Sunday, November 09, 2003
well it's sunday
and i'm doing slightly better, only because i've gotten some sleep... though i have to go back to school tomorrow
you know, it's really perculiar... life that is. So many things that happen make no sense at all...
I spent... it must have been weeks getting daren a girlfriend... and now he's thinking of breaking up with her... it's not that i mind helping him, it's that he's back with another girl, and it looks like its going to go so well... then daren gets cold feet. Well the only way to get over cold feet is to stay in the water. (hey... thats pretty clever... have to remember that one).
As for myself... I find myself torn once more.
Life has let me know many people in the last year... and i fell in love with three. You know who you are... though I doubt two of you read this... (i know one of you does...). But...
Life has also prevented me from really loving any of them, as I should love one. For Dark Angel, this was her choice and I will accept it, no matter how angry it makes me feel. For Roots Kid (whom I know does not read this) well she's got a boyfriend. What more can I say? I don' t take people away from their boyfriends... for it is their choice not mine. As for the third... I saved her for last because, out of all three, she is the one I love the most and though I don't think I've ever told her, I'm certain she knows. I care about her... and I love her. She means so much to me, done so much and I hope she knows just how much she means to me. But... she deserves someone better than me... for I am here... and she is there. Who am I kidding... I want to be with her so badly... but I need to stay here... and most of all she's in love with someone more than me... in fact, I do not believe she is in love with me, merely that she cares about me a great deal.
So as you see... life mocks me. It places two perfect woman (I say two, because I no longer believe Dark Angel is perfect for me) in front of me, lets me fall in love and then yanks them away. THanks life, I really appreciate it *sarcasm*
As you can tell, I'm not inthe best of moods... i nthe words of Dark Nova, I need a girlfriend... but here's the problem...
Some people would call me picky... I would say more I am waiting for the right woman. Sure there are some people I think are hot... Scrabble for instance... but Scrabble... as mature as she can be at times ... isnt ready to be in a serious relationship. And all you people out there who say I should enjoy being single can kiss my ass, really. I can't enjoy being single, I cant find positive aspects about it that cant be enjoyed while being together in a couple either. (asides from casual sex but... 1) i dont enjoy casual sex
2) even if i did, i couldnt get any and
3) casual sex leads to STDs (sorry, needed a third)
some days I wonder if it is my fate to always meet these beautiful (yes Freya and Roots Kid you are beautiful), intelligent women, only to lose them to life. But... if it is my fate, there isnt much point in worrying about it right?
I'm such a hard person to love... I just realized it this week. You have to work hard to get me to show it somedays... I'm always afraid what you'll say... always afraid I'll lose you. (yeah, I'm whipped, I know.) But... Freya has me convinced that I am a good person... well not good, but good as in a person people should like... so I will have to go with that and just try and show it more often.
One last thing, before I go. The person... the third person I was talking about way back there when I was talking about people I fell in love with. I want you to know something... and I'm only going to say it... and if you want to discuss it, we can.... I still love you (in a romantic sense) and yes i know we should not be at this point in life, because of all the distance, but I still love you... and nothing, not time, nor distance can change my mind. (laugh it up moe, i know you are). Why? No one can explain love. Someday in the future... if we find ourselves single and in the same town, perhaps we can be... but I doubt that day will come. I couldn't be that lucky... I really couldn't. I hope it comes to past... but more than that I hope you are happy... so put your happiness ahead of mine and do what makes you happy, for I will not interfere. I just want you to know that, when you're rejected and feeling down, that someone out here loves you, cares abotu you and always will, as long as i can feel. It'll never change, and it hasnt since that day i realized i was in love with you... not even on that day when I wrote "Robbed of Perfection" did my love shake. But... I understand you want to be with someone else, not me, so go. I have suffered for years, yearsmore will do no harm. Indeed... perhaps... someday I will find someone for me.
you know, it's really perculiar... life that is. So many things that happen make no sense at all...
I spent... it must have been weeks getting daren a girlfriend... and now he's thinking of breaking up with her... it's not that i mind helping him, it's that he's back with another girl, and it looks like its going to go so well... then daren gets cold feet. Well the only way to get over cold feet is to stay in the water. (hey... thats pretty clever... have to remember that one).
As for myself... I find myself torn once more.
Life has let me know many people in the last year... and i fell in love with three. You know who you are... though I doubt two of you read this... (i know one of you does...). But...
Life has also prevented me from really loving any of them, as I should love one. For Dark Angel, this was her choice and I will accept it, no matter how angry it makes me feel. For Roots Kid (whom I know does not read this) well she's got a boyfriend. What more can I say? I don' t take people away from their boyfriends... for it is their choice not mine. As for the third... I saved her for last because, out of all three, she is the one I love the most and though I don't think I've ever told her, I'm certain she knows. I care about her... and I love her. She means so much to me, done so much and I hope she knows just how much she means to me. But... she deserves someone better than me... for I am here... and she is there. Who am I kidding... I want to be with her so badly... but I need to stay here... and most of all she's in love with someone more than me... in fact, I do not believe she is in love with me, merely that she cares about me a great deal.
So as you see... life mocks me. It places two perfect woman (I say two, because I no longer believe Dark Angel is perfect for me) in front of me, lets me fall in love and then yanks them away. THanks life, I really appreciate it *sarcasm*
As you can tell, I'm not inthe best of moods... i nthe words of Dark Nova, I need a girlfriend... but here's the problem...
Some people would call me picky... I would say more I am waiting for the right woman. Sure there are some people I think are hot... Scrabble for instance... but Scrabble... as mature as she can be at times ... isnt ready to be in a serious relationship. And all you people out there who say I should enjoy being single can kiss my ass, really. I can't enjoy being single, I cant find positive aspects about it that cant be enjoyed while being together in a couple either. (asides from casual sex but... 1) i dont enjoy casual sex
2) even if i did, i couldnt get any and
3) casual sex leads to STDs (sorry, needed a third)
some days I wonder if it is my fate to always meet these beautiful (yes Freya and Roots Kid you are beautiful), intelligent women, only to lose them to life. But... if it is my fate, there isnt much point in worrying about it right?
I'm such a hard person to love... I just realized it this week. You have to work hard to get me to show it somedays... I'm always afraid what you'll say... always afraid I'll lose you. (yeah, I'm whipped, I know.) But... Freya has me convinced that I am a good person... well not good, but good as in a person people should like... so I will have to go with that and just try and show it more often.
One last thing, before I go. The person... the third person I was talking about way back there when I was talking about people I fell in love with. I want you to know something... and I'm only going to say it... and if you want to discuss it, we can.... I still love you (in a romantic sense) and yes i know we should not be at this point in life, because of all the distance, but I still love you... and nothing, not time, nor distance can change my mind. (laugh it up moe, i know you are). Why? No one can explain love. Someday in the future... if we find ourselves single and in the same town, perhaps we can be... but I doubt that day will come. I couldn't be that lucky... I really couldn't. I hope it comes to past... but more than that I hope you are happy... so put your happiness ahead of mine and do what makes you happy, for I will not interfere. I just want you to know that, when you're rejected and feeling down, that someone out here loves you, cares abotu you and always will, as long as i can feel. It'll never change, and it hasnt since that day i realized i was in love with you... not even on that day when I wrote "Robbed of Perfection" did my love shake. But... I understand you want to be with someone else, not me, so go. I have suffered for years, yearsmore will do no harm. Indeed... perhaps... someday I will find someone for me.
// posted by Dep @ 8:03:00 p.m.
