Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

School is excellent :). Thanks for asking. I've found some likeminded people to explore some cool topics with, and this is all leading in a promising direction. Class remains difficult for me to go to, but I've been managing. I just have to stop staying up so f*ing late lol.

The situation, as I've been calling it in my discussion with various friends (most of whom just listen to me vent and then tell me to tell them to fuck off), is... well... almost over I guess. I didn't get a reply yet, but my sources tell me that she's read the e-mail... two days ago. No reply for two days? Means something - means either she's not sure how to tell me to fuck off (doesn't want to deal with it) OR she's put herself into a sticky situation where she doesn't want to tell me to fuck off BUT at the same time, can't tell me what's really going on in her mind. Of the two, the first sounds like cynical paranoia and the second sounds like wishful thinking. At the moment, I'm inclined to go with the former. So I've been working on putting the whole thing behind me. Not to say I'm going to ignore it... there will be consequences, especially for him. He should know better - him and I will not be remaining friends after this, and will probably not be speaking for awhile (unless he can find some miracle way of changing my mind... and I can't think of anything that can). She... I understand a bit better, but still. Two days with no reply? I'm leaving it to her to reopen the lines of communication... and I believe my trust in her is diminshed. I know I can no longer trust him anywhere near as much as I once did.

In the meantime, I've started encouraging open discussion on sex and kink at school and it seems to be working. There are various plots and plans being examined and I think it's going to go well. I have one to introduce myself, when I have some time to get on it.

I've also started the .... corruption of somebody I met recently. (Maybe I even like her a little bit, but I'm leaving that to time given my current situation lol - not many people would be inclined to believe me when I say I like them coming off what I just did). They're taking it quite well and seem to be enjoying it. I think I've started somebody along the path to something quite enjoyable, and I hope she enjoys every step of the way lol.

Soon I hope I will be able to relax about this whole... messed up situation. I can feel myself starting to relax - having school, friends and the corruption effort to distract me certainly helps. I find I don't even think about it... and I'm sure one day I won't. And then another day. And thus it begins to fade.

Tomorrow, I think I'll talk about selfconfidence, but right now... TO BED!

~ Dep...

I am an amazing person. There are people who are proud to know me. I have accomplished many great things in my life and I have an understanding of the world that not many people do. I understand. I know. I see. I feel. I learn. Maybe I'm not such an awful person to know after all.

I don't feel any better.

My head is focusing on "what if"s and trying to predict what will happen. On the bus home today, it demanded I examine every move I made and wonder why I couldn't have been more open. I think I'm good with the answers I came up with - initial nervousness from talking to somebody I knew there was a possibility of a relationship with. I wonder if it happens to everyone. I could have done better... maybe. But that would require me to be somebody I'm not usually. So tough cookies.

I dread getting a reply to the e-mails I sent. I fear... I'm not sure what I fear. Right now I have a meager amount of hope left that we can salvage this. Possibly a fool's hope. I fear I know what the reply will be. Then again, when I get a reply... at least I will know and can move on as appropriate. The fact she hasn't checked her e-mail in a day and a half?...

I will be patient and wait for a reply. It's possible that she doesn't know what was going on in my head, and I must be understanding about that. I can forgive a lot, especially when people don't know how their actions are impacting me.

But... if they take it to the next level... he can never receive my forgiveness. Right now, he needs to reearn a lot of trust. I'm sure he'll complain about how he never wanted to hurt me, etc - he had to make a choice, he says. I don't see how the two options are mutually exclusive. I don't understand why he's had to take it as far as he has. And I don't understand why he's incapable of communicating with me. And... if what he's told other friends of mine is true... about his romantic involvement... he's... well... I try not to think of that as a possibility.

I am thankful that one of her best friends is Freya, who knows me better than I know myself and gives good advice. I am thankful that I have her as... a portal of understanding into a situation where I've been hopelessly confused about what the hell is going on on a number of occasions. As well as for moral support and such. I know that if she turns to Freya and asks questions, the answers she'll get are good. But the answers from him? He's not... he doesn't get me. I know he doesn't, just as I don't get him. We have different personalities, vastly different personalities. And... frankly... I don't know if he can give good advice.

Life will be full of problems. Maybe it's your family life. Maybe it's your professional life. Maybe it's your shitty friends. Or maybe you have deep issues from your past. Maybe it's your love life. Regardless of the source, you can't shut down and ignore your problems until they go away. That's a temporary solution and, unless your problem is temporary (or infrequent), then you can't deal with it that way. Locking your heart and tossing out the key... sure you don't have to feel the bad. But you miss out on the good :). So deal with the problem. Find a way of removing it from your life, or of resolving the issues. Sure there are complications... and some of them can't be ignored. But sometimes you have to put yourself first and let other people find their own ways out of the problem. And if you can't... if you really can't... you need to seek help from somebody who can help you. That's always been my criteria for when to seek help from a professional - if you can't do it yourself, after trying. Because living your life ignoring all emotions will only hurt those who love you, even if they understand... even if you think you're doing it so it won't hurt as much. In the end, it'll only hurt more... moping never solves anything. If there's one thing I can say I've learned from my own relationships, it's that I need to be more proactive in expressing my problems and trying to find solutions to them.

And that is my rant for the day. See people at school tomorrow.

A note, I'm traveling tomorrow and returning to Ottawa tomorrow evening around 9PM. I may or may not be in a position to check my e-mail or other communications but I'll see everyone at school bright and early on Monday morning :).

If you urgently need to contact me... well tough luck. Call my place and leave a message and I'll see how exhausted I am when I get back.

A brief update on the whole frustration thing... I put a lot of thought into it all, worked out what I thought and explained it to the people involved. Let's see what happens.

Later!

- Dep

So lets start with my usual New Years stuff, this time postponed because I didn't have time to write it with everything else that's going on.


---TRIBUTE TO 2K7---

Looking back I realized that I couldn't spell "embarrassed" and still can't without looking it up lol.

It was about a year ago that I broke up with Robyn. In retrospect, the relationship wasn't that bad - in some ways it was pretty good, I got romance and a person who would treat me as a part of her life instead of an external part. But there is a measure of incompatibility there, especially in the bedroom, and breaking up with her really was the right way to go on that. I was frustrated enough with the sex to eventually cheat on her, given the right opportunity, and that's just not good for me or her. Better this way. And it really set the tone for the year, it's been a year of reexamination, reprioritizing and rearranging my life so that it works for me. It's official though - it's been a full year (as of the third) that I've been single lol. I miss being in a relationship - there's just something about having somebody special around that I miss, either holding them or having somebody who'll spend time with you regularly or just knowing that somebody is thinking of you. Who knows - lol, my romantic nature is sappy, I know.

My first major public project tanked (Heritage Underground), probably because I ignored the signals the market research was telling me. But it was a very useful project and taught me a lot - still, I am glad that I no longer have the stress of running it within me.

Fell for Jenny, who was in enough of a mess herself that it wasn't going to work out. But it showed me that I'm fully capable of doing this whole relationship thing and I think it gave me a good shot of self confidence lol. Sadly, it didn't work out and we didn't get the opportunity to explore how far things might have gone... but that was her choice and I respect it.

I took a break from blogging - I focused on personal relationships, doing some social networking and the like.

I got my first job that lasted beyond training. I think I did okay for the first time, though as always there are improvements that can be made. It was there, in my boredom on the job when work was slow, that I revamped this blog to its new look and feel which are more accurate in their representation of me as a person - I am not that mopey sad emo kid who would rather sulk in his room than go out and play. Now I am me, and I am complex and I love who I am.

I picked a plan for the future, and though I'm reconsidering my options, it felt good to have a plan lol.

I went to a big Magic tournament for the first time and had loads of fun.

I realized that there are some people I miss terribly having in my life as they used to be. I also realized it's my fault but I also know I can't sit here and mope about them for the rest of my life. Seeing pictures is hard, of times that once were - but there will be more happy times ahead. I also realized that the reason I delayed, the reason I screwed it all up is because I really do love them both - there are few people in my life, even today, that I can say I have that much affection for (even now, when Sarah and I haven't spoken in years and Courtney and I are simply friends). It was a difficult choice and I was too weak to make it. But I have learned and, if I can find a way, I would make it up to them. And who knows... maybe one day, the situation might be right, I may be forgiven and maybe we can start things anew. (This was a big line of thought for me in the past 4 months).

I kicked soft drinks for the most part. Even now, I'm way below where I used to be in terms of drinking them (I only drink them when I'm feeling stressed out or I'm out on the town on a special occasion). I've lost 15lbs since my last doctor's visit, so I am on the right track with the weight loss.

I finally realized that Vicki is a negative influence on my life and I took steps towards resolving that. It may have damaged our friendship, but it was necessary. There are some people who are simply not going to change - her and I are both like that and we're completely incompatible as friends (barring full lobotomies). It was easier after I found out some of the rumours she was spreading about me breaking up her relationship with Daren - I felt a lot less guilty and realize that I have probably made the right choice in life.

I turned 21 :) a scary number to be sure.

I went to significantly more classes than I did last semester, I was quite proud of that.

I got my learner's permit.

I admitted to somebody that I liked them - and I really do. They're... funny, they're intelligent and we have some things in common - she plays Magic and D&D, likes music, likes some of the same movies. I'll save the rest of my comments on this for the later part of this entry, but it was... a big thing in my mind over the past few weeks.

I also realized, while visiting, that I can't deny that I still have feelings for Andarta. I know its probably not going to happen - but the attraction is there, on both levels. I haven't told her yet because I'm afraid of trashing what trust we've rebuilt since the whole incident... and I'm a bit worried about what might happen with the other person I like. But I can't deny I feel attracted to her... it feels... comfortable. Like a good pair of jeans you've worn for awhile, they fit just right and conversation comes easily, rather than with difficulty as is the rule for me rather than the exception. More on that too later lol.

Finally, the biggest change in myself is something I haven't blogged about this year - my sexuality. I took a look at myself and realized I'm not sure if I still want to define myself as bisexual. I find men attractive, yes. I have slept with and enjoyed sleeping with a man. But it's not something I feel compelled to seek out and it's not something I need or even want on a regular basis. Its more like... I don't mind doing it, its even enjoyable, but its not my number one choice kind of thing. I enjoy a woman's company far more and I definately think that I'm going to have to redefine my sexuality. On the Kinsey scale (Wikipedia: Kinsey Scale) (yes I misuse it for defining my sexual orientation, but whatever - you understand :)), I've shifted how I define myself from a 2.2-ish to a 1.5. For interpreting the decimal points, you should try to remember this is a continuum of sexuality, so its not just a 1 or a 2, there are shades of grey in between - and I'm about midway between those shades of grey. What does it mean? It means, its not something I seek out, but something I'd be good with doing to, say, fulfill my partner's fantasy if that was one of them. Maybe even an occasionally drunk moment lol (curse you Jello Shooters).

I've also become a lot more open about my sexuality, especially the kinkier bits. It started with Robyn really - I realized that I was not satisfied with the sex with her and tried to open myself up to her to get her to try new things. Sadly, she wasn't capable of that. But I realized that if I'm more open about my sexuality, then people will be forewarned when they get into a relationship with me.

And, upon reflection, I realized that this may be why some relationships fail - since sex is a taboo topic, usually people are too shy to bring it up, especially if they enjoy something out of the ordinary, even with their own partners - they're thinking "what if they don't like me because I'm a freak". Then I realized "hey... sex shops sell rope for a reason, its because a lot of people are freaks. And if you're a freak and they're not, the relationship probably either won't work or will be miserable for both of you in the long run." So with this in mind, I worked on making myself more open on the topic of my sexuality, to the point I can freely discuss it with most people (still working on a few lol - but if you ask, I will tell you :), guarenteed).

In keeping with my new found openness, I went to take a BDSM course at our local sex shop to learn a bit about BDSM and some of the tools it involves (Wikipedia: BDSM). It was most fascinating and the people who were also there were like minded, asked good questions and looked... well, just like regular people. It was a good experience, it made me feel as though the lifestyle is becoming more acceptable, especially because of sex shops like Venus Envy (its a very good one and has my personal recommendation: http://www.venusenvy.ca/). I realized, through this, that BDSM is one of the things I like and want to try more. I got some toys which were helpful, bought a pile of rope, some cuffs and the like - even found a couple of people to use them with lol. But my experiences have only left me wanting more and one of the things I'll be doing in the new year is expanding my interests, learning new things and meeting new people - and doing more workshops!

Sadly, I've become addicted to rope - its fun to tie knots period, its fun to tie my wrists up in public and watch people stare and its fun to tie other people up :). A more advanced rope course is definately in my future at some point.

If there are any willing participants in my audience who'll help me explore this new side of myself, please pipe up :) - even if all you'll do is let me tie you (fully clothed) to a chair, or you'll tie me to a chair (fully clothed). Every experience helps :) - the list of things I'd like to try just gets longer every day.

And I realized that I am capable of disassociating the concepts of love and lust in my mind - I'm not sure if that's a healthy disassociation to be able to make, but it seems neccessary to do the kind of explorations I'd like to do - not everyone wants a romantic commitment when all they're going to do is tie you up lol. However, I haven't gotten rid of emotion from sex - I still need to like the person, find them interesting and care about them on some level (I'll never be a heartless bastard... sorry :P). But I can do NSA now - I think I'm good with that. Trust is a must, as always though.

I guess some people won't like that previous statement... but why not? Sex is fun and enjoyable when done right. The right two people with compatible sexual interests, some trust in each other and some attraction towards each other is a near-guarentee for a fun evening. Its not that sex doesn't mean something for me - every person I've ever had sex with has been somebody I like, I trusted and cared about (even if long term wasn't an option lol). It means "Hey... I like you, I trust you, I find you attractive and I want to demonstrate all that... oh you do too? Lets go express it by having some fun together". Its like a step above friends (friends with benefits is what the kids call it, yes?) but a step below dating. Having sex imply serious commitment is... starting to become a bizarre concept in my mind, though I once believed that. There are better ways to show you're seriously committed to somebody than by giving them an orgasm - like not giving anyone else an orgasm. Exclusive sexual partnership... now there's a big symbol. "Hey... I like you, trust you, find you attractive and I want to demonstrate that you're the only one I need". *shrugs* my crazy ramblings - want to argue? find me on MSN. Or leave a comment. Your choice.

Am I sexually perverse for writing this much on the topic? I don't think so. I'm sure some people believe so, maybe I'll even lose a couple of readers... but then again, if you've stuck with me this far, chances are me talking about sex won't be a big deal to you. It's not like I'll go fuck anything that walks, I still need to know and trust them (especially given my sexual interests... I'm sorry, but you ain't tying me up on the first date barring some extraordinary feeling of trust from myself lol).


.... ok, we did a serious tangent there. But that was a big change this year, so I don't feel bad.


---RECENT EVENTS---

Alright, so for the time being I'm going to stay single - it didn't work out for reasons I understand, but I got a "I'm not ready" instead of a "No", so I'm a little bit confused as to what I do now - I really like her, but I don't want to waste my life waiting for something that may just not happen. Then again, I don't want her to think I don't like her any more because she said she's not ready yet and I go on with my life as though that means "No". Something to talk to Nicky about in the near future probably lol - I tried to get her to answer it and the answer was... vague. I'm going to suspect what she'll tell me is to relax and remember that one day she'll be there for me when I think about entering into a serious relationship. Then again, that makes life complicated. So maybe it's better to assume a "No" until I get a "Yes". Or maybe I should make a directed effort at changing "No" to "Yes". Maybe I should wait until it is and just enjoy the rest of what life has to offer. I'm not sure and Freya can usually help with those answers lol.

Bah, life is confusing. Just with all that happening. I get these feelings tossed back at me for Andarta (just from looking at a picture and then meeting her again... man I'm crazy). I'm not sure where to go with this one - I don't know what she feels, how deep her attraction run or how to tell her (then again, I guess I'm telling her now because odds are really good she'll read this... oops, problem solved Robert. Yes I did that on purpose, this is how I tell people things I'm unable to tell them in person, I write). I mean, I did some bad stuff - I regret it and I think I'm better, but how far does forgiveness go? What are the limits and how do I tell her that a) I'm attracted to her on a physical level and would love her assistance in my experiments and b) Beyond that, I might be interested in persuing a romantic relationship, given the right situation in the future. And how does that work with the other person? Only the shadow knows... all I know is I refuse to make the mistake I did last time... and I refuse to let indecision over which one I like more cause me to lose both. Maybe it'll go to the first person who's ready lol - who knows. One more thing to add to my conversation with Freya.

...

I realized why I enjoy having a blog today. I get a chance to write things out to an impartial person (the page). Recent discussions have led me to believe that this is why people go to therapists (or, in some cases, escorts as one article I was reading suggested lol) - they're an impartial person with whom you can just talk about anything in your life - they don't know anything about you. Here, I don't know who will read this, but it's easy to pretend that the people I talk about won't read it... and then they do and find out what I want to tell them, but can't for whatever reason (usually I give the reason too here lol). Maybe it's... rude or wrong, but it works for me. It also lets me vent about everything that's on my mind, just kind of shove it all out there for somebody to read... and there are a few people who will, so I know somebody is reading it. And finally... it's like a little Internet portal to who I am and who I have been. You can take this and go back in time to 2003 and read about Vicki and I, my first relationship with Andarta, Sarah - you can read about all the fuckups in my life and all the crazy things I did... but also everything I felt and what my days were like. You can see my viewpoints on nearly everything from sex to religion to abortion to why gas prices are too high (ok, that one's not there yet). It is almost autobiographical and its evolving with every post I write.

That's why I like people with journal's - it lets me know what a person is feeling, it lets them show me a lot about them. When I first started dating Andarta, I read her whole journal from the first post to the last, just so I could learn about her - and it was enlightening and really let me know her in a way that most conversations can't. In normal conversation, most of what I write here won't come up (then again, I have few normal conversations lol). But their journal is also public, so I know how're they're reacting to things. When Andarta and I first met, I remember that she wrote a post about the party we met at and about meeting me... and that's what gave me the confidence to talk with her more and develop my first online relationship, because I knew what she was thinking - I knew she liked me, I knew I liked her and I knew we both enjoyed handcuffs ;). That was enough for something that I'll definately qualify as my first serious relationship (and my best to date as well). It just clicked, and you can see the clicking in the journal posts. When Freya's down, I can tell from her journal what about and know what not to mention... or how to cheer her up. For others, its just a window into the lives of people I never get to meet very often, like Scrabble. Kindof like Facebook.

Heh... Facebook was a big thing for me this year too. It really helped with my social outcoming and all that stuff, definately been a positive force in my life. If you're not on my facebook, look me up eh :) I'm the only one by my real name, no middle initial, in Ottawa, ON.

I also got to read the Golden Compass books (and watch the recent movie). They are, in a word, amazing. They have a lot of meaning packed into them and though I'm not done the third one, I'm sure they will be fully satisfying. If you haven't watched the movie, I recommend it. If you haven't read the books, I really think you should go read them - they are just amazing and they're not that difficult.

Alright, so now I'm done writing. I'm sure there'll be some comments in the future, so I'll leave my MSN on while I finish up the third book. Enjoy and thanks for reading once again :)

~ Dep