Saturday, September 30, 2006
*addiction*
So the other day, I saw Rent playing on the movie network and saw my chance to make up for not seeing it in theatres like I meant to.
And now I'm addicted. The movie is extremely powerful and has much excellent singing in it it. Parts make you want to break down and cry (which I did) and parts make you want to get up and dance. Parts make you laugh outright and parts make you angry. It made me seriously considering looking at acting again - I can't wait until I have the opportunity to see the play. If you haven't seen it, go see it now. I can't get the music out of my head (my own addiction: good music).
I think I'm going to go write. I feel in the mood.
Later *hugs to all*
~ Dep ~
And now I'm addicted. The movie is extremely powerful and has much excellent singing in it it. Parts make you want to break down and cry (which I did) and parts make you want to get up and dance. Parts make you laugh outright and parts make you angry. It made me seriously considering looking at acting again - I can't wait until I have the opportunity to see the play. If you haven't seen it, go see it now. I can't get the music out of my head (my own addiction: good music).
I think I'm going to go write. I feel in the mood.
Later *hugs to all*
~ Dep ~
Friday, September 29, 2006
Oddness
Where in the human heart lies emotion? Where is it that soft words or haunting melodies can pull and tug upon us; what hold have they. Silent thoughts and building momentum, it isn't logical, it isn't planned. You're carried along as flower petals on water while Ophelia prepares for her dive. And maybe its just the change in the seasons. Maybe its the repetition that surrounds you, but somehow you find yourself tired - of being torn, of witnessing conflict. All around us, the same story is told again and again, never with anything learned, never with anything lost. A witness to time, you can't help but watch helplessly - it is your curse and your destiny.
It is unthinkable this mood of mine - indescribable, inscrutable and indestructible. A feeling of peace, yet sorrow - of contemplation, yet sadness. Contradictory.
Late at night, come walk with me through autumn breezes, the air sharp with odeurs of coming winter. The trees - orange, yellow, brown and red with the immenient change - rustle in the wind as the rain drifts down to land upon our faces. This is night upon the river, where the water whispers songs of peace and the city lights bathe the frame in soft shades of yellow. Silence surrounds, the evening grows late and the world has rushed home to children, bills and TV news. The world unfolds before us as we enfold ourselves against the chill of night. Beyond the clouds lies a sky full of bright speckles - hold my hand and watch the night unfold.
A scene descriptive of this mood of mine - you cannot possibly imagine these feelings unless you have walked with me through autumn breezes on a night as that was - dark, sad, stirring yet beautiful and somehow right. Is it wrong to look at emotional over physical?
This is me, the multifaceted personality. These are my footsteps.
It is unthinkable this mood of mine - indescribable, inscrutable and indestructible. A feeling of peace, yet sorrow - of contemplation, yet sadness. Contradictory.
Late at night, come walk with me through autumn breezes, the air sharp with odeurs of coming winter. The trees - orange, yellow, brown and red with the immenient change - rustle in the wind as the rain drifts down to land upon our faces. This is night upon the river, where the water whispers songs of peace and the city lights bathe the frame in soft shades of yellow. Silence surrounds, the evening grows late and the world has rushed home to children, bills and TV news. The world unfolds before us as we enfold ourselves against the chill of night. Beyond the clouds lies a sky full of bright speckles - hold my hand and watch the night unfold.
A scene descriptive of this mood of mine - you cannot possibly imagine these feelings unless you have walked with me through autumn breezes on a night as that was - dark, sad, stirring yet beautiful and somehow right. Is it wrong to look at emotional over physical?
This is me, the multifaceted personality. These are my footsteps.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
The Power of Words
1984 and Newspeak aside, words are extremely powerful. With them, we can express concepts, we can create beauty and we can communicate thoughts. I find myself enamoured with good poetry and even with excellent writing in general - alliteration is just one of the many techniques. For example, Poe's "The Raven" always captures me with its unique rhyming pattern and that is one of the reason it is upon my bedroom door (though sadly there is no pallid bust of Pallas above my chamber door).
But words themselves, for me, have meaning and I rarely write anything without meaning. It is, perhaps, my only means of expressing things in a subtle fashion is through actual writing (either on paper or on the net). There is always some kind of meaning to be taken from them - you can look at my stories and each one of them has a point (from the sex scenes to the dual perspective). Poetry is definately the same way and you can almost create an archieve of my past life from poetry. But this journal (and occasionally my comments on other peoples journals ;)) remains the most important aspect of my literary life - it documents truly my day to day thoughts stretching as far back as high school (grade 10-ish). You can trace my whole life from there on through it from my obsessions over Vicki to my problems with Courtney (though the LJ is better for that - I use it for ranting) to the relationship with Sarah and its tragic ending, plus various shifts in my philosophical outlooks, new people I've met - it really brings my life together in a way that isn't possible elsewhere. But it all has meaning and some people don't think about that when they read - they think its just words and, on occasion, I'm wrong and I want to take the words back (I remember one particular evening when I wanted to end the journal, and some other things, for good - thanks are due to Raven for that night) but they're still here because they meant something at the time - they were true. But they have a deeper meaning on occasion too - I don't write just for humour or because I want to tease someone (or if I do, I make sure I tell them I was joking lol). In fact, you could suppose that I'm writing this for a reason, if you really wanted to.
But this is the power of words - words can be arranged to mean so many things depending on how you look at it. Words, when written, can stay beyond the death of a person. I suppose this is where my love of literature and writing began - in the beauty of poems and yet the significance that the beauty can bring. Reading 1984 is not only good for the writing, but I find it an extremely moving book to read, just because of the parallels I can draw between it and the real world.
And those are my thoughts for the evening. I want to write more, but I have to go to bed.
Goodnight all *hugs*
- Dep
But words themselves, for me, have meaning and I rarely write anything without meaning. It is, perhaps, my only means of expressing things in a subtle fashion is through actual writing (either on paper or on the net). There is always some kind of meaning to be taken from them - you can look at my stories and each one of them has a point (from the sex scenes to the dual perspective). Poetry is definately the same way and you can almost create an archieve of my past life from poetry. But this journal (and occasionally my comments on other peoples journals ;)) remains the most important aspect of my literary life - it documents truly my day to day thoughts stretching as far back as high school (grade 10-ish). You can trace my whole life from there on through it from my obsessions over Vicki to my problems with Courtney (though the LJ is better for that - I use it for ranting) to the relationship with Sarah and its tragic ending, plus various shifts in my philosophical outlooks, new people I've met - it really brings my life together in a way that isn't possible elsewhere. But it all has meaning and some people don't think about that when they read - they think its just words and, on occasion, I'm wrong and I want to take the words back (I remember one particular evening when I wanted to end the journal, and some other things, for good - thanks are due to Raven for that night) but they're still here because they meant something at the time - they were true. But they have a deeper meaning on occasion too - I don't write just for humour or because I want to tease someone (or if I do, I make sure I tell them I was joking lol). In fact, you could suppose that I'm writing this for a reason, if you really wanted to.
But this is the power of words - words can be arranged to mean so many things depending on how you look at it. Words, when written, can stay beyond the death of a person. I suppose this is where my love of literature and writing began - in the beauty of poems and yet the significance that the beauty can bring. Reading 1984 is not only good for the writing, but I find it an extremely moving book to read, just because of the parallels I can draw between it and the real world.
And those are my thoughts for the evening. I want to write more, but I have to go to bed.
Goodnight all *hugs*
- Dep
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Damn You CTV!
Alright, alright - I was about to go to bed and then I watched CTV's news at eleven and had to write. Because I hate news anchors and this is a perfect illustration of why.
The guy who shot up Dawson College apparently dressed in a gothic fashion, was a member of vampirefreaks.com (I know a few members there) and such. The wonderful people on television show this on TV just like the case where the young girl and her much much older boyfriend killed the girls family out west (there was also the involvement of the same site - vampirefreaks.com). Now, I have an issue with the way the media is portraying this, because they are talking about this being a cause or a symptom of somebody who is inherently unstable and possibly violent.
Now I know a number of people who would describe themselves as goth, I know a few members of that website as I mentioned and I know a number of other people who dress in that general fashion but won't define themselves as goth (even if others do - I fit into that last catagory if we're grouping). How many of these people are actually likely to go on such a killing spree? I can't say for sure, but I know for a fact that the majority of them won't. The majority of them are people who aren't really violent on the murder-spree level (though in bed, its a different story ;)) and they share similar interest in clothing, activities and such. The media misshapes this story into a commentary against such people (intentionally or not) and you wonder why they're not so accepted by most people? If you listen to the news story further, you see that he doesn't like people discriminating based on clothing or such and so people who say things like 'well hes a goth and they're violent' are PERPETUATING the real cause of the problem. The media, in general I would argue, promotes this idea of a right 'style' that people should fit into which is another problem that leads to things like this happening - a person who is shut out of society, with few friends who grows dissatisfied with the number of people who look down on him because he likes black so much - eventually he can't take it and he snaps. If you want to stop things like this from happening, you would actually take steps to promote acceptance of all kinds of cultures and such. But regardless, my message is that just because a few people in black who are on Goth websites shoot and kill people, doesn't mean everyone who wears blacks and frequents such websites is likely to shoot and kill people. I know a guy at school, his name is Logan (some of you know who I'm talking about I'm sure) - he wears long black trench coats, makes chainmail, is on vampirefreaks and has a skull on his belt. Would he kill someone? No. He's as harmless as fly and actually a really decent guy. Heck, I get weird looks and I'm incapable of hurting someone even if I wanted to lol.
This tragedy comes with an important lesson - and if we don't learn from the lesson, then there is no upside to the tragedy - and I'd hate to say that there's an upside to a tragedy, because people lost their lives, but we need to consider the motives behind such an act and what it means about society and how can we prevent this from happening. Why he did it is fairly clear in my mind from his journal and such - an extreme dissatisfaction with society and people in general, he had lost all faith in any person is my guess. What does this mean about society? If society can create such a person, then we need to identify how they fell through the cracks - how did we abandon a person - and how can we fix that.
Harper talked about gun control and said that this shows gun control laws don't work. No matter the laws you put in place, people are going to get guns. People can fake being stable while getting the guns, they can lose the stability they had after getting a gun and as long as you control it, there will be a black market in it anyways. The question we should be answering, if we're a society that works as a society should and actually cares for the people in it, is how can we prevent a person from growing so dissatisfied with society that he feels the need to take his own life and the lives of others with him.
And finally, if you agree with this person that a glorious end in a hail of bullets is the way to go... think about it this way. No one is going to remember this message. They won't listen to me and they won't listen to him because he did something that people cannot justify - they will therefore label him evil and possibly insane and therefore his ideas cannot be correct. And therefore, shooting yourself is not the way to go. If you want to make your mark on society, killing is no longer the way to do it. Perhaps we've become desensitized enough to killing that a martyr is just one more face to us. I don't know how you can have an effect or even if its possible to affect society, but I know that killing is not the way.
One more item - they're also trying to pin it on video games and journals in general. I say fuck off. I play violent video games, but I understand that they are a game. Violent video games kill people no more than guns do. As for journals - they were saying things like 'well why didnt anyone pick up on this guys journal that was obviously distressed and going to go on a murder spree'. In retrospect, it looks fairly obvious. But people rant in their journals all the time - some while drunk, some in a high state of emotion and some people just need to let it all out without really meaning it all. Heck I've said some bad things about killing Stephen Harper, but I'd never actually do it. I have better ways and more lasting ways to make my point - plus I don't think I'd enjoy jail lol. On occasion, they really do mean it but don't wonder why people didn't say anything. Most people dismiss it as a rant of someone who isn't serious - and perhaps thats more of a problem, perhaps he didn't felt as though people took his concerns about the world seriously.
Anyways, I'm exhausted on that. My heart, good wishes and thoughts go to the families of those affected by this and the students of Dawson College.
Time for bed - good night and comment if you wish :)
The guy who shot up Dawson College apparently dressed in a gothic fashion, was a member of vampirefreaks.com (I know a few members there) and such. The wonderful people on television show this on TV just like the case where the young girl and her much much older boyfriend killed the girls family out west (there was also the involvement of the same site - vampirefreaks.com). Now, I have an issue with the way the media is portraying this, because they are talking about this being a cause or a symptom of somebody who is inherently unstable and possibly violent.
Now I know a number of people who would describe themselves as goth, I know a few members of that website as I mentioned and I know a number of other people who dress in that general fashion but won't define themselves as goth (even if others do - I fit into that last catagory if we're grouping). How many of these people are actually likely to go on such a killing spree? I can't say for sure, but I know for a fact that the majority of them won't. The majority of them are people who aren't really violent on the murder-spree level (though in bed, its a different story ;)) and they share similar interest in clothing, activities and such. The media misshapes this story into a commentary against such people (intentionally or not) and you wonder why they're not so accepted by most people? If you listen to the news story further, you see that he doesn't like people discriminating based on clothing or such and so people who say things like 'well hes a goth and they're violent' are PERPETUATING the real cause of the problem. The media, in general I would argue, promotes this idea of a right 'style' that people should fit into which is another problem that leads to things like this happening - a person who is shut out of society, with few friends who grows dissatisfied with the number of people who look down on him because he likes black so much - eventually he can't take it and he snaps. If you want to stop things like this from happening, you would actually take steps to promote acceptance of all kinds of cultures and such. But regardless, my message is that just because a few people in black who are on Goth websites shoot and kill people, doesn't mean everyone who wears blacks and frequents such websites is likely to shoot and kill people. I know a guy at school, his name is Logan (some of you know who I'm talking about I'm sure) - he wears long black trench coats, makes chainmail, is on vampirefreaks and has a skull on his belt. Would he kill someone? No. He's as harmless as fly and actually a really decent guy. Heck, I get weird looks and I'm incapable of hurting someone even if I wanted to lol.
This tragedy comes with an important lesson - and if we don't learn from the lesson, then there is no upside to the tragedy - and I'd hate to say that there's an upside to a tragedy, because people lost their lives, but we need to consider the motives behind such an act and what it means about society and how can we prevent this from happening. Why he did it is fairly clear in my mind from his journal and such - an extreme dissatisfaction with society and people in general, he had lost all faith in any person is my guess. What does this mean about society? If society can create such a person, then we need to identify how they fell through the cracks - how did we abandon a person - and how can we fix that.
Harper talked about gun control and said that this shows gun control laws don't work. No matter the laws you put in place, people are going to get guns. People can fake being stable while getting the guns, they can lose the stability they had after getting a gun and as long as you control it, there will be a black market in it anyways. The question we should be answering, if we're a society that works as a society should and actually cares for the people in it, is how can we prevent a person from growing so dissatisfied with society that he feels the need to take his own life and the lives of others with him.
And finally, if you agree with this person that a glorious end in a hail of bullets is the way to go... think about it this way. No one is going to remember this message. They won't listen to me and they won't listen to him because he did something that people cannot justify - they will therefore label him evil and possibly insane and therefore his ideas cannot be correct. And therefore, shooting yourself is not the way to go. If you want to make your mark on society, killing is no longer the way to do it. Perhaps we've become desensitized enough to killing that a martyr is just one more face to us. I don't know how you can have an effect or even if its possible to affect society, but I know that killing is not the way.
One more item - they're also trying to pin it on video games and journals in general. I say fuck off. I play violent video games, but I understand that they are a game. Violent video games kill people no more than guns do. As for journals - they were saying things like 'well why didnt anyone pick up on this guys journal that was obviously distressed and going to go on a murder spree'. In retrospect, it looks fairly obvious. But people rant in their journals all the time - some while drunk, some in a high state of emotion and some people just need to let it all out without really meaning it all. Heck I've said some bad things about killing Stephen Harper, but I'd never actually do it. I have better ways and more lasting ways to make my point - plus I don't think I'd enjoy jail lol. On occasion, they really do mean it but don't wonder why people didn't say anything. Most people dismiss it as a rant of someone who isn't serious - and perhaps thats more of a problem, perhaps he didn't felt as though people took his concerns about the world seriously.
Anyways, I'm exhausted on that. My heart, good wishes and thoughts go to the families of those affected by this and the students of Dawson College.
Time for bed - good night and comment if you wish :)
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Leather Straps? oooooo
(Thank you Ash for prompting yet another edition of my droning.... I mean journal).
------------------------
REALITY NEWS
------------------------
I was watching the news today and I saw something that put me in a good mood for awhile :) the headline: 'Astronaut loses hold of bolt during spacewalk'. Because this is of such vital importance to the nation, really. I would like to suggest my own to CTV, it goes something like this...
'ASTRONAUT'S BOWEL MOVEMENTS ARE GOOD'
- In other news, the astronauts continue to have good bowel movements, despite heavy indigestion from the food. Here we have live video footage from deep within the toliet bowl...
*live video - I'll leave it to your imagination of a guy in a space suit groaning and grunting*
And now, the final results of this tremendous good news...
*live video of a piece of frozen excrement floating past the camera with the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey playing in the background.
And that concludes our news for today... oh and the space shuttle encountered a few meteors and was destroyed.
(Now THATS news)
-----------------------
Alright, lets get serious :) or not.
Most of the people who've known me long enough (and if you're reading this, the odds are good) know that I have a freaky side - or freaky is the wrong word. More along the lines of kinky, with whips and chains a la Rocky Horror - BDSM and such. But I must admit... even though I come from a larger population than you Ash, its still hard to find such people (though I don't have the looks to attract them to me to begin with - that may explain it, but even so). So my experiences remain limited, which is a shame... I have a deep desire to experiment and many creative thoughts to express (and it is, as you say, an art form though I'm sure few think of it that way).
As for the whole dom/sub question, its always been an interesting question for me. I was fairly submissive thoughout my explorations though this, but I find myself developing more into what I've heard referred to as a switch - someone who can go both ways with a fair amount of ease.
One thing I think I'll never get used to is people who want everyone to conform (or think that everyone will conform or think that they need to conform). Things like BDSM aren't for everyone but there's nothing inherently wrong with it, is there? Ditto for every other fetish, including the extremely weird (but still legal) ones. Exploiting others is just plain wrong, but two consenting adults who aren't killing each other? Come on. After all, we let Scientologists into the world to play (forgive me scientologists in my audience... I know there are some among you!). If BDSM isn't right for you, don't marry a fetishist. If you don't like Scientology, don't go to their church. If you don't like intelligent women, marry one who is naturally not intelligent. And its not to say that women can't dress up pretty, can't be slightly slow, can't want to be housewives, HAS to play video games, write draw, be creative, etc etc etc.
I think the only truth that I've actually found is the only path to happiness is finding what you want to be and being that person, regardless of societies rules. Don't hit yourself for it and don't let others get you down for it - but do, perhaps, be open to change that might make you like yourself more. Thats a complex one...
I've discovered that I'm capable of lying to myself - rationalizing if you want - making myself believe things that aren't true and disguising my true discontent state. The secret is to be object and be introspective. Take a look into yourself and find out whether or not you're really happy with the way things are - don't be afraid to take either answer. As a good example, I always patted myself on the back for being in Science so long ago but really I was miserable there - I had a couple of good teachers and a couple of horrible ones and the subject matter just wasn't what I wanted to be doing. What I wanted to be doing was computers :). And here I am today - I love going to class and rarely skip a CS class. And I know inside that my choices are the right ones for me, because its what I love doing.
Sometimes we don't realize that we're lying to ourselves - it takes a lot of time and courage (I find) to admit it - and thats where having good friends comes into play. Your friends will always be more objective but will never have the deep understanding that you do of yourself. I take the advice of my friends seriously, but I don't follow it heedlessly (haha I rhymed!). If you look through my journal, you'll see lots of times when I was dead wrong about myself and just needed it pointed out by a friend enough times... preferably with a sledgehammer.
But all along, I knew - I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me I'm making the wrong choice for myself, that this isn't the way I want to be going in life. Sometimes I listen and sometimes I don't.
But the secret to being happy is finding out where you want to be and working towards that. Figure out what you like in another person and try to stick with that, instead of dating just anyone who throws you a smile :) (like I have in the distant past lol) - pick a career you'll enjoy, not for the bucks but for the work - find a lifestyle you want to live, not that is expected of you.
So I will always have an interest in fetishes in general (and will hopefully find a way to explore those in the future), an abhorrence for religious fanatics, a distaste for organized religion, an extreme interest in computers/math/science and a few other quirks of mine :). The only thing it is important to remember is that, in your search for who you are, you should not repress who others are. So because you're dating some hot chick who loves thinking and you want to date an airhead isn't reason to repress her. DATE SOMEONE ELSE. If you get married before you realize she's not an airhead, you're an idiot and deserve a divorce. It isn't always true though - sometimes people want to change, they want to be someone else but they don't have the experiences or they lack guidance or for some other reason - if you like the person they want to be and are sincerely willing to be, then probably you should help them change (at least I would). But remember - major changes should not be done FOR another person. There are only two reasons I would recommend a major shift in one of your viewpoints - you want it or you're abusing another person's right to be how they want to be.
So what about compromise in a relationship? Its true that there is going to be a bit of give and taken in a relationship for the other person - we're not talking about nitpicky stuff like learning how to wash dishes. We're talking major personality shifts like saying 'Well I don't like BDSM so I expect you to give it all up for me' (if its a deep part of who you want to be) or 'Stop wearing those clothes because people look at you weirdly' (I had that happen :)). The majority of things that people want you to compromise fall into four catagories I find.
1 - Major Personality Components
These are the things that make you you. They are parts of your soul, if you want - they are things that you have determined you want to be and, without, you don't think you could be happy. I, for instance, could never date a technophobe - I need computers and computers are my livelyhood. I could also never date someone who would force me to be Catholic, etc.
2 - Self Expression
Things like 'I want you to wear these clothes' or 'I think you should get this haircut'. How I think people should deal with this depends on how strong a form of self expression it is for you. My hair, for instance, I never really cared much about. I like it on the short side (its a little long right now and I need a haircut soon therefore :)) just for the conviences that short hair brings. Clothes (and jewelry) on the other hand, I choose with an image in mind (though I have different clothes for different images, depending on the one I want to project, for I am a multi faceted person). If you really don't care - then really, do it if you want to. If you do care and its deeply ingrained into you, then stick with your style. Daren, for instance, loves his long flowing silk hair and wouldn't have it any other way.
3 - Nit Picky
Alright, there is compromise and then there is nitpicking. 'I don't like the way you arrange your CDs'. Nitpicking is not a form of compromise, its a form of being annoying. Now if its your combined CD collection, coming to some kind of compromise is probably important. Nit picking applies to really trivial things that would make no difference on either people's lives.
4 - Actual Compromise Situations
Ok, so we're passed the situations where compromise is general bad. There are some situations where a compromise is needed - usually more in the day to day trivia rather than the big psychological picture. And its an interesting question who should compromise on what and how far, something that changes from each situation so I have only one guideline - it should be even. A person who compromises every time (I guess gives in would be more accurate) will feel trod upon and will eventually get so frustrated that there is a bigger problem.
It was interesting - my parents always taught me to find a compromise in my solutions. But in a psych class last year, I found out that my own thoughts are more valid - there ARE sometimes situations where you are right to believe what you believe and they are wrong. And really, giving up who you are for the relationship makes the entire point of the relationship moot - its all about finding somebody you like, not somebody who can twist themselves into a shape you like.
So I've rambled enough tonight on this. I need somewhere to let me thoughts go I'm sure.
-----
External News:
- Heritage Underground was released on September 11th, 2006 and has already gained ten new members (without advertising lol)
-----
So I'll leave you with a final thought :)
BRING ON THE WHIPS AND CHAINS!
(I'm so naughty tonight... somebody spank me)
~ Dep ~
------------------------
REALITY NEWS
------------------------
I was watching the news today and I saw something that put me in a good mood for awhile :) the headline: 'Astronaut loses hold of bolt during spacewalk'. Because this is of such vital importance to the nation, really. I would like to suggest my own to CTV, it goes something like this...
'ASTRONAUT'S BOWEL MOVEMENTS ARE GOOD'
- In other news, the astronauts continue to have good bowel movements, despite heavy indigestion from the food. Here we have live video footage from deep within the toliet bowl...
*live video - I'll leave it to your imagination of a guy in a space suit groaning and grunting*
And now, the final results of this tremendous good news...
*live video of a piece of frozen excrement floating past the camera with the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey playing in the background.
And that concludes our news for today... oh and the space shuttle encountered a few meteors and was destroyed.
(Now THATS news)
-----------------------
Alright, lets get serious :) or not.
Most of the people who've known me long enough (and if you're reading this, the odds are good) know that I have a freaky side - or freaky is the wrong word. More along the lines of kinky, with whips and chains a la Rocky Horror - BDSM and such. But I must admit... even though I come from a larger population than you Ash, its still hard to find such people (though I don't have the looks to attract them to me to begin with - that may explain it, but even so). So my experiences remain limited, which is a shame... I have a deep desire to experiment and many creative thoughts to express (and it is, as you say, an art form though I'm sure few think of it that way).
As for the whole dom/sub question, its always been an interesting question for me. I was fairly submissive thoughout my explorations though this, but I find myself developing more into what I've heard referred to as a switch - someone who can go both ways with a fair amount of ease.
One thing I think I'll never get used to is people who want everyone to conform (or think that everyone will conform or think that they need to conform). Things like BDSM aren't for everyone but there's nothing inherently wrong with it, is there? Ditto for every other fetish, including the extremely weird (but still legal) ones. Exploiting others is just plain wrong, but two consenting adults who aren't killing each other? Come on. After all, we let Scientologists into the world to play (forgive me scientologists in my audience... I know there are some among you!). If BDSM isn't right for you, don't marry a fetishist. If you don't like Scientology, don't go to their church. If you don't like intelligent women, marry one who is naturally not intelligent. And its not to say that women can't dress up pretty, can't be slightly slow, can't want to be housewives, HAS to play video games, write draw, be creative, etc etc etc.
I think the only truth that I've actually found is the only path to happiness is finding what you want to be and being that person, regardless of societies rules. Don't hit yourself for it and don't let others get you down for it - but do, perhaps, be open to change that might make you like yourself more. Thats a complex one...
I've discovered that I'm capable of lying to myself - rationalizing if you want - making myself believe things that aren't true and disguising my true discontent state. The secret is to be object and be introspective. Take a look into yourself and find out whether or not you're really happy with the way things are - don't be afraid to take either answer. As a good example, I always patted myself on the back for being in Science so long ago but really I was miserable there - I had a couple of good teachers and a couple of horrible ones and the subject matter just wasn't what I wanted to be doing. What I wanted to be doing was computers :). And here I am today - I love going to class and rarely skip a CS class. And I know inside that my choices are the right ones for me, because its what I love doing.
Sometimes we don't realize that we're lying to ourselves - it takes a lot of time and courage (I find) to admit it - and thats where having good friends comes into play. Your friends will always be more objective but will never have the deep understanding that you do of yourself. I take the advice of my friends seriously, but I don't follow it heedlessly (haha I rhymed!). If you look through my journal, you'll see lots of times when I was dead wrong about myself and just needed it pointed out by a friend enough times... preferably with a sledgehammer.
But all along, I knew - I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me I'm making the wrong choice for myself, that this isn't the way I want to be going in life. Sometimes I listen and sometimes I don't.
But the secret to being happy is finding out where you want to be and working towards that. Figure out what you like in another person and try to stick with that, instead of dating just anyone who throws you a smile :) (like I have in the distant past lol) - pick a career you'll enjoy, not for the bucks but for the work - find a lifestyle you want to live, not that is expected of you.
So I will always have an interest in fetishes in general (and will hopefully find a way to explore those in the future), an abhorrence for religious fanatics, a distaste for organized religion, an extreme interest in computers/math/science and a few other quirks of mine :). The only thing it is important to remember is that, in your search for who you are, you should not repress who others are. So because you're dating some hot chick who loves thinking and you want to date an airhead isn't reason to repress her. DATE SOMEONE ELSE. If you get married before you realize she's not an airhead, you're an idiot and deserve a divorce. It isn't always true though - sometimes people want to change, they want to be someone else but they don't have the experiences or they lack guidance or for some other reason - if you like the person they want to be and are sincerely willing to be, then probably you should help them change (at least I would). But remember - major changes should not be done FOR another person. There are only two reasons I would recommend a major shift in one of your viewpoints - you want it or you're abusing another person's right to be how they want to be.
So what about compromise in a relationship? Its true that there is going to be a bit of give and taken in a relationship for the other person - we're not talking about nitpicky stuff like learning how to wash dishes. We're talking major personality shifts like saying 'Well I don't like BDSM so I expect you to give it all up for me' (if its a deep part of who you want to be) or 'Stop wearing those clothes because people look at you weirdly' (I had that happen :)). The majority of things that people want you to compromise fall into four catagories I find.
1 - Major Personality Components
These are the things that make you you. They are parts of your soul, if you want - they are things that you have determined you want to be and, without, you don't think you could be happy. I, for instance, could never date a technophobe - I need computers and computers are my livelyhood. I could also never date someone who would force me to be Catholic, etc.
2 - Self Expression
Things like 'I want you to wear these clothes' or 'I think you should get this haircut'. How I think people should deal with this depends on how strong a form of self expression it is for you. My hair, for instance, I never really cared much about. I like it on the short side (its a little long right now and I need a haircut soon therefore :)) just for the conviences that short hair brings. Clothes (and jewelry) on the other hand, I choose with an image in mind (though I have different clothes for different images, depending on the one I want to project, for I am a multi faceted person). If you really don't care - then really, do it if you want to. If you do care and its deeply ingrained into you, then stick with your style. Daren, for instance, loves his long flowing silk hair and wouldn't have it any other way.
3 - Nit Picky
Alright, there is compromise and then there is nitpicking. 'I don't like the way you arrange your CDs'. Nitpicking is not a form of compromise, its a form of being annoying. Now if its your combined CD collection, coming to some kind of compromise is probably important. Nit picking applies to really trivial things that would make no difference on either people's lives.
4 - Actual Compromise Situations
Ok, so we're passed the situations where compromise is general bad. There are some situations where a compromise is needed - usually more in the day to day trivia rather than the big psychological picture. And its an interesting question who should compromise on what and how far, something that changes from each situation so I have only one guideline - it should be even. A person who compromises every time (I guess gives in would be more accurate) will feel trod upon and will eventually get so frustrated that there is a bigger problem.
It was interesting - my parents always taught me to find a compromise in my solutions. But in a psych class last year, I found out that my own thoughts are more valid - there ARE sometimes situations where you are right to believe what you believe and they are wrong. And really, giving up who you are for the relationship makes the entire point of the relationship moot - its all about finding somebody you like, not somebody who can twist themselves into a shape you like.
So I've rambled enough tonight on this. I need somewhere to let me thoughts go I'm sure.
-----
External News:
- Heritage Underground was released on September 11th, 2006 and has already gained ten new members (without advertising lol)
-----
So I'll leave you with a final thought :)
BRING ON THE WHIPS AND CHAINS!
(I'm so naughty tonight... somebody spank me)
~ Dep ~
Monday, September 11, 2006
I don't feel like writing
Yet I do feel like writing.
It is one of those moods where I am highly motivated to do something, yet not motivated to do anything at all but sleep.
In external news, Heritage Underground was completed today. It'll be a couple of weeks to finish putting all the components together, adding more teachers and what not, but the big parts are finished. Already I have a list of ten bugs to fix too lol.
Ashley: I am ready to sit down with you (on the phone or on MSN) for a chat about your website any time you'd like.
Chrissie: Ditto, but include the option of a physical meeting.
Its just a mental blah that is probably a result of staying up too late and such - I'm hitting the hay within the hour - but it brings interesting thoughts and, on occasion, inspiration.
Why do people write poetry? or even, why are people creative in general? Where is their motiviation... some obviously do it for the money and (to be honest) their stuff isn't really good. Not to say you can't be big and great, but you can't be great if you're trying to become a big name. But I'll never make money at writing poetry lol. Some people write for others - they write sonnets for the one they love or for a hero of theirs.
I don't think good creative efforts come from doing it for others (which includes doing it for money). It is only when you do it because its what you want to do that you truly reach into the core of good art - emotion. Sure you might never be a popular success, but your art will have a quality that cannot be trademarked.
And that is my random though for the evening - I've rarely written anything at someone's request and when I do, its never me and its never good. Its only when I have the sudden urge to just write for me and let the words flow (they really do seem to come out of nowhere sometimes so that even I am unconcious of the meaning of them - I barely recognize some of these as my own work and wonder if I accidently posted something of somebody elses) that true emotion shows in my work and I really begin to love it.
I wrote a poem last night - I'll post it here for your enjoyment and it'll be on deviantART soon.
So I leave you with the beginning of a new era - and the end of a goodnight. Farewell my friends.
------
The Beginning
I break my normal form tonight to bring you thoughts of why?
It was never for glory, wealth or such; indeed these I could never claim.
There lies within all a burning fire, from black heart to iron forge.
It is not to pay tribute or win such stuff, but bring you these thoughts of mine.
Imagine footsteps along a sandy beach;
picture the trails we have left behind.
Are there those who seek as I seek,
call them friends of mine?
Deeper thought, our burning question,
who has loved and lost?
Are we just shadows of empty beings
or is there light in mine...
Wake thee who've slept
so long,
and shaken with every
thought.
Open the mind to the
friendly muse,
begin what was once
forgot.
------
It is one of those moods where I am highly motivated to do something, yet not motivated to do anything at all but sleep.
In external news, Heritage Underground was completed today. It'll be a couple of weeks to finish putting all the components together, adding more teachers and what not, but the big parts are finished. Already I have a list of ten bugs to fix too lol.
Ashley: I am ready to sit down with you (on the phone or on MSN) for a chat about your website any time you'd like.
Chrissie: Ditto, but include the option of a physical meeting.
Its just a mental blah that is probably a result of staying up too late and such - I'm hitting the hay within the hour - but it brings interesting thoughts and, on occasion, inspiration.
Why do people write poetry? or even, why are people creative in general? Where is their motiviation... some obviously do it for the money and (to be honest) their stuff isn't really good. Not to say you can't be big and great, but you can't be great if you're trying to become a big name. But I'll never make money at writing poetry lol. Some people write for others - they write sonnets for the one they love or for a hero of theirs.
I don't think good creative efforts come from doing it for others (which includes doing it for money). It is only when you do it because its what you want to do that you truly reach into the core of good art - emotion. Sure you might never be a popular success, but your art will have a quality that cannot be trademarked.
And that is my random though for the evening - I've rarely written anything at someone's request and when I do, its never me and its never good. Its only when I have the sudden urge to just write for me and let the words flow (they really do seem to come out of nowhere sometimes so that even I am unconcious of the meaning of them - I barely recognize some of these as my own work and wonder if I accidently posted something of somebody elses) that true emotion shows in my work and I really begin to love it.
I wrote a poem last night - I'll post it here for your enjoyment and it'll be on deviantART soon.
So I leave you with the beginning of a new era - and the end of a goodnight. Farewell my friends.
------
The Beginning
I break my normal form tonight to bring you thoughts of why?
It was never for glory, wealth or such; indeed these I could never claim.
There lies within all a burning fire, from black heart to iron forge.
It is not to pay tribute or win such stuff, but bring you these thoughts of mine.
Imagine footsteps along a sandy beach;
picture the trails we have left behind.
Are there those who seek as I seek,
call them friends of mine?
Deeper thought, our burning question,
who has loved and lost?
Are we just shadows of empty beings
or is there light in mine...
Wake thee who've slept
so long,
and shaken with every
thought.
Open the mind to the
friendly muse,
begin what was once
forgot.
------
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Return
So welcome back everyone. First of all, a couple of RL updates before I enter my brain for an hour or so.
------
Heritage Underground: My major project is mostly complete for the time being. I have a few last things to tidy up and add, but no more 8 hour 7 days a week coding sessions :).
School: School is going well... once again the insane people elected me class rep, plus I've still got a few other school projects going on. A few assignments to work on already - should get started tomorrow.
Development Projects: Still have a few people who were interested in having me work on projects for them - awaiting contact with them for more details :).
Girlfriend: The gf is fine and alive :) I'm fine and alive. Its all going well :).
------
Alright, lets go...
A well tossed about phrase came to my mind the other day and I realized something about it that never occured to me before. Maybe I'm an idiot, but here it is.
"You must love yourself before you love someone else" (paraphrased of course)
Lets expand. What does loving yourself entail? Before you can love yourself, you need to know who you are and you need to be satistified or close to satisfied with who you are. And it then follows that until you know who you are and are happy with the way you are (I don't know if we could ever be COMPLETELY happy, but close enough) you can't really determine what kind of person you're looking for, nor can you really (in my mind) commit to a relationship. Not knowing who you are and liking who you are leads to insecurity in my mind and insecure people (as is shown in the play 'Much Ado About Nothing' which I was recently reading) are prone to jump to conclusions, draw the wrong negative conclusion, obsessive behaviour and be overly suspicious in general - you can't really build trust if you're constantly suspicious and therefore your relationships will fail. Which returns to a previous question posed by Chrissie - why do relationships between people of our age usually fail (asked 5 years ago roughly)? And now we have the answer - the majority of people our age have not truly found themselves yet - they are still searching, questioning or (in most cases) getting really really drunk. Because they have not yet completed their journey of self-discovery (or at least worked out the major parts), any relationship they have will be subject to major upheavals which are frequently destructive considering that most people in that age range aren't known for their patience or determination in relationships either.
I can look at myself with this in mind and realize that, up until recently, I really didn't know who I was. I was searching and looking for who I was and I went through a number of phases. And all through this, because I was never sure of who I was, I was always insecure which led to a lot of questioning if the other person liked me - and not only that, but blowing it moderately out of proportion (I suppose making what I'm worth in my head based on what they think I'm worth?). I think the number of months I spent without a boyfriend or girlfriend let me look at myself long enough to figure out more about myself. It also helped that I went into a new program, made new real friends and really got into doing things. The differences are, in my mind, amazing. I was always a quiet, sit back and do work person. Now I have a greater tendancy to take a leadership position, I don't have quite so big of a fear of speaking in public and I'm moderately sure of who I am. A lot of things went into that... the whole mess with Courtney/Sarah (which I'm quite willing to accept responsibility for by the way - I was an idiot, even if the circumstances were bad)... PTY was a big influence. And today - I find myself happier, less obsessive and far more confident in my skills and activities.
Anyways, enjoy jabbering about that. The real topic for tonight is...
Religion
I'm bored, so I'm going to write about religion and probably slowly get into philosophy and stuff.
A lot of people think I look down on religion and the truth is, I don't. I look down on religious fanatics (and yes I include Bush as a religious fanatic). I believe in a strong seperation between Church and State because the State encompasses people of different religions. I dislike people who try to convert others to their religion or force their children into their religion. But religion itself has some high points. People do, occasionally, need some kind of structure in their life and religion can bring them that. They've also done some good work for helping the poor in the world and other good causes.
My religion is somewhat complicated - I keep promising to tell people about it, but it just takes so long. And its not even really a religion, its more of a philosophy.
The wonderful part about my own beliefs is that they are constantly changing - probably why I come back and visit this topic so often. Why? Because I keep encountering new ideas and concepts which are being integrated into my beliefs.
I suppose at the core of my beliefs is that the only universal truth is that there are no universal truths. An oxymoron, but stay with me on this. Take for example, religion (which is what we are discussing). There is no one right religion, nor is their one right way to live your life. Each person needs to live the right way for them, while respecting other people's right to live their way. On top of that, society needs to impose rules for the safety of all the people it is supposed to protect. There is no universal path to follow. There is no universal good (we've been over that one) or evil.
And so, it is not for me to say how you live your life, only that you respect other people's right to live their life their way.
Anyways, the bed calls. Good night all!
~ Dep ~
------
Heritage Underground: My major project is mostly complete for the time being. I have a few last things to tidy up and add, but no more 8 hour 7 days a week coding sessions :).
School: School is going well... once again the insane people elected me class rep, plus I've still got a few other school projects going on. A few assignments to work on already - should get started tomorrow.
Development Projects: Still have a few people who were interested in having me work on projects for them - awaiting contact with them for more details :).
Girlfriend: The gf is fine and alive :) I'm fine and alive. Its all going well :).
------
Alright, lets go...
A well tossed about phrase came to my mind the other day and I realized something about it that never occured to me before. Maybe I'm an idiot, but here it is.
"You must love yourself before you love someone else" (paraphrased of course)
Lets expand. What does loving yourself entail? Before you can love yourself, you need to know who you are and you need to be satistified or close to satisfied with who you are. And it then follows that until you know who you are and are happy with the way you are (I don't know if we could ever be COMPLETELY happy, but close enough) you can't really determine what kind of person you're looking for, nor can you really (in my mind) commit to a relationship. Not knowing who you are and liking who you are leads to insecurity in my mind and insecure people (as is shown in the play 'Much Ado About Nothing' which I was recently reading) are prone to jump to conclusions, draw the wrong negative conclusion, obsessive behaviour and be overly suspicious in general - you can't really build trust if you're constantly suspicious and therefore your relationships will fail. Which returns to a previous question posed by Chrissie - why do relationships between people of our age usually fail (asked 5 years ago roughly)? And now we have the answer - the majority of people our age have not truly found themselves yet - they are still searching, questioning or (in most cases) getting really really drunk. Because they have not yet completed their journey of self-discovery (or at least worked out the major parts), any relationship they have will be subject to major upheavals which are frequently destructive considering that most people in that age range aren't known for their patience or determination in relationships either.
I can look at myself with this in mind and realize that, up until recently, I really didn't know who I was. I was searching and looking for who I was and I went through a number of phases. And all through this, because I was never sure of who I was, I was always insecure which led to a lot of questioning if the other person liked me - and not only that, but blowing it moderately out of proportion (I suppose making what I'm worth in my head based on what they think I'm worth?). I think the number of months I spent without a boyfriend or girlfriend let me look at myself long enough to figure out more about myself. It also helped that I went into a new program, made new real friends and really got into doing things. The differences are, in my mind, amazing. I was always a quiet, sit back and do work person. Now I have a greater tendancy to take a leadership position, I don't have quite so big of a fear of speaking in public and I'm moderately sure of who I am. A lot of things went into that... the whole mess with Courtney/Sarah (which I'm quite willing to accept responsibility for by the way - I was an idiot, even if the circumstances were bad)... PTY was a big influence. And today - I find myself happier, less obsessive and far more confident in my skills and activities.
Anyways, enjoy jabbering about that. The real topic for tonight is...
Religion
I'm bored, so I'm going to write about religion and probably slowly get into philosophy and stuff.
A lot of people think I look down on religion and the truth is, I don't. I look down on religious fanatics (and yes I include Bush as a religious fanatic). I believe in a strong seperation between Church and State because the State encompasses people of different religions. I dislike people who try to convert others to their religion or force their children into their religion. But religion itself has some high points. People do, occasionally, need some kind of structure in their life and religion can bring them that. They've also done some good work for helping the poor in the world and other good causes.
My religion is somewhat complicated - I keep promising to tell people about it, but it just takes so long. And its not even really a religion, its more of a philosophy.
The wonderful part about my own beliefs is that they are constantly changing - probably why I come back and visit this topic so often. Why? Because I keep encountering new ideas and concepts which are being integrated into my beliefs.
I suppose at the core of my beliefs is that the only universal truth is that there are no universal truths. An oxymoron, but stay with me on this. Take for example, religion (which is what we are discussing). There is no one right religion, nor is their one right way to live your life. Each person needs to live the right way for them, while respecting other people's right to live their way. On top of that, society needs to impose rules for the safety of all the people it is supposed to protect. There is no universal path to follow. There is no universal good (we've been over that one) or evil.
And so, it is not for me to say how you live your life, only that you respect other people's right to live their life their way.
Anyways, the bed calls. Good night all!
~ Dep ~
