Thursday, November 27, 2008
June 1st to Nov 27th
Holy crap, its been awhile. I bet you weren't expecting this, eh? Actually, I doubt anyone reads this anymore. Comment if you do! In no particular order then...
I finished off my awesome computer :D. You can see some pics on Facebook. It runs pretty sweetly, especially compared to other computers I've had. The first day I had it working completely, I put World of Warcraft on... and I never looked back. WoW has been -my- video game since mid-July when I finished my computer (my main is Marissia on Crushridge... and I play Alliance, so bugger off if you're a Horde). Its not just the hype, I'm really enjoying the game play, the graphics and the social aspects the game brings. I've got an awesome guild and just love it all. Enough WoW.
School... went less well. Some people blame video games... and maybe they're right. I'm starting to see a pattern here though and its not connected with video games directly. I seem to have big problems motivating myself to do anything I'm not into... I've done a lot of work on things that interest me: some of my computer programming efforts, some writing projects... I even went to most of my project classes because I got put in charge of the parts of the project which were fascinating. But other than that, and when I simply haven't had anything more interesting to do, I can't seem to drag my ass to class. I find... excuses, things that are stupid even, reasons to avoid going to class. And when I start missing more than a couple of classes, I worry a -lot- what the teacher is going to think of me when I go back... to the point of near-panic attacks and even more avoiding of class. It's a terrible cycle and I can't seem to break out of it, even when I understand completely that this is something I -need- to do. I -need- to pass English and I can't seem to get it done. So... in conclusion... I'm going to go see a therapist, as soon as I can get an appointment scheduled. Maybe they can do something to help me get back on track, because I would really like to go to university and don't want to blow all that money on me skipping class.
Speaking of university... there have been some changes. It seems like Quebec's universities have changed their entrance requirements for comp sci programs and now require what amounts to a lot of science courses (a chemistry, a math and two physics if you believe it). I didn't plan for this, so it looks like Concordia is out as an option for me. Carleton is my second choice, living from home likely, and it looks like that is what will happen. U of O gets moved up to second from third, even though its closer to home slightly.
I'm excited, I've got two fun things planned for tomorrow. First, I'm meeting an -old- friend of mine from PTY whom I haven't seen in a few years at least. I'll get to try out a Japanese restraunt, which I don't think I've ever done. Should be fun :D. Afterwards, I'm meeting a -new- friend of mine with whom I've been having -very- interesting conversations with on the 'net for a few months now. Both promise to be quite fun and exciting :D. And no, they're not "dates". Well the second one isn't. I don't think the first one is, but I could be wrong. Will keep you posted. Would be interesting if it is.
Nothing really awesome has been happening on the relationship front. Couple of interests, but one isn't really interested in me and the other... i'll write about at the end, so you can avoid the emo bits if you prefer.
I started a new project, to write a novel. I have a good outline even and an excellent idea for a plot. Writing is progressing at a slow rate however. More details... not to follow likely.
Ahhh... BDSM. My interest has only grown, especially since beginning discussions on a regular basis with certain people on the Internet. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced this will have to become a regular part of my life and I'm looking for people to help me out by coming with me to Breathless, the local BDSM club. I've been wanting to go for awhile now, but I'm a wuss.. plus they have few events that I think I'd be very interested in. Sadly the whole bondage meetups have continued to fail throughout this semester, since my house isn't fair game any more and we still don't have enough women to support a group.
Travelling... back to Timmins once again I tihnk for this winter break, if Nicky'll have me. I kindof miss it and its small town simplicity. Plus, its the setting of my story, so I need to get some good visual text written there. I may drag along the furball with me so I can have some bus company. And because hopefully it won't go like -last- time lol.
And... that's about it! Time for the emo rant, but first let all the people who will complain to me skip down a couple of paragraphs to the last one.
------
Alright, since you're here, you must want to read this. I don't know why. You're insane. Accept it. I need to get this out.
The story... at the begining of the semester, I met a new girl. Lets call her M. I really liked M, a lot more than I've liked somebody in a long time. She was gorgeous, funny and not broken at all. And she seemed into me. But! The downside is, she had a boyfriend. So I tried not to consider it too much, though it was there. Then, last weekend, she broke up with her boyfriend and seemed happy about it - they've been going through some problems I hear. So we're talking online and I ask her if she has anybody else in mind. Shockingly, I get an answer... yes, she is, two guys she kinda likes right now... one of them is another guy at school and the other is... me.
Electricity shoots through my body and I'm silly happy for the next day. Thinking about gives me nothing but good feelings and thoughts of what could happen. I, for the first time in a -long- time have 0 doubts about what I'm supposed to be doing and how I feel. I -like- like her and I can't deny an ounce of that feeling, even to today. And I've been waiting for awhile to let her know... since it seemed rude to go up to someone I met recently and tell them I like them when they have a boyfriend and I barely know her. But I know her better now, I'm aware of some of her flaws (and she does have them). Its awesome though, this sudden leap in my heart when I think of her. The bus ride to school on Monday was pure awesomeness. We even have a date planned for the next weekend, going to laser tag.
I get to school, find my old friend Vanessa and tell her about the events of the weekend... and I get the reply "But she has a boyfriend". "No, they broke up on the weekend, like I said" "No, Rob, you don't understand, she has a -new- boyfriend".
Oh.
Shit.
Honestly, my week has been crap since that happened. I don't want to sound emo... I really don't. But it's fucked me up, since I was so high on the idea of her liking me and me liking her... and then to have the whole house of cards fall down on me. Maybe I built myself up too high, maybe I expected too much. Maybe I'm a fool or maybe its bad karma like some people say.
So I try and check out what Vanessa has told me, asking M herself if they're dating and I get a very vague answer "Kinda, maybe, sortof, but things could change, I have to go to class now". The day afterwards, I hear from another friend of mine that M just doesn't know how to tell me about her new relationship, because she knows how it'll hurt me.
Honestly...
1) This is pure mindfuck. You don't tell somebody you're interested in them and another person, then date the other person the next day unless you were lying about being interested in them in the first place or you're a lot more confused than you seem to be. Its high school drama that doesn't need to happen. Grow up and deal with things maturely.
2) Stringing people along only hurts them worse because they have further to fall the more they believe you like them. Don't do it. BAD.
3) Don't lie to me. Ever. Please. It destroys trust and without trust, friendship is nothing. If you can't talk to me about what's going on, write a letter or an e-mail. Explain it clearly and apologize for your mistakes. We can move on hopefully... after all, the furball and I are still friends after last New Years.
The worst part is... I really thought there was a chance here. Everything seemed right, everything was clicking in my head and there was nothing out of place; nothing that couldn't be overcome. I believed, for about 24 hours, that I could be happy in a relationship soon.
And I got fucked.
------
Good night y'all, I need some sleep before my busy day tomorrow.
I finished off my awesome computer :D. You can see some pics on Facebook. It runs pretty sweetly, especially compared to other computers I've had. The first day I had it working completely, I put World of Warcraft on... and I never looked back. WoW has been -my- video game since mid-July when I finished my computer (my main is Marissia on Crushridge... and I play Alliance, so bugger off if you're a Horde). Its not just the hype, I'm really enjoying the game play, the graphics and the social aspects the game brings. I've got an awesome guild and just love it all. Enough WoW.
School... went less well. Some people blame video games... and maybe they're right. I'm starting to see a pattern here though and its not connected with video games directly. I seem to have big problems motivating myself to do anything I'm not into... I've done a lot of work on things that interest me: some of my computer programming efforts, some writing projects... I even went to most of my project classes because I got put in charge of the parts of the project which were fascinating. But other than that, and when I simply haven't had anything more interesting to do, I can't seem to drag my ass to class. I find... excuses, things that are stupid even, reasons to avoid going to class. And when I start missing more than a couple of classes, I worry a -lot- what the teacher is going to think of me when I go back... to the point of near-panic attacks and even more avoiding of class. It's a terrible cycle and I can't seem to break out of it, even when I understand completely that this is something I -need- to do. I -need- to pass English and I can't seem to get it done. So... in conclusion... I'm going to go see a therapist, as soon as I can get an appointment scheduled. Maybe they can do something to help me get back on track, because I would really like to go to university and don't want to blow all that money on me skipping class.
Speaking of university... there have been some changes. It seems like Quebec's universities have changed their entrance requirements for comp sci programs and now require what amounts to a lot of science courses (a chemistry, a math and two physics if you believe it). I didn't plan for this, so it looks like Concordia is out as an option for me. Carleton is my second choice, living from home likely, and it looks like that is what will happen. U of O gets moved up to second from third, even though its closer to home slightly.
I'm excited, I've got two fun things planned for tomorrow. First, I'm meeting an -old- friend of mine from PTY whom I haven't seen in a few years at least. I'll get to try out a Japanese restraunt, which I don't think I've ever done. Should be fun :D. Afterwards, I'm meeting a -new- friend of mine with whom I've been having -very- interesting conversations with on the 'net for a few months now. Both promise to be quite fun and exciting :D. And no, they're not "dates". Well the second one isn't. I don't think the first one is, but I could be wrong. Will keep you posted. Would be interesting if it is.
Nothing really awesome has been happening on the relationship front. Couple of interests, but one isn't really interested in me and the other... i'll write about at the end, so you can avoid the emo bits if you prefer.
I started a new project, to write a novel. I have a good outline even and an excellent idea for a plot. Writing is progressing at a slow rate however. More details... not to follow likely.
Ahhh... BDSM. My interest has only grown, especially since beginning discussions on a regular basis with certain people on the Internet. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced this will have to become a regular part of my life and I'm looking for people to help me out by coming with me to Breathless, the local BDSM club. I've been wanting to go for awhile now, but I'm a wuss.. plus they have few events that I think I'd be very interested in. Sadly the whole bondage meetups have continued to fail throughout this semester, since my house isn't fair game any more and we still don't have enough women to support a group.
Travelling... back to Timmins once again I tihnk for this winter break, if Nicky'll have me. I kindof miss it and its small town simplicity. Plus, its the setting of my story, so I need to get some good visual text written there. I may drag along the furball with me so I can have some bus company. And because hopefully it won't go like -last- time lol.
And... that's about it! Time for the emo rant, but first let all the people who will complain to me skip down a couple of paragraphs to the last one.
------
Alright, since you're here, you must want to read this. I don't know why. You're insane. Accept it. I need to get this out.
The story... at the begining of the semester, I met a new girl. Lets call her M. I really liked M, a lot more than I've liked somebody in a long time. She was gorgeous, funny and not broken at all. And she seemed into me. But! The downside is, she had a boyfriend. So I tried not to consider it too much, though it was there. Then, last weekend, she broke up with her boyfriend and seemed happy about it - they've been going through some problems I hear. So we're talking online and I ask her if she has anybody else in mind. Shockingly, I get an answer... yes, she is, two guys she kinda likes right now... one of them is another guy at school and the other is... me.
Electricity shoots through my body and I'm silly happy for the next day. Thinking about gives me nothing but good feelings and thoughts of what could happen. I, for the first time in a -long- time have 0 doubts about what I'm supposed to be doing and how I feel. I -like- like her and I can't deny an ounce of that feeling, even to today. And I've been waiting for awhile to let her know... since it seemed rude to go up to someone I met recently and tell them I like them when they have a boyfriend and I barely know her. But I know her better now, I'm aware of some of her flaws (and she does have them). Its awesome though, this sudden leap in my heart when I think of her. The bus ride to school on Monday was pure awesomeness. We even have a date planned for the next weekend, going to laser tag.
I get to school, find my old friend Vanessa and tell her about the events of the weekend... and I get the reply "But she has a boyfriend". "No, they broke up on the weekend, like I said" "No, Rob, you don't understand, she has a -new- boyfriend".
Oh.
Shit.
Honestly, my week has been crap since that happened. I don't want to sound emo... I really don't. But it's fucked me up, since I was so high on the idea of her liking me and me liking her... and then to have the whole house of cards fall down on me. Maybe I built myself up too high, maybe I expected too much. Maybe I'm a fool or maybe its bad karma like some people say.
So I try and check out what Vanessa has told me, asking M herself if they're dating and I get a very vague answer "Kinda, maybe, sortof, but things could change, I have to go to class now". The day afterwards, I hear from another friend of mine that M just doesn't know how to tell me about her new relationship, because she knows how it'll hurt me.
Honestly...
1) This is pure mindfuck. You don't tell somebody you're interested in them and another person, then date the other person the next day unless you were lying about being interested in them in the first place or you're a lot more confused than you seem to be. Its high school drama that doesn't need to happen. Grow up and deal with things maturely.
2) Stringing people along only hurts them worse because they have further to fall the more they believe you like them. Don't do it. BAD.
3) Don't lie to me. Ever. Please. It destroys trust and without trust, friendship is nothing. If you can't talk to me about what's going on, write a letter or an e-mail. Explain it clearly and apologize for your mistakes. We can move on hopefully... after all, the furball and I are still friends after last New Years.
The worst part is... I really thought there was a chance here. Everything seemed right, everything was clicking in my head and there was nothing out of place; nothing that couldn't be overcome. I believed, for about 24 hours, that I could be happy in a relationship soon.
And I got fucked.
------
Good night y'all, I need some sleep before my busy day tomorrow.
// posted by Dep @ 10:37:00 p.m.
