Friday, March 30, 2007
Hmm
Intent versus Interpretation
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood". What this is is a fancy way of saying to make sure you know what you're talking about before you talk about it. And not everyone does it, we're not all perfect by any means - but there's a good reason to try and do it. I find it is so helpful with conflict management - I saw a statistic the other day that in a large percentage of arguments in a relationship (90%), the two people are arguing about different things.
What can I say about myself. I try not to talk about things its obvious I shouldn't be talking about. I try not to do things I shouldn't do. But apparently I live in a different reality from other people, or at least thats the way it feels today lol.
I need a user manual for myself lol - maybe I should just point people here.
I'm not a person with any sense of subtly or such nonsense - I don't like the misinterpretations involved with them. I have enough misinterpretations with what I say anyways lol, and misinterpreting other people is just bad. I like the cluebrick to the face approach.
What I really like is the approach that goes like this...
Person A: "I would like to have a discussion with you"
Myself: "Ok..."
Person A: (Insert problem, comment, compliment, etc)
Myself: "Ok, so you " (insert repetition of problem, comment, compliment, etc)
Person A: (Yes/No, followed by more explanations if needed)
Nice, direct, clear and something can get done about it. Subtle comments do nothing - I don't pick up on them sometimes, or I wonder what the hell they mean for weeks on end, while continuing to miss the real point.
What follows from this is my own habit of "misspeaking" and lack of tact. I can't say I lack tact and diplomacy completely - it depends on the situation. In the correct social setting (family, professional, etc) or on the correct subject matter (recent breakup, death in the family) - I have enough tact to avoid getting slapped. The problem is more in the casual setting, I don't always follow through on the implications of what I'm going to say and how it may or may not be interpreted. My subtle comments are not subtle - they're just not direct lol. But I'm not sure I see a need for tact in those situations all the time, or even most of the time.
Sometime, tact is needed. Like, for example, when you're discussing something the person is particularly sensitive about, but not obviously so (I count obvious as "death in the family" level, not, say, "cats"). If I know for a fact a person is really sensitive about an issue, I try to keep myself tactful - everyone who reads this will know I'm not always perfect, but I do believe I'm getting better.
But sometimes, tact is not needed - and this is where people will disagree with me. "Tact is always needed!" they shout. I think, possibly, the real problem is people are either too sensitive to a certain issue, or they don't realize that the other person feels strongly about the issue.
For example (and I use this only because it came up recently, not for any problems I have about it), I have a number of ex-girlfriends (and some people who are close enough to count lol). And my ex-girlfriends, for the most part, are really awesome people who are still close to me as friends now. Regardless of whether or not I still talk with them, at the time we were dating, they were the center of my life - my girlfriend usually is (though... those who saw me play Runescape might disagree, but they got plenty of attention anyways). And therefore I did a lot with them, and have some excellent stories to tell from them, or some excellent lessons that I learned from them. And I still hold some of them very close to my heart- I don't entertain fantasies of getting back together with them (there's only one person I'd really like to date right now), but I still care for them. This is in my nature and I can't deny it, and therefore I tend to talk about my ex-girlfriends more than most guys do.
I guess I also have a habit of having long explanations - it avoids some misinterpretations. The problem is that I only give long explanations when asked for them or when I'm writing here. The short answer is usually the right one (for instance, I can sum up my previous paragraph in "My ex's were and are very important people to me") but it can be interpreted a number of ways.
Man, I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm all over the map.
Somedays I hate life, I hate people and I hate relationships. People misinterpret, people sometimes don't seem to get it, some people are just whack jobs. Some people don't know their ass from reality and some people can't find their ass (or reality) with a spoon. And the thoughts that I have are nothing like what any of them have, but they are my thoughts and I believe them to be valid and true for my own personality.
How should I apply them with other people? Should I shape myself to change for each person, or should I relax and be myself? When I'm myself, people tell me I'm tactless, blunt and occasionally arrogant (I call it "fully knowledgable about my skillz"). When I'm not myself, I tend to doublethink and triplethink everything to the point of indecision. I can't do both, and yet people ask me to do both. Its like they want me to be myself, with tact (Yet tact, for me, only comes with the doublethink). My catch-22 is not pleasant at all.
And the worse part is, this time I think I've found somebody I like, and yet maybe I'll screw it all up because I'm blunt. But I don't want to screw it up, I want this to happen.
Then again, if she can't handle my bluntness, will the relationship work in the long run? Where would we be when the spark wears off, and she faces the wholeness of my blunt personality.
Can I even change from being a blunt person? The answer to that, I think, is no. I can curb it, but at heart I will always be a person who prefers the truth and who seeks to be understood.
And what about the next relationship, if this one doesn't work? Where will I be then? Could I ever find somebody who enjoys a no-nonsense, lack of subtly relationship where understanding is key? Not just on my part, but on theirs.
*totally lost*
Comments are welcome on this one guys, because I'm not sure if I'm crazy or the last sane person on earth sometimes.
- Dep
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood". What this is is a fancy way of saying to make sure you know what you're talking about before you talk about it. And not everyone does it, we're not all perfect by any means - but there's a good reason to try and do it. I find it is so helpful with conflict management - I saw a statistic the other day that in a large percentage of arguments in a relationship (90%), the two people are arguing about different things.
What can I say about myself. I try not to talk about things its obvious I shouldn't be talking about. I try not to do things I shouldn't do. But apparently I live in a different reality from other people, or at least thats the way it feels today lol.
I need a user manual for myself lol - maybe I should just point people here.
I'm not a person with any sense of subtly or such nonsense - I don't like the misinterpretations involved with them. I have enough misinterpretations with what I say anyways lol, and misinterpreting other people is just bad. I like the cluebrick to the face approach.
What I really like is the approach that goes like this...
Person A: "I would like to have a discussion with you"
Myself: "Ok..."
Person A: (Insert problem, comment, compliment, etc)
Myself: "Ok, so you " (insert repetition of problem, comment, compliment, etc)
Person A: (Yes/No, followed by more explanations if needed)
Nice, direct, clear and something can get done about it. Subtle comments do nothing - I don't pick up on them sometimes, or I wonder what the hell they mean for weeks on end, while continuing to miss the real point.
What follows from this is my own habit of "misspeaking" and lack of tact. I can't say I lack tact and diplomacy completely - it depends on the situation. In the correct social setting (family, professional, etc) or on the correct subject matter (recent breakup, death in the family) - I have enough tact to avoid getting slapped. The problem is more in the casual setting, I don't always follow through on the implications of what I'm going to say and how it may or may not be interpreted. My subtle comments are not subtle - they're just not direct lol. But I'm not sure I see a need for tact in those situations all the time, or even most of the time.
Sometime, tact is needed. Like, for example, when you're discussing something the person is particularly sensitive about, but not obviously so (I count obvious as "death in the family" level, not, say, "cats"). If I know for a fact a person is really sensitive about an issue, I try to keep myself tactful - everyone who reads this will know I'm not always perfect, but I do believe I'm getting better.
But sometimes, tact is not needed - and this is where people will disagree with me. "Tact is always needed!" they shout. I think, possibly, the real problem is people are either too sensitive to a certain issue, or they don't realize that the other person feels strongly about the issue.
For example (and I use this only because it came up recently, not for any problems I have about it), I have a number of ex-girlfriends (and some people who are close enough to count lol). And my ex-girlfriends, for the most part, are really awesome people who are still close to me as friends now. Regardless of whether or not I still talk with them, at the time we were dating, they were the center of my life - my girlfriend usually is (though... those who saw me play Runescape might disagree, but they got plenty of attention anyways). And therefore I did a lot with them, and have some excellent stories to tell from them, or some excellent lessons that I learned from them. And I still hold some of them very close to my heart- I don't entertain fantasies of getting back together with them (there's only one person I'd really like to date right now), but I still care for them. This is in my nature and I can't deny it, and therefore I tend to talk about my ex-girlfriends more than most guys do.
I guess I also have a habit of having long explanations - it avoids some misinterpretations. The problem is that I only give long explanations when asked for them or when I'm writing here. The short answer is usually the right one (for instance, I can sum up my previous paragraph in "My ex's were and are very important people to me") but it can be interpreted a number of ways.
Man, I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm all over the map.
Somedays I hate life, I hate people and I hate relationships. People misinterpret, people sometimes don't seem to get it, some people are just whack jobs. Some people don't know their ass from reality and some people can't find their ass (or reality) with a spoon. And the thoughts that I have are nothing like what any of them have, but they are my thoughts and I believe them to be valid and true for my own personality.
How should I apply them with other people? Should I shape myself to change for each person, or should I relax and be myself? When I'm myself, people tell me I'm tactless, blunt and occasionally arrogant (I call it "fully knowledgable about my skillz"). When I'm not myself, I tend to doublethink and triplethink everything to the point of indecision. I can't do both, and yet people ask me to do both. Its like they want me to be myself, with tact (Yet tact, for me, only comes with the doublethink). My catch-22 is not pleasant at all.
And the worse part is, this time I think I've found somebody I like, and yet maybe I'll screw it all up because I'm blunt. But I don't want to screw it up, I want this to happen.
Then again, if she can't handle my bluntness, will the relationship work in the long run? Where would we be when the spark wears off, and she faces the wholeness of my blunt personality.
Can I even change from being a blunt person? The answer to that, I think, is no. I can curb it, but at heart I will always be a person who prefers the truth and who seeks to be understood.
And what about the next relationship, if this one doesn't work? Where will I be then? Could I ever find somebody who enjoys a no-nonsense, lack of subtly relationship where understanding is key? Not just on my part, but on theirs.
*totally lost*
Comments are welcome on this one guys, because I'm not sure if I'm crazy or the last sane person on earth sometimes.
- Dep
// posted by Dep @ 1:15:00 a.m.
