Friday, May 16, 2008
Ok, so... an update finally
Finally, an update.
I'm not sure why I haven't written lately - at first, it seemed a lack of motivation. With things sloping down in January, I buried myself in school work and the people at school. All that was at home was memories of a winter vacation with some definite bumps in it. But after that, I left my anger behind and realized there are new and fresh possibilities here... and I haven't looked back. Many of my online friends have missed my online presence as of late - I've been going out and doing things or playing video games a lot lately.
Some highlights of the preceding few months now I guess....
I started a BDSM club for people at Heritage. Went fairly well, but had the downside of (a) organizing it is a lot of work and (b) not enough female participants. Right now, our meetings are kindof on hiatus until we manage to find some more females to join our evenings. If you're interested, drop me a line eh ;)
I'm finally finished Computer Science. I handed in my last assignment in this program today :). Sadly, I need to return next year and finish two Englishes - but I'll be in Science and taking a few Science courses too...
So what am I doing until next year? I located a wonderful job building web applications with a company in Ottawa, run by former Heritage students. Pay is 17.50/hour, which isn't bad :) definitely worthwhile for my summer and probably continuing as long as possible for as many hours as possible.
And, with some of that money, I'll be building my own computer. My laptop finally went ka-plunk on me, so I decided to build my own desktop PC this summer with some of the money I'll be getting.
Will I be going to university is an excellent question I keep asking myself and I have no idea - I think I'd like to, but I'd also like to make some money and relax for a bit. Work is easy, school is hard lol. Leaving my options open at this point.
---
So, finally I'm going to "brag" about my girlfriend. Yes I have a girlfriend. Shocking, I know, especially because I didn't go around to all of you and be like "ZOMFG, I HAS GF!". The reason? She asked me not to tell people. The reason for that? Well, I know there is one and it does, kindof make sense. But you know me - I want to tell people that I'm dating somebody.
Actually, to be honest, I'm not here to brag. The real reason I'm writing is, I think, because of the relationship.
Its... uncomfortable to have to hide our relationship. One part of me understands the reasons... the other, more paranoid, part of me just thinks its a cover-up for her secretly hating me (or something along those lines). You think it can't happen? I recently found out that two people at school did the same thing - they dated, but she asked they keep it a secret because she was embarrassed about dating him. Not to mention keeping my hands to myself is difficult under normal circumstances.
I can tack on the fact that I haven't seen or heard very much of her in the past three weeks... now, granted, apparently she's been sick... and spending time completed course work. But even when she's at school in the same room and she knows I'm there, she doesn't come over and say hi. Part of the cover? Or a lack of wanting to talk to me?
Finally, at the core, is the fact that she's young. Not age-wise, but... maturity-wise. She's still back in high school and I... I'm long past high school. We have different ideas of what life is all about, different priorities and different interests. So far the only thing that we really have in common is (a) our sexual interests and (b) vaguely similar viewpoints on the world. Heck, I can't even say that really because mine are very positive and her's... not so much. She's very negative, pessimistic and.... just plain emo. I can't blame her though, its not her fault for reasons I can't get into. Its not just teenage angst (though I'm sure thats a part of it). But... can I deal with it?
And the worst part is, I knew it going into the relationship. She told me, she warned me, and I said I could deal with it and help her out. But I'm beginning to wonder if I can or not. And hell, what kind of basis is that for a relationship anyways?
I hate breaking up with people, because I can't deal with people who are in pain - I want to take it all away and make their lives better. But what about my life? Isn't it time for a little bit of Robert loving?
Other interests... there are a few. All of them have problems - one is totally in love with another guy, one has her own problems to deal with and the rest live oh so far away (seriously, maybe I should just move to Northern Ontario?).
In my head, I know the right thing for me to do is to go to her and tell her everything I'm feeling and see where it gets me. But then I hit snag B... she seems the type to do anything to make the other people happy. Which is part of the problem, because I want somebody who's going to be themselves, not try to be who makes me happy. It'll only make her miserable in the long run anyways.
And I know (you don't have to comment to tell me this) that if I drag it out, it'll only make both of our lives more miserable in the long run. But how do you tell somebody you like, maybe even like a lot, that you just can't deal with their problems at the moment when you already told them you did? Help me Dan Savage, you're my only hope...
I think I definitely have to remember for next time not to make any promises I don't want to keep.
----
Anyways, I think I'm going to go move the laundry over soon and then go to bed.... its been a long day. I did a lot of shopping - I got some new clothes for work :).
G'night :)
- Rob
I'm not sure why I haven't written lately - at first, it seemed a lack of motivation. With things sloping down in January, I buried myself in school work and the people at school. All that was at home was memories of a winter vacation with some definite bumps in it. But after that, I left my anger behind and realized there are new and fresh possibilities here... and I haven't looked back. Many of my online friends have missed my online presence as of late - I've been going out and doing things or playing video games a lot lately.
Some highlights of the preceding few months now I guess....
I started a BDSM club for people at Heritage. Went fairly well, but had the downside of (a) organizing it is a lot of work and (b) not enough female participants. Right now, our meetings are kindof on hiatus until we manage to find some more females to join our evenings. If you're interested, drop me a line eh ;)
I'm finally finished Computer Science. I handed in my last assignment in this program today :). Sadly, I need to return next year and finish two Englishes - but I'll be in Science and taking a few Science courses too...
So what am I doing until next year? I located a wonderful job building web applications with a company in Ottawa, run by former Heritage students. Pay is 17.50/hour, which isn't bad :) definitely worthwhile for my summer and probably continuing as long as possible for as many hours as possible.
And, with some of that money, I'll be building my own computer. My laptop finally went ka-plunk on me, so I decided to build my own desktop PC this summer with some of the money I'll be getting.
Will I be going to university is an excellent question I keep asking myself and I have no idea - I think I'd like to, but I'd also like to make some money and relax for a bit. Work is easy, school is hard lol. Leaving my options open at this point.
---
So, finally I'm going to "brag" about my girlfriend. Yes I have a girlfriend. Shocking, I know, especially because I didn't go around to all of you and be like "ZOMFG, I HAS GF!". The reason? She asked me not to tell people. The reason for that? Well, I know there is one and it does, kindof make sense. But you know me - I want to tell people that I'm dating somebody.
Actually, to be honest, I'm not here to brag. The real reason I'm writing is, I think, because of the relationship.
Its... uncomfortable to have to hide our relationship. One part of me understands the reasons... the other, more paranoid, part of me just thinks its a cover-up for her secretly hating me (or something along those lines). You think it can't happen? I recently found out that two people at school did the same thing - they dated, but she asked they keep it a secret because she was embarrassed about dating him. Not to mention keeping my hands to myself is difficult under normal circumstances.
I can tack on the fact that I haven't seen or heard very much of her in the past three weeks... now, granted, apparently she's been sick... and spending time completed course work. But even when she's at school in the same room and she knows I'm there, she doesn't come over and say hi. Part of the cover? Or a lack of wanting to talk to me?
Finally, at the core, is the fact that she's young. Not age-wise, but... maturity-wise. She's still back in high school and I... I'm long past high school. We have different ideas of what life is all about, different priorities and different interests. So far the only thing that we really have in common is (a) our sexual interests and (b) vaguely similar viewpoints on the world. Heck, I can't even say that really because mine are very positive and her's... not so much. She's very negative, pessimistic and.... just plain emo. I can't blame her though, its not her fault for reasons I can't get into. Its not just teenage angst (though I'm sure thats a part of it). But... can I deal with it?
And the worst part is, I knew it going into the relationship. She told me, she warned me, and I said I could deal with it and help her out. But I'm beginning to wonder if I can or not. And hell, what kind of basis is that for a relationship anyways?
I hate breaking up with people, because I can't deal with people who are in pain - I want to take it all away and make their lives better. But what about my life? Isn't it time for a little bit of Robert loving?
Other interests... there are a few. All of them have problems - one is totally in love with another guy, one has her own problems to deal with and the rest live oh so far away (seriously, maybe I should just move to Northern Ontario?).
In my head, I know the right thing for me to do is to go to her and tell her everything I'm feeling and see where it gets me. But then I hit snag B... she seems the type to do anything to make the other people happy. Which is part of the problem, because I want somebody who's going to be themselves, not try to be who makes me happy. It'll only make her miserable in the long run anyways.
And I know (you don't have to comment to tell me this) that if I drag it out, it'll only make both of our lives more miserable in the long run. But how do you tell somebody you like, maybe even like a lot, that you just can't deal with their problems at the moment when you already told them you did? Help me Dan Savage, you're my only hope...
I think I definitely have to remember for next time not to make any promises I don't want to keep.
----
Anyways, I think I'm going to go move the laundry over soon and then go to bed.... its been a long day. I did a lot of shopping - I got some new clothes for work :).
G'night :)
- Rob
// posted by Dep @ 11:07:00 p.m.
