Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

I don't feel any better.

My head is focusing on "what if"s and trying to predict what will happen. On the bus home today, it demanded I examine every move I made and wonder why I couldn't have been more open. I think I'm good with the answers I came up with - initial nervousness from talking to somebody I knew there was a possibility of a relationship with. I wonder if it happens to everyone. I could have done better... maybe. But that would require me to be somebody I'm not usually. So tough cookies.

I dread getting a reply to the e-mails I sent. I fear... I'm not sure what I fear. Right now I have a meager amount of hope left that we can salvage this. Possibly a fool's hope. I fear I know what the reply will be. Then again, when I get a reply... at least I will know and can move on as appropriate. The fact she hasn't checked her e-mail in a day and a half?...

I will be patient and wait for a reply. It's possible that she doesn't know what was going on in my head, and I must be understanding about that. I can forgive a lot, especially when people don't know how their actions are impacting me.

But... if they take it to the next level... he can never receive my forgiveness. Right now, he needs to reearn a lot of trust. I'm sure he'll complain about how he never wanted to hurt me, etc - he had to make a choice, he says. I don't see how the two options are mutually exclusive. I don't understand why he's had to take it as far as he has. And I don't understand why he's incapable of communicating with me. And... if what he's told other friends of mine is true... about his romantic involvement... he's... well... I try not to think of that as a possibility.

I am thankful that one of her best friends is Freya, who knows me better than I know myself and gives good advice. I am thankful that I have her as... a portal of understanding into a situation where I've been hopelessly confused about what the hell is going on on a number of occasions. As well as for moral support and such. I know that if she turns to Freya and asks questions, the answers she'll get are good. But the answers from him? He's not... he doesn't get me. I know he doesn't, just as I don't get him. We have different personalities, vastly different personalities. And... frankly... I don't know if he can give good advice.

Life will be full of problems. Maybe it's your family life. Maybe it's your professional life. Maybe it's your shitty friends. Or maybe you have deep issues from your past. Maybe it's your love life. Regardless of the source, you can't shut down and ignore your problems until they go away. That's a temporary solution and, unless your problem is temporary (or infrequent), then you can't deal with it that way. Locking your heart and tossing out the key... sure you don't have to feel the bad. But you miss out on the good :). So deal with the problem. Find a way of removing it from your life, or of resolving the issues. Sure there are complications... and some of them can't be ignored. But sometimes you have to put yourself first and let other people find their own ways out of the problem. And if you can't... if you really can't... you need to seek help from somebody who can help you. That's always been my criteria for when to seek help from a professional - if you can't do it yourself, after trying. Because living your life ignoring all emotions will only hurt those who love you, even if they understand... even if you think you're doing it so it won't hurt as much. In the end, it'll only hurt more... moping never solves anything. If there's one thing I can say I've learned from my own relationships, it's that I need to be more proactive in expressing my problems and trying to find solutions to them.

And that is my rant for the day. See people at school tomorrow.