and... well...
She thinks I should try very hard to move on from Dark Angel (No I haven't and it's been three weeks). She goes on about what a bitch she is and etc. And you know what? Sometimes, Dark Angel is a bitch. We all are at times, you can't help it. In Dark Angels case, I think she has the same character flaw that I do (not our only one but) that we tend to run and hide from problems in our personal life, rather than dealing with them. This is only a theory of mine, but I like it, it makes sense, it fits everything, there are no loose ends. And it's possible because it is exactly what I do, except I know that I do it. Why? Because thats the way I am. Maybe one of these days I'll change and who knows what I'll be, but for now, that is simply the way I am.
I honestly think that Dark Angel and I would make a great couple... but if she doesn't want to, then it won't work well will it?RElationships are never easy, you need to work at them to make them work, but the rewards are enourmous.
I regret never telling her I love her
She deserves to know right?
I realized it last night, it truely hit me...
"I am in love with her... no matter how badly she treats me sometimes, no matter how much she wants to be "just friends" and no matter what she thinks of me I am in love with her and there is no way I can stop."
No wonder I'm depressed tonight... I'm impossibly in love...
Scrabble thinks I should move on with my life and maybe she's right... but it's strange how it keeps coming back to Dark Angel after all these years. Incredibly odd.
I want her... she's intelligent and she's like me... in many ways. The similarities are really apparent now that I've had a few pointed out to me (thank you KoS).
But we cannot always be with the one we love can we? For whatever reason...
Unfortunatly this is true
Vicki... if you are reading this, and it is possible that you might, and if you aren't, perhaps someone will tell you about it, or perhaps I'll tell you one of these days... I love you. I wish I had said it last december, last september and last night, for it is the reason I become depressed for apparently no reason. It doesn't matter that Scrabble thinks i'm crazy for doing it, or what Steve thinks... all that matters is what I think about myself and I know it is right to love someone.
I know.
I know I wanted last night to last forever, as I have wanted all the ones similar to last forever. I know I never want to let go, even though I know I must. And I know that I will never find another person like you. And I know that I should be telling you this to your face instead of to a computer where only Freya and perhaps KoS will read it without laughing.
I know I love you
Love defies reason. I know sometimes you can be insenstive, I know you can be hard to love and I know I am the same way sometimes, most of the time even. Exterior apperences, created to cover the person inside. They worked too well and it's hard for me to turn them off.
Scrabble asked me earlier tonight what I wanted from you. You've asked me the same question and I'll give you an answer.
What I want... is simple. I don't want sex (though I'm not opposed to it) like most men do.I want love, at my young age. Yes, perhaps most people are too young to know what love is at my age,but I know there are a few and I'm fairly certain that you are one of them. MAybe I'm wrong... I can be. I want to be held and I want to kiss and I want to be close and I want you to understand that people make mistakes, and that will never change. I'm not a perdfect person, I make mistakes. The best we can do is tell the person that they've made a mistake and let them know how they can fix it. I want you to be more open and tell me about your life and the little things in it that you tell no one, and I will do the same. I want you to find a reason to live in me.
That's what I want... what do I expect? I expect nothing. I'm weird, I can want everything, a perfect relationship but I don't expect I'll get it. Life would never give me what I've always wanted. I'm willing to work for it, but I need to see a return on the work I put in.
I expect we'll remain friends for a bit, then drift apart eventually.
Not what I want
What I'll probably get
And now... you know why I'm depressed. Bloody me always being right about these things.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
crying
at least... that's what i feel like doing
unfortunatly, i cannot, as my lousy dumbass brothers are in the room... so i must be off to my room soon...
had a bowling tournement today... didnt win, but it doesnt matter...
saw dark angel yesterday... and it was okay for the first hour and then for some unexplicable reason i was reminded of our good times... sitting together on her couch... and i almost lost control. i've been in a down mood ever since... but apparently that helps my bowling, so...
anyways... later all...
unfortunatly, i cannot, as my lousy dumbass brothers are in the room... so i must be off to my room soon...
had a bowling tournement today... didnt win, but it doesnt matter...
saw dark angel yesterday... and it was okay for the first hour and then for some unexplicable reason i was reminded of our good times... sitting together on her couch... and i almost lost control. i've been in a down mood ever since... but apparently that helps my bowling, so...
anyways... later all...
Friday, November 14, 2003
It's really odd
Yes, I've finally returned to the world of blogging... *waits for cheers... finding none*
Recently I was reading a book (this morning in fact as I woke up at 4:30 and I couldn't get back to sleep) and I found this quote in the book (Anne Rice's "The Vampire Armand" if anyone is interested).
"And if or when she falls in love with a mortal man or mortal woman, I'll do what she wants me to do. I can live in the shadows. Doting on her, I can live forever in gloom because there is no gloom when I am near her."
think on it
today is slightly busy... going to the dungeon for noon to play cards with kingpin and talk with scorpi about her boyfriend (stupid dark nova... always being an ass :P)
Life continues much as it has, though I'm approaching the end of "The Vampire Armand". It's taken a few weeks, but I haven't been reading it as much as I usually do (stupid distractions).
I'm still posting poems, so check that out occasionally... I did one this week, so go look if you're interested.
Still need more sleep
Two day weeks are such a joy are they not? My only problem with 5-day weekends is that they leave me with a lot of spare time which drives me insane when I have nothing to do.
Dark nova.... is vexing me greatly. He spent... oh weeks talking about how he wanted to go out with scorpi... and now he's thinking about breaking up with her... in fact "99.836 (something i dont remember) % sure" in his own words. Odd... very very odd. But that's life for you
Scrabble's starting her movie today... or yesterday in fact. Will be interesting to watch, it's supposed to be such a stupid movie :P
Dark Angel... (yes I still call her that) has disappeared it seems, I only see her occasionally. She didnt make it to bowling last weekend.
heh... Scorpi lent me a romance novel she wants me to read "Kiss of the Highlander" or something like that... guess I'll have to indulge her and read it after I finish "The Vampire Armand".
move night at my place tomorrow, so I won't be around... sorry all :P though i hope y'all can come... especially roots kid who never goes (grr)
well i've run out of things to talk about...
so i guess i'll leave y'all with that and i'll ttyl
Recently I was reading a book (this morning in fact as I woke up at 4:30 and I couldn't get back to sleep) and I found this quote in the book (Anne Rice's "The Vampire Armand" if anyone is interested).
"And if or when she falls in love with a mortal man or mortal woman, I'll do what she wants me to do. I can live in the shadows. Doting on her, I can live forever in gloom because there is no gloom when I am near her."
think on it
today is slightly busy... going to the dungeon for noon to play cards with kingpin and talk with scorpi about her boyfriend (stupid dark nova... always being an ass :P)
Life continues much as it has, though I'm approaching the end of "The Vampire Armand". It's taken a few weeks, but I haven't been reading it as much as I usually do (stupid distractions).
I'm still posting poems, so check that out occasionally... I did one this week, so go look if you're interested.
Still need more sleep
Two day weeks are such a joy are they not? My only problem with 5-day weekends is that they leave me with a lot of spare time which drives me insane when I have nothing to do.
Dark nova.... is vexing me greatly. He spent... oh weeks talking about how he wanted to go out with scorpi... and now he's thinking about breaking up with her... in fact "99.836 (something i dont remember) % sure" in his own words. Odd... very very odd. But that's life for you
Scrabble's starting her movie today... or yesterday in fact. Will be interesting to watch, it's supposed to be such a stupid movie :P
Dark Angel... (yes I still call her that) has disappeared it seems, I only see her occasionally. She didnt make it to bowling last weekend.
heh... Scorpi lent me a romance novel she wants me to read "Kiss of the Highlander" or something like that... guess I'll have to indulge her and read it after I finish "The Vampire Armand".
move night at my place tomorrow, so I won't be around... sorry all :P though i hope y'all can come... especially roots kid who never goes (grr)
well i've run out of things to talk about...
so i guess i'll leave y'all with that and i'll ttyl
Sunday, November 09, 2003
well it's sunday
and i'm doing slightly better, only because i've gotten some sleep... though i have to go back to school tomorrow
you know, it's really perculiar... life that is. So many things that happen make no sense at all...
I spent... it must have been weeks getting daren a girlfriend... and now he's thinking of breaking up with her... it's not that i mind helping him, it's that he's back with another girl, and it looks like its going to go so well... then daren gets cold feet. Well the only way to get over cold feet is to stay in the water. (hey... thats pretty clever... have to remember that one).
As for myself... I find myself torn once more.
Life has let me know many people in the last year... and i fell in love with three. You know who you are... though I doubt two of you read this... (i know one of you does...). But...
Life has also prevented me from really loving any of them, as I should love one. For Dark Angel, this was her choice and I will accept it, no matter how angry it makes me feel. For Roots Kid (whom I know does not read this) well she's got a boyfriend. What more can I say? I don' t take people away from their boyfriends... for it is their choice not mine. As for the third... I saved her for last because, out of all three, she is the one I love the most and though I don't think I've ever told her, I'm certain she knows. I care about her... and I love her. She means so much to me, done so much and I hope she knows just how much she means to me. But... she deserves someone better than me... for I am here... and she is there. Who am I kidding... I want to be with her so badly... but I need to stay here... and most of all she's in love with someone more than me... in fact, I do not believe she is in love with me, merely that she cares about me a great deal.
So as you see... life mocks me. It places two perfect woman (I say two, because I no longer believe Dark Angel is perfect for me) in front of me, lets me fall in love and then yanks them away. THanks life, I really appreciate it *sarcasm*
As you can tell, I'm not inthe best of moods... i nthe words of Dark Nova, I need a girlfriend... but here's the problem...
Some people would call me picky... I would say more I am waiting for the right woman. Sure there are some people I think are hot... Scrabble for instance... but Scrabble... as mature as she can be at times ... isnt ready to be in a serious relationship. And all you people out there who say I should enjoy being single can kiss my ass, really. I can't enjoy being single, I cant find positive aspects about it that cant be enjoyed while being together in a couple either. (asides from casual sex but... 1) i dont enjoy casual sex
2) even if i did, i couldnt get any and
3) casual sex leads to STDs (sorry, needed a third)
some days I wonder if it is my fate to always meet these beautiful (yes Freya and Roots Kid you are beautiful), intelligent women, only to lose them to life. But... if it is my fate, there isnt much point in worrying about it right?
I'm such a hard person to love... I just realized it this week. You have to work hard to get me to show it somedays... I'm always afraid what you'll say... always afraid I'll lose you. (yeah, I'm whipped, I know.) But... Freya has me convinced that I am a good person... well not good, but good as in a person people should like... so I will have to go with that and just try and show it more often.
One last thing, before I go. The person... the third person I was talking about way back there when I was talking about people I fell in love with. I want you to know something... and I'm only going to say it... and if you want to discuss it, we can.... I still love you (in a romantic sense) and yes i know we should not be at this point in life, because of all the distance, but I still love you... and nothing, not time, nor distance can change my mind. (laugh it up moe, i know you are). Why? No one can explain love. Someday in the future... if we find ourselves single and in the same town, perhaps we can be... but I doubt that day will come. I couldn't be that lucky... I really couldn't. I hope it comes to past... but more than that I hope you are happy... so put your happiness ahead of mine and do what makes you happy, for I will not interfere. I just want you to know that, when you're rejected and feeling down, that someone out here loves you, cares abotu you and always will, as long as i can feel. It'll never change, and it hasnt since that day i realized i was in love with you... not even on that day when I wrote "Robbed of Perfection" did my love shake. But... I understand you want to be with someone else, not me, so go. I have suffered for years, yearsmore will do no harm. Indeed... perhaps... someday I will find someone for me.
you know, it's really perculiar... life that is. So many things that happen make no sense at all...
I spent... it must have been weeks getting daren a girlfriend... and now he's thinking of breaking up with her... it's not that i mind helping him, it's that he's back with another girl, and it looks like its going to go so well... then daren gets cold feet. Well the only way to get over cold feet is to stay in the water. (hey... thats pretty clever... have to remember that one).
As for myself... I find myself torn once more.
Life has let me know many people in the last year... and i fell in love with three. You know who you are... though I doubt two of you read this... (i know one of you does...). But...
Life has also prevented me from really loving any of them, as I should love one. For Dark Angel, this was her choice and I will accept it, no matter how angry it makes me feel. For Roots Kid (whom I know does not read this) well she's got a boyfriend. What more can I say? I don' t take people away from their boyfriends... for it is their choice not mine. As for the third... I saved her for last because, out of all three, she is the one I love the most and though I don't think I've ever told her, I'm certain she knows. I care about her... and I love her. She means so much to me, done so much and I hope she knows just how much she means to me. But... she deserves someone better than me... for I am here... and she is there. Who am I kidding... I want to be with her so badly... but I need to stay here... and most of all she's in love with someone more than me... in fact, I do not believe she is in love with me, merely that she cares about me a great deal.
So as you see... life mocks me. It places two perfect woman (I say two, because I no longer believe Dark Angel is perfect for me) in front of me, lets me fall in love and then yanks them away. THanks life, I really appreciate it *sarcasm*
As you can tell, I'm not inthe best of moods... i nthe words of Dark Nova, I need a girlfriend... but here's the problem...
Some people would call me picky... I would say more I am waiting for the right woman. Sure there are some people I think are hot... Scrabble for instance... but Scrabble... as mature as she can be at times ... isnt ready to be in a serious relationship. And all you people out there who say I should enjoy being single can kiss my ass, really. I can't enjoy being single, I cant find positive aspects about it that cant be enjoyed while being together in a couple either. (asides from casual sex but... 1) i dont enjoy casual sex
2) even if i did, i couldnt get any and
3) casual sex leads to STDs (sorry, needed a third)
some days I wonder if it is my fate to always meet these beautiful (yes Freya and Roots Kid you are beautiful), intelligent women, only to lose them to life. But... if it is my fate, there isnt much point in worrying about it right?
I'm such a hard person to love... I just realized it this week. You have to work hard to get me to show it somedays... I'm always afraid what you'll say... always afraid I'll lose you. (yeah, I'm whipped, I know.) But... Freya has me convinced that I am a good person... well not good, but good as in a person people should like... so I will have to go with that and just try and show it more often.
One last thing, before I go. The person... the third person I was talking about way back there when I was talking about people I fell in love with. I want you to know something... and I'm only going to say it... and if you want to discuss it, we can.... I still love you (in a romantic sense) and yes i know we should not be at this point in life, because of all the distance, but I still love you... and nothing, not time, nor distance can change my mind. (laugh it up moe, i know you are). Why? No one can explain love. Someday in the future... if we find ourselves single and in the same town, perhaps we can be... but I doubt that day will come. I couldn't be that lucky... I really couldn't. I hope it comes to past... but more than that I hope you are happy... so put your happiness ahead of mine and do what makes you happy, for I will not interfere. I just want you to know that, when you're rejected and feeling down, that someone out here loves you, cares abotu you and always will, as long as i can feel. It'll never change, and it hasnt since that day i realized i was in love with you... not even on that day when I wrote "Robbed of Perfection" did my love shake. But... I understand you want to be with someone else, not me, so go. I have suffered for years, yearsmore will do no harm. Indeed... perhaps... someday I will find someone for me.
Friday, November 07, 2003
friday
after having got no sleep last night, i went through today half asleep, until about lunch, where I became more awake that i've ever been. it's odd, but i guess it's normal.
im going to see Matrix III tonight, followed by which I will probably go home and sleep.
Freya, we'll talk tomorrow, unless you want to have a conversation through email.
im going to see Matrix III tonight, followed by which I will probably go home and sleep.
Freya, we'll talk tomorrow, unless you want to have a conversation through email.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
french orals
i have no clue what mark i got, but i didnt fail.
I'm battling depression and trying to move on from Dark Angel. The problem is, everytime I begin to move away, I feel like I'm betraying my love for her... and I do love her, that's the problem. It'll come in time... someone else as a girlfriend will help. Who, I don't know... the few people I actually like enough to have as a girlfriend are taken or dont like me in that way. OH well.
That's about it for today. Hope y'all enjoyed my poetry
I'm battling depression and trying to move on from Dark Angel. The problem is, everytime I begin to move away, I feel like I'm betraying my love for her... and I do love her, that's the problem. It'll come in time... someone else as a girlfriend will help. Who, I don't know... the few people I actually like enough to have as a girlfriend are taken or dont like me in that way. OH well.
That's about it for today. Hope y'all enjoyed my poetry
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
wendsday already
joy *sarcasme*
just told freya i dont know if we'll talk tonight... i have a lot of english homework... have to finish a rough draft of something, then work on faking a rough draft of a story i've already written (i'm taking parts of Starlight, starbright and turning them into a narrative essay, merely because I am bored out of my skull and I couldn't think of anything to write about that would take... 2 hours. Anyways, I've got to do this all for tomorrow, so sleep may be a non-existant thing for me.
*sigh*
Today I talked with a friend of mine on the bus, we met over the summer. And I was deep in my own problems, and I didn't do a good job being sympathetic (sometimes I have a problem with that... stupid trees blocking the forest) well I know she doesn't read this, but for all of you, if you ever need a helping hand, you've got my number/email address.
Life is really beginning to get me down as of late... I bitched at my band director today, yelled at a lot of people and then, later, i was in a worse mood... i just stopped talking to everyone except my friend on the bus.
I swear, life is mocking me. Life keeps letting me meet and know these great and interesting people who I would love to have as a girlfriend... then takes them away from me. (yes the girl on the bus is one of these people - the rest of you know who you are.) *sigh* stupid life
Dark Nova and his new girlfriend (Who I will call Scorpi) are doing good... though I think I need to have a chat with her... I don't think she understands dark nova completely yet. Anyways, good luck with that DDM if you're reading this.
see y'all later (read my poetry --->)
just told freya i dont know if we'll talk tonight... i have a lot of english homework... have to finish a rough draft of something, then work on faking a rough draft of a story i've already written (i'm taking parts of Starlight, starbright and turning them into a narrative essay, merely because I am bored out of my skull and I couldn't think of anything to write about that would take... 2 hours. Anyways, I've got to do this all for tomorrow, so sleep may be a non-existant thing for me.
*sigh*
Today I talked with a friend of mine on the bus, we met over the summer. And I was deep in my own problems, and I didn't do a good job being sympathetic (sometimes I have a problem with that... stupid trees blocking the forest) well I know she doesn't read this, but for all of you, if you ever need a helping hand, you've got my number/email address.
Life is really beginning to get me down as of late... I bitched at my band director today, yelled at a lot of people and then, later, i was in a worse mood... i just stopped talking to everyone except my friend on the bus.
I swear, life is mocking me. Life keeps letting me meet and know these great and interesting people who I would love to have as a girlfriend... then takes them away from me. (yes the girl on the bus is one of these people - the rest of you know who you are.) *sigh* stupid life
Dark Nova and his new girlfriend (Who I will call Scorpi) are doing good... though I think I need to have a chat with her... I don't think she understands dark nova completely yet. Anyways, good luck with that DDM if you're reading this.
see y'all later (read my poetry --->)
Saturday, November 01, 2003
as is made obvious by my prescence here
dark angel and I are not together today... nor will we be ever again.
yes, she broke up with me again and I have decided this is the last time, unless she asks me, which I doubt she will. Even then, it would take a little bit of thinking before I decided I'd say yes, for she has a problem with talking about her problems apparently (if you want more on this topic, talk to me online)
later all
yes, she broke up with me again and I have decided this is the last time, unless she asks me, which I doubt she will. Even then, it would take a little bit of thinking before I decided I'd say yes, for she has a problem with talking about her problems apparently (if you want more on this topic, talk to me online)
later all
*half-asleep*
Well, I see I haven't blogged since Tuesday... and I don't think I've been online in two days, so lets see...
Wendsday...
dark angel didn't show up at school (I always look for her) but I figured she was just tired, over slept or something. School was boring... nearly put me to sleep, but that's school for you. I had band after school, and when I got home, I just went to sleep, I was so tired (still haven't caught up on all my sleep)
Thursday...
no dark angel again... school boring as usual... after school I came straight home and worked all night on homework.
Friday (Halloween)
no dark angel and school is boring... after school, I went to see Rocky Horror at the Mayfair... :D that was fun. Came home, went right to sleep. (I was Neo for Halloween, if anyone cares... stole a friends trench coat and I had my own sunglasses.)
So... today... I have bowling in about an hour and a half (until I have to get ready... have to shave, shower.)
And about Dark Angel... well... I hope we can spend some time together... it's been, what? a long long time since we've spent a night together, and, frankly, I really miss it. I miss being close to her... but hopefully I will be able to today.
Later
Wendsday...
dark angel didn't show up at school (I always look for her) but I figured she was just tired, over slept or something. School was boring... nearly put me to sleep, but that's school for you. I had band after school, and when I got home, I just went to sleep, I was so tired (still haven't caught up on all my sleep)
Thursday...
no dark angel again... school boring as usual... after school I came straight home and worked all night on homework.
Friday (Halloween)
no dark angel and school is boring... after school, I went to see Rocky Horror at the Mayfair... :D that was fun. Came home, went right to sleep. (I was Neo for Halloween, if anyone cares... stole a friends trench coat and I had my own sunglasses.)
So... today... I have bowling in about an hour and a half (until I have to get ready... have to shave, shower.)
And about Dark Angel... well... I hope we can spend some time together... it's been, what? a long long time since we've spent a night together, and, frankly, I really miss it. I miss being close to her... but hopefully I will be able to today.
Later
