Wednesday, November 26, 2003
again, no title, it's 10:30 and im not thinking of one now
I've had time to think over the past few days... i'm not through yet but...
Well let's start with Dark Angel. Many people believe that her and I are a bad couple. The jokes and insults I get over that are becoming annoying, but I expect it. Hell, I get laughed at because I write this. They don't even have much of a reason and, having known her for a long time, I can't see a reason. Sure, she's dark, depressive and can kick everyones ass but who cares? She's intelligent and (don't tell her I called her this) goodlooking and mature... what more could I ask for?
People are stupid... they have just proven this yet again.
I have few problems with her... my main one is she keeps insulting me, but only because I act like a moron all the time... but thats just because... i dunno... i can act pretty stupid, just to get a laugh or to make people think im dumb, but really, i'm quite smart once you get me to stop doing that... anyways
could we work as a couple? I think so. I can't find a reason that would prevent me, at least, from dating her. And I have so many that encourage me. I have KoS and Freya telling me she probably still has feelings for me. I have myself thinking the same thing. And her and I are almost to the point I'd tell her anything... I need to be sure of one more thing.
That's the way it goes... yes I really don't open up to many people. I need to be sure about a lot of things, because so much about me is not-normal.
What is normal anyways? Normal is what the majority of the people on this planet are.
For example... Freya. Freya is one of my great friends. I have no qualms talking to her about my relationships, my feelings, my thoughts and my desires. I know Freya won't mock me, won't ignore me, won't laugh and dismiss my concerns. It's not trust it's knowing a person well enough to know you can tell them anything. But Dark Angel...? Who knows. I think she can handle it, but I do not know for sure. The test will come soon.
Scorpi can't handle it. I know she never reads this, so I feel safe mentioning it here. But Scorpi... can handle talking about my relationships with other people but not about my relationship (or the possibility of one) with her. *shrugs* some people are like that.
It's odd... isn't it? A pattern seems to be forming...
After Dark Angel and I broke up the first time, we waited a bit and then, completely naturally, we started doing stuff like holding hands while watching a movie, lying on each other and etc. Then we got together and the relationship was shit... barely saw her. Then we breakup and we're back to before, how I spent Saturday night... and I wanted to tell her then, but I didn't. *sigh* It will have to wait until next time. I had the urge to hug her and whisper in her ear "I love you".
I know why I didn't. You all know why. I'm afraid... yes afraid... I'm afraid of what she will say, for I know not. Yes I think she can handle it, Freya thinks she can handle it, KoS and Scorpi think she can handle it... but can she? To know is a difficult thing when speaking of a person. And the results, if it goes badly, could be disasterous... on the other hand, the results, if it goes well, could be enormous...
A big decision for me to make... and I've already made it. I will tell her.... that is certain. When and where and how are different questions. What comes afterwards is up to her, be it good or bad. And if it is bad, I will know she is not the one... and if it is good, I will know that she may be the one.
But before I set it in stone, I will speak with several people I know in furthur detail about this matter... Scorpi, perhaps Jess... Freya when I see her. KoS I already have.
My vision is doing that weird far away thing it does when i'm depressed...
If Dark Angel says the words "as a friend" I don't know what I'll do. Probably I'll keep on trying to fake that we're only friends... close intimate friends.
I love her.
I am going to now write a poem, then finish some work then off to bed
later.
I've had time to think over the past few days... i'm not through yet but...
Well let's start with Dark Angel. Many people believe that her and I are a bad couple. The jokes and insults I get over that are becoming annoying, but I expect it. Hell, I get laughed at because I write this. They don't even have much of a reason and, having known her for a long time, I can't see a reason. Sure, she's dark, depressive and can kick everyones ass but who cares? She's intelligent and (don't tell her I called her this) goodlooking and mature... what more could I ask for?
People are stupid... they have just proven this yet again.
I have few problems with her... my main one is she keeps insulting me, but only because I act like a moron all the time... but thats just because... i dunno... i can act pretty stupid, just to get a laugh or to make people think im dumb, but really, i'm quite smart once you get me to stop doing that... anyways
could we work as a couple? I think so. I can't find a reason that would prevent me, at least, from dating her. And I have so many that encourage me. I have KoS and Freya telling me she probably still has feelings for me. I have myself thinking the same thing. And her and I are almost to the point I'd tell her anything... I need to be sure of one more thing.
That's the way it goes... yes I really don't open up to many people. I need to be sure about a lot of things, because so much about me is not-normal.
What is normal anyways? Normal is what the majority of the people on this planet are.
For example... Freya. Freya is one of my great friends. I have no qualms talking to her about my relationships, my feelings, my thoughts and my desires. I know Freya won't mock me, won't ignore me, won't laugh and dismiss my concerns. It's not trust it's knowing a person well enough to know you can tell them anything. But Dark Angel...? Who knows. I think she can handle it, but I do not know for sure. The test will come soon.
Scorpi can't handle it. I know she never reads this, so I feel safe mentioning it here. But Scorpi... can handle talking about my relationships with other people but not about my relationship (or the possibility of one) with her. *shrugs* some people are like that.
It's odd... isn't it? A pattern seems to be forming...
After Dark Angel and I broke up the first time, we waited a bit and then, completely naturally, we started doing stuff like holding hands while watching a movie, lying on each other and etc. Then we got together and the relationship was shit... barely saw her. Then we breakup and we're back to before, how I spent Saturday night... and I wanted to tell her then, but I didn't. *sigh* It will have to wait until next time. I had the urge to hug her and whisper in her ear "I love you".
I know why I didn't. You all know why. I'm afraid... yes afraid... I'm afraid of what she will say, for I know not. Yes I think she can handle it, Freya thinks she can handle it, KoS and Scorpi think she can handle it... but can she? To know is a difficult thing when speaking of a person. And the results, if it goes badly, could be disasterous... on the other hand, the results, if it goes well, could be enormous...
A big decision for me to make... and I've already made it. I will tell her.... that is certain. When and where and how are different questions. What comes afterwards is up to her, be it good or bad. And if it is bad, I will know she is not the one... and if it is good, I will know that she may be the one.
But before I set it in stone, I will speak with several people I know in furthur detail about this matter... Scorpi, perhaps Jess... Freya when I see her. KoS I already have.
My vision is doing that weird far away thing it does when i'm depressed...
If Dark Angel says the words "as a friend" I don't know what I'll do. Probably I'll keep on trying to fake that we're only friends... close intimate friends.
I love her.
I am going to now write a poem, then finish some work then off to bed
later.
// posted by Dep @ 10:46:00 p.m.
